Love, Me, Power Couples, Project Parent

How to Help Your Loved Ones Cope with Infertility Stress

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Infertility.
The word brings incredibly deep despair, discouragement, pain and heartache. A diagnosis of infertility brings with it a drastic change in identity. Men and women’s identities are biologically, psychologically, socially, and often spiritually entwined in being able to create life. And while 85% of couples are able to get pregnant without extraordinary measures, often “accidentally”, the other 15% of couples are emotionally exhausted, stressed, and lonely.
I want you to understand the stress that your loved ones are facing. The sense of loss is great. The struggle is significant. And if you can understand, then you can really help. And we want you to understand and help.

How bad is the stress?

Turns out, that women undergoing infertility treatment exhibit the same stress levels that cancer patients do. And many cancer survivors who struggled with infertility after their cancer reported that their stress during infertility was higher than when they were undergoing cancer treatment. They reported feeling more isolated, having less support from loved ones, and reported a significant impact on their sense of individuality and identity (Gurevich, 2016). The likelihood of an infertile woman experiencing a severe depressive episode is estimated to be nearly four times higher than for fertile women (Domar, et al., 2005). Men are more likely to receive hurtful comments about their infertility than women are. Many men dealing with infertility experience stress, particularly if they withdraw, do not seek social support, and desire children comparable to the degree their female counterparts do. Men receive less support and are subject to more thoughtless commentary than women, especially in the workplace (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
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Infertility is a crisis, affecting not only physiology, but also finances and other resources, couple relationships, sexual functioning, social connections, immediate and long term goals and life plans, and family and social relationships (Rubin, 2001).

Finances

Finances are another obvious stressor. Most insurance companies do not cover infertility treatment because it is “elective”. Currently, 35 states do not require insurance companies to provide any kind of fertility coverage. The 15 states that do mandate insurance coverage vary in their requirements, and across the nation, very few companies cover more than testing for the diagnosis of infertility issues. The few companies that do cover IVF (in vitro fertilization) usually have a lifetime cap of $10,000-$25,000. When you consider that one cycle of IVF costs $12,000-$15,000, and that two-thirds of women don’t have a successful birth until after the 6th cycle, the numbers quickly become overwhelming. With these odds, a couple could easily pay $50,000 out of pocket, IF they live in one of 15 states covering IVF, with the very best case scenario of a $25,000 lifetime coverage plan And this doesn’t even include prenatal or postnatal care, by the way. This is just getting the bun in the oven.

Sex

Another contributing factor to infertility-related stress is the dramatic change in sex life. For most people, sex is a fun, and extremely meaningful part of a relationship that helps people connect and bond with one another. It is an expression of love, trust, and vulnerability. But when going through infertility, sex becomes a scheduled medical procedure based on body temperature and ovulation schedule, rather than intimacy and love (Rubin, 2001).
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Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

Biological Factors and Medical Treatments

Do not even get me started on the hormone levels. That’s a whole other rabbit hole. Imagine your wife having those wild pregnancy hormones and crippling stress….but no baby. Nothing to show for it. Just persistent hormones and mood swings…and an empty uterus. Whether it’s a couple of simple medications, IUI, or IVF, infertility treatment is hard, and every failed attempt restarts the hope-despair cycle, contributing to the increase of severe depressive episodes experienced by those struggling with infertility.

Stigma and Hurtful (even if unintentional) Comments and Actions

Because infertility is not normative, those battling it often feel the need to make excuses or explain their conditions because of the way others treat them, as if the condition is somehow inappropriate or wrong. This helps to explain the social aspects, and not merely physical aspects of infertility, and how the stigmas surrounding it can socially and psychologically damage infertile couples further. Researchers have addressed the social psychology of infertility, explaining further that infertility is an unwanted social status, and therefore carries a stigma (Matthews & Matthews, 1986). Because of stigmas and fear of hurtful or unsupportive treatment, 15% of women and 19% of men do not tell their families when they are undergoing IVF treatment and 23% of couples have not told both sets of parents, only one. (Peters, et al., 2005). The trouble with this is that those who are generally expected and hoped to be closest to a couple are not part of their support system, making them more susceptible to mental illnesses like depression. And men are more likely to receive hurtful comments than women (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
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How to help

