commUNITY, Love, Me

Being Grateful – Our Recovery from Selfishness & Suffering

No Comments

Cover photo by Ave Calvar on Unsplash 

Written by Dray Salcido
“Our selfishness will condemn us to the worst suffering that we ourselves have invented – loneliness.” – Paulo Coelho
This time of year evokes a more selfless spirit for many of us. Something about the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons make us feel appreciative, or make us think that’s what we should be feeling. This got me curious to compare and understand trends in selfishness over time. There are studies suggesting baby boomers are the most selfish, and others blaming the millennials for our entitled world (Martin & Roberts, 2021). Social theorists may argue selfish behavior is entirely dependent on human rights availability (Nye, 2013). There are myriad explanations.
Regardless, the literature is discrepant. You could argue and find evidence that each decade contains the most heartless people. The truth is selfishness is a human experience irrelevant of time or circumstance. It’s always existed and likely always will. Rather than focus on who or what’s to blame, why not increase our efforts toward altruistic solutions? Perhaps a practice of gratitude? Gratitude is one of our most effective tools to mitigate suffering (Brown, 2011). How is this achieved? The following describes three methods that will increase our gratitude. I suggest we remember them not only the last two months of the year but every day. 
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

Be Aware

According to Buddhist philosophy, suffering is the result of selfishness (Salcido, 2020). Christianity would say to seek not our own, but the welfare of others (King James Bible). And even those without a religious or spiritual lens feel frustrated from the selfish behaviors of others. Not only that, but we make ourselves lonely when we focus only on ourselves. Think about it, if you’re the only one on your mind, do you have room to consider others? If you only live for yourself, how can you cultivate relationships?
The fact is, the self is illusive. Why obsess over something as complex and ever changing as our ideas of who we are? I’m not suggesting that we think less of ourselves, but that we think about ourselves less. How can we do this? Be aware. I don’t mean increasing our awareness of who we think we are. Often this just feeds the ego. I mean increasing awareness of our experience. This requires noticing and being curious of the present, without judging it. Let me illustrate the difference. 
Photo by Gary Barnes from Pexels

Be Accepting

Imagine someone stole from you. Your thoughts could be, “I would never do something like that” or “Of course this happened to me, I must have a target on my back.” Whether self deprecating or self inflating, thoughts like these exacerbate our predetermined ideas of the self and bring with them feelings of anger and shame. We are essentially asking ourselves, “What does this experience mean about me?” This questioning comes from a mind that still believes we matter most, we should be invincible, and we should not have to suffer but only feel good. Because this way of thinking is not realistic, another option is to think differently. You may say to yourself, “This is disappointing” or “I wonder if those that stole were desperate?” You’re likely to feel sadness but emotionally recover quicker. Consequently, you may feel peace for letting go. This focus is more in the here and now. It accepts reality and keeps our focus on what is rather than what or who is to blame. To practice acceptance, I suggest learning more about mindfulness (Eberth & Sedlmeier, 2012) and daily meditation. And when we are not cross legged on the floor, how can we take our intentions away from the egoic self and toward compassion for others and our experience? 
Photo by Cathy Mü on Unsplash

