“So will you be going back to work after the baby comes?” I can’t tell you how many times I got this question while my husband and I were expecting the birth of our little boy. I had recently graduated with my Bachelor’s degree, and I was working full-time as a data entry specialist – a job that I enjoyed, but certainly not my dream career. We had gone over our budget and figured out that we would be okay to live on my husband’s income alone, but I still wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to work exclusively as a stay-at-home mom (because it’s more than a full-time job, believe me), or if I wanted to try and tackle working outside the home as well.
Before I tell you what my husband and I decided for our family, let’s take a look at what some of the research says about being a stay-at-home mom.
Mommas in the Workforce
According to the U.S. Department of Labor’s most recent Bureau of Labor Statistics News Release, “the percent of the population working or looking for work—for all women with children under age 18 was 71.1% in 2017” (that’s up 0.6% from 2016, and compared with 92.8% of all fathers). That’s a lot of moms! However, stay-at-home motherhood is also seemingly on the rise, with 29% of mothers now staying home with children (a sharp increase from 23% in 1999).
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Stay-at-home motherhood and working motherhood are often pitted against each other in highly emotionally-charged conversations. Because motherhood is something that is very dear to the hearts of many, and because it is not just a practical issue, but a cultural and gender issue as well, people often feel very strongly about whether moms should be in the home. While approximately 70% of Americans believe that a working mother “can establish just as warm and secure a relationship with her children” as a stay-at-home mom, 60% also think that having a mother (or parent) at home is what is best for children.
For the Kids
The research seems to agree with that 60%, since having at least one parent in the home has shown positive outcomes for both younger and older kids. For young children, developing healthy attachment to a parent or caregiver (most commonly the mother) is particularly essential to a child’s well-being and development. While work doesn’t necessarily interfere with a mother’s capability to develop a healthy attachment with her child, time in the home can certainly give a child more opportunity to have those interactions necessary to develop a healthy attachment. As for older children, having a parent at home has been shown to have an affect on school performance. In this particular study in Norway, kids with a stay-at-home parent had higher GPA’s than those who were placed in daycare. Though the differences in GPA may seem small, their statistical significance shows that having a parent at home does actually make a difference for kids.
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The Daycare Dilemma
Like stay-at-home motherhood, there are plenty of strong opinions out there about what role daycare should (or shouldn’t) play in children’s lives. Over the years, research on daycare has shown a variety of results, mostly due to the wide variety of daycare options out there. The most current research, however, has shown that there are two major factors for the effects that daycare can potentially have on a child:
#1 – Quality of Daycare – Whether or not a daycare is considered to be “high quality” (at least as far as research goes) is usually determined by both environmental factors (caregiver-child ratio, group size, noise level, caregiver education, etc.) and child-caregiver relationship factors (caregiver sensitivity, responsiveness, warmth, etc.). The quality of a daycare has consistently shown to be a determining factor in how the child is affected by significant amounts of time away from parents.
#2 – Home Environment – Most children, whether or not they consistently attend daycare, still spend a significant amount of time at home. What that time at home looks like, regardless of the actual amount, can have a significant effect on a child’s well-being. Research has shown that, “important home environment predictors of development are parents’ education, family income and structure, mothers’ psychological adjustment and sensitivity, and the social and cognitive quality of the home environment.” Furthermore, maternal sensitivity is one of the strongest predictors of parent-child attachment – for both kids who attend daycare, and kids who don’t.
Moms, Jobs, and Mental Health
Because a mother’s mental health is important to the health of her children, understanding the relationship between work and mom’s mental health is to our advantage. However, research has found that the connection between a mom’s choice to work and her mental health is not as straightforward as some might assume. An interesting 2012 study by Holmes, Erickson, and Hill, compared the mental and emotional health of stay-at-home and working mothers, while also taking into account their work preference (whether or not they wanted to be working outside the home). What they found was that poor mental health (specifically depression) was not so much predicted by a mother’s job status — instead, what mattered was whether or not there was a discrepancy between what the mom wanted to be doing, and what she was actually doing. If she wanted to be at home but was forced to work, or on the other hand, if she wanted to work but had to stay home, depression was more likely.
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Taking it one step further, another study that examined similar factors found that employment isn’t always necessarily “good” or “bad” for a women’s mental health. A lot actually depends on the quality of the job, and this can sometimes even overpower a woman’s preference. “Mothers employed in low-quality jobs face a heightened risk of depression even when they do want to work for pay. But interestingly, mothers employed in high-quality jobs face a low risk of depression even if they do NOT want to work for pay.”
“It Takes a Village”
It seems that the optimal option here is to align your work or home life as closely as possible with your personal preferences and desires. While this is what would be ideal for your mental health, it certainly isn’t an option for every mom out there. Finances, health issues, divorce, and myriad other extenuating circumstances prevent many parents from living their idealized balance between home and work. When this is the case, all hope is not lost! This would be an optimal time to remember the old adage, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Whether or not your life as a mom lines up perfectly with your personal ideal, it is to your (and your child’s) advantage to use your own village. Social support is essential in the life of any mom, and research has shown that it even acts as a buffer for parenting stress (Holmes, Erickson, & Hill, 2012). Furthermore, having a strong social support system has actually been shown to improve a parent’s parenting style (increasing both parental warmth, and parental monitoring), and a child’s future social skills. Family, friends, spouses, neighbors, therapists, doctors, and even sometimes complete strangers can all assist you in making your own parenting journey a success. Take advantage of your village!
