John Gottman, one of the world’s leading experts on relationships, has studied couples for decades. Thousands of couples have been observed at what he calls his “Love Lab” located in Seattle, WA. Over the years, Dr. Gottman has found patterns within marital relationships that he claims allow him to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a marriage will last. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman outlines four warning signs that he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – things that are key in helping determine the health of a relationship. If you find yourself and/or your partner frequently falling into any of these habits, it might be time to take a relationship inventory and consider getting some help.
Horseman #1: Criticism
Criticism is the act of attacking your partner’s character – who they are, not just something they’ve done. Criticism alone does not predict divorce or even serious marital problems. In fact, I know I’ve been guilty of this before! When we are frustrated or angry, we can often make the mistake of attacking the person we love rather than identifying the action that has hurt or offended us. Practicing using “I Statements” can help us to get away from this negative pattern of communication that is often a gateway to the other horsemen.
Example: “You are always late! I hate how lazy and inconsiderate you are!”
A Better Option: “I felt really hurt when you were late to pick me up from work today and you didn’t call.”
Horseman #2: Contempt
The goal of contempt is to make someone feel less-than. It is used to place you in a position of moral superiority, and to make your partner feel belittled and invalidated. It is not only limited to the words that you say, but can also include tone of voice, body language, and sarcasm. Most importantly, according to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt comes when we hold on to negative thoughts and feelings about our partner. In order to fight these negative thoughts or feelings, practice gratitude in your relationship. Focus on the positive qualities that your partner possesses, and verbally thank them for what they contribute to your relationship.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Example: “Oh yeah, right, today was hard for you? All you had to do was go to work, and then you got to come home and watch Netflix. I had to take care of the baby all day, and I had two finals! And now I have two more to study for. Consider yourself lucky that all you have to do is make money.”
A Better Option: “I’m sorry today was hard, sweetheart. I hope you know how much I appreciate you taking care of the baby while I study for my finals. It makes my load a little bit easier to handle.”
Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. It makes sense that we would get defensive if our partner were to attack our very character! However, it is when a cycle of criticism and defensiveness (leading to contempt) become a habit in a relationship that we find a problem. Practicing criticism and in turn, defensiveness fosters a culture of blame, which can harm any type of relationship. Instead, it is important to practice taking responsibility for your own actions, and striving to help rather than blame each other.
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Example:
Partner 1: “Why didn’t you take out the trash like I asked you?”
Partner 2: “Geez, will you stop nagging? I’m trying to send out this email for work that my boss needs right now! Why didn’t you just take it out when the kids were napping?”
A Better Option:
Partner 2: “Oh I’m sorry, I forgot! I’m trying to send out this email for work that my boss really needs right now. I will take it out as soon as I’m done.”
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
Stonewalling involves the complete withdrawal of one partner; when, rather than deal with the confrontation or conflict, the person chooses to shut down, turn away, or stop responding all together. This is different from taking a step back or a “time out” from an issue in order to cool down and avoid saying something you might regret. Instead, this is complete rejection or refusal to interact. When someone stonewalls in an interaction, generally it’s because there is a pattern of the other horsemen in the relationship. Due to a repeated experiencing of criticism or (most likely) contempt, the person feels emotionally flooded (ie. too upset to think clearly), and would rather withdraw than have to deal with the situation. A healthier alternative to stonewalling would be to take some time to cool off emotionally, and then to return to the issue later. During that time, don’t focus on the argument or ruminate on negative thoughts about your partner. Do something that helps you physically and emotionally calm down, like taking a walk, listening to music, or reading. And don’t forget that the return is key! It is okay (and often wise!) to take a break from a conflict IF you agree to come back and discuss the problem later.
Photo by Paul Green on Unsplash
Example:
Partner 1: “Will you look at me when I’m talking to you? I get really frustrated when you shut down like this!”
A Better Option:
Partner 2: “I’m feeling really upset right now, and I don’t want to say something I regret. Can we take a break for a little bit and talk about this after dinner?”
