Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), sometimes called seasonal depression impacts an estimated 10 million people every year (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Characterized by symptoms of increased lethargy, fatigue, depression, hopelessness, increased moodiness, changes in weight and appetite, increased sleep, and decreased motivation, SAD usually begins in the fall and ends at the end of winter when days get longer and temperatures rise. Risk factors include family history of mental illness, and having bipolar disorder, especially bipolar II. Women are 4x more likely to have SAD than men (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Having said this, SAD can impact people during the summer, but is less common. We’ll save that conversation for warmer weather and focus on winter SAD for now.
Winter can be hard for everyone, not just those with SAD. If you don’t have SAD but you find yourself lonely, sad, lethargic, or grieving during the winter months, these tips for coping can help you too.
Light Therapy
Bright light has been proven to be effective in reducing symptoms of seasonal affective disorder, particularly when used two hours daily during the winter season. (Terman, et al., 1989). Light therapy helps regulate the body’s circadian phases by helping to regulate the body’s mood affecting chemicals and hormones (Youngstedt, et al., 2016). You can get light therapy lights on Amazon if you’re interested in giving it a shot.
Exercise
This is pretty obvious. Exercise increases endorphins and serotonin levels, helping to combat depressive symptoms (Leppämäki, et al., 2002). Increasing the heart rate is a great way to fight off feelings of hopelessness and lethargy and other symptoms of depression (Blumenthal et. al., 2012). Sometimes it can be hard to find the motivation, but don’t give up. Push yourself.
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Talk Therapy
As with any mood disorder, talk therapy can be effective in processing through depressive symptoms and feelings of hopelessness or lack of motivation. So if you’re feeling a “winter funk”, consider that maybe it really is a big deal. Seeking support and help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s just taking care of yourself.
Vitamin D
Vitamin D is another way to help stabilize mood. SAD and low vitamin D levels are connected (Whiteman, 2014). Get as much sunlight as you can despite the cold, darker days, and increase food like fish, egg yolks, fortified dairy products and mushrooms. Consult a physician to take vitamin D supplements.
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Social interactions
Even though having SAD makes it easier to isolate and comes with a lack of motivation, getting out and spending time with friends and family is an important way to cope and keep that depressed mood at bay. When my husband lived in Alaska, he met a mayor of a small town who held a weekly dinner at his home and would make personal visits to the citizens of the town to help them feel valued and combat depression and loneliness. Citizens of the town talked about how much they appreciated having these weekly dinners, particularly during the winter.
When it comes down to it, depression, anxiety, bipolar, and SAD are serious mood disorders which are commonly comorbid (occurring simultaneously), so be sure to take care of yourself and your loved ones. We all need love and care.
1. Take time for self care.
2. Check on a loved one who may be struggling with any emotion or mental health challenge, not just SAD.
References
Blumenthal, J. A., Smith, P. J., & Hoffman, B. M. (2012). Is Exercise a Viable Treatment for Depression? ACSMs HealthFit. https://doi/10.1249/01.FIT.0000416000.09526.eb
Leppämäki, S., Partonen, T., & Lönnqvist, J. (2002). Bright-light exposure combined with physical exercise elevates mood. Journal of Affective Disorders, 72(2), 139–144. https://doi/10.1016/s0165-0327(01)00417-7
Terman, M., Terman, J. S., Quitkin, F. M., McGrath, P. J., Stewart, J. W., & Rafferty, B. (1989). Light therapy for Seasonal Affective Disorder. Neuropsychopharmacology, 2(1), 1–22. https://doi/10.1016/0893-133x(89)90002-x
Whiteman, H. (2014). Researchers link vitamin D deficiency to seasonal affective disorder. Medical News Today. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/286496.php#1
Youngstedt, S. D., Kline, C. E., Elliot, J. A., Zielinski, M. R., Devlin, T. M., & Moore, T. A. (2016). Circadian Phase-Shifting Effects of Bright Light, Exercise, and Bright Light Exercise. Journal of Circadian Rhythms, 14(1). https://doi/10.5334/jcr.137
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Many of us grew up believing that once we’re married or find a life partner, we won’t experience loneliness anymore. And then we grew up and realized that wasn’t the case. The reality is, no matter your place in life, loneliness is a possibility. Even the healthiest couples feel alone, at times, in their relationships. So, how do we cope when love feels lonely?