Be unAssuming

Much of our selfishness and suffering is not in what we do and say, but in our thinking. The thoughts we choose to focus on have a great impact on our reality. Are many of your thoughts filled with criticism and comparison? These are often created when we attempt to control others or our experience. Managing our minds requires intentional work against cognitive distortions like mind reading. Mind reading is jumping to conclusions. It occurs when you believe you know what another person is thinking. You define what other people’s reasons are for doing what they do. This is done purely out of assumptions and generally with no physical evidence. We fail to acknowledge other possibilities because our thoughts make sense to us, therefore they must be “true” or “valid.”
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash
We often read minds when we’re afraid and would like to change the outcome (Strohmeier, 2016). Our motive is to change the circumstance merely because we feel uncomfortable. It is selfish to not let others think, do, and be as they’d like. Assuming is self-inflicted anxiety. Now, don’t tell yourself you’re bad for falling into this habit: we all do this! Remember to be aware and accept the moment it for what it is.
Now, how do we repair our distorted thinking? Essentially being unassuming requires humility: a firm acknowledgement that we don’t know everything, nor can we. We burn up a lot of energy believing we need answers in order to feel okay. What if the reverse was true? Perhaps we need to choose to be okay in order to find answers. So, how do we increase our knowing? Try the following:
  • Ask yourself the following questions: “Are there times when this isn’t true?” “What is another way of looking at this?” “Is this thought helpful?” “Would I rather be right, or happy?”
  • Use statements of gratitude as a way to try on new thoughts. For example, I might think, “I’m a bad person” and replace it with, “I’m grateful for when I mess up. It’s great feedback for becoming the person I really want to be!”
Photo by Alex Geerts on Unsplash
The brain is plastic. And because of this, our behavior is too. We are capable of thinking less about ourselves and more of others when we increase awareness, accept reality, and stop assuming. Let’s practice gratitude for our capacity to think more of others and less about ourselves. 
This Week:
1. Be aware. Ask yourself “What am I telling myself?” “What am I choosing to make that mean about me?” “What emotion has arrived as a result of my thinking?” “Where do I feel that in my body?”
2. Be accepting. Speak compassion to yourself for the awareness you’ve gained. Give that same compassion to those around you, and practice giving others the benefit of the doubt. 
3. Be unassuming. Remind yourself “I don’t know what other people are thinking.” Bring your thoughts to the evidence in front of you rather than what you think might be happening.
4. And most importantly: Be grateful! Be grateful for change. Be grateful for the past, present and future. Be grateful for what pain makes possible! And be grateful for the richness of your life. Intentionally choose to see it. 
References
Brown, B., Hernandez, V. R., & Villarreal, Y. (2011). Connections: A 12-session psychoeducational shame resilience curriculum. 
Eberth, J., & Sedlmeier, P. (2012). The effects of mindfulness meditation: A meta-analysis. Mindfulness, 3(3), 174-189.
King James Bible. (2008). Oxford University Press. (Original work published 1769)
Martin, G., & Roberts, S. (2021). Exploring legacies of the baby boomers in the twenty-first century. The Sociological Review, 00380261211006326.
Nye, A. (2013). Feminist theory and the philosophies of man. Routledge. 
Salcido, A. (2020). The Paradox of Attachment. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/the-paradox-of-attachment/
Strohmeier, C. W., Rosenfield, B., DiTomasso, R. A., & Ramsay, J. R. (2016). Assessment of the relationship between self-reported cognitive distortions and adult ADHD, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. Psychiatry research, 238, 153-158. 

 

Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative, life’s work.
Continue Reading

Power Couples

Gratitude – The Parent of All Virtues

No Comments

Cover photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Written by Katrina Voorhees
Sonja Lyubormirsky (what a last name, right?) Is one of the world’s leading researchers in happiness. Among the scientific approaches she suggests for well-being is a simple remedy that may sound familiar to you – Gratitude. In her book, The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want, she writes: “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry and irritation. It is savoring; it is not taking things for granted; it is present-oriented.” 
The science of gratitude, although modern in its pretext, has been around for centuries. In the heart of the Roman Empire, Cicero’s insight echoes through the centuries. Famous for his eloquent observations and timeless philosophy he wrote, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” 
Photo by Amy Burry from Pexels
This is quite a statement coming from Ancient Rome, where the acquirement of virtues had become so ingrained, they were virtually obsessed – pun intended. In fact, our English word for Virtue originates from an ancient Roman word, Virtus. “It [was said to carry] connotations of valor, manliness, excellence, courage, character, and worth,” Romans even went as far as to personify Virtus as deity.
For Cicero to claim that gratitude was the parent of all virtues was not only bold, but also incredibly instructive. To parent in this context means to bring into being, it is the source and the origin, that which produces. In other words, Cicero is saying that gratitude is not only a good habit, but also the cultivator of all character. 
Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels
A study done at the University of Miami entitled “Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life” (Emmons & McCullough, 2003) may give us some important insight. During this ingenious study, the researchers, Emmons and McCullough, decided to put gratitude to the test with two groups of college students. The first group was told to take time at the end of the day to write down at least 5 blessings, the other group was instructed to write down 5 hassles. The results? The students who took time to think about their blessings at the end of the day reported several amazing benefits as compared to the other group, including but not limited to: 
  • motivation to exercise 
  • fewer physical symptoms and less illness
  • overall positive feelings about life
  • deeper connection with others
  • more optimism about the coming week
If this simple practice could provide such significant improvements in such a short amount of time, just imagine how much of a difference gratitude can make when applied generously and consistently! 
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
Another earth-shattering study on gratitude called “To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds” (Gordon et al., 2012) teaches us that gratitude is not only important for maintaining close relationships, but it also nourishes them and helps them to blossom. Without gratitude, interpersonal relationships are left without sufficient motivation, and they quickly wither and die. On the other hand, gratitude is the glue that holds a relationship together.  Contrary to common belief, gratitude is more effective than criticism in allowing relationships to flourish. 
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels
Gratitude enriches our lives and ennobles our relationships. It brings motivation to the present moment and allows us to see others deeply. Gratitude is powerful because it pushes the present to its greatest depths of potential and instills hope in the future. Although I am not perfect at it, I have seen the miraculous effects of gratitude in my own life. As I strive to see the positive and bring out the good in others, my friendships are sweeter, my personal growth is proliferated, and my life is endowed with meaning. When it comes to gratitude, I stand with Cicero,  “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”
Take a moment every day to tell those close to you that you love them and why.
Create a gratitude journal and write about the blessings in your life!
Next time something goes really wrong (which we all know happens way too often), try and find the silver lining. Look for the beauty amidst the chaos.

