Researchers John and Julie Gottman have observed thousands of couples in order to try and get down to the bottom of what makes a successful and long-lasting couple relationship. Through these observations, they have found that “happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions” (Lisitsa, 2018). He calls this act of turning towards your partner, making an “emotional bid”, or in other words, making an effort to connect with your partner in some way. Making and responding positively to these emotional bids increases commitment, connection, and trust in a relationship — essential components of relationships that last. In this post, I want to talk about a specific type of emotional bid that can automatically deepen your relationship with your significant other.
Help! (I Need Somebody…)
One emotional bid that we should frequently be making when it comes to our romantic partner is asking them for help. This can be help with daily tasks, emotional help, help in staying accountable for a goal we have, help looking for something we’ve lost, even help in the form of asking our partner to pray for us (something that research has shown is incredibly beneficial for relationships). No matter what it’s for, asking our partner for help when we need it turns us towards them, and gives them an opportunity to feel wanted and needed by us.
Photo by Alex Holyoake on Unsplash
Asking for help can be vulnerable. From infancy we are working towards becoming independent human beings that survive and function on our own. As we become more independent, asking for help can be viewed in our minds as weak, unnecessary, or even bothersome to those around us. The truth is, however, WE NEED EACH OTHER. We simply cannot function entirely on our own in life, and our partner is an excellent built-in resource for us to receive help of all kinds. Asking for help creates space for vulnerability and connection, which are both crucial elements of strong relationships. It fosters closeness, and allows the helper to increase in confidence, which makes them more likely to share thoughts and feelings with their partner. It also requires humility, which is a helpful and important trait in all relationships.
Equal Partnership
Not only can our partner give us help that we may desperately need, but the simple act of asking them for help also sets a precedent in the relationship for equal partnership. Healthy relationships involve give and take. Both asking for help and in turn helping your partner creates interdependence in your relationship, and teaches you that you can rely on each other. It helps you move forward as a couple, and both emotionally and physically support one another in your individual and couple goals.
Photo by Laura Margarita Cedeño Peralta on Unsplash
One reason that we may be reluctant to ask our partner for help is because of the false relationship belief that someone who knows us well should be able to read our mind and know when we need something from them. This may sound silly, but many of us have fallen prey to this false “romantic” notion! Unless you are married to a medium, your partner is not going to be able to read your mind, even after years and years together. This assumption is actually detrimental to relationships, as it sets up unrealistic expectations for our partner. Over time and the more you get to know each other, the better you may be able to read each other’s signals, but it is NEVER realistic to expect your significant other to read your mind and know exactly what you need. Asking for help can increase the likelihood that your needs will actually be met rather than be missed by your partner.
Remember…
It is important to realize that our partner will not be able to fill every single need that we have. That is why it is necessary for us to maintain the other relationship networks we have in our lives with family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. even after we find our “one-and-only”. However, work to recognize opportunities in your daily life where you might be able to ask your partner for help rather than turning towards someone else. This is something I have personally been working on in my relationship, since my dad has been my go-to fix-it-man for my entire life. If something is ever broken, I just ask my dad for help and he can usually fix it. I’ve realized, however, my natural tendency to just ask dad has occasionally deprived my husband of opportunities to learn how to fix something, or to even use the skills that he already has to help me. My husband is an incredibly capable individual, and asking him for help rather than using my dad as an automatic resource shows him that I trust in his abilities, and that I want and need him in my life.
Now, if you’re on the receiving end of this emotional bid, it’s up to you to TURN TOWARDS your partner, whether or not you can actually help them in that moment. Sometimes you aren’t able to help, and that is okay! But acknowledging your partner’s bid, and letting them know that you love them and care about them is essential.
This week, think of something you need help with, and ask your partner to be the one to help you with it!
References
Bella M. DePaulo & Jeffrey D. Fisher (1980) The Costs of Asking for Help, Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 1:1, 23-35, DOI: 10.1207/s15324834basp0101_3
Lambert, Nathaniel & Fincham, Frank & C. LaVallee, Dana & Brantley, Cicely. (2012). Praying Together and Staying Together: Couple Prayer and Trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality. 4. 1-9. 10.1037/a0023060.
