Battling mental illness is a family experience: shared together, but suffered individually. “Families describe that often, it is not the family member with the illness who suffers the most, but rather it is other family members” (Marshall, 2010).
Maintaining relationships through mental health battles can be difficult for anyone involved – the one with the mental illness, and the one(s) loving the one with the mental illness. There are unique struggles that each person faces, but I’m here to tell you that no matter what they are, a relationship – of any kind – can persist even when someone’s mental health is at an all-time low.
Despite a recent effort to de-stigmatize mental illnesses, many people still face stereotyping, rejection, status loss, discrimination, and low power (Link and Phelan 2001) due to their mental health struggles. I myself have been told by a (now former) friend – who also has depression, mind you – that I was too sad to be around. These kinds of statements are extremely detrimental and unfortunately, are fairly common among those with a mental illness.
I hate to admit that I have even found myself judging someone else’s mental health in comparison to mine. If I’m able to do X despite my diagnoses, why can’t they? Can we just collectively agree that mental illness is as real and valid as physical illness? Not only that, but it impacts people differently, and different individuals respond to different treatments. That’s one of the hardest things about mental illnesses: they are different in everyone.
Relationships can help heal.
You are never alone in your suffering. Even if everyone experiences mental illnesses in different ways, there are people who understand what you’re going through. Families especially “can have a significant impact on their relative’s recovery” (McFarlane, Dixon, Lukens, & Lucksted, 2003, p. 224). And that’s why familial support is so important – sometimes, they’re the most important resource for an individual who is struggling.
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Here are some ideas on how to support someone with a mental illness (for more ideas specific to supporting a romantic partner living with mental illness, check out another one of our posts here):
Set boundaries! This can be difficult, but it will benefit both you and the one struggling in the long run. Whether this means having a boundary on the amount of time you’re willing to share, or just being allowed to say “no” to someone, boundaries help create a stable relationship.
Give them the opportunity to talk and open up but don’t press. Offer your support. Specifically ask, “How can I help you?”
Find out if they are getting the care that they need. Connect them to help if needed. Assist them in researching doctors, medications, therapists, non-traditional remedies, etc.
Reassure them that you care about them and are there for them. Show them respect, compassion, and empathy.
Continue to invite them to things without being overbearing. A lot of the time, people like to feel included even if they aren’t feeling up to doing things.
Relationships can become stronger than ever.
At some points, one person may be giving more than taking, and one may be taking more than giving; but for a relationship to flourish, both partners have to give and take. You need someone who will stand by your side, love you, and give you help when you need it. And you need someone who can trust you to do the same for them. You don’t need to hide who you are. You don’t need to be afraid to ask for help. And you don’t need to settle for anyone who doesn’t think the sun shines out of your heart, because regardless of your struggles, it really does.
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One of the most important things that I learned in my undergraduate education is that families can bounce back from anything, and can find resilience (ie. the capacity to recover from difficulty) that helps them be stronger than they ever were before (Walsh, 2016). It almost makes me grateful for trials – knowing the power they have to bring us together and strengthen our bonds. A family setting is a perfect place for individuals to practice learning how to be resilient, and to learn how to foster close relationships that will help them get through the tough times.
Here are a few tips for building family resilience:
Practice connecting: Dr. Ann Masten has said, “Much of resilience, especially in children, but also throughout the life span, is embedded in close relationships with other people. Those relationships give you a profound sense of emotional security and the feeling that someone has your back, because they do.” (Southwick, et. al, 2014) Families give us the opportunity to learn how to connect with each other. Parents can model positive connection both with each other and with their children. As children interact with their parents and siblings, they can learn through trial and error how to create and nurture positive relationships.
Practice failing: When it comes to resilience, learning how to fail without your world falling apart is a must. Failure is something that we encounter throughout our everyday lives in both small and big ways, and the family is a perfect place for us to develop a positive relationship with failure. At the dinner table, instead of asking, “what did you do today?”, try asking, “what was something you failed at today, and what did you learn from it?” Get rid of the shame surrounding failure, and teach your family how to learn from it!
