Guest Writers, Power Couples

Overcoming “Good Girl Syndrome”– How Sexual Guilt is Getting in the Way of Your Sex Life 

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Cover photo by Olya Kobruseva

Written by Carlie Palmer-Webb, The Christian Sex Educator

What is “Good Girl Syndrome”? 

I can picture it so clearly in my mind. I’m about 14 and sitting in the Sunday school class for teenage girls. We are having one of many lessons on chastity, specifically waiting until marriage to have sex. I’m curious, but uncomfortable. 
The teacher, doing the best she knows how to help us avoid pre-marital sex, passes a rose around the room. She asks us all to touch the petals, to rub them between our fingers, as we hold the flower. Slowly, as the rose passes from hand to hand, the petals start to wilt and pull from the stem. The oil from our hands and the pressure from the rubbing leaves the petals looking tired and misshapen. 
Photo by Shukhrat Umarov
And then, the metaphor comes. The rose, as you can guess, was compared to us, the young group of girls huddled in the small room. Having sex before marriage, we were taught, would make us like the worn, misshapen rose. We would be dirty and used and unclean. 
Not all of us got the detrimental rose lesson (thank heavens). But most of us who grew up in a conservative religion likely heard similar messages at some point. Parents, teachers, and youth leaders did the best they knew how to help us wait until marriage to have sex. Unfortunately, the fear-based approach to sexual education, combined with other factors, has left many individuals struggling with sexual guilt even after marriage (Peterson, 1964). In fact, research has found that religious individuals, especially religious women, experience higher levels of sexual guilt compared to their non-religious peers (Emmers-Sommer et al., 2018; Leonhardt et al., 2020). 
For individuals who have internalized the message that sex is sinful and dirty, the transition into sexual activity with marriage is challenging. They struggle to enjoy sex with their spouse and experience feelings of shame and discomfort when they try, an experience described by Dr. Laura M. Brotherson as “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.” 
Photo by William Fortunato

Am I experiencing “Good Girl Syndrome”? 

Dr. Brotherson created an assessment to measure one’s experience with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.” Here are a few of the items she provides, which users rate themselves on a scale from 0 (none) to 10 (a lot): 
  1. Underlying belief that sex is bad, wrong, dirty or sinful. 
  2. Inability to relax and let go fully within the sexual experience. 
  3. Unnecessary/inappropriate inhibitions, guilt, shame or awkwardness associated with sexual relations within marriage.
Do any of these statements describe your current experience with sex? Do you struggle to engage in and enjoy your sexual relationship with your spouse because of sexual guilt? 
If so, there is good news and not-so-good news. The good news is that this is something that you can change. Our beliefs and thoughts are malleable, thank heavens, and we can change the way that we view sex. The not-so-good news is that, if you don’t work to make those changes, your relationship will likely suffer. In fact, researchers have found that sexual guilt is directly associated with lower sexual satisfaction (Leonhardt et al., 2020). In other words, if you feel guilty about sex, you are going to have a more difficult time enjoying it with your spouse. 
Photo by Vitor Monthay

How Do I Overcome “Good Girl Syndrome”? 

