In the year 2018, Americans purchased an astounding 17.3 million cars, making 2018 the fourth consecutive year that car sales exceeded 17 million (Lassa, 2018). In the years since 2014, over 68 million cars have been sold. With the population rounded down that still equals approximately 1 in 4 people trading in their old cars for new ones in the United States in only four years (U.S. and World Population Clock).
The purchases of a nation can give us a few hints as to the general attitudesand values of its members; the old adage “out with the old and in with the new” comes to mindwhen thinking of auto purchases. Those same attitudes are reflected in the state of the country’s marriages; the American Psychological Association reports that 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce (Marriage and Divorce). In America we are seeing an increase in both cars being replaced and marriages ending when they could still be potentially salvageable.
In our society many are indicating they value marriage and have a goal to be married at some point (2019; Popenoe et al., 1996), but when these marriages occur many do not last as long as the couple may have hoped. Marriage, the foundation of the microsystem in Bronfenbrenner’s ecological model, is the smallest unit and an integral part of society. Just like any car crumbles with a poor engine, society crumbles with failing marriages and families. Not only are marriages and families the foundation of society, but they are also an opportunity for a joyful life; we need to build our marriages to last for the good of our society and for our own happiness. So how can we build our marriages to last and find this sometimes-illusive joy in marriage?
It is suggested by marriage and family scholars that there are three core dimensions to wholeness in marriage: 1) the spiritual dimension, 2) the emotional dimension, and 3) the physical dimension, and there is research to prove it (Busby et al., 2013). These three basic components, just as the cooling system, engine, and gasoline work together in harmony to keep a car engine running smoothly can bring numerous blessings to a marriage.
The first dimension, the spiritual, has shown some interesting results. Whether it is an organized religion, a quiet faith, or simply a spiritual mindfulness, the spiritual part of each of us affects our marriages and can create a big impact (David & Stafford, 2013). For those identifying with a particular faith; religious communication between partners is directly linked to marital quality, especially if the spouses share the same beliefs (David & Stafford, 2013). From a simply spiritual standpoint, increased mindfulness is linked to higher satisfaction in romantic relationships (McGill et al., 2016). Somehow, there is something about connecting and communing with the divine, whether that be Deity or the divinity within each of us that brings peace and harmony to our marital relationships.
A specific example for these claims has also been found in the form of prayer. Couples that prayed versus couples who did not found that prayer assisted in their conflict resolution processes by lessening their feelings of contempt, enmity, and hostility towards one another (Butler et al., 2002). This same study also showed that prayer increased couples’ productive focus on the relationship and helped them to understand one another on a deeper level (Butler et al., 2002).
The emotional dimension is present from the beginning of any relationship. Every day we experience a host of emotions and that is how we connect with people. The desire to connect with others has been referred to as the need to belong (Busby et al., 2013). From the time we are born, we innately reach out to others for help in fulfilling our needs. Infants cry to be fed or have another need fulfilled by their mother or caregiver. As we grow older, we cry out in other ways for help in fulfilling our emotional needs. As spouses help us in filling these needs, we learn to trust, rely, and confide in them, strengthening our emotional attachment (Butler et al., 2002). Mother Teresa once explained, “Love begins by taking care of the closest ones – the ones at home.” We can foster emotional attachment through taking care of our loved ones by helping fulfill their needs. This abiding trust and reliance is essential in marital relationships because it fosters love as well as the sense of belonging that we are all searching for.
Finally, the physical dimension. Physical intimacy is an exciting and fulfilling part of relationships and is particularly important for marital satisfaction. Research has shown that sexuality is so much more than sensations and an erotic experience, it is deeply connected to the spiritual and emotional dimensions and can be used to strengthen the relationship as a whole (Butler et al., 2002). While the way it is connected spiritually differs within each belief system, recent studies have shown that the most universally applicable connection is found in mindfulness. Mindfulness, or practicing mental focus on sensations and on one’s partner in a sexual experience, increases self-esteem, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction (Leavitt et al., 2019). Self-esteem is strongly related to sexual satisfaction in romantic relationships. Struggles with self-esteem can come from a variety of different sources; poor self-image, lack of confidence or security in the relationship, poor body-image, etc. The lower the self-esteem, the lower the predicted sexual pleasure and arousal (Sanchez & Kiefer, 2007). If we can embrace how we feel about our physical appearance, how we feel about ourselves, and increase security in romantic relationships, our sexual experiences as couples will improve.
