Consent can be explained a number of different ways, but just as clear understanding is important for consent, I also believe it is important for how we explain consent. As such, this is my favorite way I have heard consent explained:
“Both partners are 100% flamboyantly, beyond any shadow of a doubt, [in agreement about] what is happening,
And the communication of that, verbal and nonverbal, is clear and constant,
This is consent,
And wrong would be the absence of that, in any context, for any reason.
It would be silence.
It would be ‘I don’t know if this is what I want right now’,
Because maybe that’s not a ‘no’ but it is definitely not a ‘yes’.”
In other words, consent is all about boundaries. Brené Brown defines boundaries as “a clear understanding of what is okay for you and what is not okay for you.” Boundaries can be mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual. Consent is about physical boundaries, including platonic, romantic, and sexual boundaries. And as with all types of boundaries, we need to communicate our own and we need to learn and respect those of others.
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Please note that I said platonic, romantic, and sexual boundaries. While consent is normally entwined with the topic of sex, consent is not just about sex. Consent is about all types of physical contact. For as we each are our own person, we each have the right to bodily integrity: to be free from interference with our bodies. The right to not be assaulted. To not be tortured. To not be experimented upon. The right to not be touched by others if we do not want it, no matter their intentions. After all, not meaning to cause harm does not mean no one will be harmed.
How Consent Can Improve Our Relationships
When we understand the true nature of consent, with its application beyond sexual relationships, we can see where it fits into all relationships, alongside the mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries we each have.
Setting, maintaining, and respecting healthy boundaries are what separate happy and healthy relationships from toxic, dysfunctional relationships. When boundaries are violated, resentment builds and can poison a relationship, interfering with individuals’ ability to love wholeheartedly.
Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash
Openly communicating about our physical boundaries with our friends, family members, and romantic partners invites connection and bonding. It provides an opportunity to gain a better understanding of those we care about and to show our love for them by respecting their boundaries. We can also feel more loved when they respect our boundaries.
Teaching Children about Consent
One of my strongest memories from elementary school is that of a boy named Trevor. Throughout kindergarten and first grade, he would continually harass me, attempting to and force hugs and kisses on me. I would often spend much of recess running away from him. I remember my first-grade teacher trying to teach him that he needed to ask first and then only act if I said yes. It took a long time for Trevor to learn that lesson.
This experience is one of the reasons I strongly believe in teaching consent from birth. Now, saying “from birth” may sound a bit extreme, but let me explain. From infancy, we teach children how to share, how to take turns, how to respect belongings. We consider these to be important life skills. If teaching children to respect things, to not purposefully damage their belongings, is a vital lesson, should it not also be vital to teach them to respect people and their physical boundaries? The younger we start, the better we can instill this respect in our children.
We also need to be teaching our children that they have the right to say no. They can refuse hugs and other physical contact, even from family members and close friends.
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Did you read Rian’s post from November about sexual grooming? 1 in 10 children in the U.S. is sexually abused before age 18. 90% of the time, the abuse is committed by someone in a child’s circle of trust, not a stranger. So when you teach your children that they have the right to personal body space, even with those closest to them, you provide them with extra protection against predators.
This protection extends into adolescence and beyond. Teenage boys and girls consistently report that sexual activity often occurs under pressure (Sparks, 2019). They don’t know how to say no or how to respect when someone else tells them no. In fact, one nationwide study of high school students and young adults found that the overwhelming majority had never been taught how to avoid sexually harassing others or how to cope with sexual harassment. This is a serious problem that can be addressed by teaching children, teens, and young adults about consent – how to enforce their own boundaries and how to respect those of other people. Alongside that, we need to teach children that their bodies do not exist to serve others and other people’s bodies do not exist to serve them. The idea that bodies are objects to be used, rather than people to be respected, is a core belief that contributes to sexual violence and separates sex from its rightful place as part of a happy, healthy relationship.
If we want our children to grow up to have happy, healthy relationships, we need to teach them how to set and respect healthy boundaries. When we take the time to ensure our children understand consent, we are also teaching them “the skills, courage, and respect to communicate with another person about the things that are important to each of them”, and that is setting them up for success in their future relationships (Sparks, 2019).
Pick a relationship where you think physical boundaries are not clearly known and understood by both parties, and have a frank discussion with that person about their boundaries and yours.
References
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. New York: Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of Random House.
Herring, J., & Wall, J. (2017). The nature and significance of the right to bodily integrity. The Cambridge Law Journal, 76(3), 566-588. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0008197317000605
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
