Power Couples

Creating Safety in Your Relationship

No Comments

Cover photo by Justin Follis on Unsplash

Written by Rian Gordon
One of the main things that attracted me to my husband when we first started dating was that I felt so SAFE around him. Not only was he incredibly respectful and sweet in a way that helped me feel physically safe, he also did things that helped me feel safe to share my whole self with him — my thoughts, my weaknesses, my worries, my love, my everything! This has been a crucial piece in the health of our relationship over the years and research supports the importance of creating safety in our relationships in order for them to thrive and last (PREP Inc., 2015). 
Here are three critical types of relationship safety and how you can foster them in your relationships:

Physical Safety

The most basic form of safety that is important for healthy and happy relationships is physical safety. While this type of safety requires an absence of physical abuse, I would argue that there is more to building a physically safe relationship than that alone. Real relationship satisfaction is developed when a couple actively works to show love to one another, not just when they don’t hit each other.  
Photo by Ronny Sison on Unsplash

Ways to build physical safety:

  • Engage in positive touch (both sexual and non-sexual): Whether or not your love language is physical touch, touch is an important part of feeling and expressing love and connection in our relationships! Find ways that you can show your partner you love them through all kinds of touch – give hugs, hold hands, touch knees, share kisses, make love, all the things! Tailor these forms of touch to your unique needs and desires as a couple. 
  • Create a physical sanctuary: If you live together, you can increase the felt physical safety in your relationship by making your home a place where both of you can feel safe and at peace. Clean together, decorate together, make the space yours! 

Emotional Safety

Emotional safety is just as crucial in a healthy and happy relationship as physical safety. Partners can act as a safe space for each other to share feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and vulnerabilities. The strongest relationships are those where partners feel safe bringing their whole self to the table – the good and the bad – and can trust that that whole self will be respected and validated, even when their partner disagrees. 
Photo by Jonathan Borba from Pexels

Ways to build emotional safety:

  • Respond positively to emotional bids: “Bids” are a call for connection in your relationship (you can read more about them here). Relationships thrive when both partners are frequently seeking out ways to connect with each other and are responding positively to each other’s bids for connection. Responding positively to bids does not mean that you always have to say “yes” to your partner. It just means that you acknowledge their bid and follow through with taking time to connect – whether in that exact moment, or setting aside intentional time later! 
    • Ex. Partner 1: “Hey honey, how was your day?” “Hey babe, I’m in the middle of sending this text right now, but I’d love to talk about my day with you and hear about yours. Can we talk as soon as I’m done?”
  • Keep confidences: Part of creating emotional safety in your relationship involves sharing parts of ourselves that we might not be so proud of. We are all human, and our relationships need to be a space that allows for us to make mistakes, disagree, struggle, and grow together. When your partner shares something with you, don’t go telling the rest of the world (or your mom!). If it is something you need to share in order to get help, talk with your partner about who they are comfortable sharing the information with. This will do wonders for building trust and safety in your relationship.
Photo by Matheus Alves from Pexels
  • Practice sharing your emotions: Sharing how we are feeling is not always easy. The good news is, it’s a skill that we can practice! Be intentional about being vulnerable and sharing how you feel with your partner. Especially with difficult or uncomfortable feelings. Consider writing them out first to help yourself identify and process what you are feeling before you approach your partner. Mutual sharing and showing empathy and respect for one another’s emotions will help you build trust and increase closeness in your relationship.

