Power Couples

More Than 50/50 – Striving for Equal Partnership in Romantic Relationships

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Cover photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash

Written by Rian Gordon
You’ve most likely heard the idea that a marriage requires a 50/50 effort from each partner. In theory, two halves make a whole, and yet, healthy, happy, and strong relationships require more than each person committing a “one half” effort. Many people will say that instead of 50/50, partners should be giving 100/100. But what does that look like? And is it actually possible for partners to be giving 100% equal effort and to be equally all in all the time? 
The short answer is… not really. But striving for equal partnership is still an important part of building a healthy and happy marriage. Here are a few ways that you and your partner can work towards creating an equal partnership in your relationship:
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Don’t Keep Score

Can I let you in on a little secret? Creating equal partnership in your marriage isn’t actually about making everything exactly equal. In fact, trying to do so by keeping score for who does what, how often, how much, etc. can be really detrimental to your relationship (Benson, 2020)!
A healthier approach would be to talk together about your individual needs, and work together to make sure those needs are met. If you feel like the balance is unfair or isn’t working, talk about it! Each partner’s needs, level of effort, and capacity will fluctuate and change based on what is happening in your lives at the time. 
Photo by Vasyl Potochnyi from Pexels
For example, one partner may be less able to help with house work while they are working towards an advanced degree, or the other partner may help with the children in the evenings while the other takes some much needed time for self-care. Struggles with illness or mental health could also require one partner to step in and give more than their “fair share” for a time (I know that my husband has pulled WAY more than his weight when I’ve been struggling mentally or physically). 
What shouldn’t change (unless it’s increasing!) is your commitment to love, serve, and help one another. Take responsibility for your own efforts, and consistently work to lift each other and to show appreciation for each other’s contributions. 
Try this: Talk with your partner about your current needs and capacity to contribute to the relationship. Be open and honest with one another. Make a game plan for dividing responsibilities in a way that will enable you both to get what you need and to make sacrifices to serve each other. 

When it Comes to Roles, Find What Works for You

Over the centuries, society has accumulated plenty of expectations for the division of responsibilities and roles in our relationships. Historically, many of these expectations have been dictated by gender — something that has become less and less helpful as relationships and roles have continued to change and evolve. Getting stuck in these traditional boxes can leave both men and women feeling unfair and unhealthy amounts of pressure to provide, maintain the home, raise children, sacrifice identity, etc. (Ciciolla & Luthar, 2019; Goldberg & Perry-Jenkins, 2004; Hanks, 2015; Harryson, Novo, & Hammarström, 2010).
It is important for couples today to examine their own needs and the needs of their families, and to shape their division of roles and responsibilities based on those needs. Think outside the box, and don’t feel like you have to adhere to prescribed societal expectations! Consider your own individual strengths and weaknesses, and use the unique makeup of your partnership to help you find the best fit division of responsibility for your relationship. 
Photo by Anne Healey @annehealeyphoto
I would also recommend that you extend this same “outside the box” thinking to the sharing of emotional responsibilities. Traditionally, women have acted as the caretakers of the relationship, carrying the majority of the responsibility to maintain connection (Gaia, 2002). We desperately need more men who are willing to share in the responsibility of maintaining and fighting for emotional connection and intimacy in their relationships, and it is up to us to change societal patterns and expectations that make it difficult for them to do so. 
Try this: Think about how your parents divided up roles and responsibilities in their relationship. What do you think worked well for them? What would you like to imitate in your relationship? What would you like to do differently? Discuss together. 
Bonus Challenge: Work on being more conscious of the language you use surrounding roles and responsibility in your relationship. Check out this instagram post by Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks for some suggestions! 

Make Decisions Together

A crucial element of equal partnership involves both partners feeling like they have an equal amount of decision-making power for the relationship. When both partners know that their opinions, thoughts, and desires matter, it increases the amount of satisfaction in their relationship (Knudson-Martin, 2012; Willigen, & Drentea, 2001) .
Photo by Davids Kokainis on Unsplash
Making decisions together does not mean that you have to ask your partner permission before you make any and every decision. What it does mean is that you communicate and work together to make big decisions, like where you will live together or what job you will decide to take, as well as get on the same page about your core values that often determine your everyday decisions. How do you envision disciplining your children? When it comes to money, are you a spender or a saver? What religious or spiritual practices do you hope to participate in together? As you work to align your core values, it will be easier to move in tandem with the decisions that shape your relationship and your lives. 
Try this: Have a discussion about your core values and how you want them to influence the decisions you make together. Check out one of our very first posts here for some ideas of topics you can discuss together.