Resistance and Mindfulness
Ironically, on the day I decided to write about loneliness, I experienced an overwhelming lonely night. It’s as though a wave of isolation, shame and emptiness consumed me. Rather than resist these emotions by jumping to usual numbing tactics, I allowed myself to feel them completely (Metcalfe & Mischel, 1999). I refrained from giving loneliness meaning, and instead, I just sat there with the feeling. What happened as a result? It, like all emotions, eventually passed. When we seek to understand our feelings rather than avoid them, they come and go as vibrations in the body. According to life coach Jodi Moore, “when we resist negative emotion, we intensify it” (Moore, 2015). Part of mindfulness is observing our emotions instead of judging them. Researchers have found when dealing with negative emotions it is more helpful to ask “what” rather than “why” (Kross, Ayduk & Mischel, 2005). There is a difference in “I feel lonely” and “I feel lonely, therefore, I must not be lovable, worthy, matter, etc.” Understanding our emotions without identifying with them is a leap toward emotional freedom. In times of anxiety ask yourself “what am I making this mean about me? Is that how I want to feel?”
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Letting go of control to seek awareness is a paradox to our survival instincts. We begin life dependent on external sources to quell our loneliness. As we become independent, our modern brains grow in reasoning. However, when the mind detects danger, our primal brain wants to protect. This is why when we experience negative emotions in our adult years there is often a sense of fear and urgency. Remember that your brain is just doing its job to protect you. When loneliness and fear of loneliness come up, be mindful that yes this hurts or feels uncomfortable, but is not life-threatening (Well, 2017).
Connection and Vulnerability
Sometimes loneliness catches us by surprise like in my recent experience. Other times it’s created by a buildup of emotions and unmet needs. Some researchers define loneliness as “a discrepancy between actual and desired interpersonal relationships” (De Jong-Gierveld, 1989). Meaning there is a lack of personal or social support and intimacy. When we feel lonely, we may be lacking connection, which can be found in many ways. Connection with self, others, the earth, a higher power, etc. Things like getting out in nature, taking a hot bath, meditating, talking with a friend or family member, praying, and reading good literature have all helped to ease my feelings of inadequacy.
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
No matter the type of connection we are needing, the stipulation is vulnerability. Remaining open to uncertainty is a precondition for the intimacy that can dissipate loneliness and shame. “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection” (Brown, 2010). We all need each other in some way, and our networks can help us in lonely times. Having relationships is part of what makes life beautiful and dynamic. It’s easy to admire someone’s strengths, but we actually connect with their weaknesses. Yet, remember that outside sources, people included, are not a fix-all. It takes both self-awareness and compassion from others to get through difficult times. Using loneliness to fuel introspection can lead to many insights and discoveries (Hixon & Swann, 1993). Holding space for others and holding space for yourself can co-exist, despite what we may have thought.
Right vs. Happy
Often times loneliness appears in our exchanges due to disagreements. Not seeing eye to eye is completely normal and inevitable in any relationship. The only person who thinks like you, is you. While conflict is good, and sometimes part of our path to connection, it can also create more feelings of separateness within partnerships. I’ve witnessed topics like raising children, religion, politics, diet, money, education, career and many others pull people apart.
Photo by Sebastian Pichler on Unsplash
I know a couple with different beliefs that have managed to put being happy over being right. The wife is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), and her husband isn’t religious. Her husband has fully supported her dreams, even though he does not share his wife’s beliefs. She has completely accepted who he is, without trying to change his mind or convert him. While both of them probably think that they are right in their personal beliefs, they maintain their own beliefs while still being kind and supportive of each other. When she went through an LDS temple to perform sacred rituals, he waited outside with flowers, embraced her and told her he was proud of her. It isn’t easy to allow space for difference or disagreement, but it is possible. When you feel lonely because of opposing views or ideas ask yourself, “What matters more to me? This person and our relationship, or being right?”
