Love, Me, Mental Notes, Project Parent

Perfection in Parenting: Dealing with Mom Guilt

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Cover Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

Written by Rian Gordon
If you have experienced what is known as “mom guilt”, you are certainly not alone. Moms are notoriously known for being hard on themselves, and it’s no wonder with the seemingly impossible expectations and pressures to perform that flood in from social media, advertising, family, teachers, religious leaders, parenting experts, etc. 

Guilt vs. Shame

First, we need to clear something up. Guilt involves feeling bad after making a mistake or poor choice, and it motivates us to work towards change as we try and do better next time. Shame, on the other hand, prevents us from making positive change, since it causes us to label ourselves as bad or a failure.
Guilt says, “I made a mistake. What changes can I make so that I can do better next time?”
Shame says, “I made a mistake. I must be a terrible mother.” 
This distinction is important because mom “guilt” is not actually guilt at all, it is SHAME (Sutherland, 2010). Making mistakes and experiencing guilt is actually an important part of our development as a mother, as it helps us to reassess, make positive changes, and become better moms (Rotkirch, & Janhunen, 2010)! When we get stuck in shame, on the other hand, we become caught in an unhealthy cycle of self-defeat and comparison, and our progress and growth as a mother become majorly hindered. 
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Photo by Jenna Norman on Unsplash
So how do we avoid getting stuck in this cycle of shame?

Where does mom guilt come from?

First, let’s start by discussing where mom guilt (ehem *SHAME*) comes from, and why it’s so easy to subscribe to. Mom guilt is all about EXPECTATIONS – what we and others expect our mothering to look like, and whether or not we feel like we live up to those expectations (Liss, Schiffrin, & Rizzo, 2012; Rotkirch, & Janhunen, 2010). These expectations or standards can be ones that we consciously choose to hold ourselves to, or they could be ones that influence us more unconsciously from the messaging that we are constantly receiving through the media or other channels. 
Here are just a few of the areas you may feel pressure in as a mother:
  • Type of birth to have: Natural vs. Epidural, what kind of doctor to use, at-home birth vs. hospital birth
  • Breastfeeding: To breastfeed, or not to breastfeed? How long? Pumping or formula? 
  • Sleeping: Should I co-sleep? When should my baby be sleeping through the night? Should I sleep train?
  • Whether or not to work outside the home: When to go back to work, daycare and babysitter options, how being away affects my child
  • Productivity: How can I still be “productive” during the day while I am trying to take care of my baby?
  • Social media: Privacy for my baby, pressure to maintain some sort of image, feeling like I have to be a “Pinterest” mom
  • Play: How much should I play with my baby? Free play vs. structured play, what kind of toys should I provide for my baby?
  • Schooling: When to start, homeschool/public school/private school, at-home learning
  • Disciplining: What it should/shouldn’t look like
  • Having more kids: How can I divide my time and give each child enough attention? 
Etc. etc. etc…
We are constantly being bombarded by expectations that are oftentimes unrealistic and even conflicting (ie. “care for yourself, but also sacrifice everything for your children”), and that can cause some major shame and even cognitive dissonance when we feel like we aren’t living up to what is expected of us.
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Photo by Alex Pasarelu on Unsplash
When many of these expectations are unconscious, it may seem impossible to break ourselves out of the cycle of shame due to unrealistic and unmet expectations. But there is hope! There are several things we can do to help ourselves move away from these impossible standards that create mom guilt in our hearts and minds.

1. Let Go of “Shoulds”

Do you ever say to yourself, “I really should be doing x, y, or z…”, “I should be doing _____ this way!”, “I shouldn’t ______,” or another phrase that contains some form of the word should? This word is a red flag that can alert us to unconscious expectations that may be affecting us in unhelpful ways! When you find yourself thinking “I should,” or “I shouldn’t,” ask yourself, “SAYS WHO?” Identify where that expectation is coming from. More often than not, it will not be coming from you, but from an outside source that is not familiar with your personal needs, or the needs of your children and family. When that is the case, let go of that should, and focus instead on what you want, need, and CHOOSE. This will allow you to act more intentionally in ways that align with your core values, your desires and goals for your family, and who you want to become as an individual and a mother. The more your actions line up with what you want rather than what you think others expect of you, the more you will learn how to trust yourself, and the further you will move from shame as a motivator.
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Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