It’s in YOUR Hands
The best way to avoid falling into the traps of the four horsemen is for both partners to look inward, and decide what YOU can do to improve your relationship. You can’t expect to control or change your partner, especially when you are using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. What you CAN do, is steadily work towards improving yourself and your contribution to your relationship. Using “I Statements”, practicing gratitude, taking responsibility for your actions, and cooling off when you feel emotionally flooded will help strengthen your relationship, and will keep the apocalypse of divorce far away from your marriage.
References
Beeney, J. E., Hallquist, M. N., Scott, L. N., Ringwald, W. R., Stepp, S. D., Lazarus, S. A., Mattia, A. A., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2019). The emotional bank account and the four horsemen of the apocalypse in romantic relationships of people with borderline personality disorder: A dyadic observational study. Clinical Psychological Science, 7(5), 1063–1077. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/2167702619830647
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Nearly anywhere we look, we can find lots of marriage advice – some good, some bad.
The quality and applicability of that advice varies based on source, but also simply because each relationship is unique. While some advice may be worth trying, the worst marriage advice is an age old comment.
“Never go to bed angry.”
This adage, repeated again and again, has some fundamental problems.
It suggests that in the face of conflict, one should resolve it in all circumstances, and be able to restore peace of mind before going to sleep. In theory, this sounds like a good idea. But it isn’t that simple.
When two people are engaged in a conflict, it is easy for emotions to run high, and that is normal. But late at night, when both parties are tired, those emotions run even higher and it is more difficult to be realistic and problem-solve. We are more likely to say something we will regret.
On the other hand, after a good night’s sleep – in the same bed – when both parties have been able to take a break and regulate their emotions, the conflict resolution can continue and is more likely to be resolved rationally and appropriately. Then the problem will not feel so overwhelming.
Photo by Maksym Tymchyk on Unsplash
Here is the one exception: going to bed should not be an excuse or a way to avoid your partner. This practice is not an avoidant one. Quite the opposite. It requires both parties to actively choose to take a break and resume the conversation in the morning. The attitude of “I’m just going to bed because I am done with you” will not work. It has to be an attitude of “We are both tired and upset. Let’s take a break and sleep it off. We’ll figure this out in the morning.” You’ll find that with the right attitude, the problem seems much smaller in the morning.
Doing this demonstrates an attitude of us vs. problem instead of you vs. me, and will help you preserve your marriage and the connection you each share.
During this, partners must sleep in the same bed. When one is required to sleep on the couch, it builds feelings of resentment and creates disconnection. Even in the face of conflict, partners can and must share their bed. By doing so, they demonstrate that their focus in the face of conflict is not on winning, but on solving the problem and fighting for their marriage.
In the face of your next evening conflict, practice this. Let us know how it goes!
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
We all know that it is important to express love, and many of us do so on a daily basis. But when was the last time that you expressed appreciation?
Saying thank you was something most of us were taught to do as children. But when the to-do lists and the stresses pile up, it is easy to forget those two little words – especially when it comes to our partner.
If you have not sincerely thanked your partner in a while, you might be thinking, “But my partner never does anything. I feel like I am doing all of the work.” Or you might be thinking, “But I work so hard, and I never get any thanks. I am the one who needs the appreciation!” Those may be valid feelings, and you can certainly communicate a need for more appreciation. But just like your parents probably taught you – you can’t control other people, only yourself.
The absence of “thank you” can quickly create burnout.
It is hard for people to feel motivated to work hard in their relationship if they are not appreciated. Burnout is common in my field of work, and after working in a human services capacity for years, I believe that it is even more important in maintaining and protecting a romantic relationship. When we tell our partner that we appreciate them, a specific quality about them, or something they have done, we are telling them that we notice their efforts. When people feel that their efforts are being noticed they are more likely to exert more effort into protecting and nurturing their relationship. In fact, research has shown that gratitude can actually facilitate and encourage other relationship-building behaviors such as spending quality time together! (Bartlett et. al, 2012)
Thank-yous can be simple.
Expressing appreciation needn’t be elaborate. Saying thank you is perfect because it is both incredibly simple and intensely meaningful. It only requires you to notice. It can be as simple as, “Hey, it meant a lot to me that I came home from work to a clean kitchen. Thank you so much for doing that for me.” Or, “Sweetheart, thank you for being so selfless this week. You have done so much for us, and it means a lot to me.” Or even, “I know you didn’t want to come shopping with me tonight, but I really appreciate you coming with me. Thank you for spending time with me.” It can be that simple. It just requires noticing and speaking up.
