It hits when you expect it the least. It hits you walking past the baby aisle in the grocery store. It hits you driving past a cemetery. It hits when you look at photos. It hits you when a pregnancy announcement or engagement comes through on your social media feed. It hits you when the holidays come and you’re thousands of miles from family. It never really leaves, and it comes and goes.
What is Grief?
Grief is “the response to loss that contains thoughts, behaviors, emotions and physiological changes; if the loss is permanent so too is the grief, but it evolves and changes as a person adapts to the loss (The Center for Complicated Grief: Overview).” Grief, while including death, also includes any loss that one can experience. This includes losses such as miscarriage, infertility, graduating from school, relationships, moving somewhere new, and health complications, to name just a few.
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
The “Stages” of Grief
There are no real set-in-stone stages of grief. Many of us have been taught the most well-known model of the Five Stages of Grief, however, research has gone on to show that putting grief into so-called stages can actually be incredibly damaging because not everyone will go through these specific stages. Compartmentalizing grief can create an idea of grieving wrong or incorrectly (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017). So rather than talking about stages of grief, I’m going to talk about various principles of grief drawn from these so-called stages in the next section.
Grieving
The most important thing to remember about grieving is that everyone grieves differently (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017).No two people will grieve in exactly the same way. It’s okay to grieve for things and people that others may not. It’s okay to grieve in the way that works for you. And remember while you are grieving to not compare the way you grieve to the way other people grieve.
Grief comes with a variety of different emotions. The most common emotions associated with grief are shock and disbelief, sadness, guilt, anger, and fear (Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019). These emotions are normal to feel with grief and sometimes will reappear at different points throughout grieving. Some people will experience all of these emotions, some may only experience a few, and that is okay because we all grieve differently.
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash
Grief can lead to questioning our belief-systems and understanding about life and the world. When a person dies we often ask questions like, “Why did this happen to them?” or, “Why not someone else?” or, “They were such a good person why did they have to die?” These questions are often based on ideas or belief systems such as the just-world hypothesis (the idea that when we are a good person we should only have good things happen to us). When these core beliefs are betrayed by mortality, they can be called into question, and that is OKAY. It’s okay to question and wonder why. Some will try to bargain with their higher power as part of their questioning. (Feldman, 2017)
Grief may eventually lead to acceptance. Grief helps us to come to the point of accepting both what happened and the emotions surrounding the loss as real and valid. There is no rush whatsoever to get to the point of acceptance (Feldman, 2017) and we shouldn’t feel the need to get there in a hurry.
The last point I want to make about grieving comes a little from research and from my own experience. Most people get through the hard, strong, initial grieving within about six months (DePaulo, 2019) but it’s okay if it takes longer. The initial grieving is hard and consuming but it does get easier. I say “gets easier” rather than “goes away”, because in my own life experiences I have found that grief ebbs and flows. Some days, grief shows right up and sits with me for a while. Other days it presents itself in small moments, and other days it’s virtually non-existent.
Photo by J Waye Covington on Unsplash
Coping with Grief
Just like dealing with mental illness or a physical ailment, we have to cope with grief to live our everyday lives. Here are some ideas to help with grief:
Seek support from friends and family members
Find comfort in your faith (this can be religion or spirituality in general)
Write in a journal
Embrace your feelings
Take care of your physical health
Remind yourself that your grief is yours
(Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019)
Final Thoughts
Grief is hard and it’s recurring. But it’s also an opportunity to deal with loss in the most human way possible. Grief at times may be consuming but it also provides an old friend as we go through loss throughout our life. Give yourself permission to grieve even if it’s from something from years ago in your past. It’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to re-grieve. And remember your grief is your own. Everyone will grieve differently and that’s beautiful.
Option #1: Share your thoughts about grief in your journal or on social media
Option #2: Share this post to help others learn more about grief
Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Boerner, K. (2017). Cautioning Health-Care Professionals. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 74(4), 455–473. doi: 10.1177/0030222817691870
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
There are a lot of opinions out there about singleness. From books, to movies, to research, to your parents; if you’re a single person, or have ever been a single person, you’ve been there (or are there), wading through a myriad of self-doubt and endless conversations with your friends about what the heck you’re doing wrong.