Increasing positive self-perception is a critical part of managing the negative impacts of infertility (Raque-Bogdan & Hoffman, 2010). Helping your loved ones to identify their positive qualities and working to refrain from insinuating that they are less of a person because of that infertility (it may sound obvious, but people make comments without meaning to more often than they even realize) is essential.
It is unlikely that people will ask, but when possible and appropriate, helping by contributing financially is incredibly helpful. At the beginning of the year, my husband and I were blessed tremendously. Generous friends sent us a check, which immediately went into an account my husband and I have just for infertility treatments. We certainly have a long way to go, but the amount of stress this relieved was indescribable, and our gratitude matched it.
Please do not attempt to help with the sex life portion of stress. Leave that one to us. Frequently men have suggested sex positions to my husband. Sex positions aiding in fertility are myths, and a couple’s sex life is their own. It is not a conversation for you to initiate.
Ask appropriate questions. Sometimes we need to talk about it. I know it can be awkward for you, but it means a lot when you say, “Hey, how are you doing with the infertility stuff?” And you can even say “stuff” if you don’t know what to say. And if we say, “okay” or “fine”, take it with a grain of salt. A coworker recently approached me and asked how my “infertility journey” was going. She didn’t give advice. She just listened and validated. We only spoke for about five minutes, but I cannot tell you how much that simple conversation meant. Please be mindful that your questions do not become intrusive: “When are you going to take on a more intense form of treatment?”, for example, is a deeply personal question.
We’re going to be okay. We know that. But for now, we press forward. We look for temporary distractions, many of us attend grief and/or marriage counseling, and central to our health is finding other parts of our identity, searching for meaning in other places. It is hard – some days it seems impossible – but we will be okay. And we greatly appreciate all the love, generosity, support and empathy you provide.

Personal Practice 1

Check in with a friend or family member struggling with infertility. Take a moment to be a good friend: an active, empathetic listener.

References

DOMAR, A., PENZIAS, A., DUSEK, J., MAGNA, A., MERARIM, D., NIELSEN, B., & PAUL, D. (2005). The stress and distress of infertility: Does religion help women cope? Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause, 3(2), 45-51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sram.2005.09.007
Gurevich, R. (2016, August 2). What Infertility, Trauma, and Cancer Survivors Have in Common. Retrieved February 16, 2017, from https://www.verywell.com/how-infertility-Cancer-trauma-survivors-are-similar-1959993
Fisher, J. R., & Hammarberg, K. (2011). Psychological and social aspects of infertility in men: An overview of the evidence and implications for psychologically informed clinical care and future research. Asian Journal of Andrology, 14(1), 121-129. https://doi.org/10.1038/aja.2011.72
Matthews, A. M., & Matthews, R. (1986). Beyond the mechanics of infertility: Perspectives on the social psychology of infertility and involuntary childlessness. Family Relations, 35(4), 479. https://doi.org/10.2307/584507
Peters, C., Kantaris, X., Barnes, J., & Sutcliffe, A. (2005). Parental attitudes toward disclosure of the mode of conception to their child conceived by in vitro fertilization. Fertility and Sterility, 83(4), 914-919. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.fertnstert.2004.12.019
Raque-Bogdan, T. L., & Hoffman, M. (2010). Self-Perception, Hope and Well-Being in Women Experiencing Infertility. American Psychological Association 2010 Conference Presentation.
Rubin, H. D. (2001). The impact and meaning of childlessness: an interview study of childless women (Unpublished doctoral dissertation).

