Think of a great day you’ve had recently. What activities and tasks did you do that day? What made it great? Why did you enjoy your day, or feel fulfilled?
I did this exercise a couple years back and was surprised to find I could narrow my very good day down to three factors:
Creativity, Connection, and Movement.
I remember going for a run that morning. Later, in the middle of running errands, I had the thought to check in on a friend at work. We had a great conversation during her lunch break. Later in the day, I spent time on a creative project. By the time I was in bed that night, I felt fulfilled, satisfied, and whole. I had filled my cup.
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While I encourage you to find your own components of a great day, I want to share more about mine–specifically tying them to research already found in articles on the Healthy Humans Project website. As you browse the articles that stand out to you, I encourage you to look at the “Related Articles” at the bottom of each page. As you start defining your own components of a great day, I encourage you to search for those topics on the sidebar. We have so many great resources here, and this is how I’m learning more about the things that I love!
Creativity
Creativity can mean a number of things–from singing in the car to writing in your journal to doodling, learning calligraphy, playing guitar, and more. I’ve always been creative, but as I’ve gotten out of the habit, I’ve had to be more intentional about making time to create. Right now, that looks like playing guitar on Sunday nights before bed. I also attended my first Paint Night recently, which destroyed my long-time limiting belief that I couldn’t paint! From the time I was a little, creativity has brought me so much joy. Research also shows that creativity can help manage stress, decrease symptoms of depression, and help individuals manage chronic illness, among obviously countless other benefits. A particular study a few years back examined the “relationships between creative activity, affect, and flourishing.” Researchers asked participants to keep a 13-day journal where they recorded their creativity throughout the day, how they were feeling at the end of the day, and if they felt like they were “flourishing.” Results showed that on days they practiced creativity, participants felt more “enthusiastic” and “energized.” Those results don’t surprise me at all.
Photo from Unsplash
For me, it’s well worth the time and effort tokeep creativity in my life.
Here are some articles on Healthy Human Project that talk about the value of creativity in our lives:
I recently moved to a new town and for the first time, knew no one around me. Despite chatting with friends from back home on the Marco Polo app every day, I still didn’t have anyone beside me, in person, supporting me through this hard transition. At one point, I realized it had been a week since I had hugged anyone, or had any physical contact–and physical contact is SO good for us. It took weeks until I finally started to connect with people in my new town–I just needed to find that right person to reach out to for help.
Healthy Humans Project is FILLED with wisdom on finding and strengthening our relationships, both platonic and intimate. Here are just a few articles about the power of connecting with others:
Exercising has saved my life, both by temporarily and regularlyincreasing endorphins in my brain, but also by giving me purpose–I have to be committed if I’m going to wake up for early morning runs with friends, or train for and complete races. In the article “For Depression and Anxiety, Running Is a Unique Therapy” on the Runner’s World website, additional benefits of being physically active are highlighted. They include creating momentum and physical energy, providing space to process thoughts and clear brain fog, and increasing the production of beneficial chemicals in the brain. Here are some articles on Healthy Humans Project that highlight the benefits of movement and spending time outside:
The things that fill my cup may not be the things that fill your cup, but I hope my insights help you consider your own! Life is hard–and for every article about joy I’ve shared, I can share a billion more about grief, resiliency, and more. But it’s worth finding that joy in the everyday, and holding onto it. What are you going to do today to feel joy?
Find out what your favorite days are comprised of, and start doing more of those things every day. Be intentional about your happiness.
Bonus: Browse through Healthy Humans Project to learn more about the things that matter to you, the healthy habits you want to develop, and the topics you want to learn more about.
References
Conner, T. S., DeYoung, C. G., & Silvia, P. J. (2016). “Everyday creative activity as a path to flourishing.” The Journal of Positive Psychology, 13(2), as cited in Gregoire, C. (2016 December 2). Why Finding Time Each Day For Creativity Makes You Happier. Huffpost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/creativity-happiness psychology_n_58419e0ce4b0c68e0480689a
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Over the last fifty years, humankind has accrued more and more wealth, developed technology to increase our comfort and ease of living, and improved the quality of life of people all over the world. And yet, believe it or not, over the years our happiness levels as a species has remained relatively the same. Why is this? In his book, “When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness” (2018), psychologist Tim Bono outlines a measure for happiness that may explain this frustrating phenomenon:
Happiness = What you Have / What you Want
If you don’t like math, stick with me, I’ll explain. According to this equation, we have two options for increasing the amount of happiness we experience from day to day. We can either 1) increase what we have, or 2) decrease what we want.
