Power Couples

More Than 50/50 – Striving for Equal Partnership in Romantic Relationships

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Cover photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash

Written by Rian Gordon
You’ve most likely heard the idea that a marriage requires a 50/50 effort from each partner. In theory, two halves make a whole, and yet, healthy, happy, and strong relationships require more than each person committing a “one half” effort. Many people will say that instead of 50/50, partners should be giving 100/100. But what does that look like? And is it actually possible for partners to be giving 100% equal effort and to be equally all in all the time? 
The short answer is… not really. But striving for equal partnership is still an important part of building a healthy and happy marriage. Here are a few ways that you and your partner can work towards creating an equal partnership in your relationship:
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Don’t Keep Score

Can I let you in on a little secret? Creating equal partnership in your marriage isn’t actually about making everything exactly equal. In fact, trying to do so by keeping score for who does what, how often, how much, etc. can be really detrimental to your relationship (Benson, 2020)!
A healthier approach would be to talk together about your individual needs, and work together to make sure those needs are met. If you feel like the balance is unfair or isn’t working, talk about it! Each partner’s needs, level of effort, and capacity will fluctuate and change based on what is happening in your lives at the time. 
Photo by Vasyl Potochnyi from Pexels
For example, one partner may be less able to help with house work while they are working towards an advanced degree, or the other partner may help with the children in the evenings while the other takes some much needed time for self-care. Struggles with illness or mental health could also require one partner to step in and give more than their “fair share” for a time (I know that my husband has pulled WAY more than his weight when I’ve been struggling mentally or physically). 
What shouldn’t change (unless it’s increasing!) is your commitment to love, serve, and help one another. Take responsibility for your own efforts, and consistently work to lift each other and to show appreciation for each other’s contributions. 
Try this: Talk with your partner about your current needs and capacity to contribute to the relationship. Be open and honest with one another. Make a game plan for dividing responsibilities in a way that will enable you both to get what you need and to make sacrifices to serve each other. 

When it Comes to Roles, Find What Works for You

Over the centuries, society has accumulated plenty of expectations for the division of responsibilities and roles in our relationships. Historically, many of these expectations have been dictated by gender — something that has become less and less helpful as relationships and roles have continued to change and evolve. Getting stuck in these traditional boxes can leave both men and women feeling unfair and unhealthy amounts of pressure to provide, maintain the home, raise children, sacrifice identity, etc. (Ciciolla & Luthar, 2019; Goldberg & Perry-Jenkins, 2004; Hanks, 2015; Harryson, Novo, & Hammarström, 2010).
It is important for couples today to examine their own needs and the needs of their families, and to shape their division of roles and responsibilities based on those needs. Think outside the box, and don’t feel like you have to adhere to prescribed societal expectations! Consider your own individual strengths and weaknesses, and use the unique makeup of your partnership to help you find the best fit division of responsibility for your relationship. 
Photo by Anne Healey @annehealeyphoto
I would also recommend that you extend this same “outside the box” thinking to the sharing of emotional responsibilities. Traditionally, women have acted as the caretakers of the relationship, carrying the majority of the responsibility to maintain connection (Gaia, 2002). We desperately need more men who are willing to share in the responsibility of maintaining and fighting for emotional connection and intimacy in their relationships, and it is up to us to change societal patterns and expectations that make it difficult for them to do so. 
Try this: Think about how your parents divided up roles and responsibilities in their relationship. What do you think worked well for them? What would you like to imitate in your relationship? What would you like to do differently? Discuss together. 
Bonus Challenge: Work on being more conscious of the language you use surrounding roles and responsibility in your relationship. Check out this instagram post by Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks for some suggestions! 

