Love, Me, Mental Notes, Power Couples

Stress Making a Mess of Your Relationship?

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Written by Emma Smith
They say that the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. If I may be so bold, I’d like to add stress to that list. Regardless of wealth, gender, or race you will experience stress in life. Moving, losing a job, starting a new job, the birth of a baby, the death of a family member are just a few of the major family stressors experienced by most families. These stressors have also been compounded in the last year with the major stressor of a global pandemic as recorded in the Harris Poll conducted in February of 2021. 
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A representative sample of the US population reports that their stress has increased in a variety of categories in relation to the pandemic. Not only are people dealing with the expected stressors of life as mentioned previously, but they are more anxious to seek out health care, stressed about potential job loss and financial troubles, and experiencing weight gain (Harris Poll, 2021). People are struggling to cope with their stress in healthy ways. I know I have been, and it manifests in our relationships.  
If I may, I would like to share a bit of my recent experience on the topic of relationship stress and what my husband and I have done to resolve it. In the past few months, my husband and I both quit our jobs, packed up our life, and moved to Texas for his graduate school. We were lucky enough to buy a home in Texas but as we know all too well, home ownership comes at a great price. In a matter of weeks, we found ourselves with a significantly reduced savings account and I found myself jobless and co-owner of a home in serious need of cleaning and repairs. We were stressed.
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For a while, I ran full-tilt into DIY home renovating with my excess of spare time. My projects were incredibly rewarding and I was really enjoying myself. That was until we ran out of our allotted project money. No project money, no more projects. That was about two weeks ago and I started to sweat. The stress of my continued joblessness despite my countless applications was taking its toll on me and on my marriage. 

A Different Way of Looking at Stress

Enter, the ABC-X model developed by Reuben Hill (Hill, 1949; Hill 1971; Peterson et al., 2013). While grasping for something to help myself personally and my marriage as a whole, I remembered the ABC-X model for family stress and decided to use the model to help me in my stressful situation. Let’s walk through it. 
A represents the event or situation causing the stress, the stressor (Boss et al., 2002; Peterson et al., 2013; Paragamet et al., 2013). In my case, my whole situation of joblessness and no more projects to distract me from my predicament are my A. B represents the resources available to the family experiencing the stress (Peterson et al., 2013). For many, resources can include family, friends, education, or coping strategies. Really anything that helps and acts as a buffer to the stressor (A) is a resource (B). 
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This is where I began to apply the model; I took a step back and asked myself, “What resources do I have?” I took more time applying for even more jobs and, because I am religious, I began praying daily for help to find a job that would hire me. I also reached out to my husband and told him about some of the feelings of inadequacy and frustration that I was feeling because of my perceived lack of contribution. Viewing my husband as a resource rather than a person I was actively disappointing helped lessen the stress on our marriage because I became less avoidant and fearful of judgement around him. 
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C represents the family’s perception of the stressor (Peterson et al., 2013). If the family’s perception of the stressor is that it is insurmountable or unmanageable, then the family will likely crack under the pressure. If the family views the stressor as a growth opportunity or a short period of trial, then the family will ultimately strengthen. It was at that moment that I also realized that I had been viewing this period of joblessness and never ending and I had been catastrophizing the whole situation in my own head. If I remain jobless, we will never financially recover from buying this home and we will never have savings again and so on. I needed to change my perspective (C) in order to reduce my stress and change the outcome of it all on my relationship.
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That brings us to X, which represents the level of stress (Peterson et al., 2013). The stressor (A), the available resources (B), and the perception of the situation (C) all affect the level or severity of stress (X) felt by the family. In my situation, I was feeling very stressed and like my husband was judging or blaming me for my joblessness despite my efforts. However, when I drew upon my resources, including my husband, and changed my perspective, my level of stress and the stress on our relationship decreased substantially. 
Though not guaranteed to work in every situation, this simplistic view of the ABC-X model could help you or your family cope with stress as it did mine. Start by identifying the stressor (A) and your available resources (B) both within and outside of the relationship. Then examine your perspective (C) of the situation; is it accurate or realistic? From there, draw upon your available resources and work to change faulty or pessimistic perspectives. As you do so, you should feel a lowered level of stress in your life and relationship.
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We cannot always remove stressors in our lives, but we can learn how to cope effectively and positively. Stressors do not have to crush us, they can instead strengthen us. It is a fact that fire burns wood but tempers, or hardens, steel. In a world of fire, are you made of wood or steel?
Practice using the ABC-X model in one of your relationships this week! Where are you currently experiencing stress? Identify the stressor, your resources for dealing with it, and your perception of the situation, and then evaluate how that impacts your stress level.

References

Boss, P., Bryant, C. M., & Mancini, J. A. (2002). Family Stress Management: A contextual approach (2nd ed.). SAGE.
Hill, R. (1949). Families under stress. Harper.
Hill, R. (1971). Families under stress; adjustment to the crises of war separation and reunion. Greenwood Press.
Pargament, K. I., Exline, J. J., Jones, J. W., Shafranske, E. P., & Walsh, F. (2013). In Apa Handbook of Psychology, Religion, and spirituality. essay, American Psychological Association.
Peterson, G. W., Bush, K. R., & Lavee, Y. (2013). In Handbook of marriage and the family. essay, Springer. 