2. Create Your Own Measuring Stick

Being a recovering perfectionist myself, I thrive off of feedback and validation from others. But when I became a mom, I didn’t have anyone sitting next to me telling me what a good (or bad) job I was doing. What I DID have was a mental “measuring stick” made up of all of the things that I thought made someone a good mom (this was really just my way of framing the expectations that I had for myself). When I didn’t feel like I was measuring up, which was often, it sent me into a whirlwind of shame and anxiety. It wasn’t until my therapist said to me, “There are hundreds of different ways to make bread,” (this was a metaphor for my negative black-and-white thought pattern, not actual baking advice) that I realized that maybe there was more than one way to be a good mom, and maybe that would look different for me than it did for others. Maybe I could even CREATE my own “good mom measuring stick” and decide what worked best for me and my little one! 
If you find yourself constantly struggling with feeling like you are falling short as a mother, take a look at how you are measuring your success.
Here are two questions that I ask myself at the end of the day when I want to check in:
  • Are my kids alive and relatively well? 
  • How did I connect with my kids today? 
As you create your own version of what it means to be a good mother, my advice would be to keep it simple, to focus on what you can control (which is most likely your own thoughts and actions, NOT those of your child), and to focus on your overall relationship with your kids. As Dr. Julie Hanks has said, “Kids aren’t a product, they’re a relationship.” (Hanks, 2016)

3. Make mistakes! Your children will thank you

No matter how much pressure we feel, it is critical to remember that in reality, there is no such thing as a “perfect” mother. EVERY mom makes mistakes. However, just because you are not a perfect mom, does not mean that you can’t be the best mom for your children. I personally believe that my children came to me for a reason. They chose me because I was the mom they needed. I am far from perfect, but as I learn what being a mother means to me, and allow my mistakes to shape and mold me as a mom, the more confident I become that I can give my children what they need. 
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Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash
Any time you feel like you are falling short, remind yourself that research has shown that children learn better how to deal with failure, own up to and take responsibility for their mistakes, and regulate their emotions when they see how we deal with our own mistakes and shortcomings (Nelson, 2018). Do not be afraid to be imperfect in front of your children. Talk with them about your failures, and admit your mistakes. Do so confidently knowing that your imperfections are a blessing to your children far more than they are a curse.

4. “Mom” is not your only role

Finally, remember that you are not just “mom”. You are a multi-faceted human being with hopes, dreams, needs, desires, and passions that are not only connected to your role as a mother! Be sure to take the time to nurture ALL of the parts of yourself, and don’t feel like you have to give up who you are as an individual to be a good mom. Learning to define yourself by all the facets of you, and not just by your role as a mother will help you to feel more whole, and will carry you through the moments where you feel that you are learning and growing as a mom in less-than-perfect ways. 
Personal Practice 1Take a look at your current “good mom measuring stick”. Where are your expectations coming from? Are they realistic? Are they positively motivating you to become the mom you want to be, or are they causing unneeded stress and shame?

References

Brown, B. (2018). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the journey from “what will people think?” to “I am enough”. Vancouver, B.C.: Langara College.
Hanks, J. (KSL). (2016, August 15). Motherhood, Guilt About Not Being Productive, and Beliefs about Motherhood that Hurt Us: KSL Radio Mom Show [Audio podcast]. Retrieved from http://www.drjuliehanks.com/2016/08/15/motherhood-guilt-about-not-being-productive-and-beliefs-about-motherhood-that-hurt-us-ksl-radio-mom-show/
Liss, M., Schiffrin, H. H., & Rizzo, K. M. (2012). Maternal Guilt and Shame: The Role of Self-discrepancy and Fear of Negative Evaluation. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 22(8), 1112-1119. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-012-9673-2
Mcleod, S. (2018, February 05). Cognitive Dissonance. Retrieved October 4, 2018, from https://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-dissonance.html
Nelson, J. (2018, November 13). Flawed Parents are the Best Tutors for Children. Retrieved June 26, 2020, from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/flawed-parents-are-the-best-tutors-for-children/
Rotkirch, A., & Janhunen, K. (2010). Maternal Guilt. Evolutionary Psychology, 8(1), 147470491000800. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470491000800108
Sutherland, J. (2010). Mothering, Guilt and Shame. Sociology Compass, 4(5), 310-321. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9020.2010.00283.x

