The #metoo campaign of a month ago left me thinking about my own experiences, and the experiences of many of my loved ones.
Sexual assault strips lives in a way that nothing else can, leaving a victim with an intense sense of loss, devaluation, confusion, pain, and often shame. Now that I have used the word ‘victim’, I want to stray from it, and use the term ‘survivor’ from this point forward.
There are many circumstances in which sexual abuse occurs, but because most survivors are abused as minors, I will speak about healing from CSA (child sexual abuse).
Seek Therapy
First, therapy is an important part of healing. Therapists can help survivors process through the trauma and make peace with it (Duvall et al., 2020). They also can work with the families of survivors to help them understand how they can be supportive and empathic while still maintaining healthy boundaries (Eék et al., 2020). This process is especially important when a survivor of CSA is preparing to get married, or enter into a significant, romantic relationship.
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When one has been abused as a child, their beliefs about sex, pleasure and their body change. Survivors are at great risk of becoming either 1) promiscuous, subconsciously searching for love and attachment in unhealthy ways, or 2) abstinent out of fear, wanting to avoid sex altogether (Deliramich & Gray, 2008).
I know of a couple who had been married for twenty plus years. She had been sexually abused when she was a young child, and still, twenty years later, because she and her husband had not received any kind of treatment, having sex was a traumatic experience for her – every single time. Consequently, sex was a bi-annual occasion. Being able to be close to her husband was mentally draining. The couple began to see a therapist regularly. She was able to process through her abuse, and he was able to understand her needs, fears and the two began to develop a healthy sexual relationship.
For those who are preparing to have a sexual relationship with their partners, I strongly encourage premarital counseling (I endorse it anyway, but even more so in this case). A therapist will help the survivor be more comfortable with the sexual experience. He/she will also help the partner be more aware of the survivor’s triggers.
A note: therapy takes time. It is not a magical fix, and requires work. It does work, but only as much as you choose to.
Create a Sexual Script
I tell this to everyone considering becoming sexually active in a relationship, but it is especially important in cases of CSA. Create a sexual script. This script outlines in detail what sex will be like the first few times, from undressing, to foreplay, to penetration, and so on. Sex at first needs to be slow. It is not a race, it is about intimacy. Creating a script helps the abused know what is up – it removes the element of surprise, and therefore a significant amount of stress. It helps the partner know what is safe to do and not to do. This script minimizes the chances of re-traumatizing the survivor. And don’t worry, this script does not need to be followed every time. As the couple becomes comfortable with each other, and as a bond of safety, trust and comfort is built, there will be plenty of room for exploring. Having said that, communicate.
Communicate Needs
A couple’s sex life reflects the quality of their relationship. Conversely, the couple’s relationship directly reflects the quality of their sex life (Fallis et al., 2014). In other words, if your sex life is not great, your relationship needs repair. But if your relationship is struggling, your sex life could use some work. Being on the same page about sex is important.
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Sexual intimacy consists of two people, with vastly different needs and ideas. It is important that those needs and ideas are communicated.
As a survivor myself, I remember the first time I had a panic attack during sex. My husband did nothing wrong, though he thought he did and felt terrible. I remember him holding me and soothing me. When I was calm, I processed through what had triggered me and why I had felt unsafe. My husband did not blame me for ruining what could have been a romantic evening. He did not tell me to get over it. He was understanding, and asked what he could do differently in the future. After that terrifying experience, I found myself hesitating to be sexually intimate, not realizing that my not putting out was negatively effecting my husband, and consequently our relationship. He communicated to me that he wanted to feel close to me, and felt disconnected. We were able to have a conversation to help us get on track again. This worked, and our funk only lasted a few weeks because he communicated with me, and I with him.
Take Accountability
Survivors sometimes sabotage their relationships. The unconscious belief tends to be that because of the way someone treated them, they cannot trust others, and therefore others must be kept at a distance. Many also add to that working belief that they are damaged goods because of the abuse, and so who could really want and value them?
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Survivors need to be aware of this, recognize when they are falling into this trap, and work themselves out of it. Sometimes processing through this with their partner is sufficient, sometimes it requires a therapeutic process. And sometimes, it just requires that the survivor pull himself/herself up, stop playing the victim, and get to work.
What it comes down to, is that a survivor is not responsible for their sexual abuse. It is not their fault. Period. That being the case, survivors are responsible for taking part in the healing process and relationships following. You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control what you do because of it. Not allowing people to come close to you, or refusing to let yourself accept love, is an unhealthy, sad, and unfortunate choice.
Sexual intimacy is beautiful, and important. The bonding that takes place is unparalleled. A couple gets to create their own sexual relationship, and it always take time. The time is worth it.
