Couples – Healthy Humans Project

Guest Writers, Power Couples, Single Souls

Staying Connected in a Long-distance Romantic Relationship

October 15, 2022 No Comments

Cover Photo by Vladimir Konoplev

Written by Annika Finley

“What are you going to do if you meet someone while you’re in Hawaii?” asked my friend, just a couple days before I left to live there for four months. “You still have over a year left of school in Utah. What would you do?”

When my friend asked me this, I honestly had no answer. I brushed the question off and didn’t think too much about it until two months later, when I met a cute boy at a beach bonfire. We were drawn to each other from the moment we met. Talking to him was so natural, and I loved spending my time with him. A few weeks after meeting we started dating, unsure what we’d do once I left home for Utah in a couple of months.

When I left Hawaii, we thought it would be best to break up since we had no idea when we’d see each other again and since we’d only been dating for about two months. But after ending things, we couldn’t seem to stop talking. We were confused about the distance and it felt nearly impossible to see how we could make things work. This confusion and connection led us to break up and get back together a couple of times before finally deciding to be “all in,” despite the distance.

Jumping forward in time, the cute boy is now my cute husband, and we now have many months of being in a long-distance relationship under our belt, including a couple of weeks at the beginning of our marriage.

Before my husband and I started dating remotely, I wasn’t aware of the complexities that dating from afar could entail. Whatever the type of romantic distance dating relationship you’re in — whether it be with a boyfriend/girlfriend, a fiancé, or a husband/wife — dating from afar can bring several added challenges to your lives together. However, these challenges don’t mean the relationship needs to end.

Some might wonder, “Is virtual dating really that different from in-person dating now that we can have face-to-face conversations over the phone?” while others might feel the exact opposite, believing that long-distance is too risky and just isn’t worth it.

Research and my own experiences have taught me that dating from a distance can make things more challenging (Tower, 2016). However, strong relationships can grow and be nurtured from afar, just like they can be up close.

The challenges of distance

Long-distance relationships pose unique challenges. For example, the lack of physical touch can be difficult for couples. Physical touch helps cultivate an intense bond in romantic relationships (Chatel-Goldman et al., 2014) and transmits “a sense of being accepted and cared for” (The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 2018), so a lack of physical touch can take a toll on any relationship – even a strong one.

Dating remotely can also cause increased logistical challenges due to living in different time zones (Tower, 2016). I found that my husband and I had to be very intentional about setting aside time to spend with one another, or else it would easily become swallowed up in commitments to other things and people.

Time differences can also require sacrifices; couples might need to change their normal schedule in order to make time for their partner, and they might miss out on social events back home. There are also costs associated with visiting each other (Tower, 2016), and these costs can add up quickly.

But distance doesn’t mean you have to feel emotionally distant from your love.

While there are struggles that can occur in long-distance relationships, they tend to lead back to the root of the problem: difficulty staying connected (Beckmeyer et al., 2021). There is no easy solution to time zones, a lack of physical touch, or the other problems that might occur due to the distance. However, when we focus on deepening our emotional relationship with our partner, we’ll find that there are ways we can stay connected to our partner, despite the miles between us.

Make it fun

If you’re anything like me, it can be easy to fall into a routine of doing the same things over FaceTime each night. Switch things up and make it fun!

One way to keep things fun and to stay connected is to take turns planning creative date nights. The Gottman Institute has found that one of the main reasons a marriage ends is because of a loss of intimacy and connection (Couples Training Institute, n.d.). Since research also shows that people may feel a difficulty staying connected to their partner when they see each other less often (Beckmeyer et al., 2021), it’s important to find ways to stay connected in your relationship so the ocean between you doesn’t make it easy for you to drift apart. Psychology Today teaches us that “regular date nights are one of the best ways to help prevent the ‘silent drift apart’ over time” that can occur between partners (Leyba, 2016).

If you’re having a hard time coming up with date night ideas, you can visit this website for ways to keep date night intentional and playful and this website for creative remote date night ideas.

Another way to keep things fun is to plan thoughtful surprises for each other. Some of my favorites are:

Have a friend who lives near your significant other drop off their favorite treat or something they’ve been craving
Send them snail mail. Make it feel like you’re with them by spraying it with their favorite perfume/cologne of yours
Text them a poem you’ve written to read first thing in the morning after waking
Surprise them with a romantic evening

Create rituals

Daily rituals are an important part of any romantic relationship. As an article from The Gottman Institute teaches, rituals help us nurture the positive side of our relationship and help us avoid taking our relationship for granted (McFadden, 2017).

“Daily rituals keep the sense of connection strong in [relationships] and assure that romance, affection, and appreciation are a part of your [relationship] every day.” (McFadden, 2017).

The Gottman Institute teaches about three different rituals that prevent us from taking each other for granted: reunion rituals, times of undistracted communication, and appreciation rituals. While the article focuses on in-person relationships, these rituals, once slightly adjusted, can have a positive impact on long-distance couples as well.

For example, even when we are apart, my husband and I make sure we end each day with an appreciation ritual. We take time to share something we noticed that day that we appreciate in the other person. This ritual helped us feel connected while we were living apart and still does now that we are together.

Dating remotely requires a lot of intentional effort, just like any serious relationship does. Although virtual dating has challenges unique to the distance, researchers have found that geographically distant and close relationships have similar levels of happiness and commitment (Beckmeyer et al., 2021). When you are apart, find ways to connect, whether by having more fun, creating rituals, or something else. Being intentional about connecting with your significant other will help close the gap that separates you and your love, just like it has for me.