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

 

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Project Parent

Project Parent – The Best We Can Bring

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Written by Aubrey Hartshorn
The moment that my husband and I held our daughter in our arms for the very first time was a moment that changed us to the very core. Not only was a sweet baby girl born that day, but a mother and father were born as well.
When you become a parent, you realize that forevermore someone else’s well-being is far more important than your own. You realize that as a parent you are going to give more than even seems possible… but also that you are going to experience more joy than you ever imagined.
Here at the Healthy Humans Project, we are passionate about empowering parents and equipping them with tools to help their children thrive. Research is clear that the better parents understand child development, the more likely they are to engage in positive parenting practices that will help their children thrive emotionally, physically, socially, and cognitively.
Past research has demonstrated that “children who [have] parents who monitor their behavior, [are] consistent with rules and [are] warm and affectionate, [are] more likely to have close relationships with their peers, be more engaged in school, and have better self-esteem.” (2009) Furthermore, children who experience positive parenting are more likely to in turn practice positive parenting and general relationship skills as they go on to have their own families. (Kerr, 2009) Although our children will each make their own choices, as parents we play a crucial role in providing our children with an environment where they can experience optimal development. And our choice to be intentional about the way we parent our children has the potential to affect generations to come.
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Not only does our ability to parent affect our children and who they will choose to become, it also has the power to mold and shape who WE are. Interacting with, and working to teach, love, and nourish our children brings more of a capacity for learning, for patience, for ingenuity, for LOVE than we ever thought possible. As we actively and intentionally working towards becoming better parents, our own personal growth and development will continue as well. 
I love Rose Kennedy’s view on parenting when she said, “I looked on child rearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging as any honorable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it.” While we will certainly make mistakes along the way, each day we can resolve to bring the best we can to our parenting. As we go about this great work of shaping souls, each of us has the choice to leave negative parenting practices in the past and choose a better way to parent our children.
And so, to my little girl whose eyes I gazed into for the first time just nine short months ago, my greatest hope for you is that in our home you will be loved, seen, heard, and taught. And my greatest hope for myself is that each day I will choose to bring the best of myself to my parenting.

Personal Practice 1

This week, take some time to reflect on your current parenting practices. What are you doing well? What is something you would like to improve? Write down your thoughts and any goals you may want to implement.

References

Gadsden, V. L., Ford, M., & Breiner, H. (2016). Parenting matters: supporting parents of children ages 0-8. The National Academies Press.
Kerr, D. C. R., Capaldi, D. M., Pears, K. C., & Owen, L. D. (2009). A prospective three generational study of fathers’ constructive parenting: Influences from family of origin, adolescent adjustment, and offspring temperament. Developmental Psychology, 45(5), 1257–1275. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/a0015863
Parent, J., Dale, C. F., McKee, L. G., & Sullivan, A. D. W. (2021). The longitudinal influence of caregiver dispositional mindful attention on mindful parenting, parenting practices, and youth psychopathology. Mindfulness, 12(2), 357–369. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s12671-020-01536-x
Positive parenting can have lasting impact for generations. (2009, September 01). Retrieved from https://today.oregonstate.edu/archives/2009/sep/positive-parenting-can-have-lasting-impact-generations

 

 

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Aubrey Hartshorn is from Weiser, Idaho. She is happily married to her husband Joseph and is the proud mamma of a beautiful little girl. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Studies. She is passionate about mindfulness, minimalism, and motherhood.

 

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Guest Writers, Project Parent