It’s Normal
According to Dr. Epistein, the feeling of separateness is inescapable, but it doesn’t have to be painful (Epistein, 2005). Because we are all individuals there is the potential for loneliness in every relationship.Remember, we’re not meant to feel good all the time. We’re meant to experience both joy and sadness. Take comfort in knowing that everyone feels alone at times, both in and out of relationships. The chances that others are feeling lonely are high. Know that loneliness is part of the shared human experience and there are likely people in your life with whom you can relate and turn to for comfort.
Practice identifying what emotions you’re experiencing without assigning them meaning. Honor that the emotions are there and deserve to be felt, but refrain from personalizing them. Share these feelings with your partner and practice holding the space for each other.
Hixson, J.G. & Swann, W. (1993). When does introspection bear fruit? Self-reflection, self-insight, and interpersonal choices. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 35-43.
Kross, E., Ayduk, A., & Mischel, W. (2005). When asking why does not hurt distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions. Psychological Science, 16, 709-715.
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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
All of us are fighting a hard battle. Maybe you’re like me and infertility is really weighing you down right now. Maybe you’re going through a divorce. Maybe you just lost a loved one. Maybe you lost your job, or are struggling to lose weight and eat healthy. Maybe your toddler is driving you really close to burnout. Maybe mental health is eating you alive. It doesn’t matter what it is – we all have things going on that are tough. And we can’t do it alone. Nor should we have to.
Sometimes we feel like we have to – no one wants to take my burden. I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. No one cares about what I’m going through. I’m the only one. All of these are toxic things we tell ourselves. These faulty beliefs isolate us and breed loneliness and poorer physical and mental health (Sippel, et al., 2015).
What are the benefits of having a support system?
Breast cancer patients who are socially isolated are more likely to experience tumor growth and at a more rapid rate than their peers who do have a strong support system (Hinzey, et al., 2016). And elderly adults reported a greater sense of well-being and fewer depressive symptoms when satisfied with the amount of support received from their family (Montpetit, et al., 2016). Elderly individuals are also more likely to be physically active when they feel supported, which is especially important given that a lack of physical activity contributes significantly to mortality in elderly patients (Smith, et al., 2017). Caregivers of patients suffering from terminal illness refusing treatment also found significant reduction in anxiety and burden by attending support groups (Chan, et al., 2016). Men who use online support groups for their infertility report a significant increase in well being, support and life satisfaction, despite the emotional exhaustion of infertility treatment and perceived stigma (Richard, et al., 2017). Poly-victimized girls with a support system of peers were less likely to have psychotic experiences (Crush et al., 2018). And medical residents experiencing loneliness were more likely to also experience both personal and work-related burnout. But when they rely on their coworkers for support, they report less loneliness and burnout, more energy and higher work performance (Rogers et al., 2016).
What it really comes down to is that whatever you are struggling with, building and utilizing a support system can help you emotionally and physically.
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How do I create my support system?
There are many ways to do this. One way is to join an organized support group. Support groups exist for almost everything: diabetes, care for elderly parents/spouse, infertility, adoption or foster care, parenting a special needs child, marital struggles, mental health or substance use struggles, loved ones of the same, etc. Some of these are just groups of people reaching out for support, like on Facebook or other social media platforms. Other times these groups are more organized and facilitated by a therapist or social worker or other professional. These groups, especially those facilitated by professionals have pretty good outcomes(Chan, et al., 2016). But the less organized groups on social media report good outcomes as well (Richard, et al., 2017).
Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash
In addition to these more formal options, your friends and family can be a great support system. There is no need to suffer alone or hide your pain and struggle from people who love and care about you. Having said that, not all of your friends or family will understand and be able to help. You will have to weed people out – not all of the people we love are able to give us empathy, validation, appropriate feedback, and assistance. Delicately introduce elements of your struggle that you are comfortable sharing. Test the reactions. Does the person blow off what you are saying or immediately jump to fix it? Do they tell you it isn’t a big deal? If they do, you probably don’t want to include them in your support system. But if they ask clarifying questions, provide appropriate insight and feedback, and express empathy for your struggle, you’ve probably got a good candidate for your support group.
No one in your life can fill every need. That’s why it is important to have many people in your support system.
I don’t want to burden my loved ones OR I feel uncomfortable asking for help
Many people won’t ask for help and support because they don’t want to inconvenience others. They don’t want to ask because they keep telling themselves “I’m fine” and what would they even ask for anyway?
