We’ve all seen the tabloids at the grocery store checkout, “best sex of your life!!!” or “positions that will make him hot” and other variations of the same message that are frequent attention grabbers on the covers of Cosmopolitan magazine and others of the like. What really constitutes great sex though? Sexual positions? Let’s be honest, not all of us are Olympic gymnasts so there are really only so many variations of the same basic, and frankly more comfortable, positions. Is it the number of orgasms? What is it?
Researchers have asked this same question and the results might surprise you. Great sex has only a little to do with orgasm and nothing to do with exotic sex positions. The researchers found that “great sex” is composed of seven major components with two minor components or considerations (Kleinplatz et al., 2009).
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Component #1: Being Present, Focused, and Embodied
The first and most commonly reported component identified was “being present, focused and embodied” during the sexual experience (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). In other words, don’t be thinking about the pile of dishes in the sink or how the lawn needs to be mowed or about problems at work. Be present. Be mentally there as you engage in the experience of sex with your loved one.
Component #2: Connection, Alignment, and Being in Synch
This implies a depth of connection. That’s right, hook-ups probably aren’t going to result in truly great sex, but sex in a relationship where you have invested time, energy, and emotion will. In order to create this deep connection, Dr. Sue Johnson has prescribed caregiving and attention to one’s spouse or partner (Johnson & Zucarini, 2010). It may seem simplistic but it rings true; time, investment, and care for one another serve to deepen emotional connections which then intensify the sexual experience.
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Component #3: Deep Sexual and Erotic Intimacy
While this component may sound a bit more predictable, what does it actually mean though apart from engaging in sex? In the study, one woman described this as feeling “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished” by her husband (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). It is one thing to be “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished” in general and it is another thing to receive that kind of devotion in the sexual sphere. Sex is deeply personal and one of the very most intimate acts we can engage in as human beings, demonstrating acceptance and devotion to one’s partner in sex creates a deeper kind of intimacy.
Component #4: Extraordinary Communication and Heightened Empathy
It might be that you and your partner feel this deep emotional and sexual connection to one another but there is no way of knowing and trusting in that without extraordinary communication and heightened empathy. So what is it that makes communication extraordinary? The study described this superior form of communication as a couple’s “complete sharing of themselves, both verbally and non-verbally, with their partners before, during and after sexual encounters” (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy and satisfaction have shown to be deeply connected (Yoo et al., 2014); sharing your feelings and personal experiences with your partner are a great way to heighten your emotional connection. It is also important to recognize that this kind of complete sharing also requires a complete form of listening and acceptance.
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Component #5: Being Authentic, Genuine, Transparent and Uninhibited
While this concept may seem similar to the complete sharing of extraordinary communication, it differs in the way that it is a feeling of freedom to be yourself with your partner rather than an act of communication. This can come in many forms such as confidence in your partner’s love for you, trust that your partner does find you attractive, or a self-assurance that you are a competent lover. True authenticity in couple and sexual relationships enables the couple to “let go” during the sexual experience and freely enjoy it for what it is.
Component #6: Exploration, Interpersonal Risk-Taking, and Fun
I think that far too often in life we forget to have fun and enjoy the moments we are in. Dr. Sue Johnson once called sex a “safe adventure” (Johnson, 2015) and it’s true; when we have invested time and energy and love into a relationship, we are free to enjoy the safe adventure of sex. Take the time to explore with one another. Is there something that you’ve always wanted to try? Suggest it to your partner! Is there a new position you heard about? Suggest it and try it if your partner is willing. Enjoy the experience and allow yourself to let go and feel comfortable in doing so.
Component #7: Vulnerability and Surrender
In my opinion, being vulnerable is one of the hardest things to do. On vulnerability researcher Brené Brown has said, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control of the outcome… it’s not a weakness; it’s the greatest measure of courage.” True vulnerability allows us to let go of ourselves into the hands of another person and creates a couple-focused approach to the sexual experience.
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The two minor elements of great sex are orgasm and “chemistry” or physical attraction to one another. So much emphasis is placed on these two factors in the tabloids and in books and movies, but the research has shown that they are barely contributing factors. The good news in all of this is that the most important components of great sex are things we can work to CREATE. We can work as couples to be present in the sexual experience, we can work to become more aligned, we can work to improve our communication and listening skills, we can work on being authentic and being ourselves. We don’t have to wish for better sexual chemistry or hope for an intense orgasm to have a great and bonding sexual experience.
Discuss this article with your partner and analyze your sexual relationship. Choose one component of great sex that you can improve on this week with your partner.
Not currently sexually active? Consider choosing a component that you can practice NOW either on your own, or in one of your relationships, such as being present, strengthening communication, or empathy.
Johnson, S. & Zuccarini, D. (2010). Integrating sex and attachment in emotionally focused couple therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 36(4), 431-445.
Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, D. A., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009) The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 18(1-2), 1-13.
Yoo, H., Bartle-Haring, S., Day, R. D., & Gangamma, R. (2014). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275–293. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
Heads up – this article was written to benefit adults. What I am about to tell you is academic information about sex, and I have not sugar-coated it. This is helpful and important information, but it may need to be reframed to be more appropriate for children/youth education.
When you were an adolescent, sitting in sex ed class had a completely different purpose than what I want to teach you. This is adult sex ed – what you need to know now that you’re a grown up with sexual needs who has graduated to a bigger bed (and hopefully a hot spouse to go with it!).