Do You Play Favorites? – Tips for Managing Differences Between Your Children

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Written by Alex Jensen
When my son was two and his older sisters were five and six, mornings were hectic at our house. My wife and I would busily run around making breakfast, preparing lunches, and helping children get ready for the day. Somewhere in there, we would get ourselves ready too. One morning from this time of life stands out in my memory. My son was just beginning to put multiple words together. We had already dressed him, and in the hustle and bustle of the morning, I had not noticed that he had put his shoes on and gone and sat by the door. As I went to leave and take the five year old to kindergarten, he looked up at me and said, “Me go?” He was ready and anxious to go, but he had to stay. He simply was not old enough for kindergarten, and I could not take him with me to teach classes at the university. It broke his little heart.
The ages and the contexts have changed, but similar experiences play out in our household on a daily basis. The oldest is upset that the youngest gets more help with chores than she does. The youngest is upset that he is not allowed to ride his bike around the block by himself like the oldest. Our children are different people, with different abilities and different needs, we must treat them differently. Yet, sometimes it seems that no matter what you do, you simply cannot win as a parent.
In life, we call these differences reality; our children may call it favoritism. Researchers call it parental differential treatment. Overall, research paints a bleak picture. Across childhood and adolescence, dozens of studies suggest that when we treat our children differently, that the one receiving the short end of the stick (i.e., my two year old son who could not go to school) is at risk for causing more trouble at home and school, being more depressed, receiving lower grades, and even engaging in substance use (in adolescence). Perhaps the silver lining is that children who believe that they get the better treatment tend to be less disruptive, are less depressed, do better in school, and are less likely to engage in substance use.
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The realities of life and the scientific research create a frustrating conundrum. We must treat our children differently, but in doing so we may put them at risk. So what is a parent to do? I have spent nearly the last decade of my professional life researching this question. I offer several suggestions below. Each of these is based on one or more studies and my interpretation of them. As a researcher, however, I must caution that more research is needed in this area and these findings are not universal truth.

Be aware of why differences exist

In an older but important foundational study, Kowal and Kramer (1997) found that differences in treatment might not have negative implications in some families. In particular, they found that among 11-13 year-olds, when the children saw differences in parenting as fair, then it had no impact. The children reported that differences were expected because they were different ages, one sibling simply needed more help, they were a different sex than their sibling, they had different interests, or because of disabilities.
These findings present an important idea — if our children recognize why we are treating them differently, then they may see it as fair. What does this mean as a parent? Be open with your children as to why they are treated differently. For example, our oldest recently complained that we were helping a younger sibling with a chore; help that we did not offer her. She was visibly upset by this difference. We mentioned that the younger sibling was unable to physically open the door to the closet where the vacuum was stored, and could not plug it in themselves. As we explained this to her it was as if a lightbulb went off and she said, “Oh, ok.” Then she went happily on her way. The younger the child, the harder this will be, but start young. As they develop the capacity to understand, you will already be in the habit of discussing and talking about differences in treatment.
Although we likely will not have a conversation about every difference, we need to be willing to talk about it with our children. To me, this further suggests that as parents we need to be thoughtful about those differences in treatment and be aware of why they exist. If we find ourselves treating our children differently for a particular reason that we would not want our children to know about, then maybe that particular difference is inappropriate.
Additionally, I suggest that you follow your children’s lead. When they mention differences in treatment, or seem bothered by them, that is the time for a discussion. If you are always bringing up the differences, you may create concern and stress that did not already exist.
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Beware of comparisons

The birth of our first child was an amazing time. I loved watching her grow over those first months and years. Every milestone was a new stage of life that brought new possibilities and challenges. For a long time I could tell you what percentiles her height and weight had been at many ages and how her motor and language skills compared to the average child. That same process was no less exciting with the birth of our next daughter. I discovered quickly, however, that I was prone to interpreting the second daughter’s development in the context of her older sister. I would often say things like, “She just started walking, but her older sister did it nine months earlier than her.” Or, “She already has a vocabulary of over 400 words, her older sister only knew 100 words at this age!” Those comparisons may be harmless with babies, but several recent studies of my own highlight that they may eventually matter. In two different studies, we asked parents to make comparisons about their children, and then we measured what happened over time (Jensen & McHale, 2015; Jensen, McHale, & Pond, 2018). When parents believed that a child was not as smart as the sibling, or that they were more trouble, that child did worse in school and caused more trouble over time, after controlling for previous school performance and behavior. In part, what seems to happen is that children believe that parents treat them differently because of those comparisons, whether parents actually do or not.
Like with my infant daughters, we all make these comparisons about our children. Even if we do not voice those comparisons they may have a way of shaping our daily interactions with them, and in subtle ways may be detrimental to them as individuals. So as much as you can, avoid comparisons. Recently, to help myself make fewer comparisons about my children, I have tried to use less “relative” or “comparison-” based language. For example, rather than telling my daughter that she is the best, I might say, “You’re wonderful.” In essence, I am hoping to communicate love and value without it being in reference to anyone else, including her siblings.