In addition to integrating the spiritual into the physical dimension with our spouses, we need to integrate emotional connection into our sexual experiences. Relationship researcher Dr. Sue Johnson put it this way, “The safer we feel emotionally, the more we can communicate, express our needs, play and explore our responses and relax into sexual feelings” (Johnson, 2008). When emotional security is present there is a heightened sense of eroticism and joy (Johnson, 2018). The more we respond to our spouses’ needs the more emotional security will be present in the relationship. The act of love-making itself can also strengthen marital relationships. Physiological research tells us that sex is a bonding activity, or in other words; when we are intimate with a spouse, we strengthen our bond with them (TED, 2015).
Most marriages begin with good intentions and start strong; they just need regular maintenance as cars do. Application of these principles can be simple; add an element of spirituality and discuss it; attend church, pray separately and together, meditate or connect spiritually in some way and talk about it together. Take the time to care for your spouse’s needs; being emotionally present and truly caring for one another through small acts of service, checking in with one another, or just spending real time together without distraction can greatly increase emotional connection. Let them know you are there and really be there. Be someone your spouse can rely on. Finally, be intentional about your sexual relationship and take the time to be present and connect emotionally with one another. Remove the distractions in your lives and be mindful of your own feelings and sensations as well as those of your spouse during the love-making process. Above all, explore these three elements of your relationship together and work together to strengthen the relationship as a whole.
Marriages need strengthening and simple steps can accomplish that goal. Just like a car, if you fill it with gas, check the coolant, and change the oil every few thousand miles, it will keep running and running without any need to go buy a new one. If we want a marriage to be “til death do us part”, it’s up to us to keep ours running through routine and careful maintenance.
Choose one of the three core dimensions of marriage (spiritual, emotional, or physical) to tune up this week.
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.
Butler, M. H., Stout, J. A., & Gardner, B. C. (2002). Prayer as a conflict resolution ritual: Clinical implications of religious couples report of relationship softening, healing perspective, and change responsibility. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 30(1), 19–37. https://doi.org/ 10.1080/019261802753455624
David, P., & Stafford, L. (2013). A relational approach to religion and spirituality in marriage. Journal of Family Issues, 36(2), 232–249. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513×13485922
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
McGill, J., Alder-Baedaer, F., & Rodriguez, P. (2016). Mindfully in love: A meta-analysis of the association between mindfulness and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Human Sciences and Extension, 4(1), 89–101.
Popenoe, D., Elshtain, J. B., & Blankenhorn, D. (1996). Values, attitudes, and the state of American marriage. Promises to keep: decline and renewal of marriage in America. (pp. 28) Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.
Sanchez, D. T., & Kiefer, A. K. (2007). Body concerns in and out of the bedroom: Implications for sexual pleasure and problems. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36(6), 808–820. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-007-9205-0
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
Written by Katrina Hill of Brigham Young University
Part of being human is experiencing a full range of emotions- from elation to discouragement to frustration. Another part of the human experience is facing our own flaws and the flaws of others. Because no one is perfect and everyone has feelings, sometimes we clash and sometimes we get hurt. This can happen in marriages as well, because of how much time spouses spend together and how many joint decisions they make. Flare-ups occur, and conversations can sometimes take an angry turn. But is this always negative? What is the role of anger in marriage and can it be used constructively?
To address this question, it’s helpful to understand that anger’s biological purpose is to protect the wellbeing of the individual feeling it—not only physically, but also their emotional and psychological wellbeing.In order to fulfill that purpose, anger alerts the individual that something is wrong or not ideal in the relationship, and that it needs to be addressed and corrected (Butler et al., 2017).
Resisting the Urge to Attack
Anger is biologically a hostile emotion, so the natural response when we feel anger is to attack our partner, who has hurt or offended us in some way, in order to defend ourselves (Butler et al., 2017). This tendency can be problematic. Though there are several characteristics in couples that can be associated with divorce, well-respected marriage researcher, John Gottman identified one that is particularly damaging: contempt. Contempt is an angry response that shows hostility, disrespect, and meanness towards one’s partner (Lisitsa, 2018).
Gottman (1993) also clarified that couples expressing anger itself did not necessarily predict the end of the relationship—in other words, getting mad is not nearly as harmful as being mean. However, when we are angry, we often end up being mean too. Even so, as unnatural as it may feel, if we want our relationships to thrive, it is important to learn to express our anger without the hostility and attacking.
