Many of us grew up believing that once we’re married or find a life partner, we won’t experience loneliness anymore. And then we grew up and realized that wasn’t the case. The reality is, no matter your place in life, loneliness is a possibility. Even the healthiest couples feel alone, at times, in their relationships. So, how do we cope when love feels lonely?
Resistance and Mindfulness
Ironically, on the day I decided to write about loneliness, I experienced an overwhelming lonely night. It’s as though a wave of isolation, shame and emptiness consumed me. Rather than resist these emotions by jumping to usual numbing tactics, I allowed myself to feel them completely (Metcalfe & Mischel, 1999). I refrained from giving loneliness meaning, and instead, I just sat there with the feeling. What happened as a result? It, like all emotions, eventually passed. When we seek to understand our feelings rather than avoid them, they come and go as vibrations in the body. According to life coach Jodi Moore, “when we resist negative emotion, we intensify it” (Moore, 2015). Part of mindfulness is observing our emotions instead of judging them. Researchers have found when dealing with negative emotions it is more helpful to ask “what” rather than “why” (Kross, Ayduk & Mischel, 2005). There is a difference in “I feel lonely” and “I feel lonely, therefore, I must not be lovable, worthy, matter, etc.” Understanding our emotions without identifying with them is a leap toward emotional freedom. In times of anxiety ask yourself “what am I making this mean about me? Is that how I want to feel?”
Photo from pexels.com
Letting go of control to seek awareness is a paradox to our survival instincts. We begin life dependent on external sources to quell our loneliness. As we become independent, our modern brains grow in reasoning. However, when the mind detects danger, our primal brain wants to protect. This is why when we experience negative emotions in our adult years there is often a sense of fear and urgency. Remember that your brain is just doing its job to protect you. When loneliness and fear of loneliness come up, be mindful that yes this hurts or feels uncomfortable, but is not life-threatening (Well, 2017).
Connection and Vulnerability
Sometimes loneliness catches us by surprise like in my recent experience. Other times it’s created by a buildup of emotions and unmet needs. Some researchers define loneliness as “a discrepancy between actual and desired interpersonal relationships” (De Jong-Gierveld, 1989). Meaning there is a lack of personal or social support and intimacy. When we feel lonely, we may be lacking connection, which can be found in many ways. Connection with self, others, the earth, a higher power, etc. Things like getting out in nature, taking a hot bath, meditating, talking with a friend or family member, praying, and reading good literature have all helped to ease my feelings of inadequacy.
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
No matter the type of connection we are needing, the stipulation is vulnerability. Remaining open to uncertainty is a precondition for the intimacy that can dissipate loneliness and shame. “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection” (Brown, 2010). We all need each other in some way, and our networks can help us in lonely times. Having relationships is part of what makes life beautiful and dynamic. It’s easy to admire someone’s strengths, but we actually connect with their weaknesses. Yet, remember that outside sources, people included, are not a fix-all. It takes both self-awareness and compassion from others to get through difficult times. Using loneliness to fuel introspection can lead to many insights and discoveries (Hixon & Swann, 1993). Holding space for others and holding space for yourself can co-exist, despite what we may have thought.
Right vs. Happy
Often times loneliness appears in our exchanges due to disagreements. Not seeing eye to eye is completely normal and inevitable in any relationship. The only person who thinks like you, is you. While conflict is good, and sometimes part of our path to connection, it can also create more feelings of separateness within partnerships. I’ve witnessed topics like raising children, religion, politics, diet, money, education, career and many others pull people apart.
Photo by Sebastian Pichler on Unsplash
I know a couple with different beliefs that have managed to put being happy over being right. The wife is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), and her husband isn’t religious. Her husband has fully supported her dreams, even though he does not share his wife’s beliefs. She has completely accepted who he is, without trying to change his mind or convert him. While both of them probably think that they are right in their personal beliefs, they maintain their own beliefs while still being kind and supportive of each other. When she went through an LDS temple to perform sacred rituals, he waited outside with flowers, embraced her and told her he was proud of her. It isn’t easy to allow space for difference or disagreement, but it is possible. When you feel lonely because of opposing views or ideas ask yourself, “What matters more to me? This person and our relationship, or being right?”
It’s Normal
According to Dr. Epistein, the feeling of separateness is inescapable, but it doesn’t have to be painful (Epistein, 2005). Because we are all individuals there is the potential for loneliness in every relationship.Remember, we’re not meant to feel good all the time. We’re meant to experience both joy and sadness. Take comfort in knowing that everyone feels alone at times, both in and out of relationships. The chances that others are feeling lonely are high. Know that loneliness is part of the shared human experience and there are likely people in your life with whom you can relate and turn to for comfort.