Combat differences in treatment by treating them differently

My oldest daughter likes to wrestle and roughhouse. If she is having a hard day, it often makes her feel a little better if I swing her around like a sack of potatoes and then throw her on the couch. I learned pretty quickly that this does not work with my second daughter. She would rather do a puzzle with me, or draw a picture together. My son would rather play firefighters or read a book. Each of my children are different from one another, with different interests and personalities.
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Another study I conducted suggests that perhaps a way to combat differences in treatment is to go ahead and treat them differently. We found than in some families, differences in treatment had little to no impact on the children (Jensen & Whiteman, 2015). In these families it seemed that the parents were involved in their children’s lives. They knew who they were and what they needed. My suggestion is that you spend one-on-one time with each child. Some of that time should be in activities you prefer, but many times it should be directed by them. Spend time doing the things they enjoy and they will know that you truly care about them and their interests. When you do this, they may not be so concerned about differences in treatment.

Conclusion

Although every day may bring new experiences with differential treatment, these suggestions have the potential to build stronger families where each child feels valued and loved for who they are, and not for who they are in comparison to a sibling, or for how they are treated differently. You will make mistakes, we all do, but keep working on it and do your best.
Make a list of each of your children’s interests. If you are having a difficult time thinking of what to write down, ask your kids! Work on implementing these interests into your interactions with your children this week.
Download this free handout for a list of questions to help you get to know your child or teen.

References

Jensen, A. C., & McHale, S. M. (2015). What makes siblings different? The development of sibling differences in academic achievement and interests. Journal of Family Psychology, 29, 469-478. doi:10.1037/fam0000090
Jensen, A. C., McHale, S. M., & Pond, A. M. (2018). Parents’ social comparisons of siblings and youth problem behavior: A moderated mediation model. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 47, 2088-2099. doi: 10.1007/s10964-018-0865-y
Jensen, A. C., & Whiteman, S. D. (2014). Parents’ differential treatment and adolescents’ delinquent behaviors: Direct and indirect effects of difference score- and perception-based measures. Journal of Family Psychology, 28, 549-559. doi:10.1037/a0036888
Kowal, A., & Kramer, L. (1997). Children’s understanding of parental differential treatment. Child Development, 68, 113 – 126. doi:10.2307/1131929

 

 

IMG_20180519_134641 (1) (1)Alex Jensen is the lucky husband of Heidi and father of three. He is the youngest of six children. Alex received a bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University and a master’s and doctorate from Purdue University (in Human Development and Family Studies). He is currently an Assistant Professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.
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Project Parent

Sexual Grooming – What Parents Need To Know

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Written by Rian Gordon
I recently was required to complete a training for my new job that involved an online course all about detecting and dealing with child abuse. Some of the scenarios and descriptions used to help illustrate concepts both broke my heart, and made my stomach turn – it was devastating to know that such terrible things happen to so many innocent children. Where I am from in Utah, USA, the rates for child sexual abuse are particularly high. According to Prevent Child Abuse Utah, 1 in 5 Utah children are sexually abused before age 18. The national average is closer to 1 in 10 children, although it is difficult to determine the actual number, since it is suspected that about 60% of abused children never report the abuse. As a mother, I naturally wanted to learn more about how I can protect my son from this terrible injustice, and in this post, I will share with you a few of what I thought were some of the most helpful points of the training.
You can take the full training course yourself for free here. It only takes about an hour to complete, and it is well worth your time.