References

Beckmeyer, J. J., Herbenick, D., Eastman-Mueller, H. (2021). Long-distance romantic relationships among college students: Prevalence, correlates, and dynamics in campus probability survey. Journal of American College Health, 1-5. https://doi.org/10.1080/07448481.2021.1978464

Chatel-Goldman, J., Congedo, M., Jutten, C., & Schwartz, J. L. (2014). Touch increases autonomic coupling between romantic partners. Frontiers in behavioral neuroscience, 8, 95. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2014.00095

Couples Training Institute. (n.d.) Gottman Couples & Marital Therapy. http://couplestraininginstitute.com/gottman-couples-and-marital-therapy/

Firmin, M. W., Firmin, R. L., Lorenzen, K. (2014). A qualitative analysis of loneliness dynamics involved with college long-distance relationships. College Student Journal, 48(1), 57-71.

Leyba, E. (2016, January 17th). The 5 Active Ingredients of Date Night. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joyful-parenting/201601/the-5-active-ingredients-date-night

McFadden, P. (2017, October 11th). 3 Daily Rituals That Stop Spouses from Taking Each Other for Granted. https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-rituals-that-stop-spouses-from-taking-each-other-for-granted/

The Family Institute at Northwestern University. (2018, March 22) The Often-overlooked Importance of Physical Intimacy. https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/magic-touch

Tower, R. B. (2016, December 4th). 13 Challenges and Opportunities in Long-Distance Love. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-refracted/201612/13-challenges-and-opportunities-in-long-distance-love

Annika Finley is from Holladay, Utah. She has a degree in Family Science from Brigham Young University, and is currently working on grad school applications. She and her husband live in Hawaii and love paddle boarding, exercising, and learning about the beautiful Hawaiian culture. Annika loves spending time with her family and always looks forward to traveling and experiencing new cultures with them. She has a passion for helping others and for being a healing influence in the world.

Guest Writers, Power Couples

Communication is NOT Key: Resolving Marital Conflict Through Connection

April 2, 2022 No Comments

Cover photo by Taryn Elliott from Pexels

Written by Anna Mader of Brigham Young University

There’s a scene in the first Harry Potter movie in which Harry is flying on a broomstick through a cloud of winged keys, desperately trying to find the one that unlocks the door in front of him. If he doesn’t find the right key, then he fails in saving the sorcerer’s stone from falling into the wrong hands, thus allowing the evil Lord Voldemort to return to his full wizarding powers (Columbus, 2001).

While we don’t have the fate of the wizarding world resting on our shoulders, we do have our own keys to look for, like finding the key to a successful marriage. Pretty much everyone echoes the same thing: COMMUNICATION IS KEY. If you want a good marriage, then just learn to communicate effectively! Simple as that.

But, let me tell you something: you’re chasing after the wrong key.

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of issues could be sorted out if people just followed suggested communication techniques (Lisitsa, 2013) during tough conversations like the following:

“I feel” statements and soft start-ups
Focusing on the current issue
Avoiding “always/never” statements (Borressen, 2018)
Avoiding eye-rolling, criticizing character, and name-calling
Avoiding tough topics when flooded, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (Manes, 2013)

However, no matter how perfectly you stick to these healthy strategies, sometimes your spouse just doesn’t respond in kind. In these instances, the issue may be disconnect, not communication. In his bestseller on marital relationships, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, marriage researcher John Gottman says, “fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance”— not merely communication (Gottman & Silver, 1999, p. 69).

Again, don’t misunderstand— communication is important, and Gottman acknowledges as much. But, before you can resolve marital conflict through communication techniques, it’s important to lay down a foundation of love.

How do you build love, especially when you sometimes don’t even like your spouse, let alone love them? Take a time out from the constant negotiation and try connecting through love maps, attunement, dating, and even sex.

Love Maps and Dreams: Reintroduce Yourselves

In his years of marital research, Gottman noticed that many couples get so wrapped up in life’s routines that they lose track of the details of each other’s lives. He suggests bringing each other up to speed by sitting down and asking each other questions: What is your favorite TV show right now? Who is your best friend at work? What is something I do that makes you feel loved? Gottman suggests making a game out of it, like playing 20 Questions.

If love maps help you understand your spouse’s topographical blueprint, then the next step is discussing the dreams that lie like buried treasure on your love maps. According to Gottman, 69% of all problems in a relationship are “unsolvable,” meaning they’re manifestations of deeply held beliefs— flags on the map that alert you on where to dig for buried dreams.

For example, fighting about whose set of parents to visit over the holidays may have deeper dreams hidden. Perhaps you fear that visiting your in-laws too often will prevent your children from getting to know both sets of grandparents equally. In contrast, your spouse may feel like you haven’t fully integrated into their family of origin and have a wall up, a “your family” versus “my family” mentality instead of embracing that you are all one family now.

These differences in belief— the boundary of wanting to split time equally versus the belief that you’re all one family now— aren’t bad. They’re just different. Discover these deeper dreams and seek to connect by understanding what your spouse values without judging them (Northrup, 2020).

Attune and Turn Towards: Making Bids for Attention

Photo by **Ketut Subiyanto** from **Pexels**

Emotional attunement, or turning towards each other, is another way to connect. When you focus on your partner, you start to notice cues that suggest your partner wants you to pay attention to them. Whether it’s a sigh that tells you they might want help with the dishes or reaching for your hand during a movie, take those intimate moments to turn towards them and accept their bids for attention. Take a time-out from technology as well, so you don’t miss those important cues.