What’s the big deal about expressing anger the right way? Even if couples are never extremely mean and contemptuous, consistent patterns of expressing anger negatively still affect marital happiness. Responding to negativity with more negativity (e.g., sarcasm), makes it harder for either partner stop to respond and to repair hurt feelings. Increased physiological arousal during conflict, including higher blood pressure and adrenaline hormone levels, has also resulted in increased marital unhappiness (Gottman, 1998). This means that more conflict-derived, anger-caused physiological stress leads to unhappier marriages.
Anger in its raw, unchecked form can ravage like a wildfire and leave destruction in its wake. In contrast, anger in its constructive form is like a flame from a candle— it can illuminate our inner, more vulnerable feelings and light the way to healing, empathy, accountability, and change. It is still fire, but it is very different from the kind of fire that can burn down all that we hold dear. This concept of constructive anger has been described as “. . .authenticity with kindness. . .affirmative and assertive, yet remarkably softened” (Meloy-Miller et al., 2018, p. 44).
When our partner angers us, we can choose to see it as an opportunity to firmly yet kindly express how we feel about what they did and what we’d like to see change. If feelings are heard and changes made, the expression of anger actually helps couples grow closer and improve as individuals (Butler et al., 2017). On the other hand, if a serious offense has occurred and the hurt partner does not express their feelings or invite the offending partner to be accountable—the relationship can stagnate.
In order to express constructive anger, we have to choose honesty over hostility. However, it is easy to fall into the trap of using honesty as an excuse to be mean and put our partner down (Fremont-Smith, 2020).We can easily say that we are being honest when we are being mean to our partner. That’s how we feel, isn’t it, so why not say it like it is?
In reality, honesty requires us to take a moment to cool down and identify what is going on deeper inside us (Fremont-Smith, 2020; Meneses & Greenberg, 2012).Why is there anger arising, or in other words, what more sensitive feelings are we instinctively trying to protect? Is a part of us feeling hurt, let down, embarrassed, sad, scared, lonely, unworthy or disrespected? Remember, anger is biologically designed to protect us (Butler et al., 2017), so it often arises to cocoon something vulnerable, like an animal instinctively protecting her young.Though it may feel difficult, identifying and expressing those vulnerable feelings to our partner is a key step in expressing anger in a constructive way.
We also have to be willing to let our partner know what they did to elicit the anger and other more vulnerable feelings. The goal of this step is to encourage accountability, not to blame, which leads to defensiveness (Meneses & Greenberg, 2012). It may be easier to lash out rather than to be open about our thoughts and feelings, but getting vicious in self-defense makes the situation worse (Gottman, 1998).
Work Together Towards Change
When we experience anger it often brings to light changes that need to be made in our relationship. Therefore, another key step is a request or invitation to our partner to change or to participate in discussing possible adjustments (Fremont-Smith, 2020). While compromise is the goal, sometimes our partner may not be willing to make changes, which can lead to major relational consequences depending on the seriousness of the issue (Butler et al., 2017). Even if this is the case, expressing constructive anger still helps us reduce rumination, stress, and desires to retaliate (Butler et al., 2017).
When we express constructive anger, it may be helpful to include affirmations of both our own and our partners’ worth. This helps both partners remember that they did not deserve to be hurt, and that their partner who hurt/offended them is a person of value who does not deserve to be belittled (Butler et al., 2017; Meloy-Miller et al, 2018).
Let’s take two examples. Imagine for a moment that you walk in on a couple in the middle of a heated argument:
“Do you even know how a budget works, or is our situation just a joke to you? I have been trying so hard to follow it, and then you come in and blow all it all on who knows what!”
“Yeah, blame me, because I’m the one who got into all that debt before we met! You know what, now you know exactly how I felt when I found that out!”
Now let’s hear an exchange about the same issue, but with the first partner expressing his or her anger constructively, incorporating the four key elements listed above.
“Hey, honey, I noticed today that you’ve been spending way more money than we agreed on. I’m pretty disappointed that you disregarded our budget, and I’m scared that if you do this more, we’ll go into more debt. I’m grateful for you in so many ways and I’m glad we’re in this together, however, I don’t deserve and frankly can’t handle being put through this kind of stress. Can we talk about what happened and how we can keep it from happening again?”
“Oh, yeah, about that. . . I thought it would be worth it at the time, but then I regretted it. I’ve been struggling emotionally the last several days. . . I guess that’s just what I did to cope. I’ve been too embarrassed to say anything. . . I’m sorry.”
