Guest Writers, Project Parent

3 Tips for Improving Your Child’s Communication

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Cover photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels

Written by Kjirsten Keetch of Teeny Talkers
“Communication is your ticket to success, if you pay attention and learn to do it effectively.” – Theo Gold
We all know that communication is vital in relationships.  But have you ever considered how this applies to the parent-child relationship? When children can’t properly communicate and when parents don’t know how to help, that relationship suffers. 
Now, we know that no child (or grown person!) is perfect at communication, but helping our children learn language, including the ability to ask for what they want, say whether or not they like things, and label items, can be vital in reducing frustration in the home.
So what are some of the best ways to help your child learn and use language?

Play with your child

A clinical report from the American Academy of Pediatrics states that play with parents and peers promotes brain development and “the formation of the safe, stable, and nurturing relationships with all caregivers” (Yogman, Garner, Hutchinson, Hirsh-Pasek, & Golinkoff, 2018). So it’s a double whammy! You get brain development in almost all areas and improved relationships. 
Photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels
Play is the modality through which our children learn. So if we want our children to learn language, we need to incorporate language into play. Start by sitting on the floor with your child. Then either initiate a fun sequence or watch what your child does and imitate them. Then, find a way to incorporate language. 
For example, say your child is playing with a car. Take another car, and play alongside them. Depending on their age, you could say something like, “Vroom!” or “Go car!”.  Then repeat, repeat, repeat!
If your child is at the imaginative play stage, the possibilities are endless! Just play with them and add language (preferably 1-2 words they haven’t yet mastered) to whatever you’re doing.
Photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels

Read with your child

This study found that children who were read to daily (about 5 books) were exposed to over a million more words by kindergarten than children who were not read to.  What does this mean? Well, we can’t expect our children to learn language when they’re not exposed to language.  Books contain words that we don’t usually experience in our daily lives. They also help our children learn sentence structures, rhyming, and the basic structure of stories.
Is it ever too early to read to your children? No. It will never be harmful to include books with play. Just remember to keep reading a positive experience. So don’t push your children past their attention span. If your child is young and you can’t read many books at once, don’t worry! Just try to include stories in a few parts of your day.
Photo by nappy from Pexels
Reading with your child does not always mean just reading the exact written words on each page! You can skip words, stop and talk about a page, or skip whole parts. Just stay at your child’s language and engagement level.  If you have a young child, it can help them stay more engaged if you sit across from them and hold the book in front of you so that they can see both you and the book at the same time.

Sing with your child

Did you know that using melody is part of a therapy technique for helping stroke patients regain language abilities? Pretty cool, huh?  The connection between music and language isn’t fully understood, but music can be a great tool for including language in your daily routine.  Melody, rhyming, intonation, and grammar are all aspects of music that translate to spoken language as well.
Photo by Daria Shevtsova from Pexels
I like to break music up into two categories: fun songs, and soothing songs. Fun songs are songs like “5 Little Monkeys” or “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” that we use when it’s play time. Including actions is a great way to tap into visual learning and highlight certain words.  Soothing music is used at bedtime or other times your child needs calming.  These don’t need lots of facial expressions or actions.
I often come across parents who are hesitant to sing with their child. They think that a YouTube video here and there is sufficient music exposure. But human interaction is key here! I’ve never met a child who was critical of their parent’s voice, and nobody is recording you. So put your pride aside, be a little goofy if you must, and sing!

Be mindful of your own communication

Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels
Remember how much communication impacts relationships? Well, as a parent, you are one half of that vital relationship. As important as it is for your child to learn language, remember that it takes time. While your child is learning to communicate with you, be very mindful of your own communication. Make it as kind and respectful as possible. You are the constant language model for your child, and the learning that your child does while they are just observing (called incidental learning) is so powerful!
Whatever you do, remember that nobody knows your child better than you! Use that knowledge to play to their strengths and help them in the ways you know are best.  If you lead with love, you can’t go wrong.
Write out your child’s daily routine. Find a way to incorporate a few minutes of any of the above activities into your day. Write it down and commit to including it in your day with minimal distractions.