Ask for Each Other’s Help and Support

Finally, knowing that you are needed by your partner can increase your personal commitment and confidence in the relationship. 
Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash
Reaching out to your partner for help, whether it’s help killing a hairy spider, help processing your emotions, or help studying for a test, lets them know that you need them, and develops a pattern in your relationship of relying on one another. It requires vulnerability, but asking your partner for help, and responding positively when they ask you for help, can take you one step closer to building an equal partnership together. 
Check out this article here for more information on how asking your partner for help can improve your relationship! 
Try this: Ask your partner to help you with something you are currently working towards. Their support could be practical or emotional, the point is that you let them know you need them! 

More Than 50/50

Our marriages certainly require more than a 50/50 effort from each partner. However, a 100/100 effort isn’t necessarily what we are striving for either. What we strive for is a marriage where both partners feel equally loved and cared for, and where they feel equally responsible for the success of the relationship. 
Photo by Cassie Lopez on Unsplash
P.S. A great way to assess the strengths and weaknesses in your partnership is by taking the RELATE Assessment! This is a research-based questionnaire that can help you and your partner analyze your individual strengths and weaknesses and make a game plan for how you can improve together. Check it out here, and use our special HHP discount code RELATE50 for 50% off!
Choose one of the above ways to work on building equal partnership in your relationship this week.

References

Benson, K. (2020, September 04). 4 Marriage Myths That Cause Divorce. Retrieved September 30, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-marriage-myths-cause-divorce/
Ciciolla, L., & Luthar, S. S. (2019). Invisible Household Labor and Ramifications for Adjustment: Mothers as Captains of Households. Sex Roles, 81(7-8), 467-486. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-1001-x
DiDonato, T. (2014, October 31). Does Your Partner Need You? Retrieved October 02, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201410/does-your-partner-need-you
Gaia, A. (2002). Understanding Emotional Intimacy: A Review of Conceptualization, Assessment and the Role of Gender. International Social Science Review, 77(3/4), 151-170. Retrieved October 3, 2020, from http://www.jstor.org/stable/41887101
Goldberg, A. E., & Perry-Jenkins, M. (2004). Division of Labor and Working-Class Women’s Well-Being Across the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 18(1), 225–236. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.18.1.225
Hanks, J. (2015). 8 C’s of Partnership Families. Retrieved October 1, 2020, from http://www.partnershipfamilies.com/8cs 
Harryson, L., Novo, M., & Hammarström, A. (2010). Is gender inequality in the domestic sphere associated with psychological distress among women and men? Results from the Northern Swedish Cohort. Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, 66(3), 271-276. https://doi.org/10.1136/jech.2010.109231
Knudson-Martin, C. (2012). Why Power Matters: Creating a Foundation of Mutual Support in Couple Relationships. Family Process, 52(1), 5-18. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12011
Van Willigen, M., & Drentea, P. (2001). Benefits of equitable relationships: The impact of sense of fairness, household division of labor, and decision-making power on perceived social support. Sex Roles, 44, 571-597.

 

 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Reaching Higher

Understanding What You Are Worthy Of

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Cover photo by Sindre Strøm from Pexels
Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
We generally talk about worthiness as being a process of earning – to become worthy is to achieve a certain standard of “goodness” in order to obtain certain rewards. There are rules that accompany worthiness. While striving to be better and to be worthy of great things is a wonderful thing, sometimes we over-apply rules of worthiness, deciding that we have to be worthy of love, of communicating with a higher power, of becoming successful, and of becoming whole. “Worthiness to receive love, compassion, and the rest is inherent in our being.” (Fishman, 2018)
Photo by Holly Mandarich on Unsplash

You are worthy of growth.

Many of us spend too much time being hypercritical of ourselves. We are aware of everything we didn’t get done and all of our flaws. We constantly “should” ourselves: “I should have said this”, “I should have been able to do that”, and so on.
“When we take it upon ourselves to pass self-judgment and simply declare, “I am not worthy,” we build a barrier to progress and erect blockades that prevent our moving forward. We are not being fair when we judge ourselves….Worthiness is a process. …Perhaps it is reasonable to conclude that personal measurement or judgment oftentimes may be severe and inaccurate. We may get bogged down as we try to understand and define worthiness. All of us are particularly aware of our shortcomings and weaknesses. Therefore, it is easy for us to feel that we are unworthy.” (Ashton, 1989)
All of us, regardless of what we have done or where we currently find ourselves, are worthy to be better, smarter, more talented, more kind, more whole, more healthy, than we were yesterday. We are all worthy of allowing ourselves to be more whole, regardless of what we have done, or what situation we currently find ourselves in.

