The word brings incredibly deep despair, discouragement, pain and heartache. A diagnosis of infertility brings with it a drastic change in identity. Men and women’s identities are biologically, psychologically, socially, and often spiritually entwined in being able to create life. And while 85% of couples are able to get pregnant without extraordinary measures, often “accidentally”, the other 15% of couples are emotionally exhausted, stressed, and lonely.
I want you to understand the stress that your loved ones are facing. The sense of loss is great. The struggle is significant. And if you can understand, then you can really help. And we want you to understand and help.
How bad is the stress?
Turns out, that women undergoing infertility treatment exhibit the same stress levels that cancer patients do. And many cancer survivors who struggled with infertility after their cancer reported that their stress during infertility was higher than when they were undergoing cancer treatment. They reported feeling more isolated, having less support from loved ones, and reported a significant impact on their sense of individuality and identity (Gurevich, 2016). The likelihood of an infertile woman experiencing a severe depressive episode is estimated to be nearly four times higher than for fertile women (Domar, et al., 2005). Men are more likely to receive hurtful comments about their infertility than women are. Many men dealing with infertility experience stress, particularly if they withdraw, do not seek social support, and desire children comparable to the degree their female counterparts do. Men receive less support and are subject to more thoughtless commentary than women, especially in the workplace (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
Photo from pexels.com
Infertility is a crisis, affecting not only physiology, but also finances and other resources, couple relationships, sexual functioning, social connections, immediate and long term goals and life plans, and family and social relationships (Rubin, 2001).
Finances
Finances are another obvious stressor. Most insurance companies do not cover infertility treatment because it is “elective”. Currently, 35 states do not require insurance companies to provide any kind of fertility coverage. The 15 states that do mandate insurance coverage vary in their requirements, and across the nation, very few companies cover more than testing for the diagnosis of infertility issues. The few companies that do cover IVF (in vitro fertilization) usually have a lifetime cap of $10,000-$25,000. When you consider that one cycle of IVF costs $12,000-$15,000, and that two-thirds of women don’t have a successful birth until after the 6th cycle, the numbers quickly become overwhelming. With these odds, a couple could easily pay $50,000 out of pocket, IF they live in one of 15 states covering IVF, with the very best case scenario of a $25,000 lifetime coverage plan And this doesn’t even include prenatal or postnatal care, by the way. This is just getting the bun in the oven.
Sex
Another contributing factor to infertility-related stress is the dramatic change in sex life. For most people, sex is a fun, and extremely meaningful part of a relationship that helps people connect and bond with one another. It is an expression of love, trust, and vulnerability. But when going through infertility, sex becomes a scheduled medical procedure based on body temperature and ovulation schedule, rather than intimacy and love (Rubin, 2001).
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Biological Factors and Medical Treatments
Do not even get me started on the hormone levels. That’s a whole other rabbit hole. Imagine your wife having those wild pregnancy hormones and crippling stress….but no baby. Nothing to show for it. Just persistent hormones and mood swings…and an empty uterus. Whether it’s a couple of simple medications, IUI, or IVF, infertility treatment is hard, and every failed attempt restarts the hope-despair cycle, contributing to the increase of severe depressive episodes experienced by those struggling with infertility.
Stigma and Hurtful (even if unintentional) Comments and Actions
Because infertility is not normative, those battling it often feel the need to make excuses or explain their conditions because of the way others treat them, as if the condition is somehow inappropriate or wrong. This helps to explain the social aspects, and not merely physical aspects of infertility, and how the stigmas surrounding it can socially and psychologically damage infertile couples further. Researchers have addressed the social psychology of infertility, explaining further that infertility is an unwanted social status, and therefore carries a stigma (Matthews & Matthews, 1986). Because of stigmas and fear of hurtful or unsupportive treatment, 15% of women and 19% of men do not tell their families when they are undergoing IVF treatment and 23% of couples have not told both sets of parents, only one. (Peters, et al., 2005). The trouble with this is that those who are generally expected and hoped to be closest to a couple are not part of their support system, making them more susceptible to mental illnesses like depression. And men are more likely to receive hurtful comments than women (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
Photo from pexels.com
How to help
Increasing positive self-perception is a critical part of managing the negative impacts of infertility (Raque-Bogdan & Hoffman, 2010). Helping your loved ones to identify their positive qualities and working to refrain from insinuating that they are less of a person because of that infertility (it may sound obvious, but people make comments without meaning to more often than they even realize) is essential.