Practice positivity: Gratitude and thankfulness can be an important part of building resilience in individuals and families. It helps us to move through difficulties and focus on the growth that comes from them. Finding opportunities in any situation to practice gratitude isn’t just holding on to a silver lining, it is actually actively changing your brain and inviting more positivity into your life. As a family, practice recognizing what you have to be grateful for, and share in that gratitude together.
Mental illness can both affect our relationships, and in turn, be altered by them. It is up to us to decide whether we allow them to push us apart, or bring us closer.
Think of someone you know that has a mental illness – maybe it’s you! Ponder how your relationships have changed because of mental health and reflect on what you can do to help them become stronger than ever.
References
Link, Bruce G., Elmer L. Struening, Sheree Neese-Todd, Sara Asmussen, and Jo C. Phelan. 2001. ‘‘The Consequences of Stigma for the Self-Esteem of People with Mental Illnesses.’’ Psychiatric Services 52:1621–26.
Marshall, A., Bell, J. M., & Moules, N. J. (2010). Beliefs, Suffering, and Healing: A Clinical Practice Model for Families Experiencing Mental Illness. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 46(3), 197–208. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-6163.2010.00259.x
Southwick, S. M., Bonanno, G. A., Masten, A. S., Panter-Brick, C., & Yehuda, R. (2014). Resilience definitions, theory, and challenges: interdisciplinary perspectives. European journal of psychotraumatology, 5, 10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338. https://doi:10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338
Walsh, F. (2016). Applying a Family Resilience Framework in Training, Practice, and Research: Mastering the Art of the Possible. Family Process, 55(4), 616–632. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12260
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
Written by Family Finance Researcher, Ashley B. LeBaron
If you were to ask the average person on the street, “What is the #1 thing you and your partner fight about?”, chances are good that they would say, “Money.” (They might also say, “Sex,” but we’ll save that for another day.) My job is to figure out why, what this means for you, and what you can do about it. Hi! I’m Ashley, and I’m a family finance researcher. I study how money and family relationships impact each other.
A couple years ago I was listening to a lecture on feminism (btw, I’m a feminist, and I’m pretty sure you are too—we’ll come back to that) and had a lightbulb moment: Is power part of the reason why money—particularly how couples handle their money—has such an effect on couple relationships?
With help from four incredible co-authors and friends (Erin K. Holmes, Jeremy B. Yorgason, E. Jeffrey Hill, and David B. Allsop), I conducted a study that explored whether four couple financial processes (individual income, whether couples had a joint bank account, the extent to which couples managed their money as a team, and how often couples fought about money) would predict relationship quality and relationship stability. I also explored whether relational power would explain why the couple’s financial processes predicted relationship outcomes. In other words, I tested whether financial processes affect the power each partner feels they have in their relationship and whether that power then goes on to affect relationship outcomes.
Before I tell you what I found, let’s first address the elephant in whatever room you’re currently sitting in.
Feminism.
Some of you are already proud, self-proclaimed feminists, and right now your internal voice is going, “Mmhm, preach.” For others of you, the very word might make you feel uncomfortable and defensive, like you’re about to be attacked by a mob of angry, bra-burning women who will blame you personally for every injustice that’s ever been committed. Go ahead and relax—I am not that mob. When I google “define feminism,” here’s what it spits out: “the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.” Sure, there are different types of feminism. But most feminists are not trying to take over the world and make you feel less than in the process; they’re just trying to help people have an equal opportunity and voice, regardless of whether people have two X chromosomes or an X and a Y. They’re saying, “Hey, I believe women and men are equals. But sometimes, people aren’t treated that way. Let’s do something about it.” I am so grateful for the women before me who recognized their worth and were brave enough to stand up and demand basic rights so that today a woman like me can do things like vote, own land, and be a professor. To someone who listens to and seeks to truly understand others, feminism isn’t scary—it’s a call for equal partnership.