You are worthy of love.

We are all worthy of love – of being loved, and biologically it is something we crave. To feel worthy of receiving love from others, we must also love ourselves and feel worthy of caring for ourselves. We can and have written pieces on self-love, so while I am going to move on, remember that self-care is crucial!
This is what we need to understand: We are responsible for putting effort into maintaining the relationships we value, and it is important to take ownership of our mistakes. That being said, we do not have to earn love from those who we care about. And we do not need to carry shame for our imperfections and feel that honest mistakes disqualify us from the love and compassion of others.
We all want to belong. But,“some individuals grow up feeling that love from their caregivers is conditional upon living up to certain expectations, and thus gaining love from their parents may come at a steep price. These perceptions of the conditionality of love may lead to feelings of unworthiness of love even later in life.” (Overup et al., 2013) Those struggling with self-doubt are often involved in less satisfying relationships. Sometimes when we doubt our worthiness of love, we are excessively cautious, and struggle to find or allow ourselves to feel security, even when behavioral realities are secure. (Murray, et al., 2003)
Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

You are worthy of security.

When I refer to security I mean a sense of security within our relationships. Because of our experiences in our family systems, romantic relationships, religious congregations, workplaces and in other environments, we carry with us unspoken rules about what it means to be worthy. Some of these rules may be appropriate, but some of these rules are often shame-based as well. “These rules do not govern only who is worthy of receiving our love. They govern how we view our own worthiness to receive.
These rules are generally not universal. Although some are cultural, most are specific to each of us as individuals. These rules are typically not conscious. You likely don’t walk around with a checklist. And yet, you know your rules. You know your rules because you’ve been living with these rules for as long as you’ve been alive. We learn early in life what we must do to earn love and affection from our parents. We learn what makes us worthy of receiving compassion and care, and what we must do to be worthy of respect.” (Fishman, 2018)

Understanding worthiness and spirituality

Worthiness generally has religious and spiritual connotations. For many who are religious, the goal is to be worthy enough to live in heaven, nirvana, paradise, or moksha. For many, there are certain rites, ceremonies, and/or behaviors or qualities that make us worthy to be in the presence of our higher power. This is certainly not incorrect, and understanding worthiness as a process of growth helps us to have patience with ourselves and achieve our spiritual goals. Having said that, sometimes we impose these standards for worthiness upon things which don’t need them.
For example, as I have researched “worthiness”, one thing that has frequently come up is that many question their worthiness to pray or communicate with their higher power. Many even question whether they are worthy of having a relationship with their higher power. The general consensus I can find across many religions is that while certain privileges require some level of worthiness, our ability to pray to or commune with our higher power is not contingent upon any level of worthiness. Regardless of our situation in life, we are worthy of love, and we are worthy of seeking divine guidance and help.
One Christian’s perspective was this, “So often we hear about what we are supposed to do for God. But the emphasis of the Bible is not so much on what we are supposed to do for God, but rather on what God has done for us. If we can get hold of that in our minds and hearts, it will change our outlook and actions. The more we understand of what God has done for us, the more we will want to do for Him.” (Laurie, 2020)
Photo by Yingchou Han on Unsplash

Final thoughts to redefine worthiness

As Brené Brown puts it, “You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for worthiness. (Brown, 2015) As we become more wholehearted about who we are and what we want, and work to remove self-doubt, we rewrite our personal rules for worthiness. Interestingly, we feel more worthy when we own our stories and don’t try to push tough emotions and experiences out of our stories. Allowing ourselves to feel worthy of good things like, love, compassion, happiness, and healing takes time – because worthiness is a process of growth.
This week, practice owning your story. Practice being more intentional in affirming that you are worthy of good things.

References

Ashton, M. J. (1989). On Being Worthy. Ensign, 20-22.
Brown, B. (2017). Rising strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York: Random House.
Fishman, R. (2018, August 01). What Determines Our Worthiness to Receive?: Retrieved September 10, 2020, from https://mymeadowreport.com/reneefishman/2018/what-determines-our-worthiness/
Laurie, G. (2020) For Those Who Do Not Feel Worthy to Approach God in Prayer. Retrieved September 5, 2020, from https://www.oneplace.com/ministries/a-new-beginning/read/articles/for-those-who-do-not-feel-worthy-to-approach-god-in-prayer-15931.html
Mruk, C. J. (2013). Defining Self-Esteem as a Relationship between Competence and Worthiness: How a Two-Factor Approach Integrates the Cognitive and Affective Dimensions of Self-Esteem. Polish Psychological Bulletin, 44(2), 157-164. https://doi.org/10.2478/ppb-2013-0018
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., Griffin, D. W., Bellavia, G., & Rose, P. (2001). The Mismeasure of Love: How Self-Doubt Contaminates Relationship Beliefs. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(4), 423-436. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167201274004
Øverup, C. S., Brunson, J. A., Steers, M. N., & Acitelli, L. K. (2014). I know I have to earn your love: How the family environment shapes feelings of worthiness of love. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 22(1), 16-35. https://doi.org/10.1080/02673843.2013.868362