The partner expressing anger has not in any way shied away from the fact that something is wrong and needs to be fixed, but they have refrained from being mean. In fact, they were kind. And now, not only are the financial issues being addressed, but the other partner’s needs can also be addressed, whereas otherwise they might not have been (Meneses & Greenberg, 2012).
Though we may often want to make it clear to our partner that we are upset at them by making jabs at them, a more effective approach is to plainly yet gently tell them how we feel and ask for change. Love may be a battlefield, but whether couples fight alongside or against each other depends in part on how they understand and express anger in their partnership.
Start small by focusing on the first step of identifying your anger. This week, in a time when you feel angry, pause, and say out loud, “I am angry right now.” Try to identify two other emotions that you are also feeling (because anger is more of a secondary emotion, it is likely that you are experiencing other “softer” feelings such as sadness or fear simultaneously). Then, take ten deep breaths. Practicing labeling your feelings will make it easier to express them to your partner.
References
Butler, M. H., Meloy-Miller, K. C., Seedall, R. B., & Dicus, J. L. (2017). Anger can help: A transactional model and three pathways of the experience and expression of anger. Family Process, 57(3), 817–835.https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12311
Meloy-Miller, K. C., Butler, M. H., Seedall, R. B., & Spencer, T. J. (2018). Anger can help: Clinical representation of three pathways of anger. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(1), 44–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2018.1428130
Meneses, C. W., & Greenberg, L. S. (2012). Interpersonal forgiveness in emotionfocused couples’ therapy: Relating process to outcome. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 40(1), 49–67 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00330.x
Katrina Hill is a senior at Brigham Young University studying Family Life. She is from Sacramento, California and loves being the older sister to her two awesome brothers. She loves music and has been playing the piano since she was six. She also loves learning, laughing, helping people, and trying to become better. After Katrina graduates from BYU in April, she hopes to pursue a masters degree in Social Work.
Has your partner ever done something that reminded you of a bad experience from a past relationship?
I can probably guess the rest of the story. You felt your nervous system kick in. You put your walls back up. Your partner got confused. You didn’t know how to talk about it. You both went to bed upset.
I know this story too.
We all have emotional baggage, whether it’s from our parents or romantic relationships. Negative experiences in past relationships can really mess us up.
Relationship researchers have a consensus that most people with negative past relationship experiences fear that they will never feel close enough to their new partner while simultaneously fearing getting too close in the same relationship.
How interesting is it that what we desire most (emotional closeness) we also fear the most?
This fear comes from those negative relationship experiences. In my interpretation, the fear of vulnerability is born of a broken heart.
We create core issues from negative relationship experiences. Core issues can be fears, insecurities, unhealthy expectations, assumptions, trauma, unmet needs, or betrayed values.
At the beginning of my relationship with my husband, we argued almost every day thanks to my fragile ego and his limited experience with healthy love. It took time for us to work through our core issues which, surprise surprise, had nothing to do with each other and everything to do with our own emotional baggage. All of our arguments were rooted in the fact that I had a laundry list of insecurities shaped by my past and my husband kept getting triggered by his relationship trauma.
So if you’re feeling fragile, you’re not alone. Let’s talk about what we can do with that heavy baggage you’re carrying.
5 Tips to Not Let Past Relationships Affect New Ones
Realistically, unresolved wounds from past relationships just take time to heal. We can’t make them disappear at the snap of our fingers, but here’s how we can get started:
1. Acknowledge your contribution to failed relationships
Be curious about the past. There are two sides to every story. Recognize your past toxic behaviors.
What behaviors of yours seem to be a pattern in your relationships?
What things did you do in your past relationships that you don’t want to repeat?
Become an observer. Objectively, was your partner’s behavior mean-spirited?
What behavior or comment specifically started up your nervous system?
How can you process this trigger in a healthier way?
3. Get to your core issues
Reflect on your trigger. Was it shaped from a past relationship?
Reflect on your pain. Why did it hurt so much?
Reflect on your resentment. Which of your values did their/your behavior go against?
Reflect on your fear. What are you really afraid of?
Therapy is an awesome tool for this. Therapists can teach you the right questions to ask yourself and guide you down a path of self-awareness and self-reflection.
4. Learn what a healthy relationship can look like
We consciously and subconsciously allow our past relationships to shape our expectations for new ones. We start accepting unhealthy behaviors or we start expecting perfection from ourselves and our partner. We can combat this by:
Regularly seeking out relationship education opportunities
Research shows that couples who learn healthy relationship expectations and skills are less likely to divorce and have higher marital satisfaction
Regularly challenge your expectations. Are they healthy? Are they realistic?