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Power.
Let’s also address the word power. To some of you, this might be another one of those scary, ugly-sounding words. Just like the way I feel about feminism has changed, though, the way I feel about power has changed, too. When people use their own power to hurt or take away the power of others, it becomes an ugly thing. Power can be misused. But isn’t it wonderful to see those who once felt powerless become empowered? In relationships, power can be defined as the say or influence that each partner feels they have in their relationship. In other words, to what extent do they feel like an equal partner in their relationship? Research has shown that the highest quality relationships are those in which both partners feel empowered. (That makes perfect sense to most feminists, who want equal power for women and men.) In other words, a great marriage is two people with lots of power. As long as bothpartners have equal power, power isn’t bad—it facilitates equal partnership.
Okay, so hopefully you’re convinced that feminism and power can provide important insights into what an equal partnership looks like. Now, back to the research study: Can feminism help us answer the question Why does money impact couple relationships so much? Is part of the answer power?
Well, simply put (and believe me—with statistics, it’s never actually simple), we were right! Couple financial processes did predict relationship outcomes, and power was part of the reason why. Healthy couple financial processes (stick with me for a second, and I’ll give you some examples) maximize each partner’s relational power, and relational power seems to be what is actually affecting relationship outcomes.
So what?
So, why does money matter so much in couple relationships? Because how couples handle their money can either empower both partners, or it can diminish the power of one or both partners. (Thanks, feminism!) When both spouses are involved in financial processes, partners tend to be more empowered, and relationship quality and stability tend to be higher.
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So, what do these findings mean for you? You get to decide! Power and equal partnership will mean different things in every relationship. However, here are three research-supported steps that you might consider taking to help you better manage finances as a couple:
Have joint bank accounts – Having access to money is empowering and facilitates transparency between partners. Pooling resources can also be symbolic–you are a team.
Co-manage your money as a team – Make money decisions together and be on the same page about income, expenditures, retirement plans, etc. This demonstrates your equality and partnership.
Easier said than done? So are many of the most important things in life. It’ll take effort. But your relationship will be stronger because of it! Let your financial processes be one of the ways you demonstrate your equal partnership and, therefore, the love and respect and trust you share.
This week, have a discussion about finances with your partner. Do you feel that you are an equal partner when it comes to money-management in your relationship? What changes do you feel you should make together?
References
Britt, S. L., Hill, E. J., LeBaron, A. B., Lawson, D. R., & Bean, R. A. (2017). Tightwads and spenders: Predicting financial conflict in couple relationships. Journal of Financial Planning, 30(5), 36–42.
Conroy, A. A., McGrath, N., van Rooyen, H., Hosegood, V., Johnson, M. O., Fritz, K., Marr, A., Ngubane, T., & Darbes, L. A. (2016). Power and the association with relationship quality in South African couples: Implications for HIV/AIDS interventions. Social Science & Medicine, 153, 1–11. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.socscimed.2016.01.035
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. New York: Guilford.
Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Emotion-focused couples therapy: The dynamics of emotion, love, and power. American Psychological Association. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/11750-000
Knudson-Martin, C. (2013). Why power matters: Creating a foundation of mutual support in couple relationships. Family Process, 52(1), 5– 18.
LeBaron, A. B., Holmes, E. K., Yorgason, J. B., Hill, E. J., & Allsop, D. B. (2018). Feminism and couple finance: Power as a mediator between financial processes and relationship outcomes. Sex Roles, 81(3-4), 140-156. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-0986-5
Pahl, J. (1995). His money, her money: Recent research on financial organisation in marriage. Journal of Economic Psychology, 16(3), 361-376. https://doi.org/10.1016/0167-4870(95)00015-g
Yodanis, C., & Lauer, S. (2007). Managing money in marriage: Multilevel and cross-national effects of the breadwinner role. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(5), 1307-1325. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00449.x
Ashley LeBaron is a doctoral student in Family Studies and Human Development at the University of Arizona. Her research focus is family finance, including couple finance and financial socialization. Ashley was valedictorian for the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences at Brigham Young University in 2016 and Graduate Student of the Year for the Utah Council on Family Relations in 2018.