Commitment Safety 

Commitment safety is all about knowing that your partner will fight for your relationship, and that they are committed to making things work. When we believe that a relationship is going to last, we are far more likely to be willing to invest time and attention into that relationship. A relationship with strong commitment safety is more likely to last because partners trust in their love for each other and are not afraid that their significant other will bail out at the first sign of trouble. 
Photo by Sandro Crepulja from Pexels

Ways to build commitment safety:

  • Dream together: Dreaming about your future together is a great way to work towards actually having a future together! When you dream and set goals together as a couple it deepens your commitment to each other and to your relationship. 
  • Constraint Commitments: Constraint commitments refer to “forces that constrain individuals to maintain relationships regardless of their personal dedication to them” (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010). These can be things such as buying a home together, having a joint bank account, building mutual friendships, having children together, social pressure to remain together, etc. “Constraint” sounds like a negative term, but these types of ties in our relationships can actually be really beneficial in strengthening our commitment (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010). The more you have tying you together, the less likely you are to leave the relationship when you encounter disagreements or difficulty* (things that come to every relationship).
* This does not include abusive relationships. If you are in a relationship with abuse of any kind, you have the right to leave regardless of any existing constraints!
Photo by brooklyn on Unsplash
  • Continue investing in your relationship: Commitment and love are both built and maintained over time. The more effort we continuously put into our relationship, the stronger it will grow, and the more likely we are to stay committed to our partner! Investing in your relationship looks like frequent date nights, staying curious and continuing to get to know each other, nurturing your emotional and physical connection, communicating openly and honestly, intentionally connecting throughout the day, etc. Remember that commitment fosters love, not the other way around — the more our actions reflect commitment to our partner and to the relationship, the deeper our love and commitment will actually become. 
Working to increase each of these aspects of safety will strengthen your relationship with your significant other in critical ways. As you seek to become a safe place for your partner physically, emotionally, and for the long-run your connection with each other will deepen, and you will be making an important investment in the health and longevity of your relationship. 
Take time to think about the current level of safety in your relationship. Do you feel safe with your partner? Does your partner feel safe with you? Why or why not? Choose one of the strategies above to help you foster either physical, emotional, or commitment safety in your relationship this week. 

References

Boeder, E. (2018, February 16). Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection. Retrieved December 12, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-safety-is-necessary-for-emotional-connection/
Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Whitton, S. W. (2010). Commitment: Functions, Formation, and the Securing of Romantic Attachment. Journal of family theory & review, 2(4), 243–257. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1756-2589.2010.00060.x

 

 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth. 
Continue Reading

Power Couples

Reality in Marriage: What if We’re Falling out of Love?

No Comments
Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Multiple people, married for a little over a year, come to me deeply concerned and say, “I am afraid that I don’t love my spouse as much as I did when I got married.” They are terrified that they are falling out of love and that their relationship may be headed for the rocks. Things aren’t bad, but they aren’t as great as they used to be either. The truth is, this process is completely normal, and if this is you, you haven’t fallen out of love. Welcome to the reality phase of marriage. Sometimes it can feel lonely and impossible, but hold on; you’ll get through this!

What is the Reality Phase?

Marriage has several stages, all completely normal. The honeymoon phase tends to last 12-18 months, and after the honeymoon phase, reality hits. When reality has set in, spouses may ask, “who did I marry?”, “did I make the right decision?”, or the dreaded, “what if I am falling out of love?” The answer is, you can’t fall out of love, because you can’t fall in love.
alone-armchair-chairs-1329498.jpg
Photo from pexels.com

So what is love?

You can’t fall in love because love is a process begat by decisive, intentional nurturing, time, and communication. You can fall in infatuation, however. Infatuation is the attraction, butterflies, and eagerness we feel at the beginning of new relationships. Infatuation is important; it helps us identify people we are attracted to and like so that we can make decisions to pursue relationships we are interested in. This helps us develop deep, lasting romantic relationships. Infatuation is important because it opens us up to romantic love, but it is temporary.
The early stages of love – the infatuation and honeymoon are presented to us by the same parts of the brain that give us cravings, obsessions, and motivation, while brain regions associated with decision-making and planning shut down (Fisher, 2016). Once the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain assisting in decision making, logic, and planning) gets involved in our relationships, reality sets in more and more.
basket-blur-celebration-265791
Photo from pexels.com
Love is not an emotion. Real, lasting love is a verb. But often we don’t think of it that way. We think of love as an emotion – something we feel for another person. If you keep thinking of it that way, remember that all emotions come and go. Happiness, fear, anger, sadness, and pleasure are all temporary. And if we define love as an emotion, that means that love is temporary too. There are times that we look at our spouse and feel connected and madly in love. And then there are times that we don’t feel that deep emotion. Because love is nurtured. It doesn’t exist randomly. We are responsible for creating our love lives – for creating a marriage that is the greatest love story of all time.

