Written by McKay Strong with Intro from Rian Gordon
The Healthy Humans Project is all about providing you with research-based information and tools to help you actively improve your relationships. As we tried to narrow down the different relationships that have power in our lives, we felt that we would be remiss if we weren’t to include one of the most important relationships in our own personal lives, and in the lives of many of our followers – a relationship with God, or a Higher Power. This is a relationship that, when nurtured, has the potential to positively affect all of our other relationships. Research has shown that relying on a Higher Power can help strengthen resilience, increase empathy and meaning, and even improve mental and physical health. Furthermore, spiritual practices such as prayer or meditation have been shown to positively impact other meaningful relationships such as the couple relationship. In the “Reaching Higher” category, we want to explore how we can improve our relationship with our own Higher Power, and how that relationship can help us achieve healthier and more meaningful relationships in all areas of our lives. Thank you for joining us on this journey!
Note: As our experience as the writers of HHP is mostly with the Judeo-Christian tradition, many of our posts will likely include thoughts associated with that specific tradition. However, we would love to be as inclusive as possible, and will do our best to include as many relevant ideas and concepts from as many different traditions and ideologies as we can. If you have any feedback or ideas on how you would like to see us accomplish this, please contact The Healthy Humans Project here!
Condensed from “Forgive and Forget” by Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is often difficult for people to master, and I am no exception. My greatest flaw by far is my ability to hold grudges, but I am constantly striving to reach higher and become more like the God that I believe in. My God is forgiving, kind, and patient. If someone with omnipotent power can find it in Himself to forgive very-flawed-me, I think I should give the same courtesy to His other children.
Are you having a hard time forgiving someone (maybe even yourself) as God does? Here are eight steps to get you started:
1. Take the initiative.
You cannot sit around and wait for someone to apologize to you. If they haven’t already, they may never! Think about it this way: who is being impacted by your hurt feelings – you or them? Sometimes the answer may be “them,” but always it is you. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be a gift that you give to others – if you choose to forgive only to alleviate your suffering, that’s a good enough place to start.
2. If the forgiven person wants to reenter your life, it is fair to demand truthfulness.
If you choose to let someone who has hurt you re-enter your life, you are allowed to show them how they’ve hurt you. Even more, you have the right to expect them not to hurt you in that way again.
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3. Be patient.
It takes time! Hurt feelings can’t and won’t disappear with just a simple, “I’m sorry.” So be patient with others, but don’t forget to also be patient with yourself.
4. Forgive “retail,” not “wholesale.”
I highly recommend focusing on what in particular hurt you. It can be very difficult – almost unrealistic – to forgive someone for, in general, just being a bad person. You can, however, write down what act you feel you are ready to forgive.
5. Don’t expect too much.
I always think of a story that one of my professors told me in college: He had been dating a girl, was very in love with her, and they were talking about marriage. He eventually found out that she cheated on him. She was so, so excited when he came around to forgiving her because that meant that they could continue their lives together. He forgave her because he knew he was supposed to, but the trust was gone and that was not something that he could ever see coming back. He forgave her, he loved her, and he let her go. If you are being abused, neglected, or taken advantage of, you are not obligated to stay in that situation. Forgiveness does not mean you have to renew a once-close relationship of any kind.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
6. Discard your self-righteousness.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.” You will make as many – if not more – mistakes as the person who has wronged you. Yes, you may be a victim, but you too will need forgiveness someday. Remember that.
7. Separate anger from hate.
Your feelings are valid! You are allowed to feel hurt and betrayed. Your emotions are natural, but they don’t have to stay tied to the one that hurt you forever.
8. Forgive yourself.
I’ve always had a hard time loving myself. I am very aware of my flaws, and even if others ignore or forgive them, I just can’t seem to be able to. I am a notorious grudge-holder, and my relationship with myself is no exception. At a particularly difficult time in my life, during one of my (many) faith crises, a loving mentor told me, “God has already forgiven you. You just need to forgive yourself.” I had been taught from a young age that God would forgive our sins, but eventually, I had to learn to forgive them myself.
Think of just one person that you need to forgive – even if that person is you! Write down what act you feel you are ready to forgive, and ponder how you would apply these eight steps to forgive as God would.
References (Article)
Enright, R. D. (1996). Counseling within the forgiveness triad: On forgiving, receiving forgiveness, and self‐forgiveness. Counseling and values, 40(2), 107-126.
Enright, R. D. (1991). The moral development of forgiveness. Handbook of moral behavior and development, 1, 123-152.
Smedes, L. B. (2007). Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve (Plus). San Francisco, CA: HarperOne.
