Millennials are waiting longer to get married than any other previous generation in history. Why? The answer might surprise you.
On average, Americans are marrying for the first time at age 27 for women and 29 for men. Research suggests there are many reasons for this prolongment, even without taking individual circumstances into consideration. These include: cohabitation as an acceptable societal norm, priority to education and career development, and an emphasis on experiences and self-discovery. But what is keeping millennials from marriage, even more than all of these, is paralyzing fear.
Though marriage seems to be on the back burner, millennials report that marriage is still highly important to them. In fact, young adults regard marriage as so important that the significance of it is what has them paralyzed.
“It’s the most important decision I’ll ever make! I need to be sure I’m with the right person.”
“There are so many things I still want to do before I settle down.”
“What’s the hurry? I have my whole life to be married!”
Sound familiar? As a millennial myself, I hear these phrases often. Can you hear the undertone of fear in these phrases?
“It’s the most important decision I’ll ever make! I need to be sure I’m with the right person.”
Fear of marrying the “wrong” person
“There are so many things I still want to do before I settle down.”
Fear of missing out (FOMO- an acronym coined by Millenials)
“What’s the hurry? I have my whole life to be married!”
Fear of rushing into commitment
The debilitating fear surrounding marriage is understandable. Each of the above phrases highlights a valid reality for the millennial generation. Addressing these fears can help eliminate them and perhaps solve this generational crisis of putting off what we desire most.
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Fear of Marrying the “Wrong” Person
The longer millennials remain single, the more they place marriage on a pedestal, complete with unrealistic expectations and a highly romanticized view of the union. Dr. Spencer James, a researcher in family studies noted, “Many [millennials] believe in a marriage relationship that doesn’t exist and may or may not ever come along.” He continues, “They’re [millennials] delaying it because it’s so important. A stable and healthy marriage feels like the Holy Grail to many.” Fear of making the wrong choice and marrying someone who is not your “perfect match” or “soul mate,” leaves many young adults dissatisfied, lonely and holding out longer and longer for companionship.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
The fear of missing out is rooted in the fact that millennials seem to be trapped between adolescence and adulthood, wanting all the perks of adulthood but the limited responsibilities of adolescence. Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett has coined this dilemma as emerging adulthood. He describes emerging adulthood as a distinct period of identity exploration, a focus on self and excitement for endless possibilities. While previous generations were settling down into home and family responsibilities, millennials are focusing on more individual pursuits such as travel, career, and education. The fear is that these family and individual pursuits are mutually exclusive and cannot go hand in hand.
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Fear of Rushing into Commitment
Marriage is a significant, lifelong commitment and highly valued among millennials. As such, the fear of rushing into this commitment only to fail discourages many millennials from finally tying the knot. With divorce rates at an all-time high, one doesn’t have to look very far to find a failed marriage. Perhaps you yourself were raised in a home affected by divorce. Happy marriages seem unlikely and there seem to be fewer and fewer happy couples to revere. With few positive examples to look to, fear is certain.
Here at the Healthy Humans Project, we believe that while these fears are valid, they are not insurmountable and that happy marriages are possible. We’re here to address these fears and encourage our generation to take the risk of marriage and enjoy the many rewards it has to offer.
What are your fears about marriage? Identify and share them with someone you trust.
Terms:
Emerging adulthood: a distinct period of time between adolescence and adulthood for persons between 18 to 25 years of age
FOMO: Fear of Missing Out (on experiences and opportunities)
Millenial: persons born between the years 1981 and 1996 (those currently 23 to 38 years of age)
References
Carlson, D. L. (2012). Deviations from desired age at marriage: Mental health differences across marital status. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(4), 743–758. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.00995.x
Kuperberg, A. (2014). Age at coresidence, premarital cohabitation, and marriage dissolution: 1985–2009. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(2), 352–369. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jomf.12092
Lissitsa, S. (2019). Perceived optimal marriage age in the Internet era—Findings of a nationwide survey. Marriage & Family Review, 55(2), 126–151. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01494929.2018.1458005
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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Today in the US, divorce happens in about one out of two relationships. Interestingly, many of these relationships that are ending are ones that have made it long past the “seven-year itch”. Over the past few decades, the divorce rate among middle-aged and older adults has more than doubled! And that risk is even higher for couples over the age of 50 who are in second or third marriages.
