Love, Me

The Beauty of Discomfort

No Comments

Cover photo by Hermes Rivera on Unsplash

Written by Dray Salcido
“Discomfort is the call to set yourself free.” – Byron Katie
Few would disagree that training for a marathon is incredibly uncomfortable. Then why do people do it? Eating your vegetables isn’t as enjoyable as having a treat, but most would accept that it’s necessary. Staying out to have fun isn’t as important as getting enough sleep, and we all agree on that. Why? These dilemmas have obvious, physical repercussions that impact our well-being. In these situations we acknowledge that the discomfort of exercising, eating healthful foods, and sticking to a sleep regimen are preferred to the health problems that eventually develop from neglect. How do we apply this same understanding of necessary discomfort to the more ambiguous areas of life? The following suggests ways we can understand and cope with discomfort as it relates to our personal and interpersonal lives. 

What does necessary discomfort look like?

What creates discomfort is relative to the individual. Our unique experiences will shape our natural ability to endure difficulty. Necessary discomfort can look like defensiveness in a conversation about race, or gender. Sometimes it shows up in anxiety when speaking your mind as the minority. Another way could be asking for what you want in your romantic partnership. Perhaps it presents itself most strongly when you watch a child make choices with which you don’t agree. Many of us grow to be more and more avoidant in the face of fear. Avoidance is a deliberate refusal to change, grow and learn. To break this pattern it requires that we unlearn our conditioning. 
Photo by Blake Cheek on Unsplash

What can I do to grow from necessary discomfort?

We’re all aware of the reality of discomfort. A logical understanding won’t change the fact that it will almost always feel unpleasant. So, how do we cope with struggle, and fight against the urge to run from it? 
Give it a name and a purpose.
A great mindfulness technique is to label your emotional experiences. This helps a person gain control over their feelings. Let discomfort be your guide, not your enemy. When pain surfaces ask, “Why am I feeling uncomfortable?” “What am I making this mean about me?” “What triggered this?” Questioning your experience creates awareness. Next time you feel uncomfortable, list all your sensations, thoughts, and emotions. Mindfulness practice has represented among the most effective strategies for coping with anxious thoughts (MacDonald, 2020). 
  • Sensations: increased heart rate, sick to stomach, tired, hungry, etc.
  • Thoughts: “He thinks I’m a bad person; She isn’t safe; I’m not enough;” etc.
  • Emotions: fear, shame, hurt, anxiety, sadness, anger, shock, disgust, etc.
Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash
According to therapeutic research, suffering is meaningless without a reason behind it (Frankl, 1984). Practice naming why your pain matters. I.e. “It’s necessary for my child to mess up in order to become a better person.” Or, “Speaking my truth is how I practice honesty, and honesty is a core value of mine.” Or, “All my heroes achieved great things by learning to suffer with dignity.” No matter your reasons, know that defining and giving meaning will bring beauty to the tragedy. 
Get over yourself.
Seriously, get over yourself. Understand that the greatest roadblock to growth is ourselves. Entitlement only gets in the way of seeing clearly. What made you above suffering? That is a basic, human condition and unless you’re an alien, superhero, or God, there’s no out for you. I don’t say that to invalidate the real pain that comes from struggle. The opposite. Knowing that we all share in this can unify our experience, and foster more connection. Avoid black and white thinking. Be humble, teachable, and open. Research shows that the single greatest factor for positive mental health is cognitive flexibility (Hepworth, 2010). Move with the discomfort, not against it. 
Tell your story.
It’s okay if you prefer to keep certain things close to your heart. Trust is earned and it is a privilege to hear one’s story. However, I do encourage that we share our experiences as often as we can. Speaking candidly about our discomfort is how we own our story, not the other way around. This requires more discomfort of being vulnerable and authentic. But, how else do you expect to receive support in your relationships if no one knows you’re uncomfortable except you? In one study, researchers found that sustaining uncomfortable dialogue was the essential factor in working through conversations around taboos like race, religion, and mental health (Sakamoto, 2005).
Photo by Joshua Sazon on Unsplash

What you can expect as you grow and change.

