Researchers John and Julie Gottman have observed thousands of couples in order to try and get down to the bottom of what makes a successful and long-lasting couple relationship. Through these observations, they have found that “happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions” (Lisitsa, 2018). He calls this act of turning towards your partner, making an “emotional bid”, or in other words, making an effort to connect with your partner in some way. Making and responding positively to these emotional bids increases commitment, connection, and trust in a relationship — essential components of relationships that last. In this post, I want to talk about a specific type of emotional bid that can automatically deepen your relationship with your significant other.
Help! (I Need Somebody…)
One emotional bid that we should frequently be making when it comes to our romantic partner is asking them for help. This can be help with daily tasks, emotional help, help in staying accountable for a goal we have, help looking for something we’ve lost, even help in the form of asking our partner to pray for us (something that research has shown is incredibly beneficial for relationships). No matter what it’s for, asking our partner for help when we need it turns us towards them, and gives them an opportunity to feel wanted and needed by us.
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Asking for help can be vulnerable. From infancy we are working towards becoming independent human beings that survive and function on our own. As we become more independent, asking for help can be viewed in our minds as weak, unnecessary, or even bothersome to those around us. The truth is, however, WE NEED EACH OTHER. We simply cannot function entirely on our own in life, and our partner is an excellent built-in resource for us to receive help of all kinds. Asking for help creates space for vulnerability and connection, which are both crucial elements of strong relationships. It fosters closeness, and allows the helper to increase in confidence, which makes them more likely to share thoughts and feelings with their partner. It also requires humility, which is a helpful and important trait in all relationships.
Equal Partnership
Not only can our partner give us help that we may desperately need, but the simple act of asking them for help also sets a precedent in the relationship for equal partnership. Healthy relationships involve give and take. Both asking for help and in turn helping your partner creates interdependence in your relationship, and teaches you that you can rely on each other. It helps you move forward as a couple, and both emotionally and physically support one another in your individual and couple goals.
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One reason that we may be reluctant to ask our partner for help is because of the false relationship belief that someone who knows us well should be able to read our mind and know when we need something from them. This may sound silly, but many of us have fallen prey to this false “romantic” notion! Unless you are married to a medium, your partner is not going to be able to read your mind, even after years and years together. This assumption is actually detrimental to relationships, as it sets up unrealistic expectations for our partner. Over time and the more you get to know each other, the better you may be able to read each other’s signals, but it is NEVER realistic to expect your significant other to read your mind and know exactly what you need. Asking for help can increase the likelihood that your needs will actually be met rather than be missed by your partner.
Remember…
It is important to realize that our partner will not be able to fill every single need that we have. That is why it is necessary for us to maintain the other relationship networks we have in our lives with family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. even after we find our “one-and-only”. However, work to recognize opportunities in your daily life where you might be able to ask your partner for help rather than turning towards someone else. This is something I have personally been working on in my relationship, since my dad has been my go-to fix-it-man for my entire life. If something is ever broken, I just ask my dad for help and he can usually fix it. I’ve realized, however, my natural tendency to just ask dad has occasionally deprived my husband of opportunities to learn how to fix something, or to even use the skills that he already has to help me. My husband is an incredibly capable individual, and asking him for help rather than using my dad as an automatic resource shows him that I trust in his abilities, and that I want and need him in my life.
Now, if you’re on the receiving end of this emotional bid, it’s up to you to TURN TOWARDS your partner, whether or not you can actually help them in that moment. Sometimes you aren’t able to help, and that is okay! But acknowledging your partner’s bid, and letting them know that you love them and care about them is essential.
This week, think of something you need help with, and ask your partner to be the one to help you with it!
References
Bella M. DePaulo & Jeffrey D. Fisher (1980) The Costs of Asking for Help, Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 1:1, 23-35, DOI: 10.1207/s15324834basp0101_3
Lambert, Nathaniel & Fincham, Frank & C. LaVallee, Dana & Brantley, Cicely. (2012). Praying Together and Staying Together: Couple Prayer and Trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality. 4. 1-9. 10.1037/a0023060.
Ogolsky, B. G., Monk, J. K., Rice, T. K. M., Theisen, J. C., & Maniotes, C. R. (2017). Relationship Maintenance: A Review of Research on Romantic Relationships. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(3), 275-306. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12205
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Do you ever find yourself feeling unsatisfied with where you are at?
Do you sometimes get overwhelmed by the struggles and problems you are facing?
