Love, Me, Mental Notes

Suicide: Changing the Conversation

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Cover photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Written by Anasteece Smith and Rian Gordon
Suicide.
Hearing the word may make you uncomfortable but we need to talk about it. 
Scratch that, we HAVE to talk about it. 
Suicide is the second leading cause of death in the world for those between ages 15-24 (SAVE, 2020) and the tenth leading cause of death in the United States for all ages. This means that the majority of people will in some way be touched by suicide in their lives. Yet, many are unsure of how to talk about suicide or how to get help if they become suicidal. 
Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels

Myths and Facts

Myth #1: Talking about suicide causes suicide
Fact: Talking about suicide opens the conversation and can be a preventative measure. Having these sometimes difficult conversations allows the person struggling to talk about what they are going through and can help them to see things from an outside perspective. It’s okay to ask questions and to be specific about those questions. It’s okay to share your own experiences with suicide or suicidality because sharing helps us know we’re not alone, and helps to fight shame and stigma. (Nevada Division of Public and Behavioral Health, 2019)
Myth #2: People who are suicidal want their life to end
Fact: People who are suicidal usually don’t want to end their lives, rather they want to end their suffering. They are often in such a dark, hopeless place that they feel there is no way to end their suffering other than by taking their own life. (Fuller, 2018)
Myth #3: Suicide only affects those who have a mental disorder(s)
Fact: While mental disorders can be a risk factor for suicide, that does not mean that everyone that has one has suicidal thoughts, ideation etc. You also do not have to have a mental illness to feel suicidal. Often there are other stressors such as relationship problems, abuse, illness, crisis, etc. that can lead to suicide. (Fuller, 2018)
Myth #4: Most suicides happen suddenly
Fact: Rarely does suicide happen suddenly. Usually the person who is suicidal shows warning signs. These signs are often shown to those who are closest to them, and those people may not recognize that these are warning signs. It’s important to know the signs so that we can help those who may be at risk for suicide. (Fuller, 2018)
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What we need to change when we talk about suicide

Using the Word – We need to use the word suicide rather than beating around the bush or using other terms. It’s okay to say the word suicide, and it’s okay to say that you’re suicidal. It’s important that we use the word because the more that we talk about it, the more we can end the stigma around it. (Roe, 2019)
Change the Language – We need to be careful about what words we use when discussing suicide. We partitcularly need to stop using phrases like, “Successfully committed suicide,” or, “Failed suicide attempt”. Words like “successful” and “failed” can carry other meanings, some with positive implications, like “successful”, or negative, like “committed”, which makes it sounds like a crime has taken place. Rather,  we should use phrases like, “Died by suicide,” because it’s more accurate and less emotionally charged. It is important that we talk about suicide respectfully because we are all human and vulnerable. (Roe, 2019)
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

What to do if you’re suicidal

1. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – You do not have to face this alone. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or thinking about taking your own life, PLEASE reach out to someone you trust. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or you can chat online at this link here. If you feel more comfortable texting, you can text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor. If you are part of the LGBTQ Community, you can call the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or visit their website for options to chat and text. (LGB youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth.) (The Trevor Project, 2017)
2. Make a safety plan – Having a plan in place for when you are in a suicidal mindset can take away some of the pressure of having to think critically when you are in a state of overwhelm.
  • What you might include in your plan: 
    • Warning signs to watch for (thoughts, images, mood, situations, behavior, etc., that indicate a crisis might be happening)
    • Ideas for how to help yourself (self-soothing techniques, positive distractions, etc.)
    • People you can ask for help (include names and contact information)
    • Ideas for how you can make your environment safe for you
    • A list of things that are important to you and/or worth living for
3. Remember, feelings are temporary – No matter how hopeless things may seem, you are wanted and needed on this earth. Do not make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. You can and will get through this. 
Photo by Scott Broome on Unsplash