First, you can expect others to take personal offense at your resolve to change. One thing I’ve observed in my personal dance with discomfort is how uncomfortable it makes other people feel. This is a phenomena I don’t fully understand. Why not be happy for others when they grow? But, for whatever reason, your personal improvements will rub people the wrong way. You can expect them to point this out as if it’s some sort of failing on your part. Don’t let this keep you from trying. Rather, let it be evidence that you’re doing something right. Many of the greats were not appreciated during their time. Becoming yourself will disrupt the status quo – this is a good thing. Second, you can expect to have really hard days. There will be times when you question your own strength and abilities. Most of the time you’ll feel the urge to avoid, or indulge thoughts of self doubt. We’re not meant to feel good all the time. This is normal and necessary. It takes time to navigate discomfort. And third, it will be totally, totally worth it. The refiner’s fire is painful, but necessary in the making of gold. Believe that there is joy in hindsight. You’ll see.
Photo by Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash
Recognize that to resist the reality of discomfort is madness. It is also a battle you’ll never win. Spend your time listening to your discomfort, rather than actively working against it. Get out of your own way. Feel your feelings. Speak your truth. It’s all super uncomfortable and scary and uncertain, and there’s just no way around that. But, remember that “discomfort is a wise teacher” (Caroline Myss).  
This week, hold space for discomfort. When you feel defensive in conversations, practice analyzing your thoughts, emotions and sensations as described above. Count to ten before you respond. Be authentic with yourself and others. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, speak up! Then walk through why and what is creating your struggle. Give yourself grace, and be patient. You can do this!

References

Frankl, V. E. (1984). Man’s search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. New York: Simon & Schuster. 
Hepworth, D. H., Rooney, R. H., Rooney, G. D., Strom-Gottfried, K., (2010). Direct social work practice: Theory and skills. Brooks/Cole-Thomson Learning.
Macdonald, H. Z., & Olsen, A. (2020). The role of attentional control in the relationship between mindfulness and anxiety. Psychological Reports, 123(3), 759-780.
Sakamoto, I., & Pitner, R. O., (2005). Use of critical consciousness in anti-oppressive social work practice: Disentangling power dynamics at personal and structural levels. The British Journal of Social Work, 35(4), 435-452.

 

 

Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
 
Continue Reading

Love, Me, Mental Notes, Reaching Higher

Understanding What You Are Worthy Of

No Comments
Cover photo by Sindre Strøm from Pexels
Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
We generally talk about worthiness as being a process of earning – to become worthy is to achieve a certain standard of “goodness” in order to obtain certain rewards. There are rules that accompany worthiness. While striving to be better and to be worthy of great things is a wonderful thing, sometimes we over-apply rules of worthiness, deciding that we have to be worthy of love, of communicating with a higher power, of becoming successful, and of becoming whole. “Worthiness to receive love, compassion, and the rest is inherent in our being.” (Fishman, 2018)
Photo by Holly Mandarich on Unsplash

You are worthy of growth.

Many of us spend too much time being hypercritical of ourselves. We are aware of everything we didn’t get done and all of our flaws. We constantly “should” ourselves: “I should have said this”, “I should have been able to do that”, and so on.
“When we take it upon ourselves to pass self-judgment and simply declare, “I am not worthy,” we build a barrier to progress and erect blockades that prevent our moving forward. We are not being fair when we judge ourselves….Worthiness is a process. …Perhaps it is reasonable to conclude that personal measurement or judgment oftentimes may be severe and inaccurate. We may get bogged down as we try to understand and define worthiness. All of us are particularly aware of our shortcomings and weaknesses. Therefore, it is easy for us to feel that we are unworthy.” (Ashton, 1989)
All of us, regardless of what we have done or where we currently find ourselves, are worthy to be better, smarter, more talented, more kind, more whole, more healthy, than we were yesterday. We are all worthy of allowing ourselves to be more whole, regardless of what we have done, or what situation we currently find ourselves in.

You are worthy of love.