The first step in addressing sexual guilt is recognizing that the guilt is stemming from your beliefs about sex. If you’re struggling with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome,” that is an indication that at least part of you still believes that sex is wrong, dirty, or sinful. Once you recognize that, you can start to make adjustments in those beliefs. Here are a few things that I would recommend you do as you work to shift negative beliefs about sex: 
  1. Spend some time identifying what negative beliefs about sex you are holding on to. Journaling will be your best friend in this process. Write down any negative thoughts or ideas about sex that come to your mind. And then, decide if you want to keep holding on to any of the beliefs that you have written down. 
  2. Write down more positive, faith-based beliefs about sex that you can work to incorporate into your belief system. Things like, “Sex, sexual desires, and sexual pleasure are gifts from God,” “Sex is a way for me to express and experience love with my spouse,” and “God wants me to enjoy sex.” You can use these and add to them or just come up with some on your own. Make sure that your statements are based in faith and truth, rather than fear. Read these statements often as you work to exchange them for your previous, negative beliefs. 
  3. Seek out faith- and research-based resources to learn about healthy sexual relationships. As you learn more about sexual desire, functioning, and pleasure, you will gain confidence in your sexual relationship with your spouse. The book “The Great Sex Rescue” by Sheila Wray Gregoire and her co-authors is one of the best resources I have found for understanding and working through religious sexual guilt. 
Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva
Changing your beliefs about sex will likely take some time, but it will be so worth it. There is so much potential for joy, connection, pleasure, and love in your sexual relationship with your spouse. As you work to make shifts in your beliefs about and feelings towards sex, you will open yourself up to more of that potential. 
I’m sorry if, like me, you were taught lessons and heard messages that contributed to your negative beliefs about sex. But we are not wilted roses. We are not chewed up gum. We are human beings who are working to create happy, healthy, mutually pleasurable sexual relationships in our marriage. 
And that, my friends, is a very good thing. 
Take some time this week to identify your own feelings about sex. What negative and incorrect beliefs are you holding on to, and what steps can you take to start the process of unlearning them?

References

Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Inspire Book. 
Leonhardt, N. D., Busby, D. M., & Willoughby, B. J. (2020). Sex guilt or sanctification? The indirect role of religiosity on sexual satisfaction. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 213. 
Emmers-Sommer, T. M., Allen, M., Schoenbauer, K. V., & Burrell, N. (2018). Implications of sex guilt: A meta-analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 54, 417– 437. 
Peterson, J. A. (1964). Education for marriage (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Scribner

 

Carlie Palmer-Webb is a gender and sexuality researcher, entrepreneur, enthusiastic Jesus lover, hugger, and The Christian Sex Educator. Originally from Middle of Nowhere, Idaho, she now lives in Vermont with her husband Dallin and their cat Maple. Carlie is a lover of baked goods, volleyball, long naps, and kind humans.
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Project Parent

4 Tips for Talking With Kids About Sex

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Cover photo by Ivan Samkov from Pexels

Written by Rian Gordon
The classic, “Mom/Dad, where do babies come from?” is a question that catches many parents off guard. In fact, research indicates that even though most parents believe this is an important topic to discuss with their children, many have yet do so because they worry that their kids aren’t old enough (Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), that talking about sex may encourage their children to engage in sexual behaviors (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), and that their attempts to tackle this tricky topic won’t be successful (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019). However, as more and more sexually explicit information becomes readily available to children at even younger ages, the more critical it becomes for parents to address this topic with their kids early on. Especially since research supports the idea that parent-child discussions about sex are protective factors against risky sexual behavior (Afifi et al., 2008). 
Photo by Julia M Cameron from Pexels
Luckily, there are things you as a parent can do to help you feel more prepared to answer this question when it comes around, and to help your child feel more prepared and comfortable with the answer. Below, I discuss a few evidence-based recommendations that can help guide you as you seek to navigate discussions surrounding health and sexuality with the young people in your life. 

Deal with Your Own Discomfort

If you want to have successful conversations with your kids about sex, it is important for you to examine your own beliefs surrounding sexuality. Everyone develops their own belief system surrounding the topic of sex based on factors such as when and how the topic was addressed in their home growing up, religious beliefs, and personal sexual relationships and experiences (Hornor, 2004). These beliefs parents hold heavily impact their ability to effectively communicate with children about sex, particularly since kids pick up on the cues parents send when discussing the topic (Afifi et al., 2008). In a qualitative study, Afifi and colleagues (2008) found that adolescents who discussed sex with parents who were more casual and comfortable felt less discomfort and anxiety themselves during the discussion, which in turn resulted in less avoidance of the subject. It can be difficult to speak comfortably and casually, however, if you yourself have negative beliefs about sex. 
PPhoto by Elina Fairytale from Pexels
Because of this, I encourage you to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself, is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider? Becoming self-aware of your own beliefs and then being intentional about which beliefs you would like to pass on to your kiddos can help set you up for success in keeping these important conversations positive and healthy. 

