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Connection and Belonging: How To Create It and Why We Need It

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Cover photo by Anna Selle on Unsplash

Written by MaCall Smith, Brigham Young University
When was the last time you felt someone really listened to you, or you intentionally listened to someone else? When was the last time you had a deep desire to connect, to be seen, or to be understood? Brené Brown, an accomplished researcher in the field of vulnerability, said, “Connection is why we are here” (Brown, 2010).  She adds that we are “wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When [these] needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick” (Brown, 2022).
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The desire to connect and belong are a crucial part of what makes us human. Research shows that feeling connected with others helps to enhance our quality of life (Haslam et al., 2020), positively influences our mental (Santini, et al., 2021) and physical health (Eisenberger & Cole, 2012), and can even promote and stimulate learning in educational settings (Knifsend, 2020).
The question is, how can we create this type of meaningful connection? There is no one right way to create social connection, but here are a few helpful tips to get you started on your path to belonging. 

A-T-T-U-N-E

How often do we ask people “How are you?” never really listening to the response and never expecting them to say anything other than “Good, how are you?” What if instead, when asking this question, we listen intently? By truly listening, we set the stage for meaningful connection. 
It is equally important to show the speaker we are listening. John Gottman, one of the foremost marriage researchers in the world, uses the acronym ATTUNE to describe a healthy way for couples to communicate (Gottman, 1979). ATTUNE stands for: Attend, Turn Toward, Understand Nondefensively listen, and Empathize. This method of communicating is valuable in any type of relationship and helps to create a deeper sense of connection.
Photo by Trung Thanh on Unsplash
Attend- to be mentally present and give your undivided attention
Turn Toward- physically turn towards the person
Understand- ask questions, show genuine interest, and try to understand rather than giving solutions
Nondefensively listen- don’t interrupt or react, just listen
Empathize- let them know you value how they feel even if you have never felt it yourself 
Using these tips while listening fosters connection. As we focus on being both physically and mentally present, we show the speaker that we want to connect with them. As we empathize and physically turn towards others it helps create an environment where the speaker can feel that they belong and are not alone. Listening in this way allows us to get to know someone on a deeper level as they share openly. This cycle leads to further connection and belonging in both the speaker and listener.
Photo by NONRESIDENT on Unsplash

Be Willing to be Vulnerable

After we have created this sense of trust by listening intently to others, it is then important to share about ourselves as well. In my first few months of college, I remember feeling very lonely and that no one knew who I really was. I realized that part of the reason I felt so alone was because of my lack of sharing about myself. No one knew who I was because I was not willing to tell others about myself. 
Opening up allows others to see us more deeply. It is in these moments of vulnerability that connection is truly made. 
Now, this does not have to include telling someone your entire life story the first time you meet them. Rather it can start with little moments when you share about your day, your job, your family, your feelings, and eventually the things that weigh heavy on your heart or make you who you are. Sharing these important aspects of our lives is what helps us to feel connected and helps connect us to others. 
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
As it turns out, it is in small moments like asking someone how they are doing that create connection. As we listen and are willing to be vulnerable, we create a sense of belonging, where both people can be completely comfortable in their own skin. As Brené Brown says, “True belonging… requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn to be present with people – without sacrificing who we are” (Brown, 2010).
Practice using the ATTUNE acronym in even just one conversation with someone this week. You may be surprised at the difference it makes in your ability to connect!

References

Brown, B. (2010). The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown – YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Brown, B. (2022). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.
Eisenberger, N., & Cole, S. (2012). Social neuroscience and health: neurophysiological mechanisms linking social ties with physical health. Nat Neurosci 15, 669–674.  https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.3086
Knifsend, C. A. (2020). Intensity of activity involvement and psychosocial well-being among students. Active Learning in Higher Education, 21(2), 116- 127. https://doi.org/10.1177/1469787418760324
Gottman, J. M. (1979). A couple’s guide to communication. Research Press.
Santini, Z. I., Pisinger, V. S. C., Nielsen, L., Madsen, K. R., Nelausen, M. K., Koyanagi, A., Koushede, V., Roffey, S., Thygesen, L. C., & Meilstrup, C. (2021). Social disconnectedness, loneliness, and mental health among adolescents in danish high schools: A nationwide cross-sectional study. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2021.632906