If you’re fighting because your partner always seems to miss your bids for emotional connection, try two things: Notice your spouse’s bids first and respond positively to them. Your love and attention may influence them to respond in kind over time. You can also try being more direct in your bids for attention. If your spouse missed your sidelong glance, speak up. Try saying “Honey, my shoulders are a bit tight. Could you please massage them for five minutes?”

Go on Dates: Remember your Friendship and Nurture Fondness

In his book Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness, professor Dr. Blaine Fowers extols friendship as one of the key virtues needed to have a successful marriage (Fowers, 2000). Dating is a great way to restore friendship because it reminds you of your initial attraction and courtship. If you can still fondly recall the start of your romance, then you have a foundation of love to work with!

If you’re struggling to find something to talk about other than the kids, work, or your marital problems, then discuss the activity itself. Ask your spouse for help in painting a more realistic tree. Comment on the ducks you’re feeding by the pond. Point out Orion’s Belt as you’re stargazing. Gradually, you can move on to other topics, like reminiscing over how you first met, laughing over inside jokes, or sharing things you appreciate about each other (Brittle, 2015).

Photo by **Edward Eyer** from **Pexels**

If money is the issue you constantly argue about, then find a free or cheap date activity (Snell, 2017). If a lack of time for each other is the argument trigger, start by finding just ONE hour or ONE evening that you both have free. Establish a pattern of more regular dates from there. If you can never agree on an activity, create a jar where you keep slips of paper with date ideas scribbled on them. Take turns drawing an idea from the jar. When the jar picks for you, neither spouse can be mad or feel like they’re always “giving in” to the other, thus helping you avoid more arguing.

Have Sex: Keep the Romance Alive

Having sex releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which is a great way to connect with your spouse (Psychology Today, 2009). While marital conflict outside of the bedroom can cause dwindling affection within, the reverse can also be true. Having a healthy sex life can improve communication and conflict resolution as you both feel loved and desired by each other. If you’ve been practicing attuning to each other like Gottman suggests, your sex life should improve as you notice your spouse’s bids for attention. Additionally, knowing each other through love maps and dreams can also create an emotional safe space for physical intimacy.

In connecting through sex, make sure to prioritize your sex life. Tammy Hill, a licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests booking two nights at a hotel for a getaway. Having two nights away instead of just one to “get it right” eases up performance pressure and helps you focus on enjoying your time together (T. Hill, personal communication, March 2020).

Photo by **Anastasia Shuraeva** from **Pexels**

Sometimes sex itself is a source of marital conflict as couples struggle to get on the same page about frequency, technique, initiation, or refusal. If you’re stuck on low sexual frequency (Mark, 2021) or knowing how to initiate, Tammy suggests simply making out with each other. Not focusing on and stressing about whether you’ll have sex can create a more relaxed environment where you end up moving into sex anyway.

When you feel ready to openly communicate about sex with your spouse, invest in books that will aid you in these discussions— what works, what doesn’t, agreed upon cues to initiate or refuse, etc. (Hill, 2020). If there is less ambiguity, there will be less misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Tammy suggests the following books: Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura Brotherson, and The Act of Marriage by Beverly and Tim LeHaye.

Conclusion

Once the foundation of mutual love and trust is re-established, you can revisit your conflicts and use good communication techniques to open a dialogue instead of an argument. Communication IS important, but it goes nowhere if one or both of you are feeling so disconnected that you may not even want to fix the problems you’re fighting about. Connection is the key that lets communication in through the door to save your marriage.

Invest in mutual love in your relationship this week! Consider going on a date, talking about your dreams for the future (individual and couple), making love, or being intentional about responding positively to one another’s emotional bids.

References

Borresen, K. (2018, March 30). 7 phrases you should never say during an argument. Huffpost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/phrases-not-say-during-argument

Brittle, Z. (2015, March 18). Share fondness and admiration. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/share-fondness-and-admiration/

Columbus, C. (Director). (2001). Harry Potter and the sorcerer’s stone. [Film]. Warner Bros. Pictures.

Fowers, B. J. (2000). Beyond the myth of marital happiness. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.

Hill, T. (2020). Resources. Tammy Hill. https://www.tammyhill.com/helpful-resources/

Lisitsa, E. (2013, April 26). The four horsemen: The antidotes. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Manes, S. (2013, August 3). Making sure emotional flooding doesn’t capsize your relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/making-sure-emotional-flooding-doesnt-capsize-your-relationship/

Mark, K. (2021, January 21). How often should we have sex? Psychology Today. How Often Should We Have Sex? | Psychology Today

Northrup, M. (2020). Moving from gridlock to dialogue. Forever Families. https://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/moving-from-gridlock-to-dialogue

Psychology Today Reference (2009, November 17). Oxytocin. Psychology Today. Oxytocin | Psychology Today

Snell, D. (2017, September 9). Add some zest to your marriage with these 6 adorable (and mostly free) date ideas for married couples. Family Today. https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/add-some-zest-to-your-marriage-with-these-6-adorable-and-mostly-free-date-ideas-for-married-couples/

Anna Mader is a recent graduate of Brigham Young University, where she majored in family studies. She is currently living and working in Texas. Besides writing, she enjoys visiting museums and painting.

