Guest Writers, Power Couples, Single Souls

Staying Connected in a Long-distance Romantic Relationship

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Cover Photo by Vladimir Konoplev 

Written by Annika Finley
 “What are you going to do if you meet someone while you’re in Hawaii?” asked my friend, just a couple days before I left to live there for four months. “You still have over a year left of school in Utah. What would you do?”
When my friend asked me this, I honestly had no answer. I brushed the question off and didn’t think too much about it until two months later, when I met a cute boy at a beach bonfire. We were drawn to each other from the moment we met. Talking to him was so natural, and I loved spending my time with him. A few weeks after meeting we started dating, unsure what we’d do once I left home for Utah in a couple of months.
When I left Hawaii, we thought it would be best to break up since we had no idea when we’d see each other again and since we’d only been dating for about two months. But after ending things, we couldn’t seem to stop talking. We were confused about the distance and it felt nearly impossible to see how we could make things work. This confusion and connection led us to break up and get back together a couple of times before finally deciding to be “all in,” despite the distance.
Photo by Kseniya Budko
Jumping forward in time, the cute boy is now my cute husband, and we now have many months of being in a long-distance relationship under our belt, including a couple of weeks at the beginning of our marriage.
Before my husband and I started dating remotely, I wasn’t aware of the complexities that dating from afar could entail. Whatever the type of romantic distance dating relationship you’re in — whether it be with a boyfriend/girlfriend, a fiancé, or a husband/wife — dating from afar can bring several added challenges to your lives together. However, these challenges don’t mean the relationship needs to end.
Some might wonder, “Is virtual dating really that different from in-person dating now that we can have face-to-face conversations over the phone?” while others might feel the exact opposite, believing that long-distance is too risky and just isn’t worth it.
Research and my own experiences have taught me that dating from a distance can make things more challenging (Tower, 2016). However, strong relationships can grow and be nurtured from afar, just like they can be up close.
Photo by Askar Abayev

The challenges of distance

Long-distance relationships pose unique challenges. For example, the lack of physical touch can be difficult for couples. Physical touch helps cultivate an intense bond in romantic relationships (Chatel-Goldman et al., 2014) and transmits “a sense of being accepted and cared for” (The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 2018), so a lack of physical touch can take a toll on any relationship – even a strong one.
Dating remotely can also cause increased logistical challenges due to living in different time zones (Tower, 2016). I found that my husband and I had to be very intentional about setting aside time to spend with one another, or else it would easily become swallowed up in commitments to other things and people.
Photo by RODNAE Productions
Time differences can also require sacrifices; couples might need to change their normal schedule in order to make time for their partner, and they might miss out on social events back home. There are also costs associated with visiting each other (Tower, 2016), and these costs can add up quickly.
But distance doesn’t mean you have to feel emotionally distant from your love.
While there are struggles that can occur in long-distance relationships, they tend to lead back to the root of the problem: difficulty staying connected (Beckmeyer et al., 2021). There is no easy solution to time zones, a lack of physical touch, or the other problems that might occur due to the distance. However, when we focus on deepening our emotional relationship with our partner, we’ll find that there are ways we can stay connected to our partner, despite the miles between us.
Photo by EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA

Make it fun

If you’re anything like me, it can be easy to fall into a routine of doing the same things over FaceTime each night. Switch things up and make it fun!
One way to keep things fun and to stay connected is to take turns planning creative date nights. The Gottman Institute has found that one of the main reasons a marriage ends is because of a loss of intimacy and connection (Couples Training Institute, n.d.). Since research also shows that people may feel a difficulty staying connected to their partner when they see each other less often (Beckmeyer et al., 2021), it’s important to find ways to stay connected in your relationship so the ocean between you doesn’t make it easy for you to drift apart. Psychology Today teaches us that “regular date nights are one of the best ways to help prevent the ‘silent drift apart’ over time” that can occur between partners (Leyba, 2016).
Photo by cottonbro
If you’re having a hard time coming up with date night ideas, you can visit this website for ways to keep date night intentional and playful and this website for creative remote date night ideas.
Another way to keep things fun is to plan thoughtful surprises for each other. Some of my favorites are:
  • Have a friend who lives near your significant other drop off their favorite treat or something they’ve been craving
  • Send them snail mail. Make it feel like you’re with them by spraying it with their favorite perfume/cologne of yours
  • Text them a poem you’ve written to read first thing in the morning after waking
  • Surprise them with a romantic evening
Photo by Zen Chung