 

 

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Power Couples

One but Two: Maintaining Independence in Your Relationship

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Cover photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash

Written by Allie Barnes
Correspondence by Haley Todd, MSW, CSW
This is part two of my May 9, 2020 article, “Riding the Waves and Embracing the Cycle,” which discussed emotional cycles for women, and how to better handle the low points during the cycle.
—
In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, author John Gray compared men to rubber bands, stating,
Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. (98)
Gray continues by noting that “men instinctively feel this urge to pull away,” and that “it is not a decision or choice” (98).
There is undoubtedly some truth in this theory. Not only has Men Are From Mars sold millions of copies since it was published in 1992, but in a small informal poll I ran on Instagram, I found the following:
93% of respondents have noticed a pattern of their male partners (or themselves, if they are male) periodically needing distance or space.
When questioned about how often they or their male partner goes into their “cave”:
28% said every few months
22% said every few weeks
44% said they take a little time alone each day
6% had not noticed a pattern
While Gray’s rubber band theory is beneficial for the sake of awareness—both of oneself and one’s partner—I believe the theory itself is quite limiting. It incorrectly puts this cycle solely on men and fails to emphasize personal accountability for one’s response to this “urge.” I believe the healthier approach to this is recognizing the following two principles:
  1. It is healthy for both men and women to maintain a level of autonomy in their relationship.
  2. Each individual has the ability to choose how they respond to their feelings and needs.
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Photo by Emma Frances Logan on Unsplash
I’d argue that men—as well as women—have the ability to grow in self-awareness, and can better handle how they respond to this “urge” to pull away. Recognizing, communicating, and encouraging autonomy for one another in a relationship can often bring a couple closer to one another as they feel this mutual support and trust. But the important thing is remembering that you are a companionship—the second you make that commitment to be together, you are together. That includes supporting and encouraging each other in caring for oneself.
Individuals can begin to recognize and become more self-aware about:
  • The feelings, thoughts, stressors, and triggers that lead to feeling this “urge” to pull away, and
  • What they need to do to recharge effectively.
Don’t know how exactly you need to recharge? Here are some ideas. See what resonates with you:
Meditate, mindlessly watch TV, exercise, quality time with friends (“girls night” or “guys night”), going on a walk, listening to a podcast, taking a nap, taking yourself out for dinner, taking a bath, having the house to yourself for a couple hours to get projects done, having an hour of uninterrupted time, gardening, shooting, going on a drive, game night, learning a new skill or hobby, joining a club, window shopping…
The list is endless. You could also step back into hobbies or interests you used to have as a teenager, young adult, or before you were in this relationship.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Research shows that “taking some time for yourself, socializing away from your spouse, and engaging with personal hobbies may facilitate the ability to retain a more independent identity within married and cohabiting relationships, which may encourage marital satisfaction” (Soulsby & Bennett, 2017). On the other hand, feeling a lack of personal identity in a relationship can also cause conflict to develop in the relationship. Both partners can support one another in taking time to recharge and reconnect with themselves.
When you can recognize when you need a break and what exactly you need to effectively recharge, you can communicate that effectively to your partner. Bustle published an excellent article entitled “How To Ask For More Alone Time In A Relationship” which outlines some ways to kindly approach this conversation with your partner. In short, the author suggests the following:
  1. Pair the request with a future date
  2. Explain exactly why you need it
  3. Be willing to compromise
  4. Explain that it’s about recharging
  5. Take baby steps
  6. Keep your time apart balanced
  7. Be specific in what you’re requesting
  8. Explain how it will benefit the relationship
  9. Stress that you’re not trying to fix anything
  10. Highlight why it makes you happy
  11. Reconnect afterward
Definitely read the article for more of an explanation on any of those points. Not all of them will be needed in your specific situation, but the important thing is that you lovingly communicate your need to your partner, and be sure to reconnect afterward. Let the time apart help you better show up and connect to your partner.
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Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash
It may be beneficial to schedule in regular alone time—daily, weekly, or monthly. This could help prevent sudden emotional crashes or withdrawals, and even inspire motivation knowing you have this set time each day/week/month to fill your own cup. Even a few minutes or an hour will be beneficial. This does not need to be a major wrench thrown in the schedule.
I spoke with my friend Haley Todd, MSW, CSW for her perspective on the matter. Thank you so much, Haley, for putting the final touches on this article:
As a practicing family therapist, I know first hand how crucial it is for partners to have autonomy. As mentioned previously, autonomy seems to be more of a traditional male trait as a wife cares for children and the home. While many people value these traditional roles it is vital that we find ways for each partner to have individuality. I see women who are trying to find individuality and autonomy on top of their other responsibilities leaving them exhausted and resentful towards their husbands. 
I think both men and women are doing it wrong. A partnership means you work as a team. Typically when on a team each player or member works towards a common goal to win. As partners and families in teams, we need to work together to reach mutual goals. Whether that be happiness, future opportunities, or spiritual goals, among many others. We need to “pass the ball” so we can block for or protect other players, and do our part so that other players can succeed in their chosen roles. In a partnership, we need to communicate what these goals are and how we can support one another in them. All this in accordance with supporting self-care and individuality. 
As partners find their individuality they tend to find who they are as a person. This process towards self-discovery is one of the biggest struggles I see among teens and adults of all ages, but it is crucial for our happiness, both as individuals, and in our relationships. As we discover the person we are or want to become we have less and less to escape from and our lives become more valuable and enjoyable. Some of the happiest people I see are team players who care about one another’s successes and are there to support when needed. 
—
For more articles about healthy communication, check out these other articles on Healthy Humans Project:
Top 5 Communication Skills for Forming Healthy Relationships
By McKay Strong, February 22, 2020
Let’s Talk: A Secret to Less Fighting and More Listening
By Rian Gordon, July 11, 2020
Six Aspects of a Healthy Relationship
By Aubrey-Dawn Palmer, April 5, 2017
—
Personal Practice 1Consider creating intentional time for yourself. What does that look like now? What would you like it to look like? Begin the conversation with your partner. Invite them to consider the same for themselves.