Guest Writers, Power Couples

Overcoming “Good Girl Syndrome”– How Sexual Guilt is Getting in the Way of Your Sex Life

February 5, 2022 No Comments

Cover photo by Olya Kobruseva

Written by Carlie Palmer-Webb, The Christian Sex Educator

What is “Good Girl Syndrome”?

I can picture it so clearly in my mind. I’m about 14 and sitting in the Sunday school class for teenage girls. We are having one of many lessons on chastity, specifically waiting until marriage to have sex. I’m curious, but uncomfortable.

The teacher, doing the best she knows how to help us avoid pre-marital sex, passes a rose around the room. She asks us all to touch the petals, to rub them between our fingers, as we hold the flower. Slowly, as the rose passes from hand to hand, the petals start to wilt and pull from the stem. The oil from our hands and the pressure from the rubbing leaves the petals looking tired and misshapen.

And then, the metaphor comes. The rose, as you can guess, was compared to us, the young group of girls huddled in the small room. Having sex before marriage, we were taught, would make us like the worn, misshapen rose. We would be dirty and used and unclean.

Not all of us got the detrimental rose lesson (thank heavens). But most of us who grew up in a conservative religion likely heard similar messages at some point. Parents, teachers, and youth leaders did the best they knew how to help us wait until marriage to have sex. Unfortunately, the fear-based approach to sexual education, combined with other factors, has left many individuals struggling with sexual guilt even after marriage (Peterson, 1964). In fact, research has found that religious individuals, especially religious women, experience higher levels of sexual guilt compared to their non-religious peers (Emmers-Sommer et al., 2018; Leonhardt et al., 2020).

For individuals who have internalized the message that sex is sinful and dirty, the transition into sexual activity with marriage is challenging. They struggle to enjoy sex with their spouse and experience feelings of shame and discomfort when they try, an experience described by Dr. Laura M. Brotherson as “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.”

Am I experiencing “Good Girl Syndrome”?

Dr. Brotherson created an assessment to measure one’s experience with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.” Here are a few of the items she provides, which users rate themselves on a scale from 0 (none) to 10 (a lot):

Underlying belief that sex is bad, wrong, dirty or sinful.
Inability to relax and let go fully within the sexual experience.
Unnecessary/inappropriate inhibitions, guilt, shame or awkwardness associated with sexual relations within marriage.

Do any of these statements describe your current experience with sex? Do you struggle to engage in and enjoy your sexual relationship with your spouse because of sexual guilt?

If so, there is good news and not-so-good news. The good news is that this is something that you can change. Our beliefs and thoughts are malleable, thank heavens, and we can change the way that we view sex. The not-so-good news is that, if you don’t work to make those changes, your relationship will likely suffer. In fact, researchers have found that sexual guilt is directly associated with lower sexual satisfaction (Leonhardt et al., 2020). In other words, if you feel guilty about sex, you are going to have a more difficult time enjoying it with your spouse.

How Do I Overcome “Good Girl Syndrome”?

The first step in addressing sexual guilt is recognizing that the guilt is stemming from your beliefs about sex. If you’re struggling with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome,” that is an indication that at least part of you still believes that sex is wrong, dirty, or sinful. Once you recognize that, you can start to make adjustments in those beliefs. Here are a few things that I would recommend you do as you work to shift negative beliefs about sex:

Spend some time identifying what negative beliefs about sex you are holding on to. Journaling will be your best friend in this process. Write down any negative thoughts or ideas about sex that come to your mind. And then, decide if you want to keep holding on to any of the beliefs that you have written down.
Write down more positive, faith-based beliefs about sex that you can work to incorporate into your belief system. Things like, “Sex, sexual desires, and sexual pleasure are gifts from God,” “Sex is a way for me to express and experience love with my spouse,” and “God wants me to enjoy sex.” You can use these and add to them or just come up with some on your own. Make sure that your statements are based in faith and truth, rather than fear. Read these statements often as you work to exchange them for your previous, negative beliefs.
Seek out faith- and research-based resources to learn about healthy sexual relationships. As you learn more about sexual desire, functioning, and pleasure, you will gain confidence in your sexual relationship with your spouse. The book “The Great Sex Rescue” by Sheila Wray Gregoire and her co-authors is one of the best resources I have found for understanding and working through religious sexual guilt.

Changing your beliefs about sex will likely take some time, but it will be so worth it. There is so much potential for joy, connection, pleasure, and love in your sexual relationship with your spouse. As you work to make shifts in your beliefs about and feelings towards sex, you will open yourself up to more of that potential.

I’m sorry if, like me, you were taught lessons and heard messages that contributed to your negative beliefs about sex. But we are not wilted roses. We are not chewed up gum. We are human beings who are working to create happy, healthy, mutually pleasurable sexual relationships in our marriage.

And that, my friends, is a very good thing.

Take some time this week to identify your own feelings about sex. What negative and incorrect beliefs are you holding on to, and what steps can you take to start the process of unlearning them?

References

Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Inspire Book.

Leonhardt, N. D., Busby, D. M., & Willoughby, B. J. (2020). Sex guilt or sanctification? The indirect role of religiosity on sexual satisfaction. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 213.

Emmers-Sommer, T. M., Allen, M., Schoenbauer, K. V., & Burrell, N. (2018). Implications of sex guilt: A meta-analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 54, 417– 437.