Consent can be explained a number of different ways, but just as clear understanding is important for consent, I also believe it is important for how we explain consent. As such, this is my favorite way I have heard consent explained:
“Both partners are 100% flamboyantly, beyond any shadow of a doubt, [in agreement about] what is happening,
And the communication of that, verbal and nonverbal, is clear and constant,
This is consent,
And wrong would be the absence of that, in any context, for any reason.
It would be silence.
It would be ‘I don’t know if this is what I want right now’,
Because maybe that’s not a ‘no’ but it is definitely not a ‘yes’.”
In other words, consent is all about boundaries. Brené Brown defines boundaries as “a clear understanding of what is okay for you and what is not okay for you.” Boundaries can be mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual. Consent is about physical boundaries, including platonic, romantic, and sexual boundaries. And as with all types of boundaries, we need to communicate our own and we need to learn and respect those of others.
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Please note that I said platonic, romantic, and sexual boundaries. While consent is normally entwined with the topic of sex, consent is not just about sex. Consent is about all types of physical contact. For as we each are our own person, we each have the right to bodily integrity: to be free from interference with our bodies. The right to not be assaulted. To not be tortured. To not be experimented upon. The right to not be touched by others if we do not want it, no matter their intentions. After all, not meaning to cause harm does not mean no one will be harmed.
How Consent Can Improve Our Relationships
When we understand the true nature of consent, with its application beyond sexual relationships, we can see where it fits into all relationships, alongside the mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries we each have.
Setting, maintaining, and respecting healthy boundaries are what separate happy and healthy relationships from toxic, dysfunctional relationships. When boundaries are violated, resentment builds and can poison a relationship, interfering with individuals’ ability to love wholeheartedly.
Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash
Openly communicating about our physical boundaries with our friends, family members, and romantic partners invites connection and bonding. It provides an opportunity to gain a better understanding of those we care about and to show our love for them by respecting their boundaries. We can also feel more loved when they respect our boundaries.
Teaching Children about Consent
One of my strongest memories from elementary school is that of a boy named Trevor. Throughout kindergarten and first grade, he would continually harass me, attempting to and force hugs and kisses on me. I would often spend much of recess running away from him. I remember my first-grade teacher trying to teach him that he needed to ask first and then only act if I said yes. It took a long time for Trevor to learn that lesson.
This experience is one of the reasons I strongly believe in teaching consent from birth. Now, saying “from birth” may sound a bit extreme, but let me explain. From infancy, we teach children how to share, how to take turns, how to respect belongings. We consider these to be important life skills. If teaching children to respect things, to not purposefully damage their belongings, is a vital lesson, should it not also be vital to teach them to respect people and their physical boundaries? The younger we start, the better we can instill this respect in our children.
We also need to be teaching our children that they have the right to say no. They can refuse hugs and other physical contact, even from family members and close friends.
Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash
Did you read Rian’s post from November about sexual grooming? 1 in 10 children in the U.S. is sexually abused before age 18. 90% of the time, the abuse is committed by someone in a child’s circle of trust, not a stranger. So when you teach your children that they have the right to personal body space, even with those closest to them, you provide them with extra protection against predators.
This protection extends into adolescence and beyond. Teenage boys and girls consistently report that sexual activity often occurs under pressure (Sparks, 2019). They don’t know how to say no or how to respect when someone else tells them no. In fact, one nationwide study of high school students and young adults found that the overwhelming majority had never been taught how to avoid sexually harassing others or how to cope with sexual harassment. This is a serious problem that can be addressed by teaching children, teens, and young adults about consent – how to enforce their own boundaries and how to respect those of other people. Alongside that, we need to teach children that their bodies do not exist to serve others and other people’s bodies do not exist to serve them. The idea that bodies are objects to be used, rather than people to be respected, is a core belief that contributes to sexual violence and separates sex from its rightful place as part of a happy, healthy relationship.