Ask yourself, “What kind of love do my partner and I deserve?”
Very important! Your partner should not be your replacement for a therapist. If you feel like you’re putting that pressure on your partner, see a therapist!
These tips can change the trajectory of your relationship. Here’s how:
A conversation without using one of the 5 tips
Your partner walks in the room and becomes “overly loving” with you, in your definition. They’re complimenting you, hugging and kissing you. Your first thought is, “What are they keeping from me?”. You suddenly feel sad, hurt, and even angry. You push your partner away and roll your eyes.
They ask you what’s wrong. You don’t know what to say, you just feel overwhelmed. Instead you say “Is there something you want to tell me?”. They say, “No, why?”. You don’t believe them, and it’s downhill from there.
But here’s how it would go using tips 2 and 4:
Your partner walks in the room and tells you that you look amazing. They give you a hug and kiss. You think, “I feel like they’re keeping something from me”, but you don’t react to the thought. You smile and say thanks.
They turn on the TV and you start thinking “Why did I get skeptical when my partner was being loving toward me? Have they given me a reason to mistrust them? No. Is there an experience from my past that has given me a reason to mistrust someone who shows me love? Yes, but I’m not in that relationship anymore. I’m safe. In healthy relationships, partners are loving toward each other. That was normal behavior. I’m safe.”
I know, this makes it look easy. It’s not as simple when it’s you! Healthy partners challenge their beliefs and own up to their unhealthy behaviors.
But you can do this. You know how I know? You read this far, and that means you care.
Healthy relationships aren’t perfect, they’re just committed to creating healthy love, just like you. Challenge your beliefs, own up to your unhealthy behaviors, and confront those relationship wounds head on.
This week, write in your journal when you react to a trigger. Write down what triggered you, how it made you feel, what past experience(s) may have formed this trigger, and brainstorm healthier ways you can respond next time it comes up.
References
American Psychological Association. (2004, October 8). Marital Education Programs Help Keep Couples Together. Retrieved December 15, 2020, from https://www.apa.org/research/action/marital
Camilla Rees is the founder of The Love Brain blog and podcast and a program director for the non-profit organization, the Utah Marriage Commission. After earning a degree in Marriage and Family Relationships from BYU, Camilla has committed herself to providing meaningful knowledge about healthy relationships to as many couples as she can possibly reach. Camilla lives in Utah and enjoys spending time with her husband, Sabe, baby girl, Janie, and little dog, Bowie.
After almost six years of cancer treatments that were followed by stretches of remission that we were told would never come, the fact that my dad was in the hospital again wasn’t too overwhelming. He had bounced back before, and I figured that he would continue to do so far into the future. As a result, my mom’s text requesting that I come to the hospital on that calm, warm night in early June wasn’t too disturbing—until I arrived and saw all of my siblings in the parking lot. Evidently, they’d received the same message.
We made our way silently to the “end-of-life” floor, where the walls were painted a serene blue and the nurses watched solemnly as we passed. Once we had assembled as a family in the hospital room, my parents explained that the doctors had finally run out of options—giving our ever-resilient, 45-year-old dad only a few weeks to live.
Photo courtesy of the author
It was a unique experience to be able to spend my dad’s last days at home, surrounding the recliner that had been brought into my parents’ bedroom where we tried to help him be as comfortable as possible. Though the next two weeks were difficult and we didn’t know when the end would come, we stayed in that room for the better part of every day, eating popsicles, playing card games, and reflecting on every good family memory we could conjure up to distract us from concentrating on the tubes coming out of my dad’s body and his flagging strength.
Parents are influential people in a child’s life (Gross, 2016). They often provide safety, emotional and financial support, and teach important, life-lasting values to their children (Wentzel,1998). My dad was there for me and exemplified everything a good man is. He provided me with a model of what I should look for in any guy who might come into my life. He had a way of keeping each of his children safe and feeling secure, and he taught me through his example about respect, hard work, and trust.
Because of the incredible influence my father had on my life, his passing was especially painful. In fact, losing a loved one to death is considered one of the most stressful events an individual can experience (Koocher, 1986). Today, about 4% of children and adolescents lose a parent (Melhem, Porta, Shamseddeen, Payne, & Brent, 2011), and as my five siblings and I ranged from 14-21 years old at the time, we quickly became part of that statistic. The late teens and early twenties can be the most transformative years of an individual’s life, and if a parent passes during this crucial period, perception of self and support throughout life will likely significantly change (Wagner, 2016).