Use Positive Communication Skills

Wilson and colleagues (2010) found that parents were more likely to feel confident discussing difficult topics with their child if they had a strong relationship, so make time to regularly talk and spend time with your kids. Don’t feel the need to create a fanfare or some type of event in order to justify talking with them about sex, or any other topic for that matter. Somers et al. (2019) suggest that speaking more often about sex in particular increases the likelihood of positive communication as well as more comfort with the conversation, so find natural moments to bring up and discuss bodies and sexuality. Great opportunities for this can be bath time, when you or your partner are menstruating, pregnancy, and watching nature shows.
Photo by Humphrey Muleba on Unsplash
Furthermore, when having these conversations, try not to lecture. Somers and colleagues (2019) found that conversations that were dominated by the parent and that did not leave room for questions or open discussion were not only less effective in helping children make healthy sexual decisions later on in life, but were actually correlated with higher amounts of adolescent sex.   

Build Trust Through Honesty

Trust is another essential element in maintaining a strong relationship, and, as Afifi and colleagues (2008) explain, also a key factor in adolescents’ willingness to have conversations with their parents about sex. When parents answer their children’s questions honestly and clearly, kids see them as a trusted resource and are more willing to come to them for sexual information (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can practice honesty in your discussions with your children is by using the correct terminology for body parts. Using correct terminology helps children avoid misunderstandings about bodies and sex and can also help them develop confidence in their bodies and practice body safety (Kenny & Wurtele, 2008). 

Build Confidence

Photo by Sarah Chai from Pexels
Self-efficacy, or the belief that you are capable of accomplishing a task, is another factor linked with more positive discussions between parents and children regarding sexuality (Afifi et al., 2008). A parent who feels more confident that they can successfully discuss sex with their child is more likely to have successful conversations (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can overcome any initial discomfort that you may feel in discussing this tricky topic is through practice! Consider watching yourself in the mirror and paying particular attention to your body language, since that is an immediate giveaway of comfort level. For those of you who are parents with younger children, beginning to have conversations about sex when children are little (even before they can understand what is being said) can also give you more opportunities to practice and get comfortable (Wilson et al., 2010). 
Finally, remember that it is okay for you not to have all the answers. If one of your kids comes to you with a question you aren’t sure how to respond to, it is absolutely appropriate to say something along the lines of, “That is a great question! I don’t have an answer for you right now, but can you give me some time to think about it and we can come back together to talk about it before bed tonight?” Then follow up with them once you have practiced your response. Another option would be to take a moment right then to model some research and critical thinking skills and look up the answer together with your child. Either approach lets your little one know that you value their question, and that they can come to you for truthful answers. 
Photo by Emma Bauso from Pexels
It is likely that even with these suggestions you will not be perfect in having conversations about sex with your kids (heaven knows, I’m not, and I study this for a living!). However, as you gain confidence through practice, build a foundation of trust, and focus on continuing to develop your relationship with your children, you can move forward trusting that what you have to offer will be enough to help your kids move forward towards healthy and happy sexual relationships of their own someday. 
Take some time to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself these questions: Is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider?

References

Afifi, T. D., Joseph, A., & Aldeis, D. (2008). Why can’t we just talk about it?: An observational study of parents’ and adolescents’ conversations about sex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 23(6), 689–721. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558408323841
Hornor, G. (2004). Sexual behavior in children: Normal or not? Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 18(2), 57–64. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0891-5245(03)00154-8
Kenny, M. C., & Wurtele S. K. (2008) Preschoolers’ knowledge of genital terminology: A comparison of English and Spanish speakers. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 3(4), 345-354. https://doi.org/10.1080/15546120802372008
Koren, A. (2019, January 31). Reproductive health for teens: Parents want in too. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(5), 406-413. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2018.1549635 
Somers, C., Avendt, E. and Sepsey, A. (2019). Parent-adolescent sexual dialogue: Does content and approach matter in adolescent sexual attitudes and behaviors? Health Education, 119(3), 215-229. https://doi-org.ezproxy1.lib.asu.edu/10.1108/HE-08-2018-0038
Wilson, E. K., Dalberth, B. T., Koo, H. P., & Gard, J. C. (2010). Parents’ perspectives on talking to preteenage children about sex. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 42(1), 56–63. https://doi.org/10.1363/4205610

