All of us are fighting a hard battle. Maybe you’re like me and infertility is really weighing you down right now. Maybe you’re going through a divorce. Maybe you just lost a loved one. Maybe you lost your job, or are struggling to lose weight and eat healthy. Maybe your toddler is driving you really close to burnout. Maybe mental health is eating you alive. It doesn’t matter what it is – we all have things going on that are tough. And we can’t do it alone. Nor should we have to.
Sometimes we feel like we have to – no one wants to take my burden. I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. No one cares about what I’m going through. I’m the only one. All of these are toxic things we tell ourselves. These faulty beliefs isolate us and breed loneliness and poorer physical and mental health (Sippel, et al., 2015).
What are the benefits of having a support system?
Breast cancer patients who are socially isolated are more likely to experience tumor growth and at a more rapid rate than their peers who do have a strong support system (Hinzey, et al., 2016). And elderly adults reported a greater sense of well-being and fewer depressive symptoms when satisfied with the amount of support received from their family (Montpetit, et al., 2016). Elderly individuals are also more likely to be physically active when they feel supported, which is especially important given that a lack of physical activity contributes significantly to mortality in elderly patients (Smith, et al., 2017). Caregivers of patients suffering from terminal illness refusing treatment also found significant reduction in anxiety and burden by attending support groups (Chan, et al., 2016). Men who use online support groups for their infertility report a significant increase in well being, support and life satisfaction, despite the emotional exhaustion of infertility treatment and perceived stigma (Richard, et al., 2017). Poly-victimized girls with a support system of peers were less likely to have psychotic experiences (Crush et al., 2018). And medical residents experiencing loneliness were more likely to also experience both personal and work-related burnout. But when they rely on their coworkers for support, they report less loneliness and burnout, more energy and higher work performance (Rogers et al., 2016).
What it really comes down to is that whatever you are struggling with, building and utilizing a support system can help you emotionally and physically.
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How do I create my support system?
There are many ways to do this. One way is to join an organized support group. Support groups exist for almost everything: diabetes, care for elderly parents/spouse, infertility, adoption or foster care, parenting a special needs child, marital struggles, mental health or substance use struggles, loved ones of the same, etc. Some of these are just groups of people reaching out for support, like on Facebook or other social media platforms. Other times these groups are more organized and facilitated by a therapist or social worker or other professional. These groups, especially those facilitated by professionals have pretty good outcomes(Chan, et al., 2016). But the less organized groups on social media report good outcomes as well (Richard, et al., 2017).
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In addition to these more formal options, your friends and family can be a great support system. There is no need to suffer alone or hide your pain and struggle from people who love and care about you. Having said that, not all of your friends or family will understand and be able to help. You will have to weed people out – not all of the people we love are able to give us empathy, validation, appropriate feedback, and assistance. Delicately introduce elements of your struggle that you are comfortable sharing. Test the reactions. Does the person blow off what you are saying or immediately jump to fix it? Do they tell you it isn’t a big deal? If they do, you probably don’t want to include them in your support system. But if they ask clarifying questions, provide appropriate insight and feedback, and express empathy for your struggle, you’ve probably got a good candidate for your support group.
No one in your life can fill every need. That’s why it is important to have many people in your support system.
I don’t want to burden my loved ones OR I feel uncomfortable asking for help
Many people won’t ask for help and support because they don’t want to inconvenience others. They don’t want to ask because they keep telling themselves “I’m fine” and what would they even ask for anyway?
But sometimes we aren’t fine, and if we don’t take the time to self-care and connect with the important people in our lives, healing slows, and sometimes we remain broken.
But we must find ways to get help. This may, of course, be easier in an organized support group. But even in developing your own support system, help can come organically. Schedule time with members of your support system. You don’t have to spend the entire time talking about your problems. In fact, you probably shouldn’t. Sometimes companionship is enough. Text or call. Be willing to ask for the little things. If you are open you will find people in your life with similar struggles who know what to say and how to help. There have been many times I have been open and offered details of my infertility to someone I didn’t think could possibly understand and received some of the greatest support and empathy. Building a support system requires openness and vulnerability and there is a level of risk. But the risk is worth it. It takes practice. Start small.
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Therapeutic or professional intervention may still be necessary
Be aware that even when we have the best support team ever we may still need professional support. Our support systems are intended to be just that – support. But they aren’t usually the ultimate “fix-it” or solution. If I get in a car accident and am injured I can use my support system, but I would still go to the hospital for medical care. If my car breaks down, someone in my support system can give me a ride, but I still take the car to a mechanic. The same goes with our mental health. I can use my support system for comfort, support, and accountability, but I may still need therapy and medication to work through my trauma or manage my anxiety. Our support systems add to professional help; they rarely replace it.