We are all worthy of love – of being loved, and biologically it is something we crave. To feel worthy of receiving love from others, we must also love ourselves and feel worthy of caring for ourselves. We can and have written pieces on self-love, so while I am going to move on, remember that self-care is crucial!
This is what we need to understand: We are responsible for putting effort into maintaining the relationships we value, and it is important to take ownership of our mistakes. That being said, we do not have to earn love from those who we care about. And we do not need to carry shame for our imperfections and feel that honest mistakes disqualify us from the love and compassion of others.
We all want to belong. But,“some individuals grow up feeling that love from their caregivers is conditional upon living up to certain expectations, and thus gaining love from their parents may come at a steep price. These perceptions of the conditionality of love may lead to feelings of unworthiness of love even later in life.” (Overup et al., 2013) Those struggling with self-doubt are often involved in less satisfying relationships. Sometimes when we doubt our worthiness of love, we are excessively cautious, and struggle to find or allow ourselves to feel security, even when behavioral realities are secure. (Murray, et al., 2003)
Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

You are worthy of security.

When I refer to security I mean a sense of security within our relationships. Because of our experiences in our family systems, romantic relationships, religious congregations, workplaces and in other environments, we carry with us unspoken rules about what it means to be worthy. Some of these rules may be appropriate, but some of these rules are often shame-based as well. “These rules do not govern only who is worthy of receiving our love. They govern how we view our own worthiness to receive.
These rules are generally not universal. Although some are cultural, most are specific to each of us as individuals. These rules are typically not conscious. You likely don’t walk around with a checklist. And yet, you know your rules. You know your rules because you’ve been living with these rules for as long as you’ve been alive. We learn early in life what we must do to earn love and affection from our parents. We learn what makes us worthy of receiving compassion and care, and what we must do to be worthy of respect.” (Fishman, 2018)

Understanding worthiness and spirituality

Worthiness generally has religious and spiritual connotations. For many who are religious, the goal is to be worthy enough to live in heaven, nirvana, paradise, or moksha. For many, there are certain rites, ceremonies, and/or behaviors or qualities that make us worthy to be in the presence of our higher power. This is certainly not incorrect, and understanding worthiness as a process of growth helps us to have patience with ourselves and achieve our spiritual goals. Having said that, sometimes we impose these standards for worthiness upon things which don’t need them.
For example, as I have researched “worthiness”, one thing that has frequently come up is that many question their worthiness to pray or communicate with their higher power. Many even question whether they are worthy of having a relationship with their higher power. The general consensus I can find across many religions is that while certain privileges require some level of worthiness, our ability to pray to or commune with our higher power is not contingent upon any level of worthiness. Regardless of our situation in life, we are worthy of love, and we are worthy of seeking divine guidance and help.
One Christian’s perspective was this, “So often we hear about what we are supposed to do for God. But the emphasis of the Bible is not so much on what we are supposed to do for God, but rather on what God has done for us. If we can get hold of that in our minds and hearts, it will change our outlook and actions. The more we understand of what God has done for us, the more we will want to do for Him.” (Laurie, 2020)
Photo by Yingchou Han on Unsplash

Final thoughts to redefine worthiness

As Brené Brown puts it, “You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for worthiness. (Brown, 2015) As we become more wholehearted about who we are and what we want, and work to remove self-doubt, we rewrite our personal rules for worthiness. Interestingly, we feel more worthy when we own our stories and don’t try to push tough emotions and experiences out of our stories. Allowing ourselves to feel worthy of good things like, love, compassion, happiness, and healing takes time – because worthiness is a process of growth.
This week, practice owning your story. Practice being more intentional in affirming that you are worthy of good things.