But sometimes we aren’t fine, and if we don’t take the time to self-care and connect with the important people in our lives, healing slows, and sometimes we remain broken.
But we must find ways to get help. This may, of course, be easier in an organized support group. But even in developing your own support system, help can come organically. Schedule time with members of your support system. You don’t have to spend the entire time talking about your problems. In fact, you probably shouldn’t. Sometimes companionship is enough. Text or call. Be willing to ask for the little things. If you are open you will find people in your life with similar struggles who know what to say and how to help. There have been many times I have been open and offered details of my infertility to someone I didn’t think could possibly understand and received some of the greatest support and empathy. Building a support system requires openness and vulnerability and there is a level of risk. But the risk is worth it. It takes practice. Start small.
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Therapeutic or professional intervention may still be necessary
Be aware that even when we have the best support team ever we may still need professional support. Our support systems are intended to be just that – support. But they aren’t usually the ultimate “fix-it” or solution. If I get in a car accident and am injured I can use my support system, but I would still go to the hospital for medical care. If my car breaks down, someone in my support system can give me a ride, but I still take the car to a mechanic. The same goes with our mental health. I can use my support system for comfort, support, and accountability, but I may still need therapy and medication to work through my trauma or manage my anxiety. Our support systems add to professional help; they rarely replace it.
Building a support system makes such a difference. There are more people struggling than you know, and there is no need to struggle alone. Asking for help and reaching outside of yourself may take courage but it boosts mental health, physical health, confidence, and decreases feelings of loneliness and hopelessness (Sippel et al., 2015).
This week, identify at least 3-5 people to add to your support system. Ask one of them for help with something you wouldn’t normally ask for. Remember that you are not failing – you’re allowing people to lift you.
References
Chan, K. Y., Yip, T., Yap, D. Y., Sham, M. K., Wong, Y. C., Lau, V. W. K., … Chan, T. M. (2016). Enhanced Psychosocial Support for Caregiver Burden for Patients With Chronic Kidney Failure Choosing Not to Be Treated by Dialysis or Transplantation: A Pilot Randomized Controlled Trial. American Journal of Kidney Diseases, 67(4), 585–592. doi: 10.1053/j.ajkd.2015.09.021
Crush, E., Arseneault, L., & Fisher, H. L. (2018). “Girls get by with a little help from their friends: Gender differences in protective effects of social support for psychotic phenomena amongst poly-victimised adolescents”: Correction. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology: The International Journal for Research in Social and Genetic Epidemiology and Mental Health Services, 53(12), 1419. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s00127-018-1620-0
Hinzey, A., Gaudier-Diaz, M. M., Lustberg, M. B., & Devries, A. C. (2016). Breast cancer and social environment: getting by with a little help from our friends. Breast Cancer Research, 18(1). doi: 10.1186/s13058-016-0700-x
Montpetit, M. A., Nelson, N. A., & Tiberio, S. S. (2017). Daily interactions and affect in older adulthood: Family, friends, and perceived support. Journal of Happiness Studies: An Interdisciplinary Forum on Subjective Well-Being, 18(2), 373–388. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10902-016-9730-4
Richard, J., Badillo-Amberg, I., & Zelkowitz, P. (2017). “So Much of This Story Could Be Me”: Men’s Use of Support in Online Infertility Discussion Boards. American Journal of Men’s Health, 663–673. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557988316671460
Rogers, E., Polonijo, A. N., & Carpiano, R. M. (2016). Canadian Family Physician, 62 (11).
Sippel, L. M., R. H. Pietrzak, D. S. Charney, L. C. Mayes, and S. M. Southwick. 2015. How does social support enhance resilience in the trauma-exposed individual? Ecology and Society20(4):10.
Lindsay Smith, G., Banting, L., Eime, R., O’Sullivan, G., & van Uffelen, J. G. Z. (2017). The association between social support and physical activity in older adults: A systematic review. The International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, 14. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1186/s12966-017-0509-8
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Think of the last time you felt lonely. Now think of the last time you were isolated. Did you think of the same time for both? Or were you isolated and not lonely, or lonely but not isolated? For me, the last time I felt lonely was when I was in a crowd – lonely, but not isolated. When I missed church due to illness, I appreciated the break from people – isolated, but not lonely. The second week in a row that I missed church due to illness, I’d had my break and I wanted to see everyone again – isolated and lonely.
