Power Couples

Wedding Nights for Virgins – What Your Mom Won’t Tell You

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Written by Rian Gordon, Updated August, 2021
Wedding night jitters are a REAL THING — especially if you are a virgin. I grew up in a very conservative and highly religious community where most parents encourage their children to wait until marriage to have sex. This is something that I am proud of and very grateful for, since waiting until marriage was exactly the right choice for my husband and I (there are lots of emotional, mental, and physical benefits to waiting for sex) (Abbott, White, & Felix, 2010). However, when parents are concerned about their children waiting to start having sex until they are married, they often unintentionally (or intentionally) create a lot of unnecessary fear and worry in their children about the subject (Brotherson, 2015). I was lucky enough to have parents and teachers who were helpful at educating me about sex in a healthy way, but I know that is not the case for everyone (click here for information on how to have healthy conversations with your kids about sex). In this post, I intend to hopefully take away some of the nerves you may be feeling about your wedding night and empower you to have a wonderful, joyful, and unifying experience with your spouse when you make love for the first time.
Warning: This post will most definitely contain words that might make some people a little uncomfortable. I get pretty candid here, but I promise to avoid being explicit. Just be prepared for some good, honest talk about sex.
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Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

– Before –

Do Your Research!

Something that can really help when it comes to preparing for your wedding night is doing a little research beforehand. Having regular exams with your doctor can help you be physically ready and identify any potential problems you may encounter (Note: It’s a great idea to get these exams yearly. You do NOT have to be getting married to have a physical with your doctor). Talk with your fiancé and doctor about your expectations about family planning, and make sure you have everything you need if birth control is in your plan (be aware that some methods can take some time before they start working). Books and classes can also be a great resource to help you learn more about how to prepare for sex. If you are in school, check and see what marriage preparation or healthy sexuality classes they might have available. If you are finished with school, or if there aren’t any available at your school, check and see if the community offers any sort of classes or workshops for engaged couples. Online courses are also a great option.
There are all sorts of different books on sex and lovemaking, but here are a few that I have liked, and that have been recommended by marriage and sex therapists:
  • Sexual Wholeness in Marriage: An LDS Perspective on Integrating Sexuality and Spirituality in our Marriages by Dean Busby PhD, Jason Carroll PhD, and Chelom Leavitt JD MS
  • Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman
  • You, Me, and We: A Practical Guide to Marital Intimacy by Dr. Anthony Hughes PhD
  • A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds by Douglas Roseneau
  • What Your Parents Didn’t Tell You about Sex: An LDS Guide to Sexual Intimacy by Dr. Anthony Hughes PhD
  • The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye
  • And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment by Laura M. Brotherson CFLE

    woman reading a book while sitting on black leather 3-seat couch
    Photo by Seven Shooter on Unsplash
It may be a good idea to read books (especially very descriptive ones) separately before your married, since reading about sex can really turn you on. If this happens to you, just be aware that it’s normal, and it’s good! You want to be excited about being with your spouse! Just be aware of how sexual materials affect you, and make choices that will help you reach your personal and couple sexual goals.
Note: Not all of the information in each of these books may be applicable to you. Take what you need, and run with that.

Talk About Expectations

Expectations can make or break a relationship, and they are particularly important when it comes to having a successful wedding night. Before the day of your wedding (I would recommend the day before, but talk about what will work best for you as a couple), it is a REALLY good idea to talk with your fiancé about how you would like your first night of wedded bliss to go. Talk about timing, what to wear, foreplay, how you would like intercourse to play out, whether or not you would even like to try having intercourse the first night, etc. It sounds counter-intuitive, since Hollywood has really made it look like spontaneity makes for the best sex, but talking about it beforehand can help to get rid of any of the fears or worries that you are both having, and it can help you to work together as a couple to meet each other’s expectations.
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Photo by Sorin Sirbu on Unsplash

Remember There’s a lot more to be Excited About

Despite all of the hype, keep in mind that sex isn’t the only thing to look forward to in marriage! Take some of the pressure off yourself and your partner by focusing on some of the other benefits of tying the knot. Keep dating, keep getting to know each other and having fun together, keep building trust, and keep strengthening your partnership as a couple (remember that great sex isn’t the only thing that makes a great marriage!).