 

MaCall Smith is from Malad, Idaho and is a Junior studying at Brigham Young University. She is a Family Life: Family Studies Major with plans to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. She is passionate about understanding how to help everyone fulfill their innate human need for connection and belonging.
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Heartfulness: Understanding Our Deep Feelings and Empathic Nature

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Written by Dray Salcido
“To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate.” 
– Anthon St. Maarten
Heartfulness is more than mindfulness. It’s embracing our imagination and feelings, and is meant to awaken in us that which was sleeping. A study revealed, “the magnetic field produced by the heart is 5,000 times greater in strength than the field generated by the brain and can be detected and measured several feet away from the body, in all directions (Watkins, 2014). Essentially, the ability to feel has more influence on life than anything else. This time of pandemic and collective grief may be our chance to understand ourselves and live more fully. Allow me to share some research, and thoughts on why a more heartful way of living is essential to make it through 2020. 

The Elements

At some point in history, it was decided that removing emotion from decision making, and intellectual pursuits was the right thing to do. I recognize the successes that come with objectivity, but also think we’ve done ourselves a disservice by valuing logic too highly. Placing reason above connection will be more detrimental than beneficial, and scientific research validates this presumption.
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Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
When emotion is measured, it appears faster and more apparent than our cognitions. The brain is there to make sense of our feelings, but it also stores conflicting information. The more data in our mind, the longer it takes to process emotion. Our intuition, however, is faster than our mind. Research shows that making decisions based on our gut improves cognitive functioning and produces more satisfying results for people (Yip et. Al, 2020). Perhaps it’s most apparent with big decisions like, “Who will I marry?”, “How will I vote?”, “How will I raise my children?”, “What career will I pursue?” etc. When we act solely on logic we often betray ourselves, and experience regret down the road. Ever found yourself in a job you hate, but chose because it makes good money? Or, stayed in a relationship because “they’re perfect”, but you’re not happy? We need our emotions to guide us, not only to what makes sense, but to what we really want. There’s enough evidence to prove any and everything. But, only one heart knows what’s best for you. 

The Experience

Our conditioning has inhibited our heartfulness. Most of us have received messages like “you’re too much, don’t be angry, don’t cry, it’s not that big of a deal” etc. The truth is, not being free to feel our feelings completely is what’s created a pandemic of emptiness and dissatisfaction with ourselves and our relationships. Empathy is an important factor in thriving relationships. Essentially, it’s in our biology to give and receive empathy (Wearne, 2020). Our lifetime of resisting feelings deliberately contradicts our scientific makeup.
I remember being in kindergarten and sensing that my dad was cheating on my mom. I kept this awareness to myself for many reasons: I had no evidence, it was illogical, I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I was afraid to be mocked, and a big part of me wanted to be wrong. Years went by and this gut feeling got stronger. When I was eleven, or so, I finally told my mom that my dad was cheating on her. She asked how I knew. I explained that I had no proof, but felt a strong feeling. The following year he confessed his infidelity. My feeling wasn’t crazy, it was prophetic.
Have you ever felt sad when you walked in the house, only to find out your partner had had a rough day? Have you ever felt a random burst of anxiety while your friend was driving, and they tell you they just saw a police car? According to Dr. Watkins, “the electromagnetic field of the heart carries information that can not only be detected in the behaviors of other people in close proximity, but also has measurable, physiological effects on them” (Watkins, 2014). This isn’t just woo woo, feelings stuff. This is scientific. We feel each other’s feelings both unintentionally and intentionally, and we are hardwired to do so. 
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Embrace