References

Ashton, M. J. (1989). On Being Worthy. Ensign, 20-22.
Brown, B. (2017). Rising strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York: Random House.
Fishman, R. (2018, August 01). What Determines Our Worthiness to Receive?: Retrieved September 10, 2020, from https://mymeadowreport.com/reneefishman/2018/what-determines-our-worthiness/
Laurie, G. (2020) For Those Who Do Not Feel Worthy to Approach God in Prayer. Retrieved September 5, 2020, from https://www.oneplace.com/ministries/a-new-beginning/read/articles/for-those-who-do-not-feel-worthy-to-approach-god-in-prayer-15931.html
Mruk, C. J. (2013). Defining Self-Esteem as a Relationship between Competence and Worthiness: How a Two-Factor Approach Integrates the Cognitive and Affective Dimensions of Self-Esteem. Polish Psychological Bulletin, 44(2), 157-164. https://doi.org/10.2478/ppb-2013-0018
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., Griffin, D. W., Bellavia, G., & Rose, P. (2001). The Mismeasure of Love: How Self-Doubt Contaminates Relationship Beliefs. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(4), 423-436. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167201274004
Øverup, C. S., Brunson, J. A., Steers, M. N., & Acitelli, L. K. (2014). I know I have to earn your love: How the family environment shapes feelings of worthiness of love. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 22(1), 16-35. https://doi.org/10.1080/02673843.2013.868362

 

 

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Continue Reading

Project Parent

6 Ways to Help Teens Become Successful Adults

No Comments
Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
I work with teenagers – and I love it. Teenagers are my absolute favorite people. And I work with tough teenagers – the teens with drug problems, crippling depression and anxiety, the teens who are defiant and disrespectful and refuse to go to school. I work with aggressive kids. I have been called every name in the book. And yet, teenagers are my favorite. Seriously – they’re the best. 
So how do we help these young people become functional, contributing members of society, capable of maintaining relationships beyond a one night stand or sext? How do we help these young people be employable, gracious, respectful, and driven? It is no easy task, let me tell you. But here’s the reality – we aren’t just raising teens. We are raising men and women – we are teaching people how to become adults. Here are a few things I do to connect with my teens and help them manage their mental health, increase self-efficacy, and develop real-life skills.

1. Get on their level.

Yes, our teens are going to be adults before we know it. But that doesn’t mean they are adults yet. These kids are wedged in a terrible spot – their brains aren’t fully developed, they are growing up in a media-addicted, highly promiscuous world, they are ready to make all of these big decisions, but they’re not, puberty is a bear all its own, and then we adults come in and say “no” at every turn. It really isn’t a great place to be. So work on understanding.
adolescent-beautiful-blond-786801
Photo from pexels.com
Make Urban Dictionary your friend. Urban Dictionary is a great tool for looking up all the weird new jargon your kids use. I use it any time I have no idea what one of my boys just said – then I can call them out if they’re being inappropriate, or I can respond appropriately. You don’t have to use the terms – by all means, be an articulate adult – but at least you’ll understand what they’re saying.
Do things that they like. Play video games, shoot the basketball, sit and watch movies, and just hang out with your kid. Sometimes teens are going to push you away, but it goes a long way when you can say, “Hey, you’re really good at this, and it seems really important to you. Tell me more about it/can you teach me how?”

2. Hold boundaries – and explain WHY. But don’t power struggle.

Holding consistent boundaries is essential. But when your angry teenager asks “why” you are enforcing a rule, saying, “Because I said so” or “Because I’m the mom” is NOT going to help. At all. Don’t even think about it. Seriously. Stop. “We had a conversation, and I told you that if you couldn’t be home on time, you wouldn’t be able to go out this weekend. You chose to come home late, and so you won’t be able to go out. Let’s try again next week. I need to know that you’re safe, and having you home on time helps you stay safe, and helps you and I build trust.” Your teen might whine and cry and tell you you’re the worst person in the world, and that’s okay. Because it’s not your job to be their friend. It’s your JOB to keep your kids safe and help them become thriving, accountable, trustworthy adults. “Peter, I know you disagree with me. That’s okay. You don’t have to agree. You made a choice, and I need to enforce the consequences. I love you. I’ll give you some time to take some space, and later I’d like to check in with you again.”
woman in black hoodie and blue denim jeans sitting on concrete stairs
Photo by Jeswin Thomas on Unsplash
We all want to power struggle sometimes. Power struggling is turning the problem into you vs. me – it is forcing your perspective onto someone else. It’s guaranteed to fail. But don’t feel like a failure – we have all done it. It takes practice to identify when you’re power struggling and when you’re engaging in healthy conflict. But it’s so important. Be willing to put down the rope. Remember that even when your teen is absolutely pissing you off, it has to be you AND your teen vs. the problem. “Katie, I love you, and I have to keep you safe. That’s why you can’t be sending photos like that to boys, and that’s why I’m going to take your phone away for a little while. When you’re ready, I want to talk to you about this, but you seem too mad right now, and that’s okay.” Then you go calm down, scream in your closet, freak out, and self-care. Then go back and talk to your daughter about sexual safety, cyber safety, self-respect, and all the other really important things your kid needs to learn. 

