After you first get married, you go through an adjustment period of learning how to live with your spouse. This can be a really difficult adjustment for many couples as they may discover habits or personality traits in each other that they weren’t aware of, as little things that once seemed cute become more of an annoyance, and as more time together tends to reveal more gaps in “compatibility”.
Many couples may find themselves experiencing this wearing off of the “honeymoon phase” all over again as they are spending more time together due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Between working from home, missing interactions with other friends, coworkers, and family, trying to balance homeschool and taking care of kids, and the general stress of life during a time of crisis, you may be feeling a little more stuck with your spouse rather than happily married to them.
So how do you get back to that state of wedded bliss?? Is it even possible right now? While our current circumstances may present some unique challenges, there are a few practices that may help you and your spouse keep your marriage and love strong during this difficult time.
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Practice Positivity
In their research on couples, John and Julie Gottman have found that for every negative interaction, happy couples are having five (or more) positive interactions with each other (Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998). This ratio particularly applied to when couples were in the middle of working through a conflict, not even regular day-to-day interaction. If these happy couples were having five positive interactions for every one negative interaction during a disagreement, how many more must they be having in the everyday goings-on in their relationship?
This practice of positivity is not something that may come naturally, but it IS something we can be more intentional about, and therefore improve. Here are two ways you can more actively invite positivity into your marriage:
Emotional bids: Turn towards your partner
Sending out an “emotional bid” means making an attempt at connection (Lisita, 2018). Any time our partner sends us an emotional bid, it is an opportunity for us to turn towards them by responding in a way that validates and acknowledges their attempt. According to research by the Gottmans, “happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions” (Lisitsa, 2018). Check out this post for more info on emotional bids, and how you can turn towards your spouse.
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Show gratitude and appreciation
Expressing gratitude is an excellent way to strengthen your marriage and increase relationship satisfaction (Gordon, Arnette, & Smith, 2011). While you are practicing social distancing together at home, look for things that you appreciate about your spouse. Are they working hard from home to provide for your family? Are they helping the kids stay focused as they tackle school from home? Do they make the bed, put the baby down for a nap, or brave the grocery store to find food and toilet paper? Focus on the details. Gratitude is something that increases as you focus on it (Bono, 2018), so the more you practice noticing things to be grateful for, the more you will find!
Support Each Other
One unique challenge of this COVID-19 pandemic is that it has merged together the realms of work and home. Couples who may be used to spending work time apart are now having to figure out how to balance work and home life in one single environment. This can be particularly difficult because it gets rid of the automatic boundaries between home and work. When one or both partners work out of the home, it allows them to leave work at work, and have a healthy mental and physical separation between work and home life. Furthermore, it automatically divides many of the work and home roles, particularly for couples where one spouse works outside the home, and one spouse works as a stay-at-home parent.
Many couples may be struggling to find balance because of these blurred lines, which actually opens up the opportunity for more emotional sharing, empathy, and working towards a more equal partnership. Work together to have open and honest conversations about your needs during this time, and discuss how you can better support and help each other in your various roles and responsibilities. It may also be helpful to consider setting physical boundaries in your home to divide between work and family life.
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Remember Conflict is Normal
Conflict is a normal, and even healthy, part of every marriage relationship. When two people with varying backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives come together, they are naturally going to disagree on at least a few things. More time together can also lead to more opportunities for disagreements. If you and your spouse are dealing with a lot of conflict right now, don’t get discouraged by thinking you are doing something terribly wrong. Take comfort in the fact that conflict can lead to growth and a stronger relationship when handled correctly (Tartakovsky, 2018).
Here are a few things you can do to manage conflict in your relationship:
Take responsibility for your emotions
One way you can express taking responsibility for your own feelings is by using something called “I-Statements” (Darrington & Brower, 2012). Try this simple formula: “I feel ___________ when you ____________ because _____________.”