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Power Couples, Reaching Higher

The Paradox of Attachment

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Written by Dray Salcido
Buddhism defines attachment as the root of all suffering. And research shows that attachment is a common factor among individuals with symptoms of depression, anxiety, resentment, suicidal ideations, stress, and low self-esteem (Bates et al., 2018). Most of us aren’t fully conscious that our obsessions keep us stuck. Before I embraced mindfulness, I thought I’d always have a void. I believed life would persist in arbitrary, empty feelings. Our inability to feel satisfied, connected, and joyful comes from our conditioning to seek outside ourselves. Nonattachment means letting go of our “fixation to ideas, images, and sensory objects and not feeling an internal pressure to acquire, hold, avoid or change” (Sahdra et al., 2010). So, in what ways are we creating our own suffering, and how can we practice a meaningful life of nonattachment?
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Photo from pexels.com

What We Try to Possess, Possesses Us – Our Attachment to Things

A common area of attachment is found with our rumination of things, or materialism. Thoughts like once I have that car, home, wardrobe…then I’ll feel wanted, respected or good about myself. Materialism increases our comparison to others, discontent with our physical appearance, public self-consciousness, and feelings of inadequacy and lack (Elphinstone & Whitehead, 2019). So, why do we exhaust ourselves over having things if it doesn’t make us happy? Ironically, we attach our emotions to things outside us thinking it will ease our discomfort. Have you ever experienced a lonely night and found yourself online shopping? For a while, I attached my worth to my intellect, and thought the more books I owned the more secure I’d feel. We may experience momentary relief in our materialistic efforts, but we all know it doesn’t last. When we give things responsibility over our fulfillment, then we’ve also given up our power because our contentment is contingent upon having, rather than creating. Remember, it’s the clinging to the thing, not the enjoyment of the thing itself, that creates unnecessary suffering. 

Attached vs. Connected – Our Attachments to People

Perhaps more than things, we experience many attachments in our relationships. These usually show up in the form of preconceived notions. Take the transition from the honeymoon phase to a more realistic and stable phase as an example. Couples express anxiety and disappointment as the relationship changes because they think they’re no longer in love. It’s the clinging to the euphoria of a relationship that actually keeps them from feeling happy (Bates et al., 2018). Whereas accepting what is opens them up to new ways of loving and evolving together. Is it comfortable? No. But, pining for the way it was will create resentment and limit our growth with our partners. 
Aren’t we supposed to seek connection? Absolutely! We’re hard-wired for it (Brown, 2012). But, being unattached doesn’t mean you don’t care. Paradoxically letting go frees you up to love without condition, which facilitates true connection. Let’s define the difference between attachment and connection, since this can be tricky to grasp. Both are rooted in the same desires: to love and be loved. Yet, how we show up for people is a huge contrast. Attachment is based on fear and control. Connection is based on faith and letting go. Attachment encourages hiding or changing parts of ourselves. Connection is transparent and honest. Attachment feels like bondage. Connection feels like freedom. An attached person bases their emotional well-being on the behaviors of others. A connected person traces all emotional disturbances back to themselves. An attached person will see their loved ones as they “ought” to be, and resent or judge them when they inevitably fail to show up that way. A connected person sees their loved ones as they actually are, and accepts them for it. Practicing nonattachment shows increased empathy for others (Elphinstone & Whitehead, 2019). The paradox is that when we let go of our attachments we feel more connected. 
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Photo from pexels.com
Truthfully, most relationships have attachments. Do you expect your children to go to college? Do you expect your partner to stay with you for life? Do you expect your friend to call on your birthday? These are all attachments. Even the healthiest partnerships will experience hurt feelings and frustrations. Being unattached does not mean you don’t have needs in a relationship, but that you take ownership for those needs. Empowering yourself will help you to make loving requests of the people in your life to meet those needs, rather than entitled demands that they should. The more we can notice our own limiting thoughts about others, the greater capacity we’ll have to let go of being right and choose love instead.