Create a culture of gratitude in your home.
Ultimately, the more that you practice expressing gratitude for your partner, the more you emphasize it’s importance and the more likely your partner is to express appreciation for you. (Armenta, Fritz, & Lyubomirsky, 2017) Without that culture, people feel unwanted, ignored and unimportant. And that is a terrible feeling to have in a marriage (or any relationship for that matter). When people feel that way, relationships suffer as a result. When people feel appreciated, however, they also feel wanted, needed, noticed and important. And when that happens, individuals and relationships thrive.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, take the opportunity to express appreciation to your spouse twice a day: once for something they do, and once for a quality you appreciate in them. At the end of the week, talk about how you have felt, and commit to keeping a culture of gratitude going in your marriage.
References
Armenta, C. N., Fritz, M. M., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2017). Functions of Positive Emotions: Gratitude as a Motivator of Self-Improvement and Positive Change. Emotion Review, 9(3), 183–190. doi: 10.1177/1754073916669596
Bartlett, M. Y., Condon, P., Cruz, J., Baumann, J., & Desteno, D. (2012). Gratitude: Prompting behaviours that build relationships. Cognition & Emotion, 26(1), 2–13. doi: 10.1080/02699931.2011.561297
Layous K, Sweeny K, Armenta C, Na S, Choi I, Lyubomirsky S (2017) The proximal experience of gratitude. PLoS ONE 12(7): e0179123. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0179123
Leong, J. L. T., Chen, S. X., Fung, H. H. L., Bond, M. H., Siu, N. Y. F., & Zhu, J. Y. (2019). Is Gratitude Always Beneficial to Interpersonal Relationships? The Interplay of Grateful Disposition, Grateful Mood, and Grateful Expression Among Married Couples. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 014616721984286. doi: 10.1177/0146167219842868
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Physical touch is a great way to connect. For many of us, kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands and sex help us feel a closer bond with our partners. Humans are biologically driven to connect with people physically, and many of us enjoy physical touch as our dominant love language.
Having physical touch as a dominant love language does not necessarily denote a high sex drive. It really just means that appropriate physical touch is how we feel the most connected to our other half.
“Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return.”
-Gary Chapman
Here are six ways to increase the quality of physical touch in your relationship.
1. Use Appropriate Touch to Communicate
Using appropriate physical touch can be a way of expressing not only love, but the other things we feel. We use physical touch to convey support, grief, play, humor, joy, appreciation, attraction, and unity.
Photo from pexels.com
For example, when my husband and I are having a difficult conversation (discussing something that is emotional for one of us, or when we are disagreeing and debating) we hold hands or rest one hand on our partner’s leg. That simple touch helps us connect and makes it easier to see problems not as ‘me vs. him’, but as ‘us vs. problem’. It is an easy reminder that we are not alone in whatever pain or frustration we may be feeling.
2. Make sure that not all physical touch is sexual in nature.
While sex is certainly an important part of romantic relationships, if physical touch is only sexual in nature, it can leave a person feeling objectified. Physical touch is not always meant to be foreplay either. If you find that you expect every long kiss or backrub to lead to sex, you need to reevaluate your expectations. If physical touch is expected to lead to sex each time, it will become less and less frequent, and often less sincere. It can also lead to painful feelings of loss and lack of connection if physical touch is your partner’s dominant love language.
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
Take opportunities to embrace, cuddle, make out, and even flirt or smack your partner’s butt without needing it to go anywhere! Massage your partner’s back or feet, or play with their hair. A nibble on the ear can go a long way too. Physical touch (including sex!) is less about personal pleasure and more about emotional connection.
3. If your relationship (and even sex life) is struggling, there may not be enough touch.
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, “What if I’m just not a toucher? I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.” The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
-Gary Chapman
As humans, we are biologically programmed to need human contact. Human touch creates semiochemical bonding and releases hormones like oxytocin. This semiochemical bonding cements couples together, and the oxytocin makes people pretty happy and excited about that bonding. If there is not enough touch happening, it is hard to feel connected to our partners.