Glennon Doyle tells a story of her daughter’s sensitivity. In school, the kids were taught about the polar bears struggling to survive because of the melting ice caps. Glennon’s daughter preoccupied herself with the polar bears for months and asked, “Who’s going to help them?” and “Where’s the polar bear’s mommy to take care of them?” One night she told Glennon, “It’s the polar bears now but nobody cares…so soon it’s going to be us.” Glennon realized her daughter wasn’t crazy to be heartbroken about the polar bears. The rest of us are crazy not to be heartbroken about the polar bears (Brown, 2020). Angry, devastated people aren’t weird or insane. They just may be the only ones responding appropriately to a damaged world. It’s the shamans, clergy, healers and poets that see what other people can’t, and are willing to feel what other people refuse. They follow their gut. They’ve embraced their heartfulness.
The problem with numbing, masking or resisting emotion is that we stop trusting ourselves. Goethe said, “as soon as you learn to trust yourself, you will know how to live.” We all start out hopeful, happy and trusting. Then life challenges us and breaks us down. Rather than leaning into and learning more about our hearts, we often put up walls and armor of protection. It’s time for us to unlearn our doubt and fear. Let’s unpack our way back to ourselves and each other. 
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
So, what if we embraced our deep feelings? What if we got back to caring for the collective good? Leaning into emotion may be the most difficult thing you ever do. When we become heartful, we feel more, and the more we feel, the more ups and downs we will experience. We will be confronted with our own light and darkness. You may realize just how permeable you are, and how vulnerable we all are (McConkie, 2017). But it also clears up the way for real connection, and demonstrates how capable of emotions, like love, we can be. It will be painful and beautiful, and totally worth it!
Personal Practice 1This week, express your true feelings to yourself and those around you. Be unapologetic in your emotions. Hold space for yourself, even if you don’t think what you feel is logical or valid. Practice holding nonjudgmental space for others as well. Record your realizations that arise from this emotional embrace.

References

Brown, B., (Producer). (2020, March 24). Glennon Doyle and Brené on Untamed [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://brenebrown.com/podcast/glennon-doyle-brene-on-untamed/
McConkie, T., (Producer). (2017, November 15). Heartfulness [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://www.mindfulnessplus.org/episodedetails/2017/11/15/26-heartfulness
Watkins, A. R., (2015). Coherence: The secret science of brilliant leadership. KoganPage.  
Wearne, T.A., Osborne-Crowley, K., Logan, J.A., Wilson, E., Rushby, J., & McDonald, S. (2020). Understanding how others feel: Evaluating the relationship between empathy and various aspects of emotion recognition following severe traumatic brain injury. Neuropsychology, 34(3), 288-297. https://doi-org.ezporxy.uvu.edu/10.1037/neu0000609
Yip, J.A., Stein, D.H., Cote, S., & Carney, D.R. (2020). Follow your gut? Emotional intelligence moderates the association between physiologically measured somatic markers and risk-taking. Emotion, 20(3), 462-472. http://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10/1037/emo00000561.supp (Supplemental)

 

 

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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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Power Couples, Single Souls

4 Qualities You Should Look For in a Mate

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Written by Rian Gordon
The first date, the first kiss, the first “I love you”… When you are searching for a romantic partner, it can be really easy to get lost in the moments that make up falling in love. There’s a reason why they say “love is blind”. With all of the rushing hormones that tend to make up the start of a new relationship, it’s no wonder that so many of us find ourselves in relationships with less-than-ideal partners time and time again! So, how do you prevent yourself from falling for someone that may not be good for you in the long run?
Here are four qualities that research has suggested are important to look for (and develop!) if your goal is to have a healthy and happy relationship.

1. Sense of Self

Having a strong sense of self is incredibly important when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy relationships. While Platonic philosophy (and Hollywood, for that matter) would have us believe that there is a perfect soulmate or “other half” for us somewhere out in the world, the reality is that relationships do not complete us (Van Epp, 2008). Healthy relationships consist of two whole people (as whole, of course, as we can be in our imperfect human world) coming together to create something bigger than just the two of them. Now, a strong sense of self does not mean that you have to know exactly what you want in life or how you will get there; many of us meet our partners when we are young, and still trying to get a handle on life! It does mean, however, that you have a pretty good idea of how you relate to the world – you have goals, values, and ideals, and you feel positively about who you are at your core. Having a strong sense of self sets you up for an equal partnership and a relationship between two whole people, confident in their ability to navigate and conquer life together. 
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Photo from pexels.com

2. Empathy

Empathy is a skill that helps in building trust, deepening connection, increasing understanding, and even resolving conflict. Studies have also found that empathy is positively related to overall relationship satisfaction (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010; Sened et al., 2017), and can help in decreasing depression (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010). When you are in a relationship for the long-haul, you want someone who is going to listen with love, and who will do their best to see things from your perspective, whether or not they agree. Practicing empathy for one another will really help you and your partner as you seek to support one another in your personal and couple goals and dreams, and as you face difficulties together (something that comes in every long-term relationship!).

