How to Be An Emotion Coach For Your Child

Cover photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
This year especially, all of us have experienced a range of emotions, perhaps including but not limited to: anger, nervousness, fear, confusion, anxiety, discouragement, loneliness, and depression. If we as adults are experiencing these things, imagine what our children are experiencing.
Most children have some kind of normal routine. Last year they went to school every weekday. They had never been to a grocery store to find it bare, their neighborhoods and cities had not been vandalized, they had not been forced to stay inside and told they couldn’t visit beloved family members. Children who have been victims of domestic abuse and neglect no longer have the safety and solace that school provides. 
Children are being taught a different message than they were a year before: “It’s not safe.” And this is scary when we consider that children need to feel safe in order to develop secure attachment (among many other things). Many parents do the best they can to frame the events and information of the day as, “I love you, and so I’m going to keep you safe,” and therefore are able to be a secure base for their children, maintaining a healthy sense of security and warmth. This is wonderful!
No matter how we frame information, children are internalizing messages from parents, media, and the drastic changes in their lives. This year children have undergone major disruptions and changes, and while research shows us that children are incredibly resilient, we don’t know how these changes will affect the mental health and development of children long-term. 
I don’t want to scare you. But what I do want to point out is that, like us, children experience emotions. And those emotions, even if “negative” emotions, are good and important. Just like us, children experience anxiety, depression, fear, anger, confusion, loneliness, and so on. It is of critical importance that we respond to their feelings appropriately and coach them through these tough emotions.
pexels-august-de-richelieu-4261261
Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels
John Gottman wrote a great book called, “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child”, and I want to share a few tidbits of that book with you to help you be an Emotion Coach for your child – or, in other words, to help your child become emotionally intelligent. 

Emotional Intelligence

First, it’s important to understand what emotional intelligence is. Emotional intelligence is essentially the ability to identify, understand, and process your emotions in a way that makes you more resilient on the other side. Emotional intelligence is NOT pushing through your emotions quickly or dissociating from them. It’s about understanding your experience, embracing it, and working through it effectively, and with a growth mindset. “Even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life including family relationships.”
Emotionally intelligent children are better able to control their impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, read other social cues accurately, and cope with life’s ups and downs. Additionally, children whose parents are emotion coaches have better physical health, higher academic scores, get along with their friends better, and are able to self-soothe.
eye-for-ebony-zQQ6Y5_RtHE-unsplash
Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

How To Be An Emotion Coach

Emotion coaches don’t object to a child’s display of anger, sadness or fear, nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life. They use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching children important life lessons and building closer relationships with them. 
Parents who invalidate and/or discount children’s feelings can cause children to doubt themselves and not trust their instincts. Emotional coaching requires empathy, good listening skills, selflessness, and the ability to put oneself in the child’s shoes. Emotional coaching parents serve as their children’s guides through the world of emotion. They go beyond acceptance to set limits on inappropriate behavior and teach their kids how to regulate their feelings, find appropriate outlets, and solve problems….emotional coaching parents have a strong awareness of their own emotions and those of their loved ones. In addition, they recognize that all emotions, even those we generally consider negative, such as sadness, anger, and fear can serve useful purposes in our lives.”
pexels-ba-phi-1361766 (1)
Photo by Ba Phi from Pexels
Emotion coaches do five things:
1. Become aware of your child’s emotions.
Emotional awareness simply means that you are able to recognize emotions in yourself and in those around you. To recognize emotions in your children, you must recognize emotions in yourself. When we observe our children experiencing emotions, even negative emotions, we do not dismiss those emotions or respond with disapproval. Emotional awareness leads to empathy and our next step.
2. Recognize emotion as an opportunity for teaching and intimacy
When we recognize that emotional expression gives way to the opportunity for connection and learning, we deepen our relationship. Talking to children about what they are feeling gives us the opportunity to teach them to understand their own emotions, teach them about the world around them, and build trust.
pexels-elly-fairytale-3893532
Photo by Elly Fairytale from Pexels
3. Listen, empathize and validate
We all need people who are willing to listen, empathize, and validate – our children are no different. One of the hard things around this one is refraining from dismissing, disapproving, or even trying to rescue our kids from their problems.
4. Help children learn to label emotions
As children talk about their experiences and express needs, we can help them identify what they are feeling. It is important to help them label their experiences, instead of labeling their emotions for them. This is not a time to rescue our children from their emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry, hurt, nervous, discouraged, confused, etc. Accepting that these negative experiences are a natural part of life actually helps our children build resilience and confidence. Dismissing or disapproving of negative emotions can, even unintentionally, teach our children that they are alone in their emotions, bad for having those feelings, that they cannot trust their instincts, or that something is wrong with them. But labeling their emotions helps them eventually process how to work through them.
pexels-josh-willink-1157394 (1)
Photo by Josh Willink from Pexels
5. Set limits while exploring strategies
Boundaries and discipline are still an important part of parenting, even for emotional coaches. For example, we absolutely have the right to be angry, but we don’t have the right to throw our toys at people. Here’s where we really get to connect and teach our children. We take it a step further by helping our children explore solutions to their problems. Again, we do not rescue children. We hold them accountable for their mistakes, and empower them to find solutions. We act as their coach in this growth process. “When we seek to understand our children’s experience, they feel supported. They know we’re on their side. When we refrain from criticizing them, discounting their feelings, or trying to distract them from their goals, they let us into their world. They tell us how they feel. They offer their opinions. Their motivations feel less mysterious which in turn leads to further understanding. Our children begin to trust us. Then when conflicts crop up we’ve got some common ground for solving problems together. Our kids may even risk brainstorming solutions with us. Indeed the day may come when they are actually willing to hear our suggestions.”
While important, understand that emotion coaching is not a cure-all. Conflict is normal and discipline is important. Emotional coaching is about closeness, capability, and engagement, not removing conflict or the need for boundaries. 
Personal Practice 1
This week, take advantage of opportunities to practice being an emotion coach for your child(ren).