Practice identifying what emotions you’re experiencing without assigning them meaning. Honor that the emotions are there and deserve to be felt, but refrain from personalizing them. Share these feelings with your partner and practice holding the space for each other.
Hixson, J.G. & Swann, W. (1993). When does introspection bear fruit? Self-reflection, self-insight, and interpersonal choices. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 35-43.
Kross, E., Ayduk, A., & Mischel, W. (2005). When asking why does not hurt distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions. Psychological Science, 16, 709-715.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
In my article last month I talked about how the Rising Strong process can be beneficial for navigating marital conflict. Today we are going to explore common roadblocks to reckoning with emotions.
To reckon is “to narrate or to make an account.” We need to be able to talk about our feelings. That requires acknowledging them. This is typically more difficult for men, but it is by no means reserved for one gender. All of us can resort to poor coping when dealing with difficult emotions. But with the Rising Strong Process, if we deny our stories and our feelings, “they don’t go away; instead, they own us, and they define us.” (Brown, 2015) If we continue to deny the story, we cannot defy the ending.
How it affects marriage
The way most people respond to difficult emotions is to avoid them. Some offload, turning “I failed” into “I am a failure,” causing them to feel shame and disengage further. Others steamroll, choosing to be upset with their spouse, rather than owning a mistake that caused hurt or embarrassment. Silence, brooding and resentment, is an effort to escape criticism and can become withdrawal, both emotional and physical. Withdrawal can quickly turn into stonewalling — one of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of Divorce. Rather than engage in the difficult emotions, we disengage, leave the room, and refuse to deal with it. This is a more common reaction for men (Gottman, 1999).
It can be easy to assume that when a spouse disengages or withdraws from you it’s because they do not care. But in reality, it is often a cue that they are unable to reckon with their emotions.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Emotional Curiosity
The first part of reckoning is acknowledgment. The second is curiosity. Curiosity can be the most difficult part. “Curiosity is the feeling of deprivation we experience when we identify and focus on a gap in our knowledge (Brown, 2015).” It can help us to connect two separate experiences or ideas. But the important part is to realize that, “we have to have some level of knowledge or awareness before we can get curious.”
In my opinion, this can be one of the largest stumbling blocks for engaging in the reckoning. Many of us were taught to not place value in emotions, only logic. We were told emotions or crying are signs of weakness. Or we were never taught to deal with or even talk about our emotions, much less connect how they affect thoughts and behaviors. These are all keys to emotional curiosity. (Brown, 2015)
Fear is the number one reason we do not act. Feeling emotions can be uncomfortable or awkward. We worry what others will think. Vulnerability is new and uncertainty is scary. We don’t know what we might find if we dive deeper. So “we self-protect—choosing certainty over curiosity, armor over vulnerability, and knowing over learning.” (Brown, 2015) Instead of facing the emotion, we off-load.
Common ways we off-load emotions:
Avoidance: A new study worries that the popular “trigger warning” on college campuses actually fosters a culture of avoidance (Flaherty, 2019), communicates to students that they are fragile and unable to cope (Sanson, 2019) and that we can actually increase our suffering by avoiding it. (Platek, 2018)
Not acknowledging vulnerability: Studies have shown that our ability to recognize a vulnerability to a diagnosis, or acceptance of one, greatly increases our chances of adhering to a positive health regime. (Aiken, et al., 2012)
Teapot emotions: We stuff them down, and one day they reach a boiling point and everyone knows it (Brown, 2015).
Stockpiling hurt: We force it down so much that it begins to affect our bodies. Sleep issues, anxiety, or depression can be the first symptoms of emotions manifesting in the body (van der Kolk, 2015)
The fear of high-centering: You recognize the emotions but don’t walk into them for fear of it dislodging something and affecting you in a way you don’t like.
Anger: Road rage and sports are socially acceptable ways to deal with pain, especially for men.
Bouncing hurt: “Whatever, I don’t care.” It’s easier to bounce it off ourselves. We become stoic or deflect with humor and cynicism (Brown, 2015).
Numbing hurt: Rather than lean into pain, we numb with alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, planning, perfectionism, food, Netflix, or even staying busy. We hide the hurt so that our feelings can’t catch up with us. This can numb the good in the process (Brown, 2015).