While it might be easier to write a long list of complaints and frustrations about dating and singlehood, it is my hope to offer some suggestions and guidance to make navigating the massive volcano of singleness a little bit easier. These are three areas that I work on remembering when the fears and frustrations about being single start to creep in.
1. Stop playing the comparison game.
We hear of the dangers of comparison all the time, but why exactly can it be so dangerous? One reason is that comparison is usually inaccurate. We often compare our worst moments to someone else’s best. We take someone else’s relationship at face value, rather than realizing that while romantic relationships can be an incredible well of happiness, being in one doesn’t automatically make it fulfilling or make one happy.
Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash
There are further dangers in playing the comparison game. In a study by Swallow and Kuiper (1988), they theorized that certain distorted views of the self may arise and be maintained by social comparison. They found evidence that social comparison, that is, using “social information to evaluate [one’s] own abilities and opinions,” can increase depressive symptoms in an individual.
It is especially easy in the current social climate to compare. An increase in the use and availability of social media can make it seem like everyone else is ahead of you, more attractive than you, happier than you, and more successful than you.
A few keys to beating the comparison game? Remind yourself that life isn’t a competition and that you aren’t seeing the whole picture. Work on practicing gratitude for your life and the beautiful things in it. If social media is really getting you down, make a goal to take a break from it for a while.
2. It’s okay to be sad.
Anyone who has talked with me at length knows that I am a big fan of letting yourself feel things. We weren’t made to be happy all the time. It’s such an unrealistic standard. Sometimes being single when we want to be in a relationship is really hard. We struggle and try and it seems fruitless. We see friends and family members get engaged and married and feel keenly the desire to have those same experiences. We want to love and to be loved. Those are worthy and healthy desires.
So, am here to tell you it’s okay to be sad about being single. It’s okay to feel frustrated with dating. It’s okay to think this article you’re reading is dumb and unhelpful. Letting ourselves feel what we feel without judgment, can help us move past those feelings and use them more productively.
Photo from pexels.com
A current form of therapy used by a variety of mental health professionals is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. The goal of ACT is not to eliminate difficult feelings, but to sit with them, and work with them. Accepting where you are, here and now, can be incredibly freeing. So, if you need to spend an evening with a bucket of ice-cream wondering why this is so hard, go for it, remembering that what matters at the end of the day is getting up and trying again tomorrow.
3. Romantic relationships aren’t the only ones worth having.
Society loves to put romantic relationships on a pedestal. They become the end all be all of movies, music, and television. Now, I love a good chick-flick every now and then. I also love LOVE. I am in no way disparaging the importance and benefits of romantic relationships and the levels of intimacy they can reach.
However, it’s easy to assume that the only kind of relationships worth having are romantic ones when that is goal of nearly every protagonist in pop-culture, and pop-culture loves to leave out all the hard, disappointing, and frustrating aspects of romantic relationships. Societal and cultural expectations also put a heavy emphasis on romantic relationships, which can add to the stress of being single.
Photo by Simon Maage on Unsplash
Fostering deep and abiding platonic friendships is so important to our overall happiness and wellbeing. Demir and Davidson (2013) found that friendship consistently correlated to happiness, but not just any kind of friendships will do. They postulated that friendships where there was a fulfillment of basic psychological needs, such as connectedness with, and feeling needed by others, were more positively related to happiness.
Developing and maintaining friendships where both parties feel appreciated, needed, and supported is available to us, regardless of romantic attachment. Reach out to the people you love, ask for help and support when you need it, and remember that you are not alone on your journey.
—
There are countless other aspects of being single I could continue to talk about, but I’ll leave you with a short anecdote.
Recently I was talking with a mentoring figure in my life whom I greatly respect. I was venting my frustrations with dating and expressing how hopeless finding a romantic partner can feel sometimes. As I finished expressing my concerns and fears, this wonderful mentor validated my frustrations and told me to never give up. But he wasn’t talking about never giving up on dating, he was telling me to never give up on myself. And that’s the message I’d like to leave with you, never give up on yourself. Wherever your dating journey takes you, I implore you to remember that your worth is not defined by the labels of single or taken.