3. Require your teens to pull their own weight.

Being a member of a family means that you pull your own weight. As a member of their family, your kids need to contribute. Doing dishes, doing their own laundry, helping prepare meals, sweeping the floor and making their beds are basic life skills. You have no idea how many 16-year-olds I have taught to sweep a floor, dice an onion, fold a pair of socks, and even make their beds. These are all things they will have to do when they live on their own. And it’s work before play. Require these things consistently – and if the jobs aren’t done, they don’t get to play video games, go out with friends, etc. “Andy, I need help with dinner. You can go out with the guys after dinner.” And if they’re friends are already there, put them to work too. “Hey boys, if you’re going to stay and hang out, I need one of you to set the table and one of you to help Andy chop veggies.” Super simple. And if they want to be defiant, kick the friends out. They can try to come back tomorrow. Teaching kids to work is healthy. It also teaches them vital self-efficacy which increases their self-esteem and decreases their depression and anxiety. Because when kids can DO things, they feel like more capable, successful, independent people.
baskets-cabinet-clean-271711
Photo from pexels.com

4. Spend quality 1-1 time with your kid.

Even if they don’t say it, teens still want and need connection with their parents and other authority figures. Life is hard and they need someone to confide in. Make sure you regularly spend time with your kid – give them opportunities to talk about anything, trivial or otherwise, and teach them about who you are – let them get to know you. If you’re really brave, you might even say, “What can I do to support you better? What do you need from me?” Most of the time kids will be pretty honest and have some really good feedback. Play tennis, hike, go to breakfast, etc. If you want your kid to listen to you, you need to listen to them. And if you want your kid to be better about hearing the word “no” they also have to connect with you in positive ways. Teens who spend quality time with their parents are less likely to participate in deviant behaviors, more willing to take accountability, and better able to build and maintain healthy relationships.

5. Expect mistakes. 

Your teens are going to mess up. They are adults-in-training, and they haven’t figured it out yet. Instead of freaking out that your kid messed up and worrying so much about the behavior, focus on the recovery plan. “Okay Andrew, you messed up. What are you going to do about it?” Often our kids will have ideas. And if we work with them to solve problems, they will learn crucial skills about problem-solving, integrity, accountability, respect, work, and forgiveness. When we approach this as, “You made a mistake, and there are consequences, but the bigger issue is, what’s your game plan now?” instead of, “I can’t believe you did that. What is wrong with you?!” we invite our kids to be honest and we show them that we are on their side. While we are going to hold them accountable for their poor choices, we are also going to help them through. Prioritize their growth, not their past choices.
adult-adventure-biker-1010557
Photo from pexels.com

