Therapists say that communication is the number one reason that couples come to therapy. Luckily, good communication can be learned. It may take practice, but here are some tips to get you started:
1. Active listening
WE ARE ALL GUILTY OF THIS. Do not just sit there thinking of what you are going to say in response to what your partner is saying. The greatest thing is that this is such an amazing skill for all of the relationships in your life. If someone is telling you about how they got in a fight with their mom, you should be listening to how they feel, not just half-paying attention, half-solving the problem in your mind and inserting your unwanted opinion. This is key: if a person does not ask you for advice or a solution, DO NOT GIVE IT. Men especially like to be problem solvers, but a lot of the time, women just want to talk about their feelings.
2. Use facts, not opinions (and know the difference)
If you are in a conflict, be aware of how you are speaking. Relationship experts Drs Sherod and Phyllis Miller have created a fun visualization to help you do this in their “Couple Communication Awareness Wheel”. In their program, “Couple Communications” (2018), you are encouraged to separate between what is feeling, what is thought, what is a want, what is action, and what came through sensory data. These are all very, very different things. Just because you take something as fact in your story does not mean that it is fact, or that your loved one will perceive it in the same way.
Awareness Wheel created by Drs Sherod and Phyllis Miller for their program, Couple Communications (2018).
3. Ask
This goes along well with active listening and really boils down to showing genuine interest in what your partner has to say. Express that interest throughout your conversation. Don’t interrupt when you shouldn’t be, but when it makes sense, ask for their perspective or for clarification. Take turns sharing points of view. There are many different ways to listen, but making sure that you are engaging in the conversation by showing genuine interest will help you master communication.
4. Reinforce and agree
Focus on what you agree on. The act of engaging in a difficult conversation alone is a pretty good sign that you want the relationship to succeed. That’s your first common ground. Let your partner know when you support what they are saying. Paraphrase what they are telling you so that you can make sure you’re on the same page. Reinforce their feelings – because they are as valid as yours are.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
5. Intimacy
I’m not just talking about sex, people. There are so many different types of intimacy. Yes, sexual intimacy is one, but there is also physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, experiential intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and even spiritual intimacy. Each is important in its own way, and each is important to build a healthy relationship. Intimacy, in its simplest form, is trust. If you are able to trust your significant other with your emotions, your experiences, and your spirit, things will be okay. Working on building this trust in small ways over time will pay off in a big way as these conversations come about.
Finally, knowing the personality and communication style differences between you and a loved one can help you better be aware of the best means of communication. Being able to reach out to someone in the way that is best for them can help create a relationship of trust that good communication can only build upon.
Take one of the personality tests below with a loved one (whether your relationship is a romantic one or not) to strengthen your ability to communicate love and respect for one another.
Friston, K. J., Sajid, N., Quiroga-Martinez, D. R., Parr, T., Price, C. J., & Holmes, E. (2021). Active listening. Hearing Research, 399. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.heares.2020.107998
Meyer, J. C. (2014). Communication, relationships, and the choices we make. Southern Communication Journal, 79(3), 172–179. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/1041794X.2014.914420
Miller, S., Wackman, D., Nunnally, E., & Miller, P. (2018). Couple Communication. Retrieved from http://couplecommunication.com/.
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial Conversations. New York: McGraw-Hill.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
For some, chatting with children comes very naturally. But for many, it can feel uncomfortable and awkward. As we age, we tend to understand children less and less. The way they think, communicate and view the world becomes foreign to us, even though we too were once children.
Think of the last conversation you had with a young child. It probably felt a little one-sided! They probably didn’t get the punch line to your joke or answer the question you asked in the first place. The fact of the matter is, kids speak differently than adults, and if we hope to foster intelligence and success in our children, we need to do a better job of meeting them where they are at developmentally.
Here are the basic tenets of speaking children-ese. Mastering these basics will help you feel more confident in conversing and connecting with the children in your life.
Photo from pexels.com
Speaking to children is just as much a physical activity as it is verbal.