By nature of our current society, we are already constantly working to increase what we have. We go to school to get jobs that allow us to make more money to buy more stuff. However, research has shown that just because you have more stuff does not mean that you are actually happier. This is partially due to the fact that we naturally adapt to new environments. Apparently, increasing what we have only brings temporary satisfaction because we quickly adjust to a “new normal”. Think of when you first get a new phone – it’s fun and exciting to explore all of the new features and to personalize everything. After a while, though, the novelty wears off. What was once new and novel becomes “same-old” once again.
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Getting more stuff also doesn’t automatically increase your happiness because the second half of the equation, what you want, is also constantly increasing. This is compounded in particular by social media. We are constantly bombarded with others’ idealized lives, and this tends to make what we have seem like not enough.
So how do we stop this equation from getting so out of proportion? The answer is a matter of shifting our perspective from what we want, to what we already have. In other words, we need to practice GRATITUDE.
The Power of Gratitude
Research has shown that actively practicing gratitude in our daily lives can actually significantly increase our happiness (Llenares et al., 2020). One particular study found that a group of young adults who kept a weekly record of the positive things that happened in their lives, “felt significantly better about their lives overall, were more optimistic about the week ahead, and even got sick less frequently,” than a comparison group who kept track of the hassles that happened during their week (Bono, 2018). Focusing on gratitude shifts our perspective. It allows us to move from away from the emptiness of what we lack, and to move towards appreciating the fullness of what is already ours. It can also help us look outside ourselves towards others and how we can use our influence and what we have to help them find more meaning and bounty in their lives.
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Furthermore, research on the brain has shown that the more we practice gratitude, the easier it actually becomes for us to automatically focus on gratitude. Consistently turning our thoughts towards what we are blessed with creates pathways in our brains that eventually cause us to more readily think about what we are grateful for.
Here are a few ideas that can help you make a habit of practicing gratitude:
Congratulate Someone: Next time you see someone sharing good news on social media (maybe even something that you feel a little jealous of), make an effort to reach out and congratulate them. Sharing in someone’s joy rather than giving in to the green monster of envy can help brighten their day, and shift your focus back to what you’ve been blessed with in your life!
Gratitude Journal: Taking the time to physically write out the things that you are grateful for, whether it’s once a day, once a week, or once a month can help you keep track of your gratitude, and will help you actively look for things that you are grateful for. This can be something for you to treasure, especially if you are going through something that makes it difficult for you to practice gratitude. Remember, the more often you practice, the better you can re-train your brain to focus on what you have!
Writing Letters: Think of someone who has impacted you in your life, and take the time to write them a letter expressing your appreciation (if you don’t have time to hand-write something, send them an email or even a Facebook message!). Not only will this help you think of and be grateful for the ways that other people have blessed your life, but it will make someone’s day as well! Click here for a free download we’ve created to help you write someone a thank you letter.
Share With a Partner: You can actually kill two birds with one stone by sharing what you are grateful for with your partner or someone you love. Practicing gratitude with another person helps you as you work to re-wire your brain for gratitude, and it also gives you some time to connect and be open with your partner – things that are essential for strong and healthy relationships!
Practicing gratitude is guaranteed to increase the happiness you feel in your life. And while it may not seem like you have much initially, the more you practice, the more you will find to be grateful for! So, give gratitude a try. What have you got to lose?
Choose one way to increase your happiness by practicing gratitude this week!
Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377
Hui, Q.-P., He, A.-M., & Liu, H.-S. (2015). A situational experiment about the relationship among gratitude, indebtedness, happiness and helping behavior. Chinese Mental Health Journal, 29(11), 852–857.
Llenares, I. I., Deocaris, C. C., Espanola, M., & Sario, J. A. (2020). Gratitude moderates the relationship between happiness and resilience. The International Journal of Emotional Education, 12(2), 103–108.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Last year an acquaintance expressed a beautifully comforting sentiment: “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be ideal.” This person had been battling for over thirty years, what I have been battling for only three. He inspired me to learn to thrive within my pain rather than waiting to be happy.
Last week’s article addressed why happiness is not a viable goal, and how our lives can change when we replace a life goal of finding happiness for creating meaning. Today I want to provide some education on HOW to create meaning.
I have heard many people say that they don’t know where they are going in life. When we lose the things or people that bring us the most meaning in life, it can cause us to question everything. Some lose loved ones, fulfilling careers, are faced with infertility, serious medical illnesses, trauma or abuse. Our earth shatters and sometimes with it our sense of meaning. Some worry that they have never had a truly meaningful life and wonder where to even start. And some struggle to find meaning because mental illness or serious challenges cloud their view. They wait for the clouds to clear and the sun to come out before the meaning will present itself instead of learning to THRIVE WITHIN the storm.