Ogolsky, B. G., Monk, J. K., Rice, T. K. M., Theisen, J. C., & Maniotes, C. R. (2017). Relationship Maintenance: A Review of Research on Romantic Relationships. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(3), 275-306. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12205
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
As young couples, we are often pressed to begin planning for financial stability in retirement as soon as possible. Couples sit down and discuss whether or not they want to use Traditional or Roth IRA’s, to participate in a 401k, or to invest in real estate or stocks. They decide together how much they want to contribute to their plan each month or year, and they regularly revisit the topic to make sure they are on track for meeting their financial needs in retirement.
But most couples are not taught about the effect of retirement on marital satisfaction, or how to plan ahead for maintaining marital stability through the transition into retirement. For the majority of couples, marital satisfaction tends to decrease temporarily for up to 3 years after retirement, but retirement’s impact on marital satisfaction is more about the process of retirement than just simply being retired (Moen, Kim, & Hofmeister, 2001). When couples are preparing for marriage or having a baby, there is an understanding that it is going to take time to transition into new roles, schedules, and priorities. The same goes for retirement; it is a life event that will re-define and impact a relationship in many ways. If couples keep this in mind as they plan for retirement, they will be better prepared to handle both the expected and unexpected changes that will come. They may also find greater patience for themselves and their spouse and can have a positive outlook as they go through this tough transition together (Higginbottom, Barling, & Kelloway, 1993).
Achieving marital satisfaction post-retirement
Many articles online or in magazines give couples advice for relighting the spark in their marriage during retirement. Tips such as going on dates, asking get-to-know-you questions, and trying new things together are common. Yet few of those tips seem to be supported by research. Instead, the majority of research about having high marital satisfaction during retirement involves things that need to occur or are already a pattern before retirement. Here are five main conversations and patterns couples can develop early on to prepare for a satisfying marriage in retirement:
1. Create a definition of retirement that works for your marriage.
The word retirement often brings to mind images of golf courses, summer homes, traveling, bucket lists, and most importantly, the lack of work. But careers are getting shorter and the ability to save enough money for retirement is getting harder. Researchers are finding that retirement is starting to look different for everyone and can include starting second or even third careers, working part-time or full-time, volunteering, etc. (Moen, Kim, & Hofmeister, 2001). Being open to employment during retirement and other regular activities that create demand for each partner’s time and talents can help individuals and couples maintain a sense of purpose that is sometimes lost with the “I finally get to do whatever I want” mentality of the traditional definition of retirement. A new definition of retirement may also help couples decide to “retire” at the same time. Some research indicates that while couples who only have one retired spouse experience the lowest marital satisfaction during the retirement transition, while couples who retire at the same time have the highest marital satisfaction (Lang, 2001). Perhaps both partners will want to start new careers, or one will start a new career while the other works part-time and puts energy into an old or new hobby that they previously didn’t have time for. Whatever definition you decide on together, find a way to make room for each partner’s personal post-retirement desires and be supportive of each other.
Photo from pexels.com
2. Talk about how each spouse expects roles to change or stay the same during retirement.
Even when retirement still involves employment, schedules may change and spouses may find that they are more available in helping out with their partner’s responsibilities. In particular, many husbands who retire begin to participate more in household labor. While some research shows that wives are grateful for the help, other research has found that wives may feel as though their territory and routines are being invaded (Trudel, Villeneuve, Anderson, & Pilon, 2008). After years of maintaining a status quo, it can be difficult to change who does what and how they do it. Household labor division is an especially challenging topic, but if couples sit down and talk about their expectations for post-retirement roles and responsibilities, the transition through these changes may be significantly easier (Kulik, 2001).
3. Work together to maintain a social network of friends.
While maintaining close friendships is important for both spouses, husbands will particularly benefit from having a social network apart from their spouse (Han, Kim, & Burr, 2019). Wives can help encourage husbands to go out with friends and be supportive of spending some time apart from each other. Couples can also make it a joint priority to build friendships with other couples and socialize in groups regularly. Having a social network that extends beyond the marriage is important for individual mental health and for positive interactions between spouses. Making time for friends needs to be a priority early on in and throughout a marriage, otherwise, couples may make it to retirement and realize they have no social network. It is easier to maintain a social network or be in the habit of socializing than it is to start building one from scratch at an older age.
