Physical touch is a great way to connect. For many of us, kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands and sex help us feel a closer bond with our partners. Humans are biologically driven to connect with people physically, and many of us enjoy physical touch as our dominant love language.
Having physical touch as a dominant love language does not necessarily denote a high sex drive. It really just means that appropriate physical touch is how we feel the most connected to our other half.
“Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return.”
-Gary Chapman
Here are six ways to increase the quality of physical touch in your relationship.
1. Use Appropriate Touch to Communicate
Using appropriate physical touch can be a way of expressing not only love, but the other things we feel. We use physical touch to convey support, grief, play, humor, joy, appreciation, attraction, and unity.
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For example, when my husband and I are having a difficult conversation (discussing something that is emotional for one of us, or when we are disagreeing and debating) we hold hands or rest one hand on our partner’s leg. That simple touch helps us connect and makes it easier to see problems not as ‘me vs. him’, but as ‘us vs. problem’. It is an easy reminder that we are not alone in whatever pain or frustration we may be feeling.
2. Make sure that not all physical touch is sexual in nature.
While sex is certainly an important part of romantic relationships, if physical touch is only sexual in nature, it can leave a person feeling objectified. Physical touch is not always meant to be foreplay either. If you find that you expect every long kiss or backrub to lead to sex, you need to reevaluate your expectations. If physical touch is expected to lead to sex each time, it will become less and less frequent, and often less sincere. It can also lead to painful feelings of loss and lack of connection if physical touch is your partner’s dominant love language.
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
Take opportunities to embrace, cuddle, make out, and even flirt or smack your partner’s butt without needing it to go anywhere! Massage your partner’s back or feet, or play with their hair. A nibble on the ear can go a long way too. Physical touch (including sex!) is less about personal pleasure and more about emotional connection.
3. If your relationship (and even sex life) is struggling, there may not be enough touch.
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, “What if I’m just not a toucher? I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.” The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
-Gary Chapman
As humans, we are biologically programmed to need human contact. Human touch creates semiochemical bonding and releases hormones like oxytocin. This semiochemical bonding cements couples together, and the oxytocin makes people pretty happy and excited about that bonding. If there is not enough touch happening, it is hard to feel connected to our partners.
4. Communicate your needs.
If you are not happy with the amount or style of physical touch in your relationship, communicate about it. Be open. If you can be vulnerable enough to be naked in a room together, why can’t you talk about what you need?
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For example: my husband cannot hold hands for very long. When we hold hands, it is only for about a minute at a time. I worried that he did not want to be affectionate in public (something important to me), but his straightforward communication cleared that up. On the other hand, grabbing my butt is off limits if I am in a dress. For whatever reason, if I am in a dress, it just drives me crazy; otherwise, no big deal. I communicated this to him, and he has been perfectly respectful.
Affectionate touch should be enjoyable – we should feel good about it! If we do not, we have a responsibility to speak up. And if our partners communicate to us, we have a responsibility to respond appropriately.
5. Know your partner’s limits.
We all have our own boundaries – things we are uncomfortable with, and things we want and need. Keeping your partner’s limits in mind, and being respectful of those is important.
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6. Emotional safety is just as important as physical safety.
Remember to keep your partner safe. Physical touch has to be appropriate. It can be fun and sexy and gentle and energetic and all kids of things, but if we ever touch our partners in ways that violate their safety, that is not okay. It just isn’t. Physical touch must include a sense of trust and the ability to be vulnerable and comfortable. If those feelings go away, we need to make some changes.
If you are involved in a physically or emotionally unsafe relationship, please get help. We all, regardless of our gender, orientation, history, or any other variable, deserve to be safe and secure in our relationships. Please reach out to a trusted loved one, the police, or other resources in your community for assistance.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
References
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the language of relational maintenance: A validity test of Chapman’s (1992) five love languages. Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19–26. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17464090500535822
Jakubiak, B. K., & Feeney, B. C. (2017). Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: A theoretical model and review of the research. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 21(3), 228–252. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/1088868316650307
Reddan, M. C., Young, H., Falkner, J., López-Solà, M., & Wager, T. D. (2020). Touch and social support influence interpersonal synchrony and pain. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 15(10), 1064–1075. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1093/scan/nsaa048
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
*Photo of Brett and Beatriz Burbank, provided by Remi Stoneman Photography
Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
With Valentine’s Day approaching, we want to teach about Gary Chapman’s five love languages. Many of you already know about love languages, and know what yours are. We are going to be reviewing each of the five love languages over February. This month, we have one goal, and we want you to join us in that goal. For us here at Healthy Humans Project, February is about learning to love our partners their way.
What does that mean?
It is so easy to express love to our partners the way we want to receive love – in a way that is comfortable to us. But are we really loving our partners the way they need us to? While our intentions are good, it may be that we are not loving our partner according to their love language, and therefore, they are not really feeling loved.
