Morrie Schwartz, the subject of Mitch Albom’s award-winning novel Tuesdays with Morrie, states that he truly didn’t learn to live until he was dying of the fatal illness amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, i.e. Lou Gherig’s Disease. As I stayed up one night unable to put the book down I came across the following thought-provoking passage, “The truth is, when our mothers held us, rocked us, stroked our heads- none of us got enough of that. We all yearn in some way to return to those days when we were completely taken care of- unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn’t get enough.”
The more I ponder this statement the more I have to say I agree. Even as a 25-year-old there are many times I simply want to be held, to feel that closeness that comes from the tight embrace of another human being. I suspect this is a desire that never leaves us, one that is part of our deeper nature and desire to connect with others, and I believe we need it even more than we realize. Do we have “enough” affection and physical touch in our lives as is stated by Mr. Schwartz? In our day and age, I don’t think so.
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The moment that physical touch becomes vital actually begins at birth. Physical contact (i.e. skin-to-skin) after birth and throughout infancy has been proven scientifically to have beneficial physiological effects on the infant. This even goes a step further where the skin to skin contact after birth aids in activating maternal attachment (Phillips, 2013).I have personally felt this in my own life when my daughters were in the NICU for days before I was able to hold them and then the moment to hold them finally came and I instantly felt a motherly connection.
As infants develop the benefits of physical touch are numerous. In one of my favorite parenting books, Super Baby by Dr. Jenn Burman, an entire chapter is devoted to the importance of touch along with references to current research. Based on the current body of literature eight benefits of touch for children have been listed (Berman, 2010) and they include:
Smarter children.
Healthier digestion.
Improved weight gain.
Improved immune system.
Better sleep.
Enhanced muscle tone and coordination.
More developed sensory awareness.
Better ability to handle stress.
As we develop over the years from infant to adults our desire to be touched and loved never goes away, in fact, it matures as we mature. Personally when I have moments where the worries of life bring me anxiety I often find that the best cure is simply to be held. My breathing slows, my chest relaxes, and my thoughts focus. As I feel compassion and connection from the person holding me, the mental and physical grip of anxiety loosens and melts away.
Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California Berkeley, conducted an experiment in his lab asking if humans can communicate compassion through touch. In one particular study, he built a barrier that separated two strangers from each other. One person would stick their arm through a barrier and a person on the other side of the barrier would try and convey an emotion from a list they were given in one-second increments of touch. The other person would have to try and figure out which emotion was being conveyed. The results were remarkable. In describing the results Dr. Keltner states, “Given the number of emotions being considered, the odds of guessing the right emotion by chance were about eight percent. But remarkably, participants guessed compassion correctly nearly 60 percent of the time. Gratitude, anger, love, fear—they got those right more than 50 percent of the time as well.” (Keltner, 2010)
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Once we realize the extent of how necessary physical affection and connection with other people is, the question then becomes, why do we sometimes go out of our way to avoid it? As I’ve pondered this conundrum I’ve had a few thoughts that I will share. One reason I’ve found to be a common theme amongst myself and those I’ve discussed this with is a lack of vulnerability. Physical touch requires two people, it’s inviting another person to share our moment of happiness, contentment, sorrow, pain or grief. Simply put, it exposes our most raw selves to someone else. This can lead to another reason we might attempt to shy away from physical touch: fear. We might fear that the other person will not respond appropriately, maybe misread intentions, or perhaps even reject us entirely. Despite these valid fears or concerns, we must overcome them. Our emotional health depends on it.
Just as there is a multitude of different emotional states, so too are there varying types of appropriate physical touch, and all of them are vital to human connection. Think of the emotional benefits you have personally derived from receiving a hug, someone rubbing your feet after a long day, an embrace from a lover, or even a simple hand on the shoulder after a job well done. It makes us feel good. It connects us. In our day and age of social media, Skype, and other impersonal electronic modes of communication I daresay Mr. Schwartz is right, we don’t get enough physical touch. We don’t get enough connection. I challenge each of us to ponder how we can develop more meaningful relationships through physical touch.
This week, look for opportunities to engage in appropriate, consensual physical touch.
Phillips, R. (2013). The Sacred Hour: Uninterrupted Skin-to-Skin Contact Immediately After Birth. Newborn and Infant Nursing Reviews, 13(2), 67–72. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/ 10.1053/j.nainr.2013.04.001
Widström, A., Brimdyr, K., Svensson, K., Cadwell, K., & Nissen, E. (2019). Skin‐to‐skin contact the first hour after birth, underlying implications and clinical practice. Acta Paediatrica, 108(7), 1192–1204. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/apa.14754
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Elisabeth Gray is from Orem, Utah, but she is currently living in Tulsa, Oklahoma while her husband attends medical school. Betty graduated from Brigham Young University in April of 2016 with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and is a Registered Nurse. She has experience with pediatric home health patients, but she currently works from home so she can be with her two-year-old twin girls.
Mindfulness is a pretty trendy word these days, but what exactly is mindfulness? And how can it help us in our marriages?
What is Mindfulness?
Dr. John Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally” (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). To be mindful is to be conscious and deliberate about your life. It is about choosing to be where you are, to really be present in the moment. It is natural for our minds to get caught up in a cycle of living in the past or the future, with little attention to the present. Being mindful is a reminder to slow down and appreciate the beauty of where you are right now.
Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash
A wide spectrum of research has highlighted benefits of living mindfully. Some of the benefits include decreased stress, improved focus, greater immune functioning, lower anxiety, and improved overall well-being (Davis & Hayes, 2012). In relationships, practicing mindfulness has been shown to improve communication, decrease emotional reactivity, increase empathy, and heighten relationship satisfaction (Gambrel & Keeling, 2010). These benefits come by consciously being present; choosing to be awake and aware of what is now.
Turning Off Autopilot
We have all had the experience of arriving at our destination without having been fully conscious of the roads we were taking. Perhaps your mind was scanning over your mental to-do list, ruminating on a recent conflict with a partner or co-worker, or making plans for tomorrow. Suddenly you arrive at home or your office without having been fully aware of the route you took, lights you stopped at, or other drivers who passed by. This is called autopilot.
Photo by Daniel Salcius on Unsplash
This phenomenon of living on autopilot not only happens when driving, but can also be present in our relationships. When life gets busy, sometimes our marriages can get pushed to the back-burner. Date nights become few and far between, late night heart-to-heart talks turn into a quick “goodnight,” before hitting the pillow, and greetings turn into a halfhearted peck before quickly moving on to complete some other task. These small actions of not “being present” can lead our relationship to grow stagnant over time. Mindfulness is an invitation to combat autopilot, to see your partner and your relationship with fresh eyes, and to sincerely give them your time and attention. AsDr. Mark Williams explained, “[mindfulness] allows you to look at the world once again with open eyes. And when you do so, a sense of wonder and quiet contentment begins to reappear in your life” (Williams & Penman, 2011).
Presence in Practice
You do not need to go meditate on a mountaintop, perfect your handstand in yoga, or light candles and chant “ommm” in order to be more mindful. Simply bring your attention to what you are doing now. When your partner is talking to you, really listen. When you are hugging your spouse, really hug them. Along with your physical presence, give your partner the gift of your mental and emotional presence. When you find yourself on autopilot or your attention is drifting from the present moment, simply focus on your breathing as a gentle reminder to bring your awareness back.
Here are a few simple ways to actively incorporate more mindfulness into your marriage:
1. Mindful Embrace
Hugging has been shown to have many health benefits including greater immunity against illness, decreased stress, reduced anxiety, and increased optimism (Miller, 2017). Taking your partner in your arms in a mindful embrace is a wonderful way to reconnect with him or her at the end of the day. In order to practice a mindful embrace, stand facing your partner. Gently supporting your own weight, take each other in a loose embrace. There is no need to talk during this embrace, rather focus on simply being present with your partner. Synchronizing your breathing with that of your partner, deeply inhale and slowly exhale. Repeat at least three times, longer if desired. Notice how you feel in your partner’s arms. Pay attention to any bodily sensations you may be experiencing. Gently, and without judgment, recognize any thoughts going through your mind and allow them to calmly pass. Softly coming out of the hug, face each other and take a moment to share any impressions or feelings you had during the embrace.
Sometimes communicating with your partner in a positive way is easier when you are doing an activity together. Before taking your walk, decide on a topic that you want to sort out. Perhaps it is a financial concern, topic of conflict in your relationship, or opportunity to ask one another what you can improve on. As you begin your walk, find a comfortable pace and walk side by side with your partner. Try to soften any tight muscles and relax into the rhythm of your breath. After about ten minutes of silently walking side by side, open a gentle dialogue of the topic you established beforehand. Strive to continue breathing slowly and deeply. As you walk, do your best to listen with an open heart to what your partner shares. Give each other the gift of acceptance and non-judgement. After the walk, take a moment for a mindful embrace.
3. Mindful Listening
Mindfulness has been shown to decrease relational conflict and improve positive communication (Barnes et al., 2007). These benefits happen in part because mindfulness helps us to be more present in the moment of the conversation, to react with less emotionality, and to truly hear what our partner is sharing. To practice mindful listening, give your partner your full attention next time they start a conversation with you. Begin by clearing away any distractions, perhaps turning off your cell phone. Take a few deep breaths to clear your mind, allowing for greater mental space to hear what your partner would like to share. As your partner speaks, listen carefully. Rather than focusing on your response, strive to allow what he or she is saying to really enter into your heart. Do your best to see the situation from their perspective, without judgment. Be aware of your non-verbal communication as well, communicating to them with your eye contact and an open posture that they have your full attention. Appreciate the clarity and calm this type of communication can bring to your relationship. (Read more from us on listening here)
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In Conclusion
Mindfulness is an innate ability deep within each of us. Unfortunately, it sometimes gets pushed away in this fast-paced world. By putting in the practice and effort to truly be present, the ability to be mindful will become more natural. As we become more mindful, our relationships with ourselves and our partners will flourish. In the words of Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, “the most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”
References
Barnes, S., Brown, K.W., Krusemark, E., Campbell, W. K., & Rogge, R. D. (2007). The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and responses to relationship stress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 33(4), 482-500.
Davis, D. M., & Hayes, J. A. (2012)What are the benefits of mindfulness? A practice review of psychotherapy-related research. Psychotherapy, 48(2), 198-208.
Gambrel, L. E., & Keeling, M. L. (2010). Relational aspects of mindfulness: Implications for the practice of marriage and family therapy. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32(4), 412-426.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go There You Are. New York, NY: Hachette Books.
Williams, M., & Penman, D. (2011). Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World. New York, NY: Rodale Books.
Aubrey Hartshorn is from Weiser, Idaho. She is happily married to her husband Joseph and is the proud mamma of a beautiful little girl. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Studies. She is passionate about mindfulness, minimalism, and motherhood.
This week, look for opportunities to engage in appropriate, consensual physical touch.