– The Night Of –

Take Your Time

Once you get to the hotel, don’t feel like you have to rush right into things. It’s okay to take some time to get comfortable with the fact that you can do more than just kiss each other. Be open about the expectations that you discussed, and be willing to be flexible with them as feelings or desires may have changed now that the moment is actually here. Foreplay (such as undressing each other, taking a shower together, giving each other a massage, etc.) can be really helpful in helping you both relax and get into the mood. Remember that most women take at least 4x as long as men to get warmed up and ready to go (Busby, Carroll, & Leavitt, 2013)! Because of this, it can be a good idea for the woman to dictate timing — especially since intercourse can be a little painful the first time** (don’t let this scare you! Getting to know your body and talking with a doctor can help you determine what you can personally do to help your body prepare so that pain is minimal. One of them is using lots of lubrication). Also, do not get discouraged if ejaculation happens before you can get to intercourse. That is pretty common, particularly for virgins. Wait a little bit, keep enjoying each other, and try again later, if you like.
You should also realize that although orgasm is most often associated with penetration, it’s actually clitoral stimulation, not penetration, that leads to orgasm for most women (Nagoski, 2021). This is a biological sexual difference that can help husbands and wives attend to one another and practice selflessness and mindfulness in lovemaking. Take the time to discover one another’s preferences, and be patient as you try different things and learn what works best for the both of you.
** Although there may be a small amount of pain the first time penetration occurs, please be aware that sex is not meant to be a painful experience! If the pain persists, and you find that you cannot relax and enjoy intercourse, consider consulting with your OBGYN.

It’s Messy

This is the part of sex that the movies never tell you about. There is often a little bit of blood after first-time intercourse. Semen is also gloopy and dries sticky and, depending on what birth control you are using, it can make a bit of a mess. Be sure to lay out a towel if you want to be able to sleep in your wedding bed sheets. Packing some disposable wipes in your honeymoon luggage is a good idea. It is also a good idea for women to go to the bathroom and urinate after intercourse to help with cleanliness and prevention of urinary tract infections, and to help keep things clean. But don’t feel like you have to do this immediately. Feel free to cuddle first!
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Photo from pexels.com
Also be aware that you or your partner might make weird noises while you’re having sex. Releasing your inhibitions and completely relaxing together may bring on sounds that you didn’t know you could make. This is totally normal, and is all part of the fun. Don’t worry too much about making a silly noise, and if a noise that your partner is making turns you off, or makes you feel uncomfortable, find an appropriate time to kindly talk with them about it (just like you would with any other aspect of your relationship).

It Doesn’t Have To Be Perfect

The goal of your first time is not to end with both of you in simultaneous orgasm. The goal is to express your love for one another, be open with each other, and to explore each other. Don’t feel like your first time having sex together has to be perfect in order for it to be a wonderful and valid experience. Your first time does not determine the health of your future sex life. Be open to helping each other, feeling a little bit vulnerable, and maybe even giggling together as you try something totally new for the both of you. And remember — practice makes perfect!

– After –

Sex is an Ongoing Conversation

The key to having a great sex life is not hot young bods, spontaneity, or forbidden romance — the key is communication and continuing to get to know each other over time (Busby, Carroll, & Leavitt, 2013; Gottman, & Gottman, 2016; Leman, 2008). This is true from your first time making love, all the way through to the end of your life! Don’t ever stop talking with your spouse about your sexual needs and desires. Keep up an honest and open ongoing conversation about what you like or don’t like, how often you’d like to have sex, things you might like to try, whether or not your needs are being met, etc. These needs change over time, and expecting your spouse to read your mind (even after years of being together) is not realistic. Keeping the conversation going will help keep both your emotional and your sexual relationship strong, and will help you to continue to keep the spark alive throughout your marriage.
Personal Practice 1If you aren’t yet married: Write down hopes and expectations that you have for your wedding night.  How would you like things to go?
If you are married: Put into practice the principle that sex is an ongoing conversation. Have fun practicing making love with your spouse, and then talk about it! 🙂

References

Abbott, D., White, J., & Felix, D. (2010). NOT READY FOR SEX: An Endorsement for Adolescent Sexual Abstinence. International Journal of Sociology of the Family, 36(2), 159-179. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/23028827
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). The man’s guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the “love lab” about what women really want. New York City, NY: Rodale Books.
Leman, K. (2008). Sheet music: Uncovering the secrets of sexual intimacy in marriage. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House.
Marturana, A. (2018, May 07). Is It Actually That Important To Pee After Sex? Retrieved from https://www.self.com/story/is-it-actually-that-important-to-pee-after-sex
Nagoski, E. (2021). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Sandfort, T. G., Orr, M., Hirsch, J. S., & Santelli, J. (2008). Long-term health correlates of timing of sexual debut: results from a national US study. American journal of public health, 98(1), 155–161. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2006.097444

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Power Couples

Reality in Marriage: What if We’re Falling out of Love?