Choose a non-romantic relationship to nurture and further develop this week.
References
Swallow, S. R., & Kuiper, N. A. (1988). Social comparison and negative self-evaluations: An application to depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 8(1), 55-76.
Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206.
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour research and therapy, 44(1), 1-25.
Demir, M., & Davidson, I. (2013). Toward a better understanding of the relationship between friendship and happiness: Perceived responses to capitalization attempts, feelings of mattering, and satisfaction of basic psychological needs in same-sex best friendships as predictors of happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 14(2), 525-550.
Kaitlin Rodgers graduated with her Bachelor of Science in Sociology with a Minor in Mental Health Advocacy and Awareness from Utah State University. She is incredibly passionate about mental health and has worked with the National Alliance on Mental Illness in various capacities. In her free time, she loves to climb trees, watch way too much Youtube, read books, listen to music, and have deep conversations with her friends and family. She hopes to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy to reach her goal of becoming a therapist. She lives in Logan, Utah where she works on enjoying her single life to the fullest extent until she finds her mister.
The first date, the first kiss, the first “I love you”… When you are searching for a romantic partner, it can be really easy to get lost in the moments that make up falling in love. There’s a reason why they say “love is blind”. With all of the rushing hormones that tend to make up the start of a new relationship, it’s no wonder that so many of us find ourselves in relationships with less-than-ideal partners time and time again! So, how do you prevent yourself from falling for someone that may not be good for you in the long run?
Here are four qualities that research has suggested are important to look for (and develop!) if your goal is to have a healthy and happy relationship.
1. Sense of Self
Having a strong sense of self is incredibly important when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy relationships. While Platonic philosophy (and Hollywood, for that matter) would have us believe that there is a perfect soulmate or “other half” for us somewhere out in the world, the reality is that relationships do not complete us (Van Epp, 2008). Healthy relationships consist of two whole people (as whole, of course, as we can be in our imperfect human world) coming together to create something bigger than just the two of them. Now, a strong sense of self does not mean that you have to know exactly what you want in life or how you will get there; many of us meet our partners when we are young, and still trying to get a handle on life! It does mean, however, that you have a pretty good idea of how you relate to the world – you have goals, values, and ideals, and you feel positively about who you are at your core. Having a strong sense of self sets you up for an equal partnership and a relationship between two whole people, confident in their ability to navigate and conquer life together.
Photo from pexels.com
2. Empathy
Empathy is a skill that helps in building trust, deepening connection, increasing understanding, and even resolving conflict. Studies have also found that empathy is positively related to overall relationship satisfaction (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010; Sened et al., 2017), and can help in decreasing depression (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010). When you are in a relationship for the long-haul, you want someone who is going to listen with love, and who will do their best to see things from your perspective, whether or not they agree. Practicing empathy for one another will really help you and your partner as you seek to support one another in your personal and couple goals and dreams, and as you face difficulties together (something that comes in every long-term relationship!).
3. Respects Boundaries
Boundaries create safety in relationships, and safety is critical in any stage of a relationship. In fact, you have to feel safe in order to experience real and meaningful connection! When our minds and bodies feel safe, it “enables us to collaborate, listen, empathize, and connect, as well as be creative, innovative, and bold in our thinking and ideas” (Boeder, 2017). A lack of physical safety (feeling safe from any form of physical danger, including abuse), emotional safety (feeling safe to be open with someone emotionally), or commitment safety (feeling safe in your relationship and trusting that your partner is committed to you) prevents growth in the relationship, and can even lead to serious pain or trauma. If you don’t feel safe with someone, you cannot be yourself around them. If your date or partner does not respect your boundaries, they are not worthy of your trust or your time.
Photo by Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash
4. Emotional Intelligence
Emotions are a part of every-day life, and, when it comes to feelings, relationships bring the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004), and is a trait that is positively associated with relationship satisfaction (Malouff, Schutte, & Thorsteinsson, 2013; Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013) as well as better mental health (Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013). Someone who is emotionally intelligent allows themselves to feel emotions that are both “positive” and “negative”, but doesn’t get stuck in these emotions forever. They have positive coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions, and they can also separate their own emotions from the emotions of those around them. Finding a partner who knows how to identify, express, and work through their emotions in a positive and productive way will be a major asset as you both navigate the ups and downs of life and committed relationships. Read more about emotional intelligence in relationships in other HHP articles here, here, and here.