Is there something you are currently working towards or hoping for, that you feel like would fix it all if you just had it now?
Many of us struggle at times with feeling like the grass is greener on the other side, or that our lives would be so much better if we just had another life accomplishment checked off our list. It doesn’t help that we are constantly being bombarded with everyone else’s life accomplishments and edited-to-perfection realities (thanks, social media). Seeing how everyone else’s lives are being made better (or so it would seem) by all of these events can cause us to get the wrong idea about what will bring improvement in our own lives.
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In a world where everyone’s steps forward through life are constantly on display for all to see, it can be easy to fall prey to the idea that, “If I just find a boyfriend…”, “If I just get married…”, “If I just get my degree…”, “If I just get pregnant…etc etc…everything will be better!” This is a very dangerous thought process that causes a lot more harm than help to us and to our relationships.
Research has shown that taking a big life step in order to “fix” a problem actually does the opposite. Researcher Brené Brown calls this The Magnification Principle. “Through the research process, I have come to believe that whatever problems you take into a life event will become instantly magnified the moment the hoopla surrounding that life event comes to a close…Whatever problems you and your partner take into a marriage get magnified. The same thing applies to having children. Not only are the issues staying, they’re going to get more complicated and complex.” (Brown, 210)
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When we look at our lives and expect that our problems will be fixed by an unknown future, we set ourselves up for a whole lot of heartache. The problem is in the unrealistic expectation. When our expectations are flawed by nature, we are automatically setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment. When our issues are magnified rather than miraculously healed by a life event, we feel let down, frustrated, and maybe even hopeless. Having realistic expectations, on the other hand, can help us to face our problems with more intentionality, and come up with strategies that will actually help us heal rather than magnify our issues.
Now, I am NOT saying that you should always postpone a life step because of issues that you are currently facing. We all have things that we are working through, and by no means should we refuse to make a move towards progress because we don’t feel that we are perfectly ready. Most likely, you will never actually be “perfectly” ready for a major life event! However, as you approach these life-changing steps forward, it is important to evaluate your personal issues, and take steps for addressing them. Learning to face problems where you are at now rather than expecting that they will be fixed later on will help you be more prepared as you move forward in life. Work to communicate, set healthy boundaries, and utilize the resources that you have at your disposal to help you. Furthermore, if you are facing more serious problems such as mental health issues, serious financial problems, marital or relationship discord or domestic abuse, etc., it might be a very good idea to put things on pause, and get help now rather than assuming things will straighten themselves out after your next big life step.
Think about the next life accomplishment that you are working towards (ie. committing to a relationship, graduating with your degree, buying a home, having a child, etc.). What struggles are you facing right now that you would like to address before taking that next step? Write down one thing that you can do this week to help yourself move towards addressing those struggles.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Suicide has been at the forefront of my mind lately, especially with the recent tragic deaths of fashion designer Kate Spade on June 5, and chef Anthony Bourdain on June 8. Nearly every article recently published about this topic shares grim statistics and a list of resources for those struggling to receive help. However, numbers are impersonal, and celebrities sometimes seem abstract—and, it has come to my attention that there is a far greater population that we don’t often talk about: the people who struggle with suicidal ideation and tendencies, and who are here—living, breathing, working, laughing, and struggling with troubling thoughts that most of their friends and family may not be aware of.
For good measure, let’s first look at the numbers.
9.8 million people seriously thought about suicide
2.8 million people made a plan for suicide
1.3 million people attempted suicide
Nearly 45,000 people died from suicide
The number of people who seriously think about suicide is 3.5 times more than those who make a plan for suicide, and over 7.5 times more than those who attempt suicide. In this article, we’ll meet three individuals who struggle with suicidal ideation, who have offered to share their experiences.
*I should note that I know two of these individuals personally (and have had the privilege of getting to know the third through this project), and I had no idea that they have struggled with this. As you read their experiences, keep in mind that their experiences may easily mirror those of your closest friends and family members. You may just not know it yet.
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To protect these individuals’ privacy, I’ll be referring to them as Annie, Megan, and Sarah. All are in their mid-to-late 20’s.