If we want our children to grow up to have happy, healthy relationships, we need to teach them how to set and respect healthy boundaries. When we take the time to ensure our children understand consent, we are also teaching them “the skills, courage, and respect to communicate with another person about the things that are important to each of them”, and that is setting them up for success in their future relationships (Sparks, 2019).
Pick a relationship where you think physical boundaries are not clearly known and understood by both parties, and have a frank discussion with that person about their boundaries and yours.
References
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. New York: Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of Random House.
Herring, J., & Wall, J. (2017). The nature and significance of the right to bodily integrity. The Cambridge Law Journal, 76(3), 566-588. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0008197317000605
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
Let’s be honest, talking to kids about sex is hard! It can be awkward, and tough to know how to handle a topic that some couples aren’t even comfortable discussing with each other (if this is you, we need to talk). We’ve previously posted some guidelines to help you have healthier conversations with your kids about their bodies and sexuality, but today, I’d like to focus on one essential point that we often forget to mention when we are talking to our kids about this topic:
SEX IS GOOD.
Let me say that again – sex is a wonderful, helpful, beautiful, GOOD thing that should be a regular part of our marriages! Sex gives committed couples the opportunity to get to know each other better, to connect physically, emotionally, and even spiritually, and to have fun exploring and deepening their relationship. Not to mention, it has the amazing power to bring children into the world!
Photo by Ádám Szabó on Unsplash
When we fail to help our kids understand the positive power of their sexuality and how it can benefit their committed relationships, we run the risk of them missing out on all of the amazing things that a good sexual relationship can bring to their lives.
Many parents hope that their children will wait until marriage to become sexually active. To be honest, this is what I hope for my kids! There are so many emotional and physical benefits to sexual exclusivity (lower risk for STD’s, deeper trust and connection over time, emotional safety, even better sex). But unfortunately, this hope can often skew a parent’s view on how they should talk with their kids about sex. Parents often either heavily emphasize the “don’ts” associated with sex, or they avoid discussing anything but the bare minimum when it comes to their children’s bodies. They think that if they talk to their kids about the good side of sex, it will make them just want to go out and have sex with everyone. But research has actually shown the opposite. When parents have healthy discussions about sexuality with their kids, and put that sexuality in the context of healthy committed relationships, kids are actually more likely to value sex and the power that it can have in their relationships, as well as make healthier sexual decisions. On the other hand, avoiding the topic, or only focusing on the negative consequences of premarital sex only creates fear and shame surrounding anything connected to sexuality – something that can seriously hinder a person’s ability to perform sexually later on in an appropriate setting.
For parents who aren’t as concerned about their children waiting for marriage, talking about the context of healthy committed relationships is still vital. While consent, safe sex, and gender identity are all important parts of conversations regarding sexuality, helping children understand the positive power that sex can have in strengthening their relationships will help set them up for sexual success.
Photo from pexels.com
So how do we help our kids understand that sex is good without encouraging them to be promiscuous? Context is the key. If we talk to our kids about how sex is a wonderful and powerful thing that can really benefit and enhance our marriages, and help them to understand why they should wait to have sex, they are far more likely to want to make that choice themselves.
So whenever you discuss sex with your children (which should be frequently as they mature physically and emotionally), make sure that they know that sex is a positive thing! It can express deep love and commitment, and can bring you so much closer to the person you choose to spend your life with. As you help them to know that their bodies are beautiful and powerful, you empower your children to make wiser choices about their personal sexuality. And when the time comes for them to share that part of themselves with someone they love, knowing that sex is a good thing will make those experiences all the more meaningful for them.
