Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer

My husband and I work together – and we love it.

But not everyone loves it. I will admit – at first, I didn’t.  Richard and I have had to establish boundaries.

Our jobs are fulfilling and remarkable. We work in different places on our campus, so we see each other only here and there throughout the day. Because we work in a social science field, with adolescents with a variety of diagnoses, strengths, and weaknesses, it is difficult not to take work home. We build relationships with all of these incredible teenagers (yes, we like moody teenagers; shocking, I know) and it is hard to leave that behind when we get home.

Whether you work together or apart, it is important to balance the two and make opportunities for clear couple time as well as debriefing and self care to recover after a hard day at work.

Boundaries Matter!

Richard and I have set specific boundaries. Our boundaries for balancing work may look different than the boundaries that work for others, but after research, classes, and trial and error, we have developed a plan that works.

Richard joined the company I work at over a year after I had been working there. I was nervous that, instead of acting like my co-worker, Richard would be my husband and try to rescue me when I was trying to work with an angry student. I admit that the fiercely stubborn and independent part of me did not want my husband coming and taking over my turf. We both have strong personalities, and I didn’t want all my hard work to be diminished by the amazing work my husband does. So what did I do?

I communicated.

Communication is Key.

No matter what boundaries you establish to keep your relationship stable and a safe haven after a long day of work, communication is essential.

Communicating my fears and stresses to my husband helped us define areas where we needed to establish boundaries. And since we have begun working together, we continue to communicate. It is not a one time conversation. We have frequent conversations as new situations come up.

When we get home from work, we communicate about our emotional state:

“I need time to decompress”

“I have a lot of adrenaline and want to use it to get things done”

“Can you rub my feet for about ten minutes?”

Or, if it has been a really hard day: “Tonight is a pizza and ice cream night.” Sometimes we actually have pizza. Sometimes we don’t. Regardless, it’s a code that tells the other person that we have had the worst kind of day.

Here are a couple of other tips:

Give your partner time to decompress.

1. Truly listen to the things that stressed your partner about their work day.

2. Allow your partner a set amount of time (we usually take 30-45 minutes) to relax before having to jump right in to home responsibilities. It takes time to turn off the work switch and turn on the home switch.

3. If you have a job that allows this, leave work at work as much as possible. At the very least, keep the work emails and calls to a minimum at home.

4. Set aside specific and regular date time. (We have Mondays and Tuesdays off, so we get all of our tasks done on Monday, and Tuesday is our date day. We run a few errands here and there, but we reserve as much of Tuesday as we can for couple bonding and self care.

5. Have alone time. This is so important! Just because you are married doesn’t mean that private self care isn’t important. We each have specific time for alone time in which we are not expected to get any chores done – it is time for us to relax and rejuvenate.

6. Trial and error. It takes time – some things work and some things don’t. Your relationship is unique and needs its own kind of customization.

Have a conversation about areas where you can improve the balance between work and home with your partner. Set up at least one new boundary. After implementing, communicate about how that boundary is working and make adjustments as needed.

References

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.