References

Brandt, A., Gebrian, M., & Slevc, L. R. (2012). Music and early language acquisition. Frontiers in psychology, 3, 327. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2012.00327
Hulstijn, J. H. (2001). Intentional and incidental second-language vocabulary learning: A reappraisal of elaboration, rehearsal and automaticity. Dans P. Robinson (Ed.), Cognition and Second Language Instruction (p. 258-286). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. 
Logan, J. A., Justice, L. M., Yumuş, M., & Chaparro-Moreno, L. J. (2019). When Children Are Not Read to at Home. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, Publish Ahead of Print. doi:10.1097/dbp.0000000000000657
Yogman, M., Garner, A., Hutchinson, J., Hirsh-Pasek, K., & Golinkoff, R. M. (2018). The Power of Play: A Pediatric Role in Enhancing Development in Young Children. Pediatrics, 142(3). doi:10.1542/peds.2018-2058

 

 

Kjirsten Keetch is a pediatric Speech-Language Pathologist based in Utah County. She and her husband, James, have been married for 3 years, and they have one perfect little boy. Her job titles include full-time mom, cheer coach, owner of Sunrise Speech Therapy, and writer of the blog Teeny Talkers.
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Project Parent

How to Be An Emotion Coach For Your Child

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Cover photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
This year especially, all of us have experienced a range of emotions, perhaps including but not limited to: anger, nervousness, fear, confusion, anxiety, discouragement, loneliness, and depression. If we as adults are experiencing these things, imagine what our children are experiencing.
Most children have some kind of normal routine. Last year they went to school every weekday. They had never been to a grocery store to find it bare, their neighborhoods and cities had not been vandalized, they had not been forced to stay inside and told they couldn’t visit beloved family members. Children who have been victims of domestic abuse and neglect no longer have the safety and solace that school provides. 
Children are being taught a different message than they were a year before: “It’s not safe.” And this is scary when we consider that children need to feel safe in order to develop secure attachment (among many other things). Many parents do the best they can to frame the events and information of the day as, “I love you, and so I’m going to keep you safe,” and therefore are able to be a secure base for their children, maintaining a healthy sense of security and warmth. This is wonderful!
No matter how we frame information, children are internalizing messages from parents, media, and the drastic changes in their lives. This year children have undergone major disruptions and changes, and while research shows us that children are incredibly resilient, we don’t know how these changes will affect the mental health and development of children long-term. 
I don’t want to scare you. But what I do want to point out is that, like us, children experience emotions. And those emotions, even if “negative” emotions, are good and important. Just like us, children experience anxiety, depression, fear, anger, confusion, loneliness, and so on. It is of critical importance that we respond to their feelings appropriately and coach them through these tough emotions.
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Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels
John Gottman wrote a great book called, “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child”, and I want to share a few tidbits of that book with you to help you be an Emotion Coach for your child – or, in other words, to help your child become emotionally intelligent. 

Emotional Intelligence

First, it’s important to understand what emotional intelligence is. Emotional intelligence is essentially the ability to identify, understand, and process your emotions in a way that makes you more resilient on the other side. Emotional intelligence is NOT pushing through your emotions quickly or dissociating from them. It’s about understanding your experience, embracing it, and working through it effectively, and with a growth mindset. “Even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life including family relationships.”
Emotionally intelligent children are better able to control their impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, read other social cues accurately, and cope with life’s ups and downs. Additionally, children whose parents are emotion coaches have better physical health, higher academic scores, get along with their friends better, and are able to self-soothe.
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Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