A person’s top two love languages are their most important. These love languages are: physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and gifts. I am not going to go into how each of the five languages work right now, so stay tuned, because we will go through all of them this month!
If you have not taken the test, or, if it has been a while, you can take it here.
We have homework for you, and it doubles as a date night:
Guess what your partner’s top two love languages are.
Each of you take the test using the link above (do not help each other).
Talk about your results. Bepositive. (This is not a blaming game!)
Good luck! Tell us about your results, and as always, contact us with any questions.
References
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Bunt, S., & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self‐regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 280–290. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/pere.12182
Gawda, B. (2019). The structure of the concepts related to love spectrum: Emotional verbal fluency technique application, initial psychometrics, and its validation. Journal of Psycholinguistic Research, 48(6), 1339–1361. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10936-019-09661-y
Robinson, M. D., Persich, M. R., Sjoblom-Schmidt, S., & Penzel, I. B. (2020). Love stories: How language use patterns vary by relationship quality. Discourse Processes, 57(1), 81–98. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/0163853X.2019.1627158
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Opinion Piece written by Aubrey-Dawn and Richard Palmer
We recently talked about how sometimes after the honeymoon, and the kids, and the house, and the career come along, our spouse ends up at the bottom of our to-do list. Even we have said to each other, “I’ll kiss you when I finish…” or, “A date is not in the cards this week”. We have also said to each other, “I really need a date.”
Sometimes that means it has been a long week, and we need a break. Sometimes it means we feel disconnected. Sometimes it means we need to play, or relax, or feel sexy, or just get out. In marriage, couples develop a routine. Having a routine is important, but if things become too routine, romantic partners become mundane roommates.
Dating reminds us that we come first. Not me. Not him/her. Us. Work, infertility treatments, bills, errands, volunteer work, and extended family are a few pieces of our crazy lives. But it isn’t really about any of that. We come first, and dating helps us keep that perspective. It keeps us unified, and refreshes and gives us the energy we need to keep up with other demands. It both helps us accomplish our to-do lists, and reminds us who should be at the top of it (pun intended!).
Richard’s experience: “Once we didn’t go on a date for a somewhat long period of time, and there was little reason for me to do anything extra – dress up, perform well at work, or even clean the house. I forgot to do the little things – bringing home a rose, making the bed, or giving her a goodnight kiss. I didn’t joke with her as much, and there wasn’t the same motivation to make her laugh. Obviously I still loved her, and I still did things for her, like rub her back at night to help her fall asleep, but my priorities did change. It was more about serious, ‘life’ stuff, than about our relationship.”
Dates can and must take many forms.
Variety is important. Let dates reflect either the climate of your relationship, or the needs of you and your partner. For example, if the climate of your relationship has been playful, you might go to an arcade, out dancing, or to a sporting event you both enjoy. Or, if you and your partner have had a particularly difficult week, you might get couples massages, or stay home, order takeout, and watch a movie or play games. Our favorite though, is to hike or drive to the top of a mountain, eat dinner, watch the sun set, and talk about absolutely nothing relevant.
Your dating experience needs to be tailored to your relationship, and only you and your partner can do that. Dates can be simple, fancy, long, short, playful, romantic, active, relaxing, cathartic, sexy or a combination of things. You decide, but switch it up.
Balance spontaneous and planned dates.
The difference between the two is the level of commitment. A spontaneous date could look something like this: “On the way home from grocery shopping, why don’t we stop and grab ice cream?” (In case you’re confused, grocery shopping is NOT a date. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t make a little date before or after.) The commitment level is lower, but it also shows that you are thinking of your significant other and that you care enough to buy them that ice cream cone. A planned date might be something like, “I got a reservation to our favorite restaurant and then afterwards we are going to see that play we have wanted to see for so long.” These kinds of dates require a higher level of commitment because you are prioritizing in advance, and thinking more in an us mind set: we love this restaurant, and we have wanted to see this play for a while now. Both are needed and essential to having a successful dating life in marriage.
Photo from pexels.com
Accommodate for differing interests when dating.
While most of the time, dates need to be activities that both parties enjoy, or at least do not detest, occasionally it is important to plan a date that is tailored to the needs of your significant other.
Photo by Matt W Newman on Unsplash
Aubrey-Dawn’s experience: “When I was still in college, I had one particularly stressful semester. My husband knew that I was stressed. I told him that I would be staying late to study. When I came home that evening, I found some of my clothes on the bed with instructions to put them on, which I did. When I went into the kitchen, I discovered that my husband had made dinner, set a beautiful table with a couple of roses, and written me a long, thoughtful note. We ate dinner together, and were able to spend some much needed ‘us’ time. This helped me relax and put my concerns aside, and I was more energized when I returned to my studies the next day. Richard was aware of my needs, and selflessly took the time to plan a date for me. It was simple and inexpensive, but it was what I needed.”