So what’s the deal? Why are so many couples that have been together for so long breaking things off? A common thread in this so-called “gray divorce” story is that, right around this time, adult children are leaving the house. (Brown & Wright, 2017) Having a newly-empty nest does not increase a couple’s risk for divorce. However, when individuals have been investing the majority of their time and energy into their children rather than their marriage, this time of transition can leave a relationship feeling empty, and a couple feeling like they have grown impossibly far apart over the years. They have kept it up “for the kids”, but that need is no longer there. And what’s the point in staying together if they don’t have anything in common anymore?
It’s tragic that so many couples feel that the 25+ years they have spent together were spent growing apart rather than growing together. The good news is, there are quite a few things you can do RIGHT NOW, no matter the stage in your marriage, to keep your relationship strong and to avoid divorce as you and your partner age along with your relationship.
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1. Put your partner first
You and your spouse are the primary relationship unit in your family. When kids come, it can be really easy to invest all of your time and effort into taking care of and nurturing them. They do, after all, rely entirely on you to help them survive and thrive! However, making sure that your partner knows that they are your #1 priority can help your relationship stay strong and happy. Research has actually shown that making sure your kids know this as well helps them to feel more safe and secure in your home. (Brown, 2010) When they know that mom and dad are invested in each other, they know that their home life is secure and stable. This gives them a safe place to land when dealing with school, friends, and all of the other ups and downs that come with being a kid!
2. Continue dating
Whether you have been together for one month or 25 years, continuing to date your spouse can help you stay close and invested in your relationship. As you continue to date, you continue to learn more about your spouse. You make time to have fun together, and you spend time away from work or the kids to show your spouse that they are important to you.
3. Have frequent sex
Over time, it can be more and more difficult to find time for love-making in our relationships. However, having sex frequently can really keep the “spark” alive in a marriage (no longer making love is often one of the side-effects of growing emotionally apart in marriage). If you find yourselves getting swamped with other “to-do’s” (kids, work, school, friends, etc.), it may be helpful to schedule time in your week for sex. I’m serious, put it in your calendar!
4. Do things together
On top of regular dating, spouses can continue to nurture their relationship simply by just doing things together. Working in the yard, cooking and/or eating together, exercising, playing with the kids, shopping, participating in each other’s hobbies, etc.
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The more time you spend together, the more time you naturally have to get to know each other and deepen your love for one another! Doing regular day-to-day activities together can also help prevent married couples from finding themselves living what relationship professionals call “parallel lives” (being legally married, but for all intents and purposes living separate and disconnected lives). Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to do everything together – alone-time can be really good for all of us – but intentionally spending time living and connecting with your spouse can literally make or break your relationship, now and in the future.
Have a conversation with your partner to check in on how your relationship is doing. Do you feel emotionally close? Do you put each other first? Or could your priorities use some shifting? Choose one of the 4 things listed above to re-commit to your relationship today!
Brown, S. L. (2010). Marriage and Child Well-Being: Research and Policy Perspectives. Journal of marriage and the family, 72(5), 1059–1077. https://doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00750.x
Brown, S. L., & Lin, I. (2012). The Gray Divorce Revolution: Rising Divorce Among Middle-Aged and Older Adults, 1990-2010. The Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences,67(6), 731-741. https://doi:10.1093/geronb/gbs089
Brown, S. L., & Wright, M. R. (2017). Marriage, Cohabitation, and Divorce in Later Life. Innovation in aging, 1(2), igx015. https://doi:10.1093/geroni/igx015
Cowan, P. A., Cowan, C. P., & Mehta, N. (2009). Adult attachment, couple attachment, and children’s adaptation to school: an integrated attachment template and family risk model. Attachment & Human Development, 11(1), 29-46. https://doi:10.1080/14616730802500222
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
As human beings we collectively share the intrinsic desire to be close – to love and to be loved. Here at the Healthy Humans project, we are especially passionate about partner relationships as it is the foundation for a strong family unit as well as happiness and satisfaction throughout the life course.
Whether you are just wading into the waters of courtship, waist deep in the dating scene or have been married for decades, we’ve got you covered! Below are a few of the MANY topics we’ve discussed in the past for whatever stage of life you are in.
Fun Fact:Did you know that the timing of sexual involvement in romantic relationships matters? Although 30-40% of couples report having sex within the first month of their relationship, researchers at Cornell University found that couples who were sexually involved early on in their courtship reported lesser relationship quality (Sassler, et al.,2010).