Photo by the hk photo company on Unsplash
Miriam Greenspan, Psychotherapist, and author of Healing through Dark Emotions, addresses a societal issue:
“Despite our fear, [we want] to feel these emotional energies, because they are the juice of life. When we suppress or diminish our emotions, we feel deprived. So we watch horror movies, and so-called reality shows like Fear Factor. We seek out emotional intensity vicariously, because when we are emotionally numb, we need a great deal of stimulation to feel something, anything. So emotional pornography provides the stimulation, but it only ersatz emotion—it doesn’t teach us anything about ourselves or the world.” (Brown, 2015)
She explains the positive benefits of all emotions:
“People don’t mind feeling joy and happiness. The dark emotions are much harder. Fear, grief, and despair are uncomfortable and are seen as signs of personal failure. In our culture, we call them “negative” and think of them as “bad.” I prefer to call these emotions “dark,” because I like the image of a rich, fertile, dark soil from which something unexpected can bloom. Also we keep them “in the dark” and tend not to speak about them. We privatize them and don’t see the ways in which they are connected to the world. But the dark emotions are inevitable. They are part of the universal human experience and are certainly worthy of our attention. They bring us important information about ourselves and the world and can be vehicles of profound transformation.” (Platek, 2018)
One of the biggest reasons that uncertainty in emotion is so hard is because it often means we have to change. Something in our life or in our relationship needs shifting and transforming. This is a big part of the Rising Strong process — change coming as a result of something difficult or uncomfortable. And that is often the hardest part. Sitting in our emotions can be hard, but moving past them to be better is very difficult, too.
For more strategies from Miriam Greenspan for working through emotions, see the full article here. This recent HHP article has similar sentiments. This is also a great one about emotional range.
Photo by John Schnobrich on Unsplash
So, what’s next?
Vulnerability in marriage creates opportunity for bonding, but it can also create hurt. It takes courage. When we can create a safe place for our spouse to bloom from those dark emotions, we can transform our marriages.
We just need to change the way we deal with them.
In the same way we need to own our stories while in conflict as I addressed in my first article, we need to give ourselves and our spouses space for the difficult emotions as we experience the reckoning. If your spouse is dealing with deep emotions, take a step back and realize that shame can change people’s actions, and that it is their story, not yours.
We naturally want to connect with others, but “when we feel shame … we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors, to attack or humiliate others.” (Brown, 2007)
While feeling shame, we are actually desperate for belonging. That is exactly the time that you need to show your spouse you still love them, that you are staying put and you are strong enough to deal with their dark emotions. The antidotes to shame are compassion and connection. (Brown, 2007)
Be patient. Express love, encourage and appreciate them. The key is to create a safe space where they are allowed to explore those feelings without fear. Give them space if needed. Empathy is also crucial. I will be exploring empathy more in my final article.
There are some great resources available to help.
See this emotion wheel for ideas of more emotive words.
See this video about Permission slips, a strategy to allow emotions in.
Learn about tactile breathing, a method soldiers use in tense situations to calm and center themselves (Brown, 2015).
Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash
Conclusion
The Reckoning can often be the hardest part of the Rising Strong Process. Leaning into emotions is far more difficult than avoiding them. Brené uses the term reckoning for this process because “in navigation, the term reckoning, as in dead reckoning, is the process of calculating where you are. To do that, you have to know where you’ve been and what factors influenced how you got to where you are now. Without reckoning, you can’t chart a future course.” (Brown, 2015)
Just as Miriam Greenspan encourages, when we can deal with our dark emotions, suffering can lead to deeper connection, more compassion, and foster resilience and transformation (Platek, 2018). We can allow suffering to expand our minds to make room for rebirth. We can gain power because of emotions— to heal and to change our endings. We can be powerful and courageous— in our lives and in our marriages.
This week, consciously make time to practice identifying your own emotions. Set an alarm on your phone every day to remind you to pause, notice how you are feeling, and name the emotions you are experiencing.
References
Aiken, L. S., Gerend, M. A., Jackson, K. M., & Ranby, K. W. (2012). Subjective risk and health-protective behavior: Prevention and early detection. In A. Baum, T. A. Revenson, & J. Singer (Eds.), Handbook of health psychology (pp. 113-145). New York, NY, US: Psychology Press.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children.
Melissa has a passion for sharing her knowledge and experiences with other women, to empower them to be their best selves. She writes about faith, family, love and relationships with the occasional baking metaphor.
I looked at my husband and said, “I feel left out… I just want to feel included, like I belong.”
His face softened and his heart melted in front of me. I was finally saying something he understood. After more than an hour (yikes!) of hashing out a pretty nasty fight, I had clarity!