Usually tailoring dates to the needs of your significant other will be a pleasant experience for you as well, since dating is meant to improve the relationship. Remember though, that it is possible to date selfishly. Selfish daters only do activities they enjoy – for them, dating is not about the relationship or unity, but about the activity and their own pleasure. It is okay to have needs and preferences, but it is not realistic to expect dates to fill every need, and it is disrespectful to refuse to go on dates you do not enjoy. The occasional opera or UFC fight will not kill you. But your attitude might kill the date…if you let it.
Again, both spontaneous and planned dates can take many different attitudes: playful, sexy, active, relaxing, etc. And again, a date is not an errand or shop talk. A date is not about your to-do list. It is is about your relationship. The beauty is, we create our relationships. We get to decide. But that doesn’t matter, unless we put ‘us’ first.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
When Joe and Alice (names have been changed) were first married, they spent every minute together. Usually their schedules were the same, but when Alice went out one night, Joe enjoyed a couple of hours of alone time. He felt guilty for enjoying this alone time, and so he said nothing when he realized that he was feeling overwhelmed by all of their togetherness. Alice had the same guilty feeling when Joe went to work on a day she had off.
Another couple, Mike and Sarah (names have been changed) felt that they were becoming no more than distant roommates. Their schedules were opposite. Mike worked at night, and Sarah worked during the day. Medical bills were high, and their schedules were not likely to change. When they did see each other, they were tired, and it was late at night when they were getting ready for bed, or early in the morning when Sarah was getting ready for work.
Photo by Vladimir Kudinov on Unsplash
These two examples – two extremes – illustrate that alone time and together time are both important. Finding a balance between spending time together and alone is essential when it comes to having a healthy relationship.
John Gottman, a leading researcher in couple relationships, says that a minimum of five hours of quality time per week is essential for maintaining healthy romantic relationships. This advice is corroborated by a large amount of research (Benson, 2016). These five hours do not include “shop talk” (conversations about the busy and mundane stuff: work, finances, parenting, etc.). Instead, these five hours are for doing something enjoyable: pillow talk, dinner, a card game, dancing, hiking, shopping, going out to eat, kissing, cooking or something else that members of a partnership enjoy.
Photo by Quinn Eliason
While this time together will help you to get to know each other better, alleviate stress, and deepen your love and commitment, it is perfectly okay to need and want alone time as well. We all need time to rejuvenate, strengthen, and collect ourselves. Spending appropriate amounts of time on our own, without our partner, can increase our ability to be good spouses. Here’s an example from my life.
I love Tuesdays. This is my day off. After I kiss my husband goodbye and he goes to work on Tuesday morning, I put in a couple of loads of laundry, pay bills and do some of the mundane things that need to be done around the house. But I also crank up my favorite 90’s country music, or binge watch one of my favorite shows while I fold laundry, clean, or reorganize some part of the house. I also do something for myself. Sometimes I write in my journal, sometimes I read, and sometimes I work out. I love my husband, but I also love Tuesdays. Because I have taken some productive alone time, by the time my husband comes home, I am ready and excited to see him, and because I have had a good and productive day, he comes home to a happy wife and clean laundry. He kisses me, and then I make sure to give him plenty time to debrief about work (usually twenty minutes or so), and then the remainder of the night is usually reserved for a date. My husband gets alone time on Saturday nights, and allows me the same debriefing time when I get home from work.
Photo by Tia Hall Photography
Sometimes other demands can get in the way of this essential couple time. Children, while important, can sometimes make this time difficult. If you have children, remember that your relationship is more important than your children. Your children exist because of your relationship, and they need to know that your marriage/partnership is important. According to many theories and a lot of research, children model what they see (Jenkins et al., 2005). When children see you cuddling in the living room, or kissing in the kitchen, or going on a date, as well as communicating about your needs and making time for each other, they will exercise similar relationship skills when they are older. They will also be more respectful of you and your partner, because they are watching you respect and care for each other.
Photo by Liza Jane Photography
Take one hour this week to do something you enjoy. The laundry will still be there. So will the dishes. But take an hour to rejuvenate. Then, take some time to be a couple, sans shop talk. Repeat as often as you can.
References
Babcock, J. C., Gottman, J. M., Ryan, K. D., & Gottman, J. S. (2013). A component analysis of a brief psycho-educational couples’ workshop: one-year follow-up results. Journal of Family Therapy, 35(3), 252–280. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/1467-6427.12017
Benson, K. (2016, December 9). 6 hours a week to a better relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/
Cleary Bradley, R. P., & Gottman, J. M. (2012). Reducing Situational Violence in Low-Income Couples by Fostering Healthy Relationships. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 38(Supp S1), 187–198. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00288.x
Jenkins, J., Simpson, A., Dunn, J., Rasbash, J., & O’Connor, T. G. (2005). Mutual Influence of Marital Conflict and Children’s Behavior Problems: Shared and Nonshared Family Risks. Child Development, 76(1), 24–39. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2005.00827.x
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