Many have offered suggestions for those trying to cope with the death of a parent while in their childhood and teen years (Stordahl, 2017). Although the coping techniques young people choose can vary, the bereaved typically end up defining the loss as part of their identity (Koblenz, 2016). The reality is that through many years, the grief comes and goes, and then comes again. However, adapting to life’s challenges can have a positive side and be strengthening. Each trial can be another badge on the “life is hard” achievement sash, another aspect of one’s identity.
How to Cope With the Loss
I found the following three coping strategies to be especially helpful after my own father’s death and feel they may be valuable for others who are dealing with loss:
Don’t Be Afraid to Tell Someone What You Need
The temptation after experiencing a parent’s death is to huddle down inside your own world, to try to be “strong,” and to refuse help. Coping, grieving, and healing will go more smoothly if you can get what you need to make it through the process.
The people around you generally want to help but may not know how. I came to understand that I needed to tell them. Since this was the time I needed people the most, this was also the time that I needed to allow them into my life, and be honest about what I needed from them. If someone texted me asking if they could do anything, I responded. I found that often the simple things were the most helpful and bonding, like asking a friend to just sit silently in a park with me and feel the wind blow across our faces.
Don’t blame those around you if they don’t understand how to act or what to say. It may feel easy, or that you have a perfect excuse to draw the curtains and cancel all plans, but everyone’s grieving experience is different and shutting people out will just confuse those who want to help you. You can let people know that you need space while still nurturing and valuing the space that their friendship has occupied in your life until this point.
After that night when I was told that my dad was dying, I didn’t feel like talking to anyone about anything. Unfortunately, I was turning nineteen in a few days, and there were plans that would have to be cancelled so I could stay home with my family. Some of my friends didn’t even know my dad had cancer, and now I would have to tell them that things were cancelled because he was dying. These were difficult and awkward conversations to have, but once they knew, my friends didn’t have to be confused if I was a little “absent.” They knew that I valued our friendship enough to not keep them in the dark about my struggles.
Take Comfort from the Parts of Life that are Predictable
In reaction to the unpredictable event of my dad’s death, I began to crave parts of life that were predictable. The sun still rose and set every morning and night, I still needed to brush my teeth every day, and the dog still had to be fed. These routines had no special meaning tied to them, but I needed the consistency.
As a family, it was important for us to continue the routines that existed when my dad was alive. Working in the yard every Saturday morning as a family meant so much more to me because I knew my dad would’ve been right there with us if he were alive, in the same old hat and well-loved tennis shoes he always wore. He’d be asking one of us kids to help him hold up a piece of siding so he could nail it onto the shed he was building, racing against daylight to get as much done each week as he could. Keeping up with routines helped give me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, especially knowing my dad would be happy to see me working hard.
Now that all but my two little sisters have moved out of the house, I try to go over on a Saturday as often as I can to help my mom with the yard, attempting to keep it looking as good as he left it. It will always need work, and the continued routine helps keep the memories of wonderful bygone days fresh.
Ways That Friends Can Help
Even though I am one who has experienced parental loss, I still sometimes feel powerless when I see someone else grieving. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful as you reach out to comfort a friend who has experienced a loss:
Use Sensitivity in Offering Help
Asking, “How are you?” does not provide quality support that the bereaved need, they’re really not going to be “fine, thanks.” Instead, ask what you can do. My neighbor was sensitive in the way she worded her offers for help. She would text me and ask, “What do I need to leave on your porch that you feel like eating today?” She wouldn’t let me say that I was fine or deny her the opportunity to support me, but she also respected my need to be alone. She sensitively recognized that leaving things on the porch for now would help me feel a measure of comfort without the stress of maintaining a social presence or answering questions. She was consistent and kind—her offers were always about me and not about her feeling “less guilty” because she had reached out. Her sincerity spoke volumes.
Sympathy typically expires before grieving does (Koblenz, 2016), meaning that people will generously help in the beginning right after the loss, but the support often soon trails off, though the grief remains. Don’t stop bringing flowers or meals after the first week. Anyone can send a little gift with their condolences right after the tragedy happens, but you can be the person that can catch your loved one or friend in a darker time further down the road—just when they need it. The loss will still hurt 5, 10, or 15 years later.