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Multiple people, married for a little over a year, come to me deeply concerned and say, “I am afraid that I don’t love my spouse as much as I did when I got married.” They are terrified that they are falling out of love and that their relationship may be headed for the rocks. Things aren’t bad, but they aren’t as great as they used to be either. The truth is, this process is completely normal, and if this is you, you haven’t fallen out of love. Welcome to the reality phase of marriage. Sometimes it can feel lonely and impossible, but hold on; you’ll get through this!

What is the Reality Phase?

Marriage has several stages, all completely normal. The honeymoon phase tends to last 12-18 months, and after the honeymoon phase, reality hits. When reality has set in, spouses may ask, “who did I marry?”, “did I make the right decision?”, or the dreaded, “what if I am falling out of love?” The answer is, you can’t fall out of love, because you can’t fall in love.
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Photo from pexels.com

So what is love?

You can’t fall in love because love is a process begat by decisive, intentional nurturing, time, and communication. You can fall in infatuation, however. Infatuation is the attraction, butterflies, and eagerness we feel at the beginning of new relationships. Infatuation is important; it helps us identify people we are attracted to and like so that we can make decisions to pursue relationships we are interested in. This helps us develop deep, lasting romantic relationships. Infatuation is important because it opens us up to romantic love, but it is temporary.
The early stages of love – the infatuation and honeymoon are presented to us by the same parts of the brain that give us cravings, obsessions, and motivation, while brain regions associated with decision-making and planning shut down (Fisher, 2016). Once the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain assisting in decision making, logic, and planning) gets involved in our relationships, reality sets in more and more.
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Photo from pexels.com
Love is not an emotion. Real, lasting love is a verb. But often we don’t think of it that way. We think of love as an emotion – something we feel for another person. If you keep thinking of it that way, remember that all emotions come and go. Happiness, fear, anger, sadness, and pleasure are all temporary. And if we define love as an emotion, that means that love is temporary too. There are times that we look at our spouse and feel connected and madly in love. And then there are times that we don’t feel that deep emotion. Because love is nurtured. It doesn’t exist randomly. We are responsible for creating our love lives – for creating a marriage that is the greatest love story of all time.

What’s next?

I want you to know that this is normal. The pain, the fear, the frustrations. It is all normal. I want you to know that you’re going to be okay. If you choose to, you will move through this, and on the other side, you will laugh at the experience. Celebrate, because as hard as this is, it means you are moving forward. You’ve hit the next phase of your relationship, and soon enough, you’ll reach the next one, cooperation.

How?

Reality is all about realizing and coming to terms with the faults of your partner, needing to accept feedback and accountability for your own flaws, and navigating how to make a relationship function practically. Once you are able to do this, you will be able to move on to the cooperation stage, which is all about working together and becoming a strong, organically functioning team. Here are a few things that will help you move from reality to cooperation more quickly and easily.
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Photo from pexels.com
1. Accept 10 flaws (or annoying idiosyncrasies) (Hill, 2013). I’m serious. 10. That sounds like a lot, but I am not talking about the really big things (addictions, abuse, fits of anger, overspending, victimizing, etc.). I mean accept the little things. So maybe he doesn’t load the dishwasher the way you would. You’re not a god. He loaded the dishwasher, express appreciation and be done with it. Maybe she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. So what? It’s toothpaste. You won’t die. Accept 10 of these trivial things. Because they are trivial. And if you can let them go, then you have much more time and energy to address the big things, as well as to celebrate the positive elements of your relationship.
2. Keep learning about each other. Though it may seem like it, you don’t know everything about each other. Ask questions, try new things, observe. This will help you to keep yourself partner-focused, identify new positive qualities, and appreciate new shared experiences. You have a lot to work through and are most likely to be successful in this endeavor when you “consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success (Anderson, 2018).”
3. Remember the Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. Relationships can thrive when 5 positive events and interactions exist for every 1 negative interaction (Gottman et al., 1998). These interactions can be simple, but they add up to develop meaningful experiences and beliefs, for positive or negative. Say “I love you”, “thank you”, “you’re so attractive”, “I love spending time with you”, etc. frequently. Kiss, hug, cuddle, massage, bring home little gifts, do little acts of service, frequently. This will help you continue to see value in your relationship and in each other while balancing and effectively addressing “the big stuff”.
4. Keep talking. In all relationships, communication is essential. Listening to your partner with the intent to understand is essential. I love this quote from Stephen R. Covey: “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart (Covey, 1989).”
Personal Practice 11. Focus on at least two of the suggestions above.
2. Cut both you and your partner some slack this week.