 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She is married to her best friend Mark, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
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Power Couples

The Four Sides of Sex

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Cover photo by John Schnobrich on Unsplash

Written by Rian Gordon
Sex is a hot topic (no pun intended) when it comes to today’s relationships. It has a lot of power to strengthen a committed relationship when handled correctly, and it can also do a lot of damage when it’s used incorrectly. And there is actually a lot more to it than just fireworks and body parts. When it comes down to it, the more we understand about the different sides of sex, the more fulfilling and connection-building our sexual relationships can be. 

Side 1: Physical

There’s no denying that sex is a physical experience. Our desire for sex is an innate part of the human experience, based in our biological needs both to reproduce, and to build connections and relationships with others. When preparing for and engaging in sexual activities, our bodies respond in ways that can create immense physical pleasure. Understanding our own pleasure and what we personally enjoy when it comes to our sexual response, and then practicing and learning the same about our partner, are certainly key in having positive and enjoyable sexual experiences. 
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Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels
Here are a few exercises to help you connect to personal pleasure:
  1. Make a list of things that turn you on and things that turn you off
  2. Learn more about the sexual response cycle, sexual “gender norms”, and how you may be similar or different from what is considered to be most common (keep in mind that there is no right or wrong; we all respond differently, and the key is understanding what works best for you)
  3. Spend time exploring your body with or without a partner. Find what feels good for you – what parts of your body create the most physical pleasure for you? What kinds of touch do you enjoy most? 
  4. Reflect on your sense of self-worth, particularly how it is affected by your personal body image. What is your relationship like with your body? Any past “body baggage” you need to work through?
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Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva from Pexels

Side 2: Emotional

Just as our bodies are inherently connected to sex, our emotions are impossible to disconnect from our sexual life. When we engage with someone sexually, oxytocin (also known as the “cuddle hormone”) is released. This creates emotions of connection, trust, attachment, and even love for another person. This is why sex is healthiest and the most satisfying in a committed relationship (and why one-night-stands often leave the participants, particularly the female participants, feeling empty and disappointed). (Birnbaum, et al., 2006; Campbell, 2008; Perel, 2007) 
Not only can sex create these deeply connecting emotions within us, a deep emotional connection, which includes love and respect for your partner, also greatly enhances the sexual experience. It provides the essential emotional safety that allows partners to completely let go of any inhibitions and let themselves be vulnerable together – something vital to fully engaging with our partner sexually. This level of emotional safety and trust also allows partners to be more explorative and free to try new things in their sexual relationship, which can really help keep things interesting after being together for a while. Emotions can also bring added flavor and variety to sexual encounters as you allow for love-making to be more joyful, tender, intense, playful, healing, or even silly (because sometimes sex is just silly, people, #amiright?). 
  1. What helps me feel emotionally connected to my partner? Talk about it together! 
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Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

Side 3: Spiritual

For many, sex is also thought of as a spiritual experience. Sex is an act of creation – both in its potential to create a child, as well as its usefulness in creating and building strong and healthy partner relationships. Apart from our relationships, it can be seen as a symbol of our connection to divinity as potential creators. In our relationships, it can be a symbol of unity, commitment, and total surrender. Interestingly enough, research also supports this idea of the spiritual aspect of sex. In a study looking at the sanctification of sex within marriage (to sanctify something means to make or consider it holy or divine), researchers found “that greater perceived sanctity of marital sexuality robustly predicted greater frequency of sex, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction 1 year after marriage” and that those who believed in the sanctification of sexuality at the beginning of their marriage had less deterioration of sexual and marital satisfaction over time than those who did not sanctify sexuality at the beginning of their marriage. (Hernandez-Kane & Mahoney, 2018) 
Here are some questions to get you thinking about the spiritual side of sex:
  1. What meaning do I assign to sex? Both for my individual sexuality, and sex within the context of a relationship?
  2. How do I define fidelity? Is it important to me? What expectations do I have regarding what it means to be a faithful partner?
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Photo by Ricardo Esquivel from Pexels