Peterson, J. A. (1964). Education for marriage (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Scribner

Carlie Palmer-Webb is a gender and sexuality researcher, entrepreneur, enthusiastic Jesus lover, hugger, and The Christian Sex Educator. Originally from Middle of Nowhere, Idaho, she now lives in Vermont with her husband Dallin and their cat Maple. Carlie is a lover of baked goods, volleyball, long naps, and kind humans.

Power Couples

“Simply Put, Successful Couples are Attentive”

August 7, 2021 No Comments

Cover photo by Charly Pn on Unsplash

Written by Katrina Voorhees

In 1938, George Vaillant produced an unprecedented, monumental study on what brings happiness in life. Over the course of 70 years and with 800+ participants of men and women, his study analyzed every possible happiness variable from education and health to wealth and prominence. The final consensus? “Happiness equals love—full stop” (Vaillant, 2009). Perhaps this study simply emphasizes what we already know—beyond feeling rich, powerful, popular or even healthy, the most basic need we have is to feel loved. Romantic relationships provide a unique opportunity to know one another and to provide that need. As relational expert John Gottman put it, “Simply put, successful couples are attentive” (Fenske, et al. 2017).

Photo by **Anna Shvets** from **Pexels**

Being an attentive couple usually comes easily in the first stages of dating, but if that love and attention is not cultivated and couples are not careful, when stress hits—and it always does—much of the love and affection couples once so easily gave can dissipate. A good question to ask yourself is, how can you continue to be attentive and affectionate even when the pressure mounts? Here are just three ways that can make a world of difference to you and your significant other.

1. Date night

Cliché, I know, but taking time to get away, just the two of you, is a huge statement. Date night is your time to say, “I see you. I care about you. You matter to me.” It can provide a much-needed break from the monotony of life and allow time to reconnect and stay current in each other’s lives. Research has shown that husbands and wives who engaged in couple time with their partners at least once a week were approximately 3.5 times more likely to report being “very happy” in their marriages, compared to those who enjoyed less quality time with their spouse. This practice must be allowed to continue for couples to thrive (Wilcox & Dew, 2012).

2. Physical touch

As simple as it may sound, small simple gestures of affection can go a long way in a relationship. Small acts of physical affection—such as holding hands in public, giving back scratches, and tousling their hair—remind your partner that you are there, you are real, and that you have their back. It also shows the rest of the world that you claim them as your own. Obviously, the importance of physical intimacy cannot be overstated here—but often it’s the small gestures of love that keep the fire burning.

3. Communication

Take some time to talk every day. When couples spend long hours apart, the time they spend alone goes unknown unless they take the time to share about it. Your partner is your outlet, your confidant, your cheerleader, therapist and companion all wrapped into one. Talk about a gift! So take the time to be present with the one you love and connect on an emotional level. Communication is one of the most powerful tools in breaking down the wall between you two and allowing you to become one.

Think of all the time, attention, and conversation couples create during their first stages of dating. Knowing all the joy that stage of life can bring, it only makes sense that couples work to recreate those same intimate moments and work over a lifetime to help their partner feel loved.

Perhaps Susan Sarandon said it best in her classic movie Shall We Dance:

“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet…I mean, what does one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things…all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’” (Shall We Dance, 2004).

Choose at least one of the following to do this week:

Surprise your partner with a date night! Bonus points if you can base your activity on something they enjoy doing.

Give your partner a nice back massage. Maybe they’ll even return the favor!

Schedule some time to talk about your day. Ask your partner how they are really doing and make sure you put your phones away and make eye contact! You might find it’s one of the most enjoyable parts of your day.

References

Fenske, S. R. (2017). John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want. New York: Rodale, Inc. $22.99. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(1), 77–78. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2017.1270673

Making Marriage Work | Dr. John Gottman. (2018, January 30). [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKTyPgwfPgg

Toshiko Kaneda. (2020, January 23). How Many People Have Ever Lived on Earth? Population Reference Bureau. https://scorecard.prb.org/howmanypeoplehaveeverlivedonearth/#:%7E:text=Given%20the%20current%20global%20population%20of%20about%207.5,billion%20people%20will%20have%20ever%20lived%20on%20Earth.

Shall We Dance? (2004) | ‘Witness to Your Life’ (HD) – Susan Sarandon, Richard Jenkins | MIRAMAX. (2016, April 13). [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FfW5iTe61k

Vaillant, G. (2009, July 16). Yes, I Stand by My Words, “Happiness Equals Love—Full Stop.” Positive Psychology News. https://positivepsychologynews.com/news/george-vaillant/200907163163

University of Virginia, & Brad Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew, U. (2012). The Date night Opportunity What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Potential Value of Date Nights. University of Virginia. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf

Katrina Louise Voorhees is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University where she studies relationships, family and art. She has a beautiful family and an outstanding extended family. She recently married her best friend, Paul Voorhees, who makes her laugh every day. Besides writing and romance she is also crazy about painting, singing, deep conversations, good books and ice cream.

Power Couples

Build it to Last

January 30, 2021 No Comments

Cover photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

Written by Emma Smith

Dedicated to Professor Julie Haupt of BYU

In the year 2018, Americans purchased an astounding 17.3 million cars, making 2018 the fourth consecutive year that car sales exceeded 17 million (Lassa, 2018). In the years since 2014, over 68 million cars have been sold. With the population rounded down that still equals approximately 1 in 4 people trading in their old cars for new ones in the United States in only four years (U.S. and World Population Clock).