The physical act of getting down to a child’s level cannot be underestimated. This communicates to the child, “I’m here. What you have to say is important. And I’m ready to give you my full attention.” When we talk about getting down to a child’s level, we mean quite literally, get down to a child’s level! Once you’re down, look them in the eyes. Eye contact communicates to the child that they can expect to be taught something and engages their focus (Csibra & Gergely, 2009). Literally reaching out and gently touching the child then lays the groundwork for verbal communication as it instills a sense of security and affection (Gordon et al., 2010).
When it comes to words, less is more.
Kids are very literal. Metaphors and sarcasm are often lost on them unless concisely explained. Similarly, our society is filled with cultural norms and niceties that confuse children. Common phrases like “I’d prefer it if you…” or “I’d feel more comfortable if…” send a complicated message by giving children a sense of choice when in reality, there is none. “Please stop” and “This will keep you safe” have much more meaning to a child and leave no room for interpretation.
Photo from pexels.com
As adults, we tend to constantly be thinking of the future and what’s next on our to-do list while children tend to focus on the here and now. They are masters at living in the moment because developmentally, children cannot conceptualize the future well. Phrases like “we’re leaving soon” or “it’s almost time for school” are much less effective than, “you have time to read one more book before we go” or, “it’s time for school, please put your shoes on.” Verbal communication with children must be guided by two principles: be direct, be concise.
What we can learn from children.
Although we as adults are thought to be the teachers of communication, we can learn so much from children! We can follow their example by giving less thought to the future and slowing down and living in the moment. As well as by using direct and concise language to express ourselves.
The next time you talk with someone, practice communicating like a child by giving them your full attention, being direct and concise and perhaps most importantly, being present. Implementing these practices will be invaluable to your relationships!
Photo by Patryk Sobczak on Unsplash
To sum things up.
The challenge of speaking children-ese is not so much that it is a foreign language, rather it is that it requires our full attention. As adults, we have to re-learn how to communicate simply and directly and cut out physical distraction and verbal fluff. The more we master these basics, the stronger and more meaningful our connections will be with the children in our lives.
The next time you chat with a child in your life, implement these practices:
Physical
Get down on their level
Look them in the eye
Reach out and touch them
Verbal
Practice speaking literally
Live in the moment
Be direct and concise
References
Csibra G, Gergely G. (2009).Natural pedagogy. Trends Cogn Sci. Apr; 13(4):148-53.
Gordon I., Zagoory-Sharon O., Leckman JF., Feldman R. (2010). Oxytocin and the development of parenting in humans. Biol Psychiatry 68: 377-382.
Romeo, R. R., Leonard, J. A., Robinson, S. T., West, M. R., Mackey, A. P., Rowe, M. L., & Gabrieli, J. D. E. (2018). Beyond the 30-Million-Word Gap: Children’s Conversational Exposure Is Associated With Language-Related Brain Function. Psychological Science, 29(5), 700–710.
Tompkins, V., Montgomery, D. E., & Blosser, M. K. (2021). Mother‐child talk about mental states: The what, who, and how of conversations about the mind. Social Development. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/sode.12551
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Having personal boundaries is key to ensuring relationships of any type are supportive, uplifting, and respectful. Boundaries help us maintain our own needs and help us stay in-tune with ourselves. We all need boundaries – they truly pave the way for us to be at peace and maintain healthy relationships.
What even are boundaries?
First thing’s first: A boundary is not a boundary if it is hurtful. Implementing boundaries can be awkward or uncomfortable at the beginning, but fundamentally, boundaries exist to help both the person setting the boundary and the person who is “receiving” the boundary.
Boundaries are usually physical and/or emotional limits that you don’t want others to cross. They typically help you recognize the amount of time, money, or energy you can afford to give to others. Essentially, boundaries can be anything you want them to be. I know, I know, that’s not very specific, but they vary by circumstance and are set to make you feel safe. “Generally, this sense of safety evolves from having an appropriate balance of closeness or distance in the relationship and also the extent to which people involved in the relationship have dual roles (e.g., therapist and friend)” (Lord, Summers, & Turnbull, 2004). Boundaries can exist in any type of relationship – a roommate, a parent/child, romantic partners, siblings, friends, coworkers, professional/client, and more!