How to help someone who is suicidal

1. Watch for signs – If your friend is feeling suicidal, it may be difficult for them to reach out and ask for help.  Here are some signs to look for that can help you recognize that they may be struggling:
  • Verbal Signs
    • Talking about wanting to die or kill themselves
    • Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
    • Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
    • Talking about being a burden to others
  • Behavioral Signs
    • Increased drug or alcohol abuse or relapsing after being in recovery
    • Looking for a way to kill themselves, like searching online, buying a gun, stockpiling pills
    • Unexplained anger, aggression and irritability; behaving recklessly 
    • Sudden interest or disinterest in religion
    • Giving away prized possessions
    • Getting personal affairs in order
    • Sleeping too little or too much
    • Withdrawing or isolating themselves
    • Extreme mood swings
    • Previous suicide attempts
  • Situational Signs
    • Fired of expelled from school
    • Unwanted move
    • Loss of major relationship
    • Death of someone by suicide
    • Diagnosis of serious or terminal illness
    • Other life events or changes
2. Ask, and then listen with empathy – It’s important that you ask the question directly–are you thinking about killing yourself? Are you suicidal? Do you have a suicide plan? It may come as a natural flow of conversation or you may just have to ask out of the blue. When you ask, make sure it is in a private setting, and give them the time that they need to talk. However they respond, listen with empathy and avoid reacting with shame or judgment. Don’t feel like you have to present a solution or fix it for them right then and there. Just let them know that you care about and are there for them. 
Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels
3. Take their thoughts and feelings seriously – Remember, when someone says they are suicidal, it’s important to believe them and not assume they are just being dramatic or seeking attention. Regardless of whether or not you feel your friend’s situation is truly as hopeless as they feel, if someone is thinking or talking about suicide, you should always take them seriously.
4. Get help – Encourage your friend to seek help, and don’t promise to keep their struggles a secret. Neither of you has to bear this burden alone. Help your friend identify others who can also be a part of their support system and help them get through this difficult time. 
5. Know what resources are available – Your friend may be overwhelmed and not know where to go to get help. If you are on a college campus, find their counseling and psychological services as well as their after-hours line. If your friend is an immediate danger to themselves, call 9-1-1. Do a quick Google search or refer to the previous section about help lines you can contact or direct them to. If your friend protests and gets upset that you have contacted someone, don’t worry. It’s  ALWAYS better to have an angry, alive friend. 
Photo by Käännöstoimisto Transly on Unsplash
Suicide is painful and tragic, and also one of the only causes of death that is 100% preventable. We have the power to stop suicide by talking about it, fighting shame and stigma, and by empathizing with and being there for one another. For the sake of ourselves, and our loved ones, we HAVE to change the conversation. 
Share one of the facts about suicide from this article on social media or with a loved one.

References

Fuller, K., M.D. (2018, September 6). 5 Common Myths About Suicide Debunked. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2018/5-Common-Myths-About-Suicide-Debunked
Nevada Division of Public and Behavioral Health. (2019). The Myths & Facts of Youth Suicide. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from http://suicideprevention.nv.gov/Youth/Myths/
Quinnett, P., Ph. D. (2016).  Ask a Question, Save a Life [Pamphlet]. QPR Institute.
Roe, T, (2019, May 24), Suicide. Podcast Therapy Thoughts. Retrieved from https://anchor.fm/therapythoughts/episodes/Episode-27-Suicide-Thoughts-from-a-human-therapist-e44t2t
SAVE. (2020). Suicide Statistics and Facts. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://save.org/about-suicide/suicide-facts/
The Trevor Project. (2017, September 20). Facts About Suicide. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/preventing-suicide/facts-about-suicide/

 

 

Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

Riding the Waves and Embracing the Cycle

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Written by Allie Barnes
If you are a man reading this, hang tight, because it will all become applicable for you soon too, but we’re going to start by talking about MENSTRUAL CYCLES.
I know I have a cycle—I can tell by the strong emotions I feel periodically with no real, logical base. I can tell by the way my body changes through the month—the aches and pains, the food cravings, and then finally, my period. Then it ends, and I have a couple weeks of relief and calm, and then it starts all over again.
I’ve experienced this cycle for years.
And we can connect this to the moon, tides, and everything else on the earth that has cycles.
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Photo by Karl Fredrickson on Unsplash
But our cycles extend far beyond this, and I didn’t fully realize this until recently when I read about it in the classic book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray:
“A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. …After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.” (120)
He continues, “Life is filled with rhythms—day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.” (121-122)
And just to cover our bases, if you haven’t read the book yet (and you should if you haven’t), here is a little tidbit from Gray about what women need most during their low times: “The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.” (123)
I did not understand this. Many men I’ve dated haven’t understood this. These low points have caused me great pain and shame in the past because of how I perceived myself in relationships—and some of those perceptions were based on painful negative responses from men in the past. I didn’t know. They didn’t know.
Here’s what really opened my eyes: “Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases, women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear.” (130)
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Photo by Matteo Di Iorio on Unsplash
For years, I have felt deep shame over my low points, which only perpetuated the sadness, and possibly even made my PMS symptoms worse. Logically, this makes very little sense: While not all women experience severe symptoms or feel much affect on their emotions, various studies claim that around 3 in 4 women, and up to 90% of women, experience PMS symptoms in their lifetime. However, we don’t often see others’ low points. We simply intimately know our own.
I had never considered accepting these emotions, moving through the cycle, and riding the waves as they came. In this article, I’ll be sharing some practical ways to better navigate the low times.
As mentioned earlier, in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Gray also shares about men’s cycles. I hope to share more about this in a future article as I learn more about this, but until then, I highly recommend checking out this book. I’m very late to the game here (the first edition was released in 1992), but there’s obviously a reason it’s remained relevant for so long.

How to Better Handle the Lows

The morning I started writing this article, I cried on the phone to a friend, “I think I’m at the bottom,” I whimpered. “How am I supposed to write about this when I’m IN IT?”
I had tried to meditate earlier in the morning to feel better, and usually, that helps. But this time, I was so deep in emotion that meditating did very little to help. The only thing that got me going that morning was a Diet Coke and that phone call with a friend. After that, I was able to go on a run and start taking care of myself from there. While I’m going to recommend some things to help with emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical self-care during the low points, sometimes you have to think about what you personally need.

Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Care

In a world where we consume almost constantly—media, conversations, interactions, food—slowing down and turning inward can offer incomparable relief. This can mean different things for different people. Sometimes it means turning off your phone for even a few minutes. Sometimes it means spending time studying the scriptures or other religious texts. Sometimes it means going on a walk, meditating, journaling, or calling a friend. Sometimes it means taking an intentional deep breath.
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Photo by Motoki Tonn on Unsplash
According to the book Restorative Yoga by Ulrica Norberg, our breath is the “only autonomic nervous system function that can be directly affected by our conscious mind.” Conscious breathing can help us relax, as well as alter “the distribution of energy from the [sympathetic nervous system] to the parasympathetic nervous system” (Norberg 35). In her book, she outlines how to breathe a “full complete breath.” In short: sit comfortably and inhale to lengthen the spine. Gently close your eyes. Relax your face and jaw. Exhale completely, then inhale completely, letting your lungs reach their fullest expansion. Hold for two seconds*, then slowly start to exhale. At the bottom of your breath (empty lungs), pause for two seconds once again before repeating for a total of 10 breaths.
*If you are pregnant, you do not need to pause at the bottom and top of each breath. Maintain a constant flow of breath for you and your baby.
While this is a lovely, restorative technique, often I simply pause where I am, close my eyes, exhale to relax my face and shoulders, inhale slowly, then exhale once more. Even one deep, focused breath can work wonders.
Meditation is a similar tool that helps the mind and body relax. I primarily use recorded guided meditations on apps such as Insight Timer (free), Meditation Studio (free), Stop Breathe & Think (free), and Calm (free trial available). These meditations can help you physically relax while helping you mentally come back into the present moment to find greater focus, clarity, and peace. 