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As Alan Watts put it, “There’s no point in going on living unless we make the supposition that the situation of life is optimal. And it makes you realize how great things are.”
Emily Esfahani Smith (a researcher and journalist) studies meaning. She has an awesome Ted Talk that you can listen to here, among many other great resources. She outlines 4 pillars for a meaningful life: belonging, purpose, transcendence and storytelling. I will briefly go over each, but I recommend looking into each pillar in more depth.
Belonging
Belonging is all about being valued for who you are intrinsically and valuing others equally. Remember that cultivating belonging is a choice (Smith, 2017). Belonging is not about having a whole group of people to run around with, or a ton of friends. “Belonging is being a part of something bigger than yourself, but it’s also the courage to stand alone and to belong to yourself above all else. …The opposite of belonging is fitting in because fitting in is assessing a group of people and thinking, who do I need to be….and changing who you are and true belonging never asks us to change who we are, it demands that we be who we are” (Howes & Brown, 2017). Lead with love to lift both yourself and others. Brené Brown described the ideal in an interview: “I belong everywhere I go no matter where it is or who I’m with, as long as I never betray myself. And the moment I become who you want me to be in order to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment I no longer belong anywhere” (Howes & Brown, 2017).
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Purpose
Finding your purpose is less about what you want and more about what you give. It is about more than just a job that makes you happy. It’s about using your strength to lift others. “Without something worthwhile to do, people flounder” (Smith, 2017). Increase the number of worthwhile things you do each day. This can be as simple as taking extra time to show affection to your partner or reading to your children. It can reach beyond you too – being more innovative to solve problems at work or home, volunteering in your community, learning something new that improves your sense of value, etc. (Barron & Barron, 2012).
Transcendence
Moments of transcendence are rare states when your sense of self dissipates and you can connect to a higher reality (Smith, 2017). Transcendence provides clarity of mind and soul, rejuvenation, and an expanse of one’s perspective. These moments can occur through art, religion, writing, music, dance, outdoor exploration, etc.
Photo by Aliaksei Manlyx on Unsplash
Storytelling
Storytelling is increasing an awareness of the narrative of your life. Remember that you are the author. How are you editing your story? What do you want to change, and how do you use the previous chapters of your story to increase growth, purpose, healing and love? This can be about learning to thrive within the pain and struggle that life holds and doing something with it, instead of waiting for the moment when the storm will pass and we can be happy (Smith, 2017).
Try New Things
In addition to Smith’s four pillars, research demonstrates the importance of trying new things. In a recent (and very awesome) symposium I attended, Troy Faddis, LMFT shared with us, “Meaning is passion plus expertise plus your story” (Faddis, Barlow & Daley, 2018). So look inward. What are you passionate about? What is your story? What is your expertise? And when you add those up, you can find things that give you meaning. For example, I am passionate about helping others, learning and teaching. My expertise lies in family life, romantic relationships, and healthy sexuality. I have a complicated family life and my story is one of trauma, healing and adventure. When I blend the three, I see very obviously areas of my life in which I have created meaning: The Healthy Humans Project, volunteering as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, cultivating a beautiful home with my husband, etc.
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Life really doesn’t need to be perfect to be ideal. By creating meaning in our lives, we create a beautiful, ideal life worth living. We thrive within all of the pain and challenges that occur instead of putting our lives on hold and waiting for everything to be over. Because it will never be over. Life is about growth, and although moments and trials will pass, our journey towards becoming is a life-long one. So we ought to make something really beautiful out of all the loss and pain and struggle. Creating meaning out of the good and the bad makes it all worth it.
Write out the meaning equation discussed above (Meaning = Passion + Expertise + Story) within each of your roles. How does this equation look in your romantic relationship, as a parent, at work, and in your community?
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References
Barron, C., PhD, & Barron, A., MD. (2012). The creativity cure: A do-it-yourself guide to happiness. New York: Scribner.
Esfahani Smith, E. (2017, September 26). There’s more to life than being happy | Emily Esfahani Smith. Retrieved August 4, 2018, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9Trdafp83U
Faddis, T., LMFT, Barlow, R., & Daley, D., SUDC. (2018). Nine lifestyles habits that lead to recovery. In Wilderness Therapy Symposium. Park City, UT: Outdoor Behavioral Healthcare Council.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
If your goal is happiness, you may be doing life wrong.