Preserve Memories Through Maintaining Rituals
A friend can be helpful for those who need to remember what life was like before the loss. True friendship for someone who is grieving means carrying on the continued existence of gatherings and outings and doing what you can to help the bereaved feel comfortable during the activity. Remember the good times of the past while not being afraid to create new memories. Support your friend by maintaining the consistency that they need to feel normal, instead of “the one whose dad died.”
As in my case, family rituals—events that are repeated and have meaning—are a powerful tool for helping to soften parental loss. Though some family traditions will need to be adjusted to meet the constraints of the present, try to keep the sentimentality of the ritual, so as to preserve that part of “normal” family life that existed before the loss of the parent. Help those you know get up and go to the annual family Thanksgiving turkey bowl, make that special ham recipe, do the birthday lunch at your favorite restaurant with your best friend, or go to the traditional Christmas Day movie.
Since that June evening where I gathered with my family in the hospital and learned that my life would never be the same, I have grieved, boarded up my emotions, embraced my emotions, and then boarded them up again at times. It still hurts, but I am now more sensitive to how important the journey of grief is and how it can bring families together. Healing takes time and there is no reason to ever feel like you need to “get over” your loss (Cincotta-Eichenfield, n.d.). Do your best to stand by others and realize that life, love, and grief are all journeys—ones that can change us for good.
This week, choose a friend or family member who may need some extra love. Think about ways you might be able to help. Do they need a babysitter so they can have a few hours to themselves? Maybe a meal? Someone to listen to and just be with them? Decide on one specific thing you can do to help them that week, and then offer that help! If they tell you no, that is okay! The point is to practice being intentional and thoughtful about the way you show up for those you love.
Wentzel, K. R. (1998). Social relationships and motivation in middle school: The role of parents, teachers, and peers. Journal of Educational Psychology, 90(2), 202–209. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0663.90.2.202
Melhem, N., Porta, G., Shamseddeen, W., Payne, M. W., & Brent, D. (2011). Grief in children and adolescents bereaved by sudden parental death. Archives of General Psychiatry, 68, 911–919. https://doi.org/10.1001/archgenpsychiatry.2011.101
Wagner, D. M. (2016). Loss of a parent: A retrospective phenomenological exploration of lived experience (Order No. 10125515). ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (1796375581).
Haddie Todd Fry has lived in Washington, Colorado, and is currently living in Provo, Utah. Haddie is working on a degree in Family Life and Human Development. She works at a residential treatment center for autistic adolescents and enjoys learning about human relationships and behavior. Haddie is one of six children, and has been married to her husband Jacob for one year. Besides Jacob, her loves include her family, flowers, art, movies, sunshine, and rain.
“The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science.”
-Albert Einstein
Do you struggle with not knowing? Is it hard for you to embrace ambiguity? You’re not alone. Many of us experience this but have little awareness of why. It’s difficult because the most important questions in life don’t have exact answers. A+B does not equal C…it equates to everything and nothing. This is hard for us to fathom because most of us struggle with variability. Us analytical types prefer making the uncertain, certain. I used to try making life measurable, black and white, coherent, and standardized. But, as soon as I developed any definition, it would crumble at the next bend in the road. This article suggests embracing unknowability and describes topics to give an understanding of our enigmatic nature.
Imagination
Remember when you were a child? There was no limit to our wonder. The world really was your oyster. However, our transition to adulthood has a way of challenging us and, in time, our imagination became our worst enemy. This presents itself in the form of self-doubt, worst-case scenarios, and hopelessness. To undo this negative pattern we must practice positive thinking (Orkibi & Ram-Vlasov, 2019). This is why we’ve seen a movement in visualization, affirmations, and the power of intention. Such practices make our imagination work for us again.
Imagination is a mystery because no two minds are alike. This is the essence of creativity. In order to create, we must embrace the unknown and move beyond the senses. We all feel a desire to leave our mark on the world. While it’s not clear as to why we long for innovation, the relation to healthy living is certain. Studies show that creativity releases dopamine. This has a direct correlation to the reduction of “stress, anxiety, depression, and symptoms of PTSD” (Viswanath et. al, 2015). So, listen to your longing, and begin to wonder again.
What imagination and creativity can look like: reading fiction, daydreaming, writing stories, painting, playing or listening to music, dancing, making plans, inventing, drawing, cooking, brainstorming, not taking yourself too seriously, playing games, and much, much more.