4. Pay attention to shared and solitary activities that bring joy and excitement into your lives.
People often have some go-to activities that bring happiness and possibly even respite from the daily grind of life. Some of these activities may require solo participation while others are best done with a spouse, a close friend, or a group of friends. Making a conscious effort to identify how these different activities impact the individual and the couple, and continuing to prioritize a variety of activities (shared and solitary) throughout early marriage and the retirement process is important for relationship success (Fitzpatrick, & Vinick, 2003).
Photo from pexels.com
5. Strive for high marital satisfaction throughout your marriage.
The number one finding that nearly every study I read had in common was that marital satisfaction after retirement almost directly mirrors marital satisfaction before retirement. Couples who have high marital satisfaction before retirement will continue to be highly satisfied with their marriage, while those who have low marital satisfaction will continue to be unsatisfied with their marriage (Fitzpatrick, & Vinick, 2003). This is where those tips on dating and getting to know each other come in handy. Positive and healthy marriage patterns need to start early in marriage and be maintained in order for them to matter during retirement.
Financial planning and preparing for retirement is expected to begin decades before retirement actually happens, and it should be the same for having a healthy and happy marriage in retirement. Couples can start actively planning early on for how they want their marriage to look post-retirement, and what kind of retirement experience they want to have together. Most importantly, couples should commit to having that type of marriage and experience now.
If you were retiring today, what would your ideal retirement look like? Are you completely retired from employment, or do you want to try a new line of work? Are you volunteering in your own community, or traveling? Do you want to pick up a new hobby, or devote your time to a long-loved talent? Write it down. Now write out 2-3 alternate situations that look different from your ideal and consider how could find satisfaction if your retirement looked more like one of these alternatives. Discuss what you have written down with your partner.
References
Fitzpatrick, T. R., & Vinick, B. (2003). The impact of husbands’ retirement on wives’ marital quality. Journal of Family Social Work, 7(1). 83-100. doi: 10.1300/J039v07n01_06
Han, H. S., Kim, K., & Burr, J. A. (2019). Friendship and depression among couples in later life: The moderating effects of marital quality. Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences, 74(2). 222-231. doi: 10.1093/geronb/gbx046
Higginbottom, S. F., Barling, J., & Kelloway, K. E. (1993). Linking retirement experiences and marital satisfaction: A mediational model. Psychology and Aging, 8(4). 508-516.
Kulik, L. (2001). The impact of men’s and women’s retirement on marital relations: A comparative analysis. Journal of Women and Aging, 13(2). 21-37. doi: 10.1300/J074v13n02_03
Lang, S. (2001). How retirement affects marriages. Human Ecology. 24.
Moen, P., Kim, J. E., & Hofmeister, H. (2001). Couples’ work/retirement transitions, gender, and marital quality. Social Psychology Quarterly, 64(1). 55-71. doi: 128.187.116.8
Trudel, G., Villeneuve, V., Anderson, A., & Pilon, G. (2008). Sexual and marital aspects of old age: An update. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 23(2). 161-169. doi: 10.1080/14681990801955666
Sammi Trujillo is nearing the completion of her Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University. She has been married for over seven years and is the mother of two young children. Sammi loves teaching about strong marriages, healthy sexuality, and positive pregnancy and birth. Her passion for writing began in junior high and includes both public scholar writing and creative writing. She is currently working on her first novel and works as a public scholar writer for BYU.
As human beings we collectively share the intrinsic desire to be close – to love and to be loved. Here at the Healthy Humans project, we are especially passionate about partner relationships as it is the foundation for a strong family unit as well as happiness and satisfaction throughout the life course.
Whether you are just wading into the waters of courtship, waist deep in the dating scene or have been married for decades, we’ve got you covered! Below are a few of the MANY topics we’ve discussed in the past for whatever stage of life you are in.
Fun Fact:Did you know that the timing of sexual involvement in romantic relationships matters? Although 30-40% of couples report having sex within the first month of their relationship, researchers at Cornell University found that couples who were sexually involved early on in their courtship reported lesser relationship quality (Sassler, et al.,2010).