Of course we all want to be happy. We want our lives and the lives of our loved ones to be filled with happiness. But is that really the goal? Can we ever “achieve” happiness? A plethora of research says, “no”.
Because there is so much more to life than being happy.
Happiness cannot be a viable goal, because it is a fleeting emotion. Emotions don’t last. They come and go. In a recent study, researchers asked one group of participants to prioritize happiness, and another group to prioritize meaning. They evaluated the participants over a period of 12 months. The researchers found that in general the participants focusing on happiness were not happier. They had not met their goal. However, those who had sought meaning reported higher levels of satisfaction, resilience, and hope. Another study on meaning demonstrated that those who reported having highly meaningful lives were more resilient, had better academic and vocational performance, and greater longevity.
Martin Seligman is at the forefront of developing and researching positive psychology. He has discovered that happiness has very little to do with our circumstances. For example, people who win the lottery only experience increased happiness for about 3 months before returning back to their original degree of happiness. And after an average of 6 months of misery, paraplegics report the same degree of happiness as they experienced when they had all of their limbs. Happiness is not about circumstance. And because it is an emotion, it will come and go.
Creating meaning, on the other hand, is a viable and powerful goal, and happiness can actually be a byproduct of creating meaning. Many people talk about finding meaning, but I don’t like that idea because it removes personal ownership. My responsibility isn’t to find meaning and purpose, but to create it. I am the author of my own story. More than that, finding sounds like a happy accident. Creating illustrates that this is work. And it is. Creating a meaningful life is real, hard work.
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In 2011, I was told that I would have to have several major hip surgeries which would end my career as a contemporary dancer. I reacted to the change in circumstances with bitterness and anger. It took two years for me to be back on my feet and reasonably functioning.
On top of that was the loss of a dear friend, and some severe crises within my family. I was a bitter, broken, traumatized shell of a human with no direction and no sense of belonging, and I was so angry because of it.
Eventually I pulled together and began taking my own growth seriously. I studied and read everything I could find. I began seeing a therapist, and then I began volunteering in my community and things really started to look up. I also began building relationships around me, and their connection and support was invaluable. Many of these people literally saved my life, and more importantly, my sense of being. I have developed a great life that I absolutely love. Because life doesn’t have to be perfect to be ideal.
Photo by Aubrey Dawn-Palmer
How do we create meaning? Well, that’s another topic, which I will cover next week. For now, let me say, Meaning is deeper than happiness. According to Martin Seligman, “meaning comes from belonging to and serving something beyond yourself and developing the best within you.”
Life isn’t about being happy. We all have crises and challenges. Happiness will come and go. But developing a strong sense of meaning helps us thrive within the pain. It connects us to the world in a remarkable way. It gives us direction, gratitude, and I would even say, a sense of awe. Mostly, creating meaning helps us treasure the things that matter most.
Spend the next week examining your life goals and perspective. Are you more concerned about being happy or creating meaning? Identify at least one way to increase meaning in your life this week and work on changing your perspective from “When ____ happens, I’ll be happy” to “How can this make my life more meaningful?” The next article will specifically address ways to increase meaning in your life, but brainstorming ahead of time will really help you personalize it.
References
Barron, C., PhD, & Barron, A., MD. (2012). The creativity cure: A do-it-yourself guide to happiness. New York: Scribner.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Happiness is a common pursuit among human beings. It’s even explicitly listed as one of our unalienable rights in the United States Declaration of Independence (“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness”)! If you were to ask anyone, I can almost guarantee that they would tell you they would rather be happy than sad or angry (in fact, a 2016 survey showed that 81% of Americans would rather be happy than achieve greatness in their lifetime). But like it or not, it is impossible for us to be happy 100% of the time, and believe it or not, that’s actually a good thing!
Emotions are a constant and vital part of life, and they heavily affect our everyday choices. While it seems like it would be really nice to never have to feel “negative” emotions, such as sadness, anger, grief, fear, or embarrassment, research has actually found that it is incredibly important to allow ourselves to feel a variety of emotions! Here are a few of the many reasons why allowing ourselves to feel “negative” emotions at times is essential to our mental, physical, and relational health.
1. Feeling leads to healing
The vast majority of experiences that we go through in life will likely elicit different emotional reactions within us. In fact, we often feel not just one, but a variety of emotions per experience! It is not reasonable for us to expect ourselves to be constantly happy through every single experience, particularly when life gets hard. Trying to stifle uncomfortable or negative emotions and put on a brave face 100% of the time is not healthy — we need to process the negative emotions in order to lead healthy and balanced lives (Levine & Wald, 2020). Refusing to acknowledge what we are feeling can really take a toll on our physical, emotional, and mental health.