Spirituality
Another mysterious part of life is spirituality. Across the world, most cultures engage in mystic practices. Studies show that those who engage in ethereal rituals and habits have lower rates of emotional and mental disorders (Yamada et. al, 2019). How can something so arbitrary have such big, even measurable effects on us? Because spiritual practices invite us to transcend our conditioning and lean into something greater. Dr. Brown said, “I don’t trust a theologian who dismisses the beauty of science or a scientist who doesn’t believe in the power of mystery” (Brown, 2015).
Spirituality isn’t meant to be measured, tested, or proven. This isn’t about right vs. wrong. Nor absolute truth. It’s about living well. It’s about finding meaning and feeling whole. Whatever your spiritual practices are, they will not be fully comprehended by others. Nor should they. Each individual is so different, unique, and complex that our spirits and intuition will always be a mystery.
What spirituality can look like: meditation, mindfulness, acting on gut feelings, genealogy work, service, yoga, religions, travel, mentors, enjoying nature, peace and quiet, reading sacred texts, and much, much more.
Perhaps the greatest puzzle of the human experience is our emotions. They come and go; never permanent. We cannot hold them in our hands or calculate “how much” is there. They do not follow exact patterns, and sometimes what we feel is irrational, confusing, or illogical. Nevertheless, they are real and remain. Feelings are completely subjective and complex. As dynamic individuals, we can experience several emotions at once (aka “mixed feelings”). And sometimes we feel the experiences of others without intention (Salcido, 2020). Without feelings, we would have no way of making meaning for our lives. Not to mention – emotionally expressive individuals show to have more satisfying relationships with themselves, others, and the world. Studies validate this idea and conclude that “emotions are an integral part of human life, which [we] cannot afford to ignore” (Bondi, 2005).
Emotion might be strange and ever-changing, but we know that it is the basis for connection. We might never fully understand ourselves or our feelings, but somehow we are all undeniably connected to each other through sentiment.
What feelings can look like: needing to cry for no reason, feeling angry without knowing why, laughing at something tragic or inappropriate (haha), feeling totally scared to do something but certain that it’s right for you, and much, much more.
We are all walking contradictions. We are all black sheep. The reality is many aspects of life are undefinable. In fact, I’d argue that the most impactful life events are rooted in mystery. Imagination, spirituality, and feelings are by no means a comprehensive list of possible life conundrums, but making time for these is a good start to embracing life. It is a vulnerable thing to leave room for the unpredictable, but essential to understanding our mysterious selves.
Take time this week to lean into mystery. Allow yourself to daydream. Allow yourself to make-believe. Pick up a new hobby you didn’t believe was possible. Allow yourself to believe in miracles and goodness. Listen to your emotions, and act on your gut feelings. Choose something for yourself or from the last part of each paragraph that you’d like to try this week.
References
Bondi, L. (2005). Making connections and thinking through emotions: between geography and psychotherapy. Transactions of the Institute of British Geographers, 30(4).433.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong (Unabridged.). New York: Random House Audio.
Orkibi, H., & Ram-Vlasvo, N. (2019). Linking trauma to posttraumatic growth and mental health through emotional and cognitive creativity. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, 13(4), 416-430. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1037/aca0000193
Viswanath, K., Reddy, K. J., & Reddy, S. V. (2015). Effect of mental health on creativity. Indian Journal of Health & Wellbeing, 6(11), 1109-1113.
Yamada, A.-M., Lukoff, D., Lim, C.S.F., & Mancuso, L. L. (2019). Integrating spirituality and mental health: Perspectives of adults receiving public mental health services in California. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1037/rel0000260.supp (Supplemental)
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
Choose one of the three core dimensions of marriage (spiritual, emotional, or physical) to tune up this week.
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
Camilla Rees is the founder of The Love Brain blog and podcast and a program director for the non-profit organization, the Utah Marriage Commission. After earning a degree in Marriage and Family Relationships from BYU, Camilla has committed herself to providing meaningful knowledge about healthy relationships to as many couples as she can possibly reach. Camilla lives in Utah and enjoys spending time with her husband, Sabe, baby girl, Janie, and little dog, Bowie.
Haddie Todd Fry has lived in Washington, Colorado, and is currently living in Provo, Utah. Haddie is working on a degree in Family Life and Human Development. She works at a residential treatment center for autistic adolescents and enjoys learning about human relationships and behavior. Haddie is one of six children, and has been married to her husband Jacob for one year. Besides Jacob, her loves include her family, flowers, art, movies, sunshine, and rain.
