In today’s world of Facebook rants, cyberbullying, and Youtube trolling, it seems near impossible for anyone to share any sort of opinion without someone else jumping right on in to explain why they are wrong. The truth is, as human beings, we experience the world differently. Because of varying backgrounds, perspectives, and life experiences, we are going to have differing opinions, and yes, even disagreements! This is normal, healthy, and can even be helpful (read on to find out how…). However, most “discussions” that we see happening around us, particularly on social media, often turn into anything short of an all-out riot rather than helping us find mutual understanding and empathy. So how can we avoid this? How can we disagree with someone and still remain civil (and maybe even benefit from the disagreement)?
Step 1: Keep it Private
Facebook is NOT the place for a conversation where you are seeking to understand or be understood. If you want to have a real conversation with someone where mutual understanding is the goal, be intentional about having that conversation in some sort of private setting (whether that is in person or not). Consider having a video chat or at least a phone call so that you are able to notice body language and voice cues rather than just reading a text (it’s been argued that the actual words we say only make up about 7% of what we communicate (Mehrabian, 1967), so being able to read other non-verbal cues helps lower the possibility of misunderstanding). Create a space where both participants can feel safe, and free from fear of judgment or attack.
Photo by Jessica Da Rosa on Unsplash
Step 2: Listen and Learn
The most beautiful part about associating with people you disagree with is that we can all learn from each other. If we all thought the same, we wouldn’t need each other. Our varying experiences allow us to gain perspective, and to work together to make this world a better place! The goal of a conversation where there is disagreement on an issue should be empathy, not “winning”. Empathy (taking on someone else’s perspective) is what turns conflict from something divisive into something productive (check out our other articles here, here, and here to learn more about the power of empathy). It can help us come out of the other side of an argument feeling closer and more understanding towards each other. When you listen with empathy, you also have a better chance of learning something from the disagreement, whether or not what you learn changes your opinion. The point is, strive to see disagreement as an opportunity for connection and understanding rather than a fight to be won.
Step 3: Don’t Put People In a Box
When we disagree with someone on a specific issue, it can be easy to make assumptions about other parts of their lives. Just because someone thinks one way about one matter, doesn’t mean that you can assume that you know all of their other thoughts and feelings. When you notice yourself making an assumption about someone, stop, take a mental step back, and ask yourself, “What is something true (not an assumption) that I know about this person?” Are they a loving parent? A good friend? A hard worker? Rather than getting caught up in your diverging opinions, focus on positive qualities that you KNOW they possess and allow those to shape your opinion of them.
Step 4: Avoid Black and White Thinking
We’ve all heard the adage, “You’re either with me or against me.” Black and white thinking involves the perspective that there is only one way to do or see something. This thinking pattern can be incredibly harmful when we are trying to communicate with others. When it comes to people’s experiences, thoughts, and choices, chances are they are FAR more nuanced and complicated than we can understand from just a single opinion. When you are having a disagreement, remember that the person you are talking to is part of your same human family and that having a certain opinion doesn’t automatically make you enemies.
Photo by Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash
Step 5: The Care is Still There
Finally, it’s important to realize that you can disagree with someone and still care about them. When we disagree about an issue, it can be easy to take that disagreement personally. This builds on the previous steps. Creating a private space of mutual respect, safety, and empathy, along with avoiding assumptions and black and white thinking can help someone to know that you still care for them, even if you disagree.
Even though disagreement can sometimes be uncomfortable, we don’t need to be afraid of it. When we keep conversations civil and make connection our mutual goal, our different opinions can be a source of learning, empathy, and progress rather than venom and frustration. The next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, slow down and try to remember that relationships are more important than always being “right”.
The next time you see something on social media that you disagree with or that makes you angry, DON’T REPLY ON THE COMMENT THREAD. Practice restraint, wait a few hours, and then if you still have something that you feel really needs to be said, reach out and have a private conversation instead.
Mansfield, K. C., & Jean-Marie, G. (2015). Courageous conversations about race, class, and gender: Voices and lessons from the field. International Journal of Qualitative Studies in Education, 28(7), 819–841. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/09518398.2015.1036950
Mehrabian, A., & Wiener, M. (1967). Decoding of inconsistent communications. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 6, 109-114.
Moffitt, U., & Syed, M. (2020). Ethnic-racial identity in action: Structure and content of friends’ conversations about ethnicity and race. Identity: An International Journal of Theory and Research. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/15283488.2020.1838804
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Many of us grew up believing that once we’re married or find a life partner, we won’t experience loneliness anymore. And then we grew up and realized that wasn’t the case. The reality is, no matter your place in life, loneliness is a possibility. Even the healthiest couples feel alone, at times, in their relationships. So, how do we cope when love feels lonely?