Recognizing Sexual Abuse

The first thing to remember about recognizing sexual abuse is that there are two types:
  1. Touching – “Touching a child on the private parts of their body for no appropriate reason”, OR, “Forcing a child to touch someone on their private parts”
  2. Non-touching – Can include, but is not limited to, “Using sexually explicit language when talking to a child, taking inappropriate pictures of a child, or asking them to take an inappropriate picture of themselves and sending them via any form of technology, forcing a child to undress, an adult exposing themselves to a child, and exposing a child to sexually explicit materials.”
It is also important to remember that 90% of the time, child sexual abuse is committed by someone in a child’s circle of trust, not a stranger.
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Because sexual abuse does not always leave a visible mark, it can be difficult to recognize when a child is being exploited. However, there are some red flags that can help alert you to the fact that something may be going on. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), here are some of the more subtle signs to watch for:
  • Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age
  • Not wanting to be left alone with certain people or being afraid to be away from primary caregivers, especially if this is a new behavior
  • Tries to avoid removing clothing to change or bathe
  • Excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics
  • Resuming behaviors that they had grown out of, such as thumbsucking or bedwetting
  • Nightmares or fear of being alone at night
  • Excessive worry or fearfulness
If your child develops one of these behaviors, it does not necessarily mean that they are being abused. However, if you notice that something seems off, follow your instincts, and listen to your gut. If you feel like something isn’t right or someone is making you uncomfortable—even if you can’t put your finger on why—it’s important to talk to your child.

The Grooming Cycle

Before a perpetrator commits sexual abuse, they typically go through what is called the “grooming cycle” – this cycle allows them to build an emotional connection with a child that eventually leads to sexual exploitation. It can take place over an afternoon, or can take years to complete. Grooming is also intended to make the child feel at least partially responsible for the abuse, which means that they are more likely to keep it a secret from parents or trusted adults.
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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
There are several different versions of the grooming cycle, but they typically include these general steps as outlined by Prevent Child Abuse Utah:
  1. Selection: There are many different factors that can determine whether or not a predator will select a specific child for abuse. These can include situational factors that allow easy access to a child, or preference for a specific age or gender. Research has found that a few other factors that make a child more likely to be selected for sexual abuse are low self-esteem, lack of knowledge about sex, previous exposure to sexually explicit media, and unsupervised access to technology.
  2. Engagement: During this stage, the predator works to develop a relationship or a friendship with the parent and selected child. It is important to be aware of individuals who may be focusing too much time or attention on a child. If you find yourself thinking, “Why does this person want to spend so much time with my kid?”, that is a red flag. Trust your gut, and don’t be afraid to confront someone if you are concerned about the time they are spending around your child.
  3. Grooming: During the grooming stage, the predator tests boundaries with the selected child to determine how a child will respond to abuse. This boundary-testing can include back rubs, inappropriate jokes, and breaking rules, and keeping secrets from the child’s parents. The perpetrator will usually continue escalating physical contact to prepare the child for the sexual contact that will occur during the impending abuse. If a child complies, the predator will continue pursuing, but if the child refuses, the grooming cycle could end here. Encourage your child to always come to you if someone ever tries to tell them to keep a secret from you.
  4. Assault: The actual assault can be be incredibly confusing for a child. They may not understand what has happened, particularly if they lack knowledge about sex and appropriate vs. inappropriate touch. It can be even more confusing, since assault does not always hurt – sometimes it may feel good to the child.
  5. Concealment: Concealment can involve several tactics to ensure that the child does not tell someone about the assault. A predator may try to blame the child and try to make them feel responsible, they may threaten the child and tell them that they will hurt them or their parents if the child were ever to tell, or they may intimidate the child by telling them that no one would believe them if they were to tell someone.
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How To Respond