References

Cultivate the Healing Power of Gratitude. (2012, November 4). Chopra. https://chopra.com/articles/cultivate-the-healing-power-of-gratitude
‌Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.84.2.377‌
Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257–274. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028723
Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). The how of happiness : A practical guide to getting the life you want. London Piatkus.
“Virtus” in Ancient Rome. (2019, May 3). Brewminate: We’re Never far from Where We Were. https://brewminate.com/virtus-in-ancient-rome/#:~:text=Virtus%20was%20a%20crucial%20component%20for%20a%20political 
Zahn, R., Moll, J., Paiva, M., Garrido, G., Krueger, F., Huey, E. D., & Grafman, J. (2009). The Neural Basis of Human Social Values: Evidence from Functional MRI. Cerebral Cortex (New York, NY), 19(2), 276–283. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhn080
Continue Reading

Love, Me, Mental Notes

Distress Management 101

No Comments

Cover photo by Finn Hackshaw on Unsplash

Written by Anasteece Smith
Feeling overwhelmed? Exhausted? Irritable? Discouraged? Stressed? 
You are not alone. We are living in unprecedented times, and that tends to stress us out. A lot of the outlets that we may normally use to cope with our stress have been restricted or taken away and that makes it harder to maintain fluctuating levels of stress. 
Let’s talk about some ways you can better manage your stress, because, as a professor of mine would so lovingly remind me, “stress management is life management.” 

Prioritize 

When we’re stressed, it can be really hard to figure out what we need to do and how to accomplish it. What things absolutely have to get done and what things can wait? There is a wide variety of resources out there to help answer this question, such as the Covey Quadrant Method, the prioritized to-do list, Productivity Boot Camp, etc. My personal favorite is the sticky note method, which essentially gives you a visual representation of what you’ve accomplished. 
pexels-kaboompics-com-6360
Photo by Kaboompics .com from Pexels
The sticky note method goes like this (Wheeler, 2019):
  1. Get a pad of sticky notes
  2. Write down what you need to get done, one task per sticky note
  3. Make sure that when you write the task you are specific. For example, “spend 30 minutes trimming the bushes” instead of “yard work”
  4. Once you have the tasks you need to get done written out, take the sticky notes and put them somewhere you can see them in order from most important to least important 
  5. When you finish a task, take the sticky note off and throw it away
If you don’t finish all of the tasks by the end of the day, that’s okay! Rarely do we finish everything we intend to accomplish all in one sitting. Leave the sticky notes up and then keep working on them the next day. 
nathan-dumlao-cspncX4cUnQ-unsplash
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Self-Care

We have talked a lot about self-care here at the Healthy Humans Project, and that’s because it is so important! Being stressed out all the time often leaves us feeling like we don’t have the time or energy to take care of ourselves, but it’s absolutely vital that we do. It may seem more important to get those dishes done or disinfect the high-touch services for the third time this week, but this will ultimately leave you feeling tired and even more exhausted than before. Make the time each day to take care of yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to take three hours for self-care! Your self-care is going to look different depending on your current level of stress, and on your needs for that day (Gordon, 2019). One day it may be taking 20 minutes to watch an episode of your favorite show, doing a face mask, or even taking a nap. Other days you’ll have more time to take that bubble bath or watch that movie on your watch list. What matters is that you are taking the time to take care of yourself. 