Building a support system makes such a difference. There are more people struggling than you know, and there is no need to struggle alone. Asking for help and reaching outside of yourself may take courage but it boosts mental health, physical health, confidence, and decreases feelings of loneliness and hopelessness (Sippel et al., 2015).
This week, identify at least 3-5 people to add to your support system. Ask one of them for help with something you wouldn’t normally ask for. Remember that you are not failing – you’re allowing people to lift you.
References
Chan, K. Y., Yip, T., Yap, D. Y., Sham, M. K., Wong, Y. C., Lau, V. W. K., … Chan, T. M. (2016). Enhanced Psychosocial Support for Caregiver Burden for Patients With Chronic Kidney Failure Choosing Not to Be Treated by Dialysis or Transplantation: A Pilot Randomized Controlled Trial. American Journal of Kidney Diseases, 67(4), 585–592. doi: 10.1053/j.ajkd.2015.09.021
Crush, E., Arseneault, L., & Fisher, H. L. (2018). “Girls get by with a little help from their friends: Gender differences in protective effects of social support for psychotic phenomena amongst poly-victimised adolescents”: Correction. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology: The International Journal for Research in Social and Genetic Epidemiology and Mental Health Services, 53(12), 1419. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s00127-018-1620-0
Hinzey, A., Gaudier-Diaz, M. M., Lustberg, M. B., & Devries, A. C. (2016). Breast cancer and social environment: getting by with a little help from our friends. Breast Cancer Research, 18(1). doi: 10.1186/s13058-016-0700-x
Montpetit, M. A., Nelson, N. A., & Tiberio, S. S. (2017). Daily interactions and affect in older adulthood: Family, friends, and perceived support. Journal of Happiness Studies: An Interdisciplinary Forum on Subjective Well-Being, 18(2), 373–388. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10902-016-9730-4
Richard, J., Badillo-Amberg, I., & Zelkowitz, P. (2017). “So Much of This Story Could Be Me”: Men’s Use of Support in Online Infertility Discussion Boards. American Journal of Men’s Health, 663–673. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557988316671460
Rogers, E., Polonijo, A. N., & Carpiano, R. M. (2016). Canadian Family Physician, 62 (11).
Sippel, L. M., R. H. Pietrzak, D. S. Charney, L. C. Mayes, and S. M. Southwick. 2015. How does social support enhance resilience in the trauma-exposed individual? Ecology and Society20(4):10.
Lindsay Smith, G., Banting, L., Eime, R., O’Sullivan, G., & van Uffelen, J. G. Z. (2017). The association between social support and physical activity in older adults: A systematic review. The International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, 14. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1186/s12966-017-0509-8
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
On March 30, 2019, I lined up on the deck of a pool with hundreds of other people, swim cap on head, borrowed goggles ready to put on, nose plug discreetly tucked in the pocket of my spandex shorts, ready to put on. I began to shiver with nerves as the first swimmers jumped in the pool and began the 300m swim. Was I too far forward in the line? Should I be further back with the slower swimmers? Should I be AT THE VERY BACK, because I was probably the slowest swimmer here (or so I felt)?
I got to the edge of the pool and waited for the okay to jump in. “Take a deep breath… and exhale,” the man at the timing mat said to me. “You’ve got this. You’re good to go.” I jumped into the pool and began to swim.
Three months earlier in January 2019, I had jumped into a pool for the first time in years to try to learn how to swim more efficiently. A friend had invited me to do a sprint triathlon with her in March and the thought just kept coming into my mind. I already had a background in running, and I wasn’t too concerned about picking up cycling, but I had never felt confident in the water. I felt self-conscious every time I got in the pool and tried to swim. I technically knew how to swim (or rather, I knew how to not drown), but I always went so slowly, inhaled water through my nose, and had no endurance. The last time I remember trying to learn to swim was when I had to swim 200m for my scuba certification back in fall 2014. My friend Elizabeth met me at a pool, gave me her old pair of goggles to use, and taught me the basics of the freestyle stroke and breathing. I completed that 200m swim, and then can’t remember stepping into a public pool since then — until January 2019.
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It wasn’t graceful. I had to pause and catch my breath at least every 25m. I swam for a total of 14 minutes, and a lot of that was resting.
I swam about once a week for the first month, then increased to two times a week. I remember the first time I felt comfortable swimming. I realized I didn’t feel as self-conscious, out of place or awkward as I had been feeling. I just felt like another swimmer training alongside those in the other lanes.