The purchases of a nation can give us a few hints as to the general attitudes and values of its members; the old adage “out with the old and in with the new” comes to mind when thinking of auto purchases. Those same attitudes are reflected in the state of the country’s marriages; the American Psychological Association reports that 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce (Marriage and Divorce). In America we are seeing an increase in both cars being replaced and marriages ending when they could still be potentially salvageable.

In our society many are indicating they value marriage and have a goal to be married at some point (2019; Popenoe et al., 1996), but when these marriages occur many do not last as long as the couple may have hoped. Marriage, the foundation of the microsystem in Bronfenbrenner’s ecological model, is the smallest unit and an integral part of society. Just like any car crumbles with a poor engine, society crumbles with failing marriages and families. Not only are marriages and families the foundation of society, but they are also an opportunity for a joyful life; we need to build our marriages to last for the good of our society and for our own happiness. So how can we build our marriages to last and find this sometimes-illusive joy in marriage?

It is suggested by marriage and family scholars that there are three core dimensions to wholeness in marriage: 1) the spiritual dimension, 2) the emotional dimension, and 3) the physical dimension, and there is research to prove it (Busby et al., 2013). These three basic components, just as the cooling system, engine, and gasoline work together in harmony to keep a car engine running smoothly can bring numerous blessings to a marriage.

Spiritual

The first dimension, the spiritual, has shown some interesting results. Whether it is an organized religion, a quiet faith, or simply a spiritual mindfulness, the spiritual part of each of us affects our marriages and can create a big impact (David & Stafford, 2013). For those identifying with a particular faith; religious communication between partners is directly linked to marital quality, especially if the spouses share the same beliefs (David & Stafford, 2013). From a simply spiritual standpoint, increased mindfulness is linked to higher satisfaction in romantic relationships (McGill et al., 2016). Somehow, there is something about connecting and communing with the divine, whether that be Deity or the divinity within each of us that brings peace and harmony to our marital relationships.

A specific example for these claims has also been found in the form of prayer. Couples that prayed versus couples who did not found that prayer assisted in their conflict resolution processes by lessening their feelings of contempt, enmity, and hostility towards one another (Butler et al., 2002). This same study also showed that prayer increased couples’ productive focus on the relationship and helped them to understand one another on a deeper level (Butler et al., 2002).

Emotional

The emotional dimension is present from the beginning of any relationship. Every day we experience a host of emotions and that is how we connect with people. The desire to connect with others has been referred to as the need to belong (Busby et al., 2013). From the time we are born, we innately reach out to others for help in fulfilling our needs. Infants cry to be fed or have another need fulfilled by their mother or caregiver. As we grow older, we cry out in other ways for help in fulfilling our emotional needs. As spouses help us in filling these needs, we learn to trust, rely, and confide in them, strengthening our emotional attachment (Butler et al., 2002). Mother Teresa once explained, “Love begins by taking care of the closest ones – the ones at home.” We can foster emotional attachment through taking care of our loved ones by helping fulfill their needs. This abiding trust and reliance is essential in marital relationships because it fosters love as well as the sense of belonging that we are all searching for.

Physical

Finally, the physical dimension. Physical intimacy is an exciting and fulfilling part of relationships and is particularly important for marital satisfaction. Research has shown that sexuality is so much more than sensations and an erotic experience, it is deeply connected to the spiritual and emotional dimensions and can be used to strengthen the relationship as a whole (Butler et al., 2002). While the way it is connected spiritually differs within each belief system, recent studies have shown that the most universally applicable connection is found in mindfulness. Mindfulness, or practicing mental focus on sensations and on one’s partner in a sexual experience, increases self-esteem, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction (Leavitt et al., 2019). Self-esteem is strongly related to sexual satisfaction in romantic relationships. Struggles with self-esteem can come from a variety of different sources; poor self-image, lack of confidence or security in the relationship, poor body-image, etc. The lower the self-esteem, the lower the predicted sexual pleasure and arousal (Sanchez & Kiefer, 2007). If we can embrace how we feel about our physical appearance, how we feel about ourselves, and increase security in romantic relationships, our sexual experiences as couples will improve.

Photo by **Mikhail Nilov** from **Pexels**

In addition to integrating the spiritual into the physical dimension with our spouses, we need to integrate emotional connection into our sexual experiences. Relationship researcher Dr. Sue Johnson put it this way, “The safer we feel emotionally, the more we can communicate, express our needs, play and explore our responses and relax into sexual feelings” (Johnson, 2008). When emotional security is present there is a heightened sense of eroticism and joy (Johnson, 2018). The more we respond to our spouses’ needs the more emotional security will be present in the relationship. The act of love-making itself can also strengthen marital relationships. Physiological research tells us that sex is a bonding activity, or in other words; when we are intimate with a spouse, we strengthen our bond with them (TED, 2015).

Photo by **Elly Fairytale** from **Pexels**

Most marriages begin with good intentions and start strong; they just need regular maintenance as cars do. Application of these principles can be simple; add an element of spirituality and discuss it; attend church, pray separately and together, meditate or connect spiritually in some way and talk about it together. Take the time to care for your spouse’s needs; being emotionally present and truly caring for one another through small acts of service, checking in with one another, or just spending real time together without distraction can greatly increase emotional connection. Let them know you are there and really be there. Be someone your spouse can rely on. Finally, be intentional about your sexual relationship and take the time to be present and connect emotionally with one another. Remove the distractions in your lives and be mindful of your own feelings and sensations as well as those of your spouse during the love-making process. Above all, explore these three elements of your relationship together and work together to strengthen the relationship as a whole.