When I was in college, I had a roommate with very severe anxiety and depression. They attempted suicide multiple times while we were living together – and we were the only two individuals in our apartment. I got to the point where I had severe anxiety going/being home because I was so worried about my roommate. I was one of only a couple of people that they socialized with, so I felt very responsible for their well-being and assisting in their mental health. With the guidance from a mentor, I set the boundary with my roommate that if they needed to talk about deep-specifics, they would have to turn to another individual. If they were feeling suicidal, I would immediately call the on-campus emergency hotline. I also encouraged them to find a therapist better able to meet their needs. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to love and support them, because I did, but to maintain our friendship and help both of our emotional states, I had to vocalize that boundary and why I needed it.
Graphic by @the.holistic.psychologist
How do I actually set a boundary?
“Establishing appropriate boundaries is a skill that requires a lot of thought and practice” (Cosio, 2014).
Here are some steps to get you started:
Be direct. Clear communication is the key to setting boundaries. As I mentioned before, it can be a little awkward to tell someone that you need space or they can’t borrow any more money from you. I would encourage you to write out your reasoning in order to best be able to explain what boundary you are setting and why.
Be assertive. Almost as difficult as setting a boundary is following through on a boundary that you’ve set. It can be easy to justify why you should make an exception “just this once” or that “this’ll be the last time,” but being flaky about your needs will leave you worse off than where you started.
Have support. If the boundary that you are setting has the potential to benefit more than you and the individual you’re making a boundary with, discuss it with them beforehand. The more ideas and ways to approach a situation you have, the better. Be sure that you have someone to turn to throughout all parts of the boundary-setting process.
Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash
Internal Boundaries
Healthy internal boundaries help you to not feel responsible for the actions and feelings of others. This is not to say that we shouldn’t be aware of those around us, rather, we should have the strength to make sure we aren’t absorbing or obsessing over other people’s problems. This can be really difficult! But setting internal boundaries can help you feel empowered to set external boundaries as well.
Note: It’s easy to feel guilt or shame when setting any kind of boundaries, but sometimes I find it harder to disappoint myself than others. This guilt should be faced head-on. Usually, it means that your boundary-setting is on the right track.
In this digital age, we are always connected. You can access your work email on vacation. Your husband can text you when you’re with a friend. These days, it’s hard to devote our time, energy, and resources to just one thing. But “creating healthy boundaries helps maintain work-life balance, promote resilience, and develop stronger coping strategies” (Holowaychuk 2018). It takes time and practice, but it is an important life skill to have.
Write a personal mission statement. What are you dedicated to? Even if you don’t feel like you have any boundaries to set, this can help you to evaluate whether or not worrying about others’ emotions and problems is holding you back from what you expect from your life.
References
Cook, J. L., Jones, R. M., & Vaterlaus, J. M. (2017). Drawing the line: An exploratory study of single college student perceptions of marital boundaries in opposite sex relationships. Marriage & Family Review, 53(2), 151–165. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01494929.2016.1186771
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
In today’s world of Facebook rants, cyberbullying, and Youtube trolling, it seems near impossible for anyone to share any sort of opinion without someone else jumping right on in to explain why they are wrong. The truth is, as human beings, we experience the world differently. Because of varying backgrounds, perspectives, and life experiences, we are going to have differing opinions, and yes, even disagreements! This is normal, healthy, and can even be helpful (read on to find out how…). However, most “discussions” that we see happening around us, particularly on social media, often turn into anything short of an all-out riot rather than helping us find mutual understanding and empathy. So how can we avoid this? How can we disagree with someone and still remain civil (and maybe even benefit from the disagreement)?