Exercise

Exercise is one of the best forms of stress relief. The type of exercise you choose doesn’t really matter, what matters that you move your body on a daily basis. Find what makes you feel good! Moving your body can mean dancing in the kitchen to blasting music, going for a run, doing a workout video from YouTube, or going to the gym (if, you know, that’s an option). Exercise has many benefits for stress. When you exercise your body naturally releases endorphins (sometimes known as a runner’s high), which makes you feel happier. When you exercise consistently it can boost your mood and help with mild depression and anxiety (Exercise and Stress, 2018). 
christopher-campbell-kFCdfLbu6zA-unsplash
Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash
Additionally, exercise is great for helping ease the body’s response to stress. Our bodies have two major nervous systems that govern a wide variety of physiological responses, known as the parasympathetic and the sympathetic nervous systems. The parasympathetic system is commonly referred to as the “rest and digest” system, and the sympathetic as the fight, flight or freeze response. When we are stressed, our body triggers the sympathetic nervous system, causing muscle tension, a racing heart, and adrenaline release throughout the body to prepare for fight, flight or freeze. As we exercise, our body is able to use this stress response to actually benefit our body by building muscle and strengthening our cardiovascular system. It also helps to regulate our body’s stress response. Check out this video here, and this one here if you would like to learn more.

Sleep

Stress can impact our ability to sleep, which is problematic because we also need sleep to help combat stress! While we sleep, our bodies do maintenance to repair and heal our bodies, as well as helping with memory consolidation (Stress and Sleep, 2013). When we are stressed, we often don’t get enough sleep, leaving us tired or even more stressed (anyone else stress how much sleep they aren’t getting??). Most often, stress leaves us unable to get high-quality sleep, which then affects our mood and our ability to cope with life. 
pexels-burst-374898 (2)
We need to make sure that we are getting at least 8 hours of sleep at night regardless of age (kids, babies and teens are in the group that needs more than that). Thankfully, there are some things we can do to help us sleep better. First, establish a routine around bedtime. For example, take a shower, brush your teeth, read for 30 minutes, and then go to sleep. Sticking to a routine signals to the body that it is time to go to sleep. Second, turn off electronics two hours before bedtime. Blue light is notoriously known for interfering with the ability to sleep. Or, if you have to use a device, switch it to night mode where it turns down how much blue light your screen emits. Third, save the bed for sleeping and sex with your partner. The less we do in bed, the more the brain will associate it with sleeping, making it easier to actually get sleep. (How to Sleep Better, 2020)

Mindfulness—Breathing 

Mindfulness and its various practices have endless benefits. But I want to talk specifically about breathing because it’s one of the most underrated stress management techniques. As we all know, we have to breathe in order to survive. But our breathing has a greater effect on our bodies than we sometimes realize. Our breathing has the ability to help calm the sympathetic nervous system (remember that fight, flight, freeze response?) by lowering our heart rate, relaxing our muscles, and helping us get back to our thinking brain. 
Here is an easy breathing technique you can try, taught by LMFT Tammy Hill: 
  1. Close your eyes and sit comfortably 
  2. Inhale for three counts 
  3. Hold at the top for three counts
  4. Exhale for three counts
  5. Repeat as needed

Connect

“We are neurobiologically hardwired for connection with other people. In the absence of connection, love, and belonging, there is always suffering.”– Brené Brown, Netflix Special The Call to Courage
We are hardwired for connection, and that connection helps us to deal with our stress. We need other people to talk to, to vent to, to support, and to support us. Being around others and interacting with others helps to ease the stress of everyday life. When we feel we have people we can turn to, or know that we have people supporting us, we can get through difficult times because we know we are loved regardless of our personal successes or failures. While it may not be possible to connect with people in person right now, we can video chat, text, call, write letters, etc. to keep connected with others.
pexels-helena-lopes-708440 (2)
Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels
For me personally, it has been so hard to not have in-person interaction with people outside of my spouse. Yes, I have been able to video chat and text, but it’s not the same as sitting down with friends at a restaurant or participating in in-person church services. It feels isolating to sit behind a screen and not be able to give someone a hug or be there for them when it feels like everything is falling apart for them or to be able to celebrate a graduation or marriage. Just know that if you are struggling too, you are not alone.