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My Choice and Your Choice
After about 3 months of adjusting to motherhood, I decided that I wanted to try applying for a work-from-home job; allowing me to still devote the majority of my time and focus to my son, but at the same time giving me a way to pursue my personal passions and have a mental break from my time as a mom. My husband has been incredibly supportive of my desire to work, which has been extra helpful when it gets particularly difficult to juggle my various roles both in and outside of the home.
Deciding whether or not to stay at home or return to work after you have a baby (or even later on as kids get older) is an incredibly personal decision, and is an important decision that can have an effect both on you and your child’s well-being. I recommend in order to help you make a more informed decision, do some of your own research! Make a pros and cons list of the things that are most important to you and your spouse. Talk about it together. Remember that having a balanced life is the best way to ensure your and your family’s happiness. As you make the choice to create a life for you and your family, find what works for you, and don’t worry about whether that looks the same as it does for everyone else.
Have a conversation with your partner or spouse about about your personal work and family goals. What are your hopes? Your expectations? Be sure to be open and honest with one another.
Holmes, E. K., Erickson, J. J., & Hill, E. J. (2012). Doing what she thinks is best: Maternal psychological wellbeing and attaining desired work situations. Human Relations, 65(4), 501–522. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0018726711431351
Taylor, Z. E., Conger, R. D., Robins, R. W., & Widaman, K. F. (2015). Parenting practices and perceived social support: Longitudinal relations with the social competence of Mexican-origin children. Journal of Latina/o Psychology, 3(4), 193–208. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/lat0000038
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
When Joe and Alice (names have been changed) were first married, they spent every minute together. Usually their schedules were the same, but when Alice went out one night, Joe enjoyed a couple of hours of alone time. He felt guilty for enjoying this alone time, and so he said nothing when he realized that he was feeling overwhelmed by all of their togetherness. Alice had the same guilty feeling when Joe went to work on a day she had off.
Another couple, Mike and Sarah (names have been changed) felt that they were becoming no more than distant roommates. Their schedules were opposite. Mike worked at night, and Sarah worked during the day. Medical bills were high, and their schedules were not likely to change. When they did see each other, they were tired, and it was late at night when they were getting ready for bed, or early in the morning when Sarah was getting ready for work.
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These two examples – two extremes – illustrate that alone time and together time are both important. Finding a balance between spending time together and alone is essential when it comes to having a healthy relationship.
John Gottman, a leading researcher in couple relationships, says that a minimum of five hours of quality time per week is essential for maintaining healthy romantic relationships. This advice is corroborated by a large amount of research (Benson, 2016). These five hours do not include “shop talk” (conversations about the busy and mundane stuff: work, finances, parenting, etc.). Instead, these five hours are for doing something enjoyable: pillow talk, dinner, a card game, dancing, hiking, shopping, going out to eat, kissing, cooking or something else that members of a partnership enjoy.
Photo by Quinn Eliason
While this time together will help you to get to know each other better, alleviate stress, and deepen your love and commitment, it is perfectly okay to need and want alone time as well. We all need time to rejuvenate, strengthen, and collect ourselves. Spending appropriate amounts of time on our own, without our partner, can increase our ability to be good spouses. Here’s an example from my life.
I love Tuesdays. This is my day off. After I kiss my husband goodbye and he goes to work on Tuesday morning, I put in a couple of loads of laundry, pay bills and do some of the mundane things that need to be done around the house. But I also crank up my favorite 90’s country music, or binge watch one of my favorite shows while I fold laundry, clean, or reorganize some part of the house. I also do something for myself. Sometimes I write in my journal, sometimes I read, and sometimes I work out. I love my husband, but I also love Tuesdays. Because I have taken some productive alone time, by the time my husband comes home, I am ready and excited to see him, and because I have had a good and productive day, he comes home to a happy wife and clean laundry. He kisses me, and then I make sure to give him plenty time to debrief about work (usually twenty minutes or so), and then the remainder of the night is usually reserved for a date. My husband gets alone time on Saturday nights, and allows me the same debriefing time when I get home from work.
Photo by Tia Hall Photography
Sometimes other demands can get in the way of this essential couple time. Children, while important, can sometimes make this time difficult. If you have children, remember that your relationship is more important than your children. Your children exist because of your relationship, and they need to know that your marriage/partnership is important. According to many theories and a lot of research, children model what they see (Jenkins et al., 2005). When children see you cuddling in the living room, or kissing in the kitchen, or going on a date, as well as communicating about your needs and making time for each other, they will exercise similar relationship skills when they are older. They will also be more respectful of you and your partner, because they are watching you respect and care for each other.
Photo by Liza Jane Photography
Take one hour this week to do something you enjoy. The laundry will still be there. So will the dishes. But take an hour to rejuvenate. Then, take some time to be a couple, sans shop talk. Repeat as often as you can.
References
Babcock, J. C., Gottman, J. M., Ryan, K. D., & Gottman, J. S. (2013). A component analysis of a brief psycho-educational couples’ workshop: one-year follow-up results. Journal of Family Therapy, 35(3), 252–280. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/1467-6427.12017
Benson, K. (2016, December 9). 6 hours a week to a better relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/
Cleary Bradley, R. P., & Gottman, J. M. (2012). Reducing Situational Violence in Low-Income Couples by Fostering Healthy Relationships. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 38(Supp S1), 187–198. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00288.x
Jenkins, J., Simpson, A., Dunn, J., Rasbash, J., & O’Connor, T. G. (2005). Mutual Influence of Marital Conflict and Children’s Behavior Problems: Shared and Nonshared Family Risks. Child Development, 76(1), 24–39. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2005.00827.x
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