Think about and write down a few of the reasons why sex is important to you. How can it strengthen your own relationship? Developing in your self a belief that sex is positive is the first step to helping your children have a healthy relationship with their own sexuality.
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). The man’s guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the “love lab” about what women really want. New York City, NY: Rodale Books.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.
Shoop, D. M., & Davidson, P. M. (1994). AIDS and adolescents: The relation of parent and partner communication to adolescent condom use. Journal of Adolescence, 17(2), 137-148. http://dx.doi.org/10.1006/jado.1994.1014
Stone, N., & Ingham, R. (2002). ‘Factors affecting British teenagers’ contraceptive use at first intercourse: The importance of partner communication. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 34(4), 191–197
Wellings, K., Nanchahal, K., Macdowall, W., McManus, S., Erens, B., Mercer, C. H., et al. (2001). Sexual behaviour in Britain: Early heterosexual experience. The Lancet, 358, 1843–1850.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Ah, the magic of Christmas! Close your eyes and think about it. What comes to your mind? I see my family decorating the house with lights, cookie jars, Christmas figurines, and of course putting the ornaments on the tree with care. I hear myself caroling with church members in the back of a trailer as we look at the beautiful lights around the neighborhood. I can smell the cookies baking in the oven my mother is making for her annual cookie exchange. Can you almost taste the hot cocoa and egg nog? I know I can’t help but be filled with joyful nostalgia as I contemplate these wonderful memories. What makes these memories so sweet? The answer is simple: it is the rituals associated with them.
Rituals are traditions, celebrations, or any repeated behavior that helps convey your identity or personal values. Rituals bring a sort of magic that help us transcend the “here and now” to focus on what is really important. They generate warm and nostalgic memories for family members who then pass them down across multiple generations. Think back to the favorite Christmas you pictured above. Can you think of any holiday rituals in that experience? These are things like selecting a Christmas tree, performing acts of service, gift exchanges, family dinners, etc. Remember, rituals are not just regular habits or routines; they hold special meaning and tell us something about the values our families cherish. When practiced on a regular basis, we can feel and experience the magic of Christmas all year-round!
Why are rituals important?
Research shows that rituals are associated with many positive outcomes for parents and children alike. For example, children whose parents hold rituals tend to undergo earlier development than those who don’t. Teenagers, who often experience family conflict during their years of identity exploration, feel increased love and trust from parents who host regular rituals. Adolescents in families who maintain rituals also show increased identity cohesion, meaning they feel secure and confident with their identity and the way others view them. Finally, rituals are associated with increased marital satisfaction for both member of the relationship. It appears that nearly every family member can benefit from the practice of rituals.
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I believe another wonderful benefit of rituals is that they have a unique ability to transport us, as a family, to a moment frozen in time. Whatever your problems are, they can be set aside and momentarily forgotten as you participate in a tradition. Children stop bickering and parents forget about the stresses of life as they come together to repeat the family ritual. Why is this?
Dr. Martin V. Cohen, Ph.D., associate director of the Marital and Family Therapy Clinic at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, explained it this way:
“Children find a certain security and solace in something that gives a sense of belonging and comfort. Kids find rituals fascinating—artistically, spiritually, and emotionally.”
I think his quote applies to us all. No matter the age, we all crave the security that comes from belonging to our family members. Rituals are fascinating because they are familiar, bring out the values we hold dear, and unite siblings and parents alike in creating a beautiful memory together.
Unfortunately, many of us struggle with maintaining or adapting rituals in the midst of everyday life. These times include periods of transition (moving out of your parents’ home, getting married, having children, becoming empty nesters, etc) and stress (financial hardship, divorce, mental illness, etc). This recalibration may be difficult, but simply requires conscious thought towards prolonging and adapting your family traditions.
Creating Rituals
The beautiful thing about rituals is that they are NEVER too late to start. Regardless of the stage of life you or your family members are in, joy and family unity can be found through creating and practicing rituals. The holiday season may arguably be the easiest time to consider your family traditions and take the time to create some new ones.