It is unlikely that people will ask, but when possible and appropriate, helping by contributing financially is incredibly helpful. At the beginning of the year, my husband and I were blessed tremendously. Generous friends sent us a check, which immediately went into an account my husband and I have just for infertility treatments. We certainly have a long way to go, but the amount of stress this relieved was indescribable, and our gratitude matched it.
Please do not attempt to help with the sex life portion of stress. Leave that one to us. Frequently men have suggested sex positions to my husband. Sex positions aiding in fertility are myths, and a couple’s sex life is their own. It is not a conversation for you to initiate.
Ask appropriate questions. Sometimes we need to talk about it. I know it can be awkward for you, but it means a lot when you say, “Hey, how are you doing with the infertility stuff?” And you can even say “stuff” if you don’t know what to say. And if we say, “okay” or “fine”, take it with a grain of salt. A coworker recently approached me and asked how my “infertility journey” was going. She didn’t give advice. She just listened and validated. We only spoke for about five minutes, but I cannot tell you how much that simple conversation meant. Please be mindful that your questions do not become intrusive: “When are you going to take on a more intense form of treatment?”, for example, is a deeply personal question.
We’re going to be okay. We know that. But for now, we press forward. We look for temporary distractions, many of us attend grief and/or marriage counseling, and central to our health is finding other parts of our identity, searching for meaning in other places. It is hard – some days it seems impossible – but we will be okay. And we greatly appreciate all the love, generosity, support and empathy you provide.
Check in with a friend or family member struggling with infertility. Take a moment to be a good friend: an active, empathetic listener.
References
DOMAR, A., PENZIAS, A., DUSEK, J., MAGNA, A., MERARIM, D., NIELSEN, B., & PAUL, D. (2005). The stress and distress of infertility: Does religion help women cope? Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause, 3(2), 45-51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sram.2005.09.007
Gurevich, R. (2016, August 2). What Infertility, Trauma, and Cancer Survivors Have in Common. Retrieved February 16, 2017, from https://www.verywell.com/how-infertility-Cancer-trauma-survivors-are-similar-1959993
Fisher, J. R., & Hammarberg, K. (2011). Psychological and social aspects of infertility in men: An overview of the evidence and implications for psychologically informed clinical care and future research. Asian Journal of Andrology, 14(1), 121-129. https://doi.org/10.1038/aja.2011.72
Matthews, A. M., & Matthews, R. (1986). Beyond the mechanics of infertility: Perspectives on the social psychology of infertility and involuntary childlessness. Family Relations, 35(4), 479. https://doi.org/10.2307/584507
Peters, C., Kantaris, X., Barnes, J., & Sutcliffe, A. (2005). Parental attitudes toward disclosure of the mode of conception to their child conceived by in vitro fertilization. Fertility and Sterility, 83(4), 914-919. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.fertnstert.2004.12.019
Raque-Bogdan, T. L., & Hoffman, M. (2010). Self-Perception, Hope and Well-Being in Women Experiencing Infertility. American Psychological Association 2010 Conference Presentation.
Rubin, H. D. (2001). The impact and meaning of childlessness: an interview study of childless women (Unpublished doctoral dissertation).
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Written by Family Finance Researcher, Ashley B. LeBaron
If you were to ask the average person on the street, “What is the #1 thing you and your partner fight about?”, chances are good that they would say, “Money.” (They might also say, “Sex,” but we’ll save that for another day.) My job is to figure out why, what this means for you, and what you can do about it. Hi! I’m Ashley, and I’m a family finance researcher. I study how money and family relationships impact each other.
A couple years ago I was listening to a lecture on feminism (btw, I’m a feminist, and I’m pretty sure you are too—we’ll come back to that) and had a lightbulb moment: Is power part of the reason why money—particularly how couples handle their money—has such an effect on couple relationships?
With help from four incredible co-authors and friends (Erin K. Holmes, Jeremy B. Yorgason, E. Jeffrey Hill, and David B. Allsop), I conducted a study that explored whether four couple financial processes (individual income, whether couples had a joint bank account, the extent to which couples managed their money as a team, and how often couples fought about money) would predict relationship quality and relationship stability. I also explored whether relational power would explain why the couple’s financial processes predicted relationship outcomes. In other words, I tested whether financial processes affect the power each partner feels they have in their relationship and whether that power then goes on to affect relationship outcomes.