How To Be An Emotion Coach

Emotion coaches don’t object to a child’s display of anger, sadness or fear, nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life. They use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching children important life lessons and building closer relationships with them. 
Parents who invalidate and/or discount children’s feelings can cause children to doubt themselves and not trust their instincts. Emotional coaching requires empathy, good listening skills, selflessness, and the ability to put oneself in the child’s shoes. Emotional coaching parents serve as their children’s guides through the world of emotion. They go beyond acceptance to set limits on inappropriate behavior and teach their kids how to regulate their feelings, find appropriate outlets, and solve problems….emotional coaching parents have a strong awareness of their own emotions and those of their loved ones. In addition, they recognize that all emotions, even those we generally consider negative, such as sadness, anger, and fear can serve useful purposes in our lives.”
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Photo by Ba Phi from Pexels
Emotion coaches do five things:
1. Become aware of your child’s emotions.
Emotional awareness simply means that you are able to recognize emotions in yourself and in those around you. To recognize emotions in your children, you must recognize emotions in yourself. When we observe our children experiencing emotions, even negative emotions, we do not dismiss those emotions or respond with disapproval. Emotional awareness leads to empathy and our next step.
2. Recognize emotion as an opportunity for teaching and intimacy
When we recognize that emotional expression gives way to the opportunity for connection and learning, we deepen our relationship. Talking to children about what they are feeling gives us the opportunity to teach them to understand their own emotions, teach them about the world around them, and build trust.
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Photo by Elly Fairytale from Pexels
3. Listen, empathize and validate
We all need people who are willing to listen, empathize, and validate – our children are no different. One of the hard things around this one is refraining from dismissing, disapproving, or even trying to rescue our kids from their problems.
4. Help children learn to label emotions
As children talk about their experiences and express needs, we can help them identify what they are feeling. It is important to help them label their experiences, instead of labeling their emotions for them. This is not a time to rescue our children from their emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry, hurt, nervous, discouraged, confused, etc. Accepting that these negative experiences are a natural part of life actually helps our children build resilience and confidence. Dismissing or disapproving of negative emotions can, even unintentionally, teach our children that they are alone in their emotions, bad for having those feelings, that they cannot trust their instincts, or that something is wrong with them. But labeling their emotions helps them eventually process how to work through them.
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Photo by Josh Willink from Pexels
5. Set limits while exploring strategies
Boundaries and discipline are still an important part of parenting, even for emotional coaches. For example, we absolutely have the right to be angry, but we don’t have the right to throw our toys at people. Here’s where we really get to connect and teach our children. We take it a step further by helping our children explore solutions to their problems. Again, we do not rescue children. We hold them accountable for their mistakes, and empower them to find solutions. We act as their coach in this growth process. “When we seek to understand our children’s experience, they feel supported. They know we’re on their side. When we refrain from criticizing them, discounting their feelings, or trying to distract them from their goals, they let us into their world. They tell us how they feel. They offer their opinions. Their motivations feel less mysterious which in turn leads to further understanding. Our children begin to trust us. Then when conflicts crop up we’ve got some common ground for solving problems together. Our kids may even risk brainstorming solutions with us. Indeed the day may come when they are actually willing to hear our suggestions.”
While important, understand that emotion coaching is not a cure-all. Conflict is normal and discipline is important. Emotional coaching is about closeness, capability, and engagement, not removing conflict or the need for boundaries. 
Personal Practice 1
This week, take advantage of opportunities to practice being an emotion coach for your child(ren).

References

Esmaeelzadehazad, S., Valadi, S., & Gabbard, C. (2021). The impact of maternal emotional intelligence on young children’s motor development. European Journal of Developmental Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17405629.2021.1918094
Gottman, J. M., Declaire, J., & Goleman, D. (2015). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Li, D., & Shi, J. (2021). Fluid intelligence, trait emotional intelligence and academic performance in children with different intellectual levels. High Ability Studies, 32(1), 51–69. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/13598139.2019.1694493
Persich, M. R., Smith, R., Cloonan, S. A., Woods, L. R., Strong, M., & Killgore, W. D. S. (2021). Emotional intelligence training as a protective factor for mental health during the COVID‐19 pandemic. Depression and Anxiety, 38(10), 1018–1025. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/da.23202

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Power Couples

Let’s Talk: A Secret to Less Fighting and More Listening

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Cover photo by Jack Sparrow from Pexels