1. The “good enough” sex model.
Thanks to the porn industry, media, poor sex education and high school locker rooms, many adults (and adolescents too) think that sexual compatibility is a must for a relationship checklist. And to be sexually compatible, they must be having mind-blowing sex all the time. False. According to a study done in 2007, couples reporting extremely high levels of sexual satisfaction report that they have average to good sex 40-60% of the time, and exceptional sex only 20-25% of the time. And guess what? Even happily married couples report having unsatisfactory or even dysfunctional sex sometimes (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). But it doesn’t matter because, for the committed couple, sex isn’t about the orgasm (as great as that is) so much as connecting with your partner. That’s why it’s called intimacy.
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2. Having an orgasm and being sexually satisfied are not the same things.
Most couples including men reported that having an orgasm was not always necessary to be able to be sexually satisfied (Basson, 2000; Georgiadis & Kringelbach, 2012). So chill out. You don’t need to be a sex god or goddess. Because news flash – it isn’t about you. It’s about the relationship. And if sex doesn’t play out the way you want every time, it doesn’t mean you aren’t compatible. It means you’re human. Having said that, if there is a pattern of dysfunctional or unsatisfying sex, communicate with your partner about the needs each of you has and how you can better meet those needs. If there continue to be problems, consult a therapist or physician.
3. Men and women need sex for biologically different reasons.
Though men and women seek sexual satisfaction differently and have different expectations surrounding sex, they seek the same benefits from intimacy. Men generally pursue emotional intimacy through physical means, while women tend to pursue sexual intimacy through physical means and seek emotional intimacy in other ways. While this sounds oppositional, it is, in fact, complementary (Metz & McCarthy, 2007; Barlow, 1995). Men often use physical means to be able to connect emotionally and women often need to connect emotionally to be able to connect physically (Barlow, 1995). Also bear in mind that women focus on feeling attractive and wanted, while men focus on being “invited” to engage sexually. Men’s sexual confidence lies in functionality, while women’s lies around trust and emotional connection and safety. Again, these are complementary, include much overlap, and evolve over time (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). So ladies, if you are feeling sexually frustrated, make sure you’re inviting your husband to be intimate with you. Men, make sure that emotional connection is part of your intimacy.
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4. Women take longer to become fully aroused than men do.
Men are much more easily aroused than women, requiring only a few minutes to become fully aroused (Miyagawa, et al. 2007). Women take an average of 19 minutes to become fully aroused (Huberman & Chivers, 2015) and are aroused less by visual means (as men tend to be), and more by context, environment, intensity, and other senses (Fisher, et al., 2012). This is useful information! Understanding the physiology behind your partner’s arousal patterns can help you make sure that both of you are getting what you want and need out of sex. For example, remembering that your wife takes a little longer to become fully aroused and is responding to cues like the environment and context can inspire you to slow down and engage in more foreplay. You may also consider using candles, music, more talking during sex, romantic texts throughout the day, weekend getaways, etc. to increase arousal.
5. Commitment increases sexual pleasure.
Generally, healthy couples have sex for 5 reasons: 1) reproduction, 2) tension and anxiety reduction, 3) sensual enjoyment, 4) confidence, and 5) high relational closeness and satisfaction. Understanding that people have sex for a host of reasons and to fill a variety of needs develops partner congruence which aids relationship and sexual satisfaction (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). But what’s really interesting (at least to me) is that those who focus on themselves during sex experience the least amount of pleasure. Those who focus on the other person experience a deeper level of pleasure. But those who focus on unity or the “us” during sex experience the deepest levels of sexual pleasure and satisfaction (Mosher, 1980). Men and women in committed relationships generally report higher sexual satisfaction than those having casual sex (Birnbaum, et al., 2006).
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6. Expect the sexual relationship to change over time.
Because we as individuals change over time, and because our relationships change over time, we must also expect that our sexual patterns within that relationship will change (Basson, 2000). As life happens, what we need and want from sex is different. Because of these changes, it is crucial that couples communicate consistently about what they like, want and need in intimacy. Communication is necessary for balancing the two people in a relationship (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Find a way to incorporate one or more of the above principles in a planned intimate night this week!
References
Barlow, B. A. (1995). Worth waiting for: Sexual abstinence before marriage. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.
Basson, R. (2001). Using a different model for female sexual response to address women’s problematic low sexual desire. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27(5), 395–403. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/713846827
Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 929–943. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.929
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2002). Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment. Archives of Sexual Behavior,31(5), 413-419.
Georgiadis, J., & Kringelbach, M. (2012). The human sexual response cycle: Brain imaging evidence linking sex to other pleasures. Progress in Neurobiology, 98(1), 49-81. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pneurobio.2012.05.004
Huberman, J. S., & Chivers, M. L. (2015). Examining gender specificity of sexual response with concurrent thermography and plethysmography. Psychophysiology, 52(10), 1382–1395. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/psyp.12466
Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351–362. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/14681990601013492
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford.
Miyagawa, Y., Tsujimura, A., Fujita, K., Matsuoka, Y., Takahashi, T., Takao, T., Takada, S., Matsumiya, K., Osaki, Y., Takasawa, M., Oku, N., Hatazawa, J., Kaneko, S., & Okuyama, A. (2007). Differential brain processing of audiovisual sexual stimuli in men: Comparative positron emission tomography study of the initiation and maintenance of penile erection during sexual arousal. NeuroImage, 36(3), 830-842. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2007.03.055
Mosher, D. L. (1980). Three dimensions of depth of involvement in human sexual response1. The Journal of Sex Research, 16(1), 1-42. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224498009551060
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Discuss this article with your partner and analyze your sexual relationship. Choose one component of great sex that you can improve on this week with your partner.