Make Decisions Together

A crucial element of equal partnership involves both partners feeling like they have an equal amount of decision-making power for the relationship. When both partners know that their opinions, thoughts, and desires matter, it increases the amount of satisfaction in their relationship (Knudson-Martin, 2012; Willigen, & Drentea, 2001) .
Photo by Davids Kokainis on Unsplash
Making decisions together does not mean that you have to ask your partner permission before you make any and every decision. What it does mean is that you communicate and work together to make big decisions, like where you will live together or what job you will decide to take, as well as get on the same page about your core values that often determine your everyday decisions. How do you envision disciplining your children? When it comes to money, are you a spender or a saver? What religious or spiritual practices do you hope to participate in together? As you work to align your core values, it will be easier to move in tandem with the decisions that shape your relationship and your lives. 
Try this: Have a discussion about your core values and how you want them to influence the decisions you make together. Check out one of our very first posts here for some ideas of topics you can discuss together.

Ask for Each Other’s Help and Support

Finally, knowing that you are needed by your partner can increase your personal commitment and confidence in the relationship. 
Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash
Reaching out to your partner for help, whether it’s help killing a hairy spider, help processing your emotions, or help studying for a test, lets them know that you need them, and develops a pattern in your relationship of relying on one another. It requires vulnerability, but asking your partner for help, and responding positively when they ask you for help, can take you one step closer to building an equal partnership together. 
Check out this article here for more information on how asking your partner for help can improve your relationship! 
Try this: Ask your partner to help you with something you are currently working towards. Their support could be practical or emotional, the point is that you let them know you need them! 

More Than 50/50

Our marriages certainly require more than a 50/50 effort from each partner. However, a 100/100 effort isn’t necessarily what we are striving for either. What we strive for is a marriage where both partners feel equally loved and cared for, and where they feel equally responsible for the success of the relationship. 
Photo by Cassie Lopez on Unsplash
P.S. A great way to assess the strengths and weaknesses in your partnership is by taking the RELATE Assessment! This is a research-based questionnaire that can help you and your partner analyze your individual strengths and weaknesses and make a game plan for how you can improve together. Check it out here, and use our special HHP discount code RELATE50 for 50% off!
Choose one of the above ways to work on building equal partnership in your relationship this week.

References

Benson, K. (2020, September 04). 4 Marriage Myths That Cause Divorce. Retrieved September 30, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-marriage-myths-cause-divorce/
Ciciolla, L., & Luthar, S. S. (2019). Invisible Household Labor and Ramifications for Adjustment: Mothers as Captains of Households. Sex Roles, 81(7-8), 467-486. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-1001-x
DiDonato, T. (2014, October 31). Does Your Partner Need You? Retrieved October 02, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201410/does-your-partner-need-you
Gaia, A. (2002). Understanding Emotional Intimacy: A Review of Conceptualization, Assessment and the Role of Gender. International Social Science Review, 77(3/4), 151-170. Retrieved October 3, 2020, from http://www.jstor.org/stable/41887101
Goldberg, A. E., & Perry-Jenkins, M. (2004). Division of Labor and Working-Class Women’s Well-Being Across the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 18(1), 225–236. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.18.1.225
Hanks, J. (2015). 8 C’s of Partnership Families. Retrieved October 1, 2020, from http://www.partnershipfamilies.com/8cs 
Harryson, L., Novo, M., & Hammarström, A. (2010). Is gender inequality in the domestic sphere associated with psychological distress among women and men? Results from the Northern Swedish Cohort. Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, 66(3), 271-276. https://doi.org/10.1136/jech.2010.109231
Knudson-Martin, C. (2012). Why Power Matters: Creating a Foundation of Mutual Support in Couple Relationships. Family Process, 52(1), 5-18. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12011
Van Willigen, M., & Drentea, P. (2001). Benefits of equitable relationships: The impact of sense of fairness, household division of labor, and decision-making power on perceived social support. Sex Roles, 44, 571-597.