“Be That Self Which One Truly Is” – Our Attachments to Identity

An ancient method for catching monkeys is to place a banana in a cage. When the animal comes along it will reach through the bars and grab the banana. A hunter will then capture the monkey effortlessly all because it won’t let go. The solution is simple: let go of the banana! This isn’t the monkey’s only source of food. It could easily let go, find food elsewhere and keep its life. But, it’s so attached to the fruit it cannot comprehend the simplicity of freedom. In what ways are we controlled simply because we won’t let go? 
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Photo from pexels.com
One of the strongest attachment issues we face is around our sense of self. We over-identify using outside sources to make meaning of who we are. Our attachments may be financial status, appearance and body image, popularity, achievements, number of likes and followers, religion, family background, relationship status, perceived talents and abilities, sexual desires and preferences, our youth, gender, race, nationality, addiction, mental health issues, and any other ideas of who you are. Some of us are even attached to our own suffering, or identity as a victim. It’s one thing to acknowledge all these parts of ourselves, and another to attach our sense of worth to them. The self is elusive. Our thoughts of identity aren’t who we really are. The true Self is divine. To see and accept ourselves beyond mental and social constructs is nonattachment, and nonattachment is true love. 
So what if we trust life the way we trust our breathing? Our inhale provides oxygen necessary to our survival. But the exhale is just as important to rid the body of carbon dioxide. Can we be grateful for the inhale, and then let go, or exhale knowing there is more good to come? Just as there is nourishment in breath, there is nourishment in all aspects of life: work, relationships, beliefs, etc. It is when we attach to these things that we unconsciously “disturb ourselves with expectations, opinions, criticisms, and disappointments” (Adele, 2009). Trust life knowing that the nature of existence is impermanence. Just like our breathing, when held too long, that which was nourishing becomes toxic. So, let go of the banana. 
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Photo from pexels.com
In conclusion, having attachments isn’t good or bad. Shakespeare said, “nothing is neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so.” So the only question left is how do you want to feel? What attachments would you like to keep, and which would you like to let go of? Ask yourself, “is this attachment serving me? Does it feel light or heavy? Is it creating more joy or more suffering?” Observing and being aware of our thoughts is the first step toward enlightenment.
Personal Practice 1This Week:
  1. Notice your breathing. Can you inhale and exhale – take in and let go, and trust that more good comes?
  2. Look at the objects you own. Do they feel light and detached from your worth? Or do they feel heavy and bring reminders of lack or insecurity?
  3. Notice your expectations. Are you unconsciously demanding fulfillment and comfort from people? Or are you grateful for their existence and consciously making loving requests?
  4. Observe your feelings about the self. Can you look at all the parts that define you without judgment? Or, do you need to look/be a certain way before you love yourself? 
Remember, as you start your journey of nonattachment be curious and kind. Harsh judgments will bring further suffering. Just notice your thoughts, and you’ll be on the gradual path of freedom.                                            

References

Adele, D. (2009). The yamas & niyamas: Exploring yoga’s ethical practice. On-Word Bound Books LLC.
Bates, G., Elphinstone, B., & Whitehead, R. (2018). Stories of suffering and growth: An investigation of the lived experience of nonattachment. Contemporary Buddhism, 19(2),  448-475. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1080/14639947.2018.1572311
Brown, C. B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, N.Y.: Gotham.
Elphinstone, B., & Whitehead, R. (2019). The benefits of being less fixated on self and stuff: Nonattachment, reduced insecurity, and reduced materialism. Personality and Individual Differences, 149, 302-308. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1016/j.paid.2019.06.019
Sandra, B., P. Shaver, and K. Brown. 2010. A scale to measure nonattachment: A Buddhist complement to western research on attachment and adaptive function. Journal of Personality Assessment 92 (2): 116-127. https://doi-10.1080/00223890903425960

 

 

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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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Power Couples

Wedding Nights for Virgins – What Your Mom Won’t Tell You

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Written by Rian Gordon, Updated August, 2021
Wedding night jitters are a REAL THING — especially if you are a virgin. I grew up in a very conservative and highly religious community where most parents encourage their children to wait until marriage to have sex. This is something that I am proud of and very grateful for, since waiting until marriage was exactly the right choice for my husband and I (there are lots of emotional, mental, and physical benefits to waiting for sex) (Abbott, White, & Felix, 2010). However, when parents are concerned about their children waiting to start having sex until they are married, they often unintentionally (or intentionally) create a lot of unnecessary fear and worry in their children about the subject (Brotherson, 2015). I was lucky enough to have parents and teachers who were helpful at educating me about sex in a healthy way, but I know that is not the case for everyone (click here for information on how to have healthy conversations with your kids about sex). In this post, I intend to hopefully take away some of the nerves you may be feeling about your wedding night and empower you to have a wonderful, joyful, and unifying experience with your spouse when you make love for the first time.
Warning: This post will most definitely contain words that might make some people a little uncomfortable. I get pretty candid here, but I promise to avoid being explicit. Just be prepared for some good, honest talk about sex.
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Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

– Before –

Do Your Research!

