In both my practice, and in my research, I have found that a woman’s negative body image is a big disrupter of sexual enjoyment and responsiveness. According to marriage researcher, John Gottman, in the Western world by the time a woman is 60 years old, she will have viewed nearly 6 million media messages that describe ideal feminine beauty. There is also a lot of research that has proven the negative impact of these idealized female images, resulting in a woman’s struggle with the relationship she has with their body. Particularly when it is associated with sexual expression.
There is empirical evidence that a woman’s overall self-esteem and confidence is tied closely to way she feels about her body. Therefore, her sexual desire, initiation attempts, and relational satisfaction is directly related to her body image. When a woman feels confident about her body, she initiates more sex, enjoys sex more fully, and is more satisfied with her relationship. Conversely, when a woman has a poor body image, she is less confident sexually, initiates sex less frequently, and overall feels less sexual and relational satisfaction. So, the question is, does a woman’ body image impact her marriage!? The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”
There are two aspects of body image and sexual satisfaction in women. First, the way she thinks of her body. Secondly, what she believes her partner thinks about her body. Personally, as a therapist, no matter how beautiful or fit she is, I have yet to meet a woman who feels totally happy about her body. And, importantly, I have yet to counsel with a couple where the husband has been dissatisfied with his wife’s body. This fact should give women a few important messages.
When he tells you that you are beautiful and that he likes your curves, he’s being honest. He wants you to feel his love and acceptance when you are together, both in and out of the bedroom. I find it fascinating that universally the one sexual experience a husband is most aroused by is the ability to please his wife. It is not your breast size, not the shape of your butt, not the length of your legs that is most arousing to him, it is giving you sexual pleasure.
This is a mantra I share with clients and students…and even use myself. The brain is the largest sex organ. If you are not being mindful or living in the moment, you will not be sexually responsive to your partner’s touch. Passion begins in the mind. A woman’s brain and body must work together when it comes to making love. So, I suggest you forget about the dishes, laundry, tomorrow’s meeting, or that article you need to finish…and bring your head to bed with you!
Learn how your body responds sexually.
Frequently a woman is not experiencing orgasm because she doesn’t understand how her body works sexually. Give yourself some private time, or if you prefer invite your husband, to touch yourself for sexual discovery. As you learn what feels good, share that knowledge with your husband. Eventually together you can both participate in fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experiences.
Stop the negative ruminations about your body. Tell yourself the truth, you are beautiful. You are designed to experience a sexual fullness of joy as you both give and receive pleasure. I believe that sharing in this deepest part of yourself allows for bonding to occur in three ways: your body and your spirit connect fully to one another, you and your partner bond together, and your marriage relationship can connect more fully with God.
In conclusion, I believe I can safely say that a woman’s desire is largely dependent on her feeling desirable. Because it takes two to create a marriage, this summation can be helpful for both women and men:
For Women: Do all that you can to like yourself more. Spend time doing things that create energy and happiness in your season of life. All of us are in different stages of the life cycle, look at your stage and practically make decisions regarding how you will invest in your health and happiness. (For example, if you are a mother with young children, it might not be the best stage of life to return to graduate school.) Write truths about yourself and your body, then use these truths to combat negative self-talk that can sabotage your progress. Strive to eat healthy, drink plenty of water, get sunshine and exercise, and do what you can in your life stage to have adequate sleep. All of these things will help your mood, generate positive energy, and add an overarching sense of self-confidence and control. The way you choose to care for yourself will directly correlate with your overall feeling of sexual satisfaction and happiness.
For Men: The sea in which your wife has been swimming since birth has clearly given her the message that she needs to be desirable. Beware that few things hurt a woman more than criticism of the way she looks. Your wife will feel more beautiful if she knows that you only have eyes for her. Let her know that she is beautiful just the way she is, give sincere compliments, show her your love in ways that matter to her. In your sphere of influence, do all that you can to change the message that a woman’s value is connected to her attractiveness. Recognize that for a woman to feel confident sharing her sexuality, both her mind and heart need to feel secure with the relationship. How you choose to care for your wife’s happiness will directly correlate with your sexual and relational satisfaction. Research shows that taking time to invest in connecting emotionally with your wife is what ensures your health and longevity. Actually, a great marriage relationship is the best form of self-interest!