 

 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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30 Ways to Strengthen your Relationships During COVID-19

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Written by Shirley Anderson
With the global issue of COVID-19, we’ve been given the instruction by our nation’s leaders and world health professionals to practice ‘social distancing’ for an undetermined amount of time. 
With this unique instruction, we may easily become lost in the sudden change of pace that we may overlook and therefore neglect one of our most basic human needs…. social connection. 
As human beings, we truly are hard-wired to connect with one another and for good reason too. “Social connection can lower anxiety and depression, help us regulate our emotions, lead to higher self-esteem and empathy, and actually improve our immune systems (Canada Mental Health Association).” Research has even shown that a lack of social connection is an even greater detriment to our health than obesity, smoking and high blood pressure (House et al., 1988). We need each other! Our physical and mental health depend on it. So while we are practicing social distancing, remember that maintaining social connection is paramount to our health. There are A LOT of ways to continue to build and strengthen our relationships. Here are just 30 ways I came up with. 
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Photo by bewakoof com official on Unsplash

30 Ways to Strengthen your Relationships While Practicing Social Distancing:

  1. Call a friend you’ve lost touch with
  2. Film yourself reading a book and send it to the children in your life
  3. Smile and wave from 6 feet away
  4. Leave anonymous supply items around your neighborhood
  5. Save money for a future outing or extravagant date
  6. Write an inspirational post on social media
  7. Use chalk to write words of encouragement around your neighborhood
  8. Make plans for a future trip
  9. Start a book club and meet via Zoom or Skype
  10. Start a ‘COVID-19 Coping’ text chat with your friends and share ideas of how to make the most of this situation
  11. Email your loved ones 
  12. Send a care package to someone who may be struggling
  13. Deep clean/organize your space so when this quarantine business subsides, you’ll be ready to socialize
  14. Ask your neighbors how they are doing and what you can do to help
  15. Dress up nice and have an indoor date night
  16. Try something new with a loved one – yoga, dancing, a new instrument…etc.
  17. Learn a language you’ve always wanted to so you can make even more connections
  18. Try a new recipe or cook an elaborate meal
  19. Create a game tournament with prizes
  20. Be active (indoor or outdoor)
  21. Call a loved one and tell them a joke
  22. Create a family or couple goal to work towards
  23. Write letters to the elderly people in your life
  24. Pray for your loved ones and their well-being during this difficult time
  25. Practice creativity! Write a musical piece, sketch, paint, knit, sew, build…etc.
  26. Turn up the tunes and have a dance party
  27. Read a book together (to a child or with a loved one)
  28. Camp indoors or in your backyard complete with a campfire and smores’
  29. Send a text and check in on a friend 
  30. Highlight the positive and make daily contact with loved ones through social apps (MarcoPolo, Whatsapp..etc.)
Personal Practice 1Choose a creative way to strengthen your relationships each day this week.

References

Griffiths, R., Horsfall, J., Moore, M., Lane, D., Kroon, V., & Langdon, R. (2007). Assessment of health, well-being and social connections: A survey of women living in Western Sydney. International Journal of Nursing Practice, 13(1), 3–13. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1440-172X.2006.00606.x
House, Landis, Umberson (1988). Social Relationships and health Science. Department of Epidemiology, University of Michigan, Ann Harbor. Vol. 241, Issue 4865, pp. 540-545 https://doi.org/10.1126/science.3399889
Kobayashi, K. M., Cloutier-Fisher, D., & Roth, M. (2009). Making meaningful connections: A profile of social isolation and health among older adults in small town and small city, British Columbia. Journal of Aging and Health, 21(2), 374–397. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0898264308329022
Thompson, T., Rodebaugh, T. L., Bessaha, M. L., & Sabbath, E. L. (2020). The association between social isolation and health: An analysis of parent–adolescent dyads from the Family Life, Activity, Sun, Health, and Eating Study. Clinical Social Work Journal, 48(1), 18–24. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10615-019-00730-2

 

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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
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How Current Food Trends are (Negatively) Affecting our Families