 

Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Life and an emphasis in social work. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
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commUNITY, Love, Me, Mental Notes

It’s Okay To Grieve

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Written by Anasteece Smith
Grief.
It hits when you expect it the least. It hits you walking past the baby aisle in the grocery store. It hits you driving past a cemetery. It hits when you look at photos. It hits you when a pregnancy announcement or engagement comes through on your social media feed. It hits you when the holidays come and you’re thousands of miles from family. It never really leaves, and it comes and goes.

What is Grief?

Grief is “the response to loss that contains thoughts, behaviors, emotions and physiological changes; if the loss is permanent so too is the grief, but it evolves and changes as a person adapts to the loss (The Center for Complicated Grief: Overview).” Grief, while including death, also includes any loss that one can experience. This includes losses such as miscarriage, infertility, graduating from school, relationships, moving somewhere new, and health complications, to name just a few.
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Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

The “Stages” of Grief

There are no real set-in-stone stages of grief. Many of us have been taught the most well-known model of the Five Stages of Grief, however, research has gone on to show that putting grief into so-called stages can actually be incredibly damaging because not everyone will go through these specific stages. Compartmentalizing grief can create an idea of grieving wrong or incorrectly (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017). So rather than talking about stages of grief, I’m going to talk about various principles of grief drawn from these so-called stages in the next section.

Grieving

The most important thing to remember about grieving is that everyone grieves differently (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017). No two people will grieve in exactly the same way. It’s okay to grieve for things and people that others may not. It’s okay to grieve in the way that works for you. And remember while you are grieving to not compare the way you grieve to the way other people grieve.
Grief comes with a variety of different emotions. The most common emotions associated with grief are shock and disbelief, sadness, guilt, anger, and fear (Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019). These emotions are normal to feel with grief and sometimes will reappear at different points throughout grieving. Some people will experience all of these emotions, some may only experience a few, and that is okay because we all grieve differently.
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Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash
Grief can lead to questioning our belief-systems and understanding about life and the world. When a person dies we often ask questions like, “Why did this happen to them?” or, “Why not someone else?” or, “They were such a good person why did they have to die?” These questions are often based on ideas or belief systems such as the just-world hypothesis (the idea that when we are a good person we should only have good things happen to us). When these core beliefs are betrayed by mortality, they can be called into question, and that is OKAY. It’s okay to question and wonder why. Some will try to bargain with their higher power as part of their questioning. (Feldman, 2017)
Grief may eventually lead to acceptance. Grief helps us to come to the point of accepting both what happened and the emotions surrounding the loss as real and valid. There is no rush whatsoever to get to the point of acceptance (Feldman, 2017) and we shouldn’t feel the need to get there in a hurry.
The last point I want to make about grieving comes a little from research and from my own experience. Most people get through the hard, strong, initial grieving within about six months (DePaulo, 2019) but it’s okay if it takes longer. The initial grieving is hard and consuming but it does get easier. I say “gets easier” rather than “goes away”, because in my own life experiences I have found that grief ebbs and flows. Some days, grief shows right up and sits with me for a while. Other days it presents itself in small moments, and other days it’s virtually non-existent.
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Photo by J Waye Covington on Unsplash

Coping with Grief

Just like dealing with mental illness or a physical ailment, we have to cope with grief to live our everyday lives. Here are some ideas to help with grief:
  1. Seek support from friends and family members
  2. Find comfort in your faith (this can be religion or spirituality in general)
  3. Write in a journal
  4. Embrace your feelings
  5. Take care of your physical health
  6. Remind yourself that your grief is yours
         (Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019)

Final Thoughts

Grief is hard and it’s recurring. But it’s also an opportunity to deal with loss in the most human way possible. Grief at times may be consuming but it also provides an old friend as we go through loss throughout our life. Give yourself permission to grieve even if it’s from something from years ago in your past. It’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to re-grieve. And remember your grief is your own. Everyone will grieve differently and that’s beautiful.
Personal Practice 1Option #1: Share your thoughts about grief in your journal or on social media
Option #2: Share this post to help others learn more about grief

References

Coping with Grief and Loss. (2019, November 12). Retrieved January 15, 2020, from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
DePaulo, B. (2019, July 30). Those 5 Stages of Grief: Does Mourning Really Unfold Like That? Retrieved January 15, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/those-5-stages-of-grief-does-mourning-really-unfold-like-that/
Feldman, D. B. (2017, July 7). Why the Five Stages of Grief Are Wrong. Retrieved January 15, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/supersurvivors/201707/why-the-five-stages-grief-are-wrong
The Center for Complicated Grief: Overview. (n.d.). Retrieved January 15, 2020, from https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/professionals/complicated-grief-professionals/overview/
Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Boerner, K. (2017). Cautioning Health-Care Professionals. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 74(4), 455–473. doi: 10.1177/0030222817691870

 

 

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Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
 
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