I had to really dive deep to find that root emotion. And it was hard to admit it once I realized it. Getting to that moment was hard. But I don’t think it should have been that hard…
I knew there was a better way, and I had an inkling it was about my emotions. After all, John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that “the more emotionally intelligent a couple—the better able they are to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage—the more likely they will indeed live happily ever after” (John Gottman, 1999, pp. 3-4).
Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash
Searching for More
To be emotionally intelligent we need to take responsibility for our emotions, recognize they are our own, and then have the courage to share them with others. We must also allow others to do the same. Being vulnerable is critical to understanding emotions but can be potentially heartbreaking. The Rising Strongprocess outlined in Brené Brown’s book of the same title is designed to help us navigate those vulnerable moments with resilience (Brown, 2015, pp. xiv, xvii).
The Rising Strong Process
The Reckoning: Walk into your story – recognize emotion, get curious
The Rumble: Own your story – challenge assumptions, make changes
The Revolution: Write a new ending (Brown, 2015, p. 37)
One major roadblock to this process can be fear, which causes us to disengage. For some, the roadblock of fear is too difficult to overcome. Some “don’t like how difficult emotions feel… [worry] about what people might think… [and] don’t know what to do with discomfort and vulnerability” (p. 50). This can especially be true for men. As this is an important topic, I will be covering it in a separate article next month.
The Stress Response
As I began to dive into the Rising Strong process, trying to identify emotions, all I felt was shame. For me, that was “the fear of disconnection” (Brown, 2007, p. 47).
Shame can be triggered by one of the twelve “shame categories—appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, sex, aging, religion, being stereotyped and labeled, and speaking out and surviving trauma” (p. 172).
Which basically covers the majority of marital conflict. Go figure.
Photo from pexels.com
When I feel shame, my heart races, my stomach tightens, and I tend to lash out. It affects my ability to think clearly and I feel very erratic—not my normal self.
Brené hypothesizes that when we “experience shame we are often thrown into crisis mode… that shame can be so threatening… [it] can signal our brains to go into our very primal, ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode” (Brown, 2007, p. 28). A recent study on the effects of shame on the brain states, “When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it was facing physical danger and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze response.” (Davis, 2019)
Was I really behaving like I was being attacked by a lion?! Surely that can’t be right…
But the more I learned about these three different stress responses, the more I could see how my reaction was hindering progress in our marriage. I also realized that my husband and I have different stress responses.
See this great video for more details about the Fight, Flight, Freeze Stress Response.
The Reckoning
Before my light bulb moment, I had walked into an argument with my husband, upset about something he had done. I spent an hour asking him why he had done it, trying to change him. Because my stress reaction is “fight,” I was determined to hash it out until we fixed it. This also means I was too caught up to look inward at myself. At a certain point, he clammed up and went right into the “freeze” stress response because he felt emotionally threatened. It wasn’t until then that I was able to look at myself, and, rather than blame him, actually realize how Ifelt about what had happened.
This is “The Reckoning.” I needed to reflect on how I was feeling, apart from my spouse. I needed to take responsibility for my emotions and subsequent actions. Choosing to reflect apart from my spouse helps me to think clearly without stress or pressure. Be sure you are clear if you choose to take time to think or you will risk the other person assuming you are in a “flight” stress response. Simply saying, “I am feeling a big emotion and I need to sort through it on my own,” or “I know this is an important topic, but I need some time to process first” can be very helpful signals.
The second part of the reckoning is to be curious. I had to begin to ask why I was feeling that way. I had my light bulb moment when I began to question why I was feeling disconnected. When we are curious, we surrender to uncertainty (Brown, Rising Strong, p. 52). This can mean having the courage to say “I don’t know” or even scarier, to deal with deep hurt or darkness. Wanting to dive into this line of questioning can be intimidating, but it is crucial to the reckoning. (pp. 53, 67)
Being curious enough to ask why is “The Reckoning.” Finding the answer to the why is “The Rumble.”
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The Rumble
1. Be honest about the stories you are telling yourself.
Own your feeling: I feel disconnected.
What is the story you are telling yourself? The story I am telling myself is that if you didn’t include me, you don’t love me.
2. Challenge those assumptions to determine what the truth is and what needs to change.
Ask questions like:
Is this really true?
Do I need more information?
What assumptions am I making?
Do I know enough about the other parties?
What emotion or experience is underneath my response?
What part did I play?
These questions should be personal, embracing awareness and growth (Brown, Rising Strong, 2015, p. 88).
This has been one of the hardest steps for me as these questions can be difficult to answer. Sometimes it takes me minutes, other times weeks, to find the truth beyond my assumptions. The more I practice questioning, the better I get at it. I can even avoid potential misunderstandings by first asking questions. The next step may be to say to your spouse, “This is what I am telling myself. Help me see the truth.”