But how can you REALLY tell?
These traits are not always easy to identify in everyone you meet, especially if you are just first getting to know someone. So how can you really tell if someone possesses these essential qualities? One answer is T+T+T: Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time (Van Epp, 2008). In general, the more time you spend with someone, the better you get to know them. However, time alone does not ensure a deep or real knowledge of who someone is at their core. The other two elements are key in knowing who someone really is. Make sure that when you are searching for a mate, you spend a significant amount of time together in a wide variety of situations, and that you are both sharing about yourselves in a way that is proportionate to the level of time and trust in your relationship.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The Golden Rule
Therapist and author Dr. John Van Epp says, “Being the best person you can be is the first step in building a healthy relationship” (Van Epp, 2008). You can’t expect to find a partner who has a strong sense of self, is empathetic, respects your boundaries, and has emotional intelligence if you yourself are not working on developing the same qualities! The good news is, these are traits you can LEARN and PRACTICE. You do not have to be perfect in each of these traits in order to make an eligible partner. However, actively working towards improving in each of these areas guarantees improvement in any of your relationships (not just your romantic ones), and ensures that you will be ready when the right partner who has also been working on developing themself comes along!
It’s important to develop in yourself traits that you would like to find in a mate! Choose one of these four traits you would like to work on developing in yourself, and set one or two goals to help you with this development.
Cramer, D., & Jowett, S. (2010). Perceived empathy, accurate empathy and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(3), 327–349. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509348384
Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Trait Emotional Intelligence and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 42(1), 53–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2012.748549
Sened, H., Lavidor, M., Lazarus, G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Rafaeli, E., & Ickes, W. (2017). Empathic accuracy and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 742–752. https://doi/10.1037/fam0000320
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Increasing Emotional Intelligence through Training: Current Status and Future Directions. The International Journal of Emotional Education 5(1), 56-72.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Having personal boundaries is key to ensuring relationships of any type are supportive, uplifting, and respectful. Boundaries help us maintain our own needs and help us stay in-tune with ourselves. We all need boundaries – they truly pave the way for us to be at peace and maintain healthy relationships.
What even are boundaries?
First thing’s first: A boundary is not a boundary if it is hurtful. Implementing boundaries can be awkward or uncomfortable at the beginning, but fundamentally, boundaries exist to help both the person setting the boundary and the person who is “receiving” the boundary.
Boundaries are usually physical and/or emotional limits that you don’t want others to cross. They typically help you recognize the amount of time, money, or energy you can afford to give to others. Essentially, boundaries can be anything you want them to be. I know, I know, that’s not very specific, but they vary by circumstance and are set to make you feel safe. “Generally, this sense of safety evolves from having an appropriate balance of closeness or distance in the relationship and also the extent to which people involved in the relationship have dual roles (e.g., therapist and friend)” (Lord, Summers, & Turnbull, 2004). Boundaries can exist in any type of relationship – a roommate, a parent/child, romantic partners, siblings, friends, coworkers, professional/client, and more!
When I was in college, I had a roommate with very severe anxiety and depression. They attempted suicide multiple times while we were living together – and we were the only two individuals in our apartment. I got to the point where I had severe anxiety going/being home because I was so worried about my roommate. I was one of only a couple of people that they socialized with, so I felt very responsible for their well-being and assisting in their mental health. With the guidance from a mentor, I set the boundary with my roommate that if they needed to talk about deep-specifics, they would have to turn to another individual. If they were feeling suicidal, I would immediately call the on-campus emergency hotline. I also encouraged them to find a therapist better able to meet their needs. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to love and support them, because I did, but to maintain our friendship and help both of our emotional states, I had to vocalize that boundary and why I needed it.
Graphic by @the.holistic.psychologist
How do I actually set a boundary?