References

Esmaeelzadehazad, S., Valadi, S., & Gabbard, C. (2021). The impact of maternal emotional intelligence on young children’s motor development. European Journal of Developmental Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17405629.2021.1918094
Gottman, J. M., Declaire, J., & Goleman, D. (2015). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Li, D., & Shi, J. (2021). Fluid intelligence, trait emotional intelligence and academic performance in children with different intellectual levels. High Ability Studies32(1), 51–69. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/13598139.2019.1694493
Persich, M. R., Smith, R., Cloonan, S. A., Woods, L. R., Strong, M., & Killgore, W. D. S. (2021). Emotional intelligence training as a protective factor for mental health during the COVID‐19 pandemic. Depression and Anxiety38(10), 1018–1025. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/da.23202

 

 


4B3A0588edit

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Continue Reading

3 Habits to Develop for Responding to Stressful Situations

Written by Allie Barnes
One day last fall, I was hanging out with a friend all day. We were driving around running errands and by the end of the day we were at HIS house in Salt Lake City but with MY car. HIS car was 40 minutes south at MY house in Provo. The plan was to drive back to my house together and he would drive his car home from there.
Forty minutes later we pulled into my driveway and he suddenly realized that he had left his car keys at his house—forty minutes north, where we had just come from.
beautiful-female-girl-249613
Photo from pexels.com
“Dang it!” he said, as his head dropped back against the headrest. He was silent for a moment then said, “Just give me 10 seconds.” During those 10 seconds, he groaned and expressed anger and frustration—the most frustrated I had ever seen him. Then with an exhale he said, “Okay, let’s head back up.”
We turned up the music, took a detour to pick up desserts and sodas, and made the most of our trip back to Salt Lake City. And then, back down to Provo.
What was supposed to take 40 minutes took close to two hours, but we made the most of it. That night ended up being one of my favorite memories with him.
This friend of mine had been through some really hard things in his life and, as a result, had learned how to keep things in perspective. That included recognizing what things didn’t really matter in the long run, and knowing how to process them and move forward quickly. I’ve thought a lot since then about how to develop such skills, and here is what I’ve come up with:
  1. Give a Fudge About Less
  2. Go From “Reacting” to “Responding”
  3. Account for the People Factor

Give a Fudge About Less

“The key to a good life is not giving a [fudge]* about more; it’s giving a [fudge] about less, giving a [fudge] about only what is true and immediate and important.” – Mark Manson, p. 5
*Sorry, Mark Manson— I edited your quote for this family-friendly audience. 
I have to remind myself almost daily that most things really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Those car keys from the story earlier? Yes, it was frustrating, and it was perfectly healthy to get out that initial frustration. However, having to drive back home for a forgotten item really didn’t matter.
gray and black Suzuki car fob on black surface
Photo by Syed Hussaini on Unsplash
Think about your week so far. Can you think of a moment when you reacted poorly to a stressful situation? Notice your shoulders right noware they high up by your ears, or rolled back and relaxed? Some stress is very understandable and valid, but I would guess that even the heaviest stressors aren’t worth holding onto like we (or I) often do.
We can approach stressful situations in a healthier way by moving from an impulsive reaction to a mindful response.