References

Degges-White, S. (2018, March 21). “Alone Time” Keeps Relationships Healthy. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201803/alone-time-keeps-relationships-healthy
Gray, J. (1998). Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: The classic guide to understanding the opposite sex. HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Komar, M. (2016, September 27). How To Ask For More Alone Time In A Relationship. Bustle. https://www.bustle.com/articles/184507-how-to-ask-for-more-alone-time-in-a-relationship-without-starting-a-fight
Soulsby, L. K., & Bennett, K. M. (2017). When Two Become One: Exploring Identity in Marriage and Cohabitation. Journal of Family Issues, 38(3), 358-380. https://doi.org/10.1177%2F0192513X15598547

 

 

Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.

 

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Power Couples

The Four Sides of Sex

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Cover photo by John Schnobrich on Unsplash

Written by Rian Gordon
Sex is a hot topic (no pun intended) when it comes to today’s relationships. It has a lot of power to strengthen a committed relationship when handled correctly, and it can also do a lot of damage when it’s used incorrectly. And there is actually a lot more to it than just fireworks and body parts. When it comes down to it, the more we understand about the different sides of sex, the more fulfilling and connection-building our sexual relationships can be. 

Side 1: Physical

There’s no denying that sex is a physical experience. Our desire for sex is an innate part of the human experience, based in our biological needs both to reproduce, and to build connections and relationships with others. When preparing for and engaging in sexual activities, our bodies respond in ways that can create immense physical pleasure. Understanding our own pleasure and what we personally enjoy when it comes to our sexual response, and then practicing and learning the same about our partner, are certainly key in having positive and enjoyable sexual experiences. 
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Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels
Here are a few exercises to help you connect to personal pleasure:
  1. Make a list of things that turn you on and things that turn you off
  2. Learn more about the sexual response cycle, sexual “gender norms”, and how you may be similar or different from what is considered to be most common (keep in mind that there is no right or wrong; we all respond differently, and the key is understanding what works best for you)
  3. Spend time exploring your body with or without a partner. Find what feels good for you – what parts of your body create the most physical pleasure for you? What kinds of touch do you enjoy most? 
  4. Reflect on your sense of self-worth, particularly how it is affected by your personal body image. What is your relationship like with your body? Any past “body baggage” you need to work through?
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Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva from Pexels