3. Respects Boundaries

Boundaries create safety in relationships, and safety is critical in any stage of a relationship. In fact, you have to feel safe in order to experience real and meaningful connection! When our minds and bodies feel safe, it “enables us to collaborate, listen, empathize, and connect, as well as be creative, innovative, and bold in our thinking and ideas” (Boeder, 2017). A lack of physical safety (feeling safe from any form of physical danger, including abuse), emotional safety (feeling safe to be open with someone emotionally), or commitment safety (feeling safe in your relationship and trusting that your partner is committed to you) prevents growth in the relationship, and can even lead to serious pain or trauma. If you don’t feel safe with someone, you cannot be yourself around them. If your date or partner does not respect your boundaries, they are not worthy of your trust or your time. 
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Photo by Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash

4. Emotional Intelligence

Emotions are a part of every-day life, and, when it comes to feelings, relationships bring the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004), and is a trait that is positively associated with relationship satisfaction (Malouff, Schutte, & Thorsteinsson, 2013; Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013) as well as better mental health (Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013). Someone who is emotionally intelligent allows themselves to feel emotions that are both “positive” and “negative”, but doesn’t get stuck in these emotions forever. They have positive coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions, and they can also separate their own emotions from the emotions of those around them. Finding a partner who knows how to identify, express, and work through their emotions in a positive and productive way will be a major asset as you both navigate the ups and downs of life and committed relationships. Read more about emotional intelligence in relationships in other HHP articles here, here, and here.

But how can you REALLY tell?

These traits are not always easy to identify in everyone you meet, especially if you are just first getting to know someone. So how can you really tell if someone possesses these essential qualities? One answer is T+T+T: Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time (Van Epp, 2008). In general, the more time you spend with someone, the better you get to know them. However, time alone does not ensure a deep or real knowledge of who someone is at their core. The other two elements are key in knowing who someone really is. Make sure that when you are searching for a mate, you spend a significant amount of time together in a wide variety of situations, and that you are both sharing about yourselves in a way that is proportionate to the level of time and trust in your relationship.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Golden Rule

Therapist and author Dr. John Van Epp says, “Being the best person you can be is the first step in building a healthy relationship” (Van Epp, 2008). You can’t expect to find a partner who has a strong sense of self, is empathetic, respects your boundaries, and has emotional intelligence if you yourself are not working on developing the same qualities! The good news is, these are traits you can LEARN and PRACTICE. You do not have to be perfect in each of these traits in order to make an eligible partner. However, actively working towards improving in each of these areas guarantees improvement in any of your relationships (not just your romantic ones), and ensures that you will be ready when the right partner who has also been working on developing themself comes along!
Personal Practice 1It’s important to develop in yourself traits that you would like to find in a mate! Choose one of these four traits you would like to work on developing in yourself, and set one or two goals to help you with this development. 

References

Boeder, E. (2018, February 16). Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-safety-is-necessary-for-emotional-connection/.
Cramer, D., & Jowett, S. (2010). Perceived empathy, accurate empathy and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(3), 327–349. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509348384
Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Trait Emotional Intelligence and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 42(1), 53–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2012.748549
Mayer, John D., “What is Emotional Intelligence?” (2004). UNH Personality Lab. 8. Retrieved from https://scholars.unh.edu/personality_lab/8  
Sened, H., Lavidor, M., Lazarus, G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Rafaeli, E., & Ickes, W. (2017). Empathic accuracy and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 742–752. https://doi/10.1037/fam0000320
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Increasing Emotional Intelligence through Training: Current Status and Future Directions. The International Journal of Emotional Education 5(1), 56-72.
Van Epp, J. (2008). How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind. New York: McGraw-Hill.

 

4B3A0538editRian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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How to Have a Civil Conversation When You Disagree

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Written by Rian Gordon
In today’s world of Facebook rants, cyberbullying, and Youtube trolling, it seems near impossible for anyone to share any sort of opinion without someone else jumping right on in to explain why they are wrong. The truth is, as human beings, we experience the world differently. Because of varying backgrounds, perspectives, and life experiences, we are going to have differing opinions, and yes, even disagreements! This is normal, healthy, and can even be helpful (read on to find out how…). However, most “discussions” that we see happening around us, particularly on social media, often turn into anything short of an all-out riot rather than helping us find mutual understanding and empathy. So how can we avoid this? How can we disagree with someone and still remain civil (and maybe even benefit from the disagreement)? 

