Talking to your kids about sex is important, and it is not a one-time conversation. Discussing sexuality with your kids should be a relatively frequent conversation because the development and needs of children change as they mature. Growing up can be confusing, and talking about sensitive material can make parents uncomfortable. But as a parent, you are your child’s primary educator. What you say and what you don’t say teaches your children about sexuality, body image, and romantic relationships. Reflect: How do you approach touchy topics? What could you be verbally and nonverbally teaching your children? Here’s a crash course to help you guide your child through all the emotions and hormones and questions and relationships.
1. Remove the culture of shame.
Remember that as the parent, you are their number one resource for messages about sex. Like I said, what you say and what you don’t say communicates a lot to your kids. And kids are smart. If you are uncomfortable talking about sex, your kids will sense that. If you freak out when your kids ask questions, they will stop asking and instead will turn to answers from Google and the locker room. My guess is that you don’t want that. There’s a lot of inaccurate information out there. The way you approach sexuality must be natural and comfortable to prevent kids from feeling ashamed of their questions and completely natural feelings changes in their bodies.
2. Answer questions honestly.
Provide age appropriate, honest, and medically accurate answers. In this climate, professionals agree that children should know the basic process of sex and its function by the time they are eight years old. When I tell parents this, some agree and some panic. That’s understandable. But the world is become hypersexualized. And remember, the average age of first exposure to pornography is age ten. If your child saw pornography, but had never had a conversation about healthy sexuality with you, their reaction to that stimulus could be negative and even damaging. By being honest about where babies come from, you remove shame and awkwardness as well as confusion and curiosity.
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If you are uncomfortable answering a question, practice in the mirror. Children hear some crazy things at school, and they are going to ask. Elementary school kids are hearing about R-rated topics from their peers. If you can’t answer their questions in the moment without losing your mind, thank your child for asking you. Then tell them that you want to talk to their other parent and/or do some research on how to answer their question. Give them a specific time in which you will follow up. Answer the same day if possible. For example, “Thank you for coming to me with that question. That’s a tough one. I would like to talk to your dad/mom about how to answer that question. I will come and talk to you about it after dinner tonight.” Then go practice giving your answer in the mirror until you are completely comfortable saying it and showing no degree of shock or anxiety. And follow up on time! If you don’t follow up, you may demonstrate to your child that you are afraid to have tough conversations, and that can close down that communication that is so essential.
3. Get comfortable using correct medical terminology.
It’s that simple. Penis and vagina are not dirty words. They are medical terms to describe parts of the body. Imagine if you called your elbow a hoohah. You’d probably be ashamed of it. Referring to parts of the body accurately helps to prevent shame and keeps things clear.
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Uterus is not a dirty word either! We need to stop saying, “the baby is in Mommy’s tummy”. It’s not. When I was a kid and my mother told me this, I was so confused. I pictured a little baby floating around in all of this digested food. I also knew that food turned to fecal matter, and so the picture of babies floating in fecal matter confused me even more. It didn’t make sense. A parent once insisted that it was impossible to explain a uterus to a young child. Watch this: “The baby is growing in Mommy’s uterus. It’s a warm place just for the baby to grow.”
4. Remember that sexuality is an important part of human life and is normal.
Again, this is pretty simple. As your kids grow and develop, they can be confused by the messages about sex that the world sends, images they see, things their peers say and do, and the way their bodies change. Be prepared to face these issues with them. They are growing, and their developing sexuality is a good thing. Help them see their sexuality as normal and teach them to make healthy decisions about their sexuality.
5. Talking about Sex is less about ‘plumbing’ and more about relationships and decision-making.
Most of us understand the basic anatomy and physiology of the digestive system. But does that keep us from downing too much sugar and ignoring the salad on the table? Sometimes. Apply this to sex. Just because you can identify the parts of the body does not mean that you are able to make healthy decisions about that body. Teaching kids – and especially adolescents – the basic process of sex and anatomy of reproductive organs is just not enough. Teaching kids how to make healthy decisions about their relationships and sexuality will make a difference. Help kids understand why and how to make healthy decisions. Help them learn to communicate, withstand peer pressure, advocate for themselves, and understand that actions have consequences, good and bad.
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6. Having these conversations early will help keep communication open through adolescence.
The earlier you begin, the earlier your children will trust you with sensitive topics. By openly communicating with your children early, you build a relationship and your children learn that they can rely on you to help them. Building that trusting relationship before your kids start dating and going through puberty will help that communication be easier when sexuality becomes more important than ever in your child’s life. If your children trust you, they will be more likely to talk to you about the good and the bad. And we need our kids to talk.
7. Be on the same page as your spouse.
Don’t leave it to the other parent to have the difficult conversations. These conversations do not need to be gendered. Mothers can talk to their sons; fathers can talk to their daughters. And mothers and fathers need to talk about their game plan together. How do you feel about dating? Modesty? Sex? What guidelines and boundaries will you set for your children?