Even knowing the stages of the grooming cycle, it is not always easy to spot when someone is taking a child through the steps in order to prepare them for sexual abuse. This particular study by Winters and Jeglic (2016) found that, when comparing vignettes that included both situations where the adult was a predator and situations where the adult did not intend harm towards a child, participants were unable to recognize sexual grooming behaviors for any of the stages of grooming. Knowing this, your knee-jerk reaction might be to hide your children away and never let them develop any kind of relationship with anyone. Rather than teaching your children that they can’t ever trust another person, it is important to have regular and age-appropriate discussions with your children about personal body space and appropriate touch, and helping them to know that they can always tell you about anything. Teach them to listen to their feelings, and to respond when their gut is telling them that something isn’t right. Help them know that if someone touches them inappropriately it is NOT their fault, and they will not get in trouble for telling you. Have age-appropriate discussions with your children about sex and their body (read more in Aubrey-Dawn’s article here). Make these discussions comfortable and normal rather than based in fear and shame. Think of this knowledge as helping your child to develop healthy ideas about their own body and the amazing things it’s capable of doing. As you work with your child to build their knowledge-base, and to build mutual trust and love, they will have the information that they need to know when someone is trying to take advantage of them. And heaven forbid, if something ever were to happen, they will know that they can come to you for help and healing.
Option 1: Take the free training course to educate yourself more about child abuse.
Option 2: Have a conversation with your child about their body and their right to their own personal space.

 

* IF YOU SUSPECT THAT A CHILD YOU KNOW IS BEING ABUSED, REPORT IT. In the US, there is no penalty for an incorrect report given in good faith. It is always better to ensure that a child is safe.*
Utah Child Protective Services (CPS) 1-855-323-3237
https://dcfs.utah.gov/services/child-protective-services/
If you are outside of Utah, Google Child Protective Services for your area.
If the child is in immediate danger, please dial 911 to contact law enforcement.

 

References

Child Sexual Abuse Statistics. (2012). Retrieved from http://victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics
Warning Signs for Young Children | RAINN. (2018). Retrieved from https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children
Welner, M. (2010, October 18). Child Sexual Abuse: 6 Stages of Grooming. Retrieved from http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/child-sexual-abuse-6-stages-of-grooming/all
Winters, G. M., & Jeglic, E. L. (2016). Stages of Sexual Grooming: Recognizing Potentially Predatory Behaviors of Child Molesters. Deviant Behavior, 38(6), 724-733. doi:10.1080/01639625.2016.1197656
Prevent Child Abuse Utah https://pcautah.org/

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Guest Writers, Project Parent

Flawed Parents are the Best Tutors for Children

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Written by Julie Nelson
While dining in a Chicago restaurant, I learned the life story of our waiter.
His father owned a lucrative business for many years but went bankrupt. He was not legally obligated to pay back his debts, but this elderly waiter told us how he witnessed his father sacrifice the rest of his life to pay his creditors and die with a peaceful conscience. He lingered at our table, practically sitting down to eat with us, because his father’s story was so compelling.

How we ‘do-do’ it wrong

The father in this story became a hero to his son, not by being perfect, but by being perfectly flawed. It is hard to admit to our mistakes and make reparation. Most adults in leadership positions, whether in the workplace or as the head of the home, have the responsibility of maintaining control.
The status of being in charge suggests that all those under us should trust our judgment. As a result, we hide our flaws. We pretend to know always what is best. We tend to elevate our status to the “we can do no wrong” level in fear of losing the confidence of others.
Forbes magazine argues this is a dangerous belief because “it backs a leader into defending their poor choices, even when they themselves have come to recognize they were wrong.” The truth is we do do wrong, and that gets us in plenty of do-do when we try to cover it up.
Scientists call this cognitive dissonance: the tension you feel when you are mentally out of balance. Non-scientists, namely children, call this hypocrisy. It’s when our actions are in conflict with what we know to be wrong.
For example, I know eating too much cake is bad for me, but I just can’t resist another piece, and another, until it’s gone. As a result, I’m internally conflicted with a stomachache to boot.
As parents, we make mistakes all the time, but we make it worse when we lie about it: “No, I didn’t eat all your Halloween candy.” We cover it up because we crave cognitive consonance, or balance again in the universe (dad = hero). We don’t want our children to know we have trouble controlling our passions. We want them to still look up to us on the parental pedestal (the one use used to climb on to reach the candy up in the cupboard).
Chances are, however, that our hypocrisy will be discovered sooner or later, and we will fall — and fall hard. It will be difficult to regain our child’s trust.

