“Change isn’t painful. Only the resistance to change is painful.” -Buddha
A popular saying today is “people don’t change.” I’ve heard this idea come up in many conversations with friends and family. Usually, when discussing the behaviors we notice in our relationships, we make generalizations about our loved ones. However, a more accurate assumption is “people don’t change for you.” Below is an analysis of the reality that change is inevitable, yet unpredictable.
How we measure change is flawed
Change is uncomfortable. Humankind generally avoids the uncertain, because it feels unsafe. Because of this, we try to define others in black and white terms. We say things like my spouse is insensitive or I’m just not a patient person or my children are ungrateful, etc. Though the emotions behind such phrases are entirely valid, the statements themselves aren’t necessarily true. Early on we learn to make judgments and give meaning to our circumstances. Up vs. down. Yummy vs. yucky, etc. This antithetical way of thinking can help in the way we interact with the objective, physical world. However, many problems can occur when using the same methods to understand human behavior.
The problem with a fixed mindset regarding behavior is that it classifies people using false dichotomies. That they are either one way or the other. Not only is that limiting, but it’s also unrealistic. We take a similar approach when we measure change. We often put behaviors on a linear path to try and make sense of them. But, more often than not, people defy this path, making data incongruent. Think of addiction recovery, for example. Is the path from addiction to abstinence a straight line for everyone? Of course not. According to Prochaska, such approaches do not accurately represent how people change, and “it leads us to expect that people change quickly.” (1991). Imagine a spiral or a bunch of scribbles in place of a line, and you’ll have a better representation of the change process. Human behavior is too complex to measure objectively.
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We can’t change people
Have you ever entered a relationship hoping or expecting the other person to change? Not only is this unlikely, but it causes unnecessary suffering. I’m sure most of us have gotten caught in the trap of they should change because they love me or because they promised me or because it’s the right thing to do, etc. That mindset is taking their change process and making it about you. Unconsciously, we’ve all tried to change others. When we perceive people’s opinions or actions as harmful to us, we often resort to unhealthy forms of persuasion. Have you ever found yourself thinking we keep having this conversation and nothing changes? Consider if any of the following sounds familiar.
I’ve asked them to (fill in the blank), and they don’t even try.
I’ve asked them to (fill in the blank) and they do it! It only lasts for a short period before they’re back to the same pattern.
I’ve told them to (fill in the blank). Months/years later they do said thing, and believe they came up with it entirely on their own.
The truth is people don’t transform for anyone other than themselves. You might think that’s not true, I’ve changed for loved ones. Don’t I deserve the same courtesy? Though we might think we adjust for others, consider the idea that you initially did it for your own benefit. Something inside you agreed with the request of someone else. You decided it was worth it, or important for the person and you. No one can force a behavior. We all make our own choices in the end. Trying to change people against their will is insanity. We might believe people don’t change because we’ve been unsuccessful at changing them, or vice versa. But, change is an individual experience. Lasting change comes from within us, not from outside people or sources. (Tolle, 1997).
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Change happens, but not how we think
Most of the thoughts that drive our behavior aren’t fully conscious. Our brain uses the easiest and most familiar pathways when making decisions. Change requires new pathways in the brain. This is why change feels difficult, and often takes longer than we’d like. “People do not change chronic behaviors quickly.” (Proschaska, 1991).Think back to who you were 5 years ago, 10 years ago. What is the difference? At our core, we feel the same. Yet, notice how you’ve changed your mind in that time. Maybe your spiritual or political beliefs have changed. Perhaps you deal with stress differently. As you ponder how you’ve changed, notice that you’ve changed in ways you didn’t anticipate or plan.
It’s the same with our loved ones. They do change, but in their time and way. Not as we expect. Truthfully, people are constantly changing. Conscious, or not, we are evolving every day. The reason we believe people don’t change is because they do so on their terms. We may change our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors over a long period of time. We can also change our mind overnight. Those close to us can and will change in ways we don’t relate to, or want. This can be frustrating, but remember “If we all thought the same then we wouldn’t need each other.”(Gordon, 2019).
Be better, not bitter
What about when change feels negative? Sometimes we perceive other’s evolution for the worse. Some changes can be life-altering like illness, abuse, death, trauma, divorce, and addiction. When change hurts, grieve it. Allow yourself to feel fully, and take steps toward healing. This could be through methods like meditation, therapy, exercise, eating well, spirituality and connecting/relying on loved ones. Then, when you’re ready, consider do I want to be better or bitter as a result of this?
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My sister expressed that early on in her marriage she felt worried about some changes in the way her husband viewed certain things. She told him, “I chose you because I thought you were safe.” They both worked through this by seeking to understand each other, and she came to realize that she was trying to make uncertain things certain. She was keeping him in a box because that felt like less of a risk. In letting go she now views their differing opinions as a good, helpful thing. Some people have thoughts like he/she’s not the person I married or I don’t know them anymore. Well, of course they’re not. Who you know now will be different later on. “An identity, a sense of permanency – is a recipe for frustration and suffering.” (Tolle, 1997). Allow yourself and others to change in the ways they choose. It is freeing for them and you.
In conclusion, let go. Release the need for permanency and allow life and others to shift. People surprise us. Embrace a mindset of faith in the unknown and the beauty of evolution. Don’t expect people to change, but be open to the notion that they likely will in arbitrary ways. Practice the perspective given by Donte Collins: “A lover doesn’t discourage your growth. A lover says, ‘I see who you are today, I cannot wait to see who you become tomorrow.’”
Practice observing people’s behavior without making a judgment. Express joy and gratitude for your loved ones when they make changes, even when it feels uncomfortable.
References
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
Practice observing people’s behavior without making a judgment. Express joy and gratitude for your loved ones when they make changes, even when it feels uncomfortable.