Keto. Intermittent Fasting. Whole 30. Low-carb. Vegan. Weight Watchers. Juice fasts. Clean Eating. There is no end to the variety of diets that are competing for your attention when it comes to your weight and health. Many of them tout guidelines and science-backed principles that openly conflict with one another. While they differ in some ways, all diets come back to the same principle of restriction. They require meticulous counting and measuring, eradication of certain food groups, as well as other rules and regulations to guide the eating experience. Add that to all of the social expectations about how your body “should look” and it is no wonder that so much of our time and energy is consumed by dieting and body thoughts. Registered dietician Christy Harrison aptly calls dieting “the life thief”. (Harrison, 2017)
At its core, the idea of dieting for the purpose of improving one’s health seems harmless. However, contrary to what the diet and fitness industry is telling us, studies show that dieting has a 90-95% failure rate. (Grodstein, et al., 1996) An additional study also documented that dieting as a result of weight stigma poses a significant threat to psychological and physical health and presents significant risk factors for depression, low-self esteem, and body dissatisfaction. (Andreyeva, Puhl, & Brownell, 2008)
The more you diet, the more your confidence and self-trust gradually erodes.
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In 1995, two registered dieticians published a new book, Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works. Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch were working independently but had both noticed that no matter what they did to help their clients lose weight and keep it off their clients kept coming back, filled with guilt and shame, having regained the weight. They realized that dieting was not working and they decided to dive deep into the data. What resulted from their research were the life-changing principles that are found in their book. Now they teach about the importance of rejecting the diet mentality and making peace with food. They teach how to cope with your emotions without using food and learn to respect your body and find joy in movement and exercise. (Tribole, & Resch, 2019)
But intuitive eating is so much more than a new “plan.” At its core, Intuitive Eating is about taking your power back. It’s about learning to trust your natural instincts and to ignore all the different outside messages telling you who you need to be, what you need to look like, how much you should weigh, what you can eat, when you can eat it, how much of it you can eat, etc.. Intuitive eating is about tuning in to your body and re-learning how to trust and truly take care of yourself. It is about finding pleasure and satisfaction in food again while living your most fulfilling life, free of the shame and guilt that often accompanies dieting.
There is a large misconception that when we let go of all the diet rules and practice intuitive eating that we are “letting ourselves go.” This could not be more opposite from the truth. When you truly give yourself permission to eat and to rely on your body’s signals of hunger, fullness, and satiety, you are allowing yourself to be! You are giving yourself permission to take up space and to live a purposeful life without measuring your worth by the number of calories you consume or whether or not you were able to achieve ketosis. Eating intuitively requires that you are present in your life and are aware of your emotions and thoughts surrounding food. The more you come to know and value your own inner voice, the more you will learn to give your body what it truly needs, whether that be cake or kale. Many people I have worked with have been surprised at what happens when they begin to trust themselves. While they originally thought that they would end up living off a diet of candy and chips, they learned that when they took the time to listen to their body their body provided them with cravings for a variety of nutrients and foods. In my opinion, learning to listen to and trust your body with food is one of the most powerful and effective means of self-care.
If you have spent a good part of your life on a diet, it may feel really intimidating to dive into intuitive eating. But know this: unlike a diet, you cannot fail at intuitive eating! (Tribole, & Resch, 1995) It is all a learning process and it looks different for every person. Your journey will be different, but even moments of cleaning out an entire carton of ice cream in one sitting can provide an opportunity to check in and reconnect with yourself.
Here are some steps that you can take towards learning how to trust your own intuition with food and make peace with your body:
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1. Learn to ask questions
We have been sold a lot of ideas about health and wellness that at first glance may seem like good things. But it is important to ask yourself questions like, “Who decided that _____ is the way that we should all look?” “Who benefits from me buying that product/participating in that diet?” “Why do I believe that changing my body in this way will allow me to feel ____? Is that true?” You can also use this tool to help you as you navigate intuitive eating and re-learn what your body needs, what foods truly taste good to you, what type of exercise and movement brings you joy.
2. Get rid of external measuring sticks
Have you ever watched a young child eat? When you were a toddler, you ate when you were hungry and you stopped when you were full. You found joy and satisfaction in food. Your body was created and developed from a small group of cells into a full human infant without any kind of external influence. Your body still has every system and regulator it needs to continue to help you thrive and grow. The problem is that we have learned to ignore those internal regulating systems and intuition and instead rely on food pyramids, fitness trackers, and scales to tell us what, when, and how we should be eating. Go back to the basics, learn to trust yourself by how you feel and experience food. You are your own best measuring stick.
