Written by Allie Barnes

If you are a man reading this, hang tight, because it will all become applicable for you soon too, but we’re going to start by talking about MENSTRUAL CYCLES.

I know I have a cycle—I can tell by the strong emotions I feel periodically with no real, logical base. I can tell by the way my body changes through the month—the aches and pains, the food cravings, and then finally, my period. Then it ends, and I have a couple weeks of relief and calm, and then it starts all over again.

I’ve experienced this cycle for years.

And we can connect this to the moon, tides, and everything else on the earth that has cycles.

But our cycles extend far beyond this, and I didn’t fully realize this until recently when I read about it in the classic book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray:

“A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. …After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.” (120)

He continues, “Life is filled with rhythms—day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.” (121-122)

And just to cover our bases, if you haven’t read the book yet (and you should if you haven’t), here is a little tidbit from Gray about what women need most during their low times: “The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.” (123)

I did not understand this. Many men I’ve dated haven’t understood this. These low points have caused me great pain and shame in the past because of how I perceived myself in relationships—and some of those perceptions were based on painful negative responses from men in the past. I didn’t know. They didn’t know.

Here’s what really opened my eyes: “Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases, women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear.” (130)

For years, I have felt deep shame over my low points, which only perpetuated the sadness, and possibly even made my PMS symptoms worse. Logically, this makes very little sense: While not all women experience severe symptoms or feel much affect on their emotions, various studies claim that around 3 in 4 women, and up to 90% of women, experience PMS symptoms in their lifetime. However, we don’t often see others’ low points. We simply intimately know our own.

I had never considered accepting these emotions, moving through the cycle, and riding the waves as they came. In this article, I’ll be sharing some practical ways to better navigate the low times.

As mentioned earlier, in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Gray also shares about men’s cycles. I hope to share more about this in a future article as I learn more about this, but until then, I highly recommend checking out this book. I’m very late to the game here (the first edition was released in 1992), but there’s obviously a reason it’s remained relevant for so long.

How to Better Handle the Lows

The morning I started writing this article, I cried on the phone to a friend, “I think I’m at the bottom,” I whimpered. “How am I supposed to write about this when I’m IN IT?”

I had tried to meditate earlier in the morning to feel better, and usually, that helps. But this time, I was so deep in emotion that meditating did very little to help. The only thing that got me going that morning was a Diet Coke and that phone call with a friend. After that, I was able to go on a run and start taking care of myself from there. While I’m going to recommend some things to help with emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical self-care during the low points, sometimes you have to think about what you personally need.

Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Care

In a world where we consume almost constantly—media, conversations, interactions, food—slowing down and turning inward can offer incomparable relief. This can mean different things for different people. Sometimes it means turning off your phone for even a few minutes. Sometimes it means spending time studying the scriptures or other religious texts. Sometimes it means going on a walk, meditating, journaling, or calling a friend. Sometimes it means taking an intentional deep breath.

According to the book Restorative Yoga by Ulrica Norberg, our breath is the “only autonomic nervous system function that can be directly affected by our conscious mind.” Conscious breathing can help us relax, as well as alter “the distribution of energy from the [sympathetic nervous system] to the parasympathetic nervous system” (Norberg 35). In her book, she outlines how to breathe a “full complete breath.” In short: sit comfortably and inhale to lengthen the spine. Gently close your eyes. Relax your face and jaw. Exhale completely, then inhale completely, letting your lungs reach their fullest expansion. Hold for two seconds*, then slowly start to exhale. At the bottom of your breath (empty lungs), pause for two seconds once again before repeating for a total of 10 breaths.

*If you are pregnant, you do not need to pause at the bottom and top of each breath. Maintain a constant flow of breath for you and your baby.

While this is a lovely, restorative technique, often I simply pause where I am, close my eyes, exhale to relax my face and shoulders, inhale slowly, then exhale once more. Even one deep, focused breath can work wonders.

Meditation is a similar tool that helps the mind and body relax. I primarily use recorded guided meditations on apps such as Insight Timer (free), Meditation Studio (free), Stop Breathe & Think (free), and Calm (free trial available). These meditations can help you physically relax while helping you mentally come back into the present moment to find greater focus, clarity, and peace. 