6. Don’t rescue your teen!

This is probably the biggest mistake I see parents make. It is the number one thing I re-teach kids. They are so used to being rescued that when I don’t rescue them they freak out. But don’t worry – with time and consistency it gets better. “No Emily, I can’t bring your homework to you. I’m really sorry you forgot it, but you are responsible for that. You’ll have to turn it in late.” “But Dad, I’m going to get a lower grade!” “I know, and that sucks. This is a great opportunity for you to learn responsibility.” Then you can help Emily with ideas: keep finished homework in your backpack, get up earlier, double-check your things before you leave home in the morning, etc. It is okay for teens to be uncomfortable – to need to sit with their choices, and to have to learn to clean up their own messes and deal with natural consequences. It is important and healthy. Let that be part of the process. It will save them in the long run. Because you aren’t going to be there when their human development professor won’t even accept late work and they are literally sprinting across campus their sophomore year of college to turn in a paper they procrastinated until the last minute. They have to learn BEFORE they get there. Having said this, of course you need to keep your kids safe – but I’m not talking about safety.
boys-cellphones-children-159395
Photo from pexels.com
And that’s really the great thing about raising teens – this is the time for them to make mistakes. They are learning how to become adults, and if they’re going to mess up, this is the time to do it. Much better now than when they have actual adult responsibilities. Teenagers are creators – they discover. They want to push the envelope, and they want to try new things. And that is so scary! But it’s also so wonderful. Because seriously, teenagers are the best. And I wish I had a credible citation for that!
Personal Practice 1Implement at least 2 of the above ideas with your teen this week.

References

Arbinger Institute, The. (2015). The anatomy of peace: resolving the heart of conflict. Oakland, CA. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., a BK Life Book.
Clarke, J. I., Dawson, C., & Bredehoft, D. (2014). How much is too much?: raising likeable, responsible, respectful children–from toddlers to teens–in an age of overindulgence. Boston, MA: Da Capo Lifelong, Perseus Books Group.
Heritage Community, The. (2019) Employee Handbook. PDF. Provo, UT.
Lamborn, S.D., Mounts, N.S., Steinberg, L., & Dornbusch, S.M. (1991). Patterns of competence and adjustment among adolescents from authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful families. Child Development 62, 1049-1065. DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01588.x
Lansbury, J. (2014). Setting limits with respect: What it sounds like. Retrieved from: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/04/setting-limits-with-respect-what-it-sounds-like-podcast/

 

*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!

 

 

4B3A0588edit
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

 

Continue Reading

Love, Me, Mental Notes

“I Can Learn To Swim” And Other Truths The Growth Mindset Taught Me

No Comments
Written by Allie Barnes
*Cover photo of the author by Gary Barnes*
On March 30, 2019, I lined up on the deck of a pool with hundreds of other people, swim cap on head, borrowed goggles ready to put on, nose plug discreetly tucked in the pocket of my spandex shorts, ready to put on. I began to shiver with nerves as the first swimmers jumped in the pool and began the 300m swim. Was I too far forward in the line? Should I be further back with the slower swimmers? Should I be AT THE VERY BACK, because I was probably the slowest swimmer here (or so I felt)?
I got to the edge of the pool and waited for the okay to jump in. “Take a deep breath… and exhale,” the man at the timing mat said to me. “You’ve got this. You’re good to go.” I jumped into the pool and began to swim.
Three months earlier in January 2019, I had jumped into a pool for the first time in years to try to learn how to swim more efficiently. A friend had invited me to do a sprint triathlon with her in March and the thought just kept coming into my mind. I already had a background in running, and I wasn’t too concerned about picking up cycling, but I had never felt confident in the water. I felt self-conscious every time I got in the pool and tried to swim. I technically knew how to swim (or rather, I knew how to not drown), but I always went so slowly, inhaled water through my nose, and had no endurance. The last time I remember trying to learn to swim was when I had to swim 200m for my scuba certification back in fall 2014. My friend Elizabeth met me at a pool, gave me her old pair of goggles to use, and taught me the basics of the freestyle stroke and breathing. I completed that 200m swim, and then can’t remember stepping into a public pool since then — until January 2019.
action-athlete-blue-863988
Photo from pexels.com
It wasn’t graceful. I had to pause and catch my breath at least every 25m. I swam for a total of 14 minutes, and a lot of that was resting.
I swam about once a week for the first month, then increased to two times a week. I remember the first time I felt comfortable swimming. I realized I didn’t feel as self-conscious, out of place or awkward as I had been feeling. I just felt like another swimmer training alongside those in the other lanes.
When I jumped into the pool for the triathlon I was nervous, and really, that nervousness didn’t go away until I was out of the pool. I was so nervous that I couldn’t maintain my bilateral breathing, which usually felt most comfortable to me while training. I alternated between freestyle swimming and backstroking to get through those 300m. But I did it.