Something that can really help when it comes to preparing for your wedding night is doing a little research beforehand. Having regular exams with your doctor can help you be physically ready and identify any potential problems you may encounter (Note: It’s a great idea to get these exams yearly. You do NOT have to be getting married to have a physical with your doctor). Talk with your fiancé and doctor about your expectations about family planning, and make sure you have everything you need if birth control is in your plan (be aware that some methods can take some time before they start working). Books and classes can also be a great resource to help you learn more about how to prepare for sex. If you are in school, check and see what marriage preparation or healthy sexuality classes they might have available. If you are finished with school, or if there aren’t any available at your school, check and see if the community offers any sort of classes or workshops for engaged couples. Online courses are also a great option.
There are all sorts of different books on sex and lovemaking, but here are a few that I have liked, and that have been recommended by marriage and sex therapists:
  • Sexual Wholeness in Marriage: An LDS Perspective on Integrating Sexuality and Spirituality in our Marriages by Dean Busby PhD, Jason Carroll PhD, and Chelom Leavitt JD MS
  • Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman
  • You, Me, and We: A Practical Guide to Marital Intimacy by Dr. Anthony Hughes PhD
  • A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds by Douglas Roseneau
  • What Your Parents Didn’t Tell You about Sex: An LDS Guide to Sexual Intimacy by Dr. Anthony Hughes PhD
  • The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye
  • And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment by Laura M. Brotherson CFLE

    woman reading a book while sitting on black leather 3-seat couch
    Photo by Seven Shooter on Unsplash
It may be a good idea to read books (especially very descriptive ones) separately before your married, since reading about sex can really turn you on. If this happens to you, just be aware that it’s normal, and it’s good! You want to be excited about being with your spouse! Just be aware of how sexual materials affect you, and make choices that will help you reach your personal and couple sexual goals.
Note: Not all of the information in each of these books may be applicable to you. Take what you need, and run with that.

Talk About Expectations

Expectations can make or break a relationship, and they are particularly important when it comes to having a successful wedding night. Before the day of your wedding (I would recommend the day before, but talk about what will work best for you as a couple), it is a REALLY good idea to talk with your fiancé about how you would like your first night of wedded bliss to go. Talk about timing, what to wear, foreplay, how you would like intercourse to play out, whether or not you would even like to try having intercourse the first night, etc. It sounds counter-intuitive, since Hollywood has really made it look like spontaneity makes for the best sex, but talking about it beforehand can help to get rid of any of the fears or worries that you are both having, and it can help you to work together as a couple to meet each other’s expectations.
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Photo by Sorin Sirbu on Unsplash

Remember There’s a lot more to be Excited About

Despite all of the hype, keep in mind that sex isn’t the only thing to look forward to in marriage! Take some of the pressure off yourself and your partner by focusing on some of the other benefits of tying the knot. Keep dating, keep getting to know each other and having fun together, keep building trust, and keep strengthening your partnership as a couple (remember that great sex isn’t the only thing that makes a great marriage!).