Side 4: Mental

Finally, our ability to engage with a partner sexually is heavily affected by what takes place in our minds. Research has shown that the most important sex organ is actually our BRAIN. The brain controls our emotions, our attraction, our arousal, our drive, our pleasure, etc., and therefore, it has a powerful say in what we experience sexually. 
The influence of our brain in sex can be both positive, and problematic. For example, before we even have sex, we develop ideas about it – what it’s for, what it should look like, feel like, or be like, what is appropriate and what is not, etc. These ideas can come from anything from the way our parents talked about sex when we were kids, to what our friends said in school, to what youth leaders taught in church, to what we saw in the movies, to what sexual experiences we have had in the past, to social and gender norms. If you have incorrect, unhealthy, or problematic beliefs about sex, this can make it difficult for you to be able to engage sexually. Distractions, stress, mental health struggles, and trauma can further complicate your ability to connect to yourself and/or a partner through sex.
The good news is, through practice, thought-work, therapy, self-reflection, etc., we have the power to change our philosophies, ideas, and thought patterns surrounding sexuality!
pexels-emma-bauso-3585811
Photo by Emma Bauso from Pexels
An important positive way in which we can use our brains to improve our sexual experiences is through mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being intentionally aware of the present moment while accepting our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations as they are, without judgment. Research has found that more sexually mindful individuals tend to “have better self-esteem, be more satisfied with their relationships and, particularly for women, be more satisfied with their sex lives” (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). Check out this article here for more information on how mindfulness can positively impact our romantic relationships.
Some practices to explore the mental side of sex:
  1. What ideas or philosophies have I learned about sex from society, my parents, religion, the media, etc. that could potentially affect my ability to engage sexually now and/or in the future? 
  2. Practice mindfulness in everyday moments with low emotional stakes so that you can be more mindful in moments where the emotional stakes are higher (like during sex). 
  3. If you have experienced sexual trauma of any kind, don’t be afraid to seek out professional help.
While learning more about our bodies is essential in enhancing our sexual experience, there is SO MUCH MORE to sex than just our physical responses. In fact, our ability to respond physically to sex is just as much determined by what goes on in our minds, hearts, and souls, as it is by our actual physical capacity to perform or respond sexually. The better you come to understand sex as a whole, not just the physical side, the more you will be able to understand and meet your own sexual needs and the needs of your partner.
Personal Practice 1Choose one of the aspects of sex to focus on this week, and complete the exercises listed in this post for that aspect.

References

Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 929-943. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-  3514.91.5.929
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.
Campbell, A. (2008). The Morning after the Night Before: Affective Reactions to One-Night Stands among Mated and Unmated Women and Men. Human Nature, 19(2), 157-173. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12110-008-9036-2
Hernandez-Kane, K. M., & Mahoney, A. (2018). Sex through a sacred lens: Longitudinal effects of sanctification of marital sexuality. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(4), 425–434. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000392
Johnson, S. (2015, July 28). The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy | Dr Sue Johnson | TEDxUOttawa [Video file]. Retrieved August 20, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVijMLH2-k
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.

 

4B3A0538editRian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Guest Writers, Power Couples

The Essence of Being: Using Mindfulness to Enhance Romantic Relationships

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*Cover photo by Derick Santos from Pexels