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Questions to Consider when creating rituals:
What values and beliefs do I hold?
What characteristics am I trying to obtain?
What is most important to me and why?
What traits or beliefs would I like to pass down to my children?
What activities, foods, or events do I enjoy?
What times would work best? If I feel busy, what can I sacrifice in my schedule in order to promote rituals in my family?
One easy way to create a ritual is add special meaning to an already established routine.
For example, most families have a specific order of events for putting the children to bed. During the holiday season, spruce it up with holiday cheer! Play Christmas songs while cleaning up after dinner, put red and green bath bombs in the tub for your children to enjoy, or read holiday stories before bed. Remember to include your family members in on the decision-making process of the ritual.
Long to-do list? Try to add some special meaning to one of your tasks. Involve friends and family members.
When you go to wrap the presents, involve your family members! Turn it into a game to see who can wrap the neatest present, sing carols as you work, or tell stories about your ancestors. It may add a few minutes to your to-do list, but the increased family unity and growing smiles will be worth it.
Photo from pexels.com
Adapting Rituals
“Routines and rituals evolve and do not just appear in full form—they take work.”
Don’t be afraid of the work! Here are some tips to help.
Tips during times of transition/stress:
Moved away from home? If you are able to, find time to participate in rituals with your family. Skype and FaceTime are great tools for this! Find ways to bring your favorite family traditions into your current life with friends, roommates, or coworkers. You’d be surprised how much joy decorating a tiny apartment while listening to Christmas music can bring to your life, even if it only takes a fraction of the time it used to take at home with your family.
Newlywed? Openly communicate with your spouse what rituals are important to your family and why. Learn about theirs and talk about ways you can meld some of your rituals together. Make sure to come up with some new ones of your own, as well! Don’t feel like you need a large list of rituals right when you get married. Many will naturally come as you experience life together. Just make sure to consider your rituals every so often. The holidays are a great time to do so.
In the thick of parenthood? Be willing to adapt your rituals to the needs of your children. Caroling all night in the cold with a baby might not be the best idea. Carol to a neighbor or two earlier in the evening. What do your children enjoy? What will promote fun instead of bickering or ruthless competition? Remember to focus on the values you hold dear.
Financial hardship? Look for free or low-cost ways to participate during the holiday season. Your family members will probably appreciate the tradition itself regardless of the money you spend to produce it.
Stressed or dealing with mental illness? Don’t focus on completing all family rituals with perfection. Select one or two, simplify them, and focus on being present in the moment. Traditions are intended to bring you closer to family members and remind you of who you are. You can also create new rituals that center on building yourself up or mental self-care. For example, create a new tradition where you take an evening to pamper yourself and watch a Hallmark movie!
Final Thoughts
As you with your family strive throughout the entire year to hold regular rituals, you can experience the magic of Christmas no matter the month!
Take a moment to reflect on your family traditions. Are they meeting the needs of you and your family? Do they help solidify your values, beliefs, and family identity? If necessary, create a new one or adapt a current tradition to your present family circumstance.
Garcia-Rada, X., Sezer, O., & Norton, M. I. (2019). Rituals and nuptials: The emotional and relational consequences of relationship rituals. Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, 4(2), 185–197. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1086/702761
Hunter Tarry is from Gilbert, Arizona. Hunter graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development with a minor in psychology. Married for just over three years, Hunter and her husband Joseph recently became a family of three. Hunter currently cares for her son, Joseph, full-time. Her research interests include all things political, the impact of law on marriage, families, and children, aging across the lifespan and families during transitory periods. Hunter enjoys photography, volleyball, trying new restaurants with her husband, watching Jeopardy, and finding new ways to make her son laugh.
Think of someone you know that has a mental illness – maybe it’s you! Ponder how your relationships have changed because of mental health and reflect on what you can do to help them become stronger than ever.
