Love, Me, Mental Notes, Project Parent

The Baby Blues, Postpartum Depression, and Postpartum Anxiety

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Cover photo by Bethany Beck on Unsplash

Written by McKay Strong
Most people have heard of “the baby blues.” But did you know there is a difference between the baby blues, postpartum depression, and postpartum anxiety? PPD and PPA are medical conditions that need treatment to improve, and although anyone in the postpartum period can be at risk, you don’t need to worry – there is help available! This topic was requested by one of our readers, and in this post we’ll be discussing the differences between the three conditions and how they are treated, including things you can do at home in addition to seeking medical attention.

The Baby Blues

According to the American Pregnancy Association (2021), “approximately 70-80% of all new mothers experience some negative feelings or mood swings after the birth of their child”. Because of hormones during pregnancy and after childbirth, chemical changes in the brain can occur resulting in this milder form of postpartum depression. The symptoms of the baby blues tend to disappear by a few weeks after childbirth, and include mood swings, feeling overwhelmed, irritability, and reduced concentration just to name a few.
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The baby blues will usually go away after a few weeks, but in the meantime, work on getting as much rest as possible, accept any help you may be given, don’t be afraid to ask for help when needed, try to find time to take care of yourself, and connect with other new moms when possible.

Postpartum Depression

Unlike the “baby blues,” postpartum depression doesn’t just go away on its own. Although postpartum depression can seem scary, it is 100% treatable and fairly common. In fact, research shows that up to 1 in 7 moms will experience postpartum depression (Wisner et al., 2013). There are several factors that put you at risk for postpartum depression: low socioeconomic status, history of depression, history of stressful conditions, lack of familial support, and unwanted pregnancy are just a few (Ahmed et al., 2021). The difference between the baby blues and postpartum depression can look like the inability to bond with your baby, restlessness, hopelessness, feeling inadequate, excessive crying, and recurring thoughts of death and/or suicide. The media has shared many stories of women suffering from postpartum depression without being treated that harm their children, but postpartum depression can also look like a desire to harm yourself.
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Postpartum depression is usually treated with therapy, medication, or a combination of both. With appropriate treatment, symptoms usually improve, but it is important to stay the course and continue treatment even after you initially feel better.

Postpartum Anxiety

Postpartum depression gets a lot of press, but what about postpartum anxiety? Some of the symptoms overlap (like sleep disruption, even when the baby sleeps), but what sets postpartum anxiety apart from postpartum depression is a constant or near-constant worry that won’t go away. You may feel dread or have racing or intrusive thoughts, have heart palpitations, or hyperventilate. The anxiety can even result in panic attacks. It’s a lot to deal with when you’re already dealing with a newborn, but don’t worry: just like postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety is 100% treatable.
Postpartum anxiety is also usually treated with therapy, medication, or a combination of both. 
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What to do for yourself

Your prenatal care provider should monitor you throughout pregnancy for signs of depression. If you notice something is off, do not hesitate to let them know. After your child is born, you will typically have a 6-week postpartum check with your provider and they will assess you for postpartum anxiety and depression at that time. Again, do not hesitate to let them know of your concerns, and be sure to attend your 6-week appointment. Often, pediatricians’ offices will have a mother fill out a questionnaire the first few visits to assess you for postpartum anxiety and depression as well. If symptoms develop after that time (which is possible), be sure to reach out for more professional help. 
You may be reluctant or even embarrassed to admit that you need help, but if you are feeling depressed or anxious after the birth of your baby, call your doctor as soon as possible.
It’s important to be aware that you can develop PPD or PPA with a second, third, fourth, etc. pregnancy even if you have not had it with previous pregnancies. If at any point you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, seek assistance from loved ones to take immediate care of your child and call 9-1-1 for help.

Helping a friend

People with postpartum depression or anxiety may not even realize what is going on and that they need help. Don’t wait and hope that things will improve; if you suspect a loved one is suffering, help them get help immediately
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Postpartum depression for fathers

Although fathers may not experience the hormone changes in pregnancy, that doesn’t mean they are immune to postpartum stress. When a mother is depressed, chances are that the father may feel similar stress. Again, in this situation, seeking help is a necessary step.