Marriages need strengthening and simple steps can accomplish that goal. Just like a car, if you fill it with gas, check the coolant, and change the oil every few thousand miles, it will keep running and running without any need to go buy a new one. If we want a marriage to be “til death do us part”, it’s up to us to keep ours running through routine and careful maintenance.

Choose one of the three core dimensions of marriage (spiritual, emotional, or physical) to tune up this week.

References

III. Marriage. Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project. (2019, December 31). https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2010/11/18/iii-marriage/

Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.

Butler, M. H., Stout, J. A., & Gardner, B. C. (2002). Prayer as a conflict resolution ritual: Clinical implications of religious couples report of relationship softening, healing perspective, and change responsibility. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 30(1), 19–37. https://doi.org/ 10.1080/019261802753455624

David, P., & Stafford, L. (2013). A relational approach to religion and spirituality in marriage. Journal of Family Issues, 36(2), 232–249. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513×13485922

Johnson, S. (2008). The Three Kinds of Sex: Dr. Sue Johnson. Retrieved from https://www.drsuejohnson.com/the-three-kinds-of-sex/

Lassa, T. (2019, January 4). The Year in Auto Sales: Facts, Figures, and the Bestsellers from 2018. Automobile Magazine. https://www.automobilemag.com/news/year-auto-sales-facts-figures-bestsellers-2018/

Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680

Marriage and Divorce. (n.d.). Retrieved October 25, 2019, from https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/

McGill, J., Alder-Baedaer, F., & Rodriguez, P. (2016). Mindfully in love: A meta-analysis of the association between mindfulness and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Human Sciences and Extension, 4(1), 89–101.

Popenoe, D., Elshtain, J. B., & Blankenhorn, D. (1996). Values, attitudes, and the state of American marriage. Promises to keep: decline and renewal of marriage in America. (pp. 28) Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.

Sanchez, D. T., & Kiefer, A. K. (2007). Body concerns in and out of the bedroom: Implications for sexual pleasure and problems. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36(6), 808–820. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-007-9205-0

TED. (2015, July 28). Sue Johnson: The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVijMLH2-k

U.S. and World Population Clock. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.census.gov/popclock/

Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.

1 2 3 4 Next »

Staying Connected in a Long-distance Romantic Relationship

Written by Annika Finley

“What are you going to do if you meet someone while you’re in Hawaii?” asked my friend, just a couple days before I left to live there for four months. “You still have over a year left of school in Utah. What would you do?”

Jumping forward in time, the cute boy is now my cute husband, and we now have many months of being in a long-distance relationship under our belt, including a couple of weeks at the beginning of our marriage.

Some might wonder, “Is virtual dating really that different from in-person dating now that we can have face-to-face conversations over the phone?” while others might feel the exact opposite, believing that long-distance is too risky and just isn’t worth it.

Research and my own experiences have taught me that dating from a distance can make things more challenging (Tower, 2016). However, strong relationships can grow and be nurtured from afar, just like they can be up close.

The challenges of distance

Time differences can also require sacrifices; couples might need to change their normal schedule in order to make time for their partner, and they might miss out on social events back home. There are also costs associated with visiting each other (Tower, 2016), and these costs can add up quickly.

But distance doesn’t mean you have to feel emotionally distant from your love.

Make it fun

If you’re anything like me, it can be easy to fall into a routine of doing the same things over FaceTime each night. Switch things up and make it fun!

If you’re having a hard time coming up with date night ideas, you can visit this website for ways to keep date night intentional and playful and this website for creative remote date night ideas.

Another way to keep things fun is to plan thoughtful surprises for each other. Some of my favorites are:

Have a friend who lives near your significant other drop off their favorite treat or something they’ve been craving

Send them snail mail. Make it feel like you’re with them by spraying it with their favorite perfume/cologne of yours

Text them a poem you’ve written to read first thing in the morning after waking

Surprise them with a romantic evening

Create rituals

Daily rituals are an important part of any romantic relationship. As an article from The Gottman Institute teaches, rituals help us nurture the positive side of our relationship and help us avoid taking our relationship for granted (McFadden, 2017).

“Daily rituals keep the sense of connection strong in [relationships] and assure that romance, affection, and appreciation are a part of your [relationship] every day.” (McFadden, 2017).

References

Beckmeyer, J. J., Herbenick, D., Eastman-Mueller, H. (2021). Long-distance romantic relationships among college students: Prevalence, correlates, and dynamics in campus probability survey. Journal of American College Health, 1-5. https://doi.org/10.1080/07448481.2021.1978464

Chatel-Goldman, J., Congedo, M., Jutten, C., & Schwartz, J. L. (2014). Touch increases autonomic coupling between romantic partners. Frontiers in behavioral neuroscience, 8, 95. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2014.00095

Couples Training Institute. (n.d.) Gottman Couples & Marital Therapy. http://couplestraininginstitute.com/gottman-couples-and-marital-therapy/

Firmin, M. W., Firmin, R. L., Lorenzen, K. (2014). A qualitative analysis of loneliness dynamics involved with college long-distance relationships. College Student Journal, 48(1), 57-71.