3. Practice self-acceptance
Have you ever told yourself “I’ve got to work off that extra cookie I ate last night” or “As soon as I am ___ lbs, then it will be easier to love myself.” Punishing yourself out of disgust or waiting until a future day to love yourself are rooted in the idea of fear. Fear that you won’t be accepted by others as you are, fear of gaining weight, or fear of not measuring up to our own self-inflicted standards. The antidote to fear is love, but proclaiming “I love my body and I love myself” can sometimes be a hard jump for some people. The small starting step is to practice acceptance for who you are at this moment and recognize that nothing is going to change your body in that instant. Don’t allow the ever-fluid future to rob you of the beauty happening in your life today. Start living and experiencing the life you are waiting for right now!
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4. Give yourself grace
Starting something new can be hard. Unlearning years of diet lies and gimmicks can be especially tricky. It is most definitely a process that takes a lot of time and intention and you can’t measure or compare your journey to anyone else’s. Each day you will need to give yourself grace and be curious instead of critical. Give yourself permission to feel sad or angry at the lies that you have been sold about your body. Offer kindness and patience to yourself as you navigate learning how to trust yourself again. We are often so much more charitable to those around us than we are to ourselves but in the end, one of the most important relationships we have is with ourselves and investing in self-kindness and self-compassion is key.
5. Read the book Intuitive Eating
Intuitive eating has become somewhat of a buzzword in the social media community. While it is incredible and exciting that it is finally getting the attention it deserves, there are many sources that claim to be intuitive eating focused while still holding on to dangerous aspects of diet culture. Go to the original source! If you have spent part of your life caught up in diet culture and experiencing poor body image, implementing the principles from that book has the power to help you make peace with food and your body and has the potential to ultimately change your life.
This week, spend at least one meal eating mindfully. Before you take your first bite, notice the smell and look of your food. Anticipate what it will taste like. As you tuck in, chew slowly. Notice the texture and feel of the food. Really relish in the taste. Eating in this mindful way can help you be more in-tune with the needs and desires of your body. Be sure to pay attention to when you feel full!
Grodstein, F., Levine, R., Spencer, T., Colditz, G. A., & Stampfer, M. J. (1996). Three-year follow-up of participants in a commercial weight loss program: Can you keep it off? Archives of Internal Medicine 156(12), 1302.
Andreyeva, T., Puhl, R. M. & Brownell, K. D. (2008). Changes in Perceived Weight Discrimination Among Americans, 1995–1996 Through 2004–2006. Obesity, 16: 1129–1134. doi:10.1038/oby.2008.35
It’s five thirty and your five-year-old walks into the kitchen saying he’s hungry. “Good, it’s dinner time!” you say, cheerfully, hoping to prevent an explosion. The three-year-old starts to whine and you slip him another fruit snack as you guide the two to their seats, bracing yourself. They mope. You encourage. They grumble. You barter. They pout. You bribe. They scowl. You threaten. They cry. You go make chicken nuggets.
There are few things that stress a parent out more than mealtime with picky eaters. What if you could just stop it? End the battle; call a truce – is that even possible?
Luckily there is a tried and true method to prevent problems and encourage healthy attitudes, AND it will calm the dinner battles right now! In the 1980s, a dietitian named Ellyn Satter wrote a number of books about feeding healthy families. Since then her principles have been tested over and over again and they are still the gold standard that dietitians use in preventing and dealing with eating difficulties. Here’s what you need to know to get started:
1. Trust that your children want to grow up
Your biggest goal for your children’s eating is that they become healthy adults with healthy relationships with food. Guess what? That’s their goal, too! Deep down, underneath those toddler impulses or preteen attitudes, they want to grow up and be mature adults, including in how they eat! Trust your child to grow up. Trust him, even when he’s acting like, well, a three-year-old. Even when he’s acting like a three-year-old when he’s ten. He still wants to grow up.
2. Honor “The Feeding Relationship”
Satter suggested that children feel secure and able to grow up when there is a division of responsibility in the feeding relationship. The parents have their responsibility and the children have theirs. If nobody crosses the line, things tend to work out!