Gratitude

Sometimes in the mounds of stress, it’s easy to forget that there is more to life than just getting our to-do list done. Being grateful doesn’t take a lot of time,. It can simply be saying, “Today I am grateful to be alive,” or “I’m grateful that I got out of bed today.” It can be sitting down at the end of the day and writing down three things you’re grateful for in a journal. These few moments may seem insignificant, but they can literally re-wire our brains. Research has found that people who keep a gratitude journal see a decline in perceived stress in as little as two weeks, meaning that when we are grateful we see things more as they truly are rather than just what we are stressed about (UC Davis Health, 2015). As we look for things to be grateful for, our perspective shifts and it makes it easier to cope with our day-to-day lives. So, right now, pause to write down three things you’re grateful for, send a text saying thank you to someone, and remember that life won’t always be like this!
taisiia-stupak-sePA_raTCUk-unsplash (3)
Photo by Taisiia Stupak on Unsplash

Self-Compassion

Finally, when we are stressed, one of the most important things we can do is to remember to have compassion for ourselves. Often, we won’t get everything done that we would like to, and that’s okay! Some days we won’t get anything done because stress, mental health etc. require us to step back and take a do-nothing day to take care of ourselves. When those days and moments come, it’s imperative that we have compassion for ourselves. It’s okay to step back and say, “I’m struggling right now and so are others. I can be mindful of my emotions and acknowledge them without being consumed by them. I can be kind and understanding to myself regardless of whether I got everything done that I would have liked.” Self-compassion is a powerful principle! If you’d like to learn more about it, I would recommend checking this Ted Talk by self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff.
Don’t let your stress get the best of you. Take things a day at a time, don’t give up, and be kind to yourself. We’re all figuring this out, and we’ll make it through together!
For more ways to cope with distress, check out The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook from the New Harbinger Institute. 
Personal Practice 1Choose one of the strategies listed in this article to implement into your life this week to help you better manage your distress. 

References

Brown, B. (2019). The Call to Courage [Video file]. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166
Exercise and stress: Get moving to manage stress. (2020, August 18). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469
Gordon, R. (2019, August 29). Self-Care for Busy Humans. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/self-care-for-busy-humans/
How to Sleep Better. (2020, August 13). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.sleepfoundation.org/articles/healthy-sleep-tips
Stress and Sleep. (2013). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2013/sleep
UC Davis Health, P. (2015, November 25). Gratitude is good medicine. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://health.ucdavis.edu/medicalcenter/features/2015-2016/11/20151125_gratitude.html
Wheeler, C. (2019, May 20). How to Get Way More Done Using the Sticky Note Technique. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://academysuccess.com/sticky-note-technique/ 

 

 

IMG_2524
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
 
Continue Reading

Love, Me

The Happiness Equation – A Secret to More Satisfaction

No Comments
Written by Rian Gordon
Over the last fifty years, humankind has accrued more and more wealth, developed technology to increase our comfort and ease of living, and improved the quality of life of people all over the world. And yet, believe it or not, over the years our happiness levels as a species has remained relatively the same. Why is this? In his book, “When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness” (2018), psychologist Tim Bono outlines a measure for happiness that may explain this frustrating phenomenon:

Happiness = What you Have / What you Want

If you don’t like math, stick with me, I’ll explain. According to this equation, we have two options for increasing the amount of happiness we experience from day to day. We can either 1) increase what we have, or 2) decrease what we want.
By nature of our current society, we are already constantly working to increase what we have. We go to school to get jobs that allow us to make more money to buy more stuff. However, research has shown that just because you have more stuff does not mean that you are actually happier. This is partially due to the fact that we naturally adapt to new environments. Apparently, increasing what we have only brings temporary satisfaction because we quickly adjust to a “new normal”. Think of when you first get a new phone – it’s fun and exciting to explore all of the new features and to personalize everything. After a while, though, the novelty wears off. What was once new and novel becomes “same-old” once again.
post-2017 iPhone
Photo by Lorenzo Rui on Unsplash
Getting more stuff also doesn’t automatically increase your happiness because the second half of the equation, what you want, is also constantly increasing. This is compounded in particular by social media. We are constantly bombarded with others’ idealized lives, and this tends to make what we have seem like not enough.
So how do we stop this equation from getting so out of proportion? The answer is a matter of shifting our perspective from what we want, to what we already have. In other words, we need to practice GRATITUDE.

