Cover photo by Mindy Sabiston on Unsplash
Written by Allie Barnes
Organized religion is a huge part of many peoples’ lives. Studies have shown that those who value religion and spirituality are more likely to report happiness (Lee & Kawachi, 2019). There is often a narrative that those who leave organized religion will be miserable—and evidence even shows that leaving organized religion can negatively impact one’s mental and physical health (Fortenbury 2014). But what isn’t always expressed is why leaving organized religion impacts one’s health. I don’t think individuals necessarily experience pain from leaving the religion itself: I believe most of this pain is from confronting beliefs that they once believed were true, and too often from the pushback or isolation they receive from the people they once worshipped with.
It is not the leaving of organized religion that seems to cause negative effects—it is often the pain of having to reconstruct a belief system and the negative reactions of others that causes the most strain. We can show love and support to those leaving organized religion by practicing good communication, setting healthy boundaries, and respecting their right to choose their own path.
Communication
Earlier this year I felt inspired to interview individuals who had left organized religion on my podcast, Looks Like Wandering, to better understand their experience and what they needed most from the people around them. I interviewed people who had left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the Reformed Presbyterian Church, and those who are or were in mixed-faith relationships. There is a tone of love and respect through the whole series, which was very important to me.
Episode 5 featured a roundtable discussion about navigating mixed-faith relationships. During the conversation, LeAndra Baker shared about her husband’s journey away from the LDS Church: “I wish you could see how much he absolutely would love to [have kept believing]—and how much easier his life would be if he could have kept believing the way his family wants him to. …Don’t discredit the work he’s put in to try to find a God that makes sense for him.”
She continued by passionately sharing the values that she admires most in her husband: “He works really hard to love people exactly the way they are. It’s funny, I joke that he’s more Christlike now that he’s an atheist than he ever was as an active member of the LDS Church! Through his growth and development and faith walk, he has been able to decide what’s important to him, and loving his people is what’s important to him. He’s able to love them without wanting them to show up in a certain way.” By keeping communication open in relationships, we have an opportunity to recognize and appreciate the incredible attributes that our loved ones possess—attributes that aren’t dependent on a certain faith belief.
Boundaries
In episode 2, Nikki Johnson emphasized the importance of communicating healthy boundaries in relationships—”In order to set boundaries, you have to have a conversation about the boundaries,” she said. You may decide to discuss what topics you do not want to engage in with your loved ones. For example, individuals remaining in organized religion may not feel comfortable hearing about why loved ones chose to leave organized religion, while individuals who left organized religion may not feel comfortable having scriptures, sermons, or other religious materials shared with them. Having this conversation will create a safer space for both individuals to continue to strengthen the relationship together. Healthy Humans Project writer Alyssa Carroll previously shared some tips to setting appropriate boundaries in relationships.
Respecting the Right to Choose
One of the most powerful moments of the podcast came in episode 4, when I asked Maddison Weber what she wishes people knew when she left organized religion, and how she wishes others would have responded differently. She boldly stated, “If you’re looking at someone else’s life and thinking ‘I wouldn’t live my life like that,’ maybe take a step back and ask why you can look at their life and say that. What gives you the privilege to say ‘That’s not right for them’?” This is similar to the LDS doctrine of “agency”—the “ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves.” If we claim to believe in the importance of agency, we should show love to those around us, even if their paths look differently than our own.
On a personal note, my own religious beliefs have changed over the last couple of years in a way that makes it easier for me to accept and show love to those who have chosen different paths. For example, I don’t necessarily believe that the LDS Church is the only true church—a belief we are taught from youth. I think there are many paths to our Higher Power. Also, while I believe in and love so much of the LDS doctrine, I don’t always agree with how it is taught or enacted. Having these more nuanced views helps me to support others in their own journeys, wherever they lead someone. I echo the sentiment shared in episode 3 by Ezekiel Rudick: “If it’s true and God is the kind, loving, gracious being that They are, then you going through this thing is just you discovering holistically for yourself.”
Through healthy communication, setting appropriate boundaries, and supporting others in using their agency, we can help alleviate some of the pain that others feel when they transition away from organized religion. As we do this, we can better emulate our Savior, who preached, “Thou shalt love the Lord why God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37-39 KJV).
Write out your own beliefs and testimony, exactly as you feel at this moment. Those are yours, and you can feel empowered to claim them as your own. When you feel ready, seek to learn about others’ beliefs, either through conversation, reading, or following those who believe differently than you do on social media. Practice showing respect to their beliefs, even as they differ from your own. You can claim your own beliefs; let them claim theirs. Do this with love and deep respect and reverence for yourself and others.
References
“Agency and Accountability.” Gospel Topics. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/agency-and-accountability?lang=eng
Carroll, A. (2021, July 10). 5 Ways to Practice Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your 20’s. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/5-ways-to-practice-setting-healthy-boundaries-in-your-20s/
Games, G. (2021, April 8). Communication Tips for Interfaith Couples. The Gottman Institute Blog. https://www.gottman.com/blog/communication-tips-for-interfaith-couples/
Fortenbury, J. (2014, September). The Health Effects of Leaving Religion: How a loss of faith can manifest itself in the mind and body. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/09/the-health-effects-of-leaving-religion/379651/
Lee, M. A., & Kawachi, I. (2019). The keys to happiness: Associations between personal values regarding core life domains and happiness in South Korea. PloS one, 14(1), e0209821. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0209821
Looks Like Wandering Podcast, Season 2 (2021). https://anchor.fm/looks-like-wandering
Strong, M. (2020, February 22). Top 5 Communication Skills for Forming Healthy Relationships. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/top-5-communication-skills-for-forming-healthy-relationships/
Allie Barnes is a writer, speaker, and a leadership & relationship researcher. Her first book, Not According to Plan, shares her journey through depression, betrayal trauma recovery, developing resilience, and finding joy. Allie has an undergraduate degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University and is finishing up a graduate degree in Leadership. You can find her on Instagram @lookslikewandering or at allieabarnes.com.