What’s next?

I want you to know that this is normal. The pain, the fear, the frustrations. It is all normal. I want you to know that you’re going to be okay. If you choose to, you will move through this, and on the other side, you will laugh at the experience. Celebrate, because as hard as this is, it means you are moving forward. You’ve hit the next phase of your relationship, and soon enough, you’ll reach the next one, cooperation.

How?

Reality is all about realizing and coming to terms with the faults of your partner, needing to accept feedback and accountability for your own flaws, and navigating how to make a relationship function practically. Once you are able to do this, you will be able to move on to the cooperation stage, which is all about working together and becoming a strong, organically functioning team. Here are a few things that will help you move from reality to cooperation more quickly and easily.
adult-adventure-affection-1390221
Photo from pexels.com
1. Accept 10 flaws (or annoying idiosyncrasies) (Hill, 2013). I’m serious. 10. That sounds like a lot, but I am not talking about the really big things (addictions, abuse, fits of anger, overspending, victimizing, etc.). I mean accept the little things. So maybe he doesn’t load the dishwasher the way you would. You’re not a god. He loaded the dishwasher, express appreciation and be done with it. Maybe she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. So what? It’s toothpaste. You won’t die. Accept 10 of these trivial things. Because they are trivial. And if you can let them go, then you have much more time and energy to address the big things, as well as to celebrate the positive elements of your relationship.
2. Keep learning about each other. Though it may seem like it, you don’t know everything about each other. Ask questions, try new things, observe. This will help you to keep yourself partner-focused, identify new positive qualities, and appreciate new shared experiences. You have a lot to work through and are most likely to be successful in this endeavor when you “consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success (Anderson, 2018).”
3. Remember the Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. Relationships can thrive when 5 positive events and interactions exist for every 1 negative interaction (Gottman et al., 1998). These interactions can be simple, but they add up to develop meaningful experiences and beliefs, for positive or negative. Say “I love you”, “thank you”, “you’re so attractive”, “I love spending time with you”, etc. frequently. Kiss, hug, cuddle, massage, bring home little gifts, do little acts of service, frequently. This will help you continue to see value in your relationship and in each other while balancing and effectively addressing “the big stuff”.
4. Keep talking. In all relationships, communication is essential. Listening to your partner with the intent to understand is essential. I love this quote from Stephen R. Covey: “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart (Covey, 1989).”
Personal Practice 11. Focus on at least two of the suggestions above.
2. Cut both you and your partner some slack this week.

References

Anderson, S. (2018, June 10). Newlywed Crash Course – Dealing with Baggage. Retrieved from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/newlywed-crash-course-dealing-with-baggage/
Carrère, S., Buehlman, K. T., Gottman, J. M., Coan, J. A., & Ruckstuhl, L. (2000). Predicting marital stability and divorce in newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 42-58. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.42
Covey, Stephen R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Fisher, H. (2016, February 13). The Science of Love, with Dr. Helen Fisher. Big Think. Retrieved February 3, 2019, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YP4n9G0qtQ
Hill, E. J. (2012, August/September). Strengthening Marriage and Family: Proclamation Principles and Scholarship. Lecture presented in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Palmer, A. D. (2017, August 16). Are We Still in Love? Navigating Romance After the Honeymoon. Retrieved from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/are-we-still-in-love-navigating-romance-after-the-honeymoon/

 

 

4B3A0588edit
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Continue Reading

Power Couples

6 Scientific Things You Never Learned in Sex Ed

No Comments
Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Heads up – this article was written to benefit adults. What I am about to tell you is academic information about sex, and I have not sugar-coated it. This is helpful and important information, but it may need to be reframed to be more appropriate for children/youth education.
When you were an adolescent, sitting in sex ed class had a completely different purpose than what I want to teach you. This is adult sex ed – what you need to know now that you’re a grown up with sexual needs who has graduated to a bigger bed (and hopefully a hot spouse to go with it!).