References (Introduction)
Cranney, S. (2013). Do people who believe in God report more meaning in their lives? The existential effects of belief. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 52(3), 638–646. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jssr.12046
Kaskutas, L. A. (2009). Alcoholics Anonymous effectiveness: Faith meets science. Journal of Addictive Diseases, 28(2), 145–157. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/10550880902772464
Lambert, N., Fincham, F. D., DeWall, N. C., Pond, R., & Beach, S. R. (2013). Shifting toward cooperative tendencies and forgiveness: How partner-focused prayer transforms motivation. Personal Relationships, 20(1), 184–197. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2012.01411.x
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., Stillman, T. F., Graham, S. M., & Beach, S. R. H. (2010). Motivating change in relationships: Can prayer increase forgiveness? Psychological Science, 21(1), 126–132. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0956797609355634
Nooney, J., & Woodrum, E. (2002). Religious coping and church-based social support as predictors of mental health outcomes: Testing a conceptual model. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 41(2), 359–368. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/1468-5906.00122
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
At the beginning of 2017, I finally walked away from a chaotic on-again off-again relationship that had left me living in trauma for those past three years. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. It was a long time coming, but it was still so difficult, and so painful. One of the things that actually brought me a good laugh was when close friends of mine offered to prank my ex, or mess with him in whatever way— even though I knew I’d never take them up on the offers. It was comforting to know that I had friends who had my back in that way, and who knew how to give me a good laugh. It was also a bit awesome to imagine my ex spending days trying to figure out, for example, why his car smelled like a rotting fish! (Again, I never did any of the recommended pranks, but I still think of that particular recommendation with a laugh!)
I chose to approach the breakup—and my trauma recovery—with firm boundaries and with kindness, and I truly believe that this is how I was able to heal and find personal resolution and forgiveness toward my ex.
Boundaries
When we finally parted ways, I set a boundary of ZERO communication with my ex. This was hard—he had been my best friend for years and someone I still connected with in a lot of ways—but because of both his past patterns and my own, I knew that ZERO contact was the only way for me to move forward.
Boundaries will definitely look different for individuals actively in relationships—both romantic and platonic. Each person’s individual boundaries reflect their needs and values. I love how psychologist and researcher Brené Brown defines boundaries: “Boundaries are a clear understanding of what is okay for you and what is not okay for you.” She continues (and this ties into my next point), “There is no way that you can be deeply compassionate towards somebody if they are violating your boundaries at the same time.”
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Boundaries can be anything from a parent enforcing a bedtime, to a young adult maintaining work hours even if a social event conflicts with those hours. In a romantic relationship, boundaries could be anything from requesting a few minutes to decompress after work, to not performing certain sexual acts. Boundaries can be emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, or sexual. Of boundaries, author Melody Beattie elaborates, “We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships. One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters of our relationships. …We can tell [a] person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours.”
My boundaries with the people around me are constantly evolving as I learn more about myself and my own needs. In that moment with my ex, my immediate need was no contact at all for the foreseeable future. That gave me the space to not only move forward, but to begin to heal.
“Information is a powerful tool,” Beattie states, “and having the information about what a particular relationship is—the boundaries and definitions of it—will empower us to take care of ourselves in it.”
Choosing Kindness
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
-Brene Brown
Toward the end of that relationship, as things were falling apart and trauma was building up, I remember driving through the mountains of Utah listening to a woman named Nicole share her story on the LifeBeats Project podcast. Nicole’s husband of nearly a decade had first asked for a divorce, which was painful enough alone, but later also admitted infidelity. Nicole then shared of her immediate decision to choose to be kind instead of cruel toward him. The whole interview was so, so good, and I highly recommend you listen to it! But the point is, it resonated with me. Nicole gave words to some of the feelings I had been experiencing. I felt pain and grief, but I could still choose kindness.
Photo from pexels.com
I chose to be kind to my ex, but this does not mean that I was always perfect at it. I still felt hurt, and I felt frustrated as I experienced lingering trauma and triggers. I’m sure I badmouthed him too many times to friends of mine, and I do feel sorry about that (live and learn). But when a negative feeling came, I always aimed to redirect it to a neutral feeling—and eventually those neutral feelings became positive feelings.
Above everything else, I know that I never stopped caring about him. That care and seeking for kind thoughts and feelings eventually led me to peace.
Eventual Forgiveness
In time, the triggers and trauma from that relationship decreased. Life continued on. Thoughts of my ex caused less pain than before, and gradually I found peace with the situation. I remember the day I saw him drive by me as I sat in my car at a red light, and I felt no trigger, stress, or fear. I merely laughed. I finally, finally found the forgiveness and peace that I had been seeking.