When I jumped into the pool for the triathlon I was nervous, and really, that nervousness didn’t go away until I was out of the pool. I was so nervous that I couldn’t maintain my bilateral breathing, which usually felt most comfortable to me while training. I alternated between freestyle swimming and backstroking to get through those 300m. But I did it.
Learning to Learn
My mom always tells me that I could sing before I could talk. I carried a tune perfectly, even as an infant. Music always came easy. I continued to sing in church, in middle school and high school choirs, and in indie bands as I moved into adulthood. I supplemented my talent with training, but still, it just always felt easy.
Other potential hobbies and interests did not feel that easy. I have vague memories of showing up to auditions and tryouts for random sports and clubs with little to no prior experience, expecting to just give it a go, join the team, then learn from there. I can remember sneaking out of at least two of those tryouts embarrassed, unable to keep up (for example: hip hop dance team, and I had never tried to learn a dance move in my life).
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Because my main hobby came so easy to me, it had never occurred to me that I needed to start from the very bottom and work my way up with other things in my life. I just associated a lack of knowledge or skill with the embarrassment of sneaking out of an audition or tryout early.
Essentially, I associated my lack of knowledge or skill with failure.
My views on this didn’t change overnight, and I can’t even pinpoint a moment when they did. I do know that in 2014, I trained and prepared for a 10k, a relay race, and my open water scuba diving certification — all things that I wouldn’t even have considered being able to complete a year earlier but the opportunities just fell into my lap within the year (though the 10k and relay races were definitely “someday” items). I had personal moments through 2015 and 2016 that tore me down and required me to emotionally build myself back up. In 2017 I followed my first training plan to prepare for my first half marathon, a task that I could hardly fathom beforehand.
Learning to grow physically and emotionally through these various challenges definitely taught me how to be a beginner and start from the bottom, but I didn’t know how to define that until later.
The Growth Mindset
In December 2017 I read the book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck, and suddenly the pieces fell into place. It outlined the principles that I had been learning over the past few years and finally gave it a name: the Growth Mindset.
The growth mindset, according to Dweck, is the belief that our intelligence, personality, and skills are things we can develop, as opposed to things that are fixed and unchangeable.
The growth mindset views failures and setbacks as actions (“I failed”) rather than an identity (“I am a failure”) (Dweck 33). It offers the opportunity to grow and become, rather than remaining stagnant. It offers a productive purpose, instead of seeking external approval or validation. Dweck states, “When you enter a mindset, you enter a new world. In one world–the world of fixed traits–success is about proving you’re smart or talented. Validating yourself. In the other–the world of changing qualities–it’s about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself” (Dweck 15).
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When I walked into the hip hop dance team tryouts with no prior dance experience, I saw myself as someone who simply could not follow choreography, was not coordinated, and awkwardly snuck out of a room full of graceful, hip popping (is that what hip hop is?), cooler-than-me high school girls. Over 10 years later, my then-boyfriend was trying to romantically slow dance with me in the kitchen while dinner cooked, and my hands instantly started sweating. It was not romantic. I’ve only recently realized that I can probably dance — I just need to take the time to learn in my own way, at my own pace.
Comparatively, by the time I started training for my first triathlon in January 2019, the growth mindset had already become a common way of thinking for me. While I was a bit embarrassed about wearing a nose plug in public, it didn’t stop me because it helped me focus on other aspects of my form (and I just slipped it off to catch my breath in between laps). If I’m sharing a lane with someone faster than me, I don’t think much of it anymore — we’re all going at our own pace, and they are probably just focusing on their training like I am on mine. I don’t care if people see me working with my swim coach on the tiny little details while they’re breezing by with seemingly 10-second laps, because the tiny little details are where I’m at right now, and I love soaking in those details and those skills. The growth mindset has taught me to love the process and not just the outcome, especially when I’m starting with a nose plugged, 25m out-of-breath slow swim. That just means there is so much more to learn, and learning is incredibly exciting!
How
The growth mindset is incredibly valuable in all areas of life, from athletic endeavors, to education, to professional development, daily habits, and more. So, how do you change from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset to see this value?
We have to change how we respond to challenges, failures, and even how we approach our goals. It’s changing that inner dialogue from “I am a failure” to “I failed” — from a permanent label to a single setback that can be moved past and overcome. It’s reframing the situation.
Here is a short exercise you can do to begin reframing your thoughts:
Consider a situation that you’ve used to define a negative trait in yourself (or, if you’re experiencing a situation right now that really has you feeling down, use that). Write it down, and then write down your current inner dialogue.