Create rituals

Daily rituals are an important part of any romantic relationship. As an article from The Gottman Institute teaches, rituals help us nurture the positive side of our relationship and help us avoid taking our relationship for granted (McFadden, 2017).
“Daily rituals keep the sense of connection strong in [relationships] and assure that romance, affection, and appreciation are a part of your [relationship] every day.” (McFadden, 2017).
Photo by RODNAE Productions
The Gottman Institute teaches about three different rituals that prevent us from taking each other for granted: reunion rituals, times of undistracted communication, and appreciation rituals. While the article focuses on in-person relationships, these rituals, once slightly adjusted, can have a positive impact on long-distance couples as well.
For example, even when we are apart, my husband and I make sure we end each day with an appreciation ritual. We take time to share something we noticed that day that we appreciate in the other person. This ritual helped us feel connected while we were living apart and still does now that we are together.
Dating remotely requires a lot of intentional effort, just like any serious relationship does. Although virtual dating has challenges unique to the distance, researchers have found that geographically distant and close relationships have similar levels of happiness and commitment (Beckmeyer et al., 2021). When you are apart, find ways to connect, whether by having more fun, creating rituals, or something else. Being intentional about connecting with your significant other will help close the gap that separates you and your love, just like it has for me.
Photo by Arthur Ogleznev

References

Beckmeyer, J. J., Herbenick, D., Eastman-Mueller, H. (2021). Long-distance romantic relationships among college students: Prevalence, correlates, and dynamics in campus probability survey. Journal of American College Health, 1-5. https://doi.org/10.1080/07448481.2021.1978464
Chatel-Goldman, J., Congedo, M., Jutten, C., & Schwartz, J. L. (2014). Touch increases autonomic coupling between romantic partners. Frontiers in behavioral neuroscience, 8, 95. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2014.00095
Couples Training Institute. (n.d.) Gottman Couples & Marital Therapy. http://couplestraininginstitute.com/gottman-couples-and-marital-therapy/
Firmin, M. W., Firmin, R. L., Lorenzen, K. (2014). A qualitative analysis of loneliness dynamics involved with college long-distance relationships. College Student Journal, 48(1), 57-71.
Leyba, E. (2016, January 17th). The 5 Active Ingredients of Date Night. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joyful-parenting/201601/the-5-active-ingredients-date-night
McFadden, P. (2017, October 11th). 3 Daily Rituals That Stop Spouses from Taking Each Other for Granted. https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-rituals-that-stop-spouses-from-taking-each-other-for-granted/
The Family Institute at Northwestern University. (2018, March 22) The Often-overlooked Importance of Physical Intimacy. https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/magic-touch
Tower, R. B. (2016, December 4th). 13 Challenges and Opportunities in Long-Distance Love. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-refracted/201612/13-challenges-and-opportunities-in-long-distance-love

 

Annika Finley is from Holladay, Utah. She has a degree in Family Science from Brigham Young University, and is currently working on grad school applications. She and her husband live in Hawaii and love paddle boarding, exercising, and learning about the beautiful Hawaiian culture. Annika loves spending time with her family and always looks forward to traveling and experiencing new cultures with them. She has a passion for helping others and for being a healing influence in the world.
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Power Couples

“Simply Put, Successful Couples are Attentive”

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Cover photo by Charly Pn on Unsplash

Written by Katrina Voorhees
In 1938, George Vaillant produced an unprecedented, monumental study on what brings happiness in life. Over the course of 70 years and with 800+ participants of men and women, his study analyzed every possible happiness variable from education and health to wealth and prominence. The final consensus? “Happiness equals love—full stop” (Vaillant, 2009). Perhaps this study simply emphasizes what we already know—beyond feeling rich, powerful, popular or even healthy, the most basic need we have is to feel loved. Romantic relationships provide a unique opportunity to know one another and to provide that need. As relational expert John Gottman put it, “Simply put, successful couples are attentive” (Fenske, et al. 2017). 
Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels
Being an attentive couple usually comes easily in the first stages of dating, but if that love and attention is not cultivated and couples are not careful, when stress hits—and it always does—much of the love and affection couples once so easily gave can dissipate. A good question to ask yourself is, how can you continue to be attentive and affectionate even when the pressure mounts? Here are just three ways that can make a world of difference to you and your significant other. 