Part 1: Introductions
Annie began having suicidal thoughts when she was around 8 or 9 years old, triggered by family members’ survivalist tendencies and religious beliefs about apocalyptic prophecies, “signs of the times,” and the terrible things that would happen to the wicked people before the second coming of Christ. While the option of suicide was a last resort when she was younger, over time (and through various traumatic events in her life), the option came more quickly and often to the front of her mind. The suicidal thoughts were also heightened through the hormone imbalance PMDD—Pre-menstrual Dysphoric Disorder—a severe form of PMS that includes suicidal ideation as a possible symptom. She has attempted suicide twice.
Megan’s suicidal thoughts began soon after she was married—first through depression, which turned into self-destructive behavior, which quickly escalated into suicidal tendency. Because her suicidal thoughts began shortly after her marriage, both her and her husband struggled thinking the two situations were connected. Over time and with help, they were able to discover that the life change of getting married was a trigger rather than the root of the issue. More on that later in the article!
Sarah has experienced many traumas through her life so far, including feeling like an outcast in her adopted family, being told regularly what a failure and embarrassment she is to her family, and losing her childhood best friend in her senior year of high school. “Losing her hurt the most,” she states. “I have never been the same.” Sarah sought help in November 2015 after not sleeping for a week and was diagnosed bipolar. Shortly after her diagnosis she tried to commit suicide and (gratefully) failed. “I was overwhelmed and just tired of living,” she states. “I had nothing to live for.” She spent 23 days in a psych hospital, after which she attended a 2-month outpatient program. In February 2017 she gave birth to her first child. In December 2017 she overdosed and spent 11 days in the psych hospital.
Part 2: Creating a Team
Annie’s catalyst to seeking help came after she confided in her then-boyfriend. He felt helpless and unsure of how to help, and chose to end the relationship. Annie then decided to find help for her specific issues. She was able to find a therapist who was not only a suicidologist who had experience working with people with suicidal ideation, but also had a knowledge of PMDD. Annie shares, “[My therapist has] been an incredible help to me in not only feeling accepted despite my struggle with suicidal ideation but in working to retrain my mind to take pauses at moments when the thoughts typically arise, using coping statements to move past them, using grounding techniques, meditation, and even yoga.”
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For Megan, help came when she was finally able to admit that she needed help, to recognize and talk about the problem, and then to see a specialist about it. “It took many doctor visits and a lot of time to learn that it was only a trigger — that it wasn’t because of the marriage, but because the huge life change essentially flipped a switch in my brain that started the depression and suicidal tendencies.” She continues, “Sometimes high stress situations will worsen it, but it’s been no different than any other illness that comes and goes randomly. I mean, if you get a cold and put stress on your body it’ll make it worse, but it’s not the root cause. It just happens, and it’s hard to disassociate it without blaming it on things in life or on people.” For Megan, the suicidal tendencies stem from a chemical imbalance, and recognizing that makes it easier for her—and her husband—to handle, and has even brought them closer. Being open about her struggles with those closest to her, and helping people understand that this is an illness, has been one of the best things for her.
Sarah also found outside help. She states, “What’s helped most is speaking to a counselor and just trying to make time for myself. I received a rock in outpatient therapy. It says ‘enough.’ The rock goes everywhere I go. It means more to me than anybody will ever understand. I struggle with self worth and feeling like I’m never enough. That rock constantly reminds me I am.”
While each of these women had their own unique journeys, their common path seems to be finding a therapist or other qualified professional to help them navigate their healing. Each of these professionals have different specialties, backgrounds, and personalities—and these women have found the professional who can best help them in their unique journey.
Part 3: What they’d like friends and family to know
Annie says: “Most people have no idea how to respond when someone confides in them about suicidal ideation. Which I totally get, it can be scary. But even if you don’t outright reject someone when they confide in you, sometimes certain responses can still feel like rejection. More often than not, suicidal thoughts will communicate to the person that they are unloved, are a burden, wouldn’t be missed, have nothing to contribute to the world, etc. and a lot of these thoughts can come from loneliness (at least they often do in my case). So helping that person feel accepted, loved, wanted, and included can make so MUCH of a difference. Being willing and patient enough to reassure someone of this repeatedly (for as long as they need it) can be helpful too.”
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She also notes that there’s a difference between someone who is suicidal and someone struggling with suicidal ideation. While Annie has struggled with suicidal ideation for most of her life, she has only been suicidal 2-3 times. “That’s not to say that suicidal ideation isn’t dangerous,” she notes. “It absolutely can be since it can always escalate. But it is good to know that [suicidal ideation and being suicidal] can be very different so that your immediate response maybe isn’t one of panic or fear but a desire to understand what the other person is actually experiencing so that you can actually help them more effectively.”