Fun Fact: Did you know that how you respond to your new spouse predicts both your immediate and future marital happiness? When newlywed conversations commence with anger and resentment, research shows strong correlations for future marital conflict and higher divorce rates. However, when discussions are met with kindness and understanding, your new marriage relationship will flourish as will your happiness and satisfaction.
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Strengthening my Marriage
Remember that “falling out of love” is a myth! Love is a choice and we need to choose our spouse every single day. Often times the necessary tasks of daily living can distract us from what is most important- our marriage! Finding the balance between our relationship and other responsibilities can be challenging. A great place to start is by deliberatelymaking time for each other to strengthen your relationship. When you are together, be sure to turn off autopilot and give your marriage the time and attention it deserves.
Fun Fact: Did you know that people with strong partner relationships actually live longer and have healthier lives?(Gallagher & Waite, 2000). In addition to increased longevity, married couples typically have more wealth and economic assets and have more satisfying sexual relationships than single or cohabiting individuals (Olson & Olson, 2000).
Read a “Power Couples” article with your partner to help you jumpstart a meaningful conversation. Identify a few ways you can strengthen your relationship! Set some goals and check in with each other periodically to evaluate how you’re doing.
References
Gallagher, Maggie., Waite, Linda. (2000) The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially. New York City, Doubleday.
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5. doi:10.2307/353438
Olson, D. H., & Olson, A. K. (2000) Empowering couples: Building on your strengths. Minneapolis: Life Innovations Inc.
Sassler, S., Addo, F. R., & Lichter, D. T. (2012). The Tempo of Sexual Activity and Later Relationship Quality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74, 708-725.
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Psychologists and other social scientists have found over and over that forgiveness is an important part of personal mental health, and that forgiving is more for the forgiver than the forgiven. Forgiveness is an important skill across all personal and family relationships because all of us make mistakes, and all of us have been hurt in one way or another by someone we associate with. Research shows us that in strong relationships, couples forgive more readily, and that forgiveness fosters increased intimacy and trust.
Sometimes, though, it is hard to know what forgiveness really is. And our incorrect perceptions about forgiveness can make the idea a source of even greater mental stress, pain, or even anger. Some of us feel that if we forgive, the other person will not be held accountable. We feel that if we forgive, we are letting things go too much, and allowing ourselves to be mistreated and walked all over. Some of us believe that forgiveness is just moving on entirely and pretending that no wrong was ever committed at all. Not quite. So let me tell you what forgiveness is NOT.
1. Forgiveness is not removing accountability.
Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean that they aren’t responsible for their actions. All actions have consequences, good or bad. You can forgive someone and still not trust them, or still need something from them, or still expect them to make repairs – emotionally or physically.
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
2. Forgiveness is not the same as reparation.
This ties into the previous point. Just because someone has been forgiven, does not mean they are no longer required to own up to the consequences of their actions. It simply means that no grudge is held or vengeance wanted.
3. Forgiveness is not allowing yourself to be a victim.
When we forgive someone for their wrongs, we are not saying, “Please, continue mistreating me.” We are not making ourselves doormats. When we forgive someone, we choose to take responsibility for our emotions and not harbor ill will, but that doesn’t mean that we forfeit the right to advocate for ourselves and our needs. Even with forgiveness, we still have room to state our expectations, be treated with respect, and in the worst cases, end unhealthy relationships.
Photo by Desola Lanre-Ologun on Unsplash
4. Forgiveness is not pretending you’re okay when you aren’t.
It is possible to say, “I forgive you, but this isn’t okay and we need to talk about it.” It is also possible to say, “I am hurt and angered by what was done; I’m not okay. But I want to be.” We can also say, “I want to work through this, but that means some changes need to be made.” Which brings us to my final point.
5. Forgiveness is not an instant event.
Remember that forgiveness, especially for the big offenses, does not always come overnight. Most of us are unable to forgive overnight when we are hurt, especially in the face of traumatic experiences. Forgiveness takes time, and that is absolutely okay. We are not even required to say, “I forgive you.” We are only expected to try – mostly for ourselves.
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We forgive for ourselves as much as for anyone else. By holding a grudge or seeking revenge, we prevent our own growth, mental health and happiness. Forgiveness is a process in which we free ourselves. It is us saying, “I am not okay with what happened, and I have boundaries. But I also do not make room in my life for negative space and grudges. I do not have to power struggle to be happy.”
References
Enright, R. D. (2001). Forgiveness is a choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope. Washington, DC, US: American Psychological Association.
Lopez, S. J., & Snyder, C. R. (2011). Handbook of positive psychology. Oxford: Oxford Univ. Press.
Meek, W., Ph.D. (2012, July 26). Myths of Forgiveness. Retrieved June 4, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/notes-self/201207/myths-forgiveness
McCullough, M. E., & Witvliet, C. V. (2005). The Psychology of Forgiveness (S. J. Lopez, Ed.). In C. R. Snyder (Ed.), Handbook of positive psychology(pp. 448-455). Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Sweet, R. (2001). Forgiveness and Restoration. Retrieved June 4, 2018, from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/forgiveness-and-restoration/forgiveness-what-it-is-and-what-it-isnt
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
We all know that it is important to express love, and many of us do so on a daily basis. But when was the last time that you expressed appreciation?
Saying thank you was something most of us were taught to do as children. But when the to-do lists and the stresses pile up, it is easy to forget those two little words – especially when it comes to our partner.
If you have not sincerely thanked your partner in a while, you might be thinking, “But my partner never does anything. I feel like I am doing all of the work.” Or you might be thinking, “But I work so hard, and I never get any thanks. I am the one who needs the appreciation!” Those may be valid feelings, and you can certainly communicate a need for more appreciation. But just like your parents probably taught you – you can’t control other people, only yourself.
The absence of “thank you” can quickly create burnout.
It is hard for people to feel motivated to work hard in their relationship if they are not appreciated. Burnout is common in my field of work, and after working in a human services capacity for years, I believe that it is even more important in maintaining and protecting a romantic relationship. When we tell our partner that we appreciate them, a specific quality about them, or something they have done, we are telling them that we notice their efforts. When people feel that their efforts are being noticed they are more likely to exert more effort into protecting and nurturing their relationship. In fact, research has shown that gratitude can actually facilitate and encourage other relationship-building behaviors such as spending quality time together! (Bartlett et. al, 2012)
Thank-yous can be simple.
Expressing appreciation needn’t be elaborate. Saying thank you is perfect because it is both incredibly simple and intensely meaningful. It only requires you to notice. It can be as simple as, “Hey, it meant a lot to me that I came home from work to a clean kitchen. Thank you so much for doing that for me.” Or, “Sweetheart, thank you for being so selfless this week. You have done so much for us, and it means a lot to me.” Or even, “I know you didn’t want to come shopping with me tonight, but I really appreciate you coming with me. Thank you for spending time with me.” It can be that simple. It just requires noticing and speaking up.
Create a culture of gratitude in your home.
Ultimately, the more that you practice expressing gratitude for your partner, the more you emphasize it’s importance and the more likely your partner is to express appreciation for you. (Armenta, Fritz, & Lyubomirsky, 2017) Without that culture, people feel unwanted, ignored and unimportant. And that is a terrible feeling to have in a marriage (or any relationship for that matter). When people feel that way, relationships suffer as a result. When people feel appreciated, however, they also feel wanted, needed, noticed and important. And when that happens, individuals and relationships thrive.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, take the opportunity to express appreciation to your spouse twice a day: once for something they do, and once for a quality you appreciate in them. At the end of the week, talk about how you have felt, and commit to keeping a culture of gratitude going in your marriage.
References
Armenta, C. N., Fritz, M. M., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2017). Functions of Positive Emotions: Gratitude as a Motivator of Self-Improvement and Positive Change. Emotion Review, 9(3), 183–190. doi: 10.1177/1754073916669596
Bartlett, M. Y., Condon, P., Cruz, J., Baumann, J., & Desteno, D. (2012). Gratitude: Prompting behaviours that build relationships. Cognition & Emotion, 26(1), 2–13. doi: 10.1080/02699931.2011.561297
Layous K, Sweeny K, Armenta C, Na S, Choi I, Lyubomirsky S (2017) The proximal experience of gratitude. PLoS ONE 12(7): e0179123. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0179123
Leong, J. L. T., Chen, S. X., Fung, H. H. L., Bond, M. H., Siu, N. Y. F., & Zhu, J. Y. (2019). Is Gratitude Always Beneficial to Interpersonal Relationships? The Interplay of Grateful Disposition, Grateful Mood, and Grateful Expression Among Married Couples. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 014616721984286. doi: 10.1177/0146167219842868
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
What are your fears about marriage? Identify and share them with someone you trust. 