Do you see the difference now? In regular life, we often don’t differentiate between feeling lonely and being isolated. In research, these are distinct concepts that must be defined: Isolation isn’t about feelings. It’s when you have few social relationships or do not have frequent social contact. Loneliness, on the other hand, is the feeling you get when you have less social connection that you want to have.
Photo by Bonnie Kittle on Unsplash
And so it is that being isolated is not inherently unhealthy, but loneliness is. Of course, everyone feels lonely now and again. That’s perfectly normal. It is in excess when loneliness becomes dangerous. An article that looked at data from 148 different studies on social connection and mortality found that loneliness is as damaging to physical health as smoking and alcohol and is more damaging than obesity and lack of exercise.
Feeling lonely most of the time isn’t just unpleasant– It can actually shorten your lifespan.
So what do you do if you are both isolated and lonely? Start by decreasing your isolation:
Attend a creative class: Your local YMCA, community center, or craft shops likely offer classes for different creative activities – cooking, crafts, etc. You may never get good at whatever it is, but it will still give you the chance to meet people and bond over your mutual inability to make a clay mug that actually looks like a mug.
Join a local sports team or club: Explore the options in the community for competitive or recreational adult sports. If you’re into team sports, join a team – it’ll get you out of the house, get you exercise, and give you the opportunity to bond with your new teammates. If you’re into solo sports like tennis, you still need someone to play against – join a club where you can regularly find opponents, and reach out to the other players you regularly see there.
Make an effort at work: Spend time in the common areas at work, especially while those areas are being used for lunch – the more you eat lunch and make conversation with your coworkers, the more likely that you will start spending time with them outside of work too.
Volunteer: Pick a cause that means something to you and find a place nearby where you can volunteer – you’ll be making the world a better place and meeting new people at the same time.
Attend community events: Find inexpensive or free events in your community that interest you and make the time to attend some of them. While you’re there, don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger – the fact that you both thought the event was worth attending means you already have something in common (even if you’re both just there for the free food).
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Now raise your hand if you’ve tried all these things and you’re still feeling lonely. If this is you, think about this:
“In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.”
This idea of allowing ourselves to be seen – that is vulnerability. It is taking the risk, exposing ourselves to another person, not knowing how they are going to react. It is being courageous – telling “the story of who you are with your whole heart” (Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability).
Brené Brown’s research tells us that those who are courageous, those who are whole-hearted, “They [have] connection… as a result of authenticity. They [are] willing to let go of who they [think] they should be, in order to be who they [are].”
They allow themselves to be seen.
It is the quality of connection that matters, not the quantity. And to truly create quality connections with others, we must be authentic. We must have the courage to be vulnerable, to open up, to share things that matter deeply to us. Vulnerability is not comfortable, but it is necessary. It is fundamental to building connections with others – the connections we need in order to not feel lonely whether we’re in a crowd or staying home tonight.
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“Vulnerability is … the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”
-Brené Brown
When you dare to be vulnerable, you don’t just open yourself up to deeper social connections. You also open yourself up to all the positive emotions — from not having to hide who you are for fear of judgment; from allowing yourself to really be seen and having someone accept you for who you are in your entirety. That can change your life, if you let it.
Embracing vulnerability takes time, but you can take the first step on that journey now. This week, pick one person in your life with whom you would like a deeper connection. Think about everything that person doesn’t know about you, and pick one of those things to tell that person this week. Try to not pick a safe option, something that you can predict their response to. Try to pick something to share that you aren’t sure will garner a positive reaction. See how your connection can deepen as you allow yourself to be seen.
Brown, B. (2017). Braving the wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. New York: Random House.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Med 7(7), 1-20. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
Koyama, Y., Nawa, N., Yamaoka, Y., Nishimura, H., Sonoda, S., Kuramochi, J., Miyazaki, Y., & Fujiwara, T. (2021). Interplay between social isolation and loneliness and chronic systemic inflammation during the COVID-19 pandemic in Japan: Results from U-CORONA study. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 94, 51–59. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.bbi.2021.03.007
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
1. Take time for self care.