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Written by Shirley Anderson
Let’s talk about food. The relationship between food trends and family life is rarely discussed but it’s an important topic that affects our lives and relationships daily. Think about it, most of our relationships regularly revolve around sharing a meal together. Whether it’s catching up with a friend, a business negotiation, family traditions, or trying to build a relationship (aka dating), food is usually at the heart of it all. For the purpose of this article, I will solely focus on how food trends affect our families. And in order to understand the food trends and family life of today, we first need to look back on one particular event in our history. 
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Photo by Hal Gatewood on Unsplash
Current family life and food trends can largely be traced back to two massive societal shifts springing from the industrial revolution. During the dawn of modernization, women took on entirely different roles in society which dramatically changed both daily family life as well as food in the home (Nielsen, Siega-Riz, & Popkin, 2002). As women left the home to join the working class, many of the traditional daily tasks associated with child-rearing and food preparation were abandoned (Guthrie, Lin, & Frazao, 2002). As people began to work longer hours in more rigorous conditions, diets shifted away from traditional starch and grain centered meals to stimulant fueled meals on the go, with coffee, tea, and sugar taking center stage. These events in our history fundamentally altered the construct of family life and food and continue to impact modern society and our lives as individuals every single day.

Food Trends

Current food trends are deeply rooted in the societal shifts arising from the industrial revolution. Where, what, and how we are eating today is very different from our ancestors of yesteryear and the traditional paradigm of gathering around the family table for mealtime no longer exists as the societal norm. Research shows that we are increasingly consuming more food outside of the home (Guthrie, Lin, & Frazao, 2002; Nielsen, Siega-Riz, & Popkin, 2002) and while many of us still eat at home, what we are eating continues to trend toward the ‘center stimulant diet’ of high calorie, low prep foods (Poti, & Popkin, 2011). One of the biggest obstacles families face is the feeling that we don’t have the time to prepare nutritious meals. Life can get busy! The number of activities that we ourselves and our families are involved in continues to mount and “eat up” the time previously dedicated to preparing and sharing a meal together (Asp, 1999; Larson, Perry, Story,  & Neumark-Sztainer, 2006). Because of this dilemma, we tend to buy convenience foods that are pre-processed and ready to eat with a zap in the microwave (Capps, Tedford, & Havlicek, 1985) or a phone call to the nearest food delivery service. The convenience of pre-packed and prepared foods fits well into our busy ‘on the go’ lifestyles but research shows that we’re eating less of that pre-processed food together as families as well. Instead, we often take it to go and eat it in bite-size portions alone over the course of a day, substituting social meals for solitary grazing (Hamermesh, 2010) and snacking (Piernas, & Popkin, 2009).
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Photo by Marcel Heil on Unsplash

Effects on the Family 

So where does all this food nonsense leave us? Unfortunately, it can leave us with full bellies and empty relationships. Obesity, diabetes, heart disease and other food-related illnesses are on the rise keeping pace with loneliness, estranged families and general feelings of anxiety. Why? Because we are neglecting two of our most basic needs as human beings- connection and nourishment. The point is, FOOD MATTERS. Food matters because family matters. There is an interconnected, cyclical relationship between food and family that have lasting consequences and the great news is we get to decide whether they’re detrimental or beneficial. Families who eat together regularly reap the benefits of greater resilience and more satisfying familial relationships. Families who eat together well by investing time into preparing meals together will benefit not only socially but also physically with decreased exposure to many food-related health risks that are so prevalent today. 
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Photo from pexels.com
If you’re like me, this research can feel overwhelming as I reflect on the many ways I can improve my mealtime habits. Remember, perfection is not the goal! Experts have reminded us, “It doesn’t have to look like a Norman Rockwell painting.” Not every meal will be especially nutritious, prepared by you or shared with someone and that’s okay. As we commit to doing better and making the necessary changes to get there, the benefits of connection and nourishment will be ours. Start by creating a specific goal to have more impactful mealtimes both socially and nutritionally. My goal is to prepare my family’s snacks ahead of time so when we’re out running errands and low on fuel, we can re-fuel on something nutritious. How about you? 
Personal Practice 1Option 1: Review your meals for the last week. Write down what you ate and who you ate with. 
Option 2: Plan and prepare a nutritious meal and share it with someone you love. 
Option 3: If you’re anticipating a long day, plan ahead and prepare your own healthy meals and snacks that can fuel you throughout your day. 