The Power of Gratitude

Research has shown that actively practicing gratitude in our daily lives can actually significantly increase our happiness (Llenares et al., 2020). One particular study found that a group of young adults who kept a weekly record of the positive things that happened in their lives, “felt significantly better about their lives overall, were more optimistic about the week ahead, and even got sick less frequently,” than a comparison group who kept track of the hassles that happened during their week (Bono, 2018). Focusing on gratitude shifts our perspective. It allows us to move from away from the emptiness of what we lack, and to move towards appreciating the fullness of what is already ours. It can also help us look outside ourselves towards others and how we can use our influence and what we have to help them find more meaning and bounty in their lives.
affection-appreciation-art-424517
Photo from pexels.com
Furthermore, research on the brain has shown that the more we practice gratitude, the easier it actually becomes for us to automatically focus on gratitude. Consistently turning our thoughts towards what we are blessed with creates pathways in our brains that eventually cause us to more readily think about what we are grateful for.
Here are a few ideas that can help you make a habit of practicing gratitude:
  • Congratulate Someone: Next time you see someone sharing good news on social media (maybe even something that you feel a little jealous of), make an effort to reach out and congratulate them. Sharing in someone’s joy rather than giving in to the green monster of envy can help brighten their day, and shift your focus back to what you’ve been blessed with in your life!
  • Gratitude Journal: Taking the time to physically write out the things that you are grateful for, whether it’s once a day, once a week, or once a month can help you keep track of your gratitude, and will help you actively look for things that you are grateful for. This can be something for you to treasure, especially if you are going through something that makes it difficult for you to practice gratitude. Remember, the more often you practice, the better you can re-train your brain to focus on what you have!
  • Writing Letters: Think of someone who has impacted you in your life, and take the time to write them a letter expressing your appreciation (if you don’t have time to hand-write something, send them an email or even a Facebook message!). Not only will this help you think of and be grateful for the ways that other people have blessed your life, but it will make someone’s day as well! Click here for a free download we’ve created to help you write someone a thank you letter.
  • Share With a Partner: You can actually kill two birds with one stone by sharing what you are grateful for with your partner or someone you love. Practicing gratitude with another person helps you as you work to re-wire your brain for gratitude, and it also gives you some time to connect and be open with your partner – things that are essential for strong and healthy relationships!
Practicing gratitude is guaranteed to increase the happiness you feel in your life. And while it may not seem like you have much initially, the more you practice, the more you will find to be grateful for! So, give gratitude a try. What have you got to lose?
Choose one way to increase your happiness by practicing gratitude this week!

References

Bono, T., PhD. (2018). When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness. New York, NY: Grand Central Life & Style.
Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377
Hui, Q.-P., He, A.-M., & Liu, H.-S. (2015). A situational experiment about the relationship among gratitude, indebtedness, happiness and helping behavior. Chinese Mental Health Journal, 29(11), 852–857.
Llenares, I. I., Deocaris, C. C., Espanola, M., & Sario, J. A. (2020). Gratitude moderates the relationship between happiness and resilience. The International Journal of Emotional Education, 12(2), 103–108.

 

 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Continue Reading

Power Couples

4 Ways to a Better Relationship with Your Mother-In-Law

No Comments
Written by Shirley Anderson
A first century Roman satirist once stated that couples should “give up all hope of peace as long as your mother-in-law is still alive” (Shih, 2015). Believe it or not, negative stereotypes and degrading jokes about mothers-in-law have been around since the dawn of time. Contrary to prevailing societal norms, our relationship with our mother-in-law can be amicable and even enjoyable when grounded in mutual love and respect. Below are 4 simple ways to help you jump-start this fruitful relationship.