Physical Care

I hesitate to even write this section because it could be HUGE if I really got into it. But it’s worth mentioning: if you nurture your body, you will feel better, even just a little bit. Physical activity and eating well—along with many other healthy lifestyle choices—have been shown to positively influence stress, anxiety, depression, and overall life satisfaction. Do not feel like you have to completely change your lifestyle to feel better. Perhaps consider just one thing you can do to nurture your body today. This could mean going for a walk, taking a nap, doing a workout video, drinking more water, putting extra veggies on a pizza, or whatever choice you make that will help your physical body feel better.
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Photo by free to use sounds on Unsplash
Don’t beat yourself up if the only thing that’s getting you out of bed is a Diet Coke and a cookie. Be gentle and loving toward yourself.
If you want to take this a step further, there is some research supporting ways to apply these principles to female hormone regulation. To learn more about this, I recommend checking out the book The Woman Code by Alisa Vitti. You can also begin tracking your PMS symptoms—physical and emotional—as these may very well correspond with your emotional lows. There are multiple tracker apps available these days. I’ve used Period Tracker since 2013 (Android; iOS). For a more in-depth option, you can check out Alisa Vitti’s app, MyFLO.
For more self-care ideas, check out these past Healthy Humans Project articles:
Self-Care Debunked: Self-Indulgence is Not Self-Care! by Rachel Porter
Self-Care Isn’t Selfish! Why We All Need to Renew, Refresh and Refuel by Reva Cook
Self-Care for Busy Humans by Rian Gordon
Self-Love Languages by Rian Gordon

Connect and Communicate

As Gray shares in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, feeling support from others is monumental during these low times. I don’t think it’s necessary to shout it from the rooftops (or your Facebook status), but confiding in a close friend or partner could help ease the heaviness during your low times. It may also be wise not only to tell them that you’re having a hard time, but explain what that means, and what you need.
For me, I would say something like: “I’m having a hard day today. I can’t quite pinpoint why, but it feels really heavy. I’m realizing that this happens regularly and that I’ll be back to my normal self soon, so I’m trying to just accept it and move through it, instead of fighting against it. Right now, I don’t need you to fix anything—I just need to feel loved and supported.”
Your partner is also welcome to communicate their needs as well. I mentioned earlier that both women and men experience cycles—for women, it is more commonly in the rise and fall of their ability to love others and themselves, and for men, it is typically a cycle of pulling back from then moving toward others. When we compassionately and lovingly communicate our current state and accompanying needs, we can better relate to and care for one another.
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Photo from piqsels.com
Communicating and meeting each others’ needs is a vital part of relationships—romantic relationships, yes, but even familial or friend relationships. Therapist Heather Gray states, “If our partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If we are unwilling to meet our partner’s needs, the outcome remains the same.” In her article “Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs” on The Gottman Institute website, she shares more about how to communicate these needs—both for the person communicating their needs and for the person responding.
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Friends, our lows will end. You don’t need anyone to “save you.” You don’t need to panic and fall deeper into your low. You will ride your wave again very soon. The next time you find yourself feeling down, try going with the flow instead of fighting against it. Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Confide in a trusted friend or companion. Create a safe space for yourself, and you’ll be back up in no time.
Want to learn more about this topic? Check out this past HHP article by Rian Gordon, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy (and Sad, and Mad, and Scared…).”
Personal Practice 1Consider what your waves look like. What cycles—emotional, physical, etc.—do you experience regularly? How can you prepare to better ride those waves?

References

Gray, H. (2017, February 16). Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-you-need-to-accept-your-partners-needs/
Gray, J. (1998). Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: The classic guide to understanding the opposite sex. HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Premenstrual Syndrome. Office on Women’s Health. https://www.womenshealth.gov/menstrual-cycle/premenstrual-syndrome
Velten, J., Lavallee, K. L., Scholten, S., Meyer, A. H., Zhang, X. C., Schneider, S., & Margraf, J. (2014). Lifestyle choices and mental health: a representative population survey. BMC psychology, 2(1), 58. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-014-0055-y
Vitti, A. (2014). WomanCode: Perfect your cycle, amplify your fertility, supercharge your sex drive, and become a power source. HarperOne.