Photo from pexels.com
The Revolution
Searching for truth without stress was the key. As it turned out, my feelings of disconnection stemmed from a negative teenage memory. And my husband was not intentionally trying to leave me out. I was six months pregnant, tired, and going to bed at 8pm, and he was doing fun things on his own while allowing me to sleep.
Knowing the real story helped us to move forward.
The Rising Strong Process also yielded additional insights. For example, we recognized a greater need for spending more time together. We began writing the next part of our story together. “The Revolution” allows our knowledge to change the way we love one another.
When we see our spouse more fully, we can love them better.
Conclusion
When we continue to believe the “story we are telling ourselves” rather than dive deeper to find the real story, we risk remaining in the same conflict or perhaps only addressing surface-level problems.
There will always be marital conflict, but when we learn to question our own feelings in an emotionally intelligent way, we can build resilience. We can begin to rewrite our marital stories.
So the next time you feel your teeth clench or your heart pound, see it for what it truly is: your body and mind sensing emotional danger. Start by looking inward. Find the trigger. Acknowledge your deepest fears and insecurities. Then, challenge your assumptions. Embrace the real story, and find the courage to act.
You never know how sharing your innermost feelings could strengthen your marriage.
Click here to read parts two and three of The Reckoning and The Rumble series!
Spend some time this week practicing reflecting on how you are feeling, and being curious about why you are feeling those feelings. Be sure to do so OUTSIDE of a conflict.
References
Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t). New York: Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. New York: Random House.
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children.
Melissa has a passion for sharing her knowledge and experiences with other women, to empower them to be their best selves. She writes about faith, family, love and relationships with the occasional baking metaphor.
Wedding night jitters are a REAL THING — especially if you are a virgin. I grew up in a very conservative and highly religious community where most parents encourage their children to wait until marriage to have sex. This is something that I am proud of and very grateful for, since waiting until marriage was exactly the right choice for my husband and I (there are lots of emotional, mental, and physical benefits to waiting for sex) (Abbott, White, & Felix, 2010). However, when parents are concerned about their children waiting to start having sex until they are married, they often unintentionally (or intentionally) create a lot of unnecessary fear and worry in their children about the subject (Brotherson, 2015). I was lucky enough to have parents and teachers who were helpful at educating me about sex in a healthy way, but I know that is not the case for everyone (click here for information on how to have healthy conversations with your kids about sex). In this post, I intend to hopefully take away some of the nerves you may be feeling about your wedding night and empower you to have a wonderful, joyful, and unifying experience with your spouse when you make love for the first time.
Warning: This post will most definitely contain words that might make some people a little uncomfortable. I get pretty candid here, but I promise to avoid being explicit. Just be prepared for some good, honest talk about sex.
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
– Before –
Do Your Research!
Something that can really help when it comes to preparing for your wedding night is doing a little research beforehand. Having regular exams with your doctor can help you be physically ready and identify any potential problems you may encounter (Note: It’s a great idea to get these exams yearly. You do NOT have to be getting married to have a physical with your doctor). Talk with your fiancé and doctor about your expectations about family planning, and make sure you have everything you need if birth control is in your plan (be aware that some methods can take some time before they start working). Books and classes can also be a great resource to help you learn more about how to prepare for sex. If you are in school, check and see what marriage preparation or healthy sexuality classes they might have available. If you are finished with school, or if there aren’t any available at your school, check and see if the community offers any sort of classes or workshops for engaged couples. Online courses are also a great option.
There are all sorts of different books on sex and lovemaking, but here are a few that I have liked, and that have been recommended by marriage and sex therapists:
Sexual Wholeness in Marriage: An LDS Perspective on Integrating Sexuality and Spirituality in our Marriages by Dean Busby PhD, Jason Carroll PhD, and Chelom Leavitt JD MS
Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman
You, Me, and We: A Practical Guide to Marital Intimacy by Dr. Anthony Hughes PhD
A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds by Douglas Roseneau
What Your Parents Didn’t Tell You about Sex: An LDS Guide to Sexual Intimacy by Dr. Anthony Hughes PhD
The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye
And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment by Laura M. Brotherson CFLE
Photo by Seven Shooter on Unsplash
It may be a good idea to read books (especially very descriptive ones) separately before your married, since reading about sex can really turn you on. If this happens to you, just be aware that it’s normal, and it’s good! You want to be excited about being with your spouse! Just be aware of how sexual materials affect you, and make choices that will help you reach your personal and couple sexual goals.