“Establishing appropriate boundaries is a skill that requires a lot of thought and practice” (Cosio, 2014).
Here are some steps to get you started:
Be direct. Clear communication is the key to setting boundaries. As I mentioned before, it can be a little awkward to tell someone that you need space or they can’t borrow any more money from you. I would encourage you to write out your reasoning in order to best be able to explain what boundary you are setting and why.
Be assertive. Almost as difficult as setting a boundary is following through on a boundary that you’ve set. It can be easy to justify why you should make an exception “just this once” or that “this’ll be the last time,” but being flaky about your needs will leave you worse off than where you started.
Have support. If the boundary that you are setting has the potential to benefit more than you and the individual you’re making a boundary with, discuss it with them beforehand. The more ideas and ways to approach a situation you have, the better. Be sure that you have someone to turn to throughout all parts of the boundary-setting process.
Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash
Internal Boundaries
Healthy internal boundaries help you to not feel responsible for the actions and feelings of others. This is not to say that we shouldn’t be aware of those around us, rather, we should have the strength to make sure we aren’t absorbing or obsessing over other people’s problems. This can be really difficult! But setting internal boundaries can help you feel empowered to set external boundaries as well.
Note: It’s easy to feel guilt or shame when setting any kind of boundaries, but sometimes I find it harder to disappoint myself than others. This guilt should be faced head-on. Usually, it means that your boundary-setting is on the right track.
In this digital age, we are always connected. You can access your work email on vacation. Your husband can text you when you’re with a friend. These days, it’s hard to devote our time, energy, and resources to just one thing. But “creating healthy boundaries helps maintain work-life balance, promote resilience, and develop stronger coping strategies” (Holowaychuk 2018). It takes time and practice, but it is an important life skill to have.
Write a personal mission statement. What are you dedicated to? Even if you don’t feel like you have any boundaries to set, this can help you to evaluate whether or not worrying about others’ emotions and problems is holding you back from what you expect from your life.
References
Cook, J. L., Jones, R. M., & Vaterlaus, J. M. (2017). Drawing the line: An exploratory study of single college student perceptions of marital boundaries in opposite sex relationships. Marriage & Family Review, 53(2), 151–165. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01494929.2016.1186771
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
It’s no secret that test scores and grades don’t adequately convey a kid’s full intelligence. Intelligence comes in a wide variety of forms (ex. musical, logical, interpersonal, spatial, kinesthetic..etc.). An essential form of intelligence that is often overlooked is perhaps the most paramount to our child’s immediate and future success in life. I’m talking about emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004). And as it turns out, ‘raising the smartest kid on the block’ has less to do with our children’s talents and abilities and more to do with how we as parents respond to their emotions and foster healthy expression.
Responding to Our Kid’s Emotions
Renowned psychologist John Gottman explains there are four ways in which parents typically respond to their children’s emotions. Which parental response do you most identify with? You will likely relate to each response style at different times depending on the situation, location and the age of your child. Click here to learn more about the impact each response style has on children.
1. The Dismissive Parent feels out of control and uses distraction techniques rather than addressing the emotion; sees negative emotions as their own personal failure as a parent and will do just about anything to quickly change the child’s emotion to a positive one.
Ex. “If you stop yelling you can have this piece of candy.” or “Shhhhh! Stop crying! Do you want to watch a show on Mommy’s phone?”
2. The Disapproving Parent is overly concerned with discipline and how to ‘manage’ their child’s negative emotions without being concerned as to why the child is feeling the way they do. These parents are often judgmental, critical and controlling.
Ex. “Why are you so upset? This is not a big deal! You always do this right before we have to leave!”
3. The Laissez-Faire Parent waits for the child to ‘get over it’ and ride out their emotions with no guidance as to an appropriate way to express themselves; sets no limits on behavior and is extremely permissive.
Ex. “Cry it out. You’re fine.” or “You’ll get over it [allows child to continue doing whatever they are doing].”
4. The Emotion Coach sees negative emotions as an opportunity to teach problem-solving skills and empathize with their child. They set limits on behavior and help children find appropriate ways to express their emotions.
