Love, Me, Reaching Higher

Our Mysterious Selves

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Cover photo by Amanda Dalbjörn on Unsplash
Written by Dray Salcido
“The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science.”
-Albert Einstein
Do you struggle with not knowing? Is it hard for you to embrace ambiguity? You’re not alone. Many of us experience this but have little awareness of why. It’s difficult because the most important questions in life don’t have exact answers. A+B does not equal C…it equates to everything and nothing. This is hard for us to fathom because most of us struggle with variability. Us analytical types prefer making the uncertain, certain. I used to try making life measurable, black and white, coherent, and standardized. But, as soon as I developed any definition, it would crumble at the next bend in the road. This article suggests embracing unknowability and describes topics to give an understanding of our enigmatic nature.

Imagination

Remember when you were a child? There was no limit to our wonder. The world really was your oyster. However, our transition to adulthood has a way of challenging us and, in time, our imagination became our worst enemy. This presents itself in the form of self-doubt, worst-case scenarios, and hopelessness. To undo this negative pattern we must practice positive thinking (Orkibi & Ram-Vlasov, 2019). This is why we’ve seen a movement in visualization, affirmations, and the power of intention. Such practices make our imagination work for us again.
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Photo by Retha Ferguson from Pexels
Imagination is a mystery because no two minds are alike. This is the essence of creativity. In order to create, we must embrace the unknown and move beyond the senses. We all feel a desire to leave our mark on the world. While it’s not clear as to why we long for innovation, the relation to healthy living is certain. Studies show that creativity releases dopamine. This has a direct correlation to the reduction of “stress, anxiety, depression, and symptoms of PTSD” (Viswanath et. al, 2015). So, listen to your longing, and begin to wonder again.
What imagination and creativity can look like: reading fiction, daydreaming, writing stories, painting, playing or listening to music, dancing, making plans, inventing, drawing, cooking, brainstorming, not taking yourself too seriously, playing games, and much, much more.

Spirituality

Another mysterious part of life is spirituality. Across the world, most cultures engage in mystic practices. Studies show that those who engage in ethereal rituals and habits have lower rates of emotional and mental disorders (Yamada et. al, 2019). How can something so arbitrary have such big, even measurable effects on us? Because spiritual practices invite us to transcend our conditioning and lean into something greater. Dr. Brown said, “I don’t trust a theologian who dismisses the beauty of science or a scientist who doesn’t believe in the power of mystery” (Brown, 2015). 
Spirituality isn’t meant to be measured, tested, or proven. This isn’t about right vs. wrong. Nor absolute truth. It’s about living well. It’s about finding meaning and feeling whole. Whatever your spiritual practices are, they will not be fully comprehended by others. Nor should they. Each individual is so different, unique, and complex that our spirits and intuition will always be a mystery. 
What spirituality can look like: meditation, mindfulness, acting on gut feelings, genealogy work, service, yoga, religions, travel, mentors, enjoying nature, peace and quiet, reading sacred texts, and much, much more. 
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Photo by Matheus Bertelli from Pexels

Feelings

Perhaps the greatest puzzle of the human experience is our emotions. They come and go; never permanent. We cannot hold them in our hands or calculate “how much” is there. They do not follow exact patterns, and sometimes what we feel is irrational, confusing, or illogical. Nevertheless, they are real and remain. Feelings are completely subjective and complex. As dynamic individuals, we can experience several emotions at once (aka “mixed feelings”). And sometimes we feel the experiences of others without intention (Salcido, 2020). Without feelings, we would have no way of making meaning for our lives. Not to mention – emotionally expressive individuals show to have more satisfying relationships with themselves, others, and the world. Studies validate this idea and conclude that “emotions are an integral part of human life, which [we] cannot afford to ignore” (Bondi, 2005).
Emotion might be strange and ever-changing, but we know that it is the basis for connection. We might never fully understand ourselves or our feelings, but somehow we are all undeniably connected to each other through sentiment. 
What feelings can look like: needing to cry for no reason, feeling angry without knowing why, laughing at something tragic or inappropriate (haha), feeling totally scared to do something but certain that it’s right for you, and much, much more. 
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
We are all walking contradictions. We are all black sheep. The reality is many aspects of life are undefinable. In fact, I’d argue that the most impactful life events are rooted in mystery. Imagination, spirituality, and feelings are by no means a comprehensive list of possible life conundrums, but making time for these is a good start to embracing life. It is a vulnerable thing to leave room for the unpredictable, but essential to understanding our mysterious selves. 
Personal Practice 1Take time this week to lean into mystery. Allow yourself to daydream. Allow yourself to make-believe. Pick up a new hobby you didn’t believe was possible. Allow yourself to believe in miracles and goodness. Listen to your emotions, and act on your gut feelings. Choose something for yourself or from the last part of each paragraph that you’d like to try this week. 