I followed up with Annie, asking how someone can recognize whether someone is suicidal as opposed to experiencing suicidal ideation. She said that the line is often different for different people, and can be imperceptible, even to those closest to them. In Annie’s opinion, the best thing someone can do is make sure their friends have access to resources, like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), or the Crisis Text Line (Text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States). You can also sit down with your friend and help them navigate their healthcare options to find a therapist they’d be comfortable with.
Megan emphasizes the importance of recognizing that suicidal tendencies are often the result of chemical imbalances—and that this is a sickness, not a choice. “This is a hard thing to explain to someone who doesn’t struggle with suicidal tendencies, or know of someone who does, because it’s really weird to think of your own mind just doing this to yourself. People will equate it with things they are more familiar with, like the kid they knew in high school who decided life was too hard, or their own occasional depressed feelings after a tough breakup, or what they’ve seen on television and so on. Those are all real life experiences but they differ from suicidal tendency in that it’s solely an illness of the brain, a chemical imbalance, like the way cancerous cells take over the body.” Offering love and support is the best thing you can offer. Megan says, “Never underestimate the power of ‘I am here for you,’ ‘You can do this,’ a holding of the hand, even a smile.”
Sarah echoed these sentiments, adding: “I wish people would be compassionate and give us grace.”
Part 4: For those struggling with suicidal tendencies
Annie was very honest about her current place in this journey: “It absolutely sucks but you’re definitely not alone in this—more people experience this than you realize.” She continues, “Having these thoughts doesn’t mean you’re broken. You always have the power to change them and not to act on them. It might take time and a lot of effort, especially when you’re really struggling, but it’s doable. I’d like to say ‘It gets better,’ but I’m not personally there yet, so I can’t say that I personally know that for sure. I do know that the human mind can accomplish so many surprising things, that it doesn’t feel unreasonable to think that it’s possible to overcome suicidal ideation. I used to feel very certain that suicide would eventually be the end of me. Now, I’m at least somewhat hopeful that, maybe that won’t be the case.”
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On a similar note, Megan says, “For anyone else that might be going through anything similar, I know this is not a helpful thing to hear now but it does get better, always. And do not be afraid to admit it, to be open about it, or to seek help. I remember hearing that while I was on the fence about it, and how much I felt it wasn’t for me. But everything changed for the better almost immediately after I stepped out of that bubble. And, while I still struggle with it sometimes, in hindsight I’m all the better for opening myself to it.”
Sarah offers us a closing declaration: “Don’t give up,” she says. “The journey is hard, but you have a purpose here. You are enough, even on the dark days you don’t see it. If you’re struggling, don’t be scared to reach out for help. Confide in someone you trust and love.”
Part 5: Resources
Thank you so much to these incredible women for sharing their experiences with suicidal ideation. I’m grateful that this conversation is open, and hope that your sharing will help others feel less alone.
Photo by Jonathan Rados on Unsplash
Over the last few weeks, as this topic has become more prevalent in the news and social media, one of the most impactful things I have read is a simple statement: Check on your strong friend.
You can’t always see suicidal thoughts or plans. You can’t always see depression, anxiety, or any other internal struggles. The strongest and happiest people you know may very well be fighting the most difficult battles within them. Show love to everyone. Offer friendship, compassion, and grace to those you know are struggling. Be willing to sit with those who are hurting. And know the resources, just in case.
Conrad, K. J., Bezruczko, N., Chan, Y.-F., Riley, B., Diamond, G., & Dennis, M. L. (2010). Screening for atypical suicide risk with person fit statistics among people presenting to alcohol and other drug treatment. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 106(2–3), 92–100. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.drugalcdep.2009.07.023
Norlev, J., Davidsen, M., Sundaram, V., & Kjøller, M. (2005). Indicators Associated with Suicidal Ideation and Suicide Attempts Among 16-35-Year-Old Danes: A National Representative Population Study. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 35(3), 291–308. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1521/suli.2005.35.3.291
Vasiliadis, H.-M., Lamoureux-Lamarche, C., Pitrou, I., & Berbiche, D. (2020). Sex differences in type of lifetime trauma and suicidal ideation mediated by post-traumatic stress and anxio-depressive disorders in older adults. International Psychogeriatrics, 32(4), 473–483. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1017/S1041610219001893
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
This week, think of something you need help with, and ask your partner to be the one to help you with it!