 

 

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Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

Coping with Seasonal Depression

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), sometimes called seasonal depression impacts an estimated 10 million people every year (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Characterized by symptoms of increased lethargy, fatigue, depression, hopelessness, increased moodiness, changes in weight and appetite, increased sleep, and decreased motivation, SAD usually begins in the fall and ends at the end of winter when days get longer and temperatures rise. Risk factors include family history of mental illness, and having bipolar disorder, especially bipolar II. Women are 4x more likely to have SAD than men (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Having said this, SAD can impact people during the summer, but is less common. We’ll save that conversation for warmer weather and focus on winter SAD for now.
Winter can be hard for everyone, not just those with SAD. If you don’t have SAD but you find yourself lonely, sad, lethargic, or grieving during the winter months, these tips for coping can help you too.

Light Therapy

Bright light has been proven to be effective in reducing symptoms of seasonal affective disorder, particularly when used two hours daily during the winter season. (Terman, et al., 1989). Light therapy helps regulate the body’s circadian phases by helping to regulate the body’s mood affecting chemicals and hormones (Youngstedt, et al., 2016). You can get light therapy lights on Amazon if you’re interested in giving it a shot.

Exercise

This is pretty obvious. Exercise increases endorphins and serotonin levels, helping to combat depressive symptoms (Leppämäki, et al., 2002). Increasing the heart rate is a great way to fight off feelings of hopelessness and lethargy and other symptoms of depression (Blumenthal et. al., 2012). Sometimes it can be hard to find the motivation, but don’t give up. Push yourself.
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Photo from pexels.com

Talk Therapy

As with any mood disorder, talk therapy can be effective in processing through depressive symptoms and feelings of hopelessness or lack of motivation. So if you’re feeling a “winter funk”, consider that maybe it really is a big deal. Seeking support and help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s just taking care of yourself.

Vitamin D

Vitamin D is another way to help stabilize mood. SAD and low vitamin D levels are connected (Whiteman, 2014). Get as much sunlight as you can despite the cold, darker days, and increase food like fish, egg yolks, fortified dairy products and mushrooms. Consult a physician to take vitamin D supplements.
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Photo from pexels.com

Social interactions

Even though having SAD makes it easier to isolate and comes with a lack of motivation, getting out and spending time with friends and family is an important way to cope and keep that depressed mood at bay. When my husband lived in Alaska, he met a mayor of a small town who held a weekly dinner at his home and would make personal visits to the citizens of the town to help them feel valued and combat depression and loneliness. Citizens of the town talked about how much they appreciated having these weekly dinners, particularly during the winter.
When it comes down to it, depression, anxiety, bipolar, and SAD are serious mood disorders which are commonly comorbid (occurring simultaneously), so be sure to take care of yourself and your loved ones. We all need love and care.
Personal Practice 11. Take time for self care.
2. Check on a loved one who may be struggling with any emotion or mental health challenge, not just SAD.

References

Blumenthal, J. A., Smith, P. J., & Hoffman, B. M. (2012). Is Exercise a Viable Treatment for Depression? ACSMs HealthFit. https://doi/10.1249/01.FIT.0000416000.09526.eb
Leppämäki, S., Partonen, T., & Lönnqvist, J. (2002). Bright-light exposure combined with physical exercise elevates mood. Journal of Affective Disorders, 72(2), 139–144. https://doi/10.1016/s0165-0327(01)00417-7
Terman, M., Terman, J. S., Quitkin, F. M., McGrath, P. J., Stewart, J. W., & Rafferty, B. (1989). Light therapy for Seasonal Affective Disorder. Neuropsychopharmacology, 2(1), 1–22. https://doi/10.1016/0893-133x(89)90002-x
Whiteman, H. (2014). Researchers link vitamin D deficiency to seasonal affective disorder. Medical News Today. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/286496.php#1
Youngstedt, S. D., Kline, C. E., Elliot, J. A., Zielinski, M. R., Devlin, T. M., & Moore, T. A. (2016). Circadian Phase-Shifting Effects of Bright Light, Exercise, and Bright Light Exercise. Journal of Circadian Rhythms, 14(1). https://doi/10.5334/jcr.137