Part of this healing came from simply living my life and seeking new experiences, including growing through new relationships. But I believe a big part of that forgiveness came from those base choices that I made from the beginning— to set and maintain my personal boundaries, and to consciously choose kindness. Forgiveness didn’t come overnight, but it came, and with it came the peace I had been craving for years.
Option 1: Identify a need you feel in your life— whether your need is being met or not. Create a boundary to help ensure this need is met. Share your need and boundary with someone close to you, ideally someone involved in helping you meet that need. (Example: You recognize that checking your work email in the mornings upon waking stresses you out, so you set a boundary to not open your email until you get into the office. You share this with your boss or a co-worker).
Option 2: When a negative thought toward someone comes into your mind, notice it, and consciously let it go. Perhaps think of a positive aspect to that individual, or ponder a way to give that person the benefit of the doubt. Consider writing these thought processes down.
References
Beattie, M. (1990). The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency. “August 20: Honesty in Relationships,” 232-233. Hazelden Publishing.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong. New York: Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of Random House.
Johnson, B. (2007, February 14). Learning that kindness is a strength and not a weakness, especially when you are hurt by others | with Nicole Hudson of Bot Communications. [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://www.thelifebeatsproject.com/nicole
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Psychologists and other social scientists have found over and over that forgiveness is an important part of personal mental health, and that forgiving is more for the forgiver than the forgiven. Forgiveness is an important skill across all personal and family relationships because all of us make mistakes, and all of us have been hurt in one way or another by someone we associate with. Research shows us that in strong relationships, couples forgive more readily, and that forgiveness fosters increased intimacy and trust.
Sometimes, though, it is hard to know what forgiveness really is. And our incorrect perceptions about forgiveness can make the idea a source of even greater mental stress, pain, or even anger. Some of us feel that if we forgive, the other person will not be held accountable. We feel that if we forgive, we are letting things go too much, and allowing ourselves to be mistreated and walked all over. Some of us believe that forgiveness is just moving on entirely and pretending that no wrong was ever committed at all. Not quite. So let me tell you what forgiveness is NOT.
1. Forgiveness is not removing accountability.
Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean that they aren’t responsible for their actions. All actions have consequences, good or bad. You can forgive someone and still not trust them, or still need something from them, or still expect them to make repairs – emotionally or physically.
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
2. Forgiveness is not the same as reparation.
This ties into the previous point. Just because someone has been forgiven, does not mean they are no longer required to own up to the consequences of their actions. It simply means that no grudge is held or vengeance wanted.
3. Forgiveness is not allowing yourself to be a victim.
When we forgive someone for their wrongs, we are not saying, “Please, continue mistreating me.” We are not making ourselves doormats. When we forgive someone, we choose to take responsibility for our emotions and not harbor ill will, but that doesn’t mean that we forfeit the right to advocate for ourselves and our needs. Even with forgiveness, we still have room to state our expectations, be treated with respect, and in the worst cases, end unhealthy relationships.
Photo by Desola Lanre-Ologun on Unsplash
4. Forgiveness is not pretending you’re okay when you aren’t.
It is possible to say, “I forgive you, but this isn’t okay and we need to talk about it.” It is also possible to say, “I am hurt and angered by what was done; I’m not okay. But I want to be.” We can also say, “I want to work through this, but that means some changes need to be made.” Which brings us to my final point.
5. Forgiveness is not an instant event.
Remember that forgiveness, especially for the big offenses, does not always come overnight. Most of us are unable to forgive overnight when we are hurt, especially in the face of traumatic experiences. Forgiveness takes time, and that is absolutely okay. We are not even required to say, “I forgive you.” We are only expected to try – mostly for ourselves.
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We forgive for ourselves as much as for anyone else. By holding a grudge or seeking revenge, we prevent our own growth, mental health and happiness. Forgiveness is a process in which we free ourselves. It is us saying, “I am not okay with what happened, and I have boundaries. But I also do not make room in my life for negative space and grudges. I do not have to power struggle to be happy.”
References
Enright, R. D. (2001). Forgiveness is a choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope. Washington, DC, US: American Psychological Association.
Lopez, S. J., & Snyder, C. R. (2011). Handbook of positive psychology. Oxford: Oxford Univ. Press.
Meek, W., Ph.D. (2012, July 26). Myths of Forgiveness. Retrieved June 4, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/notes-self/201207/myths-forgiveness
McCullough, M. E., & Witvliet, C. V. (2005). The Psychology of Forgiveness (S. J. Lopez, Ed.). In C. R. Snyder (Ed.), Handbook of positive psychology(pp. 448-455). Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Sweet, R. (2001). Forgiveness and Restoration. Retrieved June 4, 2018, from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/forgiveness-and-restoration/forgiveness-what-it-is-and-what-it-isnt
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