Side 2: Emotional

Just as our bodies are inherently connected to sex, our emotions are impossible to disconnect from our sexual life. When we engage with someone sexually, oxytocin (also known as the “cuddle hormone”) is released. This creates emotions of connection, trust, attachment, and even love for another person. This is why sex is healthiest and the most satisfying in a committed relationship (and why one-night-stands often leave the participants, particularly the female participants, feeling empty and disappointed). (Birnbaum, et al., 2006; Campbell, 2008; Perel, 2007) 
Not only can sex create these deeply connecting emotions within us, a deep emotional connection, which includes love and respect for your partner, also greatly enhances the sexual experience. It provides the essential emotional safety that allows partners to completely let go of any inhibitions and let themselves be vulnerable together – something vital to fully engaging with our partner sexually. This level of emotional safety and trust also allows partners to be more explorative and free to try new things in their sexual relationship, which can really help keep things interesting after being together for a while. Emotions can also bring added flavor and variety to sexual encounters as you allow for love-making to be more joyful, tender, intense, playful, healing, or even silly (because sometimes sex is just silly, people, #amiright?). 
  1. What helps me feel emotionally connected to my partner? Talk about it together! 
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Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

Side 3: Spiritual

For many, sex is also thought of as a spiritual experience. Sex is an act of creation – both in its potential to create a child, as well as its usefulness in creating and building strong and healthy partner relationships. Apart from our relationships, it can be seen as a symbol of our connection to divinity as potential creators. In our relationships, it can be a symbol of unity, commitment, and total surrender. Interestingly enough, research also supports this idea of the spiritual aspect of sex. In a study looking at the sanctification of sex within marriage (to sanctify something means to make or consider it holy or divine), researchers found “that greater perceived sanctity of marital sexuality robustly predicted greater frequency of sex, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction 1 year after marriage” and that those who believed in the sanctification of sexuality at the beginning of their marriage had less deterioration of sexual and marital satisfaction over time than those who did not sanctify sexuality at the beginning of their marriage. (Hernandez-Kane & Mahoney, 2018) 
Here are some questions to get you thinking about the spiritual side of sex:
  1. What meaning do I assign to sex? Both for my individual sexuality, and sex within the context of a relationship?
  2. How do I define fidelity? Is it important to me? What expectations do I have regarding what it means to be a faithful partner?
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Photo by Ricardo Esquivel from Pexels

Side 4: Mental

Finally, our ability to engage with a partner sexually is heavily affected by what takes place in our minds. Research has shown that the most important sex organ is actually our BRAIN. The brain controls our emotions, our attraction, our arousal, our drive, our pleasure, etc., and therefore, it has a powerful say in what we experience sexually. 
The influence of our brain in sex can be both positive, and problematic. For example, before we even have sex, we develop ideas about it – what it’s for, what it should look like, feel like, or be like, what is appropriate and what is not, etc. These ideas can come from anything from the way our parents talked about sex when we were kids, to what our friends said in school, to what youth leaders taught in church, to what we saw in the movies, to what sexual experiences we have had in the past, to social and gender norms. If you have incorrect, unhealthy, or problematic beliefs about sex, this can make it difficult for you to be able to engage sexually. Distractions, stress, mental health struggles, and trauma can further complicate your ability to connect to yourself and/or a partner through sex.
The good news is, through practice, thought-work, therapy, self-reflection, etc., we have the power to change our philosophies, ideas, and thought patterns surrounding sexuality!
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Photo by Emma Bauso from Pexels
An important positive way in which we can use our brains to improve our sexual experiences is through mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being intentionally aware of the present moment while accepting our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations as they are, without judgment. Research has found that more sexually mindful individuals tend to “have better self-esteem, be more satisfied with their relationships and, particularly for women, be more satisfied with their sex lives” (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). Check out this article here for more information on how mindfulness can positively impact our romantic relationships.
Some practices to explore the mental side of sex:
  1. What ideas or philosophies have I learned about sex from society, my parents, religion, the media, etc. that could potentially affect my ability to engage sexually now and/or in the future? 
  2. Practice mindfulness in everyday moments with low emotional stakes so that you can be more mindful in moments where the emotional stakes are higher (like during sex). 
  3. If you have experienced sexual trauma of any kind, don’t be afraid to seek out professional help.
While learning more about our bodies is essential in enhancing our sexual experience, there is SO MUCH MORE to sex than just our physical responses. In fact, our ability to respond physically to sex is just as much determined by what goes on in our minds, hearts, and souls, as it is by our actual physical capacity to perform or respond sexually. The better you come to understand sex as a whole, not just the physical side, the more you will be able to understand and meet your own sexual needs and the needs of your partner.
Personal Practice 1Choose one of the aspects of sex to focus on this week, and complete the exercises listed in this post for that aspect.