Before I tell you what I found, let’s first address the elephant in whatever room you’re currently sitting in.
Feminism.
Some of you are already proud, self-proclaimed feminists, and right now your internal voice is going, “Mmhm, preach.” For others of you, the very word might make you feel uncomfortable and defensive, like you’re about to be attacked by a mob of angry, bra-burning women who will blame you personally for every injustice that’s ever been committed. Go ahead and relax—I am not that mob. When I google “define feminism,” here’s what it spits out: “the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.” Sure, there are different types of feminism. But most feminists are not trying to take over the world and make you feel less than in the process; they’re just trying to help people have an equal opportunity and voice, regardless of whether people have two X chromosomes or an X and a Y. They’re saying, “Hey, I believe women and men are equals. But sometimes, people aren’t treated that way. Let’s do something about it.” I am so grateful for the women before me who recognized their worth and were brave enough to stand up and demand basic rights so that today a woman like me can do things like vote, own land, and be a professor. To someone who listens to and seeks to truly understand others, feminism isn’t scary—it’s a call for equal partnership.
Photo from pexels.com
Power.
Let’s also address the word power. To some of you, this might be another one of those scary, ugly-sounding words. Just like the way I feel about feminism has changed, though, the way I feel about power has changed, too. When people use their own power to hurt or take away the power of others, it becomes an ugly thing. Power can be misused. But isn’t it wonderful to see those who once felt powerless become empowered? In relationships, power can be defined as the say or influence that each partner feels they have in their relationship. In other words, to what extent do they feel like an equal partner in their relationship? Research has shown that the highest quality relationships are those in which both partners feel empowered. (That makes perfect sense to most feminists, who want equal power for women and men.) In other words, a great marriage is two people with lots of power. As long as bothpartners have equal power, power isn’t bad—it facilitates equal partnership.
Okay, so hopefully you’re convinced that feminism and power can provide important insights into what an equal partnership looks like. Now, back to the research study: Can feminism help us answer the question Why does money impact couple relationships so much? Is part of the answer power?
Well, simply put (and believe me—with statistics, it’s never actually simple), we were right! Couple financial processes did predict relationship outcomes, and power was part of the reason why. Healthy couple financial processes (stick with me for a second, and I’ll give you some examples) maximize each partner’s relational power, and relational power seems to be what is actually affecting relationship outcomes.
So what?
So, why does money matter so much in couple relationships? Because how couples handle their money can either empower both partners, or it can diminish the power of one or both partners. (Thanks, feminism!) When both spouses are involved in financial processes, partners tend to be more empowered, and relationship quality and stability tend to be higher.
Photo from pexels.com
So, what do these findings mean for you? You get to decide! Power and equal partnership will mean different things in every relationship. However, here are three research-supported steps that you might consider taking to help you better manage finances as a couple:
Have joint bank accounts – Having access to money is empowering and facilitates transparency between partners. Pooling resources can also be symbolic–you are a team.
Co-manage your money as a team – Make money decisions together and be on the same page about income, expenditures, retirement plans, etc. This demonstrates your equality and partnership.
Easier said than done? So are many of the most important things in life. It’ll take effort. But your relationship will be stronger because of it! Let your financial processes be one of the ways you demonstrate your equal partnership and, therefore, the love and respect and trust you share.
This week, have a discussion about finances with your partner. Do you feel that you are an equal partner when it comes to money-management in your relationship? What changes do you feel you should make together?
References
Britt, S. L., Hill, E. J., LeBaron, A. B., Lawson, D. R., & Bean, R. A. (2017). Tightwads and spenders: Predicting financial conflict in couple relationships. Journal of Financial Planning, 30(5), 36–42.
Conroy, A. A., McGrath, N., van Rooyen, H., Hosegood, V., Johnson, M. O., Fritz, K., Marr, A., Ngubane, T., & Darbes, L. A. (2016). Power and the association with relationship quality in South African couples: Implications for HIV/AIDS interventions. Social Science & Medicine, 153, 1–11. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.socscimed.2016.01.035
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. New York: Guilford.
Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Emotion-focused couples therapy: The dynamics of emotion, love, and power. American Psychological Association. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/11750-000
Knudson-Martin, C. (2013). Why power matters: Creating a foundation of mutual support in couple relationships. Family Process, 52(1), 5– 18.
LeBaron, A. B., Holmes, E. K., Yorgason, J. B., Hill, E. J., & Allsop, D. B. (2018). Feminism and couple finance: Power as a mediator between financial processes and relationship outcomes. Sex Roles, 81(3-4), 140-156. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-0986-5
Pahl, J. (1995). His money, her money: Recent research on financial organisation in marriage. Journal of Economic Psychology, 16(3), 361-376. https://doi.org/10.1016/0167-4870(95)00015-g
Yodanis, C., & Lauer, S. (2007). Managing money in marriage: Multilevel and cross-national effects of the breadwinner role. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(5), 1307-1325. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00449.x
Ashley LeBaron is a doctoral student in Family Studies and Human Development at the University of Arizona. Her research focus is family finance, including couple finance and financial socialization. Ashley was valedictorian for the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences at Brigham Young University in 2016 and Graduate Student of the Year for the Utah Council on Family Relations in 2018.
Money can stress me out—and it has likely stressed you out to some extent, too.
I really didn’t learn to be financially responsible until over the last few years. I’m very fortunate to have been raised in an upper-middle-class family, where providing for our education was important to my parents (read: no student debt, thank goodness), and where my parents would kindly bail me out if I were in any financial troubles (read: when I racked up a bit of credit card debt as a young adult). But that also meant that I just didn’t gain experience managing my own finances. The one college class I took on the subject, Family Finance, didn’t even seem to apply to me—a poor, single college student. I didn’t need information on how or where to invest my money (WHAT MONEY??!). I needed to know that I had the potential to earn, save, and spend my money wisely, and how to do all of that from the ground up.
A couple of years ago I took a Personal Finance class in my community and suddenly it clicked. While I still don’t have everything figured out, the most important thing I’ve put into practice is where I put my money when I earn it, and in what order I put it there. Whether you are poor or rich, single or in a committed money-sharing relationship, this is my favorite finance principle right now.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
When I receive a paycheck, I distribute my money in the following order (this order is also suggested by various financial professionals):
1. Charitable giving. For me, that means donating tithes and offerings to my church. This percentage comes out first, before I do anything else. If you don’t give to a charitable organization, you can just skip on over to number 2.
2. A one-month emergency fund. Before I even pay down a credit card, I put a percentage of my income into my savings account to work toward my one-month emergency fund. I want to have this emergency fund before I really start paying off debt. The reason: If I have an unexpected cost arise (medical bills, car problems, etc.), and don’t have an emergency fund, it will just add more debt to my name, compounding the problem further. The emergency fund helps break that cycle of debt. Consider starting with an emergency fund of at least $1000 before you begin paying off debt.
3. Paying off debt. While I’m building my emergency fund, I will just pay the minimum on credit cards or any other debt payments I’m making. When my emergency fund is solid, I can start paying off my debt with that portion of income instead. There are different strategies to paying off debt, especially if you have multiple debts to pay off. You can read more about the Debt Snowball and Debt Avalanche methods here.
4. Current needs. This includes paying rent, for groceries, and any other day-to-day needs. This is where it’s so handy to have a budget—to make sure you keep your ongoing expenses low and can build that emergency fund, pay off debt, and still have some money left over to treat yo’ self (occasionally at least)! When you’re building your budget, be sure to look at things like fixed expenses (set costs that you’ll have every month, like rent) and variable expenses (expenses that may not be the same every month, like eating out or entertainment expenses). Your budget will continually change as your financial needs change, so don’t feel like the budget you create right now is set in stone, but it will act as a starting point for greater financial awareness and guidance.
5. When my one-month emergency fund is built up and my debt is all paid off, THEN I can begin building my savings account further. This opens the door for opportunities like investments, down payments on larger purchases, or other opportunities.
Following these steps won’t get you out of debt overnight, but hopefully, it will increase your confidence in your ability to manage your finances, help break any debt cycles you may be in, and make money a bit less stressful than it was before.
Where is your financial focus right now?—Are you stressed about debt? Do you have enough money set aside in case of an emergency? Are you working toward saving for a larger purchase or to invest?
Decide what your current financial focus is, then use these steps to make help you make a plan.
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