Step 1: Keep it Private
Facebook is NOT the place for a conversation where you are seeking to understand or be understood. If you want to have a real conversation with someone where mutual understanding is the goal, be intentional about having that conversation in some sort of private setting (whether that is in person or not). Consider having a video chat or at least a phone call so that you are able to notice body language and voice cues rather than just reading a text (it’s been argued that the actual words we say only make up about 7% of what we communicate (Mehrabian, 1967), so being able to read other non-verbal cues helps lower the possibility of misunderstanding). Create a space where both participants can feel safe, and free from fear of judgment or attack.
Photo by Jessica Da Rosa on Unsplash
Step 2: Listen and Learn
The most beautiful part about associating with people you disagree with is that we can all learn from each other. If we all thought the same, we wouldn’t need each other. Our varying experiences allow us to gain perspective, and to work together to make this world a better place! The goal of a conversation where there is disagreement on an issue should be empathy, not “winning”. Empathy (taking on someone else’s perspective) is what turns conflict from something divisive into something productive (check out our other articles here, here, and here to learn more about the power of empathy). It can help us come out of the other side of an argument feeling closer and more understanding towards each other. When you listen with empathy, you also have a better chance of learning something from the disagreement, whether or not what you learn changes your opinion. The point is, strive to see disagreement as an opportunity for connection and understanding rather than a fight to be won.
Step 3: Don’t Put People In a Box
When we disagree with someone on a specific issue, it can be easy to make assumptions about other parts of their lives. Just because someone thinks one way about one matter, doesn’t mean that you can assume that you know all of their other thoughts and feelings. When you notice yourself making an assumption about someone, stop, take a mental step back, and ask yourself, “What is something true (not an assumption) that I know about this person?” Are they a loving parent? A good friend? A hard worker? Rather than getting caught up in your diverging opinions, focus on positive qualities that you KNOW they possess and allow those to shape your opinion of them.
Step 4: Avoid Black and White Thinking
We’ve all heard the adage, “You’re either with me or against me.” Black and white thinking involves the perspective that there is only one way to do or see something. This thinking pattern can be incredibly harmful when we are trying to communicate with others. When it comes to people’s experiences, thoughts, and choices, chances are they are FAR more nuanced and complicated than we can understand from just a single opinion. When you are having a disagreement, remember that the person you are talking to is part of your same human family and that having a certain opinion doesn’t automatically make you enemies.
Photo by Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash
Step 5: The Care is Still There
Finally, it’s important to realize that you can disagree with someone and still care about them. When we disagree about an issue, it can be easy to take that disagreement personally. This builds on the previous steps. Creating a private space of mutual respect, safety, and empathy, along with avoiding assumptions and black and white thinking can help someone to know that you still care for them, even if you disagree.
Even though disagreement can sometimes be uncomfortable, we don’t need to be afraid of it. When we keep conversations civil and make connection our mutual goal, our different opinions can be a source of learning, empathy, and progress rather than venom and frustration. The next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, slow down and try to remember that relationships are more important than always being “right”.
The next time you see something on social media that you disagree with or that makes you angry, DON’T REPLY ON THE COMMENT THREAD. Practice restraint, wait a few hours, and then if you still have something that you feel really needs to be said, reach out and have a private conversation instead.
Mansfield, K. C., & Jean-Marie, G. (2015). Courageous conversations about race, class, and gender: Voices and lessons from the field. International Journal of Qualitative Studies in Education, 28(7), 819–841. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/09518398.2015.1036950
Mehrabian, A., & Wiener, M. (1967). Decoding of inconsistent communications. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 6, 109-114.
Moffitt, U., & Syed, M. (2020). Ethnic-racial identity in action: Structure and content of friends’ conversations about ethnicity and race. Identity: An International Journal of Theory and Research. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/15283488.2020.1838804
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis
As I have discussed in my previous two articles here and here, Brené Brown’s Rising Strong Process helps us move through conflict and emotions. Our final step is one of the most impactful ways we relate to our spouse: empathy. But giving or receiving empathy first requires vulnerability. We experience vulnerability when we face uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure (Brown, 2007).