Go From “Reacting” to “Responding”

“It is normal to react and respond to our environment,” says Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More. “Reacting is part of life. It’s part of interacting, and it’s part of being alive and human. But we allow ourselves to get so upset, and so distracted. Little things, big things—anything—have the power to throw us off the track. And the way we respond after we react is frequently not in our best interests.”
This is where I’d pause and suggest that “reacting” and “responding” are two different things. I view “reacting” as that initial charge of emotions that Beattie is describing—becoming upset and distracted, focusing solely on that frustration. I view “responding” as what Beattie gets to in Step 4 below: handling the situation from a peaceful state of mind.
Beattie continues to share the internal chaos that can result—and become the norm—when we live in a constant state of “reacting”: “When we react we forfeit our personal, God-given power to think, feel, and behave in our best interests. We allow others to determine when we will be happy; when we will be peaceful; when we will be upset; and what we will say, do, think, and feel. We forfeit our right to feel peaceful at the whim of our environments. We are like a wisp of paper in a thunderstorm, blown about by every wind” (p. 66).
adult-backlit-dawn-775417
Photo from pexels.com
Beattie’s recommendations?
  1. Learn to recognize when you’re reacting to a stressor.
  2. Calm down.
  3. Analyze what really happened.
  4. Decide how to best handle the situation from this more peaceful state.
Handling the situation in a healthy, peaceful manner may mean letting things go that don’t really matter, apologizing, offering forgiveness, or remedying the situation in another way. In the car key situation, it meant processing and letting go of frustration, then making the best of the change of plans.
(Beattie expounds on these recommendations on pages 70-72 of her book Codependent No More).
How many things feel so heavy but don’t really need to? How many things will really matter 10 years from now? Using these steps to process situations will help you move from reacting to responding, and help you develop a more realistic perspective of the situations you encounter.

Account for the People Factor

Car keys are one thing, but oftentimes situations involving people we love can be much more tricky—and frustrating and painful—to get over. It’s not just feeling strong feelings about car keys—it’s feeling strong feelings about someone we care about.
The solution is in the problem: If we care about someone, we can choose to treat them in that way. This includes giving them the benefit of the doubt, forgiving more freely, and serving without thought of return. It still may not be easy, but it is a perspective worth applying. Remembering the care we feel toward someone not only heals that relationship, but develops the quality and character of our hearts.
adult-beautiful-brunette-1549280
Photo from pexels.com
Dr. C. Terry Warner, co-founder of the Arbinger Institute, expounds on this principle: “By seeing others suspiciously, accusingly, or fearfully, we become suspicious, accusing, or fearful ourselves. By no longer seeing them with care, delight, and generosity, we ourselves cease to be caring, delighted, and generous. The kind of people we are cannot be separated from how we interpret the world around us…. Who we are is how we are in relation to others” (p. 41).
While many conflicts occur with the people we care about the most, we also experience conflicts with people who we may really not care about at all. In that case, I’d note that we each are still responsible for how we act and feel toward others. As Warner said, “By no longer seeing [ANYONE] with care, delight, and generosity, we ourselves cease to be caring, delighted, and generous.” It isn’t easy to feel that level of care toward everyone, but it is definitely a worthy goal to work toward.
While you’re in the middle of processing whatever situation you are in the middle of, just don’t forget the most important factor: people.Conclusion
It can be incredibly difficult to keep a realistic perspective in the middle of a stressful situation—to change from reacting to mindfully responding to a situation, and to put less energy toward things that really don’t matter. It’s a habit that I’m continually working on improving. So, let’s improve together.
I leave you with another of my favorite quotes, one that says it all so well:
“Some things matter, most things don’t. A few things last, but most things won’t.” – Neill F. Marriott
Personal Practice 1This week, we’re breaking a habit! Instead of “reacting” impulsively to difficult situations, practice pausing and “responding.” Print out this free download for some reminders to post around your home or workspace, or create your own reminder. (Free download photos by Gary Barnes; designed by the author).

References

Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Center City, MN: Hazelden Foundation.
Manson, M. (2016). The subtle art of not giving a f*ck: A counterintuitive approach to living a good life. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers.
Marriott, N. F. (2017, November). Abiding in God and repairing the breach. Ensign. 
Warner, T. C. (2001). Bonds that make us free: Healing our relationships, coming to ourselves. Harrisonburg, VA: The Arbinger Institute.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!

 

 


Headshot 2020

Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Continue Reading