Written by Rian Gordon
If you are in a relationship, chances are, you and your partner have disagreements. But how do you keep those disagreements from turning into flat-out fights?
Would you believe me if I told you that the success of an argument starts even before you’ve brought up a disagreement? In a research study by John Gottman and Sybil Carrèr, they discovered that the majority of arguments end on the same note they start on (1999). In other words, a rocky start will most likely lead to a rocky end. This doesn’t mean that you are doomed if you start a disagreement off on the wrong foot, but it DOES mean that there are things you can do to help set a discussion with your partner up for success! 
The key to this is what is known as a soft start-up. A soft start-up involves beginning the conversation in a way that facilitates an open mind and heart for both you and your partner. It encourages safe and healthy communication rather than causing defensiveness and frustration. Soft start-ups are excellent for developing trust and emotional connection in your relationship as you navigate differences and the ups-and-downs of everyday life. 
Here are a few elements of soft start-ups that you can practice using in conversations with your partner to help you have more successful conversations when you disagree. 

 

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Photo by Eduardo Simões Neto Junior from Pexels

Setting

The setting in which you bring up a disagreement can make or break your ability to have a productive conversation with your partner (Prep Inc.. 2015)! Before you bring up a disagreement, consider these questions:
  • Are we in a place where both my partner and I can feel safe (physically AND emotionally)?
  • Is my partner distracted right now?
  • Do we have an appropriate level of privacy for the conversation I would like to have?
  • Is either of us extra tired or hungry?
It isn’t always possible to create or wait for a perfect setting in which you and your partner can have a calm and effective conversation. However, discussing a disagreement in a time and place that are more conducive to healthy communication can set the stage for a softer start-up and more productive results. 

Body language 

The way you say something is just as (if not more) important than what you say when it comes to bringing up a disagreement (Mlodinow, 2012). Your body language does a lot to set the tone for any conversation. Practice using body language that communicates your desire to connect with and feel understood your partner:
  • Facing your partner
  • Maintaining eye contact
  • Open, relaxed posture (closing off physically can be a sign of closing off emotionally)
  • Gentle, consensual physical touch (holding hands, placing your hand on your partner’s knee, etc.)
  • Using a calm tone of voice
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Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas from Pexels

Actual Words

When you engage in a disagreement with your partner, it is important to express yourself clearly, and in a way that encourages engagement from your partner. This does NOT mean that you have to be dishonest about how you are feeling. However, there are ways in which you can present your personal feelings and experiences that invite your partner to listen and connect with you rather than getting defensive or shutting down.
Try implementing these principles when you are beginning a difficult conversation with your partner:
  • Take responsibility for your feelings
    • Use statements that begin with “I” rather than “you” (These are known as “I statements”). 
  • Complain, don’t criticize
    • Complaining involves identifying a specific behavior that bothers you. Criticizing involves attacking the character of your partner.
  • Express appreciation
    • Chances are, even if they are doing something that bothers you, there is something you can find to appreciate about your partner. Verbalizing this can help your partner know that you still recognize and appreciate how they ARE meeting your expectations, not just how they are falling short.
  • Be kind
    • This one speaks for itself.
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Photo by Ekaterina Bolovtsova from Pexels
Everyone wants to feel heard and listened to in their relationship, and using soft start-ups can help both you and your partner to feel more open to listening to and learning from each other, even when it comes to difficult conversations. 
Personal Practice 1Try implementing one or more of these elements of a soft start-up in a conversation with your partner this week. Notice how the rest of your conversation goes.