In our marriages, vulnerability can be felt by both partners. It is sometimes a last resort after trying every other comfortable, non-emotionally exposed way to solve a conflict (Brown, Rising Strong, 2017). Vulnerability is scary, but when we respond in empathy we say “I can hear this. This is hard or uncomfortable for me, but I can sit here with you and hear your story.” (Brown, 2007)
Steps to Empathy (Brown, 2007):
Being able to see the world as others see it
Being nonjudgmental
Understanding another person’s feelings
Communicating your understanding of that person’s feelings
When we are truly empathetic, we allow a safe physical and emotional space for our spouse to open up. When a spouse is confident their feelings and fears will be met with understanding and love, it is easier for them to share. That is why vulnerability is the pathway to empathy; “sharing our stories allows us the opportunity to connect and experience empathy” (Brown, 2007) – especially from our spouse.
If you find vulnerability or empathy is new territory, be honest. Say “I know this is hard for you to tell me, but it is also hard for me to hear. Can we go slowly?” Or perhaps ask for the conversation to happen in more than one sitting.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Expressing empathy can be more difficult for men because it includes being vulnerable. Because of societal gender norms, showing emotions in this way can be viewed as weak. Gus Worland, founder of Man Up (a nonprofit in Australia), is determined to educate about the risks of men staying silent – assuring them that to truly “man up,” is to share. Wives, if this is something your husband struggles with, encourage and assure him that there is strength in vulnerability. But also seek to be patient and meet him where he is.
“If we judge ourselves harshly and are incapable or unwilling to acknowledge our emotions, we can struggle in our relationships with others. We have to know and accept ourselves before we can know and accept others.” (Brown, 2007) We can encourage our spouses and help them learn to be empathetic, but don’t push them where they are not ready. As much as we hope to receive empathy from our spouse, also be sure to extend empathy to your spouse. Those who both give and receive empathy are more resilient in relationships. (Brown, 2007)
If you are having a hard time understanding what empathy is in real terms, watch this animated video (we’ve shared this before, but it’s a really good one!).
Photo by Christina Rivers on Unsplash
Misconceptions about empathy
How can I be empathetic if I didn’t experience the same things?
We may not know what it is like to be a black woman in an all-white law firm, but we most likely can relate to feeling left out, alone or belittled. The key to empathy is to hone in on the emotion, not necessarily the situational details. (Brown, 2007) “Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” (Brown, 2007)
Love, then fix.
Some spouses really like to fix things, and sometimes their partner just wants to be listened to. (Like with this nail.) For the partner seeking empathy, recognize that while your partner may not always be able to name or understand how you are feeling, the fact that they are reaching out to fix the problem indicates that they see your pain and want to ease it. Meet your spouse where they are, and appreciate any help. Also help them understand that offering empathy first may make someone more receptive to help. For the partner seeking to fix, try slowing down, listening, and asking your partner when they share, “are you wanting me to help you find solutions right now, or are you just wanting empathy?”
Does it excuse behavior?
To show understanding is not to condone. Empathy is the right path towards positive change because it helps us know that we are more than our mistakes. It says, “you are not alone in your struggles, and we are in this together.”
Photo by Justin Groep on Unsplash
In the same way that empathy is the antidote to shame, lack of empathy often results in shame. Not just guilt, but shame. Guilt sounds like “I made a mistake” and shame sounds like “I am a mistake.” While shame does not motivate change, guilt is a very strong motivator (Brown, 2007). In a recent longitudinal study, 380 5th graders were measured in their proneness for shame. At age 18, those with just guilt-proneness predicted less delinquency, while those who were shame-prone were more likely to have unprotected sex, use illegal drugs and had more involvement in the criminal justice system (Stuewig, 2016). When we use shame as a motivator for behavioral change, it will have lasting negative effects. “How can we apologize for something we are, rather than something we did?” (Lerner, 2001) Shame defines us, but guilt is only part of us. Empathy can give us the confidence and support to positively change without shame.
It can be easy to confuse sympathy and empathy. Empathy is having the courage to reach across the world to understand someone else. Sympathy is when we look at others from our side of the world and feel sorry for them (Brown, 2007). We see their hurt and say “I’m sorry that this happened to you, but let’s be clear; I am over here and you are over there.” (Brown, 2007) Sympathy exacerbates shame and is about separation rather than compassion and connection.