References

Asp, E. H. (1999). Factors affecting food decisions made by individual consumers. Food Policy, 24(2-3), 287–294. doi: 10.1016/s0306-9192(99)00024-x
Capps, O., Tedford, J. R., & Havlicek, J. (1985). Household Demand for Convenience and Nonconvenience Foods. American Journal of Agricultural Economics, 67(4), 862–869. doi: 10.2307/1241827
Guthrie, J. F., Lin, B.-H., & Frazao, E. (2002). Role of Food Prepared Away from Home in the American Diet, 1977-78 versus 1994-96: Changes and Consequences. Journal of Nutrition Education and Behavior, 34(3), 140–150. doi: 10.1016/s1499-4046(06)60083-3
Hamermesh, D. S. (2010). Incentives, time use and BMI: The roles of eating, grazing and goods. Economics & Human Biology, 8(1), 2–15. doi: 10.1016/j.ehb.2009.12.003
Larson, N. I., Perry, C. L., Story, M., & Neumark-Sztainer, D. (2006). Food Preparation by Young Adults Is Associated with Better Diet Quality. Journal of the American Dietetic Association, 106(12), 2001–2007. doi: 10.1016/j.jada.2006.09.008
Nielsen, S. J., Siega-Riz, A. M., & Popkin, B. M. (2002). Trends in Energy Intake in U.S. between 1977 and 1996: Similar Shifts Seen across Age Groups. Obesity Research, 10(5), 370–378. doi: 10.1038/oby.2002.51
Piernas, C., & Popkin, B. M. (2009). Snacking Increased among U.S. Adults between 1977 and 2006. The Journal of Nutrition, 140(2), 325–332. doi: 10.3945/jn.109.112763
Poti, J. M., & Popkin, B. M. (2011). Trends in Energy Intake among US Children by Eating Location and Food Source, 1977-2006. Journal of the American Dietetic Association, 111(8), 1156–1164. doi: 10.1016/j.jada.2011.05.007

 

 

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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. 
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Connect to the Past to Connect to Yourself

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Written by Allie Barnes
For years I had felt a quiet impression that I needed to look into my family history. I’d do a bit here and there, filling in missing gaps and such on the family tree, but not much beyond that. I thought I was doing my part, thinking that as long as the names and dates are there, we’re good. The thing is, family history isn’t just about filling in gaps in a family tree—though that is a part of it.
The real joy for me came when I began reading my ancestors’ stories and really getting to know them. That’s how I first learned about Grace.

Grace is my great-great-grandmother on my mom’s side. She had four children with her husband, an engineer who designed and paved roads both in the United States and abroad. That’s the basic story, and what I had known before. But life is, of course, far more complex and far deeper than two sentences can describe. When I dove deeper into her story, it ended up changing my life.
According to second-hand accounts obtained from user-submitted stories on genealogy websites as well as some information from family members, Grace and her husband met as teenagers and she was smitten. Against her parents’ wishes, they married in 1909 when Grace was 18 years old.
Years later, shortly after their fourth child was born, her husband ended up in Utah, where he designed the roads that went through some of the National Parks in the state. While his family was back at home, her husband fell for a young woman (25 years his junior) who worked as a waitress and played in an orchestra associated with the national park. James left his family and ran off with this young woman, leaving Grace to raise their four children alone.
I immediately saw the connection to my own life and my relationships.
While I have never been married nor raised children alone, my experience with unhealthy relationships and betrayal trauma lead me to believe that Grace surely experienced a degree of both of those. Those are things I understand. And from those things, I can also assume that his betrayal and abandonment didn’t just happen overnight—there were surely red flags that led to them.
Was I continuing to ignore red flags in my own life, perpetuating this cycle of unhealthy relationships?
It was only after learning Grace’s story that I realized this is a generational issue in my family, and I have the power to break that cycle.

The Research

I thought that doing family history work benefited my deceased family members as I sought to remember and record their lives. I had no idea I would find myself in their stories, and that they would influence my own life in such a monumental way.
When interviewed by CNN, author A.J. Jacobs shared the benefits of teaching children (and I’d also add adults) about their family stories: “What children learn when they hear about their past— both the good and the bad… is primarily that they can chart their own course and don’t have to follow the path of what their less-than-stellar ancestors did. They also learn that they are part of something bigger than themselves.”
The article cited research to back this up: a study by Emory University found that “Family stories provide a sense of identity through time, and help children understand who they are in the world.” 