4. Communicate your needs.
If you are not happy with the amount or style of physical touch in your relationship, communicate about it. Be open. If you can be vulnerable enough to be naked in a room together, why can’t you talk about what you need?
Photo from pexels.com
For example: my husband cannot hold hands for very long. When we hold hands, it is only for about a minute at a time. I worried that he did not want to be affectionate in public (something important to me), but his straightforward communication cleared that up. On the other hand, grabbing my butt is off limits if I am in a dress. For whatever reason, if I am in a dress, it just drives me crazy; otherwise, no big deal. I communicated this to him, and he has been perfectly respectful.
Affectionate touch should be enjoyable – we should feel good about it! If we do not, we have a responsibility to speak up. And if our partners communicate to us, we have a responsibility to respond appropriately.
5. Know your partner’s limits.
We all have our own boundaries – things we are uncomfortable with, and things we want and need. Keeping your partner’s limits in mind, and being respectful of those is important.
Photo from pexels.com
6. Emotional safety is just as important as physical safety.
Remember to keep your partner safe. Physical touch has to be appropriate. It can be fun and sexy and gentle and energetic and all kids of things, but if we ever touch our partners in ways that violate their safety, that is not okay. It just isn’t. Physical touch must include a sense of trust and the ability to be vulnerable and comfortable. If those feelings go away, we need to make some changes.
If you are involved in a physically or emotionally unsafe relationship, please get help. We all, regardless of our gender, orientation, history, or any other variable, deserve to be safe and secure in our relationships. Please reach out to a trusted loved one, the police, or other resources in your community for assistance.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
References
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the language of relational maintenance: A validity test of Chapman’s (1992) five love languages. Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19–26. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17464090500535822
Jakubiak, B. K., & Feeney, B. C. (2017). Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: A theoretical model and review of the research. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 21(3), 228–252. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/1088868316650307
Reddan, M. C., Young, H., Falkner, J., López-Solà, M., & Wager, T. D. (2020). Touch and social support influence interpersonal synchrony and pain. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 15(10), 1064–1075. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1093/scan/nsaa048
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
*Photo of Brett and Beatriz Burbank, provided by Remi Stoneman Photography
Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
With Valentine’s Day approaching, we want to teach about Gary Chapman’s five love languages. Many of you already know about love languages, and know what yours are. We are going to be reviewing each of the five love languages over February. This month, we have one goal, and we want you to join us in that goal. For us here at Healthy Humans Project, February is about learning to love our partners their way.
What does that mean?
It is so easy to express love to our partners the way we want to receive love – in a way that is comfortable to us. But are we really loving our partners the way they need us to? While our intentions are good, it may be that we are not loving our partner according to their love language, and therefore, they are not really feeling loved.
A person’s top two love languages are their most important. These love languages are: physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and gifts. I am not going to go into how each of the five languages work right now, so stay tuned, because we will go through all of them this month!
If you have not taken the test, or, if it has been a while, you can take it here.
We have homework for you, and it doubles as a date night:
Guess what your partner’s top two love languages are.
Each of you take the test using the link above (do not help each other).
Talk about your results. Bepositive. (This is not a blaming game!)
Good luck! Tell us about your results, and as always, contact us with any questions.
References
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Bunt, S., & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self‐regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 280–290. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/pere.12182
Gawda, B. (2019). The structure of the concepts related to love spectrum: Emotional verbal fluency technique application, initial psychometrics, and its validation. Journal of Psycholinguistic Research, 48(6), 1339–1361. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10936-019-09661-y
Robinson, M. D., Persich, M. R., Sjoblom-Schmidt, S., & Penzel, I. B. (2020). Love stories: How language use patterns vary by relationship quality. Discourse Processes, 57(1), 81–98. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/0163853X.2019.1627158
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
In the face of your next evening conflict, practice this. Let us know how it goes!
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, take the opportunity to express appreciation to your spouse twice a day: once for something they do, and once for a quality you appreciate in them. At the end of the week, talk about how you have felt, and commit to keeping a culture of gratitude going in your marriage.