1. The “good enough” sex model.

Thanks to the porn industry, media, poor sex education and high school locker rooms, many adults (and adolescents too) think that sexual compatibility is a must for a relationship checklist. And to be sexually compatible, they must be having mind-blowing sex all the time. False. According to a study done in 2007, couples reporting extremely high levels of sexual satisfaction report that they have average to good sex 40-60% of the time, and exceptional sex only 20-25% of the time. And guess what? Even happily married couples report having unsatisfactory or even dysfunctional sex sometimes (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). But it doesn’t matter because, for the committed couple, sex isn’t about the orgasm (as great as that is) so much as connecting with your partner. That’s why it’s called intimacy.
relationship-863443_1920
Photo from pexels.com

2. Having an orgasm and being sexually satisfied are not the same things.

Most couples including men reported that having an orgasm was not always necessary to be able to be sexually satisfied (Basson, 2000; Georgiadis & Kringelbach, 2012). So chill out. You don’t need to be a sex god or goddess. Because news flash – it isn’t about you. It’s about the relationship. And if sex doesn’t play out the way you want every time, it doesn’t mean you aren’t compatible. It means you’re human. Having said that, if there is a pattern of dysfunctional or unsatisfying sex, communicate with your partner about the needs each of you has and how you can better meet those needs. If there continue to be problems, consult a therapist or physician.

3. Men and women need sex for biologically different reasons.

Though men and women seek sexual satisfaction differently and have different expectations surrounding sex, they seek the same benefits from intimacy. Men generally pursue emotional intimacy through physical means, while women tend to pursue sexual intimacy through physical means and seek emotional intimacy in other ways. While this sounds oppositional, it is, in fact, complementary (Metz & McCarthy, 2007; Barlow, 1995). Men often use physical means to be able to connect emotionally and women often need to connect emotionally to be able to connect physically (Barlow, 1995). Also bear in mind that women focus on feeling attractive and wanted, while men focus on being “invited” to engage sexually. Men’s sexual confidence lies in functionality, while women’s lies around trust and emotional connection and safety. Again, these are complementary, include much overlap, and evolve over time (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). So ladies, if you are feeling sexually frustrated, make sure you’re inviting your husband to be intimate with you. Men, make sure that emotional connection is part of your intimacy. 
adult-art-beautiful-1670467
Photo from pexels.com

4. Women take longer to become fully aroused than men do.

Men are much more easily aroused than women, requiring only a few minutes to become fully aroused (Miyagawa, et al. 2007). Women take an average of 19 minutes to become fully aroused (Huberman & Chivers, 2015) and are aroused less by visual means (as men tend to be), and more by context, environment, intensity, and other senses (Fisher, et al., 2012). This is useful information! Understanding the physiology behind your partner’s arousal patterns can help you make sure that both of you are getting what you want and need out of sex. For example, remembering that your wife takes a little longer to become fully aroused and is responding to cues like the environment and context can inspire you to slow down and engage in more foreplay. You may also consider using candles, music, more talking during sex, romantic texts throughout the day, weekend getaways, etc. to increase arousal.