Saying “I feel” expresses ownership over your emotions. When we practice this in our disagreements, it helps us to focus on the problem at hand rather than become defensive and argumentative with our partner (Rogers, 2018).
Take time outs
When emotions start to escalate, our thinking brains shut down and it becomes easy for a disagreement to turn into a loud, angry fight (Gowin, 2011). One strategy to help you chill out when you are feeling emotionally flooded is to call a “time out”. Step away from the issue for a little bit, practice some self-soothing techniques, and return to the discussion after you are feeling calmer.
It’s not about “winning”
Don’t forget that the best way to “fight” in your marriage is to fight for your relationship. Ultimately, it isn’t about winning. Disagreements are about working together to find the best answer for your relationship – solutions that make both of you comfortable. Any time you reach a solution together, you win much more than you would have if you had gotten your way, or “beat” your partner.
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Still Have Alone Time
Alone time is an important and necessary way for many individuals to re-charge and self-care. Even though you and your spouse may be stuck in the same physical space, make sure you are each taking the time you need to take care of yourselves individually. My favorite ways to do this are by soaking in the bath, practicing yoga or meditation, and reading or writing! For my husband, he loves to unwind by listening to music, drawing, or going for a jog.
Make Time for Fun
Research has shown that one of the best ways we can keep our marriages strong is by intentionally having fun together (PREP Inc., 2015). With all of this extra time that we may not be used to having with our spouse, this is a great opportunity to get creative and have some fun!
Check out these posts for some ideas that you and your spouse can try for some fun at home:
P.S. Don’t forget about sex! Sex is a great way to incorporate fun and flirtatiousness into your marriage. During this time of high stress, make sure you are setting aside regular time to have fun in the bedroom together.
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Final Thoughts
While this worldwide pandemic may add extra stress and create unique circumstances in our marriages, the truth is, hard work is always required to keep love alive. If we choose, we can decide to see this time as an opportunity for us to re-focus on our relationships, and to incorporate intentional practices that will help us strengthen our marriages. Practice living right now so that when things return to normal, you will miss having this extra time together!
Read this post with your partner, and together choose one way to intentionally work on your marriage this week.
Gordon, C. L., Arnette, R. A. M., & Smith, R. E. (2011). Have you thanked your spouse today?: Felt and expressed gratitude among married couples. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(3), 339–343.
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family,60(1), 5. https://doi.org/10.2307/353438
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Rogers, S.L. and Others. (2018) I understand you fell that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. Retrieved March 14, 2019, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Most of us have had disruptions occur in our normal every day or even weekly routines. You or your partner or even both may be working from home now, your kids may have had school canceled and you may not be able to do your regular grocery shopping because all the toilet paper or pasta is gone. #whydoyouneed5cases These changes to routines can be hard. Do the best that you can to stick to the routines that you had before they were interrupted. For example, if you get up in the morning and meditate keep doing that. Keeping the routines that we had can help ease the anxiety about what’s going on around us. While you probably can’t do your usual routine exactly the way you used to, practice flexibility, make adjustments, and if you have kids, help them adjust to changes in their everyday routines (Roe, 2020).
2. Feel and Validate
There’s a lot of emotions that come up during times of crisis and every person will experience different emotions. Don’t get me wrong, this can be frustrating because some people are so calm and collected while others are in full panic-mode #imapanicker. It’s okay to feel however you are feeling. We are all going to have to process and deal with the emotions that we are experiencing. It’s important that no matter what emotions you have, that they are validated. LCSW, Tiffany Roe suggests taking some time each day to write down how you are feeling whether it’s on an app or with paper and pencil. Then once you finish writing, tell yourself, “it’s okay how I am feeling,” and then move on to other things (Roe, 2020).