– The Night Of –

Take Your Time

Once you get to the hotel, don’t feel like you have to rush right into things. It’s okay to take some time to get comfortable with the fact that you can do more than just kiss each other. Be open about the expectations that you discussed, and be willing to be flexible with them as feelings or desires may have changed now that the moment is actually here. Foreplay (such as undressing each other, taking a shower together, giving each other a massage, etc.) can be really helpful in helping you both relax and get into the mood. Remember that most women take at least 4x as long as men to get warmed up and ready to go (Busby, Carroll, & Leavitt, 2013)! Because of this, it can be a good idea for the woman to dictate timing — especially since intercourse can be a little painful the first time** (don’t let this scare you! Getting to know your body and talking with a doctor can help you determine what you can personally do to help your body prepare so that pain is minimal. One of them is using lots of lubrication). Also, do not get discouraged if ejaculation happens before you can get to intercourse. That is pretty common, particularly for virgins. Wait a little bit, keep enjoying each other, and try again later, if you like.
You should also realize that although orgasm is most often associated with penetration, it’s actually clitoral stimulation, not penetration, that leads to orgasm for most women (Nagoski, 2021). This is a biological sexual difference that can help husbands and wives attend to one another and practice selflessness and mindfulness in lovemaking. Take the time to discover one another’s preferences, and be patient as you try different things and learn what works best for the both of you.
** Although there may be a small amount of pain the first time penetration occurs, please be aware that sex is not meant to be a painful experience! If the pain persists, and you find that you cannot relax and enjoy intercourse, consider consulting with your OBGYN.

It’s Messy

This is the part of sex that the movies never tell you about. There is often a little bit of blood after first-time intercourse. Semen is also gloopy and dries sticky and, depending on what birth control you are using, it can make a bit of a mess. Be sure to lay out a towel if you want to be able to sleep in your wedding bed sheets. Packing some disposable wipes in your honeymoon luggage is a good idea. It is also a good idea for women to go to the bathroom and urinate after intercourse to help with cleanliness and prevention of urinary tract infections, and to help keep things clean. But don’t feel like you have to do this immediately. Feel free to cuddle first!
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Photo from pexels.com
Also be aware that you or your partner might make weird noises while you’re having sex. Releasing your inhibitions and completely relaxing together may bring on sounds that you didn’t know you could make. This is totally normal, and is all part of the fun. Don’t worry too much about making a silly noise, and if a noise that your partner is making turns you off, or makes you feel uncomfortable, find an appropriate time to kindly talk with them about it (just like you would with any other aspect of your relationship).

It Doesn’t Have To Be Perfect

The goal of your first time is not to end with both of you in simultaneous orgasm. The goal is to express your love for one another, be open with each other, and to explore each other. Don’t feel like your first time having sex together has to be perfect in order for it to be a wonderful and valid experience. Your first time does not determine the health of your future sex life. Be open to helping each other, feeling a little bit vulnerable, and maybe even giggling together as you try something totally new for the both of you. And remember — practice makes perfect!

– After –

Sex is an Ongoing Conversation

The key to having a great sex life is not hot young bods, spontaneity, or forbidden romance — the key is communication and continuing to get to know each other over time (Busby, Carroll, & Leavitt, 2013; Gottman, & Gottman, 2016; Leman, 2008). This is true from your first time making love, all the way through to the end of your life! Don’t ever stop talking with your spouse about your sexual needs and desires. Keep up an honest and open ongoing conversation about what you like or don’t like, how often you’d like to have sex, things you might like to try, whether or not your needs are being met, etc. These needs change over time, and expecting your spouse to read your mind (even after years of being together) is not realistic. Keeping the conversation going will help keep both your emotional and your sexual relationship strong, and will help you to continue to keep the spark alive throughout your marriage.
Personal Practice 1If you aren’t yet married: Write down hopes and expectations that you have for your wedding night.  How would you like things to go?
If you are married: Put into practice the principle that sex is an ongoing conversation. Have fun practicing making love with your spouse, and then talk about it! 🙂

References

Abbott, D., White, J., & Felix, D. (2010). NOT READY FOR SEX: An Endorsement for Adolescent Sexual Abstinence. International Journal of Sociology of the Family, 36(2), 159-179. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/23028827
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). The man’s guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the “love lab” about what women really want. New York City, NY: Rodale Books.
Leman, K. (2008). Sheet music: Uncovering the secrets of sexual intimacy in marriage. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House.
Marturana, A. (2018, May 07). Is It Actually That Important To Pee After Sex? Retrieved from https://www.self.com/story/is-it-actually-that-important-to-pee-after-sex
Nagoski, E. (2021). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Sandfort, T. G., Orr, M., Hirsch, J. S., & Santelli, J. (2008). Long-term health correlates of timing of sexual debut: results from a national US study. American journal of public health, 98(1), 155–161. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2006.097444