5. Commitment increases sexual pleasure.

Generally, healthy couples have sex for 5 reasons: 1) reproduction, 2) tension and anxiety reduction, 3) sensual enjoyment, 4) confidence, and 5) high relational closeness and satisfaction. Understanding that people have sex for a host of reasons and to fill a variety of needs develops partner congruence which aids relationship and sexual satisfaction (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). But what’s really interesting (at least to me) is that those who focus on themselves during sex experience the least amount of pleasure. Those who focus on the other person experience a deeper level of pleasure. But those who focus on unity or the “us” during sex experience the deepest levels of sexual pleasure and satisfaction (Mosher, 1980). Men and women in committed relationships generally report higher sexual satisfaction than those having casual sex (Birnbaum, et al., 2006).
affection-couple-embrace-1822500
Photo from pexels.com

6. Expect the sexual relationship to change over time.

Because we as individuals change over time, and because our relationships change over time, we must also expect that our sexual patterns within that relationship will change (Basson, 2000). As life happens, what we need and want from sex is different. Because of these changes, it is crucial that couples communicate consistently about what they like, want and need in intimacy. Communication is necessary for balancing the two people in a relationship (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).

Personal Practice 1

Find a way to incorporate one or more of the above principles in a planned intimate night this week!

References

Barlow, B. A. (1995). Worth waiting for: Sexual abstinence before marriage. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.
Basson, R. (2001). Using a different model for female sexual response to address women’s problematic low sexual desire. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27(5), 395–403. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/713846827
Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 929–943. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.929
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2002). Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction and  Attachment. Archives of Sexual Behavior,31(5), 413-419.
Georgiadis, J., & Kringelbach, M. (2012). The human sexual response cycle: Brain imaging evidence linking sex to other pleasures. Progress in Neurobiology, 98(1), 49-81. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pneurobio.2012.05.004
Huberman, J. S., & Chivers, M. L. (2015). Examining gender specificity of sexual response with concurrent thermography and plethysmography. Psychophysiology, 52(10), 1382–1395. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/psyp.12466
Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351–362. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/14681990601013492
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford.
Miyagawa, Y., Tsujimura, A., Fujita, K., Matsuoka, Y., Takahashi, T., Takao, T., Takada, S., Matsumiya, K., Osaki, Y., Takasawa, M., Oku, N., Hatazawa, J., Kaneko, S., & Okuyama, A. (2007). Differential brain processing of audiovisual sexual stimuli in men: Comparative positron emission tomography study of the initiation and maintenance of penile erection during sexual arousal. NeuroImage, 36(3), 830-842. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2007.03.055
Mosher, D. L. (1980). Three dimensions of depth of involvement in human sexual response1. The Journal of Sex Research, 16(1), 1-42. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224498009551060

 

4B3A0588edit
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

 