Discovering this family story helped me feel part of something bigger than myself, and gave me a sense of identity greater than I had felt previously. Feeling that connection to my great grandmother through similar traumas helped me see my own strength, both in my trauma recovery and in my ability to change unhealthy relationship patterns in my life.
The Emory University study also found additional unexpected benefits of studying family history: Teens who learned more stories about their extended family showed “higher levels of emotional well-being, and also higher levels of identity achievement, even when controlling for general level of family functioning.”
In Ancestry.com’s 2014 global study of over 6,000 Ancestry users, 67% said that “knowing their family history has made them feel wiser as a person.” Additionally, 72% said it “helped them feel closer to older relatives.” (This study was cited in a blog by the New York Public Library entitled “20 Reasons Why You Should Write Your Family History,” which is also a great read). Learning about ancestors clearly has benefits that reach far beyond basic knowledge of the past.

How to Start

A few months ago, I read an idea on an Instagram account (I’m pretty sure it was on @thelisteningearproject, though I could be mistaken) to specifically ask all living grandparents, “What is something you wish you had done when you were younger?” After recording their answers, you could then go and do those things in their place, sharing your memories with them. I decided to finally ask this question when I was home for the holidays this year. While I may not be able to actually complete the unfulfilled dreams of my grandparents (some answers included to go to nursing school, travel to Israel, and buy a horse and ride into the mountains), the prompt opened up new conversations and understanding of my grandparents’ lives. Even my parents were unaware of these parts of my grandparents’ lives. And hey, maybe someday I’ll go to Israel and share that experience with my grandma!
If you want to start asking family members questions and recording their answers (either by writing it down, or recording their voices, which will be so meaningful in and of itself), here is a great list of questions to start with.
Last year, the New York Times published a beautiful piece (“Why You Should Dig Up Your Family’s History — and How to Do It”) with a practical guide to getting started. Family Search also has a great article, “How Family Stories Shape Our Identities.” Head on over their website to learn more. You can also get a free Family Search account to fill in your family tree, connect it to others’ trees, and read/share family stories.
One of my favorite lines from the New York Times article is one I’d like to end this article with: “[Culture] comes from lived experience, traditions and stories passed down, from actual people who shape our perceptions of the world.” When we get past the names and dates, we can discover our family, and discover ourselves. 
Option #1: Ask a living grandparent the question, “What is something you wish you had done when you were younger?” Record their answer.
Option #2: Create a free account on familysearch.org. Learn something new about your family tree.

References

Clark, B., & Kurylo, B. (2010, March 3). Children Benefit if They Know About Their Relatives, Study Finds. Retrieved from http://shared.web.emory.edu/emory/news/releases/2010/03/children-benefit-if-they-know-about-their-relatives-study-finds.html#.XhASY-jYqtp
Fivush, R., Duke, M., & Bohanek, J. G. (2010). “Do You Know…” The power of family history in adolescent identity and well-being. Journal of Family Life. Retrieved from https://ncph.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/The-power-of-family-history-in-adolescent-identity.pdf
Nigro, C. (2019, January 24). 20 Reasons Why You Should Write Your Family History. Retrieved from https://www.nypl.org/blog/2015/02/09/reasons-to-write-your-family-history
Saxena, J. (2019, February 4). Why You Should Dig Up Your Family’s History – and How to Do It. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/03/smarter-living/why-you-should-dig-up-your-familys-history-and-how-to-do-it.html
Wallace, K. (2015, June 3). How children benefit from learning their family history. Retrieved from https://www.cnn.com/2015/06/03/living/telling-kids-family-history-benefits-feat/index.html

 

 

Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.