For example: I’m always 10-15 minutes late for everything I’m invited to. I’m never on time.
Now, reframe the situation. In this example, I put myself in a holding pattern: I’m NEVER on time. But am I NEVER on time, or have I just been late to quite a few events in the past? Rephrase the statement to reflect that.
I have been late to quite a few events in the past.
Assuming you want to improve upon that self-perceived negative trait, consider ways you can change your approach in the future.
I’m going to start getting ready 10 minutes earlier than I normally would. I’ll plan to leave the house 10 minutes early. I’m going to set alarms on my phone to remind me when I need to start getting ready and when I need to leave the house. If I get to the event early, I can just relax in my car for a few minutes before going in.
A large part of the growth mindset is taking action. I love how Dweck defines this in her book: “The critical thing is to make a concrete, growth-oriented plan, and to stick to it” (Dweck 229). Concrete. Growth-oriented. And then implementing that plan, not just sitting on it.
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The Outcome
A 2016 study shows the impact of practicing the growth mindset in an academic setting. In a survey administered in 2012 to every 10th-grade Chilean student, their parents, and school, questions about students’ “mindsets about the malleability of intelligence” were asked. The questions helped categorize the students into having a fixed mindset, growth mindset, or “mixed mindset.” Regardless of socioeconomic factors, students displaying a growth mindset consistently scored higher academically than those displaying a fixed mindset. Additionally, while the lowest-income students were twice as likely to display a fixed mindset than the highest-income students, the lowest-income students who did display a growth mindset also showed high academic success. This shows, I believe, the transformational power of the growth mindset to improve our circumstances and our lives.
As mentioned previously, I started working with a swim coach a few months after my March 2019 triathlon to help me become a more efficient swimmer. I was told that by learning proper form, I could swim with greater ease and efficiency, and it was true! With each lesson, I became more comfortable and more competent as a swimmer. I still have a lot more practice I need to get in before my next triathlon, but I’m pretty proud of my progress so far: Whereas the farthest I had swum in March was 300m, I was able to swim 750m by July, and 1000m just a few days later. In between those notable swims were a handful of swim lessons, many solo swim practices, YouTube videos, visualizing, accidentally starting out too fast, forgetting to breathe, forgetting my mantra, remembering my mantra, and more.
If swimming 1000m comes naturally to you, that’s great. But as with most things, I didn’t just go out and swim 1000m one day — but I believed I could get there, so I put in the work and did it.
Practice reframing your fixed statements into growth statements. See the section entitled “How” for an example of how to do this.
References
Claro, S., Paunesku, D., & Dweck, C. S. (2016). Growth mindset tempers the effects of poverty on academic achievement. PNAS Early Edition, Stanford University. Under Review.
Dweck, C.S. (2012). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York, NY: Random House.
Li, Y., & Bates, T. C. (2019). You can’t change your basic ability, but you work at things, and that’s how we get hard things done: Testing the role of growth mindset on response to setbacks, educational attainment, and cognitive ability. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 148(9), 1640–1655. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/xge0000669
Saraff, S., Tiwari, A., & Rishipal. (2020). Effect of mindfulness on self-concept, self-esteem and growth mindset: Evidence from undergraduate students. Journal of Psychosocial Research, 15(1), 329–340. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.32381/JPR.2020.15.01.28
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
A few years ago, I walked into a support group for spouses and families of addicts, and was surprised by these two things:
The instant love and support I was shown, and
The clear emphasis on OUR INDIVIDUAL healing, NOT our loved ones’ healing.
Yes, we want our loved ones to heal and grow and overcome the things they struggle with, but that was not—nor will ever be—something any of us have any control over. The only thing we can truly control is our own healing, and the little and big decisions we make along the way.
Betrayal trauma can be felt when we feel betrayed by a loved one, and experience trauma from that. In other words, it is trauma experienced when we lose the trust of a loved one—often in cases of lying, deceit, infidelity, or other inappropriate and hurtful behavior. Both men and women can experience betrayal trauma (Note: I’m writing this paper as a woman who used to attend a women-only support group, so if I speak from that perspective, that’s why. But I know men who have experienced betrayal trauma as well, and their experiences are important to consider as well).
Psychologist George S. Everly found that those struggling with betrayal trauma exhibited many of the same symptoms as those suffering from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, including:
…guilt, depression, psychological numbing, suspiciousness, hyper-vigilance, withdrawal from others, nightmares, and continually (almost addictively) reliving both the positive moments (longingly) and the negative moments (painfully) of the relationship, especially the moment of the revelation of the betrayal. And again as you might expect the betrayal engenders a terrible loss of self-esteem, the rise of self-doubt, the inability to trust again, and the desire to avoid relationships in the future.