References

Bondi, L. (2005). Making connections and thinking through emotions: between geography and psychotherapy. Transactions of the Institute of British Geographers, 30(4).433.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong (Unabridged.). New York: Random House Audio.
Orkibi, H., & Ram-Vlasvo, N. (2019). Linking trauma to posttraumatic growth and mental health through emotional and cognitive creativity. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity,   and the Arts, 13(4), 416-430. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1037/aca0000193
Salcido, D., (2020). https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/heartfulness-understanding-our-deep-feelings-and-empathic-nature/
Viswanath, K., Reddy, K. J., & Reddy, S. V. (2015). Effect of mental health on creativity.   Indian Journal of Health & Wellbeing, 6(11), 1109-1113.
Yamada, A.-M., Lukoff, D., Lim, C.S.F., & Mancuso, L. L. (2019). Integrating spirituality and mental health: Perspectives of adults receiving public mental health services in California. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1037/rel0000260.supp (Supplemental)

 

 

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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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commUNITY

Heartfulness: Understanding Our Deep Feelings and Empathic Nature

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Written by Dray Salcido
“To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate.” 
– Anthon St. Maarten
Heartfulness is more than mindfulness. It’s embracing our imagination and feelings, and is meant to awaken in us that which was sleeping. A study revealed, “the magnetic field produced by the heart is 5,000 times greater in strength than the field generated by the brain and can be detected and measured several feet away from the body, in all directions (Watkins, 2014). Essentially, the ability to feel has more influence on life than anything else. This time of pandemic and collective grief may be our chance to understand ourselves and live more fully. Allow me to share some research, and thoughts on why a more heartful way of living is essential to make it through 2020. 

The Elements

At some point in history, it was decided that removing emotion from decision making, and intellectual pursuits was the right thing to do. I recognize the successes that come with objectivity, but also think we’ve done ourselves a disservice by valuing logic too highly. Placing reason above connection will be more detrimental than beneficial, and scientific research validates this presumption.
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Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
When emotion is measured, it appears faster and more apparent than our cognitions. The brain is there to make sense of our feelings, but it also stores conflicting information. The more data in our mind, the longer it takes to process emotion. Our intuition, however, is faster than our mind. Research shows that making decisions based on our gut improves cognitive functioning and produces more satisfying results for people (Yip et. Al, 2020). Perhaps it’s most apparent with big decisions like, “Who will I marry?”, “How will I vote?”, “How will I raise my children?”, “What career will I pursue?” etc. When we act solely on logic we often betray ourselves, and experience regret down the road. Ever found yourself in a job you hate, but chose because it makes good money? Or, stayed in a relationship because “they’re perfect”, but you’re not happy? We need our emotions to guide us, not only to what makes sense, but to what we really want. There’s enough evidence to prove any and everything. But, only one heart knows what’s best for you. 

The Experience

Our conditioning has inhibited our heartfulness. Most of us have received messages like “you’re too much, don’t be angry, don’t cry, it’s not that big of a deal” etc. The truth is, not being free to feel our feelings completely is what’s created a pandemic of emptiness and dissatisfaction with ourselves and our relationships. Empathy is an important factor in thriving relationships. Essentially, it’s in our biology to give and receive empathy (Wearne, 2020). Our lifetime of resisting feelings deliberately contradicts our scientific makeup.
I remember being in kindergarten and sensing that my dad was cheating on my mom. I kept this awareness to myself for many reasons: I had no evidence, it was illogical, I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I was afraid to be mocked, and a big part of me wanted to be wrong. Years went by and this gut feeling got stronger. When I was eleven, or so, I finally told my mom that my dad was cheating on her. She asked how I knew. I explained that I had no proof, but felt a strong feeling. The following year he confessed his infidelity. My feeling wasn’t crazy, it was prophetic.
Have you ever felt sad when you walked in the house, only to find out your partner had had a rough day? Have you ever felt a random burst of anxiety while your friend was driving, and they tell you they just saw a police car? According to Dr. Watkins, “the electromagnetic field of the heart carries information that can not only be detected in the behaviors of other people in close proximity, but also has measurable, physiological effects on them” (Watkins, 2014). This isn’t just woo woo, feelings stuff. This is scientific. We feel each other’s feelings both unintentionally and intentionally, and we are hardwired to do so. 
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Embrace