 

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How Tragedy Can Bring Us Together

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Written by McKay Strong
It seems that we are constantly being bombarded with bad news; there was a school shooting. A hurricane hit harder than we initially thought. A beloved former teacher died. It’s an unfortunate fact of life that tragedy will strike, and sometimes, it’ll strike without warning.
I have had my fair share of heartbreak — as I’m sure we all have — and despite the agonizing, unbearable pain that I’ve experienced, I have slowly come to accept that there are benefits to tragedy. Believe me, this is not me asking for more suffering to come my way (please, no), but I have seen myself and those around me grow and become closer because of the trials we’ve faced together.
When it comes to dealing with tragedy, individuals often possess their own spiritual and cultural traditions, which play a large part in the coping process (Aranda & Knight 1997). It’s not unusual for people to ask “why us?” or “who is to blame?” In order to fully gain perspective while experiencing tragedy, we need to make sense of the traumatic event and be aware of any repercussions that may come as a result (Walsh 2007).
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Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash
Through a traumatic event, however, it is essential to maintain a positive outlook. Hope is vital for recovery. Hope fuels energies and investment to rebuild lives, revise dreams, renew attachments, and create positive legacies to pass on to future generations (Walsh 2007). Being able to trust in the future and trust in yourself will help facilitate the feeling of security to return back into your life.

The Power of Resilience

The semester after we suddenly lost my sister, I took a class called Family Adaptation and Resiliency. I chose this course very purposefully — I had always planned on taking it, but I knew that I needed it sooner rather than later. Throughout the course of the semester, we read about and walked through just about every tragedy that a family could experience. Divorce, death, natural disaster, job loss and other financial strains…the list goes on and on. No matter the stressor, however, it was drilled into my head that families could recover. Not only that, but families could end up stronger than they were before. This is the true meaning of resilience: not only bouncing back but using these difficulties to improve relationships as well.
Resilience isn’t limited to an individual or a family, however. It can be seen in a community as well! So many tragedies strike on a larger scale, and through an intentional response to trials, an entire community — a city, a state, a nation — can be brought together. Although arguably none of us want to go through tragedy, it’s important to remember that when hard things happen, we have a choice. We can choose to be stuck in the tragedy, or we can choose to work towards resilience and draw closer together. Through tragedy, a family or community system can become more refined than ever before. “Resilience involves ‘mastering the possible,’ coming to accept what has been lost and cannot be changed, while directing efforts to what can be done and seizing opportunities for something good to come out of the tragedy” (Murphy, Johnson, & Lohan 2002). Achieving resilience is not a simple task, but through communication and being aware of needs and emotions, it is possible.
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Photo by Perry Grone on Unsplash
Studies have found that one of the most important ways to foster acceptance and hope following a tragedy is the ability to seek comfort and reassurance with others. Walsh put it best when he said, “Times of great tragedy can bring out the best in the human spirit: ordinary people show extraordinary courage, compassion, and generosity in helping kin, neighbors, and strangers to recover and rebuild lives.”
Tips for fostering community resilience:
  • Acknowledge the trauma and verify facts
  • Find meaning through memorial rituals, tributes, etc.
  • Rebuild lives, homes, etc. through community reorganization
  • Create new life plans and dreams
Personal Practice 1Journal about a tragedy you have experienced in your life, and how it has affected who you are today. If you feel comfortable opening up, seek out members of your community that could use your support and personal experience in their own healing process.

References

Manyena, Bernard, et al. “Disaster resilience: a bounce back or bounce forward ability?.” Local Environment: The International Journal of Justice and Sustainability 16.5 (2011): 417-424.
Aranda, M. P., & Knight, B. G. (1997). The influence of ethnicity and culture on the caregiver stress and coping process: A sociocultural review and analysis. The Gerontologist, 37(3), 342-354.
Murphy, S. A., Johnson, L. C., & Lohan, J. (2002). The aftermath of the violent death of a child: An integration of the assessments of parents’ mental distress and PTSD during the first 5 years of bereavement. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 7(3), 203–222. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/10811440290057620
Walsh, F. (2007). Traumatic Loss and Major Disasters: Strengthening Family and Community Resilience. Family Process, 46(2), 207–227. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2007.00205.x

 

 

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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
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