Resistance and Mindfulness
Ironically, on the day I decided to write about loneliness, I experienced an overwhelming lonely night. It’s as though a wave of isolation, shame and emptiness consumed me. Rather than resist these emotions by jumping to usual numbing tactics, I allowed myself to feel them completely (Metcalfe & Mischel, 1999). I refrained from giving loneliness meaning, and instead, I just sat there with the feeling. What happened as a result? It, like all emotions, eventually passed. When we seek to understand our feelings rather than avoid them, they come and go as vibrations in the body. According to life coach Jodi Moore, “when we resist negative emotion, we intensify it” (Moore, 2015). Part of mindfulness is observing our emotions instead of judging them. Researchers have found when dealing with negative emotions it is more helpful to ask “what” rather than “why” (Kross, Ayduk & Mischel, 2005). There is a difference in “I feel lonely” and “I feel lonely, therefore, I must not be lovable, worthy, matter, etc.” Understanding our emotions without identifying with them is a leap toward emotional freedom. In times of anxiety ask yourself “what am I making this mean about me? Is that how I want to feel?”
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Letting go of control to seek awareness is a paradox to our survival instincts. We begin life dependent on external sources to quell our loneliness. As we become independent, our modern brains grow in reasoning. However, when the mind detects danger, our primal brain wants to protect. This is why when we experience negative emotions in our adult years there is often a sense of fear and urgency. Remember that your brain is just doing its job to protect you. When loneliness and fear of loneliness come up, be mindful that yes this hurts or feels uncomfortable, but is not life-threatening (Well, 2017).
Connection and Vulnerability
Sometimes loneliness catches us by surprise like in my recent experience. Other times it’s created by a buildup of emotions and unmet needs. Some researchers define loneliness as “a discrepancy between actual and desired interpersonal relationships” (De Jong-Gierveld, 1989). Meaning there is a lack of personal or social support and intimacy. When we feel lonely, we may be lacking connection, which can be found in many ways. Connection with self, others, the earth, a higher power, etc. Things like getting out in nature, taking a hot bath, meditating, talking with a friend or family member, praying, and reading good literature have all helped to ease my feelings of inadequacy.
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
No matter the type of connection we are needing, the stipulation is vulnerability. Remaining open to uncertainty is a precondition for the intimacy that can dissipate loneliness and shame. “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection” (Brown, 2010). We all need each other in some way, and our networks can help us in lonely times. Having relationships is part of what makes life beautiful and dynamic. It’s easy to admire someone’s strengths, but we actually connect with their weaknesses. Yet, remember that outside sources, people included, are not a fix-all. It takes both self-awareness and compassion from others to get through difficult times. Using loneliness to fuel introspection can lead to many insights and discoveries (Hixon & Swann, 1993). Holding space for others and holding space for yourself can co-exist, despite what we may have thought.
Right vs. Happy
Often times loneliness appears in our exchanges due to disagreements. Not seeing eye to eye is completely normal and inevitable in any relationship. The only person who thinks like you, is you. While conflict is good, and sometimes part of our path to connection, it can also create more feelings of separateness within partnerships. I’ve witnessed topics like raising children, religion, politics, diet, money, education, career and many others pull people apart.
Photo by Sebastian Pichler on Unsplash
I know a couple with different beliefs that have managed to put being happy over being right. The wife is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), and her husband isn’t religious. Her husband has fully supported her dreams, even though he does not share his wife’s beliefs. She has completely accepted who he is, without trying to change his mind or convert him. While both of them probably think that they are right in their personal beliefs, they maintain their own beliefs while still being kind and supportive of each other. When she went through an LDS temple to perform sacred rituals, he waited outside with flowers, embraced her and told her he was proud of her. It isn’t easy to allow space for difference or disagreement, but it is possible. When you feel lonely because of opposing views or ideas ask yourself, “What matters more to me? This person and our relationship, or being right?”
It’s Normal
According to Dr. Epistein, the feeling of separateness is inescapable, but it doesn’t have to be painful (Epistein, 2005). Because we are all individuals there is the potential for loneliness in every relationship.Remember, we’re not meant to feel good all the time. We’re meant to experience both joy and sadness. Take comfort in knowing that everyone feels alone at times, both in and out of relationships. The chances that others are feeling lonely are high. Know that loneliness is part of the shared human experience and there are likely people in your life with whom you can relate and turn to for comfort.
Practice identifying what emotions you’re experiencing without assigning them meaning. Honor that the emotions are there and deserve to be felt, but refrain from personalizing them. Share these feelings with your partner and practice holding the space for each other.
Hixson, J.G. & Swann, W. (1993). When does introspection bear fruit? Self-reflection, self-insight, and interpersonal choices. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 35-43.
Kross, E., Ayduk, A., & Mischel, W. (2005). When asking why does not hurt distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions. Psychological Science, 16, 709-715.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
The next time you see something on social media that you disagree with or that makes you angry, DON’T REPLY ON THE COMMENT THREAD. Practice restraint, wait a few hours, and then if you still have something that you feel really needs to be said, reach out and have a private conversation instead.