Photo by John Mark Smith on Unsplash
Here is what betrayal trauma looked like for me:
In my own trauma, I developed “triggers”—situations, objects, places, memories, etc. that sent my mind and body spiraling into a state of anxiety. I remember once having to pull my car over to the side of the road when a memory came into my mind, unable to keep driving as my body involuntarily began shaking, and I fought to control my breathing and tears. For months I scanned parking lots as I drove into them, frantically seeing if I recognized any of the cars, trying to determine if I was (emotionally) safe or not. While experiencing other romantic relationships helped me heal and move forward, I also experienced triggers in intimate situations.
The sweet thing is, it got better. The triggers became fewer and farther between. Painful memories faded as new memories and experiences replaced them. I could eventually think about the happy memories from the past with gratitude instead of hurt.
Each person’s experience with betrayal trauma is different, including the severity of which they experience it. I’ve seen individuals suffer severe physical health issues as a result of their emotional grief*. I’ve seen them spend years working with their loved one to regain that trust—for both of them. I’ve known people who have stayed in relationships—for better or for worse—and I’ve known people who have left. Of those I’ve seen leave, sometimes they leave immediately upon the first betrayal, and sometimes they stay for years trying to make it work. There is no right or wrong solution for any person experiencing betrayal trauma.
If you are in the thick of trauma right now—maybe you just experienced a punch-to-the-heart disclosure or your relationship is just feeling especially heavy right now—I hope you know that you’re not alone, and that you are loved. Take a few breaths, let yourself cry, and do what you need to do to grieve—you may be experiencing a loss of trust, the vision you had for your relationship, your sense of self, and other parts of your life that are worth acknowledging and grieving.
When you’re ready to stand up and get moving, here are some ways to move forward and focus on healing your life.
Therapy
If you don’t have a therapist that you are comfortable confiding in, go find one right now. Even better, find a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma recovery. A quality, qualified therapist can not only offer you a space to talk freely, but can help you process those thoughts and feelings. They can offer additional insight and tools to aid in your healing.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
But did I mention that they can also offer you a space to talk freely? Especially in relationship issues, this is vital. In college, one of my Family Science professors noted that we should always be careful about the things we tell our parents about our partners/spouses—while we’ll most likely work things out with our partner pretty quickly and move forward, our parents will likely hold onto that resentment for much longer. They are just bystanders and aren’t (and shouldn’t be) in the relationship working things out alongside us. Therapists must maintain confidentiality (except in extenuating circumstances, such as when it concerns your immediate safety), so they are great sources to confide in.
Support Groups
As I said before, if you are experiencing betrayal trauma, know that you are not alone. Whether the trauma comes from a partner’s pornography use or other sexual addiction, sexual or emotional infidelity, or other form of unfaithful behavior, Bloom for Women reports that 41% of married women (about 30 million women) have unfaithful spouses. Of those, they state that about 72% experience trauma from sexual betrayal (about 21 million women).
Photo by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash
Support groups bring people struggling with similar issues together to share experiences, relate to one another, encourage personal growth, and feel less alone. You can search online for both online support groups (like Bloom for Women for betrayal trauma recovery) or local/regional support groups. As the facilitators in my local support group once told me, give it three meetings before you decide to drop out of the group. Support groups sometimes have their own culture of sorts (a particular meeting schedule, reading materials, how a person introduces themselves, how each meeting ends, etc.) If you still don’t like your group after a few meetings, try another one. But give it a chance.
Books, Podcasts, Etc.
Some of my favorites:
What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Anne Croshaw
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
Workbook: Healing Through Christ— free download here
Podcast: LifeBeats Project Episode #55 with Nicole, “Learning that kindness is a strength and not a weakness, especially when you are hurt by others.”
Album: Lemonade by Beyonce (if that’s your thing) 😉
I wanted to give you as many resources as I could, so I asked a couple of dear friends of mine what helped them heal:
All of the Brene Brown books!
The Overcomers Edge by Paul Psicka
Podcast: 3 in 30 Podcast Episode #68: Healing After Betrayal in Your Marriage
Doing Things
…and not just doing things, but doing things for yourself.
When I needed to heal emotionally, I turned to running. My overall focus turned to training for a running race, and all the fine details that went along with that like planning my next workouts, structuring my runs for the greatest physical benefit, analyzing my running form, tweaking my nutrition, etc. Beyond that big picture focus, my daily runs also offered me time to clear my mind, process grief, and literally and emotionally move forward.