1. Date night

Cliché, I know, but taking time to get away, just the two of you, is a huge statement. Date night is your time to say, “I see you. I care about you. You matter to me.” It can provide a much-needed break from the monotony of life and allow time to reconnect and stay current in each other’s lives. Research has shown that husbands and wives who engaged in couple time with their partners at least once a week were approximately 3.5 times more likely to report being “very happy” in their marriages, compared to those who enjoyed less quality time with their spouse. This practice must be allowed to continue for couples to thrive (Wilcox & Dew, 2012). 
Photo provided by the author

2. Physical touch

As simple as it may sound, small simple gestures of affection can go a long way in a relationship. Small acts of physical affection—such as holding hands in public, giving back scratches, and tousling their hair—remind your partner that you are there, you are real, and that you have their back. It also shows the rest of the world that you claim them as your own. Obviously, the importance of physical intimacy cannot be overstated here—but often it’s the small gestures of love that keep the fire burning. 

3. Communication

Take some time to talk every day. When couples spend long hours apart, the time they spend alone goes unknown unless they take the time to share about it. Your partner is your outlet, your confidant, your cheerleader, therapist and companion all wrapped into one. Talk about a gift! So take the time to be present with the one you love and connect on an emotional level. Communication is one of the most powerful tools in breaking down the wall between you two and allowing you to become one. 
Photo by Hanna Morris on Unsplash
Think of all the time, attention, and conversation couples create during their first stages of dating. Knowing all the joy that stage of life can bring, it only makes sense that couples work to recreate those same intimate moments and work over a lifetime to help their partner feel loved.
Perhaps Susan Sarandon said it best in her classic movie Shall We Dance:
“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet…I mean, what does one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things…all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’” (Shall We Dance, 2004). 
Choose at least one of the following to do this week:
Surprise your partner with a date night! Bonus points if you can base your activity on something they enjoy doing.
Give your partner a nice back massage. Maybe they’ll even return the favor!
Schedule some time to talk about your day. Ask your partner how they are really doing and make sure you put your phones away and make eye contact! You might find it’s one of the most enjoyable parts of your day.

References

Fenske, S. R. (2017). John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want. New York: Rodale, Inc. $22.99. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(1), 77–78. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2017.1270673
Making Marriage Work | Dr. John Gottman. (2018, January 30). [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKTyPgwfPgg
Toshiko Kaneda. (2020, January 23). How Many People Have Ever Lived on Earth? Population Reference Bureau. https://scorecard.prb.org/howmanypeoplehaveeverlivedonearth/#:%7E:text=Given%20the%20current%20global%20population%20of%20about%207.5,billion%20people%20will%20have%20ever%20lived%20on%20Earth.
Shall We Dance? (2004) | ‘Witness to Your Life’ (HD) – Susan Sarandon, Richard Jenkins | MIRAMAX. (2016, April 13). [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FfW5iTe61k
Vaillant, G. (2009, July 16). Yes, I Stand by My Words, “Happiness Equals Love—Full Stop.” Positive Psychology News. https://positivepsychologynews.com/news/george-vaillant/200907163163
University of Virginia, & Brad Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew, U. (2012). The Date night Opportunity What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Potential Value of Date Nights. University of Virginia. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf

 

Katrina Louise Voorhees is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University where she studies relationships, family and art. She has a beautiful family and an outstanding extended family. She recently married her best friend, Paul Voorhees, who makes her laugh every day. Besides writing and romance she is also crazy about painting, singing, deep conversations, good books and ice cream.
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Power Couples

Choosing to Love

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Cover photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Written by Katrina Voorhees
The rush and excitement that comes from being in love is nothing short of euphoric. The only way to describe it? Heaven on earth. But contrary to popular belief heaven is not found, it is made.  In America, we use the phrase falling in love to describe the act of loving, but as John and Julie Gottman explain in their book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, “Happily ever after is not by chance. It’s by choice” (Gottman, et. al, 2019). 
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
While choosing in love instead of falling in love may not sound as romantic, it is certainly more reliable. If a person were liable to fall out of love as quickly as they fell in it, marriage would be nothing more than a temporary arrangement, a fragile compromise based on feelings of ecstasy and novelty which new romance provides but cannot maintain. No love, no matter how fierce, can survive that. For love to be maintained it must be fostered, nourished, and expanded on a daily basis. 
Said Susan Lyman-Whitney in an article published in the Deseret News, “A second paradigm is ripping through our culture like wildfire—if you don’t feel the love anymore, then why stick around? As a therapist, I hear it all the time: “We just fell out of love.” While love (the noun) may initially bring two people together, it is love (the verb) that makes it last” (Lyman, 1995).
What does love the verb look like? While there is certainly no end to the amount of marriage and love advice out there, here are just eight of the ways to choose love on a daily basis that will bring to pass the kind of happily ever after that couples yearn for.
Photo by Luis Quintero from Pexels

1. Pay attention to bids.

Humans are creatures of connection. Bids for love and affection come in many forms, if we learn to pay attention. They can be as simple as a touch, laughter at a joke, a knowing look, or a pat on the shoulder. If your partner is telling you a story, look them in the eyes and give them your undivided attention. Ask them how their day went and then look for cues about how they really feel. Show them that you really care by being ever-present and anxiously concerned about their wellbeing. If they are hurting, find ways to show empathy. If they are excited, find joy in their joy. When they need love, do not hesitate to fill that need for them (Hildebrand, 2020).

2. Choose to be kind, patient, and forgiving.

Social scientists have found that successful marriage comes down to a few key attributes. Although it may surprise you, kindness takes the lead for the most important factor in any successful marriage. Not far behind come the vital characteristics of patience and forgiveness. That is to say that when we choose in love, we must also choose to give the benefit of the doubt, to look past weak moments and to love in spite of ourselves. Just as doctors treat patients when they are sick and injured, we must treat frailties of the ones we love with patience, realizing that at times the cure they so desperately need is love and kindness (Smith, 2020). 
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

3. Accentuate the good and downplay the bad.

So much of life has to do with our perspective. There are no flawless soulmates, however, as beauticians know, beauty is not found in perfection but rather in the accentuation of positive attributes. Besides that, there is beauty in the resilience that is born of failure. When a child is learning to walk, we do not criticize them for falling, we praise them for getting back up and trying again. Gottman put it this way in his interview with Atlantic: “There’s a habit of mind that the masters have, which is this: They are scanning the social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes (Smith, 2020).
Photo by Migs Reyes from Pexels

4. Practice the principle of lived invitation.

How then, we think, can we ever help our spouses to improve in this life if all we ever do is point out what they are doing right? The principle of lived invitation beckons us to lead by example as we strive to master ourselves first. When a person tells their spouse to live a healthier life, they may feel criticized and hurt, and struggle knowing how to improve. A better tactic would be to live a healthy lifestyle, in which case a spouse will see the desired benefits and know exactly how to follow suit. If the desire to do the same is not inherent, it is not likely that criticism will push them in that direction anyway. If, on rare occasion, criticism is needed, it should be done in private, along with an offer of support and commitment to uphold the same standard of living (Marks, et al. 2016).
Photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash

5. Focus on filling their needs and your needs will be filled.

When we show love to our spouse, they will likely reciprocate our actions and we will also feel the joy that comes from giving, one of the sweetest aspects of romance. The ideal relationships occur when both individuals make the wellbeing of their spouse their highest priority (Hildebrand, 2020).

6. Continue courting one another after marriage.

Don’t stop dating one another. Don’t stop flirting. Make your partner feel desired by you. Don’t stop getting to know them. Continue to make them feel special and spend time with them. Don’t stop dressing up for your spouse. Make an effort to let them know you desire them! Your spouse needs to be held and loved. They need to know that you respect them and that you admire them. They want to know that you are excited to be with them. They need to know that they are successful in their attempts to love you (Bradley, 2014).
Photo by Scott Broome on Unsplash

7. Seek for interdependence not independence.

So much of the bliss found in relationships is found in working together towards a higher goal than self. Best-selling author Stephen Covey defines interdependence as people, “combining their efforts with the efforts of others to achieve their greatest success.” Covey states that, as an interdependent person, “I have the opportunity to share myself deeply, meaningfully, with others, and I have access to the vast resources and potential of other human beings” (Covey, 1999). People who work interdependently contribute equally so that a much larger goal is accomplished by the team than would be possible by any one team member alone. Happiness may be found in the expansion of self, but joy is found in the expansion of others, in true teamwork. 

8. Lower your expectations.

This last one may surprise you, but it is nonetheless true. Any business professional will teach you to under-promise and over-deliver. This is because when we expect perfection, we will ultimately be disappointed. If, on the other hand, we expect to love and be loved in return, we can almost always meet that expectation. 
Photo by Hian Oliveira on Unsplash
Most of the best things in life come not by chance, but by choice. Love is no exception, although the concerted effort marriage takes will last a lifetime, unlike other pursuits which come and go. For those of you who are single, I invite you to choose now to love those around you, to choose to see the best in others and to practice giving others the benefit of the doubt. And for those who are married, my invitation is to wake up every morning and choose your spouse. You chose them once, choose to remember why. You fell in love once, allow yourself to do it again, because as John Gottman (2019) put it, “Love is a choice that you make every morning when you wake up. It’s the decision to choose to cherish your partner, especially when you don’t feel like it. It’s in these times, in particular, that your partner likely needs your love the most. In truly healthy marriages, each partner wakes up in the morning, and makes the decision to purposefully practice and cultivate more love for their spouse.”

Pick one of these ways to “choose in love” this week:
– Figure out a way to serve your spouse every day, make them smile.
– Listen to understand, ask questions that let your spouse know you care about how they feel
– Find room for uninterrupted quality time together every day this week – even if it’s just 15 minutes
– Stop with the comparisons – choose your love and love your choice

References

Bradley, J. F. (2014). Courtship Must Continue After Marriage (Make Your Marriage Work, Solve Your Marital Problems, Add Spice To Your Marriage & Live A Happy Married Life) (Volume 3) (1st ed.). CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Covey, S. R. (1999). The 7 habits of highly effective people. London: Simon & Schuster.
Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J. S., Abrams, D., & Abrams, R. C. (2019). Eight dates: Essential conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Workman.
Hildebrand, S., MA, LPC. (2020, September 08). How Emotional Bids Impact Your Relationship (1149530127 864440887 J. Jaspan MS, LPC, Ed.). Retrieved January 11, 2021, from https://thelightprogram.pyramidhealthcarepa.com/emotional-bids/
Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2016). Religion and Families: An Introduction (Textbooks in Family Studies) (1st ed.). Routledge.
Smith, E. E. (2020, May 12). The Secret to Love Is Just Kindness. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/
Sparks, C. (2020, December 11). Top 10 Gottman Relationship Blog Posts of 2019. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/top-10-gottman-relationship-blog-posts-of-2019
Susan Lyman, S. L. (1995, June 7). The Good Marriage. Deseret News. https://www.deseret.com/1995/6/7/19216707/the-good-marriage

 

Katrina Louise Voorhees is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University where she studies relationships, family and art. She has a beautiful family and an outstanding extended family. She recently married her best friend, Paul Voorhees, who makes her laugh every day. Besides writing and romance she is also crazy about painting, singing, deep conversations, good books and ice cream.

 

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Power Couples

Gift-Giving and Valentine’s Day: Why the pressure?

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Though Valentine’s Day is a day to share and express love to significant others, it also carries the obligation for romance and gift-giving which can be stressful, particularly to men (Otnes, et al., 1994). Gift-giving is symbolic. Gifts are representations of the emotions and meanings we attach to our relationships and the people we share them with (Ward & Broniarczyk, 2011). The awareness of this symbolism (even if subconscious) combined with the obligation surrounding Valentine’s Day, can increase the pressure.

Why the anxiety?

Questions of whether gifts are sufficient, significant and meaningful enough actually call into question our sense of identity. Believe it or not, when we give gifts, we are outwardly expressing our identities. In fact, studies have shown that people buy gifts that are congruent with their identity, and when they buy gifts contrary to that representation, even mildly (like a gift on someone’s registry), they experience anxiety and question their sense of identity security. This is why we experience stress around gift-giving (Ward & Broniarczyk, 2011).
white-black-and-red-person-carrying-heart-illustration-in-867462
Photo from pexels.com
Naturally, the gift-receiver experiences anxiety when a gift from someone doesn’t match their identity. Receivers of gifts are expected to be polite and accepting. Gifts are generally a representation of what someone thinks of us. When we receive a gift that is an identity mismatch, we question why the giver gave us that particular gift, usually subconsciously (Ward & Broniarcyzk, 2011, Ruffle, 1999). Receiving gifts is emotional: while surprise and joy are examples of the ideal, pride, embarrassment or disappointment are also emotions receivers may have to navigate (Ruffle, 1999).

But gifts are still important, so…

Having said all of this, gifts are also a lot of fun and can be incredibly meaningful. Gifts are a manifestation of intimacy, and receiving gifts that depict that furthers a sense of connection and intimacy with partners (Ward & Broniarcyzk, 2011 & Otnes, et al., 1994). Here are a few simple ways to lessen the pressure around Valentine’s Day gifts.
man-carrying-woman-1464565
Photo from pexels.com
1. Simple is often better. Don’t worry about making things extravagant. The thought behind a gift is often more important than the gift itself.
2. Stick to a budget but balance that with sacrifice. People report that gifts a person sacrificed for (not in money necessarily but through time or in the form of service) can be particularly meaningful (Otnes, et al., 1994, Ruffle, 1999). It’s okay to be low-cost, but don’t be cheap. I don’t just mean cheap in terms of dollar signs, but in terms of time and thought. It’s always obvious when someone didn’t put thought into what is supposed to be a meaningful gift.
3. Valentine’s Day is the day to be sentimental and representational, so think about favorite memories or qualities you love about your significant other. Symbols of your relationship are particularly meaningful, dare I even say romantic. Like I said, these things can be simple. If my husband bought me a sleeve of Maria’s cookies and a 2 liter of grape soda and took me to a park to look at the stars or watch fireworks, that wouldn’t mean anything to you, but it would be very special to me.
4. Include self-gifts in your plans (Otnes, 1994). This doesn’t mean be selfish. Planning activities and food you both enjoy can take the pressure off of activities. This principle, not just romance, is part of why couples enjoy sex as a common part of Valentine’s Day festivities (Otnes et al., 1994).
5. If you know that Valentine’s Day or gift-giving creates stress for your partner, give them ideas. Be specific about what you do and don’t want.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy connecting!
Personal Practice 1Enjoy this Valentine’s Day by making gift-giving meaningful and practicing letting go of the pressure.

References

Morse, K. A., & Neuberg, S. L. (2004). How do holidays influence relationship processes and outcomes? Examining the instigating and catalytic effects of Valentine’s Day. Personal Relationships, 11(4), 509–527. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00095.x
Otnes, C., Ruth J.A., & Milbourne, C.C. (1994). “The Pleasure and Pain of Being Close: Men’s Mixed Feelings About Participation in Valentine’s Day Gift Exchange”, in NA – Advances in Consumer Research Volume 21, eds. Chris T. Allen and Deborah Roedder John, Provo, UT: Association for Consumer Research, Pages: 159-164.
Ruffle, B. J. (1999). Gift giving with emotions. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 39(4), 399–420. https://doi-10.1016/s0167-2681(99)00048-7
Ward, M. K., & Broniarczyk, S. M. (2011). It’s Not Me, It’s You: How Gift Giving Creates Giver Identity Threat as a Function of Social Closeness. Journal of Consumer Research, 38(1), 164–181. https://doi-10.1086/658166

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Power Couples, Single Souls

4 Qualities You Should Look For in a Mate

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Written by Rian Gordon
The first date, the first kiss, the first “I love you”… When you are searching for a romantic partner, it can be really easy to get lost in the moments that make up falling in love. There’s a reason why they say “love is blind”. With all of the rushing hormones that tend to make up the start of a new relationship, it’s no wonder that so many of us find ourselves in relationships with less-than-ideal partners time and time again! So, how do you prevent yourself from falling for someone that may not be good for you in the long run?
Here are four qualities that research has suggested are important to look for (and develop!) if your goal is to have a healthy and happy relationship.

1. Sense of Self

Having a strong sense of self is incredibly important when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy relationships. While Platonic philosophy (and Hollywood, for that matter) would have us believe that there is a perfect soulmate or “other half” for us somewhere out in the world, the reality is that relationships do not complete us (Van Epp, 2008). Healthy relationships consist of two whole people (as whole, of course, as we can be in our imperfect human world) coming together to create something bigger than just the two of them. Now, a strong sense of self does not mean that you have to know exactly what you want in life or how you will get there; many of us meet our partners when we are young, and still trying to get a handle on life! It does mean, however, that you have a pretty good idea of how you relate to the world – you have goals, values, and ideals, and you feel positively about who you are at your core. Having a strong sense of self sets you up for an equal partnership and a relationship between two whole people, confident in their ability to navigate and conquer life together. 
man-kisses-and-hugs-the-woman-2346781
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2. Empathy

Empathy is a skill that helps in building trust, deepening connection, increasing understanding, and even resolving conflict. Studies have also found that empathy is positively related to overall relationship satisfaction (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010; Sened et al., 2017), and can help in decreasing depression (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010). When you are in a relationship for the long-haul, you want someone who is going to listen with love, and who will do their best to see things from your perspective, whether or not they agree. Practicing empathy for one another will really help you and your partner as you seek to support one another in your personal and couple goals and dreams, and as you face difficulties together (something that comes in every long-term relationship!).

3. Respects Boundaries

Boundaries create safety in relationships, and safety is critical in any stage of a relationship. In fact, you have to feel safe in order to experience real and meaningful connection! When our minds and bodies feel safe, it “enables us to collaborate, listen, empathize, and connect, as well as be creative, innovative, and bold in our thinking and ideas” (Boeder, 2017). A lack of physical safety (feeling safe from any form of physical danger, including abuse), emotional safety (feeling safe to be open with someone emotionally), or commitment safety (feeling safe in your relationship and trusting that your partner is committed to you) prevents growth in the relationship, and can even lead to serious pain or trauma. If you don’t feel safe with someone, you cannot be yourself around them. If your date or partner does not respect your boundaries, they are not worthy of your trust or your time. 
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Photo by Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash

4. Emotional Intelligence

Emotions are a part of every-day life, and, when it comes to feelings, relationships bring the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004), and is a trait that is positively associated with relationship satisfaction (Malouff, Schutte, & Thorsteinsson, 2013; Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013) as well as better mental health (Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013). Someone who is emotionally intelligent allows themselves to feel emotions that are both “positive” and “negative”, but doesn’t get stuck in these emotions forever. They have positive coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions, and they can also separate their own emotions from the emotions of those around them. Finding a partner who knows how to identify, express, and work through their emotions in a positive and productive way will be a major asset as you both navigate the ups and downs of life and committed relationships. Read more about emotional intelligence in relationships in other HHP articles here, here, and here.

But how can you REALLY tell?

These traits are not always easy to identify in everyone you meet, especially if you are just first getting to know someone. So how can you really tell if someone possesses these essential qualities? One answer is T+T+T: Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time (Van Epp, 2008). In general, the more time you spend with someone, the better you get to know them. However, time alone does not ensure a deep or real knowledge of who someone is at their core. The other two elements are key in knowing who someone really is. Make sure that when you are searching for a mate, you spend a significant amount of time together in a wide variety of situations, and that you are both sharing about yourselves in a way that is proportionate to the level of time and trust in your relationship.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Golden Rule

Therapist and author Dr. John Van Epp says, “Being the best person you can be is the first step in building a healthy relationship” (Van Epp, 2008). You can’t expect to find a partner who has a strong sense of self, is empathetic, respects your boundaries, and has emotional intelligence if you yourself are not working on developing the same qualities! The good news is, these are traits you can LEARN and PRACTICE. You do not have to be perfect in each of these traits in order to make an eligible partner. However, actively working towards improving in each of these areas guarantees improvement in any of your relationships (not just your romantic ones), and ensures that you will be ready when the right partner who has also been working on developing themself comes along!
Personal Practice 1It’s important to develop in yourself traits that you would like to find in a mate! Choose one of these four traits you would like to work on developing in yourself, and set one or two goals to help you with this development. 

References

Boeder, E. (2018, February 16). Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-safety-is-necessary-for-emotional-connection/.
Cramer, D., & Jowett, S. (2010). Perceived empathy, accurate empathy and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(3), 327–349. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509348384
Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Trait Emotional Intelligence and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 42(1), 53–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2012.748549
Mayer, John D., “What is Emotional Intelligence?” (2004). UNH Personality Lab. 8. Retrieved from https://scholars.unh.edu/personality_lab/8  
Sened, H., Lavidor, M., Lazarus, G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Rafaeli, E., & Ickes, W. (2017). Empathic accuracy and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 742–752. https://doi/10.1037/fam0000320
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Increasing Emotional Intelligence through Training: Current Status and Future Directions. The International Journal of Emotional Education 5(1), 56-72.
Van Epp, J. (2008). How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind. New York: McGraw-Hill.

 

4B3A0538editRian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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