Learning to Learn

My mom always tells me that I could sing before I could talk. I carried a tune perfectly, even as an infant. Music always came easy. I continued to sing in church, in middle school and high school choirs, and in indie bands as I moved into adulthood. I supplemented my talent with training, but still, it just always felt easy.
Other potential hobbies and interests did not feel that easy. I have vague memories of showing up to auditions and tryouts for random sports and clubs with little to no prior experience, expecting to just give it a go, join the team, then learn from there. I can remember sneaking out of at least two of those tryouts embarrassed, unable to keep up (for example: hip hop dance team, and I had never tried to learn a dance move in my life).
beautiful-beautiful-flower-blossom-2251450
Photo from pexels.com
Because my main hobby came so easy to me, it had never occurred to me that I needed to start from the very bottom and work my way up with other things in my life. I just associated a lack of knowledge or skill with the embarrassment of sneaking out of an audition or tryout early.
Essentially, I associated my lack of knowledge or skill with failure.
My views on this didn’t change overnight, and I can’t even pinpoint a moment when they did. I do know that in 2014, I trained and prepared for a 10k, a relay race, and my open water scuba diving certification — all things that I wouldn’t even have considered being able to complete a year earlier but the opportunities just fell into my lap within the year (though the 10k and relay races were definitely “someday” items). I had personal moments through 2015 and 2016 that tore me down and required me to emotionally build myself back up. In 2017 I followed my first training plan to prepare for my first half marathon, a task that I could hardly fathom beforehand. 
Learning to grow physically and emotionally through these various challenges definitely taught me how to be a beginner and start from the bottom, but I didn’t know how to define that until later.

The Growth Mindset

In December 2017 I read the book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck, and suddenly the pieces fell into place. It outlined the principles that I had been learning over the past few years and finally gave it a name: the Growth Mindset.
The growth mindset, according to Dweck, is the belief that our intelligence, personality, and skills are things we can develop, as opposed to things that are fixed and unchangeable.
The growth mindset views failures and setbacks as actions (“I failed”) rather than an identity (“I am a failure”) (Dweck 33). It offers the opportunity to grow and become, rather than remaining stagnant. It offers a productive purpose, instead of seeking external approval or validation. Dweck states, “When you enter a mindset, you enter a new world. In one world–the world of fixed traits–success is about proving you’re smart or talented. Validating yourself. In the other–the world of changing qualities–it’s about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself” (Dweck 15).
closeup photography of plant on ground
Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash
When I walked into the hip hop dance team tryouts with no prior dance experience, I saw myself as someone who simply could not follow choreography, was not coordinated, and awkwardly snuck out of a room full of graceful, hip popping (is that what hip hop is?), cooler-than-me high school girls. Over 10 years later, my then-boyfriend was trying to romantically slow dance with me in the kitchen while dinner cooked, and my hands instantly started sweating. It was not romantic. I’ve only recently realized that I can probably dance — I just need to take the time to learn in my own way, at my own pace.
Comparatively, by the time I started training for my first triathlon in January 2019, the growth mindset had already become a common way of thinking for me. While I was a bit embarrassed about wearing a nose plug in public, it didn’t stop me because it helped me focus on other aspects of my form (and I just slipped it off to catch my breath in between laps). If I’m sharing a lane with someone faster than me, I don’t think much of it anymore — we’re all going at our own pace, and they are probably just focusing on their training like I am on mine. I don’t care if people see me working with my swim coach on the tiny little details while they’re breezing by with seemingly 10-second laps, because the tiny little details are where I’m at right now, and I love soaking in those details and those skills. The growth mindset has taught me to love the process and not just the outcome, especially when I’m starting with a nose plugged, 25m out-of-breath slow swim. That just means there is so much more to learn, and learning is incredibly exciting!