Physical Care

I hesitate to even write this section because it could be HUGE if I really got into it. But it’s worth mentioning: if you nurture your body, you will feel better, even just a little bit. Physical activity and eating well—along with many other healthy lifestyle choices—have been shown to positively influence stress, anxiety, depression, and overall life satisfaction. Do not feel like you have to completely change your lifestyle to feel better. Perhaps consider just one thing you can do to nurture your body today. This could mean going for a walk, taking a nap, doing a workout video, drinking more water, putting extra veggies on a pizza, or whatever choice you make that will help your physical body feel better.

Don’t beat yourself up if the only thing that’s getting you out of bed is a Diet Coke and a cookie. Be gentle and loving toward yourself.

If you want to take this a step further, there is some research supporting ways to apply these principles to female hormone regulation. To learn more about this, I recommend checking out the book The Woman Code by Alisa Vitti. You can also begin tracking your PMS symptoms—physical and emotional—as these may very well correspond with your emotional lows. There are multiple tracker apps available these days. I’ve used Period Tracker since 2013 (Android; iOS). For a more in-depth option, you can check out Alisa Vitti’s app, MyFLO.

For more self-care ideas, check out these past Healthy Humans Project articles:

Self-Care Debunked: Self-Indulgence is Not Self-Care! by Rachel Porter

Self-Care Isn’t Selfish! Why We All Need to Renew, Refresh and Refuel by Reva Cook

Self-Care for Busy Humans by Rian Gordon

Self-Love Languages by Rian Gordon

Connect and Communicate

As Gray shares in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, feeling support from others is monumental during these low times. I don’t think it’s necessary to shout it from the rooftops (or your Facebook status), but confiding in a close friend or partner could help ease the heaviness during your low times. It may also be wise not only to tell them that you’re having a hard time, but explain what that means, and what you need.

For me, I would say something like: “I’m having a hard day today. I can’t quite pinpoint why, but it feels really heavy. I’m realizing that this happens regularly and that I’ll be back to my normal self soon, so I’m trying to just accept it and move through it, instead of fighting against it. Right now, I don’t need you to fix anything—I just need to feel loved and supported.”

Your partner is also welcome to communicate their needs as well. I mentioned earlier that both women and men experience cycles—for women, it is more commonly in the rise and fall of their ability to love others and themselves, and for men, it is typically a cycle of pulling back from then moving toward others. When we compassionately and lovingly communicate our current state and accompanying needs, we can better relate to and care for one another.

Communicating and meeting each others’ needs is a vital part of relationships—romantic relationships, yes, but even familial or friend relationships. Therapist Heather Gray states, “If our partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If we are unwilling to meet our partner’s needs, the outcome remains the same.” In her article “Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs” on The Gottman Institute website, she shares more about how to communicate these needs—both for the person communicating their needs and for the person responding.

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Friends, our lows will end. You don’t need anyone to “save you.” You don’t need to panic and fall deeper into your low. You will ride your wave again very soon. The next time you find yourself feeling down, try going with the flow instead of fighting against it. Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Confide in a trusted friend or companion. Create a safe space for yourself, and you’ll be back up in no time.

Want to learn more about this topic? Check out this past HHP article by Rian Gordon, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy (and Sad, and Mad, and Scared…).”

Consider what your waves look like. What cycles—emotional, physical, etc.—do you experience regularly? How can you prepare to better ride those waves?

References

Gray, H. (2017, February 16). Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-you-need-to-accept-your-partners-needs/

Gray, J. (1998). Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: The classic guide to understanding the opposite sex. HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Premenstrual Syndrome. Office on Women’s Health. https://www.womenshealth.gov/menstrual-cycle/premenstrual-syndrome

Velten, J., Lavallee, K. L., Scholten, S., Meyer, A. H., Zhang, X. C., Schneider, S., & Margraf, J. (2014). Lifestyle choices and mental health: a representative population survey. BMC psychology, 2(1), 58. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-014-0055-y

Vitti, A. (2014). WomanCode: Perfect your cycle, amplify your fertility, supercharge your sex drive, and become a power source. HarperOne.

Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.