Leyba, E. (2016, January 17th). The 5 Active Ingredients of Date Night. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joyful-parenting/201601/the-5-active-ingredients-date-night

McFadden, P. (2017, October 11th). 3 Daily Rituals That Stop Spouses from Taking Each Other for Granted. https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-rituals-that-stop-spouses-from-taking-each-other-for-granted/

The Family Institute at Northwestern University. (2018, March 22) The Often-overlooked Importance of Physical Intimacy. https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/magic-touch

Tower, R. B. (2016, December 4th). 13 Challenges and Opportunities in Long-Distance Love. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-refracted/201612/13-challenges-and-opportunities-in-long-distance-love

Communication is NOT Key: Resolving Marital Conflict Through Connection

Written by Anna Mader of Brigham Young University

But, let me tell you something: you’re chasing after the wrong key.

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of issues could be sorted out if people just followed suggested communication techniques (Lisitsa, 2013) during tough conversations like the following:

“I feel” statements and soft start-ups

Focusing on the current issue

Avoiding “always/never” statements (Borressen, 2018)

Avoiding eye-rolling, criticizing character, and name-calling

Avoiding tough topics when flooded, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (Manes, 2013)

Again, don’t misunderstand— communication is important, and Gottman acknowledges as much. But, before you can resolve marital conflict through communication techniques, it’s important to lay down a foundation of love.

How do you build love, especially when you sometimes don’t even like your spouse, let alone love them? Take a time out from the constant negotiation and try connecting through love maps, attunement, dating, and even sex.

Love Maps and Dreams: Reintroduce Yourselves

These differences in belief— the boundary of wanting to split time equally versus the belief that you’re all one family now— aren’t bad. They’re just different. Discover these deeper dreams and seek to connect by understanding what your spouse values without judging them (Northrup, 2020).

Attune and Turn Towards: Making Bids for Attention

Go on Dates: Remember your Friendship and Nurture Fondness

Have Sex: Keep the Romance Alive

Conclusion

Invest in mutual love in your relationship this week! Consider going on a date, talking about your dreams for the future (individual and couple), making love, or being intentional about responding positively to one another’s emotional bids.

References

Borresen, K. (2018, March 30). 7 phrases you should never say during an argument. Huffpost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/phrases-not-say-during-argument

Brittle, Z. (2015, March 18). Share fondness and admiration. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/share-fondness-and-admiration/

Columbus, C. (Director). (2001). Harry Potter and the sorcerer’s stone. [Film]. Warner Bros. Pictures.

Fowers, B. J. (2000). Beyond the myth of marital happiness. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.

Hill, T. (2020). Resources. Tammy Hill. https://www.tammyhill.com/helpful-resources/

Lisitsa, E. (2013, April 26). The four horsemen: The antidotes. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Manes, S. (2013, August 3). Making sure emotional flooding doesn’t capsize your relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/making-sure-emotional-flooding-doesnt-capsize-your-relationship/

Mark, K. (2021, January 21). How often should we have sex? Psychology Today. How Often Should We Have Sex? | Psychology Today

Northrup, M. (2020). Moving from gridlock to dialogue. Forever Families. https://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/moving-from-gridlock-to-dialogue

Psychology Today Reference (2009, November 17). Oxytocin. Psychology Today. Oxytocin | Psychology Today

Snell, D. (2017, September 9). Add some zest to your marriage with these 6 adorable (and mostly free) date ideas for married couples. Family Today. https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/add-some-zest-to-your-marriage-with-these-6-adorable-and-mostly-free-date-ideas-for-married-couples/

Anna Mader is a recent graduate of Brigham Young University, where she majored in family studies. She is currently living and working in Texas. Besides writing, she enjoys visiting museums and painting.

Overcoming “Good Girl Syndrome”– How Sexual Guilt is Getting in the Way of Your Sex Life

Written by Carlie Palmer-Webb, The Christian Sex Educator

What is “Good Girl Syndrome”?

I can picture it so clearly in my mind. I’m about 14 and sitting in the Sunday school class for teenage girls. We are having one of many lessons on chastity, specifically waiting until marriage to have sex. I’m curious, but uncomfortable.

And then, the metaphor comes. The rose, as you can guess, was compared to us, the young group of girls huddled in the small room. Having sex before marriage, we were taught, would make us like the worn, misshapen rose. We would be dirty and used and unclean.

Am I experiencing “Good Girl Syndrome”?

Dr. Brotherson created an assessment to measure one’s experience with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.” Here are a few of the items she provides, which users rate themselves on a scale from 0 (none) to 10 (a lot):

Underlying belief that sex is bad, wrong, dirty or sinful.

Inability to relax and let go fully within the sexual experience.

Unnecessary/inappropriate inhibitions, guilt, shame or awkwardness associated with sexual relations within marriage.

Do any of these statements describe your current experience with sex? Do you struggle to engage in and enjoy your sexual relationship with your spouse because of sexual guilt?

How Do I Overcome “Good Girl Syndrome”?

I’m sorry if, like me, you were taught lessons and heard messages that contributed to your negative beliefs about sex. But we are not wilted roses. We are not chewed up gum. We are human beings who are working to create happy, healthy, mutually pleasurable sexual relationships in our marriage.

And that, my friends, is a very good thing.

Take some time this week to identify your own feelings about sex. What negative and incorrect beliefs are you holding on to, and what steps can you take to start the process of unlearning them?

References

Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Inspire Book.

Leonhardt, N. D., Busby, D. M., & Willoughby, B. J. (2020). Sex guilt or sanctification? The indirect role of religiosity on sexual satisfaction. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 213.

Emmers-Sommer, T. M., Allen, M., Schoenbauer, K. V., & Burrell, N. (2018). Implications of sex guilt: A meta-analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 54, 417– 437.