Glennon Doyle tells a story of her daughter’s sensitivity. In school, the kids were taught about the polar bears struggling to survive because of the melting ice caps. Glennon’s daughter preoccupied herself with the polar bears for months and asked, “Who’s going to help them?” and “Where’s the polar bear’s mommy to take care of them?” One night she told Glennon, “It’s the polar bears now but nobody cares…so soon it’s going to be us.” Glennon realized her daughter wasn’t crazy to be heartbroken about the polar bears. The rest of us are crazy not to be heartbroken about the polar bears (Brown, 2020). Angry, devastated people aren’t weird or insane. They just may be the only ones responding appropriately to a damaged world. It’s the shamans, clergy, healers and poets that see what other people can’t, and are willing to feel what other people refuse. They follow their gut. They’ve embraced their heartfulness.
The problem with numbing, masking or resisting emotion is that we stop trusting ourselves. Goethe said, “as soon as you learn to trust yourself, you will know how to live.” We all start out hopeful, happy and trusting. Then life challenges us and breaks us down. Rather than leaning into and learning more about our hearts, we often put up walls and armor of protection. It’s time for us to unlearn our doubt and fear. Let’s unpack our way back to ourselves and each other. 
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
So, what if we embraced our deep feelings? What if we got back to caring for the collective good? Leaning into emotion may be the most difficult thing you ever do. When we become heartful, we feel more, and the more we feel, the more ups and downs we will experience. We will be confronted with our own light and darkness. You may realize just how permeable you are, and how vulnerable we all are (McConkie, 2017). But it also clears up the way for real connection, and demonstrates how capable of emotions, like love, we can be. It will be painful and beautiful, and totally worth it!
Personal Practice 1This week, express your true feelings to yourself and those around you. Be unapologetic in your emotions. Hold space for yourself, even if you don’t think what you feel is logical or valid. Practice holding nonjudgmental space for others as well. Record your realizations that arise from this emotional embrace.

References

Brown, B., (Producer). (2020, March 24). Glennon Doyle and Brené on Untamed [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://brenebrown.com/podcast/glennon-doyle-brene-on-untamed/
McConkie, T., (Producer). (2017, November 15). Heartfulness [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://www.mindfulnessplus.org/episodedetails/2017/11/15/26-heartfulness
Watkins, A. R., (2015). Coherence: The secret science of brilliant leadership. KoganPage.  
Wearne, T.A., Osborne-Crowley, K., Logan, J.A., Wilson, E., Rushby, J., & McDonald, S. (2020). Understanding how others feel: Evaluating the relationship between empathy and various aspects of emotion recognition following severe traumatic brain injury. Neuropsychology, 34(3), 288-297. https://doi-org.ezporxy.uvu.edu/10.1037/neu0000609
Yip, J.A., Stein, D.H., Cote, S., & Carney, D.R. (2020). Follow your gut? Emotional intelligence moderates the association between physiologically measured somatic markers and risk-taking. Emotion, 20(3), 462-472. http://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10/1037/emo00000561.supp (Supplemental)

 

 

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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Power Couples

Don’t Worry, Be Happy (and Sad, and Mad, and Scared…)

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Written by Rian Gordon
Happiness is a common pursuit among human beings. It’s even explicitly listed as one of our unalienable rights in the United States Declaration of Independence (“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness”)! If you were to ask anyone, I can almost guarantee that they would tell you they would rather be happy than sad or angry (in fact, a 2016 survey showed that 81% of Americans would rather be happy than achieve greatness in their lifetime). But like it or not, it is impossible for us to be happy 100% of the time, and believe it or not, that’s actually a good thing!
Emotions are a constant and vital part of life, and they heavily affect our everyday choices. While it seems like it would be really nice to never have to feel “negative” emotions, such as sadness, anger, grief, fear, or embarrassment, research has actually found that it is incredibly important to allow ourselves to feel a variety of emotions! Here are a few of the many reasons why allowing ourselves to feel “negative” emotions at times is essential to our mental, physical, and relational health.