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By being on the same page and presenting a united front, your children will see you as a family they can turn to if things go wrong, and will trust you to help things go right. Parents who are on the same page and have a plan create an environment of consistency, safety and trust for their children.Start talking!
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Hall, C. P., Ph.D. (2016, August/September). Teaching about Sexual Education. Lecture presented at Sexuality Education in the Curriculum in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Hill, T., LMFT. (2013, September 27). Sexual Intimacy. Lecture presented at Strengthening Marriage and Families Class in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Talking With Kids: A Parent’s Guide to Sex Education[Pamphlet]. (2006). Chicago, IL: National PTA.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Most of us love kissing our partners. It can be fun or sexy, romantic or playful, or a million other things. Beyond that, tons of research has shown that kissing your partner has many benefits and is extremely healthy (Busby et al., 2020; Santos-Longhurst, 2018; Kulibert et al., 2019; Fisher et al., 2015)
Biological Benefits
First, kissing has three major biological functions: 1) it helps us assess how suitable a mate is, 2) it arouses us, 3) it prepares the body and mind for sexual intimacy (Busby et al., 2020).
Kissing increases semiochemicals (pheromones) which aid in bonding. Most pheromones are detected by smell, but some of the strongest ones are located on the lips and other erogenous zones.
Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash
As if that weren’t enough, research has shown that making out with your partner boosts your metabolism and immune system, can lower your cholesterol, and can even heal your DNA for up to a minute after a good makeout session. Kissing also significantly lowers stress, which is linked to digestive and cardiovascular health, headaches, and fertility, to name only a few. On top of that, passionate kissing burns an average of 6.4 calories per minute. If you make out for 30 minutes, that’s 192 calories (Santos-Longhurst, 2018).
While you probably ought to kiss your partner for love, not just to boost your metabolism or lower your cholesterol, it is just one way science proves the importance of healthy romantic relationships.
Here’s where it becomes even more interesting. These benefits are most powerful in monogamous relationships (Kulibert et al., 2019). In other words, kissing your partner is biologically much healthier than kissing anyone with a nice pair of lips.
Photo credit: Gloria Prestwich
Relationship Benefits
Mostly, kissing is an incredibly important part of emotional and physical intimacy. If you are having trouble connecting emotionally or physically, kissing more often is one way to improve your relationship (Busby et al., 2020).
Many people report that kissing more frequently outside of a sexual context leads to higher relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction. And kissing your partner as a greeting and a farewell is also important.
Kissing increases the production of oxytocin and dopamine – the chemicals that make you happy and all warm and fuzzy inside (Buehler, 2014). This helps you bond to your partner. It produces emotional attachment. Both the majority of men and women report that kissing is the highest expression of love. I mentioned earlier that kisses can be fun, playful, sexy or romantic. Kisses are nonverbal messages to your partner, and the way you express love, in this way, as many others, drives the success of your relationship and the closeness you feel to one another.
What about the kids?
A little caveat here. In our teaching, my husband and I work with many kids who say they have never seen their parents kiss each other, and this breaks my heart. Your children may not need to see you make out, but it is important to be affectionate around your children. Children will practice in their own relationships what they see you doing. Kissing and being affectionate in front of your children teaches them that marriages can be fulfilling and loving, not the ball-and-chain entrapment Hollywood makes them out to be. Kiss in front of them. It is important for children to see that their parents love each other. This reinforces that you are a team.
1. Please go make out with your partner!
2. Increase the frequency of non-sexual romantic kissing throughout your day.
References
Buehler, S. (2014). Review of The heart of desire: Keys to the pleasures of love. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(3), 255–256. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/0092623X.2014.894317
Busby, D. M., Hanna-Walker, V., & Leavitt, C. E. (2020). A kiss is not just a kiss: Kissing frequency, sexual quality, attachment, and sexual and relationship satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/14681994.2020.1717460
Fisher, W. A., Donahue, K. L., Long, J. S., Heiman, J. R., Rosen, R. C., & Sand, M. S. (2015). Individual and partner correlates of sexual satisfaction and relationship happiness in midlife couples: Dyadic analysis of the international survey of relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 44(6), 1609–1620. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10508-014-0426-8
Kulibert, D. J., Moore, E. A., Dertinger, M. M., & Thompson, A. E. (2019). Attached at the lips: The influence of romantic kissing motives and romantic attachment styles on relationship satisfaction. Interpersona: An International Journal on Personal Relationships, 13(1), 14–30. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.5964/ijpr.v13i1.324
Santos-Longhurst, A. (2018, July 13). 16 reasons to kiss. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/benefits-of-kissing
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Start talking!