“Home remedies”

These are things that can help in addition to professional help. They should not be a substitution for professional help such as therapy and medication, but rather, a supplement to that assistance.
Especially for c-section mamas, physical activity may be difficult in the initial days or weeks. Once you are able, try to introduce some physical activity back into your daily routine, such as going on a walk with your baby. The endorphins that accompany exercise can help improve your mood and you can bond with your baby during this time.
Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels
Avoid isolation as much as possible. The postpartum period may feel lonely, but there are many others who have been through it and are willing to help you. If they don’t offer help, please do not be afraid to ask for it yourself. If someone offers to watch the baby so you can sleep or shower, take them up on it. It’s important to take time for yourself, and even time with your partner.
Try to set realistic expectations for yourself. You can’t do it all and you shouldn’t be expected to, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Do what you are able and leave the rest.
Help is available to you. More information on postpartum anxiety and depression can be found here.
If you are pregnant or in the postpartum period, make a list of individuals you can reach out to when you need help – whether it be a meal, watching your baby, or more.
If you are looking to help someone who you think may be suffering, reach out, now. Do not ask what you can do to help, find what you can do to help.

References

Ahmed, G. K., Elbeh, K., Shams, R. M., Malek, M. A. A., & Ibrahim, A. K. (2021). Prevalence and predictors of postpartum depression in Upper Egypt: A multicenter primary health care study. Journal of Affective Disorders, 290, 211–218. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jad.2021.04.046
Baby Blues. American Pregnancy Association. (2021, July 16). Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://americanpregnancy.org/healthy-pregnancy/first-year-of-life/baby-blues/. 
Field, T. (2018). Postnatal anxiety prevalence, predictors and effects on development: A narrative review. Infant Behavior & Development, 51, 24–32. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.infbeh.2018.02.005
Gueron, S. N., Shahar, G., Volkovich, E., & Tikotzky, L. (2021). Prenatal maternal sleep and trajectories of postpartum depression and anxiety symptoms. Journal of Sleep Research, 30(4). https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jsr.13258
Shulman, B., Dueck, R., Ryan, D., Breau, G., Sadowski, I., & Misri, S. (2018). Feasibility of a mindfulness-based cognitive therapy group intervention as an adjunctive treatment for postpartum depression and anxiety. Journal of Affective Disorders, 235, 61–67. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jad.2017.12.065
Shorey, S., Chee, C. Y. I., Ng, E. D., Chan, Y. H., Tam, W. W. S., & Chong, Y. S. (2018). Prevalence and incidence of postpartum depression among healthy mothers: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 104, 235–248. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2018.08.001
Wisner KL, Sit DKY, McShea MC, et al. Onset Timing, Thoughts of Self-harm, and Diagnoses in Postpartum Women With Screen-Positive Depression Findings. JAMA Psychiatry. 2013;70(5):490–498. doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2013.87

 

McKay Strong is a Texas native. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit, has been married for three years, and recently gave birth to her daughter. She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even prouder cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Power Couples

Stress Making a Mess of Your Relationship?

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Cover photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

Written by Emma Smith
They say that the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. If I may be so bold, I’d like to add stress to that list. Regardless of wealth, gender, or race you will experience stress in life. Moving, losing a job, starting a new job, the birth of a baby, the death of a family member are just a few of the major family stressors experienced by most families. These stressors have also been compounded in the last year with the major stressor of a global pandemic as recorded in the Harris Poll conducted in February of 2021. 
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A representative sample of the US population reports that their stress has increased in a variety of categories in relation to the pandemic. Not only are people dealing with the expected stressors of life as mentioned previously, but they are more anxious to seek out health care, stressed about potential job loss and financial troubles, and experiencing weight gain (Harris Poll, 2021). People are struggling to cope with their stress in healthy ways. I know I have been, and it manifests in our relationships.  
If I may, I would like to share a bit of my recent experience on the topic of relationship stress and what my husband and I have done to resolve it. In the past few months, my husband and I both quit our jobs, packed up our life, and moved to Texas for his graduate school. We were lucky enough to buy a home in Texas but as we know all too well, home ownership comes at a great price. In a matter of weeks, we found ourselves with a significantly reduced savings account and I found myself jobless and co-owner of a home in serious need of cleaning and repairs. We were stressed.
Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels
For a while, I ran full-tilt into DIY home renovating with my excess of spare time. My projects were incredibly rewarding and I was really enjoying myself. That was until we ran out of our allotted project money. No project money, no more projects. That was about two weeks ago and I started to sweat. The stress of my continued joblessness despite my countless applications was taking its toll on me and on my marriage. 