Continue Reading

Project Parent

The #1 Thing Parents Forget When Talking to Their Kids About Sex

No Comments
Written by Rian Gordon
Let’s be honest, talking to kids about sex is hard! It can be awkward, and tough to know how to handle a topic that some couples aren’t even comfortable discussing with each other (if this is you, we need to talk). We’ve previously posted some guidelines to help you have healthier conversations with your kids about their bodies and sexuality, but today, I’d like to focus on one essential point that we often forget to mention when we are talking to our kids about this topic:
SEX IS GOOD.
Let me say that again – sex is a wonderful, helpful, beautiful, GOOD thing that should be a regular part of our marriages! Sex gives committed couples the opportunity to get to know each other better, to connect physically, emotionally, and even spiritually, and to have fun exploring and deepening their relationship. Not to mention, it has the amazing power to bring children into the world!
Photo by Ádám Szabó on Unsplash
When we fail to help our kids understand the positive power of their sexuality and how it can benefit their committed relationships, we run the risk of them missing out on all of the amazing things that a good sexual relationship can bring to their lives.
Many parents hope that their children will wait until marriage to become sexually active. To be honest, this is what I hope for my kids! There are so many emotional and physical benefits to sexual exclusivity (lower risk for STD’s, deeper trust and connection over time, emotional safety, even better sex). But unfortunately, this hope can often skew a parent’s view on how they should talk with their kids about sex. Parents often either heavily emphasize the “don’ts” associated with sex, or they avoid discussing anything but the bare minimum when it comes to their children’s bodies. They think that if they talk to their kids about the good side of sex, it will make them just want to go out and have sex with everyone. But research has actually shown the opposite. When parents have healthy discussions about sexuality with their kids, and put that sexuality in the context of healthy committed relationships, kids are actually more likely to value sex and the power that it can have in their relationships, as well as make healthier sexual decisions. On the other hand, avoiding the topic, or only focusing on the negative consequences of premarital sex only creates fear and shame surrounding anything connected to sexuality – something that can seriously hinder a person’s ability to perform sexually later on in an appropriate setting.
For parents who aren’t as concerned about their children waiting for marriage, talking about the context of healthy committed relationships is still vital. While consent, safe sex, and gender identity are all important parts of conversations regarding sexuality, helping children understand the positive power that sex can have in strengthening their relationships will help set them up for sexual success.
adults-blur-couple-888899
Photo from pexels.com
So how do we help our kids understand that sex is good without encouraging them to be promiscuous? Context is the key. If we talk to our kids about how sex is a wonderful and powerful thing that can really benefit and enhance our marriages, and help them to understand why they should wait to have sex, they are far more likely to want to make that choice themselves.
So whenever you discuss sex with your children (which should be frequently as they mature physically and emotionally), make sure that they know that sex is a positive thing! It can express deep love and commitment, and can bring you so much closer to the person you choose to spend your life with. As you help them to know that their bodies are beautiful and powerful, you empower your children to make wiser choices about their personal sexuality. And when the time comes for them to share that part of themselves with someone they love, knowing that sex is a good thing will make those experiences all the more meaningful for them.
Personal Practice 1
Think about and write down a few of the reasons why sex is important to you. How can it strengthen your own relationship? Developing in your self a belief that sex is positive is the first step to helping your children have a healthy relationship with their own sexuality.

References

Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). The man’s guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the “love lab” about what women really want. New York City, NY: Rodale Books.
Guilamo-Ramos, V. (2018, October 24). How Parents Shape Teens’ Sexual Decision-Making for the Better. Retrieved from https://powertodecide.org/news/how-parents-shape-teens-sexual-decision-making-for-better
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.
Shoop, D. M., & Davidson, P. M. (1994). AIDS and adolescents: The relation of parent and partner communication to adolescent condom use. Journal of Adolescence, 17(2), 137-148. http://dx.doi.org/10.1006/jado.1994.1014
Stone, N., & Ingham, R. (2002). ‘Factors affecting British teenagers’ contraceptive use at first intercourse: The importance of partner communication. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 34(4), 191–197
Wellings, K., Nanchahal, K., Macdowall, W., McManus, S., Erens, B., Mercer, C. H., et al. (2001). Sexual behaviour in Britain: Early heterosexual experience. The Lancet, 358, 1843–1850.

 

 

4B3A0538edit

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Continue Reading

Power Couples

Newlywed Crash Course – Dealing with Baggage

No Comments
Written by Shirley Anderson
This so called ‘newlywed crash course’ is by no means just for newlyweds! No matter where you are in your journey, this process is applicable to all and is most effective when re-examined often.
Congratulations! Your journey as Mr. and Mrs. has officially begun! As the sea of wedding presents and wrapping paper subsides, you can begin to unpack and settle into your new life together. In the coming weeks, you may begin to notice differences in what ‘baggage’ you and your partner have brought along for the journey. Sorting through this baggage – whether it be emotional, habitual, or preferential can either help or hinder your new marriage relationship. While this process of sorting and replacing baggage may be challenging, it can also be a valuable opportunity to learn and grow closer as a couple!