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3. Set Boundaries for Your Current Events Media Exposure
This is one that I personally struggle with, especially as a news junkie, but it’s taking a toll. The reality is, we need to put boundaries around what media we are consuming right now. There’s a lot of news outlets and sources that are spreading misinformation. Stick to reliable sources for news and updates about what is going on. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is one of the best and most accurate sources for news updates about what is going on. They will also have some of the most reliable information with which to educate yourself. If you feel the need beyond the CDC to stay up to date about what’s going on, choose one news outlet and set a limit for how much time you spend watching or listening. It’s exhausting to see the news playing constantly and it takes an emotional toll, so please do your best to limit your media exposure. #keepcalmandturnoffthenews
4. Get Moving
Our bodies love to move! We’re designed to move and enjoy the movement that comes from our bodies. When you exercise, your brain releases chemicals like endorphins to help boost your mood and cope with the stress you’re experiencing. Plus, exercising helps increase circulation in your body and contributes to better overall health leading to a stronger immune system #nottodaycornonavirus (Harvard Health Publishing, 2014).
While you may not be able to go to the gym or your regular exercise classes, there are plenty of ways to get active at home. Turn on your favorite song and dance in your kitchen, get the whole family or your roommates involved and have a dance party. Hop onto YouTube and check out some free workout videos that you can do without the typical gym equipment. Dust off those video games that are active like Just Dance or Outdoor Adventure. If you have a yard, break out that Bocce ball set or even the baseball for some catch.
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5. Social Support
While you may be asked to socially distance ourselves from others, that doesn’t mean we need to cut ourselves off from social support. In fact, we need the social support more than ever. We are all going through this together and we all are dealing with emotions that can be hard to bear on our own. Check-in with your loved ones and those in your community. Technology has made this so easy. We can send a text or message through social media platforms, make a phone call or spend some time talking on FaceTime. Or, you could really venture outside the box by getting out the stationery to write some letters. It’s vital for mental health that we have social support even if it’s not in person. So don’t be afraid to reach out a little more, find someone with whom you can regularly check in to see how the other is doing. #introvertshavebeenpreparingforthiskindofsocializing
6. Use Social Media Intentionally
Social media is a great tool to help us connect to other people but it can also expose us to more news and information than we care to be exposed to right now. Rather than cutting yourself off from social media altogether, use your social media more intentionally. Share things on your feed that are positive and uplifting amidst the uncertainty. Share your favorite positive accounts to follow, and unfollow those who are toxic or just too much for you. A positive message can go a long way. Limit your social media time to what works for you individually. #dontcutitoffuseitbetter
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7. Do something on your want-to-do list
What’s something that you’ve been wanting to do but just haven’t had the time for? Maybe it’s starting on your To-Read pile or binge-watching a show on Netflix or Disney+. Maybe it’s breaking out the quilting supplies or doing that yard work. Maybe it’s taking a bubble bath. Doing something on your want-to-do list can ultimately be a form of self-care. It shows that you are prioritizing your own needs and desires, and can help you relieve stress. Doing even just one of those things will help your mental health because you will have gotten to do something that you wanted to do rather than only what you have to do. #streamingservicesandtoiletpapermanufacturersmayruletheworld
8. Humor
If you haven’t noticed I’ve used random humorous hashtags throughout this post because humor is a great way to cope. Humor and laughing make serious situations feel a little less daunting and anxiety-provoking. \Watch a funny movie, find your favorite comedian and watch their routines, make jokes, post your favorite memes and comedy to social media. Humor is a great way to bring people together and to brighten someone’s day. #whatshumor #laugh
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Other notes:
If you are still struggling to maintain your mental health, please seek out help. NAMI has provided a list of places that individuals can reach out to from home. Many therapists and counselors are doing online therapy to help people with their anxiety. You are never alone and there is help. We can get through this and there is hope! #wegotthis
Additionally, check out this link here for a list of mental health concerns and ways to cope with them. I have used this list and so have my family members, and it makes a difference – especially if you can’t afford therapy at this time.
Choose one of the items listed in this post to implement into your quarantine routine! 🙂
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
Read this post with your partner, and together choose one way to intentionally work on your marriage this week.