Written by Ellyse Winward of the BYU School of Family Life and Chelom Leavitt, Ph.D.
Autopilot can creep into a fast-paced life. Sometimes we arrive at home and wonder exactly how we got there. Sometimes we even walk in, kiss our loved one hello, and end up in front of the TV before we realize it. Even when we are trying to be intentional, we may have demanding tasks, emails piling up, and deadlines to fill. We seem to have no time to slow down and go on a walk or spend time chatting. Although we have a desire for a close and vulnerable relationship, the connection with our partner seems to stay a bit stagnant. 
Maybe this fast-paced life, sometimes lived on autopilot, is a practical response for desired “success” and we sense the pressure to fit our lives into the equation of doing more to achieve more. Unfortunately, success in our day is often measured in terms of better and faster, rather than quality of presence. To restore the magic and fan the spark in a romantic relationship, we need to slow down and be present. 
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
This happens when we set aside our to-do list in order to simply talk with and listen to a spouse—when we choose to be mindful and focus more on the essence of being. 
Mindfulness is an awareness of the present without analyzing the past or anticipating the future (Greater Good Science Center, 2020). In other words—it is the essence of being (Richardson, 2011).  It includes aspects of self-awareness, non-judgment, and presence. It’s slowing down. Letting go of distractions. Looking within.
Choosing to slow down can be challenging, since many of us prefer doing to being. One study showed individuals would rather inflict shock to themselves than be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes (Wilson, et al., 2014). That’s how uncomfortable being alone with our thoughts can be—some would rather be shocked than quietly meditate. Perhaps our rapidly advancing society is numbing us from personal and relational awareness (Wygant, 2013). As seen in the illustration below, however, we have a choice to be “mind full” or mindful. 
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Image from https://srwc-mb.ca/mindful/
So how exactly can one slow down? And what impact does it have on romantic relationships?

How Do I Slow Down?

Here are some ways to start slowing down:
Just breathe.
Breath is the center of a meditation practice. Our breath is constant, rhythmic, and relaxing. The breath can act like an anchor in the whirlwind of better and faster (Milliken, 2015). Imagine what would happen if we spent time with our partner just sitting and breathing together, noticing how the breath comes in and what it feels like when it goes out. Listening for how our breath aligns with our partner’s breath. Calm, connection, peace—that’s what this practice of just stopping to breathe can bring to the relationship (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). 
Practice being mindful in everyday moments.
Just like learning to play the piano or perfecting a family recipe, mindfulness improves with practice. Mindfulness is a practice, not a destination (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). The little things in a romantic relationship can be a great start. We can increase awareness when our hand lightly brushes against theirs. We can pay attention when giving our partner a hello kiss. How does it feel to connect after being apart? 
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Photo by fauxels from Pexels
Choose to slow down and pay attention to details (Sommers, 2013). Be present with each other. Remain in a long hug in order to feel their steady breath. Take advantage of simple everyday events to strengthen the ability to be aware and to enjoy the moment. Practicing awareness with the little things allows greater capability for mindfulness and increased enjoyment during high-emotional relational events, such as sex.
Return to a calm state during moments of stress.
The state of being during relational interactions can be more difficult to create than during simple tasks, like brushing our teeth. Actually, heightened emotions are often what encourage us to divert our focus during an intimate moment with our partner (Kimmes, Jaurequi, May, Srivastava, & Fincham, 2018). Negative stresses take their toll and mindfulness can help at those moments. For example, rather than becoming instantly upset when our partner has overspent the monthly budget, we can breathe . . .  calmly expressing feelings and seeking a solution together with both partners relaxed and regulated. 
Mindfulness can draw focus to the present moment. The present contact. The present experience. Letting go of the long to-do list and demands from work and just staying in the current moment with our partner—that could change everything (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010).

What Benefits Can Result?