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me

Getting [Insert Accomplishment Here] Will NOT Fix It

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Written by Rian Gordon
Do you ever find yourself feeling unsatisfied with where you are at?
Do you sometimes get overwhelmed by the struggles and problems you are facing?
Is there something you are currently working towards or hoping for, that you feel like would fix it all if you just had it now?
Many of us struggle at times with feeling like the grass is greener on the other side, or that our lives would be so much better if we just had another life accomplishment checked off our list. It doesn’t help that we are constantly being bombarded with everyone else’s life accomplishments and edited-to-perfection realities (thanks, social media). Seeing how everyone else’s lives are being made better (or so it would seem) by all of these events can cause us to get the wrong idea about what will bring improvement in our own lives.
boy in red shirt running on green grass field during daytime
Photo by Georgy Trofimov on Unsplash
In a world where everyone’s steps forward through life are constantly on display for all to see, it can be easy to fall prey to the idea that, “If I just find a boyfriend…”, “If I just get married…”, “If I just get my degree…”, “If I just get pregnant…etc etc…everything will be better!” This is a very dangerous thought process that causes a lot more harm than help to us and to our relationships.
Research has shown that taking a big life step in order to “fix” a problem actually does the opposite. Researcher Brené Brown calls this The Magnification Principle. “Through the research process, I have come to believe that whatever problems you take into a life event will become instantly magnified the moment the hoopla surrounding that life event comes to a close…Whatever problems you and your partner take into a marriage get magnified. The same thing applies to having children. Not only are the issues staying, they’re going to get more complicated and complex.” (Brown, 210)
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Photo from pexels.com
When we look at our lives and expect that our problems will be fixed by an unknown future, we set ourselves up for a whole lot of heartache. The problem is in the unrealistic expectation. When our expectations are flawed by nature, we are automatically setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment. When our issues are magnified rather than miraculously healed by a life event, we feel let down, frustrated, and maybe even hopeless. Having realistic expectations, on the other hand, can help us to face our problems with more intentionality, and come up with strategies that will actually help us heal rather than magnify our issues.
Now, I am NOT saying that you should always postpone a life step because of issues that you are currently facing. We all have things that we are working through, and by no means should we refuse to make a move towards progress because we don’t feel that we are perfectly ready. Most likely, you will never actually be “perfectly” ready for a major life event! However, as you approach these life-changing steps forward, it is important to evaluate your personal issues, and take steps for addressing them. Learning to face problems where you are at now rather than expecting that they will be fixed later on will help you be more prepared as you move forward in life. Work to communicate, set healthy boundaries, and utilize the resources that you have at your disposal to help you. Furthermore, if you are facing more serious problems such as mental health issues, serious financial problems, marital or relationship discord or domestic abuse, etc., it might be a very good idea to put things on pause, and get help now rather than assuming things will straighten themselves out after your next big life step.
Personal Practice 1Think about the next life accomplishment that you are working towards (ie. committing to a relationship, graduating with your degree, buying a home, having a child, etc.). What struggles are you facing right now that you would like to address before taking that next step? Write down one thing that you can do this week to help yourself move towards addressing those struggles.
Click here for a free download to help you with this personal practice. 

References

Brown, B. (2008). I thought it was just me: But it isn’t: Telling the truth about perfectionism, inadequacy, and power. New York: Gotham.
Daley, K. (n.d.). Love and Pregnancy: Can a Baby Save Your Struggling Relationship?. Retrieved from https://www.parents.com/pregnancy/my-life/emotions/love-and-pregnancy-can-a-baby-save-your-struggling-relationship/
Silver, K. (n.d.). Does Having a Baby Strengthen Your Relationship? Retrieved from https://www.parents.com/parenting/relationships/sex-and-marriage-after-baby/does-a-baby-strengthen-a-relationship/
Steber, C. (2018, December 17). Early Relationship Problems That Often Get Worse With Time. Retrieved from https://www.bustle.com/p/11-early-relationship-problems-that-are-most-likely-to-get-worse-over-time-77046

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Power Couples

4 Ways to a Better Relationship with Your Mother-In-Law

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Written by Shirley Anderson
A first century Roman satirist once stated that couples should “give up all hope of peace as long as your mother-in-law is still alive” (Shih, 2015). Believe it or not, negative stereotypes and degrading jokes about mothers-in-law have been around since the dawn of time. Contrary to prevailing societal norms, our relationship with our mother-in-law can be amicable and even enjoyable when grounded in mutual love and respect. Below are 4 simple ways to help you jump-start this fruitful relationship.