1. Feeling leads to healing

The vast majority of experiences that we go through in life will likely elicit different emotional reactions within us. In fact, we often feel not just one, but a variety of emotions per experience! It is not reasonable for us to expect ourselves to be constantly happy through every single experience, particularly when life gets hard. Trying to stifle uncomfortable or negative emotions and put on a brave face 100% of the time is not healthy — we need to process the negative emotions in order to lead healthy and balanced lives (Levine & Wald, 2020). Refusing to acknowledge what we are feeling can really take a toll on our physical, emotional, and mental health.
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Photo by Pro Church Media on Unsplash
Experiencing prolonged periods of stressful emotions such as anxiety or fear can affect just about every system in your body — your muscles, your heart, your stomach, even your reproductive system (Cohen et al., 2020)! Depression or extreme sadness can also effect you profoundly, leading to symptoms such as insomnia, weight fluctuations, increased sensitivity to pain, and even a weaker immune system. Allowing ourselves to process emotions in a healthy way can help our bodies, minds, and hearts stay balanced, and can help us to pull through when we experience difficulties. Remember, “You have to feel it to heal it.”

2. “Negative” emotions can help protect us

Emotions possess a literal energy that motivates us to action. The energy and motivation that comes from difficult emotions can actually help us protect ourselves, particularly when it comes to our relationships. Sadness, anger, or fear can help us weed out unhealthy relationships or other negative aspects of our lives. They can also help us know when we need to make changes. It is important to be aware of these emotions, and to allow ourselves to experience them rather than push them away so that we can take action when action is needed.
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Photo from pexels.com
It is also important to understand that sometimes negative emotions can get triggered even if there isn’t a real threat that we need to be protected from. This can sometimes be a sign of mental illness such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or PTSD, and can be due to chemical or hormonal imbalances, cultural background, past experiences, and many other factors. It is important for us to learn the difference between negative emotions that are helping us and protecting us, and negative emotions that are hurting us and holding us back. Watching for patterns, discussing emotions with someone you trust, or getting help from a professional doctor or therapist can help you to determine whether or not you are experiencing emotions that are helpful or hurtful.

3. Healthy relationships require healthy processing of emotions

Because emotions are a built-in part of the human experience (particularly when it comes to relationships), and because relationships are composed of different people with different world-views, it is expected that our relationships are going to, at times, involve negative emotions. It is important to realize this, because in order for us to have healthy relationships, we need to know that it is okay when we experience a negative emotion towards someone we care about! I struggled with this for a really long time, and I thought it was better for me to deny any space for those negative emotions in my relationships. I told myself that if I truly loved someone, I shouldn’t be feeling angry or annoyed at them! That couldn’t have been further from the truth. By refusing to acknowledge and healthily deal with those negative emotions, I was actually causing myself to feel resentment and more anger towards my loved ones. When we understand that negative emotions are a normal and even healthy part of every relationship, we are able to address those emotions and actually work through them in a healthy way. Here are some recommendations for processing negative emotions in relationships:
  • Communication – Talk about it! If there is something bothering you and it is something that needs to be said, approach your partner and have a conversation about how you are feeling. This isn’t always easy, particularly when the emotions that you are experiencing are strong. Understand that the more we practice communicating, the easier it gets. Also consider taking some time to think about your feelings before approaching your partner. If you worry that you will say something you regret in the heat of the moment, it’s okay to take a step back and revisit the problem later.
  • Alone Time – We all need time to recharge and refuel. Taking time for yourself to meditate, participate in a hobby that you enjoy, rest, and get to know yourself better can help you be more self-aware, and can help bring balance into your life.
  • Journaling – Writing about our emotions can often help us better know ourselves and our needs, which in turn allows us to communicate them to our loved ones. Consider keeping a journal that isn’t for posterity or even for you to look through ever again. Write out exactly how you are feeling and what you are thinking, and don’t feel the need to justify or explain. Sometimes just getting it down on paper can help you feel a whole lot better!
  • Therapy – Sometimes we need professional help when it comes to processing our emotions. Consider going in to see a therapist alone, or with your partner if the problem involves them.

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Photo by Courtney Tipton

Conclusion

The key to handling our emotions in a healthy way is finding BALANCE. Negative emotions will come as we experience the ups and downs of everyday life. However, we have the choice and the power to acknowledge those feelings, allow ourselves to feel them, and either 1) let them motivate and change us as we deem beneficial to our lives and our relationships, or 2) let them go.

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/theory-knowledge/201701/understanding-emotions-and-how-process-them
http://www.willmeekphd.com/processing-emotions/
Cohen, A., Zemel, C., Colodner, R., Abu-Shkara, R., Masalha, R., Mahagna, L., & Barel, E. (2020). Interactive role of endocrine stress systems and reproductive hormones in the effects of stress on declarative memory. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 120. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104807
Levine, E. E., & Wald, K. A. (2020). Fibbing about your feelings: How feigning happiness in the face of personal hardship affects trust. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 156, 135–154. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.obhdp.2019.05.004

 

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.

 

 

 

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