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Photo by GUIVERG from Pexels
Although mindfulness is something each partner engages in personally, it has a great impact on the relationship—both for each partner individually and for the couple as a whole. Here’s an amazing fact: Research shows one partner’s mindfulness can impact the relational satisfaction for both partners (Khaddouma, Gordon, & Strand, 2017)! Even though we can be mindful without partner buy-in, our partner will likely notice the change in us and may practice a more mindfulness approach to life as well (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). 
And remember, this is a practice so keep trying even when distraction creeps in. It’s difficult to attune to one’s partner when thoughts stray beyond the present moment. Distraction comes in many forms, but however it happens, we can take positive action to shift thoughts. 
One idea that may help to sidestep distraction during partner interactions is to embrace the moment and come home to ourself (Richardson, 2011).  Re-center the breath, scan the body for tension, and find an inner connection in the body to anchor to. Choose to honor ourselves first. Diana Richardson shed light on this idea:
“When you honor yourself first, you stoke your own fire. You don’t depend on someone else to do it for you, and neither does your partner. The two individual fires join, they augment and enhance each other, and fueled by awareness, flames rise in splendid unison.” (Richardson, 2011)
Settling into our own body can bring a sense of self-empowerment. By doing so, we choose to be calm and redirect our awareness. Self-direction allows us to bring more to the relationship than simply relying on our partner to calm us (Schnarch, 2009).
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Photo by Andi Risam Triangga from Pexels
A greater connection with one’s partner can be realized through these suggestions since practicing mindfulness shifts the whole approach to daily living (Sommers, 2013). One is less reactive and more calm. Less judgmental and more accepting. Experiencing fewer barriers and feeling more freedom and safety. All of this leads to a greater ability to be who we really are—and accept our partner as they really are (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). Might sound too good to be true, but it actually works.
Slowing down and shifting autopilot to awareness could be the next stepping stone on the path to a close and vulnerable relationship. So, start practicing mindfulness. Calm the mind. Calm the heart. Tune into the beautiful connections within the relationship. 
Create a new essence of being for you and your relationship. 
Personal Practice 1This week, choose one way to practice mindfulness in everyday moments.

References

Greater Good Science Center. (2020, March 28). What is mindfulness? Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition
Khaddouma, A., Gordon, K. C., & Strand, E. B. (2017). Mindful mates: A pilot study of the relational effects of mindfulness‐based stress reduction on participants and their partners. Family Process, 56, 636-651
Kimmes, J. G., Jaurequi, M. E., May, R. W., Srivastava, S., & Fincham, F. D. (2018). Mindfulness in the context of romantic relationships: Initial development and validation of the relationship mindfulness measure. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 44(4), 575.
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497–509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
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Pruitt, I. T., & McCollum, E. E. (2010). Voices of experienced meditators: The impact of meditation practice on intimate relationships. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32, 135–154. https://doi.org/10.1007/ s10591-009-9112-8
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Chelom-600x401Chelom Leavitt received her Ph.D. from Penn State. She studies healthy sexuality in committed relationships and focuses on how mindfulness during sex may be associated with positive outcomes for both men and women. Dr. Leavitt’s recent publications include cross-cultural work on sexual mindfulness, women’s sexual response cycles, and a study examining the role of orgasm in sexual and relational satisfaction for men and women.

 

IMG_2700_Original[1]Ellyse Winward is currently studying Elementary Education at BYU with a Family Life minor. In July 2019, she was introduced to the book Sexual Wholeness in Marriage by Drs. Busby, Carroll, and Leavitt which subsequently changed her life. Ellyse has developed a passion for learning and talking about healthy sexuality and mindfulness. She has loved learning from and working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Ellyse firmly believes mindfulness has the ability to better connect us with ourselves and the people around us and can really be a small thing that makes all the difference!
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Power Couples

7 Components of Great Sex

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Written by Emma Smith
We’ve all seen the tabloids at the grocery store checkout, “best sex of your life!!!” or “positions that will make him hot” and other variations of the same message that are frequent attention grabbers on the covers of Cosmopolitan magazine and others of the like. What really constitutes great sex though? Sexual positions? Let’s be honest, not all of us are Olympic gymnasts so there are really only so many variations of the same basic, and frankly more comfortable, positions. Is it the number of orgasms? What is it?
Researchers have asked this same question and the results might surprise you. Great sex has only a little to do with orgasm and nothing to do with exotic sex positions. The researchers found that “great sex” is composed of seven major components with two minor components or considerations (Kleinplatz et al., 2009).
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Component #1: Being Present, Focused, and Embodied

The first and most commonly reported component identified was “being present, focused and embodied” during the sexual experience (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). In other words, don’t be thinking about the pile of dishes in the sink or how the lawn needs to be mowed or about problems at work. Be present. Be mentally there as you engage in the experience of sex with your loved one. 