References
Deliramich, A. N., & Gray, M. J. (2008). Changes in women’s sexual behavior following sexual assault. Behavior Modification, 32(5), 611–621. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0145445508314642
Duval, E. R., Sheynin, J., King, A. P., Phan, K. L., Simon, N. M., Martis, B., Porter, K. E., Norman, S. B., Liberzon, I., & Rauch, S. A. M. (2020). Neural function during emotion processing and modulation associated with treatment response in a randomized clinical trial for posttraumatic stress disorder. Depression and Anxiety, 37(7), 670–681. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/da.23022
Eék, N., Romberg, K., Siljeholm, O., Johansson, M., Andreasson, S., Lundgren, T., Fahlke, C., Ingesson, S., Bäckman, L., & Hammarberg, A. (2020). Efficacy of an internet-based community reinforcement and family training program to increase treatment engagement for AUD and to improve psychiatric health for CSOs: A randomized controlled trial. Alcohol and Alcoholism, 55(2), 187–195. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1093/alcalc/agz095
Fallis, E. E., Rehman, U. S., & Purdon, C. (2014). Perceptions of partner sexual satisfaction in heterosexual committed relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(3), 541–550. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10508-013-0177-y
Jones, S. L., & Hostler, H. R. (2002). Sexual Script Theory: An integrative exploration of the possibilities and limits of sexual self-definition. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 30(2), 120–130.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Opinion Piece written by Aubrey-Dawn and Richard Palmer
We recently talked about how sometimes after the honeymoon, and the kids, and the house, and the career come along, our spouse ends up at the bottom of our to-do list. Even we have said to each other, “I’ll kiss you when I finish…” or, “A date is not in the cards this week”. We have also said to each other, “I really need a date.”
Sometimes that means it has been a long week, and we need a break. Sometimes it means we feel disconnected. Sometimes it means we need to play, or relax, or feel sexy, or just get out. In marriage, couples develop a routine. Having a routine is important, but if things become too routine, romantic partners become mundane roommates.
Dating reminds us that we come first. Not me. Not him/her. Us. Work, infertility treatments, bills, errands, volunteer work, and extended family are a few pieces of our crazy lives. But it isn’t really about any of that. We come first, and dating helps us keep that perspective. It keeps us unified, and refreshes and gives us the energy we need to keep up with other demands. It both helps us accomplish our to-do lists, and reminds us who should be at the top of it (pun intended!).
Richard’s experience: “Once we didn’t go on a date for a somewhat long period of time, and there was little reason for me to do anything extra – dress up, perform well at work, or even clean the house. I forgot to do the little things – bringing home a rose, making the bed, or giving her a goodnight kiss. I didn’t joke with her as much, and there wasn’t the same motivation to make her laugh. Obviously I still loved her, and I still did things for her, like rub her back at night to help her fall asleep, but my priorities did change. It was more about serious, ‘life’ stuff, than about our relationship.”
Dates can and must take many forms.
Variety is important. Let dates reflect either the climate of your relationship, or the needs of you and your partner. For example, if the climate of your relationship has been playful, you might go to an arcade, out dancing, or to a sporting event you both enjoy. Or, if you and your partner have had a particularly difficult week, you might get couples massages, or stay home, order takeout, and watch a movie or play games. Our favorite though, is to hike or drive to the top of a mountain, eat dinner, watch the sun set, and talk about absolutely nothing relevant.
Your dating experience needs to be tailored to your relationship, and only you and your partner can do that. Dates can be simple, fancy, long, short, playful, romantic, active, relaxing, cathartic, sexy or a combination of things. You decide, but switch it up.
Balance spontaneous and planned dates.
The difference between the two is the level of commitment. A spontaneous date could look something like this: “On the way home from grocery shopping, why don’t we stop and grab ice cream?” (In case you’re confused, grocery shopping is NOT a date. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t make a little date before or after.) The commitment level is lower, but it also shows that you are thinking of your significant other and that you care enough to buy them that ice cream cone. A planned date might be something like, “I got a reservation to our favorite restaurant and then afterwards we are going to see that play we have wanted to see for so long.” These kinds of dates require a higher level of commitment because you are prioritizing in advance, and thinking more in an us mind set: we love this restaurant, and we have wanted to see this play for a while now. Both are needed and essential to having a successful dating life in marriage.
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Accommodate for differing interests when dating.
While most of the time, dates need to be activities that both parties enjoy, or at least do not detest, occasionally it is important to plan a date that is tailored to the needs of your significant other.