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

5 Things You Need to Know About Depression

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Written by Rian Gordon
Over the past few years, mental health is something that has been discussed more and more openly; something that I believe is incredibly important, and worthy of celebration. There is still a lot of work to be done, however, on educating the general population about various mental illnesses, and on working to get rid of the stigma that has long surrounded the topic. That is why today, I would like to give some general information about clinical depression. I hope that knowing this information will empower you to better manage your own mental and emotional health, and will also help you recognize when those around you may be in need of some extra love, care, and help.
Here are five things you need to know about depression:

1. Depression doesn’t just mean feeling sad.

Depression is a real illness that can affect people in many different ways. While feeling sad, or having a “depressed mood” is a very common symptom, depression can also cause loss of interest in activities that normally bring you pleasure, appetite changes, issues with sleep, lack of energy or sluggishness, nervous ticks or restless activity, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, trouble concentrating, and suicidal thoughts. For me personally, depression makes me feel very tired, worthless, and apathetic towards pretty much everything. It’s not something that I can just pull myself out of or “get over”.
You need to have been experiencing symptoms of depression for 2 weeks to be diagnosed.
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Photo from pexels.com
It’s important to acknowledge that we all experience times of sadness in our lives. The death of a loved one, losing a job, or a difficult breakup will of course bring sadness and grief. These emotions are natural, and even a healthy part of healing. However, just because we are going through a time of difficulty does not mean that we are depressed. There are a few important distinctions outlined by the American Psychiatric Association that can help us determine if we are experiencing normal grief, or if we need to seek help and treatment for depression:
  • “In grief, painful feelings come in waves, often intermixed with positive memories of the deceased. In major depression, mood and/or interest (pleasure) are decreased for most of two weeks.”
  • “In grief, self-esteem is usually maintained. In major depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.”
  • For some people, traumatic life events can bring on both grief and depression. “When grief and depression co-exist, the grief is more severe and lasts longer than grief without depression.”
Here is a quick little 3-minute survey that can help you determine whether or not you are experiencing depression.

2. Depression can affect anyone.

This instagram campaign from 2017 #faceofdepression shows that people of all ages, races, nationalities, and backgrounds can experience depression. According to the World Health Organization, 300 million people around the world have depression, and the APA estimates that one in six people will experience depression at some point during their lifetime. There has also been a recent increase in depression among adolescents.  Having money or fame, getting good grades in school, or being married or in a relationship do not make you immune. If you find yourself suffering from depression, know that you are not alone and that you are in good company (if you don’t believe me, check out this WebMD slideshow of famous people with depression that includes JK Rowling, Kristen Bell, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson).

3. Depression can be caused by a variety of things.

While depression can be triggered by many different things, there are a few factors that can make you more likely to experience depression.
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Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash
  • Brain Chemistry: Chemical imbalances in the brain can cause depression. 
  • Genetics: If someone in your family suffers from depression, you are more likely to experience it as well.
  • Health Problems: Depression can sometimes be a side-effect of other health problems such as thyroid issues, vitamin deficiencies, or hormone imbalances. If you are experiencing depression, it is important to get checked for these other problems so that they can be treated (this will often help with the depression symptoms).
  • Personality: People who struggle with low self-esteem, who are dealing with stress, or who are generally more pessimistic are more likely to experience depression.
  • Trauma: Abuse, neglect, and other traumatic or life-altering experiences can make you more susceptible to depression.
  • Sex: Women are actually more likely to experience depression than men.

4. Depression doesn’t have to win.

If you or someone you love is experiencing depression, there is hope! Depression is actually a very treatable disorder, and according to the APA, “between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression eventually respond well to treatment”. There are many different resources and options for dealing with depression, the most effective usually being a combination of talk therapy and medication. The first step in getting help would be to talk to your doctor. They can help recommend treatment options and refer you to other mental health resources in your area. Other important things that you can do to help beat depression are exercise, getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and taking time for self-care.
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Photo from pexels.com

5. When in doubt, reach out!

If you are unsure whether or not the symptoms you are experiencing are actual diagnosable depression, it is always best to reach out for help. Talk with a doctor, partner, or trusted friend or family member, and let them know you are struggling. The more we get comfortable talking about depression (and other mental illnesses), the less scary or daunting it will seem, and the more people we will empower to get the help they need!