Fun Fact: Did you know that how you respond to your new spouse predicts both your immediate and future marital happiness? When newlywed conversations commence with anger and resentment, research shows strong correlations for future marital conflict and higher divorce rates. However, when discussions are met with kindness and understanding, your new marriage relationship will flourish as will your happiness and satisfaction.
Photo from pexels.com
Strengthening my Marriage
Remember that “falling out of love” is a myth! Love is a choice and we need to choose our spouse every single day. Often times the necessary tasks of daily living can distract us from what is most important- our marriage! Finding the balance between our relationship and other responsibilities can be challenging. A great place to start is by deliberatelymaking time for each other to strengthen your relationship. When you are together, be sure to turn off autopilot and give your marriage the time and attention it deserves.
Fun Fact: Did you know that people with strong partner relationships actually live longer and have healthier lives?(Gallagher & Waite, 2000). In addition to increased longevity, married couples typically have more wealth and economic assets and have more satisfying sexual relationships than single or cohabiting individuals (Olson & Olson, 2000).
Read a “Power Couples” article with your partner to help you jumpstart a meaningful conversation. Identify a few ways you can strengthen your relationship! Set some goals and check in with each other periodically to evaluate how you’re doing.
References
Gallagher, Maggie., Waite, Linda. (2000) The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially. New York City, Doubleday.
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5. doi:10.2307/353438
Olson, D. H., & Olson, A. K. (2000) Empowering couples: Building on your strengths. Minneapolis: Life Innovations Inc.
Sassler, S., Addo, F. R., & Lichter, D. T. (2012). The Tempo of Sexual Activity and Later Relationship Quality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74, 708-725.
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
A few weeks ago I asked my mom probably one of the most vulnerable questions I have ever asked her to answer: “Do you ever regret marrying dad?”
The question sounds far more dramatic than it is: I am not aware of any earth-shaking quarrels, abuse, heartache, or what have you in my parent’s relationship. They have been pretty happily married for over 30 years.
The question came about because of one simple fact: my parents do not hold the same religious beliefs.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Has this difference brought regret to my parents’ marriage? Can two individuals with differing core beliefs make a relationship last? And is it even worth it?
In the article “Psychology Finally Reveals the Answer to Finding Your Soulmate”, Dr. Ted Hudson of the University of Texas answers this question simply, “…a successful relationship does not hinge its posterity on how alike you are, instead it hangs on by the sheer will power and want to stay in a relationship.” The author elaborates further by saying, “…it’s not who you are or what you do that will prolong or help you find the perfect mate. It’s how you speak to each other, how well you get along, and how you move through time together.”
My mom answered similarly. While she acknowledged that the difference in religious beliefs has sometimes been difficult, she loves my dad, and she loves the good man he is. She also noted that while she chose to marry someone who didn’t share her same religious convictions, she has seen other couples begin their marriages with mirrored beliefs, only to have one change their beliefs later. As Dr. Hudson said, relationships last through “the sheer will power and want to stay in a relationship” more than through shared core beliefs—though that certainly may help.
Photo from pexels.com
There are countless other core beliefs that partners could disagree on, including beliefs about politics, finances, parenting, and more. One of the most important ways to approach these differing beliefs is simply through respect—and that includes accepting your partner’s viewpoints and beliefs without trying to change them (for other ideas on how to approach the topic of core beliefs, read Aubrey-Dawn’s article here).
Regarding couple communication in the midst of conflict, Dr. Marni Feuerman states that couples should consider how “each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner’s dreams, which often amounts to fulfilling a core need regarding the issue at stake. Those couples who successfully navigate a recurring problem in their relationship [or, I might add, an enduring difference in core beliefs] have learned to express acceptance of their partner’s personality, and they can talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of each other’s position on the issue.”
Approaching differing core beliefs with respect, communication, and even curiosity creates an opportunity for greater understanding and empathy in any relationship, and can particularly foster greater emotional attachment within the couple relationship. What are some ways that you’ve grown closer in your relationships (friendship/dating/marriage/etc.) despite —or even because of— differing core beliefs?
Kelley, H. H., Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2020). Uniting and dividing influences of religion in marriage among highly religious couples. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 167–177. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/rel0000262.supp (Supplemental)
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
I sat down months ago and began to write a post titled #relationshipgoals – An article for the new year to inspire us all to set goals to improve our relationships. The title was nothing more than a clever idea I had pulled from a hashtag I had seen many times on social media. The more I looked into the hashtag, however, the less it seemed to fit with the mission and purpose of the Healthy Humans Project.