Sort It

Believe it or not, much of the baggage we bring to marriage has already been packed for us. Our bags are full of silly quirks, helpful and harmful habits, behaviors, values, strengths, weaknesses…etc. These items have been acquired through years of exposure to unique family dynamics, education, societal norms, and subcultures that influence how we view and interact with our world. Our suitcases, while individual, are largely made up of things we never consciously chose to pack ourselves. Because these items are formed over time, many are deeply rooted and difficult to recognize within ourselves. Often it takes another person (like a spouse) to help us identify such baggage and initiate the sorting process. This recognition and change in perspective is known as a ‘paradigm shift’ as it fundamentally ‘shifts’ the way we view ourselves and our relationships. Sorting is exactly that – a paradigm shift.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
While ‘baggage’ generally has a negative connotation, it is not inherently good or bad. Many of the traits, habits, or mannerisms are favorable but when placed in the context of the new marriage relationship, are simply incompatible. An amusing example of this occurred when my husband Cameron and I were on a road trip early in our marriage. Cameron had been driving for hours and we still had many more to go. I noticed he was starting to get tired and told him I’d drive the next leg to give him a break. He kindly shrugged it off and continued to drive the remainder of the trip despite my incessant offering to take a turn. By the time we got to our destination, it was obvious that he was exhausted and a bit irritable. I asked him why he hadn’t let me drive and he finally explained, “Cause’ I’m the man and it is the man’s job to drive!” We immediately began to laugh as we both realized how silly this sounded. Together we recognized our two divergent views (baggage) on long distance driving – one from my family culture of “everyone takes a turn”, and the other from Cameron’s family culture of “the man muscles through.” While neither view was wrong, they certainly were incompatible. Together we decided that taking turns was the safer option and road trips are much more enjoyable now!
The paradigm shift of sorting baggage best facilitates change when couples consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success. Stephen R. Covey wrote, “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart.” He drives the point home with, “Don’t push; be patient; be respectful.”

Replace It

Sorting without the action of replacing baggage is ineffective, and the way in which you choose to go about this as a couple can either make or break your marriage in a very literal sense. Researchers have discovered that the first three minutes of a marital discussion is a strong predictor of happiness in the relationship. ‘Baggage conversations’ when met with kindness and understanding are indicative of continued compatibility in marriage as your relationship grows. Similarly, when such discussions commence with anger and resentment, research shows strong correlations for future marital conflict and higher divorce rates.
silhouette of 2 person sitting on bench during sunset
Photo by Thomas Couillard on Unsplash
When a deeply ingrained habit or characteristic is uprooted, a void is created. If that void is not deliberately replaced with an agreed-upon change, couples may discover that the objectionable baggage repeatedly turns up unannounced. A conscious, consistent effort over time will forge new habits, attitudes, and values that can transform and improve future behavior, and will help the couple learn to work together as a team. There are no shortcuts to replacing baggage. This is part of the ‘hard work’ of marriage. It is a purposeful practice that should not be rushed or left unattended. As your relationship matures, new unsuspected items may appear from time to time, but your established habit of addressing them constructively, coupled with deepening trust and commitment levels, will ensure successful resolutions.
While there is growth and progress, there is no actual “arriving” on this journey. Happiness and satisfaction in your relationship are discovered and enjoyed throughout the journey of marriage as you continually meet at baggage claim.

Self-Evaluation:

  • Does my spouse feel safe unloading their baggage?
  • Am I listening to my spouse with the intent to understand?
  • Do I approach ‘baggage conversations’ with kindness and patience?
  • Do I regularly point out the positive baggage I admire in my spouse?
  • Do I regularly sort through my own baggage?
  • Am I willing to make necessary changes that will improve my marriage?

References

Covey, Stephen R. (1989) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Frisby, B. N., Sidelinger, R. J., & Booth-Butterfield, M. (2015). No harm, no foul: A social exchange perspective on individual and relational outcomes associated with relational baggage. Western Journal of Communication, 79(5), 555–572. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/10570314.2015.1075585
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5. doi:10.2307/353438
Tramm, N. L. (2005). Claiming your baggage. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 33(4), 317–318.

 

IMG_20180509_194208
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Continue Reading