Note: Not all of the information in each of these books may be applicable to you. Take what you need, and run with that.
Talk About Expectations
Expectations can make or break a relationship, and they are particularly important when it comes to having a successful wedding night. Before the day of your wedding (I would recommend the day before, but talk about what will work best for you as a couple), it is a REALLY good idea to talk with your fiancé about how you would like your first night of wedded bliss to go. Talk about timing, what to wear, foreplay, how you would like intercourse to play out, whether or not you would even like to try having intercourse the first night, etc. It sounds counter-intuitive, since Hollywood has really made it look like spontaneity makes for the best sex, but talking about it beforehand can help to get rid of any of the fears or worries that you are both having, and it can help you to work together as a couple to meet each other’s expectations.
Photo by Sorin Sirbu on Unsplash
Remember There’s a lot more to be Excited About
Despite all of the hype, keep in mind that sex isn’t the only thing to look forward to in marriage! Take some of the pressure off yourself and your partner by focusing on some of the other benefits of tying the knot. Keep dating, keep getting to know each other and having fun together, keep building trust, and keep strengthening your partnership as a couple (remember that great sex isn’t the only thing that makes a great marriage!).
– The Night Of –
Take Your Time
Once you get to the hotel, don’t feel like you have to rush right into things. It’s okay to take some time to get comfortable with the fact that you can do more than just kiss each other. Be open about the expectations that you discussed, and be willing to be flexible with them as feelings or desires may have changed now that the moment is actually here. Foreplay (such as undressing each other, taking a shower together, giving each other a massage, etc.) can be really helpful in helping you both relax and get into the mood. Remember that most women take at least 4x as long as men to get warmed up and ready to go (Busby, Carroll, & Leavitt, 2013)! Because of this, it can be a good idea for the woman to dictate timing — especially since intercourse can be a little painful the first time** (don’t let this scare you! Getting to know your body and talking with a doctor can help you determine what you can personally do to help your body prepare so that pain is minimal. One of them is using lots of lubrication). Also, do not get discouraged if ejaculation happens before you can get to intercourse. That is pretty common, particularly for virgins. Wait a little bit, keep enjoying each other, and try again later, if you like.
You should also realize that although orgasm is most often associated with penetration, it’s actually clitoral stimulation, not penetration, that leads to orgasm for most women (Nagoski, 2021). This is a biological sexual difference that can help husbands and wives attend to one another and practice selflessness and mindfulness in lovemaking. Take the time to discover one another’s preferences, and be patient as you try different things and learn what works best for the both of you.
** Although there may be a small amount of pain the first time penetration occurs, please be aware that sex is not meant to be a painful experience! If the pain persists, and you find that you cannot relax and enjoy intercourse, consider consulting with your OBGYN.
It’s Messy
This is the part of sex that the movies never tell you about. There is often a little bit of blood after first-time intercourse. Semen is also gloopy and dries sticky and, depending on what birth control you are using, it can make a bit of a mess. Be sure to lay out a towel if you want to be able to sleep in your wedding bed sheets. Packing some disposable wipes in your honeymoon luggage is a good idea. It is also a good idea for women to go to the bathroom and urinate after intercourse to help with cleanliness and prevention of urinary tract infections, and to help keep things clean. But don’t feel like you have to do this immediately. Feel free to cuddle first!
Photo from pexels.com
Also be aware that you or your partner might make weird noises while you’re having sex. Releasing your inhibitions and completely relaxing together may bring on sounds that you didn’t know you could make. This is totally normal, and is all part of the fun. Don’t worry too much about making a silly noise, and if a noise that your partner is making turns you off, or makes you feel uncomfortable, find an appropriate time to kindly talk with them about it (just like you would with any other aspect of your relationship).
It Doesn’t Have To Be Perfect
The goal of your first time is not to end with both of you in simultaneous orgasm. The goal is to express your love for one another, be open with each other, and to explore each other. Don’t feel like your first time having sex together has to be perfect in order for it to be a wonderful and valid experience. Your first time does not determine the health of your future sex life. Be open to helping each other, feeling a little bit vulnerable, and maybe even giggling together as you try something totally new for the both of you. And remember — practice makes perfect!
– After –
Sex is an Ongoing Conversation
The key to having a great sex life is not hot young bods, spontaneity, or forbidden romance — the key is communication and continuing to get to know each other over time (Busby, Carroll, & Leavitt, 2013; Gottman, & Gottman, 2016; Leman, 2008). This is true from your first time making love, all the way through to the end of your life! Don’t ever stop talking with your spouse about your sexual needs and desires. Keep up an honest and open ongoing conversation about what you like or don’t like, how often you’d like to have sex, things you might like to try, whether or not your needs are being met, etc. These needs change over time, and expecting your spouse to read your mind (even after years of being together) is not realistic. Keeping the conversation going will help keep both your emotional and your sexual relationship strong, and will help you to continue to keep the spark alive throughout your marriage.
If you aren’t yet married: Write down hopes and expectations that you have for your wedding night. How would you like things to go?
If you are married: Put into practice the principle that sex is an ongoing conversation. Have fun practicing making love with your spouse, and then talk about it! 🙂
References
Abbott, D., White, J., & Felix, D. (2010). NOT READY FOR SEX: An Endorsement for Adolescent Sexual Abstinence. International Journal of Sociology of the Family,36(2), 159-179. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/23028827
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). The man’s guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the “love lab” about what women really want. New York City, NY: Rodale Books.
Leman, K. (2008). Sheet music: Uncovering the secrets of sexual intimacy in marriage. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House.
Nagoski, E. (2021). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Sandfort, T. G., Orr, M., Hirsch, J. S., & Santelli, J. (2008). Long-term health correlates of timing of sexual debut: results from a national US study. American journal of public health, 98(1), 155–161. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2006.097444
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
As young couples, we are often pressed to begin planning for financial stability in retirement as soon as possible. Couples sit down and discuss whether or not they want to use Traditional or Roth IRA’s, to participate in a 401k, or to invest in real estate or stocks. They decide together how much they want to contribute to their plan each month or year, and they regularly revisit the topic to make sure they are on track for meeting their financial needs in retirement.
But most couples are not taught about the effect of retirement on marital satisfaction, or how to plan ahead for maintaining marital stability through the transition into retirement. For the majority of couples, marital satisfaction tends to decrease temporarily for up to 3 years after retirement, but retirement’s impact on marital satisfaction is more about the process of retirement than just simply being retired (Moen, Kim, & Hofmeister, 2001). When couples are preparing for marriage or having a baby, there is an understanding that it is going to take time to transition into new roles, schedules, and priorities. The same goes for retirement; it is a life event that will re-define and impact a relationship in many ways. If couples keep this in mind as they plan for retirement, they will be better prepared to handle both the expected and unexpected changes that will come. They may also find greater patience for themselves and their spouse and can have a positive outlook as they go through this tough transition together (Higginbottom, Barling, & Kelloway, 1993).
Achieving marital satisfaction post-retirement
Many articles online or in magazines give couples advice for relighting the spark in their marriage during retirement. Tips such as going on dates, asking get-to-know-you questions, and trying new things together are common. Yet few of those tips seem to be supported by research. Instead, the majority of research about having high marital satisfaction during retirement involves things that need to occur or are already a pattern before retirement. Here are five main conversations and patterns couples can develop early on to prepare for a satisfying marriage in retirement:
1. Create a definition of retirement that works for your marriage.
The word retirement often brings to mind images of golf courses, summer homes, traveling, bucket lists, and most importantly, the lack of work. But careers are getting shorter and the ability to save enough money for retirement is getting harder. Researchers are finding that retirement is starting to look different for everyone and can include starting second or even third careers, working part-time or full-time, volunteering, etc. (Moen, Kim, & Hofmeister, 2001). Being open to employment during retirement and other regular activities that create demand for each partner’s time and talents can help individuals and couples maintain a sense of purpose that is sometimes lost with the “I finally get to do whatever I want” mentality of the traditional definition of retirement. A new definition of retirement may also help couples decide to “retire” at the same time. Some research indicates that while couples who only have one retired spouse experience the lowest marital satisfaction during the retirement transition, while couples who retire at the same time have the highest marital satisfaction (Lang, 2001). Perhaps both partners will want to start new careers, or one will start a new career while the other works part-time and puts energy into an old or new hobby that they previously didn’t have time for. Whatever definition you decide on together, find a way to make room for each partner’s personal post-retirement desires and be supportive of each other.
Photo from pexels.com
2. Talk about how each spouse expects roles to change or stay the same during retirement.
Even when retirement still involves employment, schedules may change and spouses may find that they are more available in helping out with their partner’s responsibilities. In particular, many husbands who retire begin to participate more in household labor. While some research shows that wives are grateful for the help, other research has found that wives may feel as though their territory and routines are being invaded (Trudel, Villeneuve, Anderson, & Pilon, 2008). After years of maintaining a status quo, it can be difficult to change who does what and how they do it. Household labor division is an especially challenging topic, but if couples sit down and talk about their expectations for post-retirement roles and responsibilities, the transition through these changes may be significantly easier (Kulik, 2001).