References

Carrère, S., & Gottman, J. M. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family process, 38(3), 293–301. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1999.00293.x
Jon Beaty, C. (2020, April 21). A Couple’s Guide to Complaining. Retrieved July 11, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/a-couples-guide-to-complaining/
Lisitsa, E. (2018, November 21). How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up. Retrieved July 10, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/?utm_source=instagram
Mlodinow, L. (2012, May 29). How We Communicate Through Body Language. Retrieved July 11, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/subliminal/201205/how-we-communicate-through-body-language
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Rogers, S.L. and Others. (2018) I understand you fell that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. Retrieved March 14, 2019, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

Riding the Waves and Embracing the Cycle

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Written by Allie Barnes
If you are a man reading this, hang tight, because it will all become applicable for you soon too, but we’re going to start by talking about MENSTRUAL CYCLES.
I know I have a cycle—I can tell by the strong emotions I feel periodically with no real, logical base. I can tell by the way my body changes through the month—the aches and pains, the food cravings, and then finally, my period. Then it ends, and I have a couple weeks of relief and calm, and then it starts all over again.
I’ve experienced this cycle for years.
And we can connect this to the moon, tides, and everything else on the earth that has cycles.
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Photo by Karl Fredrickson on Unsplash
But our cycles extend far beyond this, and I didn’t fully realize this until recently when I read about it in the classic book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray:
“A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. …After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.” (120)
He continues, “Life is filled with rhythms—day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.” (121-122)
And just to cover our bases, if you haven’t read the book yet (and you should if you haven’t), here is a little tidbit from Gray about what women need most during their low times: “The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.” (123)
I did not understand this. Many men I’ve dated haven’t understood this. These low points have caused me great pain and shame in the past because of how I perceived myself in relationships—and some of those perceptions were based on painful negative responses from men in the past. I didn’t know. They didn’t know.
Here’s what really opened my eyes: “Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases, women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear.” (130)
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Photo by Matteo Di Iorio on Unsplash
For years, I have felt deep shame over my low points, which only perpetuated the sadness, and possibly even made my PMS symptoms worse. Logically, this makes very little sense: While not all women experience severe symptoms or feel much affect on their emotions, various studies claim that around 3 in 4 women, and up to 90% of women, experience PMS symptoms in their lifetime. However, we don’t often see others’ low points. We simply intimately know our own.
I had never considered accepting these emotions, moving through the cycle, and riding the waves as they came. In this article, I’ll be sharing some practical ways to better navigate the low times.
As mentioned earlier, in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Gray also shares about men’s cycles. I hope to share more about this in a future article as I learn more about this, but until then, I highly recommend checking out this book. I’m very late to the game here (the first edition was released in 1992), but there’s obviously a reason it’s remained relevant for so long.

How to Better Handle the Lows

The morning I started writing this article, I cried on the phone to a friend, “I think I’m at the bottom,” I whimpered. “How am I supposed to write about this when I’m IN IT?”
I had tried to meditate earlier in the morning to feel better, and usually, that helps. But this time, I was so deep in emotion that meditating did very little to help. The only thing that got me going that morning was a Diet Coke and that phone call with a friend. After that, I was able to go on a run and start taking care of myself from there. While I’m going to recommend some things to help with emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical self-care during the low points, sometimes you have to think about what you personally need.

Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Care

In a world where we consume almost constantly—media, conversations, interactions, food—slowing down and turning inward can offer incomparable relief. This can mean different things for different people. Sometimes it means turning off your phone for even a few minutes. Sometimes it means spending time studying the scriptures or other religious texts. Sometimes it means going on a walk, meditating, journaling, or calling a friend. Sometimes it means taking an intentional deep breath.
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Photo by Motoki Tonn on Unsplash
According to the book Restorative Yoga by Ulrica Norberg, our breath is the “only autonomic nervous system function that can be directly affected by our conscious mind.” Conscious breathing can help us relax, as well as alter “the distribution of energy from the [sympathetic nervous system] to the parasympathetic nervous system” (Norberg 35). In her book, she outlines how to breathe a “full complete breath.” In short: sit comfortably and inhale to lengthen the spine. Gently close your eyes. Relax your face and jaw. Exhale completely, then inhale completely, letting your lungs reach their fullest expansion. Hold for two seconds*, then slowly start to exhale. At the bottom of your breath (empty lungs), pause for two seconds once again before repeating for a total of 10 breaths.
*If you are pregnant, you do not need to pause at the bottom and top of each breath. Maintain a constant flow of breath for you and your baby.
While this is a lovely, restorative technique, often I simply pause where I am, close my eyes, exhale to relax my face and shoulders, inhale slowly, then exhale once more. Even one deep, focused breath can work wonders.
Meditation is a similar tool that helps the mind and body relax. I primarily use recorded guided meditations on apps such as Insight Timer (free), Meditation Studio (free), Stop Breathe & Think (free), and Calm (free trial available). These meditations can help you physically relax while helping you mentally come back into the present moment to find greater focus, clarity, and peace. 