Choose one way to intentionally improve your relationship with your body this week.
References
Meltzer, A. L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Body image and marital satisfaction: evidence for the mediating role of sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 156-164. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019063
Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. WW Norton & Company.
Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women. Rodale.
Watson, L. J. (2018, December 20), Is body image affecting your sex life? Psychology Today.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at https://www.tammyhill.com/.
My interest in childhood eating began during my freshman year of college sitting in a beginning level nutrition class. That interest has grown over the last few years as I’ve worked to teach my almost two-year-old girls how to eat and encouraged them to gain a taste for healthy foods. Breastfeeding was incredibly difficult for me, as it is for many, and my concern for proper feeding has not gone away. And now, instead of breastfeeding, I am faced with teaching them to eat solid foods, how to manipulate a spoon, and instilling in them a desire to make nutritious choices as they age. I am going to bet that I am not the only one who has ever had questions or concerns regarding how, when, and what to feed their child.
So….how do we teach our children to have a healthy relationship with food? Can we prevent picky eaters? Is my child getting the right nutrition to meet their bodies’ needs? Here I present a few tips I have gathered from my favorite nutrition professor, pediatricians, current research and my own experiences.
1. When beginning to offer solid food the main goal is to create a positive and enjoyable experience with your baby.
In early infancy all of the body’s nutritional needs are met with breast milk or formula, so we do not need to worry about how much food our infants consume, although we will see an increase in ounces of food consumed as the child gets closer to 12 months.
Photo by Rainier Ridao on Unsplash
2. Children may need to be exposed to a food up to 15 times before developing a taste for a certain food.
I will never forget feeding my daughter peas for the first time and about five minutes later watching her throw them all up. Is she allergic? Is it a texture issue? Does she simply just not like them? These are all thoughts that ran through my head. If it is clear your child has a distaste for a specific food, or it causes vomiting episodes like above, many nutritionists and doctors suggest taking a break from the food and reintroducing it at a later time. I gave my girls scrambled eggs about 10 times before they started enjoying them instead of simply using them as projectile weapons. It was very frustrating and a lot of work, but now I can confidently say it was definitely worth it and I am happy my girls can now get protein from eggs. Just a personal tip, try mixing up the texture. My girls actually really liked hard boiled eggs right off the bat.
In an article published by the British Journal of Nutrition, we read interesting information regarding children’s taste for foods. “Food preferences develop from genetically determined predispositions to like sweet and salty flavours and to dislike bitter and sour tastes. There is evidence for existence of some innate, automatic mechanism that regulates appetite. However, from birth, genetic predispositions are modified by experience. There are mechanisms of taste development: mere exposure, medicine effect, flavour learning, flavour nutrient learning.” There is the possibility your child may never like brussel sprouts because genetics are in charge, however, I feel that as parents we sometimes have a tendency to say our children are picky eaters when the reality is we have not been putting enough effort in helping them explore the many different tastes and textures.
3. When your child is repeatedly asking for a certain food, say yes.
Caveat: this applies to foods under your established parameters of nutritious options! Many children have different tastes and will want meat, milk, a vegetable, etc. and will often ask for this item repeatedly, perhaps even as a snack. I like to think of this as their bodies telling them what they are lacking. Around 18 months one of my girls asked for bread during dinner time every night for a week and I gladly gave it to her knowing that she probably needed some extra calories. Even if your child is requesting the same food item over and over I do suggest offering it with other options so the child can see the variety of food available to them.
4. Offer a few healthy options you would be pleased with your child eating each meal.
Perhaps one meal I offer black beans, broccoli, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich all on the same plate. This allows me to give my girls options that I would be happy with them eating (giving me some control) while still allowing them to choose from the options (giving them some control). As to what those foods are and what you decide to offer your children, that is totally personal and up to you. My belief is moderation is all things, but I know many people who successfully feed their children on vegan, vegetarian, ketogenic, and paleo diets. The idea here is that you are in control and would be happy with what they choose from the choices you present, yet they have some personal freedom over their eating
5. Children are intuitive eaters and we need to trust their ability to know what their body needs.
As mentioned above, one important part of developing healthy eating habits is giving your children freedom to make choices, and whatever they decide to eat from their plate is up to them. When your child signals or tells you they are done…they are done. Many times my girls have told me they are done after only eating a few bites and I don’t worry, because I know they will make up the calories at another meal. Children typically eat two good meals a day- so don’t stress when they don’t want lunch one day. It is important to offer two regulated snacks throughout the day as well as children have a greater need to eat more frequently and the American Academy of Pediatrics Handbook recommends 3 main meals and 2 snacks in between meals.
6. Children are far more likely to accept new foods, and even eat foods they have been given many times, if family and friends are eating with them.
Unfortunately we can’t expect our children to be happy about eating broccoli while we are eating a doughnut. It just isn’t going to work. I try to eat as healthy as I can and almost always feed my girls whatever I am eating. In addition to eating with your child, sit them at the table or in their highchair every time they eat so they can associate eating time with sitting down in that manner. Snack times should typically occur in this place as well. Allowing our children to graze and eat at their own leisure leads to unhealthy snacking habits.
7. Whether or not a child can eat dessert should not be determined by how much dinner they eat.
CRAZY RIGHT?! The control that comes from “eat 4 more bites” or “no dessert until after dinner” creates unhealthy pressure for your child. Eating a dessert or treat should be an enjoyable activity for your child with no strings attached and should not be associated with good behavior. We will be far more likely to see an appropriate relationship with eating sweets if there isn’t unneeded control over eating them. The previously mentioned British Journal of Nutrition article also comments on this issue, saying, “Parents play a pivotal role in the development of their child’s food preferences and energy intake, with research indicating that certain child feeding practices, such as exerting excessive control over what and how much children eat, may contribute to children being overweight.”
Photo from pexels.com
I’m assuming your goal is like mine, to help your child create a healthy relationship with food as well as a desire to eat nutritious foods. Childhood body dysmorphic disorder rates are increasing and body image ideas related to eating is a concern for children at younger and younger ages. One way to combat this issue is to help create positive eating experiences throughout infancy and toddlerhood, offer healthy choices repeatedly, and do not put undue pressure on your child to eat a certain amount of food. The human body is incredibly designed and, especially during childhood years, is extremely efficient in self-regulating needs for nutrients. Helping our children to develop healthy relationships with food and eating can often be difficult and trying, but in the end we are teaching them skills and habits that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.
***From a medical standpoint as a nurse with pediatric experience I want to add that there are extenuating circumstances and medical situations that will call for parents to regulate food intake for their child. The information I have already shared will be most effective with healthy children who are growing steadily.
References
American Academy of Pediatrics (2018). Infant Food and Feeding. Retrieved from https://www.aap.org/en-us/advocacy-and-policy/aap-health-initiatives/HALF-Implementation-Guide/Age-Specific-Content/Pages/Infant-Food-and-Feeding.aspx
Scaglioni, S., Salvioni, M., & Galimberti, C. (2008). Influence of parental attitudes in the development of children eating behaviour. British Journal of Nutrition, 99(S1). doi:10.1017/s0007114508892471
Wadhera, D., Capaldi Phillips, E. D., & Wilkie, L. M. (2015). Teaching children to like and eat vegetables. Appetite, 93, 75–84. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.appet.2015.06.016
Elisabeth Gray is from Orem, Utah, but she is currently living in Tulsa, Oklahoma while her husband attends medical school. Betty graduated from Brigham Young University in April of 2016 with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and is a Registered Nurse. She has experience with pediatric home health patients, but she currently works from home so she can be with her two-year-old twin girls.
Choose one way to intentionally improve your relationship with your body this week.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at 