Photo by Andrew Tanglao on Unsplash
Another friend of mine told me that when she felt her weakest, she resolved to do one thing every day that scared her. Sometimes it was giving a compliment to a stranger. Other times it was pushing herself physically in a difficult workout. A couple times it was traveling to the other side of the world for a last-minute humanitarian project. She grew through these experiences every single day.
Sometimes doing things for yourself means buying yourself a treat on the way home for work or booking a visit to the spa. Other times it means doing your taxes or washing all the dishes in the sink. Whatever it is, do something for yourself every single day. Even the smallest things add up over time and can help you build confidence, feel happier and stronger, and be a beautiful part of your recovery.
Conclusion
I worked through my trauma through engaging in therapy, participating in a support group (if you ladies are reading this, know that there is a special place in my heart for you, and I love you forever), feeling less alone through books, podcasts, and Beyonce’s brilliant and gut-wrenchingly relatable “Lemonade,” and running ‘til endorphins kicked in, and then running some more. These days my recovery is less about managing triggers and more about not repeating those old patterns of codependency in relationships. It’s about remembering my worth, holding my own, keeping my boundaries, and walking away when I need to.
You may have some big decisions coming up, like whether to stay or to leave, or even whether or not to get out of bed tomorrow. Regardless of any choices you make moving forward though, you will have to do the work to heal. You could run away and start a whole new life, and you’ll still have to do the work to heal. You can work endlessly to forgive and forget with your partner, and you’ll still need to do your own work to heal.
I can promise you though, this is the best work you will ever do for your life.
—
*Research shows that those who experience trauma that includes betrayal show more symptoms of physical illness, anxiety, dissociation, and depression than individuals whose trauma does not include betrayal, like those who have been in car accidents, etc. (Freyd, Klest & Allard 2005).
Identify one thing you can do today for yourself. It could be reading a book, scheduling an appointment to see your therapist, exercising, doing something that takes you out of your comfort zone, buying that cookie you’ve been craving for a week—anything that you are doing for yourself!
Everly, George S. Jr. (2018), “The Trauma of Intimate Partner Betrayal: Why it hurts so much and seven ways you can heal.” Psychology Today, Posted 8 June 2018.
Freyd, Jennifer J., Bridget Klest & Carolyn B. Allard (2005) Betrayal Trauma: Relationship to Physical Health, Psychological Distress, and a Written Disclosure Intervention, Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 6:3, 83-104.
Smith-Marek, E. N., Durtschi, J., Brown, C., & Dharnidharka, P. (2016). Exercise and diet as potential moderators between trauma, posttraumatic stress, depression, and relationship quality among emerging adults. American Journal of Family Therapy, 44(2), 53–66. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01926187.2016.1145080
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
This summer your challenge is to go outside – a lot. Hike, swim, read on your porch, camp, fish, practice yoga in the backyard, kayak, go to the park, have a picnic, garden, ATV, and experience a number of other outdoor adventures. Feel the sun and the wind on your face. Bring your family with you. Leave your phones in the car.
Getting outdoors, whether just to sit on a park bench or free climb a cliff, has been shown to improve mood and mental health, having both short- and long-term effects (Bowen & Neill, 2013).
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Mental Health
Wilderness Adventure Therapy (WAT) has been used for some time to treat mental health, substance abuse, neurodiverse diagnoses, and behavioral issues among adolescents and young adults. WAT generally consist of bringing a group of these adolescents/young adults into the middle of nowhere where they hike a significant number of miles each day, carrying all their gear on their backs, sleeping either under the stars or in shelters they’ve made themselves, learning to light a fire without matches, living on beans and rice, with no access to modern technology, having no way to shower or do laundry for an average of ninety days. During this strenuous experience, clients also work with a therapist. These intense WAT programs have significant success rates, 80% of parents and 90% of adolescents reporting WAT as effective (Aldana, 2000). WAT has been shown to be as effective as traditional psychotherapy in clinically symptomatic patients (Bowen, et al., 2016).
Most of us will never attend a wilderness adventure therapy program, but WAT relies on something very important. Being outdoors does much for our bodies, brains, behaviors and mental health. Spending time outdoors, immersing ourselves in nature restores our sense of self (Pearson & Craig, 2014) and promotes mental health (Bowen et al., 2016).