Sympathy-seeking
When someone else is seeking sympathy, it can be easy to spot: “Feel sorry for me because I’m the only one this is happening to” or “my situation is worse than yours!” People seeking sympathy are not looking for empathy or connection, but rather for confirmation of their uniqueness. (Brown, 2007)This can feel like a no-win situation, especially in marriage. “One the one hand they are telling us they have it worse than anyone…. But they are [still] looking for our validation…which rarely produces real connections.” (Brown, 2007)
However, sympathy-seeking can be hard to spot in ourselves—especially in marital conflict. To combat this, ask yourself what you seek when you open up: connection or confirmation of uniqueness? It can be easy to resort to sympathy-seeking because both require sharing. We use the guise of vulnerability to disconnect. Sympathy-seeking is usually about over-sharing or making a spectacle of ourselves and not vulnerability. True “vulnerability is not live-tweeting your bikini wax. Vulnerability is about trust, intimacy, and connection. We share with people who have earned the right to hear the story.” (Oprah.com) And hopefully, that is your spouse.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Empathy in Marriage
Empathy can be especially difficult in marriage as we often have different perspectives – especially due to gender differences and families of origin. In my case, opposites attract. I am from the west coast; my husband is from the east coast. Despite our similarities, differences in our background can cause problems. We come from different life views and family experiences. This is where we have to be wary of sympathy-seeking and other disconnection tactics because of differences between spouses.
But I think this is also why empathy can also be so powerful in a marriage. When we can truly show love and step into another person’s shoes, we show our dedication to loving our spouse through understanding and listening. Women especially find more satisfaction in marriage when there is more empathy (Waldinger, 2004).
Revolution
The final step of the Rising Strong process is Revolution. It gives us a new vision of what is possible. When we can dig into our stories, personal and shared, we can make way for more authenticity, learning, wisdom, and bravery because of our vulnerabilities and “dark emotions” (Platek, 2018). And we can find power when we foster empathy in our marriages.
“Every human must be able to view the self as complex and multidimensional. When this fact is obscured, people wrap themselves in layers of denial in order to survive.” (Lerner, 2001) But “to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to keep it intact, you must give it to no one.” (Lewis, 1960)
When we do not share ourselves we lose the chance to experience empathy (Brown, 2007). When we do not share with our spouses, we lose the chance to be fully loved and to love fully. We miss the chance to share every complex, multidimensional, broken, uncivilized, messy, beautifully human part of ourselves. Love is about vulnerability; you could get hurt, or you could be healed. Each step of the Rising Strong process can be terrifying, but it can also be transforming. Have the courage to connect through all of it—and Rise Strong together.
Practice perspective-taking by looking at the people around you and giving them a story. Where are they from? What are their favorite foods, hobbies, friends? What do their realtionships look like? What kinds of struggles have they been through? What do they have in common with you? Really get inside their heads and their lives! This exercise will hopefully help you to better understand that everyone has a story. When we seek to understand the stories of those around us, we will better be able to empathize and love them.
Brown, B. (2017). Rising Strong. New York: Random House.
Jeffrey Stuewig, J. P. (2016). Children’s Proness to Shame and Guilt Predict Risky and Illegal Behaviors in Young Adulthood. Child Psychiatry Human Development , 217-227.
Lerner, H. (2001). The Dance of Connection: How to talk to someone when you’re mad, hurt, angry, scared, frustrated, insulted, betrayed or desperate. New York: Harper Collins.
Waldinger, R. (2004). Reading Others’ Emotions: The Role of Intuitive Judgements in Predicting Marital Satisfaction, Quality, and Stability. Journal of Family Psychology , 58-71.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children. Melissa has a passion for sharing her knowledge and experiences with other women, to empower them to be their best selves. She writes about faith, family, love and relationships with the occasional baking metaphor.
Take one of the personality tests below with a loved one (whether your relationship is a romantic one or not) to strengthen your ability to communicate love and respect for one another.
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU.