I recently was required to complete a training for my new job that involved an online course all about detecting and dealing with child abuse. Some of the scenarios and descriptions used to help illustrate concepts both broke my heart, and made my stomach turn – it was devastating to know that such terrible things happen to so many innocent children. Where I am from in Utah, USA, the rates for child sexual abuse are particularly high. According to Prevent Child Abuse Utah, 1 in 5 Utah children are sexually abused before age 18. The national average is closer to 1 in 10 children, although it is difficult to determine the actual number, since it is suspected that about 60% of abused children never report the abuse. As a mother, I naturally wanted to learn more about how I can protect my son from this terrible injustice, and in this post, I will share with you a few of what I thought were some of the most helpful points of the training.
You can take the full training course yourself for free here. It only takes about an hour to complete, and it is well worth your time.
Recognizing Sexual Abuse
The first thing to remember about recognizing sexual abuse is that there are two types:
Touching – “Touching a child on the private parts of their body for no appropriate reason”, OR, “Forcing a child to touch someone on their private parts”
Non-touching – Can include, but is not limited to, “Using sexually explicit language when talking to a child, taking inappropriate pictures of a child, or asking them to take an inappropriate picture of themselves and sending them via any form of technology, forcing a child to undress, an adult exposing themselves to a child, and exposing a child to sexually explicit materials.”
It is also important to remember that 90% of the time, child sexual abuse is committed by someone in a child’s circle of trust, not a stranger.
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Because sexual abuse does not always leave a visible mark, it can be difficult to recognize when a child is being exploited. However, there are some red flags that can help alert you to the fact that something may be going on. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), here are some of the more subtle signs to watch for:
Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age
Not wanting to be left alone with certain people or being afraid to be away from primary caregivers, especially if this is a new behavior
Tries to avoid removing clothing to change or bathe
Excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics
Resuming behaviors that they had grown out of, such as thumbsucking or bedwetting
Nightmares or fear of being alone at night
Excessive worry or fearfulness
If your child develops one of these behaviors, it does not necessarily mean that they are being abused. However, if you notice that something seems off, follow your instincts, and listen to your gut. If you feel like something isn’t right or someone is making you uncomfortable—even if you can’t put your finger on why—it’s important to talk to your child.
The Grooming Cycle
Before a perpetrator commits sexual abuse, they typically go through what is called the “grooming cycle” – this cycle allows them to build an emotional connection with a child that eventually leads to sexual exploitation. It can take place over an afternoon, or can take years to complete. Grooming is also intended to make the child feel at least partially responsible for the abuse, which means that they are more likely to keep it a secret from parents or trusted adults.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
There are several different versions of the grooming cycle, but they typically include these general steps as outlined by Prevent Child Abuse Utah:
Selection: There are many different factors that can determine whether or not a predator will select a specific child for abuse. These can include situational factors that allow easy access to a child, or preference for a specific age or gender. Research has found that a few other factors that make a child more likely to be selected for sexual abuse are low self-esteem, lack of knowledge about sex, previous exposure to sexually explicit media, and unsupervised access to technology.
Engagement: During this stage, the predator works to develop a relationship or a friendship with the parent and selected child. It is important to be aware of individuals who may be focusing too much time or attention on a child. If you find yourself thinking, “Why does this person want to spend so much time with my kid?”, that is a red flag. Trust your gut, and don’t be afraid to confront someone if you are concerned about the time they are spending around your child.
Grooming: During the grooming stage, the predator tests boundaries with the selected child to determine how a child will respond to abuse. This boundary-testing can include back rubs, inappropriate jokes, and breaking rules, and keeping secrets from the child’s parents. The perpetrator will usually continue escalating physical contact to prepare the child for the sexual contact that will occur during the impending abuse.If a child complies, the predator will continue pursuing, but if the child refuses, the grooming cycle could end here. Encourage your child to always come to you if someone ever tries to tell them to keep a secret from you.
Assault: The actual assault can be be incredibly confusing for a child. They may not understand what has happened, particularly if they lack knowledge about sex and appropriate vs. inappropriate touch. It can be even more confusing, since assault does not always hurt – sometimes it may feel good to the child.
Concealment: Concealment can involve several tactics to ensure that the child does not tell someone about the assault. A predator may try to blame the child and try to make them feel responsible, they may threaten the child and tell them that they will hurt them or their parents if the child were ever to tell, or they may intimidate the child by telling them that no one would believe them if they were to tell someone.
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How To Respond
Even knowing the stages of the grooming cycle, it is not always easy to spot when someone is taking a child through the steps in order to prepare them for sexual abuse. This particular study by Winters and Jeglic (2016) found that, when comparing vignettes that included both situations where the adult was a predator and situations where the adult did not intend harm towards a child, participants were unable to recognize sexual grooming behaviors for any of the stages of grooming. Knowing this, your knee-jerk reaction might be to hide your children away and never let them develop any kind of relationship with anyone. Rather than teaching your children that they can’t ever trust another person, it is important to have regular and age-appropriate discussions with your children about personal body space and appropriate touch, and helping them to know that they can always tell you about anything. Teach them to listen to their feelings, and to respond when their gut is telling them that something isn’t right. Help them know that if someone touches them inappropriately it is NOT their fault, and they will not get in trouble for telling you. Have age-appropriate discussions with your children about sex and their body (read more in Aubrey-Dawn’s article here). Make these discussions comfortable and normal rather than based in fear and shame. Think of this knowledge as helping your child to develop healthy ideas about their own body and the amazing things it’s capable of doing. As you work with your child to build their knowledge-base, and to build mutual trust and love, they will have the information that they need to know when someone is trying to take advantage of them. And heaven forbid, if something ever were to happen, they will know that they can come to you for help and healing.
Option 1: Take the free training course to educate yourself more about child abuse.
Option 2: Have a conversation with your child about their body and their right to their own personal space.
* IF YOU SUSPECT THAT A CHILD YOU KNOW IS BEING ABUSED, REPORT IT. In the US, there is no penalty for an incorrect report given in good faith. It is always better to ensure that a child is safe.*
Winters, G. M., & Jeglic, E. L. (2016). Stages of Sexual Grooming: Recognizing Potentially Predatory Behaviors of Child Molesters. Deviant Behavior,38(6), 724-733. doi:10.1080/01639625.2016.1197656
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