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Experiencing prolonged periods of stressful emotions such as anxiety or fear can affect just about every system in your body — your muscles, your heart, your stomach, even your reproductive system (Cohen et al., 2020)! Depression or extreme sadness can also effect you profoundly, leading to symptoms such as insomnia, weight fluctuations, increased sensitivity to pain, and even a weaker immune system. Allowing ourselves to process emotions in a healthy way can help our bodies, minds, and hearts stay balanced, and can help us to pull through when we experience difficulties. Remember, “You have to feel it to heal it.”
2. “Negative” emotions can help protect us
Emotions possess a literal energy that motivates us to action. The energy and motivation that comes from difficult emotions can actually help us protect ourselves, particularly when it comes to our relationships. Sadness, anger, or fear can help us weed out unhealthy relationships or other negative aspects of our lives. They can also help us know when we need to make changes. It is important to be aware of these emotions, and to allow ourselves to experience them rather than push them away so that we can take action when action is needed.
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It is also important to understand that sometimes negative emotions can get triggered even if there isn’t a real threat that we need to be protected from. This can sometimes be a sign of mental illness such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or PTSD, and can be due to chemical or hormonal imbalances, cultural background, past experiences, and many other factors. It is important for us to learn the difference between negative emotions that are helping us and protecting us, and negative emotions that are hurting us and holding us back. Watching for patterns, discussing emotions with someone you trust, or getting help from a professional doctor or therapist can help you to determine whether or not you are experiencing emotions that are helpful or hurtful.
3. Healthy relationships require healthy processing of emotions
Because emotions are a built-in part of the human experience (particularly when it comes to relationships), and because relationships are composed of different people with different world-views, it is expected that our relationships are going to, at times, involve negative emotions. It is important to realize this, because in order for us to have healthy relationships, we need to know that it is okay when we experience a negative emotion towards someone we care about! I struggled with this for a really long time, and I thought it was better for me to deny any space for those negative emotions in my relationships. I told myself that if I truly loved someone, I shouldn’t be feeling angry or annoyed at them! That couldn’t have been further from the truth. By refusing to acknowledge and healthily deal with those negative emotions, I was actually causing myself to feel resentment and more anger towards my loved ones. When we understand that negative emotions are a normal and even healthy part of every relationship, we are able to address those emotions and actually work through them in a healthy way. Here are some recommendations for processing negative emotions in relationships:
Communication – Talk about it! If there is something bothering you and it is something that needs to be said, approach your partner and have a conversation about how you are feeling. This isn’t always easy, particularly when the emotions that you are experiencing are strong. Understand that the more we practice communicating, the easier it gets. Also consider taking some time to think about your feelings before approaching your partner. If you worry that you will say something you regret in the heat of the moment, it’s okay to take a step back and revisit the problem later.
Alone Time – We all need time to recharge and refuel. Taking time for yourself to meditate, participate in a hobby that you enjoy, rest, and get to know yourself better can help you be more self-aware, and can help bring balance into your life.
Journaling – Writing about our emotions can often help us better know ourselves and our needs, which in turn allows us to communicate them to our loved ones. Consider keeping a journal that isn’t for posterity or even for you to look through ever again. Write out exactly how you are feeling and what you are thinking, and don’t feel the need to justify or explain. Sometimes just getting it down on paper can help you feel a whole lot better!
Therapy – Sometimes we need professional help when it comes to processing our emotions. Consider going in to see a therapist alone, or with your partner if the problem involves them.
The key to handling our emotions in a healthy way is finding BALANCE. Negative emotions will come as we experience the ups and downs of everyday life. However, we have the choice and the power to acknowledge those feelings, allow ourselves to feel them, and either 1) let them motivate and change us as we deem beneficial to our lives and our relationships, or 2) let them go.
Cohen, A., Zemel, C., Colodner, R., Abu-Shkara, R., Masalha, R., Mahagna, L., & Barel, E. (2020). Interactive role of endocrine stress systems and reproductive hormones in the effects of stress on declarative memory. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 120. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104807
Levine, E. E., & Wald, K. A. (2020). Fibbing about your feelings: How feigning happiness in the face of personal hardship affects trust. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 156, 135–154. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.obhdp.2019.05.004
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Find out what your favorite days are comprised of, and start doing more of those things every day. Be intentional about your happiness.
Choose one way to increase your happiness by practicing gratitude this week!