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The 3 benefits of owning up

The healthy way to create consonance again is not to justify or lie, but to admit our mistakes: to come clean. Flawed parents are the best tutors because they can use personal mistakes to teach their children how to tell the truth. When our children hear and see us owning up to our mistakes they learn:
1. No one is perfect, and that’s a good thing.
A comforting thought is “no one is perfect … that’s why pencils have erasers.” Children need to see that we are trying to do our best, but when we slip up, that’s OK. Just apologize (sincerely) and get on with it. Rather than wringing our hands and becoming paralyzed with perfectionism, making a mistake once in a while reminds us we are human and allows others to make mistakes too. What a relief! You mean, you’re not perfect either? Families thrive best when they are filled with humans, not super humans or robots. I can love and be loved best when I am real, flawed, and vulnerable.
2. Mistakes are the tutors for growth.
Authors Tavris and Aronson said, “Learn to see mistakes not as terrible personal failings to be denied or justified, but as inevitable aspects of life that help us grow, and grow up.”
I’m reminded of an elementary school teacher who would do something wrong, and in front of her students she would chirp, “Oops! I made a mistake,” and then fix it in their view. She taught the children that the classroom is a safe place to experiment, take risks, and learn from their mistakes.
Dr.  Amanda Mintzer, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, stated, “Kids aren’t necessarily exposed to the reality that life includes mistakes, missteps, and even failures. As much as everyone likes things to go according to plan, it’s important to teach our children that it is also okay when they don’t.”
A home can provide the exposure to those realities. Imagine being the mom of Thomas Edison, who replied when asked about the failure of creating the light bulb: “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways it won’t work.”
3. To take responsibility for our actions.
We see less and less of taking responsibility from leaders in businesses, politics and in communities. If they do, it’s with a vague “mistakes were made.”
We need more role models who state, “I did that and I take full responsibility. I will do whatever it takes to make it right.” Honesty. How refreshing. What better lesson can we teach our children than shouldering up to the consequences of our actions?
The best part of a parent taking responsibility is when a child has the opportunity to watch how the parent goes about making it right. That’s where the real work is done. “Oh, boy. I just ran over a sprinkler head with the car. I’m going to need to get a new part and install it tomorrow.” Then enjoy taking the time to teach your child how to install a new sprinkler head.

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Honest effort after an honest mistake engenders trust and esteem from our children. Flawed parents need not fear mistakes, but draw out the human lessons we can learn from them. Mistakes authenticate us as tutors.
The waiter in the Chicago restaurant? I’ve never been so touched at the apparent admiration a son had for his father. Even in his advanced years, he was proud to wait tables for a living, feeling his father’s approval at every table.
Homework:
Option 1: Think about a time when you have made a mistake – preferably something that wasn’t too life-altering or upsetting to you. Think about what you learned from that mistake, and share about the experience with your child.
Option 2: Have a discussion with someone you love about the pitfalls of perfectionism, and how allowing ourselves to make mistakes can be a good thing. For help, take a look at this article by Aubrey Hartshorn.
References
Anderson, A. R. (2015, May 15). Admitting You Were Wrong Doesn’t Make You Weak — It Makes You Awesome! Retrieved October 4, 2018, from https://www.forbes.com/sites/amyanderson/2013/05/01/admitting-you-were-wrong-doesnt-make-you-weak-it-makes-you-awesome/#39cd61d376b3
Arky, B. (2018, August 16). Help Kids Learn to Fail | Building Self-Esteem in Children. Retrieved October 4, 2018, from https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-learn-to-fail/
Mcleod, S. (2018, February 05). Cognitive Dissonance. Retrieved October 4, 2018, from https://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-dissonance.html
Tavris, C., & Aronson, E. (2007). Mistakes were made (but not by me): Why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts. Orlando: Harcourt.

 

 

Head Shot_Julie NelsonJulie K. Nelson is Assistant Professor of Family Science at Utah Valley University and mother to five children. She is the author of two books: “Parenting with Spiritual Power,” and “Keep it Real and Grab a Plunger: 25 tips for surviving parenthood.” Visit her website www.aspoonfulofparenting.com, where she writes articles on the joys, challenges and power of parenting.
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