Photo from pexels.com
Becoming an Emotion Coach
It’s no surprise that the ‘emotion coach’ is the ideal response to best foster our children’s emotional IQ. If this hasn’t been modeled for you in your family of origin or doesn’t come naturally to you in moments of stress and frustration, be kind to yourself! It’s all about practice. Here are a few important steps to help you become the emotion coach your child needs.
Help child identify the emotion– It’s a valuable skill for our children to learn what emotions ‘look like’ so they can recognize it in themselves and others. Verbally explain the reasons why you can see they are feeling sad, frustrated, embarrassed…etc. Then of course, ask them to tell you about it. Even if you already know the answer, let them tell you in their own words. Ask why the child feels the way they do and then listen. Really listen.
Ex. “You look angry. I can see that your body is tense and your face is turning red. Why are you feeling angry?” or “You look kind of sad today. You’re hanging your head down and you don’t want to do any of your favorite things. Why are you feeling sad?”
Validate child’s feelings– It’s deeply important for us as adults to feel validated in our emotions and children are no different. They deserve the same compassion and understanding that we so often seek.
Ex. “I’m so sorry you feel sad. If my toy got broken I would feel really sad too.” or “I can see why this situation is so frustrating for you. How can I do things differently next time?”
Appropriate emotional expression– Accepting our children’s feelings does not mean accepting their behavior. It’s important to remind our children that just because they feel a certain way, doesn’t make it okay to.. hit, lie, yell, kick, say unkind things…etc. Help your child choose an appropriate emotional response and offer suggestions if they find it difficult. This can be a fun activity to do together! Make it a game by thinking of silly but practical ways to express themselves. Do they like yelling in their pillow or hitting the couch cushions? How about running around the house or yelling outside? Emotional expression is unique and doesn’t need to be conventional.
Ex. “I understand that you are/were angry. But yelling and hitting is not okay. How else can you show your frustration next time?” or “Something that helps me feel better when I’m frustrated is to take a few minutes to be alone or take deep breaths.” or “Have you tried dancing crazy to your favorite song? I know it sounds silly but it helps me remember that I won’t feel frustrated forever.”
Be your child’s emotional role model – The best way to help your child navigate their own emotions is to develop your own emotional intelligence! How do you respond to feelings of sadness, anger or guilt? What can you do differently today? The more comfortable you are with expressing your feelings, the more comfortable you will be as you teach your children to do the same. Utilize your mistakes as a tool to teach your children that you’re working on expressing yourself too.
Ex. “I was feeling really frustrated today but that didn’t make it okay to raise my voice. I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?”
Photo from pexels.com
Parents who choose to become an emotion coach will cultivate children with higher self-esteem, higher achievement, better impulse control and delayed gratification. Their children will get along well with others, require less disciplineand even have fewer infectious illness (Gottman, 1998). The benefits are endless! As we strive to become the emotion coach our kids need, our children will be able to better recognize and express their emotions and truly be the smartest kid on the block.
Think of a recurring situation when your child struggles to express their emotions in an appropriate way and plan how you can be a good emotional coach the next time it happens.
References
Eloranta, S. J., Kaltiala, R., Lindberg, N., Kaivosoja, M., & Peltonen, K. (2020). Validating measurement tools for mentalization, emotion regulation difficulties and identity diffusion among finnish adolescents. Nordic Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/19012276.2020.1863852
Gottman, J. & DeClaire, J. (1998). Raising an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Yule, K., Murphy, C., & Grych, J. (2020). Adaptive functioning in high-risk preschoolers: Caregiver practices beyond parental warmth. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 29(1), 115–127. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10826-019-01660-w
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Option #1: Share your thoughts about grief in your journal or on social media
Kaitlin Rodgers graduated with her Bachelor of Science in Sociology with a Minor in Mental Health Advocacy and Awareness from Utah State University. She is incredibly passionate about mental health and has worked with the National Alliance on Mental Illness in various capacities. In her free time, she loves to climb trees, watch way too much Youtube, read books, listen to music, and have deep conversations with her friends and family. She hopes to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy to reach her goal of becoming a therapist. She lives in Logan, Utah where she works on enjoying her single life to the fullest extent until she finds her mister.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