Physical Care

I hesitate to even write this section because it could be HUGE if I really got into it. But it’s worth mentioning: if you nurture your body, you will feel better, even just a little bit. Physical activity and eating well—along with many other healthy lifestyle choices—have been shown to positively influence stress, anxiety, depression, and overall life satisfaction. Do not feel like you have to completely change your lifestyle to feel better. Perhaps consider just one thing you can do to nurture your body today. This could mean going for a walk, taking a nap, doing a workout video, drinking more water, putting extra veggies on a pizza, or whatever choice you make that will help your physical body feel better.
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Photo by free to use sounds on Unsplash
Don’t beat yourself up if the only thing that’s getting you out of bed is a Diet Coke and a cookie. Be gentle and loving toward yourself.
If you want to take this a step further, there is some research supporting ways to apply these principles to female hormone regulation. To learn more about this, I recommend checking out the book The Woman Code by Alisa Vitti. You can also begin tracking your PMS symptoms—physical and emotional—as these may very well correspond with your emotional lows. There are multiple tracker apps available these days. I’ve used Period Tracker since 2013 (Android; iOS). For a more in-depth option, you can check out Alisa Vitti’s app, MyFLO.
For more self-care ideas, check out these past Healthy Humans Project articles:
Self-Care Debunked: Self-Indulgence is Not Self-Care! by Rachel Porter
Self-Care Isn’t Selfish! Why We All Need to Renew, Refresh and Refuel by Reva Cook
Self-Care for Busy Humans by Rian Gordon
Self-Love Languages by Rian Gordon

Connect and Communicate

As Gray shares in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, feeling support from others is monumental during these low times. I don’t think it’s necessary to shout it from the rooftops (or your Facebook status), but confiding in a close friend or partner could help ease the heaviness during your low times. It may also be wise not only to tell them that you’re having a hard time, but explain what that means, and what you need.
For me, I would say something like: “I’m having a hard day today. I can’t quite pinpoint why, but it feels really heavy. I’m realizing that this happens regularly and that I’ll be back to my normal self soon, so I’m trying to just accept it and move through it, instead of fighting against it. Right now, I don’t need you to fix anything—I just need to feel loved and supported.”
Your partner is also welcome to communicate their needs as well. I mentioned earlier that both women and men experience cycles—for women, it is more commonly in the rise and fall of their ability to love others and themselves, and for men, it is typically a cycle of pulling back from then moving toward others. When we compassionately and lovingly communicate our current state and accompanying needs, we can better relate to and care for one another.
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Photo from piqsels.com
Communicating and meeting each others’ needs is a vital part of relationships—romantic relationships, yes, but even familial or friend relationships. Therapist Heather Gray states, “If our partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If we are unwilling to meet our partner’s needs, the outcome remains the same.” In her article “Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs” on The Gottman Institute website, she shares more about how to communicate these needs—both for the person communicating their needs and for the person responding.
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Friends, our lows will end. You don’t need anyone to “save you.” You don’t need to panic and fall deeper into your low. You will ride your wave again very soon. The next time you find yourself feeling down, try going with the flow instead of fighting against it. Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Confide in a trusted friend or companion. Create a safe space for yourself, and you’ll be back up in no time.
Want to learn more about this topic? Check out this past HHP article by Rian Gordon, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy (and Sad, and Mad, and Scared…).”
Personal Practice 1Consider what your waves look like. What cycles—emotional, physical, etc.—do you experience regularly? How can you prepare to better ride those waves?