References

Anderson, S. (2018, June 10). Newlywed Crash Course – Dealing with Baggage. Retrieved from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/newlywed-crash-course-dealing-with-baggage/
Carrère, S., Buehlman, K. T., Gottman, J. M., Coan, J. A., & Ruckstuhl, L. (2000). Predicting marital stability and divorce in newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 42-58. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.42
Covey, Stephen R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Fisher, H. (2016, February 13). The Science of Love, with Dr. Helen Fisher. Big Think. Retrieved February 3, 2019, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YP4n9G0qtQ
Hill, E. J. (2012, August/September). Strengthening Marriage and Family: Proclamation Principles and Scholarship. Lecture presented in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Palmer, A. D. (2017, August 16). Are We Still in Love? Navigating Romance After the Honeymoon. Retrieved from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/are-we-still-in-love-navigating-romance-after-the-honeymoon/

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Project Parent

Talking to Your Kids about Sex: A Crash Course

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Written by Aubrey Dawn Palmer
Talking to your kids about sex is important, and it is not a one-time conversation. Discussing sexuality with your kids should be a relatively frequent conversation because the development and needs of children change as they mature. Growing up can be confusing, and talking about sensitive material can make parents uncomfortable. But as a parent, you are your child’s primary educator. What you say and what you don’t say teaches your children about sexuality, body image, and romantic relationships. Reflect: How do you approach touchy topics? What could you be verbally and nonverbally teaching your children? Here’s a crash course to help you guide your child through all the emotions and hormones and questions and relationships.

1. Remove the culture of shame.

Remember that as the parent, you are their number one resource for messages about sex. Like I said, what you say and what you don’t say communicates a lot to your kids. And kids are smart. If you are uncomfortable talking about sex, your kids will sense that. If you freak out when your kids ask questions, they will stop asking and instead will turn to answers from Google and the locker room. My guess is that you don’t want that. There’s a lot of inaccurate information out there. The way you approach sexuality must be natural and comfortable to prevent kids from feeling ashamed of their questions and completely natural feelings changes in their bodies.

2. Answer questions honestly.

Provide age appropriate, honest, and medically accurate answers. In this climate, professionals agree that children should know the basic process of sex and its function by the time they are eight years old. When I tell parents this, some agree and some panic. That’s understandable. But the world is become hypersexualized. And remember, the average age of first exposure to pornography is age ten. If your child saw pornography, but had never had a conversation about healthy sexuality with you, their reaction to that stimulus could be negative and even damaging. By being honest about where babies come from, you remove shame and awkwardness as well as confusion and curiosity.
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Photo from pexels.com
If you are uncomfortable answering a question, practice in the mirror. Children hear some crazy things at school, and they are going to ask. Elementary school kids are hearing about R-rated topics from their peers. If you can’t answer their questions in the moment without losing your mind, thank your child for asking you. Then tell them that you want to talk to their other parent and/or do some research on how to answer their question. Give them a specific time in which you will follow up. Answer the same day if possible. For example, “Thank you for coming to me with that question. That’s a tough one. I would like to talk to your dad/mom about how to answer that question. I will come and talk to you about it after dinner tonight.” Then go practice giving your answer in the mirror until you are completely comfortable saying it and showing no degree of shock or anxiety. And follow up on time! If you don’t follow up, you may demonstrate to your child that you are afraid to have tough conversations, and that can close down that communication that is so essential.

3. Get comfortable using correct medical terminology.

It’s that simple. Penis and vagina are not dirty words. They are medical terms to describe parts of the body. Imagine if you called your elbow a hoohah. You’d probably be ashamed of it. Referring to parts of the body accurately helps to prevent shame and keeps things clear.
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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Uterus is not a dirty word either! We need to stop saying, “the baby is in Mommy’s tummy”. It’s not. When I was a kid and my mother told me this, I was so confused. I pictured a little baby floating around in all of this digested food. I also knew that food turned to fecal matter, and so the picture of babies floating in fecal matter confused me even more. It didn’t make sense. A parent once insisted that it was impossible to explain a uterus to a young child. Watch this: “The baby is growing in Mommy’s uterus. It’s a warm place just for the baby to grow.”

4. Remember that sexuality is an important part of human life and is normal.

Again, this is pretty simple. As your kids grow and develop, they can be confused by the messages about sex that the world sends, images they see, things their peers say and do, and the way their bodies change. Be prepared to face these issues with them. They are growing, and their developing sexuality is a good thing. Help them see their sexuality as normal and teach them to make healthy decisions about their sexuality.

5. Talking about Sex is less about ‘plumbing’ and more about relationships and decision-making.

Most of us understand the basic anatomy and physiology of the digestive system. But does that keep us from downing too much sugar and ignoring the salad on the table? Sometimes. Apply this to sex. Just because you can identify the parts of the body does not mean that you are able to make healthy decisions about that body. Teaching kids – and especially adolescents – the basic process of sex and anatomy of reproductive organs is just not enough. Teaching kids how to make healthy decisions about their relationships and sexuality will make a difference. Help kids understand why and how to make healthy decisions. Help them learn to communicate, withstand peer pressure, advocate for themselves, and understand that actions have consequences, good and bad.
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Photo from pexels.com

6. Having these conversations early will help keep communication open through adolescence.

The earlier you begin, the earlier your children will trust you with sensitive topics. By openly communicating with your children early, you build a relationship and your children learn that they can rely on you to help them. Building that trusting relationship before your kids start dating and going through puberty will help that communication be easier when sexuality becomes more important than ever in your child’s life. If your children trust you, they will be more likely to talk to you about the good and the bad. And we need our kids to talk.

7. Be on the same page as your spouse.

Don’t leave it to the other parent to have the difficult conversations. These conversations do not need to be gendered. Mothers can talk to their sons; fathers can talk to their daughters. And mothers and fathers need to talk about their game plan together. How do you feel about dating? Modesty? Sex? What guidelines and boundaries will you set for your children?
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Photo by CDC on Unsplash
By being on the same page and presenting a united front, your children will see you as a family they can turn to if things go wrong, and will trust you to help things go right. Parents who are on the same page and have a plan create an environment of consistency, safety and trust for their children.Start talking!

References

Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Gordon, S., Ph.D. (n.d.). Why Sex Education Also Belongs in the Home. Retrieved July 30, 2018, from http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/parents/166?task=view
Hall, C. P., Ph.D. (2016, August/September). Teaching about Sexual Education. Lecture presented at Sexuality Education in the Curriculum in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Have you had ‘the talk’ with your teen? (2017, August 02). Retrieved July 31, 2018, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/sexual-health/in-depth/sex-education/art-20044034
Hill, T., LMFT. (2013, September 27). Sexual Intimacy. Lecture presented at Strengthening Marriage and Families Class in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Sex Education: Talking to your child about sex. (2017, August 30). Retrieved July 30, 2018, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/sexual-health/in-depth/sex-education/art-20046025
Talking With Kids: A Parent’s Guide to Sex Education[Pamphlet]. (2006). Chicago, IL: National PTA.

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

 