Less intensive adventure therapy (which would include kayaking, rappelling/rock climbing, hiking, ropes challenge courses, etc.) also provides significant short- and long-term improvements in anxiety, depression, stress, other mental health diagnoses, and emotional and behavioral issues (Bowen & Neill, 2013). Adventure therapy also helps participants develop self-efficacy, mastery, mindfulness, and problem-solving skills (Bowen, et al., 2016; Mutz & Muller, 2016). Participants are required to face their anxieties head on. Some of us may never participate in organized adventure therapy, but these are activities that many of us can participate in, and still feel the effects of.
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WHY is being outdoors therapeutic?
Studies have shown that being outdoors in green spaces decrease levels of stress and depression, and improves cognition in kids with attention deficits. Natural environments can also restore directed attention, executive functioning, and improve emotional regulation (Pearson & Craig, 2014).
The beautiful thing about nature (aside from it being beautiful) is that is has a restorative, healing quality that, at least for me, broadens my perspective to help me realign goals, grounds me, relieves stress and anxiety, and re-energizes me. And though these might not be as scientific as research findings, my experiences align with research, and the reports of many who find the outdoors to be a perfect environment for self care.
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How much do I need to interact with nature to reap the benefits?
So, being outside helps us be more emotionally and mentally healthy. But not everyone loves high outdoor adventure. So how adventurous do we have to be to reap the reward?
The passive observer still can undergo a restorative process from just sitting outside, but the more dynamic and physical one can be outside, the more potent the benefit. Immersion is an important part of benefiting from being outside (Pearson & Craig, 2014). Even so, in one study, those who took a 90 minute walk in nature experienced less rumination and improved cognitive processes including decreased depressive symptoms, increased problem solving and self-regulation, whereas those who took a 90 minute walk in an urban area did not report any of these findings (Bratman, et al., 2015).
This summer, get outside. Go have adventures. Your mental health depends on you taking care of yourself, and out in the sunshine, in the woods or on the water, is the perfect way to do it. Besides, it’s good to try new things.
Set aside specific time to be outside this week. Notice how it makes you feel!
References
Aldana, S. (2000). An Analysis of the Effect of the RedCliff Ascent Wilderness Program. Retrieved May, 2019, from http://www.wildernesstherapy.org/ Research/RedCliffResearch.htm
Bowen, D. J., Neill, J. T., & Crisp, S. J. (2016). Wilderness adventure therapy effects on the mental health of youth participants. Evaluation and Program Planning, 58, 49-59. https://doi:10.1016/j.evalprogplan.2016.05.005
Bowen, D. J., & Neill, J. T. (2013). A Meta-Analysis of Adventure Therapy Outcomes and Moderators. The Open Psychology Journal,6(1), 28-53. https://doi:10.2174/1874350120130802001
Bratman, G. N., Hamilton, J. P., Hahn, K. S., Daily, G. C., & Gross, J. J. (2015). Nature experience reduces rumination and subgenual prefrontal cortex activation. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences,112(28), 8567-8572. https://doi:10.1073/pnas.1510459112
Mutz, M., & Müller, J. (2016). Mental health benefits of outdoor adventures: Results from two pilot studies. Journal of Adolescence,49, 105-114. doi:10.1016/j.adolescence.2016.03.009Pearson, D. G., & Craig, T. (2014). The great outdoors? Exploring the mental health benefits of natural environments. Frontiers in Psychology,5. https://doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2014.01178
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Battling mental illness is a family experience: shared together, but suffered individually. “Families describe that often, it is not the family member with the illness who suffers the most, but rather it is other family members” (Marshall, 2010).
Maintaining relationships through mental health battles can be difficult for anyone involved – the one with the mental illness, and the one(s) loving the one with the mental illness. There are unique struggles that each person faces, but I’m here to tell you that no matter what they are, a relationship – of any kind – can persist even when someone’s mental health is at an all-time low.
Despite a recent effort to de-stigmatize mental illnesses, many people still face stereotyping, rejection, status loss, discrimination, and low power (Link and Phelan 2001) due to their mental health struggles. I myself have been told by a (now former) friend – who also has depression, mind you – that I was too sad to be around. These kinds of statements are extremely detrimental and unfortunately, are fairly common among those with a mental illness.
I hate to admit that I have even found myself judging someone else’s mental health in comparison to mine. If I’m able to do X despite my diagnoses, why can’t they? Can we just collectively agree that mental illness is as real and valid as physical illness? Not only that, but it impacts people differently, and different individuals respond to different treatments. That’s one of the hardest things about mental illnesses: they are different in everyone.
Relationships can help heal.
You are never alone in your suffering. Even if everyone experiences mental illnesses in different ways, there are people who understand what you’re going through. Families especially “can have a significant impact on their relative’s recovery” (McFarlane, Dixon, Lukens, & Lucksted, 2003, p. 224). And that’s why familial support is so important – sometimes, they’re the most important resource for an individual who is struggling.
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Here are some ideas on how to support someone with a mental illness (for more ideas specific to supporting a romantic partner living with mental illness, check out another one of our posts here):
Set boundaries! This can be difficult, but it will benefit both you and the one struggling in the long run. Whether this means having a boundary on the amount of time you’re willing to share, or just being allowed to say “no” to someone, boundaries help create a stable relationship.
Give them the opportunity to talk and open up but don’t press. Offer your support. Specifically ask, “How can I help you?”
Find out if they are getting the care that they need. Connect them to help if needed. Assist them in researching doctors, medications, therapists, non-traditional remedies, etc.
Reassure them that you care about them and are there for them. Show them respect, compassion, and empathy.
Continue to invite them to things without being overbearing. A lot of the time, people like to feel included even if they aren’t feeling up to doing things.
Relationships can become stronger than ever.
At some points, one person may be giving more than taking, and one may be taking more than giving; but for a relationship to flourish, both partners have to give and take. You need someone who will stand by your side, love you, and give you help when you need it. And you need someone who can trust you to do the same for them. You don’t need to hide who you are. You don’t need to be afraid to ask for help. And you don’t need to settle for anyone who doesn’t think the sun shines out of your heart, because regardless of your struggles, it really does.
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One of the most important things that I learned in my undergraduate education is that families can bounce back from anything, and can find resilience (ie. the capacity to recover from difficulty) that helps them be stronger than they ever were before (Walsh, 2016). It almost makes me grateful for trials – knowing the power they have to bring us together and strengthen our bonds. A family setting is a perfect place for individuals to practice learning how to be resilient, and to learn how to foster close relationships that will help them get through the tough times.
Here are a few tips for building family resilience:
Practice connecting: Dr. Ann Masten has said, “Much of resilience, especially in children, but also throughout the life span, is embedded in close relationships with other people. Those relationships give you a profound sense of emotional security and the feeling that someone has your back, because they do.” (Southwick, et. al, 2014) Families give us the opportunity to learn how to connect with each other. Parents can model positive connection both with each other and with their children. As children interact with their parents and siblings, they can learn through trial and error how to create and nurture positive relationships.
Practice failing: When it comes to resilience, learning how to fail without your world falling apart is a must. Failure is something that we encounter throughout our everyday lives in both small and big ways, and the family is a perfect place for us to develop a positive relationship with failure. At the dinner table, instead of asking, “what did you do today?”, try asking, “what was something you failed at today, and what did you learn from it?” Get rid of the shame surrounding failure, and teach your family how to learn from it!
Practice positivity: Gratitude and thankfulness can be an important part of building resilience in individuals and families. It helps us to move through difficulties and focus on the growth that comes from them. Finding opportunities in any situation to practice gratitude isn’t just holding on to a silver lining, it is actually actively changing your brain and inviting more positivity into your life. As a family, practice recognizing what you have to be grateful for, and share in that gratitude together.
Mental illness can both affect our relationships, and in turn, be altered by them. It is up to us to decide whether we allow them to push us apart, or bring us closer.
Think of someone you know that has a mental illness – maybe it’s you! Ponder how your relationships have changed because of mental health and reflect on what you can do to help them become stronger than ever.
References
Link, Bruce G., Elmer L. Struening, Sheree Neese-Todd, Sara Asmussen, and Jo C. Phelan. 2001. ‘‘The Consequences of Stigma for the Self-Esteem of People with Mental Illnesses.’’ Psychiatric Services 52:1621–26.
Marshall, A., Bell, J. M., & Moules, N. J. (2010). Beliefs, Suffering, and Healing: A Clinical Practice Model for Families Experiencing Mental Illness. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 46(3), 197–208. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-6163.2010.00259.x
Southwick, S. M., Bonanno, G. A., Masten, A. S., Panter-Brick, C., & Yehuda, R. (2014). Resilience definitions, theory, and challenges: interdisciplinary perspectives. European journal of psychotraumatology, 5, 10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338. https://doi:10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338
Walsh, F. (2016). Applying a Family Resilience Framework in Training, Practice, and Research: Mastering the Art of the Possible. Family Process, 55(4), 616–632. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12260
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
This week, identify at least 3-5 people to add to your support system. Ask one of them for help with something you wouldn’t normally ask for. Remember that you are not failing – you’re allowing people to lift you.