How

The growth mindset is incredibly valuable in all areas of life, from athletic endeavors, to education, to professional development, daily habits, and more. So, how do you change from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset to see this value?
We have to change how we respond to challenges, failures, and even how we approach our goals. It’s changing that inner dialogue from “I am a failure” to “I failed” — from a permanent label to a single setback that can be moved past and overcome. It’s reframing the situation. 
Here is a short exercise you can do to begin reframing your thoughts:
Consider a situation that you’ve used to define a negative trait in yourself (or, if you’re experiencing a situation right now that really has you feeling down, use that). Write it down, and then write down your current inner dialogue. 
For example: I’m always 10-15 minutes late for everything I’m invited to. I’m never on time.
Now, reframe the situation. In this example, I put myself in a holding pattern: I’m NEVER on time. But am I NEVER on time, or have I just been late to quite a few events in the past? Rephrase the statement to reflect that.
I have been late to quite a few events in the past.
Assuming you want to improve upon that self-perceived negative trait, consider ways you can change your approach in the future.
I’m going to start getting ready 10 minutes earlier than I normally would. I’ll plan to leave the house 10 minutes early. I’m going to set alarms on my phone to remind me when I need to start getting ready and when I need to leave the house. If I get to the event early, I can just relax in my car for a few minutes before going in.
A large part of the growth mindset is taking action. I love how Dweck defines this in her book: “The critical thing is to make a concrete, growth-oriented plan, and to stick to it” (Dweck 229). Concrete. Growth-oriented. And then implementing that plan, not just sitting on it.
adult-background-casual-941693
Photo from pexels.com

The Outcome

A 2016 study shows the impact of practicing the growth mindset in an academic setting. In a survey administered in 2012 to every 10th-grade Chilean student, their parents, and school, questions about students’ “mindsets about the malleability of intelligence” were asked. The questions helped categorize the students into having a fixed mindset, growth mindset, or “mixed mindset.” Regardless of socioeconomic factors, students displaying a growth mindset consistently scored higher academically than those displaying a fixed mindset. Additionally, while the lowest-income students were twice as likely to display a fixed mindset than the highest-income students, the lowest-income students who did display a growth mindset also showed high academic success. This shows, I believe, the transformational power of the growth mindset to improve our circumstances and our lives.
As mentioned previously, I started working with a swim coach a few months after my March 2019 triathlon to help me become a more efficient swimmer. I was told that by learning proper form, I could swim with greater ease and efficiency, and it was true! With each lesson, I became more comfortable and more competent as a swimmer. I still have a lot more practice I need to get in before my next triathlon, but I’m pretty proud of my progress so far: Whereas the farthest I had swum in March was 300m, I was able to swim 750m by July, and 1000m just a few days later. In between those notable swims were a handful of swim lessons, many solo swim practices, YouTube videos, visualizing, accidentally starting out too fast, forgetting to breathe, forgetting my mantra, remembering my mantra, and more. 
If swimming 1000m comes naturally to you, that’s great. But as with most things, I didn’t just go out and swim 1000m one day — but I believed I could get there, so I put in the work and did it.
Personal Practice 1Practice reframing your fixed statements into growth statements. See the section entitled “How” for an example of how to do this.

References

Claro, S., Paunesku, D., & Dweck, C. S. (2016). Growth mindset tempers the effects of poverty on academic achievement. PNAS Early Edition, Stanford University. Under Review.
Dweck, C.S. (2012). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York, NY: Random House.
Li, Y., & Bates, T. C. (2019). You can’t change your basic ability, but you work at things, and that’s how we get hard things done: Testing the role of growth mindset on response to setbacks, educational attainment, and cognitive ability. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 148(9), 1640–1655. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/xge0000669
Saraff, S., Tiwari, A., & Rishipal. (2020). Effect of mindfulness on self-concept, self-esteem and growth mindset: Evidence from undergraduate students. Journal of Psychosocial Research, 15(1), 329–340. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.32381/JPR.2020.15.01.28

 

 

Headshot 2020
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Continue Reading