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Aubrey-Dawn’s experience: “When I was still in college, I had one particularly stressful semester. My husband knew that I was stressed. I told him that I would be staying late to study. When I came home that evening, I found some of my clothes on the bed with instructions to put them on, which I did. When I went into the kitchen, I discovered that my husband had made dinner, set a beautiful table with a couple of roses, and written me a long, thoughtful note. We ate dinner together, and were able to spend some much needed ‘us’ time. This helped me relax and put my concerns aside, and I was more energized when I returned to my studies the next day. Richard was aware of my needs, and selflessly took the time to plan a date for me. It was simple and inexpensive, but it was what I needed.”
Usually tailoring dates to the needs of your significant other will be a pleasant experience for you as well, since dating is meant to improve the relationship. Remember though, that it is possible to date selfishly. Selfish daters only do activities they enjoy – for them, dating is not about the relationship or unity, but about the activity and their own pleasure. It is okay to have needs and preferences, but it is not realistic to expect dates to fill every need, and it is disrespectful to refuse to go on dates you do not enjoy. The occasional opera or UFC fight will not kill you. But your attitude might kill the date…if you let it.
Again, both spontaneous and planned dates can take many different attitudes: playful, sexy, active, relaxing, etc. And again, a date is not an errand or shop talk. A date is not about your to-do list. It is is about your relationship. The beauty is, we create our relationships. We get to decide. But that doesn’t matter, unless we put ‘us’ first.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
Most of us love kissing our partners. It can be fun or sexy, romantic or playful, or a million other things. Beyond that, tons of research has shown that kissing your partner has many benefits and is extremely healthy (Busby et al., 2020; Santos-Longhurst, 2018; Kulibert et al., 2019; Fisher et al., 2015)
Biological Benefits
First, kissing has three major biological functions: 1) it helps us assess how suitable a mate is, 2) it arouses us, 3) it prepares the body and mind for sexual intimacy (Busby et al., 2020).
Kissing increases semiochemicals (pheromones) which aid in bonding. Most pheromones are detected by smell, but some of the strongest ones are located on the lips and other erogenous zones.
Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash
As if that weren’t enough, research has shown that making out with your partner boosts your metabolism and immune system, can lower your cholesterol, and can even heal your DNA for up to a minute after a good makeout session. Kissing also significantly lowers stress, which is linked to digestive and cardiovascular health, headaches, and fertility, to name only a few. On top of that, passionate kissing burns an average of 6.4 calories per minute. If you make out for 30 minutes, that’s 192 calories (Santos-Longhurst, 2018).
While you probably ought to kiss your partner for love, not just to boost your metabolism or lower your cholesterol, it is just one way science proves the importance of healthy romantic relationships.
Here’s where it becomes even more interesting. These benefits are most powerful in monogamous relationships (Kulibert et al., 2019). In other words, kissing your partner is biologically much healthier than kissing anyone with a nice pair of lips.
Photo credit: Gloria Prestwich
Relationship Benefits
Mostly, kissing is an incredibly important part of emotional and physical intimacy. If you are having trouble connecting emotionally or physically, kissing more often is one way to improve your relationship (Busby et al., 2020).
Many people report that kissing more frequently outside of a sexual context leads to higher relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction. And kissing your partner as a greeting and a farewell is also important.
Kissing increases the production of oxytocin and dopamine – the chemicals that make you happy and all warm and fuzzy inside (Buehler, 2014). This helps you bond to your partner. It produces emotional attachment. Both the majority of men and women report that kissing is the highest expression of love. I mentioned earlier that kisses can be fun, playful, sexy or romantic. Kisses are nonverbal messages to your partner, and the way you express love, in this way, as many others, drives the success of your relationship and the closeness you feel to one another.
What about the kids?
A little caveat here. In our teaching, my husband and I work with many kids who say they have never seen their parents kiss each other, and this breaks my heart. Your children may not need to see you make out, but it is important to be affectionate around your children. Children will practice in their own relationships what they see you doing. Kissing and being affectionate in front of your children teaches them that marriages can be fulfilling and loving, not the ball-and-chain entrapment Hollywood makes them out to be. Kiss in front of them. It is important for children to see that their parents love each other. This reinforces that you are a team.
