Cover photo by John Looy on Unsplash
Written by McKay Strong
Around 15% of pregnancies in the United States result in a miscarriage (Swanson et al., 2009). A miscarriage — sometimes called a “spontaneous abortion” — occurs when there is a sudden loss of pregnancy prior to the 20th week. So many factors go into the creation and growth of a fetus, and yet often, the cause of a pregnancy loss can never truly be identified. Although there has been an increase in the discussion surrounding miscarriages, it seems that many women are unaware of both the physical and psychological impacts of a miscarrying (Mcgee et al., 2018). Not only is there a lack of knowledge, but there is a stigma surrounding miscarriages and pregnancy loss. Although a large part of a miscarriage involves medical symptoms, focusing only on that neglects the psychological and relational aspects as well.
Research shows that following a miscarriage, women, in particular, tend to experience “an initial shock, … ongoing symptoms, and … a forever missing piece” (Mcgee et al., 2018). If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, feeling an overwhelming sense of grief is normal. From the moment a woman (or a couple) finds out that they are expecting, their entire mindset changes. They begin preparing for a child’s arrival. They discuss baby names, they buy cute infant clothes. Every thought tends to revolve around the upcoming addition to their family. “Grieving a miscarriage [tends] to be difficult because [there are] no accepted ritual[s] for processing grief…” (Mcgee et al.,2018). And unfortunately, many feel like they need to suffer in silence.
When a child is lost earlier in a pregnancy, parents-to-be are expected to accept it and easily move on. If neither the mother- nor father-to-be has felt their unborn child, or even had an ultrasound or heard a heartbeat, those outside of the relationship may think there is nothing to mourn.
As someone who has lost multiple members of my immediate family, I can tell you that losing an unborn child is a completely different type of loss. I don’t think there is a way to prepare yourself to go through it, so just be patient and don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling.
In their research study, McGee, PettyJohn, & Gallus found that, “Nine out of the ten women described a sense of isolation following miscarriage” (2018). Because women do experience so many physical symptoms of pregnancy, even if they have a male partner in the picture, mothers-to-be tend to feel isolated. Men have a hard time understanding what women are experiencing physically, and because men are mourning the potential of fatherhood, not motherhood, women tend to have a more difficult time understanding their pain in turn. Miscarrying tests a partnership in a different way than any other trial can. Be sure to give each other room to grieve in whatever way each of you needs, and be patient with one another. Share how you are feeling, seek to express empathy, and don’t hesitate to just cry together.
Pregnancy or even trying to get pregnant after a miscarriage can be especially difficult. Not only can your body exhibit different symptoms, but there also tends to be deep-ingrained anxiety. It’s hard not to expect and assume you will miscarry again. These feelings are real and valid, but it is best to acknowledge why you are feeling this way and practice ways to help calm your fears. Discussing your anxieties with your partner or a loved one is a good place to start. What are your biggest fears in regards to pregnancy? How much of that stems from your experience miscarrying? Don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling.
If you have gone through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or pregnancy loss of any kind, please know that you are not alone, no matter how it may seem. You may be 1 in 4 women, but you are so much more than a statistic. That was your baby, and it’s okay to not be okay – no matter how long ago you may have experienced this. Time may not heal your wounds completely, but it will help you better understand what you are feeling. There is no specific way to grieve, and it is okay to feel angry or sad or even indifferent.
Pregnancy loss may be common, but that doesn’t make your experience any less significant. Don’t be afraid to reach out to those around you if you are going through a miscarriage. Be patient with yourself and your body. Additionally, be patient with your partner and try your best to understand their experiences through a pregnancy loss.
Self: If you feel comfortable doing so, write down your experience with miscarriage. You can share this with others if you want, but try to reflect on how you may have felt during that time.
Others: If you yourself have not experienced a pregnancy loss, but know of someone who has, reach out to them. Be willing to listen and be prepared to talk about the baby.
References
Brin, D. J. (2004). The use of rituals in grieving for a miscarriage or stillbirth. Women & Therapy, 27(3–4), 123–132. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1300/J015v27n03_09
Mcgee, K., PettyJohn, M. E., & Gallus, K. L. (2018). Ambiguous loss: A phenomenological exploration of women seeking support following miscarriage. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 23(6), 516–530. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1080/15325024.2018.1484625
Puddifoot, J. E., & Johnson, M. P. (1997). The legitimacy of grieving: The partner’s experience at miscarriage. Social Science & Medicine, 45(6), 837–845. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/S0277-9536(96)00424-8
Swanson, K. M., Chen, H., Graham, J., Wojnar, D. M., & Petras, A. (2009). Resolution of depression and grief during the first year after miscarriage: A randomized controlled clinical trial of couples-focused interventions. Journal of Women’s Health, 18, 1245 – 1257 https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2008.1202