References

Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 929-943. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-  3514.91.5.929
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.
Campbell, A. (2008). The Morning after the Night Before: Affective Reactions to One-Night Stands among Mated and Unmated Women and Men. Human Nature, 19(2), 157-173. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12110-008-9036-2
Hernandez-Kane, K. M., & Mahoney, A. (2018). Sex through a sacred lens: Longitudinal effects of sanctification of marital sexuality. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(4), 425–434. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000392
Johnson, S. (2015, July 28). The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy | Dr Sue Johnson | TEDxUOttawa [Video file]. Retrieved August 20, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVijMLH2-k
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.

 

4B3A0538editRian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Guest Writers, Power Couples

The Essence of Being: Using Mindfulness to Enhance Romantic Relationships

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*Cover photo by Derick Santos from Pexels

Written by Ellyse Winward of the BYU School of Family Life and Chelom Leavitt, Ph.D.
Autopilot can creep into a fast-paced life. Sometimes we arrive at home and wonder exactly how we got there. Sometimes we even walk in, kiss our loved one hello, and end up in front of the TV before we realize it. Even when we are trying to be intentional, we may have demanding tasks, emails piling up, and deadlines to fill. We seem to have no time to slow down and go on a walk or spend time chatting. Although we have a desire for a close and vulnerable relationship, the connection with our partner seems to stay a bit stagnant. 
Maybe this fast-paced life, sometimes lived on autopilot, is a practical response for desired “success” and we sense the pressure to fit our lives into the equation of doing more to achieve more. Unfortunately, success in our day is often measured in terms of better and faster, rather than quality of presence. To restore the magic and fan the spark in a romantic relationship, we need to slow down and be present. 
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
This happens when we set aside our to-do list in order to simply talk with and listen to a spouse—when we choose to be mindful and focus more on the essence of being. 
Mindfulness is an awareness of the present without analyzing the past or anticipating the future (Greater Good Science Center, 2020). In other words—it is the essence of being (Richardson, 2011).  It includes aspects of self-awareness, non-judgment, and presence. It’s slowing down. Letting go of distractions. Looking within.
Choosing to slow down can be challenging, since many of us prefer doing to being. One study showed individuals would rather inflict shock to themselves than be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes (Wilson, et al., 2014). That’s how uncomfortable being alone with our thoughts can be—some would rather be shocked than quietly meditate. Perhaps our rapidly advancing society is numbing us from personal and relational awareness (Wygant, 2013). As seen in the illustration below, however, we have a choice to be “mind full” or mindful. 
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Image from https://srwc-mb.ca/mindful/
So how exactly can one slow down? And what impact does it have on romantic relationships?

How Do I Slow Down?

Here are some ways to start slowing down:
Just breathe.
Breath is the center of a meditation practice. Our breath is constant, rhythmic, and relaxing. The breath can act like an anchor in the whirlwind of better and faster (Milliken, 2015). Imagine what would happen if we spent time with our partner just sitting and breathing together, noticing how the breath comes in and what it feels like when it goes out. Listening for how our breath aligns with our partner’s breath. Calm, connection, peace—that’s what this practice of just stopping to breathe can bring to the relationship (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). 
Practice being mindful in everyday moments.
Just like learning to play the piano or perfecting a family recipe, mindfulness improves with practice. Mindfulness is a practice, not a destination (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). The little things in a romantic relationship can be a great start. We can increase awareness when our hand lightly brushes against theirs. We can pay attention when giving our partner a hello kiss. How does it feel to connect after being apart? 
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Photo by fauxels from Pexels
Choose to slow down and pay attention to details (Sommers, 2013). Be present with each other. Remain in a long hug in order to feel their steady breath. Take advantage of simple everyday events to strengthen the ability to be aware and to enjoy the moment. Practicing awareness with the little things allows greater capability for mindfulness and increased enjoyment during high-emotional relational events, such as sex.
Return to a calm state during moments of stress.
The state of being during relational interactions can be more difficult to create than during simple tasks, like brushing our teeth. Actually, heightened emotions are often what encourage us to divert our focus during an intimate moment with our partner (Kimmes, Jaurequi, May, Srivastava, & Fincham, 2018). Negative stresses take their toll and mindfulness can help at those moments. For example, rather than becoming instantly upset when our partner has overspent the monthly budget, we can breathe . . .  calmly expressing feelings and seeking a solution together with both partners relaxed and regulated. 
Mindfulness can draw focus to the present moment. The present contact. The present experience. Letting go of the long to-do list and demands from work and just staying in the current moment with our partner—that could change everything (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010).

What Benefits Can Result?