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Power Couples

When Partners Disagree: Navigating Differing Core Beliefs

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Written by Allie Barnes
A few weeks ago I asked my mom probably one of the most vulnerable questions I have ever asked her to answer: “Do you ever regret marrying dad?”
The question sounds far more dramatic than it is: I am not aware of any earth-shaking quarrels, abuse, heartache, or what have you in my parent’s relationship. They have been pretty happily married for over 30 years.
The question came about because of one simple fact: my parents do not hold the same religious beliefs.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Has this difference brought regret to my parents’ marriage? Can two individuals with differing core beliefs make a relationship last? And is it even worth it?
In the article “Psychology Finally Reveals the Answer to Finding Your Soulmate”, Dr. Ted Hudson of the University of Texas answers this question simply, “…a successful relationship does not hinge its posterity on how alike you are, instead it hangs on by the sheer will power and want to stay in a relationship.” The author elaborates further by saying, “…it’s not who you are or what you do that will prolong or help you find the perfect mate. It’s how you speak to each other, how well you get along, and how you move through time together.”
My mom answered similarly. While she acknowledged that the difference in religious beliefs has sometimes been difficult, she loves my dad, and she loves the good man he is. She also noted that while she chose to marry someone who didn’t share her same religious convictions, she has seen other couples begin their marriages with mirrored beliefs, only to have one change their beliefs later. As Dr. Hudson said, relationships last through “the sheer will power and want to stay in a relationship” more than through shared core beliefs—though that certainly may help.
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There are countless other core beliefs that partners could disagree on, including beliefs about politics, finances, parenting, and more. One of the most important ways to approach these differing beliefs is simply through respect—and that includes accepting your partner’s viewpoints and beliefs without trying to change them (for other ideas on how to approach the topic of core beliefs, read Aubrey-Dawn’s article here).
Regarding couple communication in the midst of conflict, Dr. Marni Feuerman states that couples should consider how “each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner’s dreams, which often amounts to fulfilling a core need regarding the issue at stake. Those couples who successfully navigate a recurring problem in their relationship [or, I might add, an enduring difference in core beliefs] have learned to express acceptance of their partner’s personality, and they can talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of each other’s position on the issue.”
Approaching differing core beliefs with respect, communication, and even curiosity creates an opportunity for greater understanding and empathy in any relationship, and can particularly foster greater emotional attachment within the couple relationship. What are some ways that you’ve grown closer in your relationships (friendship/dating/marriage/etc.) despite —or even because of— differing core beliefs?

References

Borbón, L. R. (2018, April 14). Psychology Finally Reveals the Answer to Finding Your Soulmate. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/psychology-finally-reveals-the-answer-to-finding-your-soulmate/
Feuerman, M. (2018, February 15). Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships: The Blueprints for Success. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships-blueprints-success/
Kelley, H. H., Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2020). Uniting and dividing influences of religion in marriage among highly religious couples. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 167–177. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/rel0000262.supp (Supplemental)
Toglia, M. (2018, April 25). Can Couples Who Don’t Agree On Politics Last? Retrieved from https://www.bustle.com/articles/191881-can-a-relationship-work-if-you-dont-agree-on-politics-5-tips-for-interpolitical-couples

 

 

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Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People. 

 

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Power Couples

A Solution for Terrible Marriage Advice

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Opinion Piece written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Nearly anywhere we look, we can find lots of marriage advice – some good, some bad.
The quality and applicability of that advice varies  based on source, but also simply because each relationship is unique. While some advice may be worth trying, the worst marriage advice is an age old comment.
“Never go to bed angry.”
This adage, repeated again and again, has some fundamental problems.
It suggests that in the face of conflict, one should resolve it in all circumstances, and be able to restore peace of mind before going to sleep. In theory, this sounds like a good idea. But it isn’t that simple.
When two people are engaged in a conflict, it is easy for emotions to run high, and that is normal. But late at night, when both parties are tired, those emotions run even higher and it is more difficult to be realistic and problem-solve. We are more likely to say something we will regret.
On the other hand, after a good night’s sleep – in the same bed – when both parties have been able to take a break and regulate their emotions, the conflict resolution can continue and is more likely to be resolved rationally and appropriately. Then the problem will not feel so overwhelming.
woman in white and black striped long sleeve shirt sitting beside man in black sweater
Photo by Maksym Tymchyk on Unsplash
Here is the one exception: going to bed should not be an excuse or a way to avoid your partner. This practice is not an avoidant one. Quite the opposite. It requires both parties to actively choose to take a break and resume the conversation in the morning. The attitude of “I’m just going to bed because I am done with you” will not work. It has to be an attitude of “We are both tired and upset. Let’s take a break and sleep it off. We’ll figure this out in the morning.” You’ll find that with the right attitude, the problem seems much smaller in the morning.
Doing this demonstrates an attitude of us vs. problem instead of you vs. me, and will help you preserve your marriage and the connection you each share.
During this, partners must sleep in the same bed. When one is required to sleep on the couch, it builds feelings of resentment and creates disconnection. Even in the face of conflict, partners can and must share their bed. By doing so, they demonstrate that their focus in the face of conflict is not on winning, but on solving the problem and fighting for their marriage.
In the face of your next evening conflict, practice this. Let us know how it goes!
For more information on healthy conflict-resolution, read our posts on Empathy, and Navigating Tough Topics.

 

4B3A0588editAubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

 

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