#1 Have an Attitude of Gratitude

When was the last time you genuinely thanked your mother-in-law? Did you thank her for remembering your birthday, calling to check-in, or for striving to be involved in your family’s life? If it proves difficult to find things you’re grateful for, remember that  she raised, loved, and shaped your companion into the person he/she is today- the person you chose to spend your life with! Many of the talents and attributes you love in your spouse may be directly attributed to her. Being grateful is an important habit to utilize when a relationship is strained. Expressing gratitude often will help you maintain a favorable perspective of your mother-in-law.

#2 Rethink Your Expectations

The majority of issues that arise in the in-law relationship (and any relationship, for that matter) emerge from unknown, unspoken and therefore unmet expectations. Research has found that women often “evaluate their mothers-in-law relying on their own mothers as the standard for comparison” (Shih, 2015). And while they “expect [their own] mothers to be very involved in their lives as an extension of their close bonds, they want mothers-in-law to walk a tightrope between close emotional bonds and noninterference.” Is it any wonder that so many unspoken and unrealistic expectations are never met?
black pants
Photo by Dario Valenzuela on Unsplash
Practice verbalizing your expectations with your spouse, and directly with your mother-in-law. As you invite open communication you will realize which of those expectations are realistic and which need to be modified or set aside. Equally important is asking your mother-in-law about her expectations. An open dialogue will diminish the strain of complicated unknown and unspoken expectations and feelings.

#3 Set Healthy Boundaries

Mental health professionals have said, “Healthy boundaries can be the difference between a healthy, happy relationship and a toxic, dysfunctional relationship….because one may feel that they have no privacy anymore” (Hall Health Center Health Promotion staff, 2014). A key to being able to love wholeheartedly, void of resentment, is to create and maintain healthy boundaries. Remember that your responsibility first and foremost is to your nuclear family (spouse and children), and sometimes this means setting boundaries with well-intentioned extended family. Too often we let feelings of indebtedness overshadow our needs as individuals or family units, which inevitably leads to resentment. Research shows that, “when one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom” (Cloud & Townsend, 2002). Study out what is important to you and your spouse and create ways in which you can diplomatically set boundaries which will increase love and connection without jeopardizing your own self-control and privacy.  
Extended family smiling and kissing in a park
Photo from pexels.com

#4 Be a Kinkeeper

A kinkeeper refers to the wise individual who keeps the larger perspective and end goal in mind–the perpetuation of familial solidarity and cohesion. This person puts forth concerted effort to initiate the nurturing of family relationships and maintains connection throughout the highs and lows of life. It is far too easy and common to criticize or distance ourselves when difficult situations arise, but a kinkeeper values family relationships above personal pride and petty preferences. The kinkeeper will reflect on the issue and initiate whatever measures are necessary to mend and maintain the relationship. Developing the habit of kinkeeping can greatly increase daughter/son and mother-in-law relationships and significantly decrease family tension.

Conclusion:

These four practices will certainly not eliminate all disappointment, frustration or misunderstanding. However, as these practices become habits, they will enable you to create a deep familial bond with your mother-in-law that will set the tone for your shared family culture and influence generations to come.
Choose one of these practices to implement with your mother-in-law this week!

References

Adler, L. L., Davis, W. M., Ahmed, R., Mrinal, N. R., Mukherji, B. R., & Morgan, N. (1989). The perception of mother-in-law and father-in-law in cross-cultural perspective. International Journal  of Group Tensions, 19, 245–254.
Cloud, H., Townsend, J. (2002). Boundaries in Marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Hall Health Center Health Promotion staff. (2014, January). Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships. Retrieved from: http://depts.washington.edu/hhpccweb/health-resource/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships/
Shih, K. Y., & Pyke, K. (2015). Seeing mothers-in-law through the lens of the mothering ideology: An interview analysis of Taiwanese, Taiwanese American, and Mexican American daughters-in-law. Journal of Family Issues37(14), 1968–1993. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0192513X15570319
Turner, M. J., Young, C. R., & Black, K. I. (2006). Daughters-in-Law and Mothers-in-Law Seeking Their Place Within the Family: A Qualitative Study of Differing Viewpoints. Family Relations: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies, 55(5), 588–600. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2006.00428.x

 

 

 

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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
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