1. Please go make out with your partner!
2. Increase the frequency of non-sexual romantic kissing throughout your day.
References
Buehler, S. (2014). Review of The heart of desire: Keys to the pleasures of love. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(3), 255–256. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/0092623X.2014.894317
Busby, D. M., Hanna-Walker, V., & Leavitt, C. E. (2020). A kiss is not just a kiss: Kissing frequency, sexual quality, attachment, and sexual and relationship satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/14681994.2020.1717460
Fisher, W. A., Donahue, K. L., Long, J. S., Heiman, J. R., Rosen, R. C., & Sand, M. S. (2015). Individual and partner correlates of sexual satisfaction and relationship happiness in midlife couples: Dyadic analysis of the international survey of relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 44(6), 1609–1620. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10508-014-0426-8
Kulibert, D. J., Moore, E. A., Dertinger, M. M., & Thompson, A. E. (2019). Attached at the lips: The influence of romantic kissing motives and romantic attachment styles on relationship satisfaction. Interpersona: An International Journal on Personal Relationships, 13(1), 14–30. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.5964/ijpr.v13i1.324
Santos-Longhurst, A. (2018, July 13). 16 reasons to kiss. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/benefits-of-kissing
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
When Joe and Alice (names have been changed) were first married, they spent every minute together. Usually their schedules were the same, but when Alice went out one night, Joe enjoyed a couple of hours of alone time. He felt guilty for enjoying this alone time, and so he said nothing when he realized that he was feeling overwhelmed by all of their togetherness. Alice had the same guilty feeling when Joe went to work on a day she had off.
Another couple, Mike and Sarah (names have been changed) felt that they were becoming no more than distant roommates. Their schedules were opposite. Mike worked at night, and Sarah worked during the day. Medical bills were high, and their schedules were not likely to change. When they did see each other, they were tired, and it was late at night when they were getting ready for bed, or early in the morning when Sarah was getting ready for work.
Photo by Vladimir Kudinov on Unsplash
These two examples – two extremes – illustrate that alone time and together time are both important. Finding a balance between spending time together and alone is essential when it comes to having a healthy relationship.
John Gottman, a leading researcher in couple relationships, says that a minimum of five hours of quality time per week is essential for maintaining healthy romantic relationships. This advice is corroborated by a large amount of research (Benson, 2016). These five hours do not include “shop talk” (conversations about the busy and mundane stuff: work, finances, parenting, etc.). Instead, these five hours are for doing something enjoyable: pillow talk, dinner, a card game, dancing, hiking, shopping, going out to eat, kissing, cooking or something else that members of a partnership enjoy.
Photo by Quinn Eliason
While this time together will help you to get to know each other better, alleviate stress, and deepen your love and commitment, it is perfectly okay to need and want alone time as well. We all need time to rejuvenate, strengthen, and collect ourselves. Spending appropriate amounts of time on our own, without our partner, can increase our ability to be good spouses. Here’s an example from my life.
I love Tuesdays. This is my day off. After I kiss my husband goodbye and he goes to work on Tuesday morning, I put in a couple of loads of laundry, pay bills and do some of the mundane things that need to be done around the house. But I also crank up my favorite 90’s country music, or binge watch one of my favorite shows while I fold laundry, clean, or reorganize some part of the house. I also do something for myself. Sometimes I write in my journal, sometimes I read, and sometimes I work out. I love my husband, but I also love Tuesdays. Because I have taken some productive alone time, by the time my husband comes home, I am ready and excited to see him, and because I have had a good and productive day, he comes home to a happy wife and clean laundry. He kisses me, and then I make sure to give him plenty time to debrief about work (usually twenty minutes or so), and then the remainder of the night is usually reserved for a date. My husband gets alone time on Saturday nights, and allows me the same debriefing time when I get home from work.
Photo by Tia Hall Photography
Sometimes other demands can get in the way of this essential couple time. Children, while important, can sometimes make this time difficult. If you have children, remember that your relationship is more important than your children. Your children exist because of your relationship, and they need to know that your marriage/partnership is important. According to many theories and a lot of research, children model what they see (Jenkins et al., 2005). When children see you cuddling in the living room, or kissing in the kitchen, or going on a date, as well as communicating about your needs and making time for each other, they will exercise similar relationship skills when they are older. They will also be more respectful of you and your partner, because they are watching you respect and care for each other.
Photo by Liza Jane Photography
Take one hour this week to do something you enjoy. The laundry will still be there. So will the dishes. But take an hour to rejuvenate. Then, take some time to be a couple, sans shop talk. Repeat as often as you can.
References
Babcock, J. C., Gottman, J. M., Ryan, K. D., & Gottman, J. S. (2013). A component analysis of a brief psycho-educational couples’ workshop: one-year follow-up results. Journal of Family Therapy, 35(3), 252–280. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/1467-6427.12017
Benson, K. (2016, December 9). 6 hours a week to a better relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/
Cleary Bradley, R. P., & Gottman, J. M. (2012). Reducing Situational Violence in Low-Income Couples by Fostering Healthy Relationships. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 38(Supp S1), 187–198. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00288.x
Jenkins, J., Simpson, A., Dunn, J., Rasbash, J., & O’Connor, T. G. (2005). Mutual Influence of Marital Conflict and Children’s Behavior Problems: Shared and Nonshared Family Risks. Child Development, 76(1), 24–39. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2005.00827.x
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