I’ve since learned that #relationshipgoals or #goals are both used all over the internet by people looking at a snapshot into the life of someone else – and wanting that for themselves. It goes beyond just wanting, though. In many of these instances, the attitude behind the hashtag is more of a focus on what we lack as opposed to what we would like to become in our relationships.
(It’s easy to look at photos like these and blame the publisher for the way it makes us feel about ourselves and our relationships. This is not fair. It is not their fault when we are the ones following and comparing ourselves to them.)
Comparison: The Thief of Joy
If you are involved in the world of instagrammer and blogger “influencers,” you may have noticed a change in the conversation over the last week. Influencers from all over are looking at the rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide in the United States and are starting to look inward to see how the perceived life of perfection portrayed in their feed might be adding to the negativity epidemic.
Photo by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash
A call for awareness and greater authenticity has been ringing through my instagram feed over the last 4 days, and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down. The realization is this: Instagram, blogs and other social media platforms have become a place of showcasing snapshots of our best angles, our funniest stories, the cleanest areas of our houses, and the best moments in our relationships. From the outside looking in, the 5% “reality” we see on social media is the epitome of perfection; and when compared with what we see in our own 100% reality, our lives are ALWAYS going to fall short. Every. Single. Time. Can you see how this might be detrimental?
Some adults have the skill and ability to be able to make the distinction and utilize the inspiration of others in healthy ways. But based on the numbers we see and the effects of mainstream media, the unfortunate reality we are facing must be that more and more of us every day can not make the distinction between the 5% and our 100%. We are falling victim to the effects of what I like to call the “instagram epidemic”. The impact on individuals can be life threatening (recent findings by researcher Dr. Jean Twenge have shown that there was a 50% increase in clinical depression between 2011 and 2015, and a substantial increase in child, teen, and young adult suicide rates), and the impact on relationships may be just as bad.
3 Ways to Protect Yourself From The Epidemic:
1. Unfollow Go through your social media and unfollow any account that makes you feel less about yourself, your life, or your relationship. It is easy to place blame on outside sources for our own lack of judgement. The truth of the matter is that the power is in YOUR hands. Only YOU can control your happiness.
Photo by Tomos Kay Photography
2. Gratitude Start everyday with gratitude for the things you do have. A practice of daily gratitude can completely change your mental state from a focus on where you fall short to a focus on how blessed you are to have what you have.
Photo by Positive Republic
3. Try Don’t be afraid to try new things… especially things you think you may fail at. Just because you see someone doing something perfectly on social media, doesn’t mean they always did it that way.
They may look like this now,
but at one point they probably looked like this and may have actually peed a little bit in the process too.
The bottom line is this… life is to be enjoyed and not just endured. You have to power to cut out the negative, to focus on the positive, and to combat fear of failure by trying new things.
Fardouly, J., Diedrichs, P. C., Vartanian, L. R., & Halliwell, E. (2015). Social comparisons on social media: The impact of Facebook on young women’s body image concerns and mood. Body Image, 13, 38–45. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.bodyim.2014.12.002
Hanley, S. M., Watt, S. E., & Coventry, W. (2019). Taking a break: The effect of taking a vacation from Facebook and Instagram on subjective well-being. PLoS ONE, 14(6). https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1371/journal.pone.0217743
Sherlock, M., & Wagstaff, D. L. (2019). Exploring the relationship between frequency of Instagram use, exposure to idealized images, and psychological well-being in women. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 8(4), 482–490. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/ppm0000182
Twenge, J. M., PhD. (2017). IGen: why todays super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy– and completely unprepared for adulthood (and what this means for the rest of us). New York, NY: Atria Books.
Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.
This week, think of something you need help with, and ask your partner to be the one to help you with it!
Sammi Trujillo is nearing the completion of her Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University. She has been married for over seven years and is the mother of two young children. Sammi loves teaching about strong marriages, healthy sexuality, and positive pregnancy and birth. Her passion for writing began in junior high and includes both public scholar writing and creative writing. She is currently working on her first novel and works as a public scholar writer for BYU.
Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.