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Photo by GUIVERG from Pexels
Although mindfulness is something each partner engages in personally, it has a great impact on the relationship—both for each partner individually and for the couple as a whole. Here’s an amazing fact: Research shows one partner’s mindfulness can impact the relational satisfaction for both partners (Khaddouma, Gordon, & Strand, 2017)! Even though we can be mindful without partner buy-in, our partner will likely notice the change in us and may practice a more mindfulness approach to life as well (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). 
And remember, this is a practice so keep trying even when distraction creeps in. It’s difficult to attune to one’s partner when thoughts stray beyond the present moment. Distraction comes in many forms, but however it happens, we can take positive action to shift thoughts. 
One idea that may help to sidestep distraction during partner interactions is to embrace the moment and come home to ourself (Richardson, 2011).  Re-center the breath, scan the body for tension, and find an inner connection in the body to anchor to. Choose to honor ourselves first. Diana Richardson shed light on this idea:
“When you honor yourself first, you stoke your own fire. You don’t depend on someone else to do it for you, and neither does your partner. The two individual fires join, they augment and enhance each other, and fueled by awareness, flames rise in splendid unison.” (Richardson, 2011)
Settling into our own body can bring a sense of self-empowerment. By doing so, we choose to be calm and redirect our awareness. Self-direction allows us to bring more to the relationship than simply relying on our partner to calm us (Schnarch, 2009).
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Photo by Andi Risam Triangga from Pexels
A greater connection with one’s partner can be realized through these suggestions since practicing mindfulness shifts the whole approach to daily living (Sommers, 2013). One is less reactive and more calm. Less judgmental and more accepting. Experiencing fewer barriers and feeling more freedom and safety. All of this leads to a greater ability to be who we really are—and accept our partner as they really are (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). Might sound too good to be true, but it actually works.
Slowing down and shifting autopilot to awareness could be the next stepping stone on the path to a close and vulnerable relationship. So, start practicing mindfulness. Calm the mind. Calm the heart. Tune into the beautiful connections within the relationship. 
Create a new essence of being for you and your relationship. 
Personal Practice 1This week, choose one way to practice mindfulness in everyday moments.

References

Greater Good Science Center. (2020, March 28). What is mindfulness? Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition
Khaddouma, A., Gordon, K. C., & Strand, E. B. (2017). Mindful mates: A pilot study of the relational effects of mindfulness‐based stress reduction on participants and their partners. Family Process, 56, 636-651
Kimmes, J. G., Jaurequi, M. E., May, R. W., Srivastava, S., & Fincham, F. D. (2018). Mindfulness in the context of romantic relationships: Initial development and validation of the relationship mindfulness measure. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 44(4), 575.
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497–509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
Milliken, C. (2015, June 13). The healing power of anchors. Retrieved from https://www.recoverywarriors.com/the-healing-power-of-anchors/
Pruitt, I. T., & McCollum, E. E. (2010). Voices of experienced meditators: The impact of meditation practice on intimate relationships. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32, 135–154. https://doi.org/10.1007/ s10591-009-9112-8
Richardson, D. (2011). Slow sex: The path to fulfilling and sustainable sexuality. Merrimac, MA: Destiny Books.
Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship. New York, NY: Beaufort Books.
Sommers, F. G. (2013). Mindfulness in love and love making: A way of life. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 28, 84–91. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2012.756976
Wilson, T. D., Reinhard, D. A., Westgate, E. C., Gilbert, D. T., Ellerbeck, N., Hahn, C., … Shaked, A. (2014). Just think: The challenges of the disengaged mind. US National Library of Medicine, 345(6192), 75–77. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1250830
Wygant, D. (2013). Social media is a romance contraceptive. New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2012/12/30/has-facebook-ruined-love/social-media-is-a-romance-contraceptive

 

 

Chelom-600x401Chelom Leavitt received her Ph.D. from Penn State. She studies healthy sexuality in committed relationships and focuses on how mindfulness during sex may be associated with positive outcomes for both men and women. Dr. Leavitt’s recent publications include cross-cultural work on sexual mindfulness, women’s sexual response cycles, and a study examining the role of orgasm in sexual and relational satisfaction for men and women.

 

IMG_2700_Original[1]Ellyse Winward is currently studying Elementary Education at BYU with a Family Life minor. In July 2019, she was introduced to the book Sexual Wholeness in Marriage by Drs. Busby, Carroll, and Leavitt which subsequently changed her life. Ellyse has developed a passion for learning and talking about healthy sexuality and mindfulness. She has loved learning from and working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Ellyse firmly believes mindfulness has the ability to better connect us with ourselves and the people around us and can really be a small thing that makes all the difference!
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