#1 Have an Attitude of Gratitude

When was the last time you genuinely thanked your mother-in-law? Did you thank her for remembering your birthday, calling to check-in, or for striving to be involved in your family’s life? If it proves difficult to find things you’re grateful for, remember that  she raised, loved, and shaped your companion into the person he/she is today- the person you chose to spend your life with! Many of the talents and attributes you love in your spouse may be directly attributed to her. Being grateful is an important habit to utilize when a relationship is strained. Expressing gratitude often will help you maintain a favorable perspective of your mother-in-law.

#2 Rethink Your Expectations

The majority of issues that arise in the in-law relationship (and any relationship, for that matter) emerge from unknown, unspoken and therefore unmet expectations. Research has found that women often “evaluate their mothers-in-law relying on their own mothers as the standard for comparison” (Shih, 2015). And while they “expect [their own] mothers to be very involved in their lives as an extension of their close bonds, they want mothers-in-law to walk a tightrope between close emotional bonds and noninterference.” Is it any wonder that so many unspoken and unrealistic expectations are never met?
black pants
Photo by Dario Valenzuela on Unsplash
Practice verbalizing your expectations with your spouse, and directly with your mother-in-law. As you invite open communication you will realize which of those expectations are realistic and which need to be modified or set aside. Equally important is asking your mother-in-law about her expectations. An open dialogue will diminish the strain of complicated unknown and unspoken expectations and feelings.

#3 Set Healthy Boundaries

Mental health professionals have said, “Healthy boundaries can be the difference between a healthy, happy relationship and a toxic, dysfunctional relationship….because one may feel that they have no privacy anymore” (Hall Health Center Health Promotion staff, 2014). A key to being able to love wholeheartedly, void of resentment, is to create and maintain healthy boundaries. Remember that your responsibility first and foremost is to your nuclear family (spouse and children), and sometimes this means setting boundaries with well-intentioned extended family. Too often we let feelings of indebtedness overshadow our needs as individuals or family units, which inevitably leads to resentment. Research shows that, “when one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom” (Cloud & Townsend, 2002). Study out what is important to you and your spouse and create ways in which you can diplomatically set boundaries which will increase love and connection without jeopardizing your own self-control and privacy.  
Extended family smiling and kissing in a park
Photo from pexels.com

#4 Be a Kinkeeper

A kinkeeper refers to the wise individual who keeps the larger perspective and end goal in mind–the perpetuation of familial solidarity and cohesion. This person puts forth concerted effort to initiate the nurturing of family relationships and maintains connection throughout the highs and lows of life. It is far too easy and common to criticize or distance ourselves when difficult situations arise, but a kinkeeper values family relationships above personal pride and petty preferences. The kinkeeper will reflect on the issue and initiate whatever measures are necessary to mend and maintain the relationship. Developing the habit of kinkeeping can greatly increase daughter/son and mother-in-law relationships and significantly decrease family tension.

Conclusion:

These four practices will certainly not eliminate all disappointment, frustration or misunderstanding. However, as these practices become habits, they will enable you to create a deep familial bond with your mother-in-law that will set the tone for your shared family culture and influence generations to come.
Choose one of these practices to implement with your mother-in-law this week!

References

Adler, L. L., Davis, W. M., Ahmed, R., Mrinal, N. R., Mukherji, B. R., & Morgan, N. (1989). The perception of mother-in-law and father-in-law in cross-cultural perspective. International Journal  of Group Tensions, 19, 245–254.
Cloud, H., Townsend, J. (2002). Boundaries in Marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Hall Health Center Health Promotion staff. (2014, January). Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships. Retrieved from: http://depts.washington.edu/hhpccweb/health-resource/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships/
Shih, K. Y., & Pyke, K. (2015). Seeing mothers-in-law through the lens of the mothering ideology: An interview analysis of Taiwanese, Taiwanese American, and Mexican American daughters-in-law. Journal of Family Issues37(14), 1968–1993. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0192513X15570319
Turner, M. J., Young, C. R., & Black, K. I. (2006). Daughters-in-Law and Mothers-in-Law Seeking Their Place Within the Family: A Qualitative Study of Differing Viewpoints. Family Relations: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies, 55(5), 588–600. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2006.00428.x

 

 

 

IMG_20180509_194208

Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Continue Reading