Personal Practice 1

This week, share your favorite thing you learned about depression from this article on social media. Let’s spread the word and stop the stigma!

References

American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). What Is Depression?. Retrieved January 22, 2019, from https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression
Morin, A. (n.d.). How Many People Are Actually Affected by Depression Every Year? Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/depression-statistics-everyone-should-know-4159056
Nėjė, J. (n.d.). 218 Photos That Prove Depression Symptoms Have No Face. Retrieved from https://www.boredpanda.com/face-of-depression/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic
Slideshow: Pictures of Celebrities With Depression. (n.d.). Retrieved January 22, 2019, from https://www.webmd.com/depression/ss/slideshow-depression-celebs
Study Finds Depression On Rise In Adolescents But Particularly Among Teen Girls. (2016, November 14). Retrieved from https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/Pages/Study-Finds-Depression-On-Rise-In-Adolescents-But-Particularly-Among-Teen-Girls.aspx
3 Minute Depression Test & Screening. Get Instant Results. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psycom.net/depression-test/

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Project Parent

Postpartum Expression

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Written by Shirley Anderson
As a new mom myself, I am all too familiar with the many changes that accompany postpartum. The complete joy; the exhaustion; the new family dynamics; the physical recovery; the bonding; the new body; modified social and work dynamics and countless other changes that one truly can’t prepare for.
Experiences during postpartum vary widely, ranging from tears of discouragement to inexplicable joy—sometimes within a matter of minutes! In hopes of shedding some light on the realities of postpartum, I’ve asked over a dozen new moms about their experiences. These brave mothers candidly share the highs and lows of their transition into motherhood; how they find solace on hard days and invaluable advice for expectant moms. The full interview can be found  here.
In this post, I’ve summarized their responses into four essential tips on how to thrive in postpartum, and included some experiences of women with postpartum depression and/or anxiety integrated with what the experts have to say about it.

#1 Be Patient With Yourself

Being patient with yourself is key in postpartum! It takes practice to learn how to best meet your baby’s needs, and communication with an infant can be tricky. Be kind to yourself as you learn the ropes of motherhood.
woman carrying baby
Photo by Jenna Christina on Unsplash
“It is easy to be overwhelmed and feel like I am not enough or I am not doing enough. Even if I feel like I am a good mom 99% of the time I tend to dwell on the one moment I lost my patience for a second.”
Remember to avoid comparing your progress with your perception of other moms. Everyone’s journey looks different, and things are rarely as they seem.
“Nowadays with social media you can see everybody’s perfect moments, and not their everyday, and so that’s what you compare to. They look happy, their house is so clean, why isn’t mine? But you have to remember that every situation is different and what people post isn’t always reality.”

#2 Take Time to Recharge

Being 100% responsible for a little one can be really taxing. Surrounding yourself with family and friends who can support you in this new endeavor makes a world of difference. Research has shown that the well-being of first time mothers is indicative of the support of her social network (Leahy et al., 2012). Just as the old proverb says, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Use your village!
adorable-affection-baby-1257110
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“Bring on a trusted team of helpers to help care for your baby, husband, kids and you. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. You need all of the strength to get you through the first few months, especially.”
Self-care is crucial to maintaining our identity outside of motherhood. Try making a list of things you enjoy doing and then make the time to do them! You will feel refreshed and be better able to care for your loved ones.
“I think once I get out of the house I feel a lot better. Even if it’s just for a walk around the block. Sometimes the only way to get out of the house is with messy hair and no makeup but I always feel better.”