Component #2: Connection, Alignment, and Being in Synch

This implies a depth of connection. That’s right, hook-ups probably aren’t going to result in truly great sex, but sex in a relationship where you have invested time, energy, and emotion will. In order to create this deep connection, Dr. Sue Johnson has prescribed caregiving and attention to one’s spouse or partner (Johnson & Zucarini, 2010). It may seem simplistic but it rings true; time, investment, and care for one another serve to deepen emotional connections which then intensify the sexual experience.
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Component #3: Deep Sexual and Erotic Intimacy

While this component may sound a bit more predictable, what does it actually mean though apart from engaging in sex? In the study, one woman described this as feeling “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished” by her husband (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). It is one thing to be “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished” in general and it is another thing to receive that kind of devotion in the sexual sphere. Sex is deeply personal and one of the very most intimate acts we can engage in as human beings, demonstrating acceptance and devotion to one’s partner in sex creates a deeper kind of intimacy.

Component #4: Extraordinary Communication and Heightened Empathy

It might be that you and your partner feel this deep emotional and sexual connection to one another but there is no way of knowing and trusting in that without extraordinary communication and heightened empathy. So what is it that makes communication extraordinary? The study described this superior form of communication as a couple’s “complete sharing of themselves, both verbally and non-verbally, with their partners before, during and after sexual encounters” (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy and satisfaction have shown to be deeply connected (Yoo et al., 2014); sharing your feelings and personal experiences with your partner are a great way to heighten your emotional connection. It is also important to recognize that this kind of complete sharing also requires a complete form of listening and acceptance.
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Component #5: Being Authentic, Genuine, Transparent and Uninhibited

While this concept may seem similar to the complete sharing of extraordinary communication, it differs in the way that it is a feeling of freedom to be yourself with your partner rather than an act of communication.  This can come in many forms such as confidence in your partner’s love for you, trust that your partner does find you attractive, or a self-assurance that you are a competent lover. True authenticity in couple and sexual relationships enables the couple to “let go” during the sexual experience and freely enjoy it for what it is.

Component #6: Exploration, Interpersonal Risk-Taking, and Fun

I think that far too often in life we forget to have fun and enjoy the moments we are in. Dr. Sue Johnson once called sex a “safe adventure” (Johnson, 2015) and it’s true; when we have invested time and energy and love into a relationship, we are free to enjoy the safe adventure of sex. Take the time to explore with one another. Is there something that you’ve always wanted to try? Suggest it to your partner! Is there a new position you heard about? Suggest it and try it if your partner is willing. Enjoy the experience and allow yourself to let go and feel comfortable in doing so.

Component #7: Vulnerability and Surrender

In my opinion, being vulnerable is one of the hardest things to do. On vulnerability researcher Brené Brown has said, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control of the outcome… it’s not a weakness; it’s the greatest measure of courage.” True vulnerability allows us to let go of ourselves into the hands of another person and creates a couple-focused approach to the sexual experience. 
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The two minor elements of great sex are orgasm and “chemistry” or physical attraction to one another. So much emphasis is placed on these two factors in the tabloids and in books and movies, but the research has shown that they are barely contributing factors. The good news in all of this is that the most important components of great sex are things we can work to CREATE. We can work as couples to be present in the sexual experience, we can work to become more aligned, we can work to improve our communication and listening skills, we can work on being authentic and being ourselves. We don’t have to wish for better sexual chemistry or hope for an intense orgasm to have a great and bonding sexual experience.
Personal Practice 1Discuss this article with your partner and analyze your sexual relationship. Choose one component of great sex that you can improve on this week with your partner.
Not currently sexually active? Consider choosing a component that you can practice NOW either on your own, or in one of your relationships, such as being present, strengthening communication, or empathy.

References

Johnson, S. (2015, July). Ted Talk. TED Talk. Ottawa. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVijMLH2-k 
Johnson, S. & Zuccarini, D. (2010). Integrating sex and attachment in emotionally focused couple therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 36(4), 431-445.
Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, D. A., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009) The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 18(1-2), 1-13.
Yoo, H., Bartle-Haring, S., Day, R. D., & Gangamma, R. (2014). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275–293. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072

 

 

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Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
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