Basically, the parents are responsible for the what, when, and where of eating, and the child is responsible for how much (if any) he eats from what is provided. I’ll explain.
What – Parents decide what is served. Choose mostly healthy foods. If you don’t want them eating it, don’t serve it. Or even better, don’t buy it! Make sure you provide three or four options for each meal, one of which is something that you know the child will eat, even if it is just fruit or bread.
When – Have meals and snacks at regular times throughout the day. For young kids, that means a snack every two to three hours. Besides regulating the child’s blood sugar and keeping her from getting hangry, this also allows you to more easily say, “It’s a bummer you didn’t eat anything at the last meal. We’ll have a snack in a couple hours.”
Where – Have meals at the table whenever possible. Provide a pleasant atmosphere – keep it light and cheerful as much as you can. Even though you can’t enforce how much they eat, you most definitely CAN enforce manners! Some children eat their fill (or at least say they are done) very quickly and want to run off and play. It is okay to set a timer (even five or ten minutes) to remain at the table and join the family in dinner conversation, even if she chooses not to eat any more.
How much – The child decides how much, if any, to eat. Sometimes they will eat like a bird and the next day will house three sandwiches. Children meet their nutritional needs over the matter of a week or two, not in a day. It is perfectly normal and fine if they don’t eat meat for a few days but eat a bunch a few days later. Overall if this division of responsibility is followed, they will tend to get what they need. However, if you are concerned about a very picky eater while they are working through this, talk to your doctor or dietitian.
Allowing your child to determine how much she eats also means no cajoling, bargaining, or persuading. Your child can smell an agenda a mile away, so if they sense that you are trying to get them to eat their brussel sprouts by talking loudly about how delicious they are, they may feel like you crossed their line and shut down.
3. What about sweets?
One of the first questions parents want to know is, “What about sweets?” Most dietitians give two options. Serve dessert only occasionally, but when you do, children may eat it ad lib (when it is on the table, it is part of the “meal” and therefore they get to decide how much to eat). The second option is to have a single serving of dessert pre-portioned, but to serve it with the meal, not after. Do not use dessert as a reward for eating more “healthy” food. Sometimes a child will even eat more dinner when they can go ahead and have their cookie first – then they won’t rush through and eat as little as possible to get on with dessert! The bottom line is that we don’t want sweets to become this forbidden thing. That is how we develop many unhealthy attitudes toward food.
So that’s it! Now you can go and have instantly pleasant meals with happily eating children, right?! Okay, okay, it is one of those parenting principles that is simple, but difficult to implement. It is so hard to sit there and bite your tongue while your child ignores the veggies yet again and goes straight for the roll. It is equally hard to bite your tongue when your stubborn child finally tries the cabbage at dinner, and when he says he likes it, instead of dancing around the kitchen, saying casually, “Oh yeah, it’s pretty good.” Just remember to take the long-term view. Your ultimate goal is not to get your child to eat his peas tonight. It is to have him grow up to be a healthy eater. Fixing nutrient issues is relatively easy compared to fixing an unhealthy mental pattern regarding food. Trust that they want to grow up. Give them the structure and freedom to do it, and be ready to be amazed!
Note: This article was written to address “normal pickiness.” Extreme pickiness may warrant help from an occupational therapist and/or dietitian. Sometimes there are underlying causes (sensory issues, anxiety, early feeding tubes, etc.) that make it more difficult for some children to overcome finicky eating. These principles still apply and are invaluable in overcoming it, but in these situations, special care must be taken and some tactics may need to be altered.
Write down a meal plan for next week’s dinners. Planning ahead will help you feel less stressed at dinner time, and can even help you save money while at the grocery store!
Danika Dunn graduated magna cum laude from Brigham Young University with a BS in dietetics and a one-year-old. Because she knows so well the practical stresses of feeding kids, she enjoys helping other families eat for better health – in mind and body. Right now she spends most of her time homeschooling her five children, folding laundry, listening to podcasts, and taking care of her bees.
This week, spend at least one meal eating mindfully. Before you take your first bite, notice the smell and look of your food. Anticipate what it will taste like. As you tuck in, chew slowly. Notice the texture and feel of the food. Really relish in the taste. Eating in this mindful way can help you be more in-tune with the needs and desires of your body. Be sure to pay attention to when you feel full!