References

Gray, H. (2017, February 16). Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-you-need-to-accept-your-partners-needs/
Gray, J. (1998). Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: The classic guide to understanding the opposite sex. HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Premenstrual Syndrome. Office on Women’s Health. https://www.womenshealth.gov/menstrual-cycle/premenstrual-syndrome
Velten, J., Lavallee, K. L., Scholten, S., Meyer, A. H., Zhang, X. C., Schneider, S., & Margraf, J. (2014). Lifestyle choices and mental health: a representative population survey. BMC psychology, 2(1), 58. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-014-0055-y
Vitti, A. (2014). WomanCode: Perfect your cycle, amplify your fertility, supercharge your sex drive, and become a power source. HarperOne.

 

 

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Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
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Power Couples

Stuck With Your Spouse? Keeping Love Alive During COVID-19

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Written by Rian Gordon
After you first get married, you go through an adjustment period of learning how to live with your spouse. This can be a really difficult adjustment for many couples as they may discover habits or personality traits in each other that they weren’t aware of, as little things that once seemed cute become more of an annoyance, and as more time together tends to reveal more gaps in “compatibility”. 
Many couples may find themselves experiencing this wearing off of the “honeymoon phase” all over again as they are spending more time together due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Between working from home, missing interactions with other friends, coworkers, and family, trying to balance homeschool and taking care of kids, and the general stress of life during a time of crisis, you may be feeling a little more stuck with your spouse rather than happily married to them. 
So how do you get back to that state of wedded bliss?? Is it even possible right now? While our current circumstances may present some unique challenges, there are a few practices that may help you and your spouse keep your marriage and love strong during this difficult time. 
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Photo from pexels.com

Practice Positivity

In their research on couples, John and Julie Gottman have found that for every negative interaction, happy couples are having five (or more) positive interactions with each other (Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998). This ratio particularly applied to when couples were in the middle of working through a conflict, not even regular day-to-day interaction. If these happy couples were having five positive interactions for every one negative interaction during a disagreement, how many more must they be having in the everyday goings-on in their relationship? 
This practice of positivity is not something that may come naturally, but it IS something we can be more intentional about, and therefore improve. Here are two ways you can more actively invite positivity into your marriage:
  • Emotional bids: Turn towards your partner
Sending out an “emotional bid” means making an attempt at connection (Lisita, 2018). Any time our partner sends us an emotional bid, it is an opportunity for us to turn towards them by responding in a way that validates and acknowledges their attempt. According to research by the Gottmans, “happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions” (Lisitsa, 2018). Check out this post for more info on emotional bids, and how you can turn towards your spouse.
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  • Show gratitude and appreciation
Expressing gratitude is an excellent way to strengthen your marriage and increase relationship satisfaction (Gordon, Arnette, & Smith, 2011). While you are practicing social distancing together at home, look for things that you appreciate about your spouse. Are they working hard from home to provide for your family? Are they helping the kids stay focused as they tackle school from home? Do they make the bed, put the baby down for a nap, or brave the grocery store to find food and toilet paper? Focus on the details. Gratitude is something that increases as you focus on it (Bono, 2018), so the more you practice noticing things to be grateful for, the more you will find!

Support Each Other

One unique challenge of this COVID-19 pandemic is that it has merged together the realms of work and home. Couples who may be used to spending work time apart are now having to figure out how to balance work and home life in one single environment. This can be particularly difficult because it gets rid of the automatic boundaries between home and work. When one or both partners work out of the home, it allows them to leave work at work, and have a healthy mental and physical separation between work and home life. Furthermore, it automatically divides many of the work and home roles, particularly for couples where one spouse works outside the home, and one spouse works as a stay-at-home parent. 
Many couples may be struggling to find balance because of these blurred lines, which actually opens up the opportunity for more emotional sharing, empathy, and working towards a more equal partnership. Work together to have open and honest conversations about your needs during this time, and discuss how you can better support and help each other in your various roles and responsibilities. It may also be helpful to consider setting physical boundaries in your home to divide between work and family life. 
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Photo from pexels.com

