Millennials are waiting longer to get married than any other previous generation in history. Why? The answer might surprise you.
On average, Americans are marrying for the first time at age 27 for women and 29 for men. Research suggests there are many reasons for this prolongment, even without taking individual circumstances into consideration. These include: cohabitation as an acceptable societal norm, priority to education and career development, and an emphasis on experiences and self-discovery. But what is keeping millennials from marriage, even more than all of these, is paralyzing fear.
Though marriage seems to be on the back burner, millennials report that marriage is still highly important to them. In fact, young adults regard marriage as so important that the significance of it is what has them paralyzed.
“It’s the most important decision I’ll ever make! I need to be sure I’m with the right person.”
“There are so many things I still want to do before I settle down.”
“What’s the hurry? I have my whole life to be married!”
Sound familiar? As a millennial myself, I hear these phrases often. Can you hear the undertone of fear in these phrases?
“It’s the most important decision I’ll ever make! I need to be sure I’m with the right person.”
Fear of marrying the “wrong” person
“There are so many things I still want to do before I settle down.”
Fear of missing out (FOMO- an acronym coined by Millenials)
“What’s the hurry? I have my whole life to be married!”
Fear of rushing into commitment
The debilitating fear surrounding marriage is understandable. Each of the above phrases highlights a valid reality for the millennial generation. Addressing these fears can help eliminate them and perhaps solve this generational crisis of putting off what we desire most.
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Fear of Marrying the “Wrong” Person
The longer millennials remain single, the more they place marriage on a pedestal, complete with unrealistic expectations and a highly romanticized view of the union. Dr. Spencer James, a researcher in family studies noted, “Many [millennials] believe in a marriage relationship that doesn’t exist and may or may not ever come along.” He continues, “They’re [millennials] delaying it because it’s so important. A stable and healthy marriage feels like the Holy Grail to many.” Fear of making the wrong choice and marrying someone who is not your “perfect match” or “soul mate,” leaves many young adults dissatisfied, lonely and holding out longer and longer for companionship.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
The fear of missing out is rooted in the fact that millennials seem to be trapped between adolescence and adulthood, wanting all the perks of adulthood but the limited responsibilities of adolescence. Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett has coined this dilemma as emerging adulthood. He describes emerging adulthood as a distinct period of identity exploration, a focus on self and excitement for endless possibilities. While previous generations were settling down into home and family responsibilities, millennials are focusing on more individual pursuits such as travel, career, and education. The fear is that these family and individual pursuits are mutually exclusive and cannot go hand in hand.
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Fear of Rushing into Commitment
Marriage is a significant, lifelong commitment and highly valued among millennials. As such, the fear of rushing into this commitment only to fail discourages many millennials from finally tying the knot. With divorce rates at an all-time high, one doesn’t have to look very far to find a failed marriage. Perhaps you yourself were raised in a home affected by divorce. Happy marriages seem unlikely and there seem to be fewer and fewer happy couples to revere. With few positive examples to look to, fear is certain.
Here at the Healthy Humans Project, we believe that while these fears are valid, they are not insurmountable and that happy marriages are possible. We’re here to address these fears and encourage our generation to take the risk of marriage and enjoy the many rewards it has to offer.
What are your fears about marriage? Identify and share them with someone you trust.
Terms:
Emerging adulthood: a distinct period of time between adolescence and adulthood for persons between 18 to 25 years of age
FOMO: Fear of Missing Out (on experiences and opportunities)
Millenial: persons born between the years 1981 and 1996 (those currently 23 to 38 years of age)
References
Carlson, D. L. (2012). Deviations from desired age at marriage: Mental health differences across marital status. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(4), 743–758. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.00995.x
Kuperberg, A. (2014). Age at coresidence, premarital cohabitation, and marriage dissolution: 1985–2009. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(2), 352–369. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jomf.12092
Lissitsa, S. (2019). Perceived optimal marriage age in the Internet era—Findings of a nationwide survey. Marriage & Family Review, 55(2), 126–151. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01494929.2018.1458005
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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Researchers John and Julie Gottman have observed thousands of couples in order to try and get down to the bottom of what makes a successful and long-lasting couple relationship. Through these observations, they have found that “happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions” (Lisitsa, 2018). He calls this act of turning towards your partner, making an “emotional bid”, or in other words, making an effort to connect with your partner in some way. Making and responding positively to these emotional bids increases commitment, connection, and trust in a relationship — essential components of relationships that last. In this post, I want to talk about a specific type of emotional bid that can automatically deepen your relationship with your significant other.
Help! (I Need Somebody…)
One emotional bid that we should frequently be making when it comes to our romantic partner is asking them for help. This can be help with daily tasks, emotional help, help in staying accountable for a goal we have, help looking for something we’ve lost, even help in the form of asking our partner to pray for us (something that research has shown is incredibly beneficial for relationships). No matter what it’s for, asking our partner for help when we need it turns us towards them, and gives them an opportunity to feel wanted and needed by us.
Photo by Alex Holyoake on Unsplash
Asking for help can be vulnerable. From infancy we are working towards becoming independent human beings that survive and function on our own. As we become more independent, asking for help can be viewed in our minds as weak, unnecessary, or even bothersome to those around us. The truth is, however, WE NEED EACH OTHER. We simply cannot function entirely on our own in life, and our partner is an excellent built-in resource for us to receive help of all kinds. Asking for help creates space for vulnerability and connection, which are both crucial elements of strong relationships. It fosters closeness, and allows the helper to increase in confidence, which makes them more likely to share thoughts and feelings with their partner. It also requires humility, which is a helpful and important trait in all relationships.
Equal Partnership
Not only can our partner give us help that we may desperately need, but the simple act of asking them for help also sets a precedent in the relationship for equal partnership. Healthy relationships involve give and take. Both asking for help and in turn helping your partner creates interdependence in your relationship, and teaches you that you can rely on each other. It helps you move forward as a couple, and both emotionally and physically support one another in your individual and couple goals.
Photo by Laura Margarita Cedeño Peralta on Unsplash
One reason that we may be reluctant to ask our partner for help is because of the false relationship belief that someone who knows us well should be able to read our mind and know when we need something from them. This may sound silly, but many of us have fallen prey to this false “romantic” notion! Unless you are married to a medium, your partner is not going to be able to read your mind, even after years and years together. This assumption is actually detrimental to relationships, as it sets up unrealistic expectations for our partner. Over time and the more you get to know each other, the better you may be able to read each other’s signals, but it is NEVER realistic to expect your significant other to read your mind and know exactly what you need. Asking for help can increase the likelihood that your needs will actually be met rather than be missed by your partner.
Remember…
It is important to realize that our partner will not be able to fill every single need that we have. That is why it is necessary for us to maintain the other relationship networks we have in our lives with family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. even after we find our “one-and-only”. However, work to recognize opportunities in your daily life where you might be able to ask your partner for help rather than turning towards someone else. This is something I have personally been working on in my relationship, since my dad has been my go-to fix-it-man for my entire life. If something is ever broken, I just ask my dad for help and he can usually fix it. I’ve realized, however, my natural tendency to just ask dad has occasionally deprived my husband of opportunities to learn how to fix something, or to even use the skills that he already has to help me. My husband is an incredibly capable individual, and asking him for help rather than using my dad as an automatic resource shows him that I trust in his abilities, and that I want and need him in my life.
Now, if you’re on the receiving end of this emotional bid, it’s up to you to TURN TOWARDS your partner, whether or not you can actually help them in that moment. Sometimes you aren’t able to help, and that is okay! But acknowledging your partner’s bid, and letting them know that you love them and care about them is essential.
This week, think of something you need help with, and ask your partner to be the one to help you with it!
References
Bella M. DePaulo & Jeffrey D. Fisher (1980) The Costs of Asking for Help, Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 1:1, 23-35, DOI: 10.1207/s15324834basp0101_3
Lambert, Nathaniel & Fincham, Frank & C. LaVallee, Dana & Brantley, Cicely. (2012). Praying Together and Staying Together: Couple Prayer and Trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality. 4. 1-9. 10.1037/a0023060.
Ogolsky, B. G., Monk, J. K., Rice, T. K. M., Theisen, J. C., & Maniotes, C. R. (2017). Relationship Maintenance: A Review of Research on Romantic Relationships. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(3), 275-306. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12205
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
The word brings incredibly deep despair, discouragement, pain and heartache. A diagnosis of infertility brings with it a drastic change in identity. Men and women’s identities are biologically, psychologically, socially, and often spiritually entwined in being able to create life. And while 85% of couples are able to get pregnant without extraordinary measures, often “accidentally”, the other 15% of couples are emotionally exhausted, stressed, and lonely.
I want you to understand the stress that your loved ones are facing. The sense of loss is great. The struggle is significant. And if you can understand, then you can really help. And we want you to understand and help.
How bad is the stress?
Turns out, that women undergoing infertility treatment exhibit the same stress levels that cancer patients do. And many cancer survivors who struggled with infertility after their cancer reported that their stress during infertility was higher than when they were undergoing cancer treatment. They reported feeling more isolated, having less support from loved ones, and reported a significant impact on their sense of individuality and identity (Gurevich, 2016). The likelihood of an infertile woman experiencing a severe depressive episode is estimated to be nearly four times higher than for fertile women (Domar, et al., 2005). Men are more likely to receive hurtful comments about their infertility than women are. Many men dealing with infertility experience stress, particularly if they withdraw, do not seek social support, and desire children comparable to the degree their female counterparts do. Men receive less support and are subject to more thoughtless commentary than women, especially in the workplace (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
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Infertility is a crisis, affecting not only physiology, but also finances and other resources, couple relationships, sexual functioning, social connections, immediate and long term goals and life plans, and family and social relationships (Rubin, 2001).
Finances
Finances are another obvious stressor. Most insurance companies do not cover infertility treatment because it is “elective”. Currently, 35 states do not require insurance companies to provide any kind of fertility coverage. The 15 states that do mandate insurance coverage vary in their requirements, and across the nation, very few companies cover more than testing for the diagnosis of infertility issues. The few companies that do cover IVF (in vitro fertilization) usually have a lifetime cap of $10,000-$25,000. When you consider that one cycle of IVF costs $12,000-$15,000, and that two-thirds of women don’t have a successful birth until after the 6th cycle, the numbers quickly become overwhelming. With these odds, a couple could easily pay $50,000 out of pocket, IF they live in one of 15 states covering IVF, with the very best case scenario of a $25,000 lifetime coverage plan And this doesn’t even include prenatal or postnatal care, by the way. This is just getting the bun in the oven.
Sex
Another contributing factor to infertility-related stress is the dramatic change in sex life. For most people, sex is a fun, and extremely meaningful part of a relationship that helps people connect and bond with one another. It is an expression of love, trust, and vulnerability. But when going through infertility, sex becomes a scheduled medical procedure based on body temperature and ovulation schedule, rather than intimacy and love (Rubin, 2001).
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Biological Factors and Medical Treatments
Do not even get me started on the hormone levels. That’s a whole other rabbit hole. Imagine your wife having those wild pregnancy hormones and crippling stress….but no baby. Nothing to show for it. Just persistent hormones and mood swings…and an empty uterus. Whether it’s a couple of simple medications, IUI, or IVF, infertility treatment is hard, and every failed attempt restarts the hope-despair cycle, contributing to the increase of severe depressive episodes experienced by those struggling with infertility.
Stigma and Hurtful (even if unintentional) Comments and Actions
Because infertility is not normative, those battling it often feel the need to make excuses or explain their conditions because of the way others treat them, as if the condition is somehow inappropriate or wrong. This helps to explain the social aspects, and not merely physical aspects of infertility, and how the stigmas surrounding it can socially and psychologically damage infertile couples further. Researchers have addressed the social psychology of infertility, explaining further that infertility is an unwanted social status, and therefore carries a stigma (Matthews & Matthews, 1986). Because of stigmas and fear of hurtful or unsupportive treatment, 15% of women and 19% of men do not tell their families when they are undergoing IVF treatment and 23% of couples have not told both sets of parents, only one. (Peters, et al., 2005). The trouble with this is that those who are generally expected and hoped to be closest to a couple are not part of their support system, making them more susceptible to mental illnesses like depression. And men are more likely to receive hurtful comments than women (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
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How to help
Increasing positive self-perception is a critical part of managing the negative impacts of infertility (Raque-Bogdan & Hoffman, 2010). Helping your loved ones to identify their positive qualities and working to refrain from insinuating that they are less of a person because of that infertility (it may sound obvious, but people make comments without meaning to more often than they even realize) is essential.
It is unlikely that people will ask, but when possible and appropriate, helping by contributing financially is incredibly helpful. At the beginning of the year, my husband and I were blessed tremendously. Generous friends sent us a check, which immediately went into an account my husband and I have just for infertility treatments. We certainly have a long way to go, but the amount of stress this relieved was indescribable, and our gratitude matched it.
Please do not attempt to help with the sex life portion of stress. Leave that one to us. Frequently men have suggested sex positions to my husband. Sex positions aiding in fertility are myths, and a couple’s sex life is their own. It is not a conversation for you to initiate.
Ask appropriate questions. Sometimes we need to talk about it. I know it can be awkward for you, but it means a lot when you say, “Hey, how are you doing with the infertility stuff?” And you can even say “stuff” if you don’t know what to say. And if we say, “okay” or “fine”, take it with a grain of salt. A coworker recently approached me and asked how my “infertility journey” was going. She didn’t give advice. She just listened and validated. We only spoke for about five minutes, but I cannot tell you how much that simple conversation meant. Please be mindful that your questions do not become intrusive: “When are you going to take on a more intense form of treatment?”, for example, is a deeply personal question.
We’re going to be okay. We know that. But for now, we press forward. We look for temporary distractions, many of us attend grief and/or marriage counseling, and central to our health is finding other parts of our identity, searching for meaning in other places. It is hard – some days it seems impossible – but we will be okay. And we greatly appreciate all the love, generosity, support and empathy you provide.
Check in with a friend or family member struggling with infertility. Take a moment to be a good friend: an active, empathetic listener.
References
DOMAR, A., PENZIAS, A., DUSEK, J., MAGNA, A., MERARIM, D., NIELSEN, B., & PAUL, D. (2005). The stress and distress of infertility: Does religion help women cope? Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause, 3(2), 45-51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sram.2005.09.007
Gurevich, R. (2016, August 2). What Infertility, Trauma, and Cancer Survivors Have in Common. Retrieved February 16, 2017, from https://www.verywell.com/how-infertility-Cancer-trauma-survivors-are-similar-1959993
Fisher, J. R., & Hammarberg, K. (2011). Psychological and social aspects of infertility in men: An overview of the evidence and implications for psychologically informed clinical care and future research. Asian Journal of Andrology, 14(1), 121-129. https://doi.org/10.1038/aja.2011.72
Matthews, A. M., & Matthews, R. (1986). Beyond the mechanics of infertility: Perspectives on the social psychology of infertility and involuntary childlessness. Family Relations, 35(4), 479. https://doi.org/10.2307/584507
Peters, C., Kantaris, X., Barnes, J., & Sutcliffe, A. (2005). Parental attitudes toward disclosure of the mode of conception to their child conceived by in vitro fertilization. Fertility and Sterility, 83(4), 914-919. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.fertnstert.2004.12.019
Raque-Bogdan, T. L., & Hoffman, M. (2010). Self-Perception, Hope and Well-Being in Women Experiencing Infertility. American Psychological Association 2010 Conference Presentation.
Rubin, H. D. (2001). The impact and meaning of childlessness: an interview study of childless women (Unpublished doctoral dissertation).
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Multiple people, married for a little over a year, come to me deeply concerned and say, “I am afraid that I don’t love my spouse as much as I did when I got married.” They are terrified that they are falling out of love and that their relationship may be headed for the rocks. Things aren’t bad, but they aren’t as great as they used to be either. The truth is, this process is completely normal, and if this is you, you haven’t fallen out of love. Welcome to the reality phase of marriage. Sometimes it can feel lonely and impossible, but hold on; you’ll get through this!
What is the Reality Phase?
Marriage has several stages, all completely normal. The honeymoon phase tends to last 12-18 months, and after the honeymoon phase, reality hits. When reality has set in, spouses may ask, “who did I marry?”, “did I make the right decision?”, or the dreaded, “what if I am falling out of love?” The answer is, you can’t fall out of love, because you can’t fall in love.
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So what is love?
You can’t fall in love because love is a process begat by decisive, intentional nurturing, time, and communication. You can fall in infatuation, however. Infatuation is the attraction, butterflies, and eagerness we feel at the beginning of new relationships. Infatuation is important; it helps us identify people we are attracted to and like so that we can make decisions to pursue relationships we are interested in. This helps us develop deep, lasting romantic relationships. Infatuation is important because it opens us up to romantic love, but it is temporary.
The early stages of love – the infatuation and honeymoon are presented to us by the same parts of the brain that give us cravings, obsessions, and motivation, while brain regions associated with decision-making and planning shut down (Fisher, 2016). Once the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain assisting in decision making, logic, and planning) gets involved in our relationships, reality sets in more and more.
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Love is not an emotion. Real, lasting love is a verb. But often we don’t think of it that way. We think of love as an emotion – something we feel for another person. If you keep thinking of it that way, remember that all emotions come and go. Happiness, fear, anger, sadness, and pleasure are all temporary. And if we define love as an emotion, that means that love is temporary too. There are times that we look at our spouse and feel connected and madly in love. And then there are times that we don’t feel that deep emotion. Because love is nurtured. It doesn’t exist randomly. We are responsible for creating our love lives – for creating a marriage that is the greatest love story of all time.
What’s next?
I want you to know that this is normal. The pain, the fear, the frustrations. It is all normal. I want you to know that you’re going to be okay. If you choose to, you will move through this, and on the other side, you will laugh at the experience. Celebrate, because as hard as this is, it means you are moving forward. You’ve hit the next phase of your relationship, and soon enough, you’ll reach the next one, cooperation.
How?
Reality is all about realizing and coming to terms with the faults of your partner, needing to accept feedback and accountability for your own flaws, and navigating how to make a relationship function practically. Once you are able to do this, you will be able to move on to the cooperation stage, which is all about working together and becoming a strong, organically functioning team. Here are a few things that will help you move from reality to cooperation more quickly and easily.
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1. Accept 10 flaws (or annoying idiosyncrasies) (Hill, 2013). I’m serious. 10. That sounds like a lot, but I am not talking about the really big things (addictions, abuse, fits of anger, overspending, victimizing, etc.). I mean accept the little things. So maybe he doesn’t load the dishwasher the way you would. You’re not a god. He loaded the dishwasher, express appreciation and be done with it. Maybe she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. So what? It’s toothpaste. You won’t die. Accept 10 of these trivial things. Because they are trivial. And if you can let them go, then you have much more time and energy to address the big things, as well as to celebrate the positive elements of your relationship.
2. Keep learning about each other. Though it may seem like it, you don’t know everything about each other. Ask questions, try new things, observe. This will help you to keep yourself partner-focused, identify new positive qualities, and appreciate new shared experiences. You have a lot to work through and are most likely to be successful in this endeavor when you “consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success (Anderson, 2018).”
3. Remember the Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. Relationships can thrive when 5 positive events and interactions exist for every 1 negative interaction (Gottman et al., 1998). These interactions can be simple, but they add up to develop meaningful experiences and beliefs, for positive or negative. Say “I love you”, “thank you”, “you’re so attractive”, “I love spending time with you”, etc. frequently. Kiss, hug, cuddle, massage, bring home little gifts, do little acts of service, frequently. This will help you continue to see value in your relationship and in each other while balancing and effectively addressing “the big stuff”.
4. Keep talking. In all relationships, communication is essential. Listening to your partner with the intent to understand is essential. I love this quote from Stephen R. Covey: “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart (Covey, 1989).”
1. Focus on at least two of the suggestions above.
2. Cut both you and your partner some slack this week.
Carrère, S., Buehlman, K. T., Gottman, J. M., Coan, J. A., & Ruckstuhl, L. (2000). Predicting marital stability and divorce in newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 42-58. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.42
Covey, Stephen R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Hill, E. J. (2012, August/September). Strengthening Marriage and Family: Proclamation Principles and Scholarship. Lecture presented in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
We all want to connect and show our significant others that we love them. However, because men are biologically, socially and sexually different than women (Hsu, 2012; Barlow, 1995; Fisher, 2002), sometimes it can be tricky for us to spot when our loved one is trying to show us love. Ultimately, in a marriage or serious relationship men and women have the same basic goal to connect, and understanding that men love differently than women is important to feeling, expressing, and receiving love. Often it seems that men are sincerely trying to be engaged, loving partners and women become frustrated with their efforts, misunderstanding what is actually being communicated. By discussing some of the different ways that men give and receive love, I’m hoping to help the ladies be more aware of the ways in which their man could be reaching out to them. We are far more alike than we are different, and we can work to learn how to recognize when our significant other is asking to connect with us.
The small things
One of the ways that men often show that they care is through small gestures such as buying lunch for his wife, doing the dishes, or getting up with the kids. Sometimes women misunderstand that when a man is doing these seemingly small things, that is his way of telling his wife, “I love and cherish you”. Understand that there are times that as men we need to spill our guts a little bit and open up emotionally, but it is hard for us to do this. Men have been enculturated by media, parenting, and other means to be taught that danger, callous acts, and aggression are masculine, and that emotional vulnerability is a sign of weakness. (Mosher & Tomkins, 1988). Sometimes a simple, “wow, you look amazing,” is all we have the emotional capacity to share. Other times we will open up and explain how our day went and how we are feeling. If you are craving those emotional attachments, take advantage of moments like these. Ask good questions, and validate the emotions we do express. When women shut down the emotions men do express, it is a form of rejection, and men will become more closed off and emotionally unavailable as a result. Often a man will say something along the lines of “nothing” or “I’m fine.” When this happens, don’t give up (but try not to be too pushy either). Try suggesting something to him such as going out to eat or even just going on a walk together. When you have him alone, just listen to him. There have been several times when I have been frustrated with something and my wife and I go on a walk, and incredibly I open up more than I ever intended.
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Physicality
Men are naturally physical creatures. As boys we push, punch, and wrestle each other. This is not us being mean, but rather how we connect with our peer group (Mosher & Tomkins, 1988). This need for physical connection and interaction doesn’t change when boys grow up to be men. The thing that absolutely changes is that men aren’t pushing and shoving their spouse. Instead, they might kiss their neck, give a bear hug, or want to make love. Men often need to connect physically before they are able to connect on a deep emotional level (Metz & McCarthy, 2007; Barlow, 1995). Furthermore, men and women perceive and interpret the same stimuli differently due to many cognitive and biological factors. What turns you on will most likely be different than what excites your spouse.
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Although preferences may vary, what it comes down to is that both men and women need and want intimacy. Men generally pursue emotional intimacy through sexual intimacy (being invited to engage sexually helps men feel more emotionally connected), and women pursue sexual intimacy through emotional intimacy (feeling wanted and emotionally safe helps women feel more open to engaging sexually). These are complementary, not oppositional (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). Understand too, that beyond sexual satisfaction, orgasm can produce feelings of joy and relaxation, fostering both physical and psychological health. Sexual intimacy between two committed partners contributes to fostering bonding, closeness, and attachment (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). I encourage you to be more intentional about the physical affection that you show your husband. And don’t feel like this just means that you have to have sex all the time. Even though sexual intimacy is very important, men need different forms of affection as well (Yes, I said men need affection! In fact, men need affection just as much as women do (Hsu, 2012). Little physical acts like kissing a man’s neck or rubbing his shoulders or feet are also great for helping him know that you love and appreciate him.
Side by Side
American men and women define emotional closeness differently, with women valuing intimacy as face to face communication, while men define emotional intimacy as doing something side by side (Fisher, et al., 2002). Last night I bought my wife a small bouquet of flowers I arranged myself, took her to a movie and back where we spent one of our first dates as an engaged couple. We then went home and made pizza, something we both love to do together. I could see in her eyes that she loved it and was very grateful. At the end of the date, I told my wife that she was amazing and that I felt happy when I was around her. That one simple phrase seemed to almost make more of a difference then what I had planned. I had spoken to the emotional side of her and connected to her and her emotional needs. In the same stroke, my wife really did love the date. It was my way of nonverbally saying that I love her and am happy when I am with her. Finding ways to connect while spending time doing something side by side helps foster connection, commitment, and affection, especially for men (Fisher, et al., 2002; Hsu, 2012).
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You love your big brute and he loves you. Understand that he might be expressing his emotions to you in ways you are missing. Find those little things that he is doing and try to see what he is really saying underneath it all. Show him affection and gratitude when he reaches out with those little acts of love. People respond better to positive reinforcement or praise as opposed to negativity. If you work on noticing and complimenting those acts of love, he will likely do those kind things more often because you are positively reinforcing him rather than rejecting his efforts as insufficient. Lastly, try to show him that you love him through his need for physicality. This doesn’t always have to mean sex (though that’s definitely a good option!). It can be as simple as kissing him on the neck or shoulder.
1. Find emotional or physical ways to address your partner’s specific needs.
2. Find an opportunity for you and your spouse to have a vulnerable, validating conversation one-on-one.
References
Barlow, B. A. (1995). Worth waiting for: Sexual abstinence before marriage. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2002). Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment. Archives of Sexual Behavior,31(5), 413-419.
Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “good-enough sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351-362. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990601013492
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford.
Mosher, D. L., & Tomkins, S. S. (1988). Scripting the macho man: Hypermasculine socialization and enculturation. Journal of Sex Research, 25(1), 60-84. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224498809551445
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
What are your fears about marriage? Identify and share them with someone you trust. 