Step 1: Keep it Private

Facebook is NOT the place for a conversation where you are seeking to understand or be understood. If you want to have a real conversation with someone where mutual understanding is the goal, be intentional about having that conversation in some sort of private setting (whether that is in person or not). Consider having a video chat or at least a phone call so that you are able to notice body language and voice cues rather than just reading a text (it’s been argued that the actual words we say only make up about 7% of what we communicate (Mehrabian, 1967), so being able to read other non-verbal cues helps lower the possibility of misunderstanding). Create a space where both participants can feel safe, and free from fear of judgment or attack. 
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Photo by Jessica Da Rosa on Unsplash

Step 2: Listen and Learn

The most beautiful part about associating with people you disagree with is that we can all learn from each other. If we all thought the same, we wouldn’t need each other. Our varying experiences allow us to gain perspective, and to work together to make this world a better place! The goal of a conversation where there is disagreement on an issue should be empathy, not “winning”. Empathy (taking on someone else’s perspective) is what turns conflict from something divisive into something productive (check out our other articles here, here, and here to learn more about the power of empathy). It can help us come out of the other side of an argument feeling closer and more understanding towards each other. When you listen with empathy, you also have a better chance of learning something from the disagreement, whether or not what you learn changes your opinion. The point is, strive to see disagreement as an opportunity for connection and understanding rather than a fight to be won. 

Step 3: Don’t Put People In a Box

When we disagree with someone on a specific issue, it can be easy to make assumptions about other parts of their lives. Just because someone thinks one way about one matter, doesn’t mean that you can assume that you know all of their other thoughts and feelings. When you notice yourself making an assumption about someone, stop, take a mental step back, and ask yourself, “What is something true (not an assumption) that I know about this person?” Are they a loving parent? A good friend? A hard worker? Rather than getting caught up in your diverging opinions, focus on positive qualities that you KNOW they possess and allow those to shape your opinion of them. 

Step 4: Avoid Black and White Thinking

We’ve all heard the adage, “You’re either with me or against me.” Black and white thinking involves the perspective that there is only one way to do or see something. This thinking pattern can be incredibly harmful when we are trying to communicate with others. When it comes to people’s experiences, thoughts, and choices, chances are they are FAR more nuanced and complicated than we can understand from just a single opinion. When you are having a disagreement, remember that the person you are talking to is part of your same human family and that having a certain opinion doesn’t automatically make you enemies. 
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Photo by Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash

Step 5: The Care is Still There

Finally, it’s important to realize that you can disagree with someone and still care about them. When we disagree about an issue, it can be easy to take that disagreement personally. This builds on the previous steps. Creating a private space of mutual respect, safety, and empathy, along with avoiding assumptions and black and white thinking can help someone to know that you still care for them, even if you disagree. 
Even though disagreement can sometimes be uncomfortable, we don’t need to be afraid of it. When we keep conversations civil and make connection our mutual goal, our different opinions can be a source of learning, empathy, and progress rather than venom and frustration. The next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, slow down and try to remember that relationships are more important than always being “right”.
Personal Practice 1The next time you see something on social media that you disagree with or that makes you angry, DON’T REPLY ON THE COMMENT THREAD. Practice restraint, wait a few hours, and then if you still have something that you feel really needs to be said, reach out and have a private conversation instead.

References

Brown, Brené. (2017). Braving the wilderness: the quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. New York: Random House.
Mansfield, K. C., & Jean-Marie, G. (2015). Courageous conversations about race, class, and gender: Voices and lessons from the field. International Journal of Qualitative Studies in Education, 28(7), 819–841. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/09518398.2015.1036950
Mehrabian, A., & Wiener, M. (1967). Decoding of inconsistent communications. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 6, 109-114.
Moffitt, U., & Syed, M. (2020). Ethnic-racial identity in action: Structure and content of friends’ conversations about ethnicity and race. Identity: An International Journal of Theory and Research. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/15283488.2020.1838804

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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