#3 Trust Your Intuition

Many people will have opinions on what is ‘best.’ Trust your intuition! You are more than capable to care for your baby as you see fit.
woman carrying baby while walking
Photo by Dakota Corbin on Unsplash
“DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. Mom-guilt is real and I can really be hard on myself, especially when I feel like I’m not living up to expectations (either ones that I have set for myself, or ones that I feel like others have for me).”
Our motherhood journeys will all look different because each mother, baby and situation are unique. Remember to “go with your gut” and do what you feel is best—even if it isn’t popular among friends or family.
“Rather than doing what the books tell you to do or everything that others tell you to do, trust yourself. You do have motherly instincts and they’ll kick in to help you. Books and advice from others are there to simply make your life easier and bring you more joy, so if that advice is taking away the joy of motherhood, then let it go and do things your way.”

#4 Redefine Success

Success in motherhood looks different! In the first few weeks after my baby was born, I had a hard time feeling successful at the end of each day. My to-do list became extremely simple (ex. ‘take a shower,’ or ‘clip baby’s nails’). I became disenchanted with the monotony of my small accomplishments.
“When another person depends on you for everything, suddenly the easiest household tasks seem monumental—especially on limited sleep.”
I’ve since learned that success isn’t completing a well thought out to-do list! I fed, diapered, sang to, read to, played with, soothed and cherished my baby all day long (tasks that didn’t appear on my to-do list). To me, that has become success.
“…this tiny sweet person will only be little for so long. I am slowly learning to not sweat the small things and that playing hide and seek is much more important than finishing the laundry.”

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

“Postpartum depression is a real thing, and I think every new mom no matter if she experiences it or not, is a soldier for what she goes through. Virtually no part of your body, mind, or soul goes untouched after becoming a mother.”
Approximately 8–14 % of US women experience postpartum depression, yet fewer than half of these women ever receive treatment (Farr et al., 2016). This often stems from the notion that postpartum depression and anxiety are not permanent conditions and that you can just “ride-it-out.” When left unacknowledged or untended, these conditions can have lasting effects and overshadow the joys of motherhood.
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Photo from pexels.com
It’s important to educate yourself on both the typical and atypical symptoms of postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety/OCD. Click here and here for two different articles that help explain these symptoms.  
After giving birth, there is a significant shift in hormones that often cause mothers to experience mood swings. A few blue days of feeling tired and overwhelmed are considered ‘typical’ while extended periods of feeling hopeless are not. If you are consumed by feelings of sadness, guilt or anxiousness, reach out and get the help you need.  
“DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. I started seeing my therapist as soon as my anxiety felt higher than normal after giving birth. I have generalized anxiety disorder, so my husband and I were on alert, knowing that I was at a higher risk for postpartum. Getting professional help has really helped me to keep going.”
“I now know I had postpartum anxiety/OCD after B was born. For the first few months I hardly slept or would leave my baby alone in a room. I was so worried about him and his safety. It was hard because I was worried that I would feel like that forever. I of course still worry about him but not in the same obsessive way. I was ashamed to tell anyone my “crazy” thoughts and feelings and didn’t reach out when I needed to the most.”

Conclusion:

The key to THRIVING in postpartum is not going at it alone or with unrealistic expectations. Celebrate the mundane but important victories and surround yourself with a support network that validates you in the most important undertaking you will ever face!
As you hit that daily wall of “I have no idea what I am doing” or experience the euphoria of “I’m so happy my heart could burst”, take a step back and remember that this is the nature of motherhood and that you are in good company.

References

Farr, S. L., Ko, J. Y., Burley, K., & Gupta, S. (2016). Provider communication on perinatal depression: A population-based study. Archives of Women’s Mental Health, 19(1), 35–40. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s00737-014-0493-9
Hussmann, M. D. (2021). Demystifying first-time mothers’ postpartum mental health: A phenomenological study of the transition to becoming a mother [ProQuest Information & Learning]. In Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering (Vol. 82, Issue 8–B).
Leahy, W. P., McCarthy, G., & Corcoran, P. (2012). First‐time mothers: Social support, maternal parental self‐efficacy and postnatal depression. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 21(3–4), 388–397. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1365-2702.2011.03701.x
Lee, H. Y., Edwards, R. C., & Hans, S. L. (2019). Young first-time mothers’ parenting of infants: The role of depression and social support. Maternal and Child Health Journal. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10995-019-02849-7

 

 

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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
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