3. Work together to maintain a social network of friends.
While maintaining close friendships is important for both spouses, husbands will particularly benefit from having a social network apart from their spouse (Han, Kim, & Burr, 2019). Wives can help encourage husbands to go out with friends and be supportive of spending some time apart from each other. Couples can also make it a joint priority to build friendships with other couples and socialize in groups regularly. Having a social network that extends beyond the marriage is important for individual mental health and for positive interactions between spouses. Making time for friends needs to be a priority early on in and throughout a marriage, otherwise, couples may make it to retirement and realize they have no social network. It is easier to maintain a social network or be in the habit of socializing than it is to start building one from scratch at an older age.
4. Pay attention to shared and solitary activities that bring joy and excitement into your lives.
People often have some go-to activities that bring happiness and possibly even respite from the daily grind of life. Some of these activities may require solo participation while others are best done with a spouse, a close friend, or a group of friends. Making a conscious effort to identify how these different activities impact the individual and the couple, and continuing to prioritize a variety of activities (shared and solitary) throughout early marriage and the retirement process is important for relationship success (Fitzpatrick, & Vinick, 2003).
Photo from pexels.com
5. Strive for high marital satisfaction throughout your marriage.
The number one finding that nearly every study I read had in common was that marital satisfaction after retirement almost directly mirrors marital satisfaction before retirement. Couples who have high marital satisfaction before retirement will continue to be highly satisfied with their marriage, while those who have low marital satisfaction will continue to be unsatisfied with their marriage (Fitzpatrick, & Vinick, 2003). This is where those tips on dating and getting to know each other come in handy. Positive and healthy marriage patterns need to start early in marriage and be maintained in order for them to matter during retirement.
Financial planning and preparing for retirement is expected to begin decades before retirement actually happens, and it should be the same for having a healthy and happy marriage in retirement. Couples can start actively planning early on for how they want their marriage to look post-retirement, and what kind of retirement experience they want to have together. Most importantly, couples should commit to having that type of marriage and experience now.
If you were retiring today, what would your ideal retirement look like? Are you completely retired from employment, or do you want to try a new line of work? Are you volunteering in your own community, or traveling? Do you want to pick up a new hobby, or devote your time to a long-loved talent? Write it down. Now write out 2-3 alternate situations that look different from your ideal and consider how could find satisfaction if your retirement looked more like one of these alternatives. Discuss what you have written down with your partner.
References
Fitzpatrick, T. R., & Vinick, B. (2003). The impact of husbands’ retirement on wives’ marital quality. Journal of Family Social Work, 7(1). 83-100. doi: 10.1300/J039v07n01_06
Han, H. S., Kim, K., & Burr, J. A. (2019). Friendship and depression among couples in later life: The moderating effects of marital quality. Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences, 74(2). 222-231. doi: 10.1093/geronb/gbx046
Higginbottom, S. F., Barling, J., & Kelloway, K. E. (1993). Linking retirement experiences and marital satisfaction: A mediational model. Psychology and Aging, 8(4). 508-516.
Kulik, L. (2001). The impact of men’s and women’s retirement on marital relations: A comparative analysis. Journal of Women and Aging, 13(2). 21-37. doi: 10.1300/J074v13n02_03
Lang, S. (2001). How retirement affects marriages. Human Ecology. 24.
Moen, P., Kim, J. E., & Hofmeister, H. (2001). Couples’ work/retirement transitions, gender, and marital quality. Social Psychology Quarterly, 64(1). 55-71. doi: 128.187.116.8
Trudel, G., Villeneuve, V., Anderson, A., & Pilon, G. (2008). Sexual and marital aspects of old age: An update. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 23(2). 161-169. doi: 10.1080/14681990801955666
Sammi Trujillo is nearing the completion of her Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University. She has been married for over seven years and is the mother of two young children. Sammi loves teaching about strong marriages, healthy sexuality, and positive pregnancy and birth. Her passion for writing began in junior high and includes both public scholar writing and creative writing. She is currently working on her first novel and works as a public scholar writer for BYU.
Practice identifying what emotions you’re experiencing without assigning them meaning. Honor that the emotions are there and deserve to be felt, but refrain from personalizing them. Share these feelings with your partner and practice holding the space for each other. 
Sammi Trujillo is nearing the completion of her Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University. She has been married for over seven years and is the mother of two young children. Sammi loves teaching about strong marriages, healthy sexuality, and positive pregnancy and birth. Her passion for writing began in junior high and includes both public scholar writing and creative writing. She is currently working on her first novel and works as a public scholar writer for BYU.