Remember Conflict is Normal

Conflict is a normal, and even healthy, part of every marriage relationship. When two people with varying backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives come together, they are naturally going to disagree on at least a few things. More time together can also lead to more opportunities for disagreements. If you and your spouse are dealing with a lot of conflict right now, don’t get discouraged by thinking you are doing something terribly wrong. Take comfort in the fact that conflict can lead to growth and a stronger relationship when handled correctly (Tartakovsky, 2018). 
Here are a few things you can do to manage conflict in your relationship:
  • Take responsibility for your emotions
One way you can express taking responsibility for your own feelings is by using something called “I-Statements” (Darrington & Brower, 2012). Try this simple formula: “I feel ___________ when you ____________ because _____________.”
Saying “I feel” expresses ownership over your emotions. When we practice this in our disagreements, it helps us to focus on the problem at hand rather than become defensive and argumentative with our partner (Rogers, 2018).
  • Take time outs
When emotions start to escalate, our thinking brains shut down and it becomes easy for a disagreement to turn into a loud, angry fight (Gowin, 2011). One strategy to help you chill out when you are feeling emotionally flooded is to call a “time out”. Step away from the issue for a little bit, practice some self-soothing techniques, and return to the discussion after you are feeling calmer. 
  • It’s not about “winning” 
Don’t forget that the best way to “fight” in your marriage is to fight for your relationship. Ultimately, it isn’t about winning. Disagreements are about working together to find the best answer for your relationship – solutions that make both of you comfortable. Any time you reach a solution together, you win much more than you would have if you had gotten your way, or “beat” your partner.
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Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash

Still Have Alone Time

Alone time is an important and necessary way for many individuals to re-charge and self-care. Even though you and your spouse may be stuck in the same physical space, make sure you are each taking the time you need to take care of yourselves individually. My favorite ways to do this are by soaking in the bath, practicing yoga or meditation, and reading or writing! For my husband, he loves to unwind by listening to music, drawing, or going for a jog. 

Make Time for Fun

Research has shown that one of the best ways we can keep our marriages strong is by intentionally having fun together (PREP Inc., 2015). With all of this extra time that we may not be used to having with our spouse, this is a great opportunity to get creative and have some fun!
Check out these posts for some ideas that you and your spouse can try for some fun at home:
P.S. Don’t forget about sex! Sex is a great way to incorporate fun and flirtatiousness into your marriage. During this time of high stress, make sure you are setting aside regular time to have fun in the bedroom together. 
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Photo by Eric Froehling on Unsplash

Final Thoughts

While this worldwide pandemic may add extra stress and create unique circumstances in our marriages, the truth is, hard work is always required to keep love alive. If we choose, we can decide to see this time as an opportunity for us to re-focus on our relationships, and to incorporate intentional practices that will help us strengthen our marriages. Practice living right now so that when things return to normal, you will miss having this extra time together! 
Personal Practice 1Read this post with your partner, and together choose one way to intentionally work on your marriage this week.

References

A Prioritized Marriage. (2020, March 28). At Home Date Night Ideas for When You Can’t Leave the House. Retrieved from https://aprioritizedmarriage.com/blog/at-home-date-night-ideas/
Benson, K. (2019, September 11). The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
Bono, T., PhD. (2018). When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness. New York, NY: Grand Central Life & Style.
Darrington, J., & Brower, N. (2012, April). Effective Communication Skills: “I” Messages and Beyond. Retrieved February 28, 2018, from https://digitalcommons.usu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1791&context=extension_curall
Gordon, C. L., Arnette, R. A. M., & Smith, R. E. (2011). Have you thanked your spouse today?: Felt and expressed gratitude among married couples. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(3), 339–343.
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5. https://doi.org/10.2307/353438
Gowin, J. (2011, April 6). Under Pressure: Your Brain on Conflict. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-illuminated/201104/under-pressure-your-brain-conflict
Lisitsa, E. (2018, September 12). An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Rogers, S.L. and Others. (2018) I understand you fell that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. Retrieved March 14, 2019, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/
Tartakovsky, M. (2018, October 8). How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-conflict-can-improve-your-relationship/

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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