A Different Way of Looking at Stress

Enter, the ABC-X model developed by Reuben Hill (Hill, 1949; Hill 1971; Peterson et al., 2013). While grasping for something to help myself personally and my marriage as a whole, I remembered the ABC-X model for family stress and decided to use the model to help me in my stressful situation. Let’s walk through it. 
A represents the event or situation causing the stress, the stressor (Boss et al., 2002; Peterson et al., 2013; Paragamet et al., 2013). In my case, my whole situation of joblessness and no more projects to distract me from my predicament are my A. B represents the resources available to the family experiencing the stress (Peterson et al., 2013). For many, resources can include family, friends, education, or coping strategies. Really anything that helps and acts as a buffer to the stressor (A) is a resource (B). 
Photo by Dustin Belt on Unsplash
This is where I began to apply the model; I took a step back and asked myself, “What resources do I have?” I took more time applying for even more jobs and, because I am religious, I began praying daily for help to find a job that would hire me. I also reached out to my husband and told him about some of the feelings of inadequacy and frustration that I was feeling because of my perceived lack of contribution. Viewing my husband as a resource rather than a person I was actively disappointing helped lessen the stress on our marriage because I became less avoidant and fearful of judgement around him. 
Photo by J’Waye Covington on Unsplash
C represents the family’s perception of the stressor (Peterson et al., 2013). If the family’s perception of the stressor is that it is insurmountable or unmanageable, then the family will likely crack under the pressure. If the family views the stressor as a growth opportunity or a short period of trial, then the family will ultimately strengthen. It was at that moment that I also realized that I had been viewing this period of joblessness and never ending and I had been catastrophizing the whole situation in my own head. If I remain jobless, we will never financially recover from buying this home and we will never have savings again and so on. I needed to change my perspective (C) in order to reduce my stress and change the outcome of it all on my relationship.
Photo by Bud Helisson on Unsplash
That brings us to X, which represents the level of stress (Peterson et al., 2013). The stressor (A), the available resources (B), and the perception of the situation (C) all affect the level or severity of stress (X) felt by the family. In my situation, I was feeling very stressed and like my husband was judging or blaming me for my joblessness despite my efforts. However, when I drew upon my resources, including my husband, and changed my perspective, my level of stress and the stress on our relationship decreased substantially. 
Though not guaranteed to work in every situation, this simplistic view of the ABC-X model could help you or your family cope with stress as it did mine. Start by identifying the stressor (A) and your available resources (B) both within and outside of the relationship. Then examine your perspective (C) of the situation; is it accurate or realistic? From there, draw upon your available resources and work to change faulty or pessimistic perspectives. As you do so, you should feel a lowered level of stress in your life and relationship.
Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels
We cannot always remove stressors in our lives, but we can learn how to cope effectively and positively. Stressors do not have to crush us, they can instead strengthen us. It is a fact that fire burns wood but tempers, or hardens, steel. In a world of fire, are you made of wood or steel?
Practice using the ABC-X model in one of your relationships this week! Where are you currently experiencing stress? Identify the stressor, your resources for dealing with it, and your perception of the situation, and then evaluate how that impacts your stress level.

References

Boss, P., Bryant, C. M., & Mancini, J. A. (2002). Family Stress Management: A contextual approach (2nd ed.). SAGE.
Hill, R. (1949). Families under stress. Harper.
Hill, R. (1971). Families under stress; adjustment to the crises of war separation and reunion. Greenwood Press.
Pargament, K. I., Exline, J. J., Jones, J. W., Shafranske, E. P., & Walsh, F. (2013). In Apa Handbook of Psychology, Religion, and spirituality. essay, American Psychological Association.
Peterson, G. W., Bush, K. R., & Lavee, Y. (2013). In Handbook of marriage and the family. essay, Springer. 

 

Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Life and an emphasis in social work. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
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Love, Me, Project Parent

Maintaining Your Identity in Motherhood

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Cover photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels

Written by Rian Gordon
“I have been so focused on taking care of everyone else that I don’t even know what I need anymore.” “I feel like I’m fading away in this monotony.” “Who even am I?” 
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking any of these things, you might just be a mom. 
Motherhood is one of the most demanding and difficult jobs out there. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing, and when you are giving so much of yourself to your children, it can be easy to feel like you’ve gotten lost in translation. I am a mom twice over, and each time I feel like I’ve had to re-discover myself — my goals and personal priorities, how I feel most comfortable expressing myself, how to best tend to my physical/emotional/mental/spiritual needs, what brings me the most joy, what makes me feel most like ME. And according to research, this is a pretty common experience for a lot of moms (Laney et al., 2015).   
So how do we balance giving of ourselves and staying true to who we are in a relationship that requires so much of us? Here are five principles that have helped me to maintain my identity in motherhood. 

1. “Mother” is not (and should not be) your only role

Becoming a mother drastically changes your life. Not only does it require you to physically care for a helpless human being, it also comes with a lot of societal baggage and expectations that carry with them the entire history of motherhood (Choi et al., 2005). Because of this, it can be easy to get overwhelmed and feel like you aren’t measuring up!
If you feel like you are getting lost in all of the pressure and comparison, take a step back and remember that you are more than just “Mom”. 
Photo by Austin Wade on Unsplash
Although you may be your child’s entire world (especially when they are teeny tiny), don’t feel guilty if being a mother doesn’t make you feel completely fulfilled all the time. Of COURSE we love our children with our whole hearts, and of COURSE we want to give them the world, and our best selves. But your needs are also important. You are a multi-dimensional human being who is not completely defined by the role of mother. Make sure that you are nourishing the other parts of yourself, and that you are finding your worth and value in more than just the development of your kiddos. Remember: when we take care of our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, there is more of us to give to those we love. 
Try this:
  • Take a break from social media to help you avoid comparing yourself with others
  • Don’t allow others to dictate what being a good mom means to you by setting healthy boundaries
  • Schedule time for intentional self-care
  • Read my article “Perfection in Parenting: Dealing with Mom Guilt” for more information

2. Whether you choose to work outside the home or not, you’re right

One of the most loaded and difficult topics to navigate as a mother is outside-the-home work. A woman’s career can be an incredibly important part of her identity, defining many of her relationships, dictating how she spends her time, and ultimately shaping how she relates to the world. When you become a mom, however, it can be difficult to know whether you should stay at home full time, or continue pursuing a career outside the home along with your new full-time job of parenting. Sometimes you don’t really have a choice, which can further complicate the issue. 
Photo by William Fortunato from Pexels
Rather than arguing whether or not working outside of the home when you are a mom is right, I feel it is better to ask yourself whether or not it is the right choice FOR YOU. Research has actually shown that the woman’s preference is one of the most important factors in determining the relationship between her working status and her mental health (along with social support and job quality) (Gordon, 2018). 
When it comes down to it, finding the right work/home balance for you can help you have better mental health and be a better mom and partner. So, if you aren’t sure what that best fit looks like for you and your family, try asking yourself these questions:
  • Do I want to be working outside the home as a mom?
  • Does pursuing a career bring me joy and help me feel fulfilled?
  • What resources can I draw on to help me find a manageable and healthy work/life balance?
  • If working is not currently an option for me, in what other ways can I continue to develop myself, my talents, and my relationships?
If you want more information on being a working mom specifically, check out my article “To Work or Not To Work: What the Research Says about Being a Stay-At-Home Mom”. 

3. Your other relationships still matter

Many mothers, especially stay-at-home moms, spend the majority of their time with their children. That’s okay! Kids take a lot of time and energy, especially when they are little, and making that sacrifice to be with your kids in these especially formative years can be so rewarding. However, it can be easy to lose yourself (and your mind) when your only conversation partner all day is your toddler!
Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash
Take the time to nurture the adult relationships in your life that aren’t directly tied to your motherhood (ie. playgroup moms are awesome, but they aren’t the only adult friends you should make time to see). Be particularly intentional about setting aside time with your partner – when the kids are all grown up and gone, they will be the one you are left with. Check out this post here for more information on the problems with making your children your #1 relationship priority!
Try this:
  • Set aside time for a weekly date night with your partner
  • Schedule a lunch date with a friend, sans kids
  • Plan a girl’s weekend for you and some friends
  • Have another couple over after the kids are in bed for dessert and games

4. Don’t feel like you have to abandon your personal hopes, dreams, and passions

You have to sacrifice a lot when you’re a mom, but you should NOT have to sacrifice your identity! 
The things you are passionate about are what make you YOU. While you will most likely have to make adjustments to the amount of time you spend in pursuing your own personal goals, you do not have to give them up entirely in order to be a good mother! Continuing to develop yourself in a variety of areas will benefit you, your marriage, and your parenting, so please don’t stop working towards becoming your best self as you help your children to do the same. 
Photo by Michael Burrows from Pexels
Remember that you are not the only person responsible for raising your child. Don’t feel like that burden is solely on you. Rely on your village to give you the support you need in tending to your family and also tending to yourself. Asking for help does not need to be a last resort after you’re already at the end of your rope. Utilize your partner, family members, community, child care, etc. to help you have the time and space you need to continue learning, growing, and developing your individual identity. 
Try this:
  • Read The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky or The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin to re-connect with your passions
  • Take a community class to help you develop a personal talent or try a new hobby
  • Create a vision board to help you focus on who you are becoming

5. Remember: There is a time and a season

While I was working on my undergraduate degree and contemplating plans for my future career, one of my beloved mentors shared some wisdom with me. “You have time!” she said. 
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1
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The rushed pace at which our world currently operates can often make us feel like we have to have everything right here right now, or else we aren’t taking advantage of the time we’ve been given. “Time is scarce,” it tells us, and too often, we give up on our dreams because we feel like we will never have enough time. But do you want to know something? You do not have to do everything right now. Wherever you are at in your motherhood journey, you have an abundance of time ahead of you to accomplish just what you need and want to. As you focus on intentionally living in the moment and finding joy in whatever season you are in right now, you will find that you have as much time as you need.
If something is important to you, set goals, make a plan, and trust that you will have time to accomplish the things that matter most. 
Try this:
  • Practice mindfulness to help ground yourself in the present
  • Keep a journal so you can record your favorite daily moments
  • Avoid overscheduling yourself or your kids so you can enjoy being in the moment together and to decrease the amount of stress you experience

Conclusion

It isn’t realistic to expect that motherhood won’t change you. I am personally so grateful for the ways that being a mom has helped me grow, and how it has reshaped the way I see myself and the world! However, completely losing yourself to motherhood is not necessary. If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore because being a mom has sucked you dry, take the time to invest in yourself! You are worth it.
This week, spend some time alone to re-connect with (or even reclaim) your identity. The “try this” suggestions above could be a great place to start if you need some ideas!

References

Choi, P., Henshaw, C., Baker, S., & Tree, J. (2005). Supermum, superwife, supereverything: Performing femininity in the transition to motherhood. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 23(2), 167–180. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646830500129487
Gordon, R. N. (2018, October 13). To work or not to work: What the research says about being a stay-at-home mom. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/to-work-or-not-to-work-what-the-research-says-about-being-a-stay-at-home-mom/ 
Laney, E. K., Lewis Hall, M. E., Anderson, T. L, & Willingham, M. M. (2015) Becoming a mother: The influence of motherhood on women’s identity development. Identity, 15(2), 126-145. https://doi.org/10.1080/15283488.2015.1023440
Smith, J. A. (1999). Identity development during the transition to motherhood: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 17(3), 281–299. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646839908404595

 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
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Guest Writers, Love, Me, Mental Notes

Supporting a Loved One with an Eating Disorder

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Written by Rebecca Zundel, Brigham Young University
I’ll never forget the moment when Brooklyn turned to me and said, “Becca, I have something I’ve been needing to tell you.” 
First, I felt relief. Brooklyn was finally opening up to me about her nearly year-long challenge with an eating disorder. Then came hope—maybe this was the beginning of recovery. Next, love and a desire to protect my friend flowed out in the form of tears and hugs; I would do anything for Brooklyn. But finally, fear presented itself. Eating disorders were new territory for me. 
Although they were new to me, eating disorders are not uncommon. For every eleven Americans, one will face an eating disorder at some point in their life (Arcelus et al., 2011). That one in eleven may be a friend or family member, and watching them suffer with an eating disorder can be discouraging and frightening. However, you can support your loved one by learning how to approach them, seeking to understand eating disorders, and finding ways to assist in their recovery. 
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Approaching Your Loved One

I’ve often wondered what would have happened if Brooklyn had not told me that she was struggling with an eating disorder. I now understand that speaking up may, in a very literal sense, save a life. Brooklyn came to me before I ever built up the courage to talk to her about the changes I had noticed, but your case may differ. The following points may help if you find yourself needing to approach your friend or family member about an eating disorder (National Eating Disorders Association, 2013):
  • Be prepared. Realize your purpose in approaching your loved one, then set up a private time to speak with them. You may even consider rehearsing what you want to say. 
Photo by Keira Burton from Pexels
  • Honestly express your concerns. Explain your concerns in an open and caring way without condemning or judging your loved one. One way to do this is to avoid “you” statements like “You’re not eating enough!” Instead, use “I” phrases like “I’ve noticed you are eating less.” 
  • Refrain from “simple” solutions. Avoid suggesting “simple” solutions to their trial. Telling someone struggling with an eating disorder to “just eat” is rarely, if ever, helpful.
  • Avoid stigmas and encourage professional help. Help your loved one understand that having an eating disorder and getting necessary help is not shameful. Assist them in getting professional help.
These suggestions can help you lovingly approach your friend or family member. However, they may react negatively at first because mental disorders affect your thinking (Zaitsoff et al., 2020). Brooklyn explained it this way: “While I was in the depths of an eating disorder, I didn’t want help because I knew that ‘help’ would mean potentially giving up everything that my disordered mind considered important in life.” Fear of receiving a negative reaction is understandable. I was afraid. But I now understand that I would rather face my fear than lose my best friend. 
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Understanding Eating Disorders

After our first conversation, I realized that I had much to learn about eating disorders. While Brooklyn’s health was suffering, she didn’t have what I originally thought of as an eating disorder. Her eating and exercise habits were definitely disordered, but Brooklyn ate. Understanding Brooklyn’s experience with an eating disorder was my first step in supporting her, and the following steps can help you on your path to understanding: 
  • Do your research. Accept that multiple variations of eating disorders exist, and eating disorders are more complex than simply not eating. Eating disorders include any condition involving eating and other behaviors that negatively affect physical, emotional, and functional health (“Eating Disorders,” 2018). While Brooklyn ate, her obsession with healthy eating and exercise was still an eating disorder.
  • Listen to your loved one. One of your best resources for understanding eating disorders may be the person you know who is actually suffering with an eating disorder. Sometimes, their current mindset may not elicit helpful comments, but when they do open up to you, be ready to listen and learn. 
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
  • Seek the help of medical professionals. If a medical professional is assisting in your friend’s recovery, then seek the professional’s advice. They likely have insights on how you can personally help your friend. 
  • Apply what you are learning. As you better come to understand your loved one’s trial, be willing to adjust and apply the strategies provided by the medical professionals.
With the help of these steps, I learned that multiple factors affect the formation of eating disorders. Brooklyn’s eating disorder actually stemmed from struggles with perfectionism and anxiety. When I finally understood this, I was better able to support my friend in the ways that she personally needed. 

Assisting in Recovery

Later in the recovery process, Brooklyn helped me understand that having support in recovery is extremely beneficial, even for someone as strong and determined as she is. The following are a few of the best ways to support loved ones through recovery (Fleming et al., 2020):
  • Listen. Whenever your loved one talks of their experiences with an eating disorder, listen intently. This is not the time to discuss your own difficulties with body image or dieting. Doing so may actually discount your loved one’s struggles or trigger a relapse (Saxey, 2020). Instead, when they talk, simply listen and love.
Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels
  • Show loving determination for accountability. Some days, the love you show will simply include providing company or understanding. Other days, however, your love may need to consist of firm accountability. Help your friend or family member keep their commitments to steps of recovery, and do not enable self-destructive behaviors.
  • Remind your loved one of the joys of life. Brooklyn explained that an eating disorder is “completely mind-numbing. Life became bland and full of numbers and checklists, rather than the spontaneity and excitement that should encompass it.” Help your friend or family member enjoy different activities so that they can remember the joy of life.
  • Remain hopeful. Most individuals recovering from an eating disorder will relapse, face emotional days, and experience other challenges along their road to recovery (“Relapse and Reoccurrence”). This does not mean that hope is lost. Remain hopeful and encourage them to do the same.  
Recovery is different for each individual, but having support is actually one of the most consistent helpers (Linville et al., 2012). To support Brooklyn, I became more educated about nutrition and intuitive eating. I accompanied her to joyous activities and helped her navigate her eating disorder triggers. As determined as Brooklyn is, she needed support and so does your loved one. 
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Overcoming Their Challenge

The day Brooklyn told me about her struggle with an eating disorder was years ago. The Brooklyn I knew then was not the bubbly, care-free, and healthy Brooklyn that I know now. She still has her difficult days, but with the support of friends and family, Brooklyn recovered. Approaching your friend, understanding their experience, and assisting in their recovery can help your loved one as they face their own challenge with an eating disorder. 
One of the best ways you can help a loved one with an eating disorder is by getting informed about them. Check out the link from the National Institute of Mental Health to read about different kinds of eating disorders, the signs and symptoms associated with them, and what treatment options might be available for your loved one.

References

Arcelus, J., Mitchell, A. J., Wales, J., & Nielsen, S. (2011). Mortality Rates in Patients with Anorexia Nervosa and Other Eating Disorders. Archives of General Psychiatry, 68(7), 724. https://doi.org/10.1001/archgenpsychiatry.2011.74 
Fleming, C., Le Brocque, R, Healy, K. (2020). How are families included in the treatment of adults affected by eating disorders? A scoping review. International Journal of Eating Disorders. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/eat.23441
Linville, D., Brown, T., Sturm, K., & McDougal, T. (2012). Eating disorders and social support: Perspectives of recovered individuals. Eating Disorders, 20(3), 216–231. https://doi.org/10.1080/10640266.2012.668480
Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. (2018). Eating disorders. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20353609
National Eating Disorders Association. (2018). How to Help a Loved One. NEDA: Feeding Hope. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/help/caregivers
Relapse & Recurrence. National Eating Disorder Collaboration. https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorders/treatment-and-recovery/relapse-and-recurrence/
Saxey, M. (2020). Empathy v. sympathy: Are my attempts really helping others? Family Perspectives, 2(1).
https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/familyperspectives/vol2/iss1/7
Zaitsoff, S. L., Pullmer, R., & Coelho, J. S. (2020). A longitudinal examination of body‐checking behaviors and eating disorder pathology in a community sample of adolescent males and females. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 53(11), 1836–1843. https://doi.org/10.1002/eat.23364

 

Rebecca Zundel was born and raised in a small, Midwestern town with her three older brothers. She now studies human development and editing at Brigham Young University and recently married her best friend. She loves traveling, trying new foods, and is constantly craving a big bowl of ice cream.
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Project Parent

Supporting Teen Mental Health and Positive Risk Taking

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Cover photo by kat wilcox from Pexels

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Mental health among adolescents is a serious concern to many parents and professionals. Many of those who are now raising and training teenagers had a very different experience in their own adolescence. With social media, texting, school, and extracurriculars, today’s teens are never really “off”. The pressure to be seen as good enough, as belonging, but also as a distinct individual, is strong. How are we supposed to help teens balance all of this? 
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Photo by Trinity Kubassek from Pexels

How prevalent is mental illness and risk-taking among teens?

We know that 50% of mental illness sets in by age 14, and 75% sets in by age 24. 40% of teens have had sex. We also know that about 10% of high school females report being coerced into having sex, and about 43% of sexually active teens report that they did not use a condom last time they had sex, and 1 in 4 female teens is infected with an STD, but most don’t even know it. Over 20% of teens report having binge drunk (having 5+ alcoholic beverages within a 2-hour span), and about the same number report having been passengers of an intoxicated driver. 10% report that they have driven under the influence. A third of freshmen report that they have tried marijuana, and we know that 90% of those using marijuana used alcohol and/or nicotine first. And here’s the really scary part: 20% of high schoolers say they have seriously considered a suicide attempt, 1 in 7 has developed an actual plan to end their lives, and 1 in 12 teens has attempted suicide.
With all of these terrifying statistics, how do we keep teens physically and mentally safe and healthy?
We know those fear tactics don’t work. We know this from plenty of research. They. Just. Don’t. Work. So what do we do?

Why do teens take risks?

The teenage brain is wired to take risks and to seek social acceptance and belonging. The need to be accepted by their peers is more than just “being a follower”. The teenage brain processes being socially adept and accepted as a survival skill. And when teens feel excluded or ostracized, their brains literally perceive that as a life or death situation. That’s why your teen absolutely freaks out if you take their phone away – you’re igniting their survival system. I’m not saying phone use should not be regulated – addiction to phones and social media is a very real thing, and we know that the more time people spend on social media apps, the more likely they are to experience low self-esteem, symptoms of depression, and to feel inferior to their peers. But when we are aware of how significant this disconnection is to the teenage brain, it helps us respond with more empathy, explaining the “why” and giving our kids other opportunities for connection.
Understand too that these risks are a part of why teens engage in risky behaviors. The need for peer approval is a survival need. When we help our teens surround themselves with peers that are good influences, and cultivate good relationships with parents, teachers, coaches, and other trustworthy people, we foster positive connections, fulfill that survival need, and mitigate the necessity to take risks. 
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Photo by Jacub Gomez from Pexels

We can help teens take healthy risks!

The reward system in teenage brains is also more sensitive – everything literally feels better to them: fries taste better, roller coasters are more thrilling, and winning feels even better. This is because the teenage brain releases more dopamine than the adult brain. Rewards – good things – just feel better! This is another part of why teens are driven to take risks. Surges of adrenaline and dopamine feel so good to the teenage brain. If we can help kids find positive ways to get these hormone surges, we again mitigate risk. Trying new things, developing talents, sports, dancing, performing, amusement parks, hiking, etc. When we find positive ways to trigger the reward center, we limit the need for risk-taking behaviors.
Teens with mental illnesses and traumatic experiences are more likely to take risks. Our awareness of these needs can help them participate in activities that will not only allow them to get these dopamine surges in other ways, but that will also teach them skills, boost their confidence, help them connect with good people, and encourage things like responsibility, work ethic, motivation, self-efficacy, sportsmanship, and emotional regulation. Activities like sports teams, dance, theatre, or a part-time job are just some examples. If you want more information on adolescent risk-taking, read Born to Be Wild: Why Teens Take Risks, and How We Can Help Keep Them Safe by Jess P. Shatkin.

Our teens need to get enough sleep!

Our teens also need more sleep. Studies show that schools that delay their start time by sixty, or even thirty minutes, have students with lower rates of depression, better grades, and better decision-making. Their students also get in fewer accidents. Teens also often fall asleep to blue light – their phones, TVs, laptops, or tablets. Viewing blue light less than sixty minutes before falling asleep disrupts REM sleep, leaving people feeling less well-rested. 
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Photo by Artem Beliaikin from Pexels

We need to be emotion coaches for our kids.

One of the most important parts of supporting our teens is through being an emotion coach. While most often we think about emotion coaches within the context of effective parenting, teachers, coaches, and other adults who work with youth can also be emotion coaches. Emotion coaching is essentially setting aside our own agendas to help children identify, understand, and process their emotions in a way that will improve their decision-making, relationships, and resilience. Emotion coaching does not mean we remove boundaries or discipline, but it does mean that our priorities shift from behavior correction to helping kids understand how their emotions and behaviors coincide, and how they can use their emotions as tools. Emotion coaching parents empower their kids and help them take ownership over their emotions and experiences, without dismissing or shaming them. Kids who are emotion coached have better social skills, are more resilient, are better at making and keeping friends, participate in less risky behaviors, have better mental and physical health, better immune systems, better relationships with their parents, are better able to resolve conflict, and are more successful academically. You can check out a few of our articles on emotion coaching and emotional intelligence here and here, but I would also recommend Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman.
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Don’t delay getting professional help.

At the end of the day, if you think your teen needs clinical/professional intervention, don’t wait. A good therapist or behavior coach can go a long way. Some teens require more intensive treatment programs, even residential treatment. This does not mean that you have failed as a parent – sometimes our kids have clinical mental illnesses or traumatic experiences that are beyond our control. Whatever the issue, if you think your child may need intervention, don’t wait. Teenagers are so close to being adults – and if they don’t resolve some of these issues before reaching adulthood, it can mean lasting problems with their adult relationships, higher education, and/or career pursuits. When we delay in helping our kids manage their mental health, they take scripts into their adulthood of maladaptive ways to manage or not to manage that health. Taking further steps may sound intense, but it gives our teens a better chance as adults. We all know that it can be so much harder to manage our trauma, mental illness, ticks, and struggles as adults, now that the expectations and stakes are so much higher. Normalize conversations about mental health in your home. It matters! Normalizing these kinds of conversations can help our kids feel less shame about their struggles, feel supported, and take more ownership over their own mental health.
1. Have a non-judgmental conversation with your teen about their mental health. Practice listening, and avoid lecturing.
2. Find a way to engage in a positive risk-taking behavior with your teen. (In other words, get their dopamine and adrenaline up!)

References

Gottman, J. M., Declaire, J., & Goleman, D. (2015). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, N.Y: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Sellers, C. M., Díaz-Valdés, A., Porter, A. C., Glenn, C. R., Miller, A. B., Battalen, A. W., & O’Brien, K. H. M. (2021). Nonsuicidal self-injury, suicide planning, and suicide attempts among high-risk adolescents prior to psychiatric hospitalization. Research on Child and Adolescent Psychopathology, 49(11), 1503–1511. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10802-021-00830-z
Shatkin, J. P., (2018). Born to be Wild: Why teens take risks, and how we can help keep them safe. PENGUIN Books.
Stevenson, S. (2016). Sleep smarter: 21 essential strategies to sleep your way to a better body, better health, and bigger success. New York, NY: Rodale Books.

 

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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